1. FXX presents
Archer 1999.
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2. Altair Beta?
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3. Why'd you wake me up
way the hell out here?
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4. We picked up a distress beacon.
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5. Not surprising.
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6. Altair Beta's not
the best neighborhood.
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7. Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.
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8. Yeah, speaking of—
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9. looks like pirateshit that transport pretty hard.
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10. Well, what say we go
pick the bones?
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11. I'd say, uh,
unfortunate choice of words.
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12. Figuratively.
Hopefully.
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13. Well, I'm in, but you know
what she's gonna say.
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14. Why, does she talk
in her sleep?
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15. What? Mother, come on.
We can't not...
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16. I mean, Lana's
the co-captain, so...
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17. - So?
- Huh.
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18. W-Well, should we
wake up anybody?
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19. - Why would we?
- Good point.
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20. Let's go check it out.
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21. W-Wait, Mother.
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22. - Hang on.
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23. Oh, for the...
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24. - You are disgusting.
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25. Me?
He's the one wallowing in...
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26. Oh, freeze-dried
shepherd's pie.
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27. Ugh! And banana pudding.
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28. So, on the off chance
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29. the pirates left
anything worth taking...
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30. There's no sense cutting
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31. the rest of those idiots
in on the deal.
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32. Yeah, they'll just... Wait,
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33. what do you mean,
"the rest of those idiots?"
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34. - Hmm?-Are you implying I'm an idiot?
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35. - No, I...
- Yes, you were.
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36. I wasn't implying anything.
You...
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37. Proximity alert.
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38. Proximity alert.
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39. Proximity alert.
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40. - What the hell?
- Proximity alert.
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41. Idiot.
- Aha! See?
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42. - You were implying it.
- I'm saying it!
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43. Now can you please
just dock the damn thing?
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44. - Yes.
Nope!
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45. Here we go.
- Oh, goody.
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46. And just what in my own
personal hell
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47. - do you two think you're doing?-Well...
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48. And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me.
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49. Okay, then...
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50. Never mind.
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51. Damn it, Krieger, why'd you
have to wake her up?
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52. You big-mouth... fish.
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53. Don't call me fish!
And I didn't write my code,
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54. - so don't yell at me.
- I'll do the yelling.
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55. Great, that way we know
you're getting enough oxygen.
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56. Now, somebody explain to me
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57. why you're docking the ship
without permission.
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58. - Permission?
- Look, we picked up
a distress beacon,
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59. and we thought, you know,
that we'd...
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60. Leave us all in stasis
while you sneak in there
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61. to loot whatever the
pirates might've left behind
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62. in there, which—
spoiler alert— is jack-shit
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63. unless you're counting
the ionic charges
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64. they left as booby-traps!
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65. Well, you've clearly already
made up your mind, so...
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66. Somebody tell me
this is a joke.
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67. Oh, what, you being first mate? Sadly, no. Not a joke.
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68. No, this. Which better not
be what it looks like.
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69. That's better than
what it smells like.
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70. - Huh?
- Which is a giant bag
of assholes.
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71. - What?
- Cyril, you reek.
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72. No, I...
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73. Is that shepherd's pie?
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74. And banana pudding.
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75. Damn it, Archer.
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76. Did you fart in my
stasis pod again?
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77. - Why, I oughta...
- You oughta wash off
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78. that 'nana puddin'.
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79. Stop touching me!
You stink!
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80. Will you two knock it off?
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81. - Yes.
- Ow!
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82. Why do we even
serve shepherd's pie?
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83. And, follow-up, why do we have
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84. the world's loneliest
courtesan on board?
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85. - Seriously, though,
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86. this whole place smells
like a fart shit its pants.
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87. Did somebody say pants?
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88. 'Cause I'm not wearing any.
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89. Because welcome
to the freak show.
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90. What?
Said the bug zapper.
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91. - Yeah, and speaking of.
- What?
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92. We had a deal.
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93. Yeah, come on, Mom.
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94. Oh, all right.
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95. - Happy?
- No, actually.
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96. Because you two were about to
violate quarantine protocols,
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97. possibly exposing my ship
to dangerous...
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98. - It's not your ship!
- Half of it is.
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99. Because I had
a shitty divorce lawyer.
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100. Whose fault is that?
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101. You're the one
who wanted a divorce!
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102. When what I should've done
is just wait for you
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103. to get murdered by one of the
enemies you either owe money,
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104. cheated, cuckolded,
straight-up stole from,
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105. or some combination thereof.
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106. Your point being?
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107. Her point,
Captain Doctor Science,
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108. is you can't expose
just half the ship
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109. to potentially deadly
microorganisms.
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110. Aha!
Potentially deadly.
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111. I'm not having
this argument again.
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112. Apparently you are.
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113. - No, I'm not.
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114. Aborting docking sequence.
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115. Yes, you a...
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116. - Damn it, Lana!
- Aborting docking seq...
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117. Krieger!
- Guys, come on.
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118. We've been over and over
and over this.
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119. The Laws of Robotics...
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120. Is made-up shit
from a comic book.
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121. - Sorry.
- Don't be. It had to be said.
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122. What the shit?
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123. - Oh, my God.
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124. What is that?
Oh, my God,
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125. - what the hell...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everybody, shh.
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126. - Aah!
- Kill it!
- Boy!
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127. Whew.
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128. - Are...
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129. Happy?
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130. I'm... happy you're not.
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131. What the hell was that thing?
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132. I think the more pressing
question is...
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133. No, Krieger,
for the millionth time,
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134. - you'll never be a real boy.
- I was going to say...
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135. I think it's more tragic
than anything.
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136. - You're one to talk.
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137. - I was going to say...
- Ooh!
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138. When will you be a real boy?
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139. What the hell
was it running from?
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140. Um...
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141. - Son of a...
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142. Dri'n dak!
Dak txakurrak!
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143. Oh, yeah?
You want some of this?
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144. Ow!
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145. I think they might, actually.
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146. Dri'n bastards.
Krieger, blast door.
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147. Yep, yep, yep.
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148. - That oughta hold 'em. Okay...
- Hang on.
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149. Shut up.
Krieger, undock us.
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150. Cyril, Pam, Carol,
grab a weapon,
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151. split up, and find
that xenomorph.
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152. For all we know
he's a Trojan horse.
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153. - He was pretty rubbery.
So stupid.
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154. Right?
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155. And if you can temporarily
de-ass your head,
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156. want to get us out to here?
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157. Why?
We can take these assholes.
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158. Hull damage.
- You were saying?
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159. - Hull damage.
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160. - Hull damage.
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161. - Hull damage.
- I heard you.
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162. Okay, Krieger, we clear?
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163. Yep, yep, yep!
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164. Okay then.
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165. Everybody brace
for initial thrust.
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166. In three...
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167. - Whoa!
- God...
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168. - Damn...
- Son of a...
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169. - Bitch!
- Ow!
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170. "Woooooo!"
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171. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
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172. - no, no!
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173. Can't have anything nice.
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174. Never gets old, does it?
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175. Nope.
Unlike some people.
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176. Excuse me?
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177. Lana, handle your business.
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178. There's a giant squeezy toy
on the loose.
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179. I'll squeeze your... Damn it!
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180. Got nothing.
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181. Okay, keep your
crazy eyes peeled.
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182. And watch your muzzle,
will ya?
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183. I'm not trying to get
blasted in the face.
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184. - Well, I'm not
trying to get slimed.
- What?
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185. It's not a ghost, dumb-ass.
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186. - How do you know?
Because
nothing's a ghost.
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187. - Shh.
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188. You open it on three.
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189. Ready?
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190. One...
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191. - Oh, for... You pussy.
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192. You're supposed to belooking for the damn xenomorph.
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193. I'm checking
all the storage lockers.
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194. This one's clear.
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195. On me.
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196. - Freeze!
- Don't shoot, don't shoot!
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197. Let me see those hands!
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198. I... I don't have any.
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199. - Duh-hoy.
- Shut up.
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200. Okay, so who or what are you?
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201. I... W... I'm Bort.
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202. Bort the Garj?
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203. - Of the House of Garj?
- Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,
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204. just, what do you think
you're doing?
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205. Eating off-brand cereal.
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206. No, the passengers
were from all over.
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207. I was the only Garj, and sol was able to hide in the walls
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208. when they attacked
the transport.
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209. And after they killed
all the crew, they just...
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210. took everybody.
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211. To sell into the spek mines,
no doubt.
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212. So how do you know English?
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213. - Is... that relevant?
- Yeah, Lana.
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214. I mean, why does anybody
know it?
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215. I mean she does.
She's obviously not human.
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216. - But not so obviously a she.
- Hey!
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217. We were all thinking it.
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218. 'Cause you're all
a bunch of xenophobes.
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219. Are you...
You're as bad as she is.
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220. - Always calling me fish or...
- That doesn't count.
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221. - You're a robot.
- Synthetic human.
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222. Potato, pobobot, am I right?
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223. Anyway, the important thing
is I'm okay.
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224. - Is that so?
- Well, yeah.
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225. I mean, I'm heir to the throne
of the House of Garj, so...
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226. And that's actually
a pretty huge deal.
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227. - Well, li-like, how huge?
- Well...
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228. I-If you had to express it
monetarily.
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229. - Wh... Oh, no.
- Lana, shut up.
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230. - Archer, shut up.
- No!
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231. - We are not going off on some... -Wild goose chase! Who's in?
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232. - I'm so in!-Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!-Ooh, me!
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233. - No. Now, wait a minute.
- Lana, democracy has spoken.
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234. So, if we take you home
to Garj...
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235. Well, to Garjek, our moon,
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236. then my parents
will reward you handsomely.
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237. I'm already handsome.
How much?
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238. I mean...
easily a million credits.
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239. - In this economy?
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240. And like I said,
I'm a pretty huge deal.
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241. Yes, yes, you definitely are.
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242. So, can somebody here please
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243. get His Highness
some more cereal right now?
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244. Yeah, or maybe
just better cereal?
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245. Well, I don't know
about all that.
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246. Just a thought.
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247. Can I talk to you... please?
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248. If you can do it while I'm
plotting a course for Garjek.
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249. Wha...
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250. And ignoring you.
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251. Because we need to put
the ship in dry-dock.
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252. The hull was damaged,
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253. - even before this fiasco.
All right,
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254. carry the two...
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255. And now you want to put more
stress on the ship
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256. and jump two systems away
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257. just because a sentient blobsays there might be money in it.
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258. Uncarry the two.
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259. On top of which—
not that you give a shit—
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260. but you swore to me
we'd go back to Earth.
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261. - You promised.
- Lana, come on.
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262. I promised you lots of things.
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263. - Archer...
- Besides,
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264. like you said,
it's just two systems, a...
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265. a skip and a jump.
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266. What could possibly go wrong?
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267. - Seriously?
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268. Besides all the normal stuff
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269. that could easily
go disastrously wrong,
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270. - since space travel
is so dangerous.
- Ugh.
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271. Woooooo!
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272. Hyperspace!
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273. Oh, m... oh, man.
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274. Is hyperspace not the best?
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275. If you mean is it the bestat putting stress on the hull...
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276. Is this
the rest of my life now—
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277. you bitching
about the damn hull?
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278. Right? Relax.
The hull's gonna be...
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279. - Aah!
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280. - What the hell was that?
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281. My last bottle of bitter lemon!
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282. Dri'n fighters inbound.
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283. From where?
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284. From the transport.
What?
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285. They must've
followed us, dumb-ass.
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286. How am I a dumb-ass?
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287. How much time do you have?
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288. Ow!
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289. Uh... not much.
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290. Hull damage.
- We know!
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291. Battle stations.
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292. Ugh! What now?
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293. Seriously.
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294. But whatever it is,
I'm sure it's Archer's fault.
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295. - Krieger, helm!
- Yep!
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296. Okay, assholes.
Sun's out, guns out.
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297. Well, in space,
the sun is always...
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298. Don't step on my line, fish!
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299. Whoa...
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300. Uh, I thought this was
a civilian ship.
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301. Isn't it illegal
for it to have weapons?
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302. Oh, my God, it is.
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303. Should we pull over and
call the Federation, or, uh...
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304. - What? No, I just...
- 'Cause we're happy
to pull over, Bort!
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305. S-seriously?
No. Archer...
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306. - Please!
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307. Quit dicking around.
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308. Yeah, Bort.
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309. Come on, come on,
come on, come on...
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310. Yes!
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311. Get some! Get some!
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312. Suppressing fire!
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313. Jesus,
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314. you couldn't suppress a cough.
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315. Yes, I could.
- Touché, Cyril.
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316. We're taking too much damage!
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317. Damn it!
Okay, Carol...
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318. Carol?
Carol!
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319. - What?
You know what!
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320. - Ugh!
Goddamn it, woman.
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321. All right, already!
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322. Jesus!
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323. Isn't it kind of weird
Carol hates doing
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324. the one thing she's good at?
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325. No, I get it. I mean,
I'm like that with blowjobs.
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326. Oh, for...
Wai-Wait, what?
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327. - Yeah, whooda what?
Since when
are you good at blowjobs?
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328. Excuse me?
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329. For your information...
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330. Cyril, shut up.
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331. - Let the man speak.
Yeah, Lana.
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332. He has nothing to say
on the matter.
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333. - Do you, Cyril?
- I... No, I guess not.
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334. Whoa, w-whoa, w...
wait a minute.
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335. Hey, look over there—
that was the last pirate.
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336. Way to go, Carol.
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337. Yeah. Yay me.
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338. Okay, we will
talk about this later.
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339. No, we won't.
But for now,
head to the gig.
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340. We leave for the surface
in five.
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341. Time to see what
a million credits looks like.
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342. And we should
take a duffel bag, or...
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343. - Ray, uh, what are you doing?
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344. I thought I'd go down with
y'all and see if I could,
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345. you know, find some clientele.
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346. Hey, you know what?
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347. I don't need it!
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348. Aw, man. Now I feel
kind of bad.
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349. Yeah, I d...
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350. I do too. Let's bring him
something back.
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351. Does he still collect
those little spoons?
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352. Ugh, yes.
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353. Hey, we're not going down
there for a shopping spree.
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354. We're gonna use that reward
money to repair the ship.
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355. Jesus, calm down,
it's just a spoon.
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356. Yeah, Lana.
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357. So, Bort, wh... uh,
what do we call your folks?
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358. Do what?
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359. Like, is this a "Your Majesty"
type deal, or...
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360. Uh, y-yeah, I guess.
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361. Okay, so...
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362. Oh, should I curtsy?
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363. Ugh, there's a picture.
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364. First of all, I was voted
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365. Most Ladylike in my
cotillion class, and I also...
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366. Who was your competition—
a boulder?
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367. - Oh, the Dri'n.
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368. What the...
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369. Hey, gang.
- Wha...
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370. Barry Six?
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371. Good God.
Not Barry Six.
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372. Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six.
Say, Bort.
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373. - Goddamn it, Bort.
- Hey, Six.
- You know him?
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374. How the hell do you know Bort?
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375. Oh, Bort and I go way back.
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376. I got Bort out of a sticky
little mess on Vega Three,
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377. - didn't I, bud?
- Yeah.
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378. So this was all
a big set-up?
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379. - Duh-hoy.
- I'm super sorry, you guys.
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380. Oh, you will be, you little...
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381. Butt-plug looking piece
of shit!
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382. That's what he reminds me of!
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383. Mother, please.
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384. Well look at him.
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385. So are we... cool?
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386. I mean, I am.
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387. Okay, well,
then I'm just gonna...
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388. kinda...
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389. tip... just tip on out, then.
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390. Wow.
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391. Wow. Look at that.
Little kook.
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392. You believe he's heir to the
throne of the House of Garj?
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393. What do you want with us?
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394. Well, me and Archer
have what you might call
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395. an outstanding account
to settle.
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396. So, for starters,
I'm gonna extract
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397. all the bones from his body.
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398. - What?
- No biggie.
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399. Well, now just hold on a minute!
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400. - Yeah!
- If this is between
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401. the two of you,
the rest of us...
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402. - No!
- The rest of you, I hope,
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403. are gonna fetch me
a pretty good price
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404. when I sell you down
the spek mines.
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405. - Seriously?
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406. Yeah. Not great, huh?
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407. How about now— happy now?
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408. I mean... probably happier
than I'm gonna be
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409. when Barry Six
starts yanking my bones.
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410. Space phrasing.
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411. No.
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412. Made in Georgia.
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413. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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414. Whoo!
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415. - Hey.
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416. - Welcome to the freak show.
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417. - Is that shepherd's pie?
- And banana puddin'.
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418. - Why, I oughta—
- You oughta... wash off
that 'nana puddin'.
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419. Archer 1999.
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420. All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
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