1. FXX presents
Archer 1999.Copy !req
2. Altair Beta?Copy !req
3. Why'd you wake me up
way the hell out here?Copy !req
4. We picked up a distress beacon.Copy !req
5. Not surprising.Copy !req
6. Altair Beta's not
the best neighborhood.Copy !req
7. Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.Copy !req
8. Yeah, speaking of—Copy !req
9. looks like pirateshit that transport pretty hard.Copy !req
10. Well, what say we go
pick the bones?Copy !req
11. I'd say, uh,
unfortunate choice of words.Copy !req
12. Figuratively.
Hopefully.Copy !req
13. Well, I'm in, but you know
what she's gonna say.Copy !req
14. Why, does she talk
in her sleep?Copy !req
15. What? Mother, come on.
We can't not...Copy !req
16. I mean, Lana's
the co-captain, so...Copy !req
17. - So?
- Huh.Copy !req
18. W-Well, should we
wake up anybody?Copy !req
19. - Why would we?
- Good point.Copy !req
20. Let's go check it out.Copy !req
21. W-Wait, Mother.Copy !req
22. - Hang on.Copy !req
23. Oh, for the...Copy !req
24. - You are disgusting.Copy !req
25. Me?
He's the one wallowing in...Copy !req
26. Oh, freeze-dried
shepherd's pie.Copy !req
27. Ugh! And banana pudding.Copy !req
28. So, on the off chanceCopy !req
29. the pirates left
anything worth taking...Copy !req
30. There's no sense cuttingCopy !req
31. the rest of those idiots
in on the deal.Copy !req
32. Yeah, they'll just... Wait,Copy !req
33. what do you mean,
"the rest of those idiots?"Copy !req
34. - Hmm?-Are you implying I'm an idiot?Copy !req
35. - No, I...
- Yes, you were.Copy !req
36. I wasn't implying anything.
You...Copy !req
37. Proximity alert.Copy !req
38. Proximity alert.Copy !req
39. Proximity alert.Copy !req
40. - What the hell?
- Proximity alert.Copy !req
41. Idiot.
- Aha! See?Copy !req
42. - You were implying it.
- I'm saying it!Copy !req
43. Now can you please
just dock the damn thing?Copy !req
44. - Yes.
Nope!Copy !req
45. Here we go.
- Oh, goody.Copy !req
46. And just what in my own
personal hellCopy !req
47. - do you two think you're doing?-Well...Copy !req
48. And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me.Copy !req
49. Okay, then...Copy !req
50. Never mind.Copy !req
51. Damn it, Krieger, why'd you
have to wake her up?Copy !req
52. You big-mouth... fish.Copy !req
53. Don't call me fish!
And I didn't write my code,Copy !req
54. - so don't yell at me.
- I'll do the yelling.Copy !req
55. Great, that way we know
you're getting enough oxygen.Copy !req
56. Now, somebody explain to meCopy !req
57. why you're docking the ship
without permission.Copy !req
58. - Permission?
- Look, we picked up
a distress beacon,Copy !req
59. and we thought, you know,
that we'd...Copy !req
60. Leave us all in stasis
while you sneak in thereCopy !req
61. to loot whatever the
pirates might've left behindCopy !req
62. in there, which—
spoiler alert— is jack-shitCopy !req
63. unless you're counting
the ionic chargesCopy !req
64. they left as booby-traps!Copy !req
65. Well, you've clearly already
made up your mind, so...Copy !req
66. Somebody tell me
this is a joke.Copy !req
67. Oh, what, you being first mate? Sadly, no. Not a joke.Copy !req
68. No, this. Which better not
be what it looks like.Copy !req
69. That's better than
what it smells like.Copy !req
70. - Huh?
- Which is a giant bag
of assholes.Copy !req
71. - What?
- Cyril, you reek.Copy !req
72. No, I...Copy !req
73. Is that shepherd's pie?Copy !req
74. And banana pudding.Copy !req
75. Damn it, Archer.Copy !req
76. Did you fart in my
stasis pod again?Copy !req
77. - Why, I oughta...
- You oughta wash offCopy !req
78. that 'nana puddin'.Copy !req
79. Stop touching me!
You stink!Copy !req
80. Will you two knock it off?Copy !req
81. - Yes.
- Ow!Copy !req
82. Why do we even
serve shepherd's pie?Copy !req
83. And, follow-up, why do we haveCopy !req
84. the world's loneliest
courtesan on board?Copy !req
85. - Seriously, though,Copy !req
86. this whole place smells
like a fart shit its pants.Copy !req
87. Did somebody say pants?Copy !req
88. 'Cause I'm not wearing any.Copy !req
89. Because welcome
to the freak show.Copy !req
90. What?
Said the bug zapper.Copy !req
91. - Yeah, and speaking of.
- What?Copy !req
92. We had a deal.Copy !req
93. Yeah, come on, Mom.Copy !req
94. Oh, all right.Copy !req
95. - Happy?
- No, actually.Copy !req
96. Because you two were about to
violate quarantine protocols,Copy !req
97. possibly exposing my ship
to dangerous...Copy !req
98. - It's not your ship!
- Half of it is.Copy !req
99. Because I had
a shitty divorce lawyer.Copy !req
100. Whose fault is that?Copy !req
101. You're the one
who wanted a divorce!Copy !req
102. When what I should've done
is just wait for youCopy !req
103. to get murdered by one of the
enemies you either owe money,Copy !req
104. cheated, cuckolded,
straight-up stole from,Copy !req
105. or some combination thereof.Copy !req
106. Your point being?Copy !req
107. Her point,
Captain Doctor Science,Copy !req
108. is you can't expose
just half the shipCopy !req
109. to potentially deadly
microorganisms.Copy !req
110. Aha!
Potentially deadly.Copy !req
111. I'm not having
this argument again.Copy !req
112. Apparently you are.Copy !req
113. - No, I'm not.Copy !req
114. Aborting docking sequence.Copy !req
115. Yes, you a...Copy !req
116. - Damn it, Lana!
- Aborting docking seq...Copy !req
117. Krieger!
- Guys, come on.Copy !req
118. We've been over and over
and over this.Copy !req
119. The Laws of Robotics...Copy !req
120. Is made-up shit
from a comic book.Copy !req
121. - Sorry.
- Don't be. It had to be said.Copy !req
122. What the shit?Copy !req
123. - Oh, my God.Copy !req
124. What is that?
Oh, my God,Copy !req
125. - what the hell...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everybody, shh.Copy !req
126. - Aah!
- Kill it!
- Boy!Copy !req
127. Whew.Copy !req
128. - Are...Copy !req
129. Happy?Copy !req
130. I'm... happy you're not.Copy !req
131. What the hell was that thing?Copy !req
132. I think the more pressing
question is...Copy !req
133. No, Krieger,
for the millionth time,Copy !req
134. - you'll never be a real boy.
- I was going to say...Copy !req
135. I think it's more tragic
than anything.Copy !req
136. - You're one to talk.Copy !req
137. - I was going to say...
- Ooh!Copy !req
138. When will you be a real boy?Copy !req
139. What the hell
was it running from?Copy !req
140. Um...Copy !req
141. - Son of a...Copy !req
142. Dri'n dak!
Dak txakurrak!Copy !req
143. Oh, yeah?
You want some of this?Copy !req
144. Ow!Copy !req
145. I think they might, actually.Copy !req
146. Dri'n bastards.
Krieger, blast door.Copy !req
147. Yep, yep, yep.Copy !req
148. - That oughta hold 'em. Okay...
- Hang on.Copy !req
149. Shut up.
Krieger, undock us.Copy !req
150. Cyril, Pam, Carol,
grab a weapon,Copy !req
151. split up, and find
that xenomorph.Copy !req
152. For all we know
he's a Trojan horse.Copy !req
153. - He was pretty rubbery.
So stupid.Copy !req
154. Right?Copy !req
155. And if you can temporarily
de-ass your head,Copy !req
156. want to get us out to here?Copy !req
157. Why?
We can take these assholes.Copy !req
158. Hull damage.
- You were saying?Copy !req
159. - Hull damage.Copy !req
160. - Hull damage.Copy !req
161. - Hull damage.
- I heard you.Copy !req
162. Okay, Krieger, we clear?Copy !req
163. Yep, yep, yep!Copy !req
164. Okay then.Copy !req
165. Everybody brace
for initial thrust.Copy !req
166. In three...Copy !req
167. - Whoa!
- God...Copy !req
168. - Damn...
- Son of a...Copy !req
169. - Bitch!
- Ow!Copy !req
170. "Woooooo!"Copy !req
171. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, noCopy !req
172. - no, no!Copy !req
173. Can't have anything nice.Copy !req
174. Never gets old, does it?Copy !req
175. Nope.
Unlike some people.Copy !req
176. Excuse me?Copy !req
177. Lana, handle your business.Copy !req
178. There's a giant squeezy toy
on the loose.Copy !req
179. I'll squeeze your... Damn it!Copy !req
180. Got nothing.Copy !req
181. Okay, keep your
crazy eyes peeled.Copy !req
182. And watch your muzzle,
will ya?Copy !req
183. I'm not trying to get
blasted in the face.Copy !req
184. - Well, I'm not
trying to get slimed.
- What?Copy !req
185. It's not a ghost, dumb-ass.Copy !req
186. - How do you know?
Because
nothing's a ghost.Copy !req
187. - Shh.Copy !req
188. You open it on three.Copy !req
189. Ready?Copy !req
190. One...Copy !req
191. - Oh, for... You pussy.Copy !req
192. You're supposed to belooking for the damn xenomorph.Copy !req
193. I'm checking
all the storage lockers.Copy !req
194. This one's clear.Copy !req
195. On me.Copy !req
196. - Freeze!
- Don't shoot, don't shoot!Copy !req
197. Let me see those hands!Copy !req
198. I... I don't have any.Copy !req
199. - Duh-hoy.
- Shut up.Copy !req
200. Okay, so who or what are you?Copy !req
201. I... W... I'm Bort.Copy !req
202. Bort the Garj?Copy !req
203. - Of the House of Garj?
- Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,Copy !req
204. just, what do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
205. Eating off-brand cereal.Copy !req
206. No, the passengers
were from all over.Copy !req
207. I was the only Garj, and sol was able to hide in the wallsCopy !req
208. when they attacked
the transport.Copy !req
209. And after they killed
all the crew, they just...Copy !req
210. took everybody.Copy !req
211. To sell into the spek mines,
no doubt.Copy !req
212. So how do you know English?Copy !req
213. - Is... that relevant?
- Yeah, Lana.Copy !req
214. I mean, why does anybody
know it?Copy !req
215. I mean she does.
She's obviously not human.Copy !req
216. - But not so obviously a she.
- Hey!Copy !req
217. We were all thinking it.Copy !req
218. 'Cause you're all
a bunch of xenophobes.Copy !req
219. Are you...
You're as bad as she is.Copy !req
220. - Always calling me fish or...
- That doesn't count.Copy !req
221. - You're a robot.
- Synthetic human.Copy !req
222. Potato, pobobot, am I right?Copy !req
223. Anyway, the important thing
is I'm okay.Copy !req
224. - Is that so?
- Well, yeah.Copy !req
225. I mean, I'm heir to the throne
of the House of Garj, so...Copy !req
226. And that's actually
a pretty huge deal.Copy !req
227. - Well, li-like, how huge?
- Well...Copy !req
228. I-If you had to express it
monetarily.Copy !req
229. - Wh... Oh, no.
- Lana, shut up.Copy !req
230. - Archer, shut up.
- No!Copy !req
231. - We are not going off on some... -Wild goose chase! Who's in?Copy !req
232. - I'm so in!-Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!-Ooh, me!Copy !req
233. - No. Now, wait a minute.
- Lana, democracy has spoken.Copy !req
234. So, if we take you home
to Garj...Copy !req
235. Well, to Garjek, our moon,Copy !req
236. then my parents
will reward you handsomely.Copy !req
237. I'm already handsome.
How much?Copy !req
238. I mean...
easily a million credits.Copy !req
239. - In this economy?Copy !req
240. And like I said,
I'm a pretty huge deal.Copy !req
241. Yes, yes, you definitely are.Copy !req
242. So, can somebody here pleaseCopy !req
243. get His Highness
some more cereal right now?Copy !req
244. Yeah, or maybe
just better cereal?Copy !req
245. Well, I don't know
about all that.Copy !req
246. Just a thought.Copy !req
247. Can I talk to you... please?Copy !req
248. If you can do it while I'm
plotting a course for Garjek.Copy !req
249. Wha...Copy !req
250. And ignoring you.Copy !req
251. Because we need to put
the ship in dry-dock.Copy !req
252. The hull was damaged,Copy !req
253. - even before this fiasco.
All right,Copy !req
254. carry the two...Copy !req
255. And now you want to put more
stress on the shipCopy !req
256. and jump two systems awayCopy !req
257. just because a sentient blobsays there might be money in it.Copy !req
258. Uncarry the two.Copy !req
259. On top of which—
not that you give a shit—Copy !req
260. but you swore to me
we'd go back to Earth.Copy !req
261. - You promised.
- Lana, come on.Copy !req
262. I promised you lots of things.Copy !req
263. - Archer...
- Besides,Copy !req
264. like you said,
it's just two systems, a...Copy !req
265. a skip and a jump.Copy !req
266. What could possibly go wrong?Copy !req
267. - Seriously?Copy !req
268. Besides all the normal stuffCopy !req
269. that could easily
go disastrously wrong,Copy !req
270. - since space travel
is so dangerous.
- Ugh.Copy !req
271. Woooooo!Copy !req
272. Hyperspace!Copy !req
273. Oh, m... oh, man.Copy !req
274. Is hyperspace not the best?Copy !req
275. If you mean is it the bestat putting stress on the hull...Copy !req
276. Is this
the rest of my life now—Copy !req
277. you bitching
about the damn hull?Copy !req
278. Right? Relax.
The hull's gonna be...Copy !req
279. - Aah!Copy !req
280. - What the hell was that?Copy !req
281. My last bottle of bitter lemon!Copy !req
282. Dri'n fighters inbound.Copy !req
283. From where?Copy !req
284. From the transport.
What?Copy !req
285. They must've
followed us, dumb-ass.Copy !req
286. How am I a dumb-ass?Copy !req
287. How much time do you have?Copy !req
288. Ow!Copy !req
289. Uh... not much.Copy !req
290. Hull damage.
- We know!Copy !req
291. Battle stations.Copy !req
292. Ugh! What now?Copy !req
293. Seriously.Copy !req
294. But whatever it is,
I'm sure it's Archer's fault.Copy !req
295. - Krieger, helm!
- Yep!Copy !req
296. Okay, assholes.
Sun's out, guns out.Copy !req
297. Well, in space,
the sun is always...Copy !req
298. Don't step on my line, fish!Copy !req
299. Whoa...Copy !req
300. Uh, I thought this was
a civilian ship.Copy !req
301. Isn't it illegal
for it to have weapons?Copy !req
302. Oh, my God, it is.Copy !req
303. Should we pull over and
call the Federation, or, uh...Copy !req
304. - What? No, I just...
- 'Cause we're happy
to pull over, Bort!Copy !req
305. S-seriously?
No. Archer...Copy !req
306. - Please!Copy !req
307. Quit dicking around.Copy !req
308. Yeah, Bort.Copy !req
309. Come on, come on,
come on, come on...Copy !req
310. Yes!Copy !req
311. Get some! Get some!Copy !req
312. Suppressing fire!Copy !req
313. Jesus,Copy !req
314. you couldn't suppress a cough.Copy !req
315. Yes, I could.
- Touché, Cyril.Copy !req
316. We're taking too much damage!Copy !req
317. Damn it!
Okay, Carol...Copy !req
318. Carol?
Carol!Copy !req
319. - What?
You know what!Copy !req
320. - Ugh!
Goddamn it, woman.Copy !req
321. All right, already!Copy !req
322. Jesus!Copy !req
323. Isn't it kind of weird
Carol hates doingCopy !req
324. the one thing she's good at?Copy !req
325. No, I get it. I mean,
I'm like that with blowjobs.Copy !req
326. Oh, for...
Wai-Wait, what?Copy !req
327. - Yeah, whooda what?
Since when
are you good at blowjobs?Copy !req
328. Excuse me?Copy !req
329. For your information...Copy !req
330. Cyril, shut up.Copy !req
331. - Let the man speak.
Yeah, Lana.Copy !req
332. He has nothing to say
on the matter.Copy !req
333. - Do you, Cyril?
- I... No, I guess not.Copy !req
334. Whoa, w-whoa, w...
wait a minute.Copy !req
335. Hey, look over there—
that was the last pirate.Copy !req
336. Way to go, Carol.Copy !req
337. Yeah. Yay me.Copy !req
338. Okay, we will
talk about this later.Copy !req
339. No, we won't.
But for now,
head to the gig.Copy !req
340. We leave for the surface
in five.Copy !req
341. Time to see what
a million credits looks like.Copy !req
342. And we should
take a duffel bag, or...Copy !req
343. - Ray, uh, what are you doing?Copy !req
344. I thought I'd go down with
y'all and see if I could,Copy !req
345. you know, find some clientele.Copy !req
346. Hey, you know what?Copy !req
347. I don't need it!Copy !req
348. Aw, man. Now I feel
kind of bad.Copy !req
349. Yeah, I d...Copy !req
350. I do too. Let's bring him
something back.Copy !req
351. Does he still collect
those little spoons?Copy !req
352. Ugh, yes.Copy !req
353. Hey, we're not going down
there for a shopping spree.Copy !req
354. We're gonna use that reward
money to repair the ship.Copy !req
355. Jesus, calm down,
it's just a spoon.Copy !req
356. Yeah, Lana.Copy !req
357. So, Bort, wh... uh,
what do we call your folks?Copy !req
358. Do what?Copy !req
359. Like, is this a "Your Majesty"
type deal, or...Copy !req
360. Uh, y-yeah, I guess.Copy !req
361. Okay, so...Copy !req
362. Oh, should I curtsy?Copy !req
363. Ugh, there's a picture.Copy !req
364. First of all, I was votedCopy !req
365. Most Ladylike in my
cotillion class, and I also...Copy !req
366. Who was your competition—
a boulder?Copy !req
367. - Oh, the Dri'n.Copy !req
368. What the...Copy !req
369. Hey, gang.
- Wha...Copy !req
370. Barry Six?Copy !req
371. Good God.
Not Barry Six.Copy !req
372. Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six.
Say, Bort.Copy !req
373. - Goddamn it, Bort.
- Hey, Six.
- You know him?Copy !req
374. How the hell do you know Bort?Copy !req
375. Oh, Bort and I go way back.Copy !req
376. I got Bort out of a sticky
little mess on Vega Three,Copy !req
377. - didn't I, bud?
- Yeah.Copy !req
378. So this was all
a big set-up?Copy !req
379. - Duh-hoy.
- I'm super sorry, you guys.Copy !req
380. Oh, you will be, you little...Copy !req
381. Butt-plug looking piece
of shit!Copy !req
382. That's what he reminds me of!Copy !req
383. Mother, please.Copy !req
384. Well look at him.Copy !req
385. So are we... cool?Copy !req
386. I mean, I am.Copy !req
387. Okay, well,
then I'm just gonna...Copy !req
388. kinda...Copy !req
389. tip... just tip on out, then.Copy !req
390. Wow.Copy !req
391. Wow. Look at that.
Little kook.Copy !req
392. You believe he's heir to the
throne of the House of Garj?Copy !req
393. What do you want with us?Copy !req
394. Well, me and Archer
have what you might callCopy !req
395. an outstanding account
to settle.Copy !req
396. So, for starters,
I'm gonna extractCopy !req
397. all the bones from his body.Copy !req
398. - What?
- No biggie.Copy !req
399. Well, now just hold on a minute!Copy !req
400. - Yeah!
- If this is betweenCopy !req
401. the two of you,
the rest of us...Copy !req
402. - No!
- The rest of you, I hope,Copy !req
403. are gonna fetch me
a pretty good priceCopy !req
404. when I sell you down
the spek mines.Copy !req
405. - Seriously?Copy !req
406. Yeah. Not great, huh?Copy !req
407. How about now— happy now?Copy !req
408. I mean... probably happier
than I'm gonna beCopy !req
409. when Barry Six
starts yanking my bones.Copy !req
410. Space phrasing.Copy !req
411. No.Copy !req
412. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
413. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req
414. Whoo!Copy !req
415. - Hey.Copy !req
416. - Welcome to the freak show.Copy !req
417. - Is that shepherd's pie?
- And banana puddin'.Copy !req
418. - Why, I oughta—
- You oughta... wash off
that 'nana puddin'.Copy !req
419. Archer 1999.Copy !req
420. All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.Copy !req