1. FXX presents Archer 1999.Copy !req
2. 10x01 - Bort The GarjCopy !req
3. Altair Beta?Copy !req
4. Why'd you wake me up
way the hell out here?Copy !req
5. We picked up a distress beacon.Copy !req
6. Not surprising. Altair Beta's
not the best neighborhood.Copy !req
7. Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.Copy !req
8. Yeah, speaking of...Copy !req
9. looks like pirates hit
that transport pretty hard.Copy !req
10. Well, what say we go
pick the bones?Copy !req
11. I'd say, uh,
unfortunate choice of words.Copy !req
12. Figuratively.
Hopefully.Copy !req
13. Well, I'm in, but you know
what she's gonna say.Copy !req
14. Why, does she talk in her sleep?Copy !req
15. What? Mother, come on.
We can't not...Copy !req
16. I mean, Lana's the co-captain, so...Copy !req
17. - So?
- Huh.Copy !req
18. W-Well, should we
wake up anybody?Copy !req
19. Why would we?Copy !req
20. Good point.
Let's go check it out.Copy !req
21. W-Wait, Mother.
Hang on.Copy !req
22. Oh, for the...Copy !req
23. You are disgusting.Copy !req
24. Me?
He's the one wallowing in...Copy !req
25. Oh, freeze-dried shepherd's pie.Copy !req
26. Ugh! And banana pudding.Copy !req
27. So, on the off chanceCopy !req
28. the pirates left
anything worth taking...Copy !req
29. There's no sense cutting the
rest of those idiots in on the deal.Copy !req
30. Yeah, they'll just... Wait,Copy !req
31. what do you mean,
"the rest of those idiots?"Copy !req
32. - Hmm?
- Are you implying I'm an idiot?Copy !req
33. - No, I...
- Yes, you were.Copy !req
34. I wasn't implying anything.
You...Copy !req
35. Proximity alert.Copy !req
36. Proximity alert.Copy !req
37. Proximity alert.Copy !req
38. - What the hell?
- Proximity alert.Copy !req
39. - Idiot.
- Aha! See?Copy !req
40. - You were implying it.
- I'm saying it!Copy !req
41. Now can you please just
dock the damn thing?Copy !req
42. - Yes.
- Nope!Copy !req
43. - Here we go.
- Oh, goody.Copy !req
44. And just what in my own
personal hellCopy !req
45. - do you two think you're doing?
- Well...Copy !req
46. And don't insult my
intelligence by lying to me.Copy !req
47. Okay, then...Copy !req
48. Never mind.Copy !req
49. sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~Copy !req
50. Damn it, Krieger,
why'd you have to wake her up?Copy !req
51. You big-mouth... fish.Copy !req
52. Don't call me fish!
And I didn't write my code,Copy !req
53. - so don't yell at me.
- I'll do the yelling.Copy !req
54. Great, that way we know
you're getting enough oxygen.Copy !req
55. Now, somebody explain to me why you're
docking the ship without permission.Copy !req
56. - Permission?
- Look, we picked up a distress beacon,Copy !req
57. and we thought, you know,
that we'd...Copy !req
58. Leave us all in stasis while
you sneak in there to lootCopy !req
59. whatever the pirates might've
left behind in there, which...Copy !req
60. spoiler alert... is jack-shit
unless you're countingCopy !req
61. the ionic charges
they left as booby-traps!Copy !req
62. Well, you've clearly already
made up your mind, so...Copy !req
63. Somebody tell me this is a joke.Copy !req
64. Oh, what, you being first mate?
Sadly, no. Not a joke.Copy !req
65. No, this! Which better not
be what it looks like!Copy !req
66. That's better than what it smells like.Copy !req
67. - Huh?
- Which is a giant bag of assholes.Copy !req
68. - What?
- Cyril, you reek.Copy !req
69. No, I...
Is that shepherd's pie?Copy !req
70. And banana pudding.Copy !req
71. Damn it, Archer.
Did you fart in my stasis pod again?Copy !req
72. - Why, I oughta...
- You oughta wash off that 'nana puddin'.Copy !req
73. - Stop touching me! You stink!
- Will you two knock it off?Copy !req
74. - Yes.
- Ow!Copy !req
75. Why do we even
serve shepherd's pie?Copy !req
76. And, follow-up, why do we have the
world's loneliest courtesan on board?Copy !req
77. Seriously, though,Copy !req
78. this whole place smells
like a fart shit its pants.Copy !req
79. Did somebody say pants?Copy !req
80. 'Cause I'm not wearing any.Copy !req
81. Because welcome
to the freak show.Copy !req
82. What?
Said the bug zapper.Copy !req
83. - Yeah, and speaking of.
- What?Copy !req
84. We had a deal.Copy !req
85. Yeah, come on, Mom.Copy !req
86. Oh, all right.Copy !req
87. - Happy?
- No, actually.Copy !req
88. Because you two were about to
violate quarantine protocols,Copy !req
89. possibly exposing my ship
to dangerous...Copy !req
90. - It's not your ship!
- Half of it is.Copy !req
91. Because I had
a shitty divorce lawyer.Copy !req
92. - Whose fault is that?
- You're the one who wanted a divorce!Copy !req
93. When what I should've done
is just wait for youCopy !req
94. to get murdered by one of the
enemies you either owe money,Copy !req
95. cheated, cuckolded,
straight-up stole from,Copy !req
96. or some combination thereof.Copy !req
97. Your point being?Copy !req
98. Her point, Captain Doctor
Science, is you can't exposeCopy !req
99. just half the ship to
potentially deadly microorganisms.Copy !req
100. Aha!
Potentially deadly.Copy !req
101. I'm not having this argument again.Copy !req
102. - Apparently you are.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
103. Aborting docking sequence.Copy !req
104. Yes, you a...Copy !req
105. - Damn it, Lana!
- Aborting docking seq...Copy !req
106. - Krieger!
- Guys, come on.Copy !req
107. We've been over and over
and over this.Copy !req
108. - The Laws of Robotics...
- Is made-up shit from a comic book.Copy !req
109. - Sorry.
- Don't be. It had to be said.Copy !req
110. What the shit?Copy !req
111. Oh, my God.Copy !req
112. - What is that?
- Oh, my God,Copy !req
113. - what the hell...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody, shh.Copy !req
114. - Aah! - Kill it!
- Boy!Copy !req
115. Whew.Copy !req
116. Are...Copy !req
117. - Happy?
- I'm... happy you're not.Copy !req
118. What the hell was that thing?Copy !req
119. I think the more pressing
question is...Copy !req
120. No, Krieger, for the millionth time,
you'll never be a real boy.Copy !req
121. - I was going to say...
- I think it's more tragic than anything.Copy !req
122. You're one to talk.Copy !req
123. - I was going to say...
- Ooh! When will you be a real boy?Copy !req
124. What the hell
was it running from?Copy !req
125. Um...Copy !req
126. Son of a...Copy !req
127. Dri'n dak!
Dak txakurrak!Copy !req
128. Oh, yeah?
You want some of this?Copy !req
129. Ow!Copy !req
130. I think they might, actually.Copy !req
131. - Dri'n bastards. Krieger, blast door.
- Yep, yep, yep.Copy !req
132. - That oughta hold 'em. Okay...
- Hang on.Copy !req
133. Shut up.
Krieger, undock us.Copy !req
134. Cyril, Pam, Carol, grab a weapon,Copy !req
135. split up, and find that xenomorph.Copy !req
136. For all we know he's a Trojan horse.Copy !req
137. - He was pretty rubbery.
- So stupid.Copy !req
138. Right?Copy !req
139. And if you can temporarily
de-ass your head,Copy !req
140. - want to get us out to here?
- Why? We can take these assholes.Copy !req
141. - Hull damage.
- You were saying?Copy !req
142. Hull damage.Copy !req
143. Hull damage.Copy !req
144. - Hull damage.
- I heard you!Copy !req
145. - Okay, Krieger, we clear?
- Yep, yep, yep!Copy !req
146. Okay then.
Everybody brace for initial thrust.Copy !req
147. In three...Copy !req
148. - Whoa!
- God...Copy !req
149. - Damn...
- Son of a...Copy !req
150. - Bitch!
- Ow!Copy !req
151. "Woooooo!"Copy !req
152. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, noCopy !req
153. no, no!Copy !req
154. Can't have anything nice.Copy !req
155. Never gets old, does it?Copy !req
156. Nope.
Unlike some people.Copy !req
157. - Excuse me?
- Lana, handle your business.Copy !req
158. There's a giant squeezy toy
on the loose.Copy !req
159. - I'll squeeze your... Damn it!
- Got nothing.Copy !req
160. Okay, keep your crazy eyes peeled.Copy !req
161. And watch your muzzle, will ya? I'm
not trying to get blasted in the face.Copy !req
162. - Well, I'm not trying to get slimed.
- What?Copy !req
163. It's not a ghost, dumb-ass.Copy !req
164. - How do you know?
- Because nothing's a ghost.Copy !req
165. Shh.Copy !req
166. You open it on three.
Ready?Copy !req
167. One...Copy !req
168. Oh, for... You pussy.Copy !req
169. You're supposed to be looking
for the damn xenomorph.Copy !req
170. I'm checking all the storage lockers.Copy !req
171. This one's clear.Copy !req
172. On me.Copy !req
173. - Freeze!
- Don't shoot, don't shoot!Copy !req
174. - Let me see those hands!
- I... I don't have any.Copy !req
175. - Duh-hoy.
- Shut up.Copy !req
176. Okay, so who or what are you?Copy !req
177. I... W... I'm Bort.Copy !req
178. Bort the Garj?Copy !req
179. - Of the House of Garj?
- Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,Copy !req
180. just, what do you think you're doing?Copy !req
181. Eating off-brand cereal?Copy !req
182. No, the passengers
were from all over.Copy !req
183. I was the only Garj, and so I
was able to hide in the wallsCopy !req
184. when they attacked the transport.Copy !req
185. And after they killed
all the crew, they just...Copy !req
186. - took everybody.
- To sell into the spek mines, no doubt.Copy !req
187. So how do you know English?Copy !req
188. - Is... that relevant?
- Yeah, Lana.Copy !req
189. I mean, why does anybody know it?Copy !req
190. I mean she does.
She's obviously not human.Copy !req
191. - But not so obviously a she.
- Hey!Copy !req
192. - We were all thinking it.
- 'Cause you're all a bunch of xenophobes.Copy !req
193. Are you...
You're as bad as she is.Copy !req
194. - Always calling me fish or...
- That doesn't count.Copy !req
195. - You're a robot.
- Synthetic human.Copy !req
196. Potato, pobobot, am I right?Copy !req
197. Anyway, the important thing is
I'm okay.Copy !req
198. - Is that so?
- Well, yeah.Copy !req
199. I mean, I'm heir to the throne
of the House of Garj, so...Copy !req
200. And that's actually
a pretty huge deal.Copy !req
201. - Well, li-like, how huge?
- Well...Copy !req
202. - I-If you had to express it monetarily.
- Wh...Copy !req
203. - Oh, no.
- Lana, shut up.Copy !req
204. - Archer, shut up.
- No!Copy !req
205. - We are not going off on some...
- Wild goose chase! Who's in?Copy !req
206. - I'm so in!
- Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!Copy !req
207. - Ooh, me!
- No. Now, wait a minute.Copy !req
208. Lana, democracy has spoken.Copy !req
209. - So, if we take you home to Garj...
- Well, to Garjek, our moon,Copy !req
210. then my parents
will reward you handsomely.Copy !req
211. I'm already handsome.
How much?Copy !req
212. I mean...
easily a million credits.Copy !req
213. In this economy?Copy !req
214. And like I said,
I'm a pretty huge deal.Copy !req
215. Yes, yes, you definitely are.
So, can somebody here pleaseCopy !req
216. get His Highness
some more cereal right now?Copy !req
217. Yeah, or maybe just better cereal?Copy !req
218. - Well, I don't know about all that.
- Just a thought.Copy !req
219. Can I talk to you... please?Copy !req
220. If you can do it while I'm plottingCopy !req
221. - a course for Garjek.
- Wha...Copy !req
222. And ignoring you.Copy !req
223. Because we need to put
the ship in dry-dock.Copy !req
224. The hull was damaged,Copy !req
225. - even before this fiasco.
- All right, carry the two...Copy !req
226. And now you want to put more
stress on the shipCopy !req
227. and jump two systems awayCopy !req
228. just because a sentient blob
says there might be money in it.Copy !req
229. - Uncarry the two.
- On top of which...Copy !req
230. not that you give a shit...Copy !req
231. but you swore to me
we'd go back to Earth.Copy !req
232. - You promised.
- Lana, come on. I promised you lots of things.Copy !req
233. - Archer...
- Besides,Copy !req
234. like you said,
it's just two systems, a...Copy !req
235. a skip and a jump.
What could possibly go wrong?Copy !req
236. Seriously?Copy !req
237. Besides all the normal stuff that
could easily go disastrously wrong,Copy !req
238. - since space travel is so dangerous.
- Ugh.Copy !req
239. Woooooo!Copy !req
240. Hyperspace!Copy !req
241. Oh, m... oh, man.Copy !req
242. Is hyperspace not the best?Copy !req
243. If you mean is it the best at
putting stress on the hull...Copy !req
244. Is this the rest of my life now...Copy !req
245. - you bitching about the damn hull?
- Right?Copy !req
246. Relax. The hull's gonna be...Copy !req
247. Aah!Copy !req
248. What the hell was that?Copy !req
249. My last bottle of bitter lemon!Copy !req
250. - Dri'n fighters inbound.
- From where?Copy !req
251. - From the transport.
- What?Copy !req
252. They must've followed us, dumb-ass.Copy !req
253. - How am I a dumb-ass?
- How much time do you have?Copy !req
254. Ow!Copy !req
255. Uh... not much.Copy !req
256. - Hull damage.
- We know!Copy !req
257. Battle stations.Copy !req
258. - Ugh! What now?
- Seriously.Copy !req
259. But whatever it is,
I'm sure it's Archer's fault.Copy !req
260. - Krieger, helm!
- Yep!Copy !req
261. Okay, assholes.
Sun's out, guns out.Copy !req
262. Well, in space, the sun is always...Copy !req
263. Don't step on my line, fish!Copy !req
264. Whoa...Copy !req
265. Uh, I thought this was
a civilian ship.Copy !req
266. - Isn't it illegal for it to have weapons?
- Oh, my God, it is.Copy !req
267. Should we pull over and
call the Federation, or, uh...Copy !req
268. - What? No, I just...
- 'Cause we're happy to pull over, Bort!Copy !req
269. - S-Seriously?
- No. Archer...Copy !req
270. Please! Quit dicking around.Copy !req
271. Yeah, Bort.Copy !req
272. Come on, come on,
come on, come on...Copy !req
273. Yes!Copy !req
274. Get some! Get some!Copy !req
275. Suppressing fire!Copy !req
276. Jesus,
you couldn't suppress a cough.Copy !req
277. - Yes, I could.
- Touché, Cyril.Copy !req
278. We're taking too much damage!Copy !req
279. Damn it!
Okay, Carol...Copy !req
280. Carol? Carol!Copy !req
281. - What?
- You know what!Copy !req
282. - Ugh!
- Goddamn it, woman.Copy !req
283. All right, already!Copy !req
284. Jesus!Copy !req
285. Isn't it kind of weird
Carol hates doingCopy !req
286. - the one thing she's good at?
- No, I get it.Copy !req
287. I mean,
I'm like that with blowjobs.Copy !req
288. - Oh, for...
- Wai-Wait, what?Copy !req
289. - Yeah, whooda what?
- Since when are you good at blowjobs?Copy !req
290. Excuse me?Copy !req
291. - For your information...
- Cyril, shut up!Copy !req
292. - Let the man speak.
- Yeah, Lana.Copy !req
293. He has nothing to say on the matter.Copy !req
294. - Do you, Cyril?
- I... No, I guess not.Copy !req
295. Whoa, w-whoa, w...
wait a minute.Copy !req
296. Hey, look over there...
that was the last pirate.Copy !req
297. - Way to go, Carol.
- Yeah. "Yay me."Copy !req
298. Okay, we will
talk about this later.Copy !req
299. - No, we won't.
- But for now, head to the gig.Copy !req
300. We leave for the surface in five.Copy !req
301. Time to see what
a million credits looks like.Copy !req
302. And we should take a duffel bag, or...Copy !req
303. Ray, uh, what are you doing?Copy !req
304. I thought I'd go down with
y'all and see if I could,Copy !req
305. you know, find some clientele.Copy !req
306. Hey, you know what?
I don't need it!Copy !req
307. - Aw, man. Now I feel kind of bad.
- Yeah, I d...Copy !req
308. I do too. Let's bring him
something back.Copy !req
309. Does he still collect
those little spoons?Copy !req
310. Ugh, yes.Copy !req
311. Hey, we're not going down
there for a shopping spree.Copy !req
312. We're gonna use that reward
money to repair the ship.Copy !req
313. - Jesus, calm down, it's just a spoon.
- Yeah, Lana.Copy !req
314. So, Bort, wh...
uh, what do we call your folks?Copy !req
315. Do what?Copy !req
316. Like, is this a "Your
Majesty" type deal, or...Copy !req
317. - Uh, y-yeah, I guess.
- Okay, so...Copy !req
318. - Oh, should I curtsy?
- Ugh, there's a picture.Copy !req
319. First of all, I was voted
Most Ladylike in myCopy !req
320. - cotillion class, and I also...
- Who was your competition... a boulder?Copy !req
321. Oh, the Dri'n.Copy !req
322. What the...Copy !req
323. - Hey, gang.
- Wha...Copy !req
324. Barry Six?Copy !req
325. - Good God.
- Not Barry Six.Copy !req
326. Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six.
Say, Bort.Copy !req
327. - Goddamn it, Bort.
- You know him?Copy !req
328. - Hey, Six.
- How the hell do you know Bort?Copy !req
329. Oh, Bort and I go way back.Copy !req
330. I got Bort out of a sticky
little mess on Vega Three,Copy !req
331. - didn't I, bud?
- Yeah.Copy !req
332. - So this was all a big set-up?
- Duh-hoy.Copy !req
333. I'm super sorry, you guys.Copy !req
334. - Oh, you will be, you little...
- Butt-plug looking piece of shit!Copy !req
335. That's what he reminds me of!Copy !req
336. - Mother, please.
- Well look at him.Copy !req
337. So are we... cool?Copy !req
338. - I mean, I am.
- Okay, well, then I'm just gonna...Copy !req
339. kinda...Copy !req
340. tip... just tip on out, then.Copy !req
341. Wow.Copy !req
342. Wow. Look at that.
Little kook.Copy !req
343. You believe he's heir to the
throne of the House of Garj?Copy !req
344. - What do you want with us?
- Well, me and ArcherCopy !req
345. have what you might call an
outstanding account to settle.Copy !req
346. So, for starters,
I'm gonna extractCopy !req
347. all the bones from his body.Copy !req
348. - What?
- No biggie.Copy !req
349. Well, now just hold on a minute!Copy !req
350. - Yeah!
- If this is between the two of you, the rest of us...Copy !req
351. - No!
- The rest of you, I hope,Copy !req
352. are gonna fetch me a pretty good priceCopy !req
353. when I sell you down the spek mines.Copy !req
354. - Seriously?
- Spek mines?Copy !req
355. Yeah. Not great, huh?Copy !req
356. How about now... happy now?Copy !req
357. I mean... probably happier
than I'm gonna beCopy !req
358. when Barry Six
starts yanking my bones.Copy !req
359. Space phrasing.Copy !req
360. No?Copy !req
361. sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~Copy !req