Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations 1x9

1. GIVE ME THE LIGHTER.

2. I SAID, "THE LIGHTER." THE LIGHTER, NUMBNUTS.

3. ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE ME THE RING.

4. I SAID, "THE RING," DIP THE RING.

5. GOOD JOB.

6. I WRITE.

7. I TRAVEL.

8. I EAT.

9. AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.

10. I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED NEW ZEALAND —

11. THE LAND DOWN UNDER DOWN UNDER —

12. AS A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY POPULATED BY REALLY NICE PEOPLE

13. AS DIVERSE AND UNIQUE AS THE TERRAIN ITSELF.

14. IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THEY CHOSE TO SHOOT

15. THOSE "LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES HERE.

16. IT'S LIKE NOTHING ELSE I'VE SEEN ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.

17. BUT IT'S ALSO THE COUNTRY

18. WHERE I NEARLY LOST MY LIFE... SERIOUSLY.

19. ALTHOUGH, I WAS PROBABLY ASKING FOR IT.

20. THEN AGAIN, THE WAY THE TRIP STARTED,

21. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING.

22. MOVING UNITS, MOVING UNITS.

23. JUST LOOK AT ME NOW, TRAVELING THE WORLD

24. LIKE AN ITINERANT BORSCHT-BELT COMEDIAN,

25. SIGNING COPIES OF MY BOOKS, GIVING INTERVIEWS —

26. A HALF-LIFE, IF A RELATIVELY PAMPERED AND EXOTIC ONE.

27. I USED TO HAVE A REAL JOB AS A WORKING CHEF —

28. 28 YEARS BEHIND A STOVE.

29. 28 YEARS SEARING MEAT,

30. DUNKING FRIES, ROASTING BONES,

31. AND SLINGING HASH.

32. I WROTE ONE OBNOXIOUS, OVERTESTOSTERONED BOOK,

33. AND SUDDENLY MY LIFE CHANGED OVERNIGHT.

34. THIS IS PART OF MY NEW LIFE AS "THE FLYING DUTCHMAN."

35. BOPPING FROM ONE FOOD-AND-WINE FESTIVAL TO ANOTHER,

36. TRAVELING AROUND THE WORLD LIKE RUNNING PERPETUALLY FOR SHERIFF,

37. TALKING WITLESSLY ABOUT MYSELF

38. IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE OF FOODIES.

39. THIS TIME AROUND, I'VE BEEN BOOKED INTO

40. THE SAVOUR FOOD-AND-WINE FESTIVAL IN CHRISTCHURCH.

41. HERE WE GO —

42. ANOTHER CONFERENCE HALL FILLED TO CAPACITY

43. WITH PEOPLE PAYING TOP DOLLAR TO HEAR ME SPEAK.

44. I DO THIS A LOT, AND I INTEND TO KILL TODAY.

45. KILL, I TELL YOU.

46. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAIN EVENT.

47. PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE BAD BOY LOVED 'ROUND THE WORLD —

48. ANTHONY BOURDAIN.

49. I AM A LITTLE WORRIED

50. WHEN COOKBOOKS AND COOKING SHOWS ARE LIKE PORN,

51. YOU KNOW, FOOD PORN.

52. I WORRY THAT PEOPLE ARE LIKE WHEN THEY LOOK AT PORN,

53. YOU KNOW, GAPING AT PICTURES

54. OF PEOPLE DOING THINGS IN PHOTOGRAPHS

55. THAT THEY THEMSELVES ARE NOT GOING TO BE DOING ANYTIME SOON.

56. REALLY, IS THERE ANY VEGETARIANS HERE?

57. I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE.

58. NOTHING.

59. I'M FREAKING DYING OUT HERE.

60. MY GOD, IS THIS THE END?

61. HAVE MY 15 MINUTES OF FAME RUN OUT?

62. HAVE I LOST IT?

63. I'VE GOT ANOTHER TALK COMING UP IN A WEEK.

64. AND UNLESS I WANT A REPEAT OF TODAY'S DEBACLE,

65. I BETTER FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES THESE KIWIS TICK.

66. SO I'LL START OFF BY PARTICIPATING

67. IN AN AUTHENTIC NEW ZEALAND PASTIME,

68. SOMETHING THAT TAKES A BIT OF HARD WORK.

69. PERHAPS A LITTLE WILD BOAR HUNTING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE

70. WILL PUT ME BACK IN TOUCH WITH MY PRIMAL ROOTS,

71. GIVE ME BACK THAT KILLER INSTINCT, SOME EDGE.

72. OKAY, TIME TO GET THE HECK OUT OF DODGE

73. AND HEAD UP TO THE OPEN COUNTRY

74. ON THE NORTHERN TIP OF NEW ZEALAND'S SOUTH ISLAND.

75. I'VE GOT TO ASK YOU. I'M A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE.

76. I-I'M — APPARENTLY, I HAVE TO FIND MY OWN DINNER TOMORROW?

77. YOU CERTAINLY DO. OKAY.

78. TANIA, A LOCAL INNKEEPER,

79. HAS BEEN GOOD ENOUGH TO HOOK ME UP

80. WITH SOME EXPERT WILD BOAR HUNTERS

81. WHO PROMISE TO TAKE ME OFF THE MAIN HIGHWAY

82. AND BACK TO THE ESSENTIALS — BLOOD AND MEAT.

83. I HAVE SEEN A PIG DIE BEFORE.

84. WHAT'S IN STORE FOR ME?

85. IT'S QUITE A VOCAL ACTIVITY.

86. YOU'VE DONE THIS?

87. YES, I HAVE.

88. AND HOW DO WE DISPOSE OF THEM?

89. WITH, LIKE, AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON, RIGHT?

90. NO, A KNIFE.

91. A KNIFE? YES.

92. WELL, I GUESS, LET'S SAY AN 80-POUND BOAR —

93. IT SCREAMS LIKE A STUCK PIG, STRANGELY ENOUGH.

94. I LOVE CUTE, LITTLE ANIMALS. I'M A CIVILIZED SORT OF A GUY.

95. BUT TOMORROW IT'S "TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE."

96. COME ON!

97. AH, A BEAUTIFUL DAY AT THE MUDBRICK LODGE.

98. TANIA, AN EXILE FROM THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF THE CITY,

99. MOVED TO THE MARLBOROUGH REGION IN PURSUIT OF A SIMPLER LIFE.

100. AND LOOKING AROUND, IT'S HARD TO BLAME HER.

101. ARE YOU GONNA COME AND SAY HELLO?

102. THE LAST FEW YEARS,

103. SHE'S BEEN OPERATING THIS COZY AND COMFORTABLE RETREAT

104. TUCKED AWAY IN THE RAI VALLEY.

105. IT ISN'T THE FIVE-STAR HOTELS I'VE BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO,

106. BUT IT'S PERFECT FOR GETTING AWAY FROM ALL THE MADNESS.

107. ALAS, NO TIME TO SLEEP IN AND RELAX.

108. I FEEL LIKE A PORK CHOP.

109. TANIA'S WOKEN ME UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN.

110. THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR.

111. OUT WITH THREE WOODSY TYPES AND A PACK OF DOGS.

112. I FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

113. MEET BUGS, SCUM,

114. AND THE MORE SENSIBLY NAMED ANDY.

115. REALLY, THAT'S THEIR NAMES.

116. TANIA SENT ME OUT TO THE BUSH

117. WITH STRICT INSTRUCTIONS TO NOT COME HOME WITHOUT DINNER.

118. NOT TO WORRY — THESE THREE GUYS HAVE REFINED BOAR HUNTING

119. TO A LETHAL SCIENCE.

120. STRONGER BEAT.

121. BUGS POINTS OUT SOME FRESHLY DISTURBED SOIL —

122. THE TELLTALE SIGN OF THE WILD BOAR.

123. SEND THE ADVANCE PARTY UP.

124. BEFORE ANY OF YOU ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS GO CRAZY ON ME,

125. IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT WILD BOAR

126. ARE CONSIDERED A REAL MENACE TO FARMS IN NEW ZEALAND,

127. TEARING UP EVERYTHING GREEN IN SIGHT.

128. THEY GET SO OUT OF HAND,

129. THE GOVERNMENT PROVIDES INCENTIVES TO HUNTERS.

130. REASON WHY IT'S GOOD TO KEEP THE PIGS DOWN TO GOOD NUMBERS —

131. FIRST, FOR WAR.

132. ALL THE MEN IN NEW ZEALAND WENT OFF TO WAR

133. AND LEFT THEIR WIVES ON THE FARMS.

134. AND THE PIGS GOT OUT OF CONTROL

135. AND JUST BASICALLY DROVE THEM OFF THE FARMS.

136. PLUS, THEY'RE GOOD EATING.

137. IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD FEED.

138. REMINDS ME OF NED BEATTY IN "DELIVERANCE."

139. ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES.

140. THE THREE AMIGOS AND THEIR DOGS ARE HOT ON THE BOAR'S TRAIL,

141. WHILE I'M ASSIGNED THE ARDUOUS TASK OF HUMPING UP THE HILL

142. AND TRYING TO KEEP UP.

143. COME ON, TONY. JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER.

144. THIS ISN'T FAIR.

145. THE DOGS HAVE FOUR LEGS TO MY TWO,

146. AND THEY DON'T SMOKE TWO PACKS A DAY.

147. DINNER.

148. I'VE HEARD OF SINGING FOR YOUR SUPPER, BUT THIS IS PUSHING IT.

149. MAYBE WE CAN JUST GET TAKEOUT.

150. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO OUR PIGGY?

151. WHAT'S OUR PIGGY FRIEND DOING RIGHT NOW?

152. HE'S IN DRASTIC TROUBLE.

153. ANDY'S UP THERE.

154. HE'S GONNA —

155. I THINK HE'S GONNA TRY AND GET THE DOGS OFF

156. AND BRING IT DOWN ALIVE.

157. IT'LL JUST COME RUNNING DOWN HERE AND HOP INTO MY ARMS

158. WITH AN APPLE IN ITS MOUTH?

159. POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY, YEAH.

160. HERE, BOY.

161. OH, YEAH.

162. TYPICALLY, THE DOGS COME BACK FROM HUNTING

163. THE VICIOUS WILD BOAR

164. WITH GASHES AND PATCHES OF MISSING FUR.

165. LUCKILY FOR THEM,

166. THIS PARTICULAR OUTING WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

167. OKAY, NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS... YET.

168. BUT SCUM —

169. I DO NOT WANT THIS MAN MAD AT ME.

170. WELL, OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

171. SO, APPARENTLY, ALL MEAT DOESN'T COME IN A PLASTIC BAG OR A BOX.

172. DOES IT, PORKY?

173. BETTER YOU THAN ME.

174. I LIKE ANIMALS. THEY'RE CUTE.

175. BUT I ALSO LIKE THE DELICIOUS TASTE OF WILD PORK.

176. OKAY, I MADE IT THROUGH THE HUNT.

177. FOR A WHILE, IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS GONNA BE ME, NOT THE BOAR,

178. GETTING CARRIED OFF THE HILL.

179. FELLOW HUNTERS,

180. DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL WITH YOUR BLOOD-STAINED HANDS.

181. WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE.

182. ONCE AN ANIMAL SAFELY BECOMES MEAT,

183. I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

184. SPEAKING OF DINNER,

185. ALL THIS FRESH NEW ZEALAND COUNTRY AIR

186. IS STARTING TO MAKE ME HUNGRY.

187. AS I PROUDLY RETURN TO THE LODGE

188. WITH MY TRIUMPHANT BAND OF HAPPY HUNTSMEN,

189. TANIA TAKES THE OPPORTUNITY TO POINT OUT

190. THAT MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE HUNT IS, WELL, MINIMAL.

191. YOU GOT TO THE PIG...

192. MM-HMM.

193. BUT YOU DIDN'T STICK IT?

194. NO, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE SO GOOD AT THAT.

195. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND A LOT OF UNNECESSARY TIME

196. ROOTING AROUND IN THERE.

197. MY BLOODLUST IS NOT SO STRONG.

198. NOW, THIS GOT ME KICKED OUT OF THE HOLLYWOOD HYATT,

199. SO MAKE SURE TO ASK AT THE FRONT DESK

200. BEFORE TRYING THIS YOURSELF.

201. BUT HERE AT MUDBRICK,

202. IT'S STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE —

203. YOU BRING IT, YOU BUTCHER IT.

204. OH, YEAH. ALMOST DINNER.

205. IS IT SOUP YET?

206. I'LL GO THROUGH AND OPEN HER UP AND THEN PEEL IT DOWN.

207. SORT OF SKIN THEM. A LOT OF PEOPLE SINGE THEM.

208. ME, MYSELF, AND MOST PEOPLE I KNOW,

209. WE PREFER NOT TO SINGE THEM

210. 'CAUSE YOU GET THE BURNT-HAIR TASTE.

211. HOW ABOUT SHAVING AND WAXING?

212. THAT COULD WORK.

213. THIS WILL BE ME SOMEDAY — I JUST KNOW IT —

214. KILLED AND EVISCERATED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

215. HE LOOKS COMFORTABLY LIKE MEAT NOW.

216. STARTING TO, ISN'T IT?

217. A BIT DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU SEEN EARLIER.

218. YOU TAKE HIS HEAD OFF? YEAH, I'LL TAKE IT OFF.

219. OH, TWISTED RIGHT OFF THERE.

220. AFTER A SKILLED SKINNING AND BEHEADING,

221. MY PAL ANDY TURNS OPERATIONS OVER TO THE PROFESSIONAL — ME.

222. NO PROBLEMO, DUDE.

223. NOT THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ELBOW DEEP IN BLOOD.

224. BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

225. I'LL BONE THAT OUT, AND I'LL STUFF IT AND ROLL IT.

226. COOL.

227. WHAT WE'RE HAVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

228. SEE, THE ANATOMY IS AMAZINGLY SIMILAR

229. TO THAT MOST MAGICAL OF ANIMALS — PIG.

230. YOU WANT THIS OUT? YEAH, JUST CUT THAT OUT.

231. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE BONING — THAT'S MY MOTTO —

232. AND LET ANDY WALK ME THROUGH SOME LOCAL RECIPE BASICS.

233. SOME APRICOTS, BIT OF APPLE, PINEAPPLE.

234. AND THE JUICES.

235. IN THERE WAS BREAD CRUMBS, A BIT OF SAGE AND ONION,

236. AND SOME MIXED HERBS.

237. LIKE THAT? YEP.

238. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF A BIT POPS OUT.

239. IF A LOT OF IT COMES OUT, IT'S OKAY.

240. THIS IS BEGINNING TO LOOK FAMILIAR.

241. HERE'S THE FUN PART. I LOVE DOING THIS.

242. IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT...

243. AH, IT'S LIKE RIDING A BIKE.

244. OR TYING YOUR SHOES.

245. NOW, WATCH CLOSELY.

246. THE RABBIT COMES OUT OF THE HOLE.

247. IT GOES 'ROUND THE TREE...

248. AND TIES HIS BIG, FLOPPY EARS SEVERAL TIMES

249. AROUND HIS DELICIOUS FRIEND.

250. NOW IT'S OFF TO SCHOOL.

251. AND REMEMBER, DON'T TALK TO THE NICE MAN WITH THE CANDY.

252. WELL, A LITTLE BIT OF NOSTALGIA FOR THE OLD FOLKS.

253. AND ANOTHER PESKY BLIGHT ON THE FARMLAND ERADICATED.

254. NEXT PATIENT.

255. SEE, MY FRIENDS,

256. EVEN THE SAVAGE AND UNLOVELY WILD BOAR CAN BE YOUR FRIEND.

257. THIS GUY, FOR INSTANCE.

258. JUST SALT, PEPPER,

259. THROW HIM INTO A PREHEATED 375-DEGREE OVEN.

260. LET HIM GO FOR, LIKE, 25, 30 MINUTES.

261. CRANK IT DOWN TO ABOUT 325 FOR, I'M GUESSING,

262. ABOUT AN HOUR, AN HOUR AND A QUARTER.

263. YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF PRETTY DAMN HOT.

264. LET'S EAT.

265. WITH PLENTY OF TIME TILL DINNER,

266. IT'S TIME, I THINK, FOR A WELL-DESERVED COLD ONE.

267. AND I MIGHT AS WELL PICK UP SOME BEER FOR DINNER

268. WHILE I'M IN TOWN.

269. WHAT WE'VE GOT IS A TANK OF HOT WATER

270. WHEN WE GET HERE IN THE MORNING.

271. MEET CRAIG, OWNER OF HARRINGTON'S BREWERY,

272. WHERE HE'S BEEN MAKING LIFE A LITTLE MORE TOLERABLE

273. FOR HIS FELLOW COUNTRYMEN FOR SOME TIME NOW.

274. WE TAKE THE BEER AT 103 DEGREES, PUT IT THROUGH...

275. BEER HAS BEEN FERMENTED,

276. WHICH WILL CONVERT THE SUGAR TO THE ALCOHOL.

277. YEAST IS A LIVING THING,

278. SO IT NEEDS A WEE BIT OF OXYGEN TO COME TO LIFE.

279. OUT OF THERE, WE GO OFF INTO THE LAGERING PROCESS,

280. WHICH IS IN THE COOL ROOM NEXT DOOR.

281. IT'S IN THERE FOR AROUND ABOUT A GOOD MONTH FOR A LAGER.

282. RIGHT, OKAY.

283. THIS IS NOT SO INTERESTING, FRANKLY.

284. I LIKE TO DRINK BEER. WATCHING IT MADE — MEH.

285. ON SECOND THOUGHT, CRAIG, WHY DON'T WE JUST SIT DOWN

286. AND READ FROM AL GORE'S MEMOIRS?

287. WE'LL PUMP THAT WHOLE TANK FULL OF BEER OUT USING C02.

288. YEAST, MALT, HOPS — YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

289. I GREW UP WITH THOSE DAMN COMMERCIALS.

290. ENOUGH TALK ABOUT BEER — LET'S DRINK SOME BEER.

291. OH, YEAH. THAT'S GOOD.

292. THAT'S DELICIOUS. CHOCOLATY.

293. SO I UNDERSTAND YOU OWN A PUB.

294. YEAH, WELL, NOT LONG SET UP A LITTLE BAR UP THE ROAD.

295. WHAT'S THAT? BEER IN A GLASS?

296. YES, THAT'S WHERE BEER SHOULD BE.

297. LEAD THE WAY, MY FRIEND.

298. HMM, A BAR NEXT TO A BARBER — JUST LIKE THE PHONEBOOK.

299. RECENTLY, FOCUS GROUPS HAVE DETERMINED THAT MOST AMERICANS

300. DON'T LIKE SEEING ME DRINKING A LOT ON CAMERA.

301. SO THE QUESTION IS — HAIRCUT?

302. GOOD GROOMING OR MORE BEER?

303. HMM, BEER.

304. THESE FOCUS GROUPS ARE MAKING ME PARANOID.

305. IF BEER IS BAD, WHAT WILL THEY THINK

306. OF MY COMPLICITY IN PORCINE MURDER?

307. THAT SCENE IS NOT HELPING ME

308. WITH THAT VITAL FEMALE, 32-TO-48 DEMOGRAPHIC.

309. WAS THIS A BAD CAREER MOVE?

310. YOU KNOW, I'M FEELING GENUINELY REMORSEFUL.

311. I'M — I'M DROWNING IN GUILT.

312. OH, I FORGOT — I PROMISED TO BRING HOME BEER FOR DINNER.

313. WHICH OF YOUR FINE BEVERAGES

314. WOULD BE BEST SERVED WITH WILD BOAR?

315. I'D PROBABLY SAY YOU'D WANT, LIKE, A DARK PORTER.

316. OH, EXCELLENT. THANK YOU.

317. THIS WILL WASH AWAY ALL THE GUILT AND SHAME

318. OF HAVING SLAUGHTERED A HIGHLY INTELLIGENT ANIMAL.

319. THE BEER'S NOT HELPING.

320. I STILL FEEL GUILTY AND ASHAMED.

321. MAYBE THOSE VEGETARIANS WERE RIGHT.

322. MAYBE ALL LIVING THINGS NEED TO BE PROTECTED.

323. MAYBE THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE

324. IF WE ALL LIVED ON NUTS AND BERRIES,

325. FROLICKING WITH OUR ANIMAL FRIENDS IN BLISSFUL HARMONY,

326. SHARING TOFU TREATS TOGETHER IN THE OLD WALLOW.

327. CHEERS.

328. LET'S HAVE A COUPLE MORE OF THESE AND GO KILL SOMETHING.

329. ONE PINT DOWN, AND I'M GETTING HUNGRY...

330. FOR WILD PORK.

331. I'D BETTER GET BACK TO THE LODGE

332. BEFORE THEY EAT ALL THE GOOD PARTS.

333. THE HAMMOCK IS LOOKING AWFULLY INVITING RIGHT NOW,

334. BUT TANIA HAS OTHER IDEAS.

335. WILD BOAR GRAVY — I CAN DO THAT.

336. YEP, OUR LITTLE FRIEND THE BOAR.

337. OH, IT'S NICE TO SEE FOOD, YOU KNOW, CRADLE TO THE GRAVE.

338. THE WHOLE BLOODTHIRSTY GANG IS GATHERED FOR DINNER,

339. MY MOMENTARY LAPSE IN A VEGGIE SYMPATUDE

340. A DISTANT MEMORY.

341. NO TIME TO REST AFTER DINNER.

342. I'M PUT TO WORK ON A TRADITIONAL KIWI PAVLOVA.

343. THIS IS THE MOST FAMOUS KIWI DESSERT.

344. AND IT WAS INVENTED BY THE...

345. UH...

346. KIWIS?

347. IT CERTAINLY WAS.

348. YES. YES, IT WAS.

349. THEY LOVE THEIR PAVLOVAS HERE IN NEW ZEALAND.

350. THIS IS A SWEET MERINGUE WITH WHIPPED CREAM ON THE OUTSIDE,

351. BEST I CAN TELL.

352. PAVLOVA IS THEN TOPPED WITH FEIJOA AND KIWIS

353. BEFORE BEING DRIZZLED WITH A PASSION-FRUIT SAUCE.

354. MMM. OH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

355. SO, WE'RE SURE OF THE PROVENANCE OF THIS —

356. THAT THIS IS A DEFINITE NEW ZEALAND THING, RIGHT?

357. IT'S IN THE "EDMONDS COOKBOOK."

358. HEY, I'M NOT QUESTIONING. NO, I'M QUESTIONING.

359. PROOF. IT'S BEEN AROUND FOREVER.

360. OH! "ORIGINALLY INTRODUCED INTO NEW ZEALAND IN 1946."

361. "THOUGHT TO BE AN AMERICAN INVENTION

362. "CREATED FROM THE INDUSTRIAL WASTE

363. OF THE KRAFT CHEESE CORPORATION."

364. THEY'RE ONTO SOMETHING, TOO. IT'S DELICIOUS.

365. BUT EVEN AFTER THIS FLUFFY DESSERT,

366. I'M FEELING WANDERLUST FOR MORE BOONIES.

367. THIS OUTDOORSY LIFESTYLE HAS ITS GOOD POINTS.

368. I'M LIKING THIS A LOT.

369. NOW IF I CAN JUST FIND THE BUSINESS CENTER

370. AND THE STEAM ROOM IN THIS JOINT.

371. IF YOU THOUGHT THE BOAR LOOKED GOOD,

372. NEXT I'M OFF TO A BEACH BARBECUE

373. THAT'S SURE TO BE A MEMORABLE SPREAD —

374. IF I MAKE IT THERE ALIVE.

375. FOR MY NEXT ADVENTURE,

376. IT'S OFF TO THE REMOTE NORTHLAND COAST OF NEW ZEALAND

377. AND A SURFERS PARADISE.

378. I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE BEEN INVITED

379. TO A BARBECUE BY AL BROWN,

380. ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LEADING CHEFS.

381. I GUESS THE NEWS OF MY STINKING OUT THE PLACE

382. AT THE SAVOUR FESTIVAL HAS YET TO REACH THIS AREA.

383. ONLY CATCH IS THAT THE BARBECUE IS ON AN ISOLATED BEACH

384. ACCESSIBLE ONLY AT LOW TIDE ON FOUR-WHEELERS.

385. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY —

386. THE HARDER IT IS TO GET, THE BETTER THE FOOD.

387. YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO USE THE FOOT BRAKE.

388. YOU'RE USING THE HAND BRAKE.

389. TIME FOR A QUICK LESSON FROM GREG HALL,

390. A LOCAL FOUR-WHEEL EXPERT.

391. THE KEY TURNS ON OVER HERE. GOT NEUTRAL TO START.

392. GOES DRIVE UP IN FRONT AND REVERSE DOWN THE BACK, OKAY?

393. ALL RIGHT, I GET IT, I GET IT.

394. IT'S LIKE DRIVING AN OVERSIZED POWER WHEELS JEEP.

395. CAN WE SPEED THIS UP AND HIT THE TRAIL?

396. I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO KNOW, AND I'M HUNGRY.

397. LET'S RIDE.

398. FINALLY.

399. I CAN ALMOST SMELL THAT BARBECUE FROM HERE.

400. YEE-HAW! THIS IS FUN.

401. NOTHING LIKE DRIVING DOWN A PRISTINE BEACH,

402. SALT AIR IN YOUR NOSTRILS,

403. BURNING UP AROUND TWO GALLONS OF GASOLINE PER MILE.

404. OH, LOOK, HEAPS OF DECOMPOSING SEAWEED.

405. LET'S STOP!

406. I'M PICKING OUT THIS LIGHT STUFF HERE,

407. WHICH IS ACTUALLY AGAR.

408. THE DOCTORS USE IT IN A STERILE MEDIUM

409. FOR GROWING BACTERIA AND THINGS ON YOUR AGAR PLATES.

410. OUR FRIEND FERRAN ADRIà AT EL BULLI USES THIS STUFF A LOT

411. TO THICKEN HIS HOT JELLIED CONSOMMé,

412. AND A LOT OF HIS NEW MOLECULAR GASTRONOMY

413. RELIES ON THIS STUFF.

414. I DON'T WANT TO SIDETRACK THINGS

415. WITH AN OBSCURE FOOD-NERD REFERENCE

416. TO HIS PRECIOUS SEAWEED, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

417. I WAS A CHEF... ONCE.

418. NOTHING LIKE COMMUNING WITH NATURE...

419. WITH A BIG ENGINE STRAPPED BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

420. GREG DEMONSTRATES SOME FANCY MOVES.

421. I'M THINKING, "HOTDOGGER.

422. "I CAN DO THAT.

423. "SHOW OFF.

424. TRYING TO MAKE YANKEE BOY LOOK BAD, EH?"

425. AT THIS POINT, I'M THINKING, "I CAN KEEP UP.

426. JUST DO WHAT GREG DOES."

427. STAY RIGHT IN MY TRACKS

428. AND WE'LL JUST DO A NICE SLOW ONE.

429. WILL DO. DON'T DEVIATE OFF.

430. DO LIKE THE LOCALS DO — THAT'S MY MOTTO.

431. NOW IT'S MY TURN.

432. JUST LIKE A VIDEO GAME.

433. NOW, RIGHT HERE IS WHERE I MAKE A BIG MISTAKE.

434. I'M SO HOT ON KEEPING UP WITH GREG,

435. I DON'T BOTHER TO LISTEN WHEN HE YELLS BACK AT ME,

436. "DON'T DO WHAT I'M DOING."

437. BIG MISTAKE.

438. WHOA.

439. YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

440. I TOLD YOU NOT TO FOLLOW ME, EH?

441. SORRY, I DIDN'T HEAR THAT PART.

442. YOU ALL RIGHT?

443. YEAH, I'M FINE.

444. AT THAT'S THE MAIN THING.. I'M FINE.

445. 'CAUSE NORMALLY YOU GET HURT DOING THAT.

446. UM, AND, TONY, YOU MAY BE IN A LITTLE BIT OF SHOCK, TOO.

447. SO IF YOU'RE FEELING SLEEPY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT —

448. BE AWARE OF YOURSELF, HONESTLY.

449. IT COULD BE I'M IN SHOCK.

450. OH, YEAH, I THINK I'M MISSING MY SUNGLASSES.

451. NO, I PUT THEM DOWN OVER HERE?

452. THERE ARE MY GLASSES.

453. NOW, IF I CAN JUST FIND A NECK BRACE AND AN I.V. DRIP,

454. I'LL BE GOOD TO GO.

455. SEE WHERE YOU STARTED?

456. PARDON? SEE WHERE YOU STARTED?

457. OH, NO, I SAW WHERE — I STARTED TO RUN OUT OF JUICE,

458. AND I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE.

459. LOOKING UP AND SEEING THAT THING COME OVER ON ME WAS FUN.

460. YEAH, AFTER THE SECOND TIME,

461. I'M THINKING, "I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT TO ROLL ON ME AGAIN."

462. LET'S DO IT AGAIN, DAD.

463. ALL JOKES ASIDE, I GOT VERY LUCKY ON THIS ONE.

464. THIS COULD EASILY HAVE BECOME

465. WHAT MY PRODUCERS GHOULISHLY ALWAYS JOKINGLY REFER TO AS

466. THE "VERY SPECIAL EPISODE."

467. IN FACT, I EVEN REMEMBER MY PRODUCER SHOUTING,

468. "KEEP ROLLING," AS I STARTED TO FALL.

469. THEY EVEN HAVE THE SAD MUSIC ALL PICKED OUT.

470. YOU KNOW, SLO-MO SEQUENCE, FADE TO BLACK AT THE END.

471. I'M SORRY I DISAPPOINTED THEM THIS TIME.

472. I KNOW WHAT MY PRODUCER WAS THINKING, TOO —

473. "NEWS STORY — HOST OF TRAVEL CHANNEL SHOW

474. "CRUSHED BY 1,200 POUNDS OF QUAD BIKE.

475. "BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT YEAR TO 'NO RESERVATIONS,'

476. STARRING TYLER FLORENCE."

477. FORTUNATELY, I'M STILL HERE

478. AND ABLE TO SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THE SITUATION.

479. I'LL BE GETTING FREE BEERS OFF THAT STORY SOMEDAY.

480. THAT WAS FANTASTIC, EH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

481. HE COULD HAVE REALLY GOTTEN HURT THERE.

482. YEAH.

483. HE WAS TRYING TO STOP THE BIKE FROM GOING, TOO, YOU KNOW?

484. AIN'T NO BIG THING.

485. ANOTHER ARGUMENT FOR A STUNT DOUBLE.

486. ALL THAT EXCITEMENT GOT ME HUNGRY.

487. AND WHEN WE FINALLY ARRIVE, AL'S ALREADY STARTED COOKING.

488. IF I'D BEEN KILLED,

489. I WONDER IF THEY WOULD HAVE CANCELED THE BARBECUE.

490. KNOWING MY CREW, I DON'T THINK SO.

491. HAVING SOME GOOD FRIENDS OVER, PARK UP BY THE FIRE,

492. WATCH THE SUN GO DOWN.

493. AND IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

494. BEACH BARBECUES ARE A TRADITION OUT HERE.

495. NO ELECTRICITY IN THE "BACH," AS THEY CALL THIS BUILDING.

496. ALL THIS DELICIOUS FOOD IS PREPARED

497. WITH JUST A WOOD HEARTH

498. AND SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED KNOW-HOW.

499. THESE ARE THE TUATUA,

500. WHICH HAVE COME STRAIGHT OUT OF THE SAND

501. STRAIGHT IN FRONT OF US.

502. TO THE LAYMAN, TUATUAS ARE CLAMS.

503. WE CALL THESE BUGS. THESE ARE CRAYFISH.

504. THESE WERE CAUGHT STRAIGHT OUT HERE, AS WELL.

505. NEARLY EVERYTHING AL IS PREPARING

506. WAS EITHER SWIMMING OR CRAWLING IN THE OCEAN JUST THIS MORNING.

507. GOT SOME ABALONE.

508. THESE ARE IN ABUNDANCE AROUND THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

509. YOU'RE ALLOWED 10 A DAY.

510. COOKING FOR TONY — IT'S PRETTY INTIMIDATING, ACTUALLY.

511. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY,

512. THIS IS JUST WHAT WE DO IN NEW ZEALAND,

513. AND THIS IS HOW HE LIKES TO SEE IT,

514. JUST IN ITS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT.

515. I'M SURE HE'S GONNA ENJOY IT.

516. WITH THE FIRE BURNING AT THE PERFECT TEMPERATURE,

517. AL IS ADJUSTING THE SEASONING FOR THE SEAFOOD.

518. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE WHEN DOING CHILI PEPPERS IS,

519. IF YOU HAVE TO GO HAVE A SLASH,

520. WASH HANDS PRIOR TO HANDLING PENIS.

521. THAT SLOW, BURNING HEAT THAT JUST STARTS COMING ON...

522. THAT'S A MAGIC MOMENT.

523. AND THERE AIN'T ANYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

524. AND OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO WASH HANDS AFTERWARDS, TOO.

525. AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO STAY —

526. MAYBE PITCH IN AND HELP OUT WITH THE VEGGIES —

527. I FEEL A MOMENT OF QUIET REFLECTION IS IN ORDER.

528. AL, BEING A CHEF, CAN HANDLE THE WORK OF FIVE MERE MORTALS.

529. SO I'LL LEAVE HIM TO IT WHILE I STROLL ON THE BEACH.

530. THE SMELL OF THE PRISTINE NORTHLAND AIR

531. AND THE LATE-AFTERNOON SUN

532. ARE MAKING ME FEEL A BIT CONTEMPLATIVE.

533. OH, NOTHING LIKE A NARROW BRUSH WITH DEATH TO BUILD AN APPETITE.

534. I KNOW I'M HUNGRY.

535. IS THAT WATER BOILED YET?

536. THERE IT IS — THE SCENE

537. OF ONE OF AMERICA'S FAVORITE STUNTS GONE WRONG.

538. TERRIBLY WRONG.

539. I WAS TOLD AFTERWARDS THAT THEY LOSE THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE A YEAR

540. PULLING THAT STUNT.

541. MEANING, LIKE, DEAD.

542. YEAH, LIFE IS GOOD.

543. NARROWLY AVOIDED A SPINE-CRUSHING MISHAP,

544. GOT ONE OF NEW ZEALAND'S FINEST CHEFS

545. GRILLING STUFF UP BACK AT THE HUTCH,

546. ALL THIS INCREDIBLE BEACH GOING ON AROUND ME.

547. OH, YEAH.

548. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS, BUT I'LL TAKE IT.

549. CALL IT CHEFS' INTUITION —

550. OR MY PRODUCER'S NEEDY, HUNGRY, IMPATIENT EXPRESSION

551. BEHIND THE CAMERA —

552. BUT I GET THE FEELING THAT DINNER IS SERVED.

553. SAMPLE A LITTLE ABALONE?

554. OH, MAN, THAT'S AMAZING.

555. OH, THANK YOU.

556. THAT'S ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS, BROTHER.

557. FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT LUCKY ENOUGH

558. TO HAVE TRIED ABALONE BEFORE,

559. IT'S AN EXOTIC AND EXPENSIVE SHELLFISH.

560. AND THE FOOD JUST KEEPS ON COMING.

561. NOW HERE'S SOMETHING GOOD —

562. TUATUA CLAMS SAUTéED IN WHITE WINE AND BUTTER.

563. OH, THIS IS ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE, FAVORITE THINGS.

564. AMAZING.

565. ONE MORE OF THESE.

566. COME ON, LOOK AT THIS SPREAD.

567. THERE'S FRESH VENISON FROM THE HILLS NOT TOO FAR AWAY,

568. ABALONE PRIED OFF THE REEF THIS AFTERNOON,

569. TUATUA CLAMS DUG FROM THE BEACH RIGHT OUT THERE.

570. EVERYTHING I'M EATING WENT TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT

571. WITH NO IDEA THEY'D BE MEETING ME TODAY.

572. OOH! OH

573. LOOK AT THAT. OH, MY GOD.

574. LOBSTER.

575. GIANT.

576. SWEET, SWEET, BUTTERY LOBSTER.

577. OKAY, TECHNICALLY, IT'S A VERY LARGE CRAYFISH, NOT A LOBSTER.

578. THIS IS NO TIME TO GET TECHNICAL.

579. JUST FEED ME.

580. WELL DONE.

581. IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE.

582. MISSING THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE THING.

583. AL'S MANAGED TO TAKE MY MIND OFF WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED,

584. MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED,

585. WITH SOME GREAT FOOD AND SOME GREAT COMPANY.

586. IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THIS

587. THAT MAKE ME WANT TO BURN MY PASSPORT AND NEVER LEAVE.

588. I'M TOLD THAT NO EXPLANATION OF NEW ZEALAND CULTURE

589. WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A VISIT TO A MAORI TRIBE.

590. SO NEXT I'M OFF TO A TRADITIONAL FEAST

591. COOKED IN A RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL WAY.

592. YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.

593. TIME IS RUNNING OUT BEFORE I HAVE TO GO BACK TO CHRISTCHURCH

594. AND FACE THE MUSIC ONE MORE TIME.

595. SO IF I'M GOING TO FIGURE OUT ANYTHING

596. ABOUT THESE NEW ZEALANDERS,

597. I'D BETTER GET ACQUAINTED WITH ORIGINAL —

598. WHICH IS TO SAY MAORI — CULTURE.

599. THEY'VE BEEN LIVING HERE ON THIS LAND

600. FOR OVER A THOUSAND YEARS.

601. ONCE THE DOMINANT RACE IN NEW ZEALAND'S VAST LANDSCAPE,

602. MAORIS NOW COMPRISE A MERE 15% OF THE POPULATION.

603. AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF FORCED ASSIMILATION

604. WITH BRITISH SETTLERS

605. DURING WHICH MUCH OF THEIR CULTURE WAS LOST,

606. THE MAORI HAVE BEGUN TO RECLAIM THEIR RICH HERITAGE,

607. INCLUDING TRADITIONS LIKE THE HANGI —

608. A FEAST THAT MARKS SPECIAL EVENTS IN THEIR LIVES.

609. BUT BEFORE I CAN ENJOY SOME AUTHENTIC MAORI FOOD,

610. I HAVE TO GO THROUGH A POWHIRI —

611. THE TRADITIONAL WELCOME CEREMONY.

612. YOU HAVE TO BE INVITED TO ONE OF THESE

613. BY A MEMBER OF THE TRIBE.

614. AND THIS IS JACKIE. SHE'S MY SPONSOR.

615. THE CEREMONY BEGINS WITH CHANTING BACK AND FORTH

616. BETWEEN THE WELCOMING TRIBE AND THE GUESTS.

617. AS WE PROCEED INTO THE MARAE, THE MEETING PLACE,

618. THE LOCAL SCHOOL KIDS GREET US

619. WITH A TRADITIONAL SONG AND DANCE.

620. MIHI IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE CEREMONY

621. THAT INVOLVES ME GIVING A SPEECH TO MY HOSTS

622. ABOUT MY HISTORY AND WHO I AM

623. SO THEY CAN DETERMINE IF I'M FRIEND OR FOE.

624. I'D BETTER KEEP THIS SHORT.

625. MY NAME IS TONY. I'M FROM NEW YORK CITY.

626. ON DAYS LIKE THIS, WHEN I'VE BEEN INTRODUCED

627. TO A FANTASTIC AND, FOR ME, NEW CULTURE,

628. A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY, FASCINATING TRADITIONS,

629. AND, AGAIN, INCREDIBLE KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY,

630. I CAN ONLY LOOK FORWARD TO MANY MORE DAYS LIKE THIS ONE.

631. WHEW! I MADE IT THROUGH.

632. AND AFTER CHRISTCHURCH, I CAN TELL YOU, I WAS WORRIED.

633. MY CONFIDENCE IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE.

634. NEXT COMES HONGI,

635. THE TRADITIONAL FORM OF MAORI GREETING.

636. IT'S A GENTLE PRESSING OF THE NOSE AND FOREHEAD.

637. GETTING SO CLOSE AND PERSONAL IS STRANGE TO ME —

638. WE DON'T DO THIS IN NEW YORK — BUT I ADAPT.

639. AFTER PRESSING FLESH — LITERALLY —

640. WITH THE ENTIRE ROOM,

641. IT'S TIME FOR ONE MORE PRETTY SONG FROM THE KIDS.

642. AH, CHILDREN — SO SWEET, SO INNOCENT.

643. THESE KIDS LOOK HOSTILE.

644. I SAW THIS SAME LOOK AFTER MY BOMBING AT THE FOOD FESTIVAL.

645. WHOO-HOO.

646. THIS IS SOME CONVINCING STUFF.

647. OKAY, KID, DON'T HURT ME! ALL THIS NAKED AGGRESSION.

648. ALL RIGHT, PROBABLY GOOD PRACTICE

649. FOR MY NEXT PUBLIC APPEARANCE.

650. FORMALITIES OUT OF THE WAY, IT'S TIME FOR THE FOOD.

651. LET'S GET COOKING.

652. TUNA-NOODLE CASSEROLE — I MADE IT MYSELF.

653. YOU DON'T SHOW UP AT A PARTY — ANY PARTY —

654. WITHOUT BRINGING A GIFT.

655. SO I'LL BRING SOME MORE OF THOSE SUPERB ABALONE

656. I HAD AT AL BROWN'S BARBECUE.

657. THE MAORIS CALL THEM PAUA.

658. THESE LITTLE MORSELS ARE SUCH A PRIZE CATCH,

659. DESIRED AS MUCH FOR THEIR DELICIOUS MEAT

660. AS THEY ARE FOR THEIR MOTHER-OF-PEARL SHELLS,

661. THAT THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE TO POACHERS —

662. ONE OF NEW ZEALAND'S MOST EXPENSIVE EXPORTS.

663. FORTUNATELY, THEY'RE SO ABUNDANT HERE

664. THAT YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HARVEST 10 ADULT SHELLS A DAY.

665. HELLO, LADIES.

666. HELLO! HELLO!

667. HANGI KICKS OFF WITH A KITCHEN

668. BUSTLING WITH WOMEN PREPARING ENOUGH FOOD FOR A SMALL ARMY.

669. THERE'S SQUASH, MELON, KUMARA, PUMPKIN, AND BREAD STUFFING.

670. VEGETABLES LIKE POTATOES AND YAMS ARE SOAKED OVERNIGHT

671. AND THEN PEELED RIGHT BEFORE THEY'RE PUT IN THE PIT.

672. I RECOGNIZE THIS GUY.

673. I JUST CAN'T GET AWAY

674. FROM DECAPITATED ANIMALS ON THIS SHOW.

675. I AM SO NOT LANDING THAT SPOKESMODEL JOB WITH PETA.

676. OUTSIDE, THE MEN ARE PREPARING THE FIRE.

677. THIS REALLY IS AN ART FORM.

678. THE FOOD HAS TO BE ORGANIZED IN THE BASKETS

679. SINCE EVERYTHING GETS COOKED FOR THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME.

680. THE PORK, MUTTON, AND VENISON

681. ARE PLACED DIRECTLY ONTO THE ROCKS,

682. WHILE THE CHICKEN IS LAID ON TOP.

683. THEN COMES THE VEGETABLES,

684. WHICH NEED LESS HEAT FROM THE STONES.

685. SOAKED CLOTH IS LAID OVER THE FOOD,

686. AND THE WHOLE THING IS BURIED

687. AND ALLOWED TO COOK FOR SEVERAL HOURS.

688. IT'S NOT LIKE McDONALD'S.

689. YOU JUST CAN'T GO IN AND JUST DO IT.

690. AS THE FOOD SLOW COOKS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE,

691. I HAVE SOME TIME TO KILL.

692. PERHAPS I'LL CHECK OFF

693. ANOTHER NEW ZEALAND TRADITION FROM MY LIST

694. AND TRY TO LEARN TO SURF IN TWO HOURS.

695. WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO — YOU'RE JUST GONNA LAY DOWN.

696. RIGHT.

697. AND THEN JUST PADDLE. RIGHT.

698. THIS IS GARY.

699. HE SURFS FOR A LIVING AND TEACHES OTHERS TO DO THE SAME.

700. SO JUST TRY THAT.

701. THIS LOOKS EASY.

702. JUST PADDLE AROUND, THEN STAND UP, RIGHT?

703. TIME TO RIDE THE WILD SURF.

704. YEAH!

705. OH, JOY. I ACTUALLY SURFED FOR A FULL 10 FEET.

706. NEXT STOP — THE HAWAII BIG-WAVE CONTEST.

707. THIS IS A SPORT I'M GONNA HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING FOR.

708. I FEEL LIKE THE AIR HAS BEEN SQUEEZED OUT OF MY CHEST.

709. RECENT STUDIES CONFIRMED —

710. LAB RATS WHO USE TOBACCO PRODUCTS

711. ARE LESS LIKELY TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL SURFERS.

712. LOOK UP "SURFER" IN THE DICTIONARY,

713. AND IT SAYS, "NOT YOU, BOURDAIN."

714. ALL RIGHT, SO I SUCK AT SURFING.

715. AND I SUCK AT PUBLIC SPEAKING.

716. I'M THE EPICENTER OF SUCKITUDE.

717. AT LEAST THERE'S A NICE DINNER WAITING FOR ME

718. BACK AT THE MARAE.

719. AT LONG LAST — TIME TO DIG UP DINNER.

720. THAT SOUNDS FUNNY SOMEHOW, DOESN'T IT?

721. THE MEAT AND VEGETABLES HAVE BEEN STEAMING

722. IN AN UNDER-THE-EARTH PRESSURE COOKER

723. WITH THE BURLAP KEEPING IN THE MOISTURE AND THE DIRT OUT.

724. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD-LOOKING.

725. NOT TOO SHABBY FOR A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

726. OHH!

727. CAREFUL THERE, MY MAN.

728. MY HANDS ARE STILL FAIRLY ROUGH FROM THE OLD DAYS.

729. YOU'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

730. MAORIS HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE CAN REMEMBER.

731. YOU WERE IN TOWN?

732. JUST WATCHED.

733. JUST WATCHED, LOOKED, AND LEARNED.

734. NOW ALL THAT DELICIOUS SLOW-COOKED MEAT

735. MAKES ITS WAY BACK TO THE KITCHEN,

736. WHERE THE WOMEN FALL ON IT LIKE JOURNALISTS AT A FREE BUFFET.

737. THERE'S ABOUT 16 KINDS OF MEAT, A BOATLOAD OF VEGETABLES,

738. WITH EVERYTHING COOKED JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

739. THE HANGI EMBODIES MUCH OF WHAT I LIKE

740. ABOUT THE UNPRETENTIOUS KIWI LIFESTYLE —

741. SIMPLE FOOD LACKING PRETENSION, GOOD COMPANY, PLENTY OF BEER.

742. THE WHOLE VILLAGE TURNS OUT WITH APPETITES IN TOW.

743. TIME FOR ALL THAT HARD WORK TO BE REWARDED.

744. THAT'S GOOD.

745. THIS IS LIKE THANKSGIVING ON STEROIDS.

746. AND IF THE FEAST WASN'T ENOUGH, NOW IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS.

747. JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU TO HAVE.

748. OF COURSE, IT'S A TRADITIONAL PAIR OF SOCKS.

749. SO YOU'LL NEVER FORGET US.

750. SOCKS AND A PURSE.

751. I MEAN, I'VE BEEN TOLD I NEED TO ACCESSORIZE,

752. BUT I'M CONFUSED.

753. NOW A SPEECH FROM ONE OF THE MEN.

754. I HOPE I'VE MADE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

755. I JUST CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER REJECTION, NOT NOW.

756. YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME BACK TO THIS MARAE ANYTIME YOU LIKE.

757. THIS MARAE IS PART OF YOUR HOME NOW.

758. THEY DON'T HATE ME! I'M WELCOME BACK!

759. I HOPE THERE WAS SOME SMALL IMPROVEMENT OF MY UNDERSTANDING

760. OF WHAT NEW ZEALAND'S CULTURE IS ABOUT,

761. THAT I WON'T MAKE A TOTAL BOTCH OF MY NEXT LECTURE.

762. IT'S VERY SPECIAL TO FIND SOMETHING LIKE THIS

763. IN TODAY'S COMMERCIALIZED, INDUSTRIALIZED WORLD —

764. GOOD PEOPLE LIVING TOGETHER AS A COMMUNITY,

765. KEEPING THEIR TRADITIONS PROUDLY AND VIBRANTLY ALIVE.

766. AND AS SO OFTEN HAPPENS,

767. A CENTRAL COMPONENT IS GOOD FOOD.

768. AFTER THE BREAK, I'M OFF TO SOME LAST-MINUTE SIGHT-SEEING,

769. MAYBE EAT SOME ROADKILL.

770. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

771. TIME IS RUNNING SHORT

772. BEFORE I HAVE TO RETURN TO WHAT WILL LIKELY BE

773. MY SACRIFICIAL SLAUGHTER IN CHRISTCHURCH —

774. MY FINAL LECTURE.

775. AND I'M NERVOUS. I FEEL DOOMED.

776. GOOD TIME FOR A LOOK AT THE COUNTRY FROM HIGHER GROUND.

777. SO I HOP ON THE QUICKEST FORM OF REGIONAL TRANSPORT.

778. I'M OFF TO FOX GLACIER

779. ON THE WEST COAST OF NEW ZEALAND'S SOUTH ISLAND.

780. IT'S THE COUNTRY'S LARGEST GLACIER,

781. ABOUT 270 MILES WEST OF CHRISTCHURCH.

782. LOOKING AT ALL THIS ICE, IT MAKES ME WANT A COCKTAIL.

783. NOW IT'S UP TO THE ICE FLOE WITH MY GUIDE, ABEL,

784. A LOCAL EXPERT.

785. WHAT HAPPENS HERE IN THE MOUNTAINS OF NEW ZEALAND,

786. WE GET HUGE VOLUMES OF SNOW FALLING —

787. UP TO ABOUT 60 METERS OF SNOWFALL

788. ON THE TOPS OF THE MOUNTAINS EACH YEAR.

789. NOW, I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING ABOUT NEW ZEALAND —

790. BUT THIS?

791. UNTIL YOU END UP WITH HUGE LAKES OF ICE

792. ALONG THE TOPS OF THE MOUNTAINS.

793. THIS IS ALL ICE. LOTS AND LOTS OF ICE.

794. WE'RE GONNA GO AND EXPLORE A LITTLE ICE CAVE

795. WHERE A RIVER HAS FLOWED THROUGH THE ICE

796. AND HAS CARVED A NICE, LONG, BLUE TUNNEL THROUGH THE GLACIER.

797. AND WE'RE GONNA GO AND SEE

798. IF WE CAN GO SQUEEZE ANTHONY THROUGH IT, IS THE IDEA.

799. I DON'T KNOW THAT I LIKE THE WORD "SQUEEZE."

800. TIME TO STRAP ON AND MAKE LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING... AGAIN.

801. KEEP YOUR FEET EITHER SIDE OF THE WATER.

802. SO, JUST NICE AND WIDE.

803. GOOD THING I BROUGHT ALONG PROPER FOOTWEAR.

804. THAT'S SO IMPORTANT.

805. THE DEPTH OF THE ICE HERE UNDERNEATH US

806. IS ABOUT 400 METERS DEEP.

807. AND THIS LITTLE CREVASSE THAT'S FILLED UP WITH WATER

808. PROBABLY ONLY GOES DOWN ABOUT 30 METERS INTO THE ICE.

809. OH, ONLY 30 METERS? I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.

810. THIS ICE CAVE DOESN'T LOOK VERY BIG OR VERY SOLID —

811. MORE OF AN ICE PIPE.

812. DID I MENTION I FREAK OUT IN SMALL, CONFINED SPACES?

813. I WANT OUT OF THIS THING.

814. CRIKEY, YOU WOULDN'T WANT IT TO BE ANY NARROWER THAN THAT.

815. OH, YEAH.

816. OH! GOOD CAVE FOR A TALL GUY.

817. OH, THE IRONY — ALL THIS ICE AND NO VODKA, NO GIN.

818. NOT EVEN ANY VERMOUTH.

819. OH, BARKEEP?

820. NO PUTTING IT OFF. TIME GROWS SHORT.

821. JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR A SNACK,

822. MAYBE A LAST MINUTE WORKING ON A HEALTHY GLOW.

823. IT'S SO IMPORTANT AS A TV HOST

824. TO HAVE A REFLECTIVE DEVICE LYING AROUND

825. TO GET THAT OWEN WILSON, "BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION" LOOK

826. THAT AUDIENCES SEEM TO LIKE.

827. OKAY, I'M SORRY. I DIGRESS.

828. DID I MENTION HOW KIWIS LOVE THEIR MEAT PIES,

829. INCLUDING POSSUM?

830. THIS IS ENDING WELL.

831. INCREDIBLE MOUNTAINTOP.

832. GOOD, COLD KIWI BEER.

833. AND A POSSUM PIE.

834. MMM. POSSUMY.

835. I'LL TELL YOU — FOR ROADKILL, IT'S NOT BAD.

836. FOCUS, TONY.

837. DID I LEARN ANYTHING ON THIS TRIP

838. THAT'LL HELP ME BACK IN CHRISTCHURCH?

839. HAS THIS JAUNT, HOWEVER FUN, SERVED ANY PURPOSE?

840. WHAT DO KIWIS LIKE?

841. I'VE GAINED SOME GREAT MEMORIES AND MET SOME WONDERFUL PEOPLE,

842. BUT WILL IT HELP?

843. I'VE WITNESSED THE KILLING OF A NOBLE BEAST,

844. THEN FOUND OUT HOW DELICIOUS IT TASTED.

845. I WAS NEARLY CRUSHED IN A QUAD ACCIDENT

846. ON THE WAY TO A BARBECUE.

847. I'VE BEEN WELCOMED BY A MAORI TRIBE AND TREATED TO A FEAST.

848. NOW I'VE SEEN WHY THEY SHOOT SO MANY FILMS HERE.

849. BUT, GOD, I NEED SOME "A" MATERIAL,

850. I NEED REDEMPTION —

851. OR I'LL END UP DOING A REALITY SHOW

852. OR SELLING MEATBALLS ON QVC.

853. WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S SHOWTIME,

854. AND I'M SCARED STIFF.

855. IT'S THE FINAL ROUND IN CHRISTCHURCH —

856. MY SECOND AND LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION,

857. BAIL OUT MY FLAGGING REPUTATION.

858. FIRST ATTEMPT ENDED IN UTTER DISGRACE.

859. SO AM I A WRITER? A TV GUY?

860. A COOK, CHEF?

861. IF THERE'S ONE THING I LEARNED THIS LAST WEEK,

862. IT'S THAT THERE'S A WIDE, BEAUTIFUL WORLD OUT THERE.

863. THERE'S LIFE BEYOND THE DOG-AND-PONY SHOW

864. OF BOOK TOUR AND SELF-PROMOTION.

865. BEING ABLE TO GET TO KNOW OTHER PEOPLE, TO SEE HOW THEY LIVE,

866. TO EAT THEIR FOOD.

867. IT'S A PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOR.

868. AS THE CROWD ENTERS THE AUDITORIUM,

869. I'M IN A COLD, DETACHED PLACE.

870. THE HELL WITH IT —

871. I'LL JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT'S ON MY MIND,

872. MAYBE SAY SOMETHING I ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN,

873. THAT I HAVEN'T SAID AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

874. NO MORE SCHTICK.

875. NO MORE BEATING UP ON POOR JAMIE OLIVER.

876. IT'S THE KINDER, GENTLER ME.

877. I'M ANGRY ABOUT SOMETHING.

878. I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE MY RAGE AND DISMAY WITH YOU.

879. I WOULD LIKE TO READ FROM THE MOST EVIL DOCUMENT PUBLISHED

880. PERHAPS SINCE "MEIN KAMPF."

881. IT'S CHARLIE TROTTER AND ROXANNE KLEIN'S BOOK "RAW."

882. COME ON, GUYS, STAY WITH ME. I'VE GOT A POINT.

883. NOW, HERE'S A COOKBOOK ABOUT UNCOOKED FOOD.

884. THAT SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST CLUE.

885. AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,

886. IT'S BASED ON THE PHILOSOPHY OF WOODY HARRELSON,

887. A KNUCKLEHEAD ACTOR WHO'S ADVOCATING A LIFESTYLE

888. DEVOID OF CURIOSITY.

889. IT'S LIKE TAKING FASHION ADVICE FROM JOHN ASHCROFT.

890. PICTURE THIS, IF YOU WILL. HERE'S WOODY HARRELSON.

891. HE'S SITTING IN THAILAND,

892. THIS CULTURE SO MUCH OLDER

893. AND MORE SOPHISTICATED AND DIVERSE

894. THAN HIS OWN LITTLE POCKET OF HELL IN CALIFORNIA.

895. WOODY, HOWEVER, CAN SIT THERE,

896. COMFORTABLE IN HIS SECURE KNOWLEDGE OF HIS RIGHTNESS,

897. HIS CLEAN COLON, AND THE PURITY OF HIS SYSTEM,

898. IN NO WAY COMPELLED TO SAMPLE ANY OF THE FOOD AROUND HIM.

899. WOW. THIS ACTUALLY SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

900. I THINK I'M ACTUALLY INSPIRING PEOPLE

901. TO BE A LITTLE MORE COURAGEOUS.

902. MY TIME HERE IN NEW ZEALAND HAS BEEN THE PERFECT EXAMPLE

903. OF HOW THE WORLD CAN BE A BIG, SCARY, DANGEROUS,

904. ALMOST ALWAYS FABULOUS PLACE,

905. FILLED WITH WONDERFUL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE.

906. AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEE ANY OF IT IF YOU PULL A WOODY

907. AND AREN'T WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE.

908. IS HE ANY BETTER

909. THAN THE CLASSIC UGLY-SHORTS AMERICAN TOURIST

910. WHO REFUSES TO LEAVE THE HILTON DINING ROOM

911. TO EAT ANYWHERE WHEN ON VACATION?

912. YOU KNOW, "I'LL HAVE THE CLUB SANDWICH.

913. I MIGHT GET SICK."

914. IT'S JUST HORRIFYING — THIS LACK OF CURIOSITY.

915. OKAY, SO I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST.

916. AM I SURVIVING THIS? I THINK SO.

917. GEE, MAYBE HARRELSON IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

918. WHO KNEW THE ADORABLE SIMPLETON BARTENDER FROM "CHEERS"

919. WAS SO WELL-KNOWN?

920. THIS IS WORKING OUT.

921. NEW ZEALAND'S GREAT. THIS HAS BEEN GOOD FOR ME.

922. YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE LEARNED SOME VALUABLE LESSONS HERE,

923. SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS PLACE.

924. NEXT SHOW, I NEED A BIGGER TRAILER.

925. AND THE THREAD COUNT ON MY HOTEL SHEETS —

926. I GOT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THAT.

927. NO MORE RED M&M's FOR THIS BOY, BABY.

928. NO, SIREE. I'M BACK!

929. ACTION.

930. I SAID, "THE LIGHTER," RETARD.

931. LET'S DO IT AGAIN. I CAN'T CALL YOU "RETARD." YEAH.

932. NOW WE ALL GET TO BE ON MTV. WELL, OKAY, NOT MTV.

933. SOME OTHER LAME SHOW.

934. SO, DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHO THAT GUY IS?

935. NO. HE'S ON — HE'S A CHEF, AIN'T HE?

936. WHAT ELSE AM I SAYING?

937. "THAT'S A DAMN GOOD POSSUM PIE, I CAN TELL YOU!"

938. I MEAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SUMMING UP, RIGHT?

939. IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE AND NOT CRAPPING IN A BAG.