Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations 1x8

1. HI, TONY.

2. BE CAREFUL THIS TIME.

3. SOMETHING SERIOUS IS GOING TO HAPPEN?

4. BE CAREFUL.

5. SO, HOW'S THE WEATHER IN MOSCOW?

6. MUCH COOLER THAN IN NEW YORK CITY.

7. ACTUALLY, WELCOME TO UZBEKISTAN —

8. THE WILD, WILD EAST.

9. SEE YOU TONIGHT.

10. CIAO.

11. NO RESERVATIONS... NO RESERVATIONS.

12. I'M ANTHONY BOURDAIN.

13. I WRITE.

14. I TRAVEL.

15. I EAT.

16. AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.

17. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS, INC.

18. ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY IN THE POOL.

19. OH, WE GOT SHOWBOATS.

20. UZBEKISTAN, AT VARIOUS POINTS IN HISTORY,

21. HAS BEEN CONQUERED BY, OH, LET'S SEE —

22. THE TURKS, THE MONGOLS, THE RUSSIANS.

23. THERE HAVE BEEN ARABS THROUGH HERE, PERSIANS, INDIANS.

24. AND YOU CAN KIND OF SEE ALL OF THAT

25. IN THE FACES OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

26. IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING,

27. AND YOU'LL SEE THAT IN THE FOOD, AS WELL.

28. THIS PLACE HAS QUITE A HISTORY.

29. UZBEKISTAN WAS, IN THE 14th CENTURY,

30. HOME TO ONE OF THE GREATEST WARRIOR-STATESMEN

31. THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN — TAMERLANE THE GREAT,

32. KNOWN HERE AS EMIR TIMUR, WHO CONQUERED MUCH OF CENTRAL ASIA

33. AND MADE SAMARQAND ITS CAPITAL

34. DUE TO ITS STRATEGIC POSITION ALONG THE GREAT SILK ROAD

35. CONNECTING CHINA TO AFRICA AND EUROPE.

36. SO, THIS IS THE OLD CITY.

37. TASHKENT IS ABOUT 2,000-PLUS YEARS OLD,

38. AND MOST OF THIS CITY, EXCEPT FOR THIS AREA,

39. WAS DESTROYED IN '66 IN AN EARTHQUAKE.

40. WHAT REMAINED WAS BUILT IN SINISTER,

41. SOVIET, SOCIAL REALIST STYLE,

42. SO SOME OF YOUR MOST UGLY-ASS ARCHITECTURE

43. IN THE WORLD IS HERE, AS WELL AS SOME OF THE MOST ANCIENT.

44. THOUGH A FORMER REPUBLIC OF THE SOVIET UNION,

45. UZBEKISTAN NOMINALLY GAINED ITS INDEPENDENCE IN 1991,

46. THOUGH THE SAME CROWD ARE PRETTY MUCH IN POWER.

47. IT'S A HEADY MIX OF PEOPLE,

48. CULTURES, ETHNICITIES, AND ARCHITECTURE.

49. MINISTRY OF CRUSHING BUREAUCRACY NUMBER 29

50. NEXT TO A CENTURIES-OLD MOSQUE.

51. SO, WHAT AM I DOING IN TASHKENT?

52. IN UZBEKISTAN,

53. THE PLACE OUR GOVERNMENT SENDS PEOPLE TO DISAPPEAR?

54. WELL, I'M HERE TO ATTEND A MUSLIM WEDDING CEREMONY

55. IN A CULTURE I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

56. BUT MY INSATIABLE CURIOSITY FOR NEW EXPERIENCES

57. ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S BROUGHT ME HERE.

58. MY OLD RUSSIAN PAL ZAMIR,

59. WHO I MET A WHILE BACK ON ONE OF MY TRIPS TO MOSCOW,

60. HAS INVITED ME TO THIS FARAWAY COUNTRY.

61. IT'S FRIENDS OF FRIENDS OF ZAMIR'S

62. THAT ARE GETTING MARRIED.

63. AND ALTHOUGH I'M INTERESTED IN SEEING THE DIFFERENCES

64. BETWEEN THIS CULTURE AND MY OWN,

65. WITH ZAMIR ALONG, I'M ALSO SURE I'LL HAVE

66. MORE THAN A FEW MISADVENTURES TO ADD TO MY REPERTOIRE.

67. IS IT ASIAN? IS IT MIDDLE EASTERN?

68. USED TO BE RUSSIAN?

69. IT'S ALL OF THE ABOVE.

70. THIS IS TASHKENT, THE CAPITAL CITY OF UZBEKISTAN,

71. WHERE ABOUT 2.9 MILLION PEOPLE MAKE THEIR HOME,

72. AND I KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

73. GOOD THING I'VE GOT A FRIEND ON THE INSIDE

74. TO HELP SORT IT ALL OUT.

75. I'M MEETING HIM AT CHIGHATOY,

76. A RESTAURANT WHERE WE CAN FIND SOME TYPICAL UZBEKISTANI FOOD.

77. HI, TONY.

78. HOW ARE YOU DOING, ZAMIR?

79. WELCOME. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

80. OH, AND YOU HAVE MY DRINK OF CHOICE ALREADY.

81. ZAMIR, LIKE ALL MY CLOSE FRIENDS,

82. KNOWS HOW TO MAKE ME FEEL RIGHT AT HOME —

83. WITH THE SMOOTH, CLEAN TASTE OF BEER.

84. OKAY, SO, LET'S SEE. WHAT ARE THEY GOOD AT HERE?

85. WELL, WE CAN'T START THE MEAL

86. WITHOUT TRYING THE LOCAL LEPESHKA BREAD.

87. BREAD'S SACRED IN THESE PARTS. IT IS.

88. IT'S LIKE THE BASIC FOOD WHICH PEOPLE CHERISH,

89. AND IT SHOULDN'T BE WASTED.

90. THIS IS AN ESSENTIAL ELEMENT AT ANY MEAL.

91. EVERY REGION IN THIS COUNTRY

92. PROUDLY BAKES THEIR OWN DISTINCT VERSION

93. OF THIS CLAY-OVEN BREAD.

94. SO, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME ON THIS UZBEKI ADVENTURE?

95. WELL, IT'S GONNA BE AN INTERESTING CONNECTION.

96. IT WILL BE A WEDDING IN SAMARQAND.

97. THAT'S THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRIP.

98. BEFORE ZAMIR CAN EXPOUND ON OUR PLANNED TRIP ANY FURTHER,

99. THE FOOD BEGINS TO ARRIVE.

100. NOODLE SOUP FIRST, AND RIGHT AWAY

101. YOU CAN SEE THE INFLUENCE OF A NEIGHBOR SLIGHTLY TO THE EAST.

102. THIS IS KIND OF A CHINESE THING GOING ON HERE.

103. CLEARLY ANYWHERE WHERE YOU SEE NOODLES,

104. ESPECIALLY LIKE THESE — THESE ARE CELLOPHANE NOODLES —

105. CLEARLY SOMEBODY FROM FURTHER EAST THAN HERE HAS BEEN THROUGH

106. OR SOMEBODY FROM HERE HAS BEEN THERE AND BACK.

107. THE SILK ROAD WAS THE WAY FOR THE EUROPEAN GOODS

108. TO TRAVEL TO THE ASIAN COUNTRIES AND WEST OF US, VICE VERSA.

109. THE EUROPEANS DID BETTER OUT OF THE DEAL FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

110. WE GOT SPICES, SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY,

111. ASTRONOMY, SILK, MEDICINE.

112. WHAT DO WE SEND BACK?

113. OPIUM AND SYPHILIS.

114. HISTORY OF THE NATION AND ITS INFLUENCES ALL IN ONE MEAL.

115. CHINA, INDIA, RUSSIA, AND THE MIDDLE EAST —

116. INVADERS FROM THE EAST, WEST, NORTH, AND SOUTH —

117. ALL OF WHOM HAVE SHAPED THIS REGION

118. OVER THE LAST 2,000 YEARS.

119. OH, LOOK AT THAT. A LITTLE LAMB CHOP.

120. TANDOORI LAMB CHOPS.

121. DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO CHANGE THE NAME

122. IN ABSORBING AN INDIAN CLASSIC.

123. OH, NICE. CHICKEN COURSE.

124. AM I GONNA BE EATING WELL THIS ENTIRE TRIP?

125. WELL, I NEED TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

126. FROM THE BUSTLING KITCHEN COMES THE RICH AND DELICIOUS AROMA

127. OF ANOTHER UZBEK STANDARD,

128. THIS TIME OF MIDDLE-EASTERN ORIGIN —

129. KABOB, BUT JUST BARBECUED MEAT.

130. IN THIS CASE, LAMB.

131. OH, YEAH, THAT LOOKS GOOD.

132. THAT'S THE SHASHLIK.

133. SOME PEOPLE CALL IT KABOB.

134. HOW IS IT — GOOD?

135. GOOD.

136. SO, YOU HAVE A SURPRISE FOR ME LATER.

137. I HAVE MANY SURPRISES DOWN THE ROAD.

138. YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS?

139. NO, THERE WON'T BE A DULL MOMENT DURING THIS TRIP.

140. NOW, I THINK I'VE DONE MY PART

141. BY TRAVELING HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD

142. TO SEE HIM AND ATTEND THIS WEDDING.

143. THE LEAST HE COULD DO IS GIVE ME SOME MORE INFORMATION

144. SO I DON'T COME OFF LIKE A TOTAL IGNORAMUS.

145. MAYBE ZAMIR WILL TALK MORE AFTER A FEW MORE DRINKS.

146. TONY, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S LEARN THE WORD "FUSION."

147. THAT'S WHERE THE EAST MEETS THE WEST.

148. I KNOW THE WORD "FUSION." I DON'T LIKE IT.

149. LATANAS, IN THE CENTER OF TOWN,

150. IS A PLACE WHERE LOCALS ENJOY TRADITIONAL MUSIC

151. AND TRADITIONAL BELLY DANCING.

152. OR DO THEY?

153. WE'RE SO FAR FROM HOME,

154. I'M REMINDED A LOT OF STATEN ISLAND.

155. THIS CAN'T BE THE RIGHT PLACE. ZAMIR?

156. UH... OKAY.

157. APPARENTLY THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD IN MIND.

158. HIS FAVORITE BELLY DANCING CLUB THIS SIDE OF THE CASPIAN

159. IS WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO LEARN ABOUT FUSION.

160. ALL RIGHT. THE RUSSIAN TONY MANERO

161. IS OBVIOUSLY GOING NOWHERE ANYTIME SOON.

162. I THINK I'LL BE HAVING NOVELTY COCKTAILS.

163. THIS SCENE JUST CALLS FOR IT, DOESN'T IT?

164. ZAMIR, THIS IS NOT TRADITIONAL BELLY DANCING, IS IT?

165. ZAMIR, WHITE MAN'S OVERBITE IS NOT A DANCE STEP, DUDE.

166. OH, JESUS, I NEED A DRINK.

167. I'M GOING TO HAVE "A KISS OF JAMAICA" COCKTAIL.

168. SO, MY FIRST NIGHT IN TASHKENT,

169. I'M DRINKING NOVELTY JAMAICAN COCKTAILS

170. SERVED TO ME BY KOREAN WAITERS

171. WITH A RUSSIAN WHO'S DRINKING VODKA AND JUICE

172. IN A SORT OF VAGUELY

173. RUSSIAN-FOLK-ARAB-MIDDLE EASTERN-TURKISH DISCO, NEW WAVE,

174. AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

175. YOU KNOW THIS SONG.

176. RUSSIAN. THEY RECOGNIZE ME, I GUESS.

177. TONY, WELCOME TO UZBEKISTAN.

178. I HOPE WHAT ZAMIR HAS PLANNED FOR MY ITINERARY

179. ISN'T A WEEKLONG TOUR

180. OF UZBEKISTAN'S HOTTEST BELLY DANCING KARAOKE CLUBS.

181. OKAY, COSTUME CHANGE.

182. I'LL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS LULL IN THE ENTERTAINMENT

183. TO MAYBE SQUEEZE OUT A LITTLE INFORMATION ON THIS WEDDING

184. I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO.

185. SO, WHERE IS IT — SAMARQAND?

186. IT'S ABOUT A 4-HOUR DRIVE FROM TASHKENT,

187. AND IT WILL BE THE WEDDING OF MY FRIENDS IN SAMARQAND,

188. WHO I AM GONNA INTRODUCE TO YOU.

189. WE GOT TO BRING A GIFT?

190. WE'LL HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING VERY ORIGINAL, THOUGH.

191. I THINK WE SHOULD DRINK MORE BEFORE WE CONSIDER THAT.

192. LET'S NOT GET VERY SERIOUS ON THE FIRST NIGHT.

193. THIS TRIP HASN'T EXACTLY STARTED OFF AS PLANNED.

194. WHAT'S NEXT? HELL IF I KNOW.

195. AFTER A NIGHT OF BELLY DANCING MEETS THE "SOLID GOLD" DANCERS

196. AND WAY TOO MANY CENTRAL ASIAN TROPICAL-GIRL DRINKS,

197. I'VE ASKED ZAMIR TO SHOW ME SOMETHING GENUINELY INDIGENOUS.

198. SO IT'S OFF FOR CHAI — THE UZBEK TERM FOR "TEA" —

199. THE RITUAL DRINKING OF WHICH IS OBSERVED SEVERAL TIMES DAILY.

200. THIS IS US OVER HERE? THIS IS OUR CHAIKHANA.

201. "CHAIKHANA" MEANS "TEAROOM,"

202. GIVING UZBEK MEN ALL OVER THE CHANCE

203. TO SIT DOWN, RELAX, GOSSIP, AND DRINK TEA.

204. THE IDEA OF A CHAIKHANA IS TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH SHADE

205. AS POSSIBLE SO THAT YOU COULD LIE DOWN.

206. SO, I COULD JUST SORT OF NOD OUT HERE

207. AND THAT WOULD NOT BE INAPPROPRIATE?

208. NO.

209. THE TEA RITUAL IS PRETTY FORMALIZED HERE, AS YOU'LL SEE.

210. WITNESS THE MAJESTY.

211. ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

212. LET ME SHOW YOU.

213. ZAMIR SHOWS ME THE PROPER WAY TO POUR —

214. THREE TIMES IN AND OUT OF THE POT

215. IN CUPS FILLED ONLY HALFWAY UP.

216. TRY TO POUR NOT MORE THAN HALF OF IT

217. SO THAT THE GUEST FEELS HE IS ALWAYS WELCOME FOR A REFILL.

218. A FULL CUP IS A NO-NO.

219. IT IMPLIES YOU WANT YOUR GUEST TO GULP IT DOWN AND GET OUT.

220. HALFWAY MEANS YOU'RE WELCOME TO STICK AROUND

221. FOR AS MANY REFILLS AS YOU LIKE.

222. WELL, I THINK IN CHAIKHANA IT'S A MAN'S WORLD.

223. YOU WON'T SEE ANY WOMEN.

224. WOMEN ARE MEANT TO WORK

225. AND TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN AND FAMILIES.

226. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME IN PUBLIC, RELAXING.

227. LET'S CALL IT WHAT IT IS.

228. WOMEN ARE PRETTY MUCH TREATED LIKE PACK MULES

229. IN THIS COUNTRY.

230. SOMEBODY'S DOING ALL THE WORK

231. WHILE THE GUYS LOUNGE AROUND IN CHAIKHANAS.

232. GUESS WHO?

233. NOTE TO WOMEN TRAVELERS —

234. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE MOST WOMEN-FRIENDLY CULTURES

235. OF THE WORLD.

236. SINCE A RUSSIAN AND AN AMERICAN VISITING THIS RURAL CHAIKHANA

237. IS SOMETHING OF AN EVENT HERE,

238. WE THOUGHT IT GOOD MANNERS TO INVITE THE VILLAGE ELDERS.

239. NOW WE'LL SEE THE REAL TRADITIONS,

240. HOW PEOPLE SOCIALIZE, DRINK, EAT, IN WHAT SEQUENCE.

241. THE PROPRIETOR JOINS THE TABLE IN PRAYER BEFORE PARTAKING.

242. JUST LIKE SAYING GRACE,

243. WITH A WELCOME INVOCATION FOR THE GUESTS, AS WELL.

244. MY LIMITED UZBEK.

245. WE ARE WELCOME TO JOIN THE COMMUNITY OF PARKENT

246. AS SPECIAL GUESTS.

247. THIS IS A CULTURE AND A RELIGION NOT MY OWN.

248. IT'S NOT MY WORLD,

249. BUT I'M GRATEFUL FOR THIS CLOSER LOOK AT IT.

250. IT'S HARD NOT BEING FASCINATED BY THIS PLACE,

251. AND I WANT TO SEE MORE.

252. SO, YOU WERE TELLING ME THAT AT UZBEK WEDDINGS

253. THERE IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT ACTS OF PHYSICAL COMPETITION,

254. WRESTLING, AND SOME SPORT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF MIGHT OCCUR?

255. UZBEKS ARE VERY COMPETITIVE FOLKS.

256. SO MAYBE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE

257. WE SHOULD LEARN HOW TO PRACTICE SOME OF THE KURASH.

258. SO, I NOT ONLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT PRESENTS.

259. I GOT TO THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF AN ASS KICKING?

260. THAT'S A STRONG POSSIBILITY, TONY.

261. KURASH ORIGINATED IN UZBEKISTAN

262. AND HAS BEEN AROUND FOR MORE THAN THREE MILLENNIUMS.

263. AN INDIGENOUS MARTIAL ARTS FORM MUCH LIKE JUDO OR KARATE

264. WITHOUT THE EYE GOUGING AND GROIN STOMPING,

265. WHICH, OF COURSE, LEAVES ME AT A DISADVANTAGE.

266. LOOKS LIKE THE FUTURE OF UZBEKISTAN

267. IS IN SAFE HANDS, TONY.

268. AS LONG AS YOU'RE WEARING BAGGY CLOTHES.

269. WELL, YOU'RE TALKING TO ONE OF NORTH JERSEY'S

270. GREAT SUCKER-PUNCHERS,

271. SO ANY ROWDY WEDDING GUESTS BETTER THINK TWICE.

272. I GOT NO ETHICAL PROBLEMS PLANTING MY FOOT

273. IN THE FAMILY JEWELS FIRST AND ASKING QUESTIONS LATER.

274. NATURALLY ZAMIR VOLUNTEERS ME FOR A DEMONSTRATION.

275. SURE, LET YOURSELF GET TOSSED AROUND LIKE A DISHRAG

276. BY A GUY HALF YOUR SIZE

277. IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF CHEERING KIDS.

278. WHY NOT?

279. READY TO GET MY ASS KICKED... AGAIN.

280. HE'LL JUST SHOW YOU WHAT IT'S LIKE.

281. HE WON'T GIVE YOU ANY TOUGH KICKS OR ANYTHING.

282. I DIDN'T PAY HIM TO KICK THE OUT OF YOU.

283. OKAY.

284. DON'T WORRY, ZAMIR.

285. I'M REASONABLY SURE I CAN TAKE SHRIMP TOAST HERE DOWN.

286. I MEAN, HE'S ONLY FOUR FEET TALL.

287. ONE ELBOW TO THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE AND FINITO LA MUSICA.

288. BE POLITE.

289. NO GROIN GRABBING, NO RABBIT PUNCHES,

290. NO BROKEN BONES.

291. WHOO!

292. NO RESERVATIONS... NO RESERVATIONS!

293. CAN IT, ZAMIR. THIS IS MY TIME TO OPEN A CAN OF WHOOPASS.

294. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT

295. WHEN YOU'RE BIGGER THAN SOMEBODY ELSE?

296. THE TOP-NOTCH LEVEL STARTS NOW, LIKE BLACK BELT IN KURASH.

297. OH, MY GOD.

298. TONY, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

299. OKAY, I THINK ZAMIR IS FINALLY MAKING SOME SENSE.

300. I BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE A BUNCH OF IRATE 6-YEAR-OLDS

301. DECIDE TO GANG UP ON ME.

302. BOW TO TEACHER AND OUT THE DOOR.

303. OUR NEXT STEP IS A MOSQUE FOR FRIDAY AFTERNOON SERVICE,

304. AN ACTIVITY FOR WHICH I'VE GOT A LOT MORE RESPECT

305. AND INCLINATION TO BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY.

306. THERE'S BEEN A RATHER SLOW, CAREFULLY REGULATED RESURGENCE

307. OF DEVOTION HERE AS THE STATE WAS,

308. BY MANDATE, OFFICIALLY GODLESS ONLY 15 YEARS AGO.

309. AHKROR, A LOCAL MAN, IS GONNA WALK ME AND ZAMIR

310. THROUGH SOME OF THE FINER POINTS.

311. FRIDAY NIGHT MASS, WHICH IS THE NAME OF THE LOCAL PRAY,

312. IS THE MOST SACRED ONE.

313. THE OLDEST MEN GO INSIDE THE MOSQUE.

314. THE YOUNGER GENERATION STAY OUTSIDE AND WILL PRAY.

315. AND WOMEN WILL BE INSIDE THE OFFICE OF THE MOSQUE.

316. AGAIN, THE SEGREGATION OF THE SEXES.

317. THAT'S THE WAY IT IS HERE,

318. WHETHER IN THE CHAIKHANA OR THE MOSQUE.

319. THIS IS ABOUT AS FAR AWAY FROM MY OWN BELIEFS,

320. MY OWN INCLINATIONS, MY OWN NATURE AS ANYTHING COULD GET.

321. YOU CAN'T HELP BUT BE MOVED BY THE BEAUTY, SIMPLICITY,

322. EVEN THE SEVERITY OF THESE SERVICES.

323. I FIND THE CHANTING, THE CALL TO PRAYER,

324. HAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL,

325. THE LOOKS ON THE FACES OF THE CHILDREN

326. WHO ATTEND TOGETHER HUMBLING

327. AS THEY ROLL OUT THEIR PRAYER RUGS,

328. REMOVE THEIR SHOES, AND BOW FIVE TIMES.

329. THIS IS A PRIMARILY MUSLIM COUNTRY.

330. AND THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS UNDER A HARSH SOVIET RULE,

331. ISLAM THRIVES AND CONTINUES TO TRANSFORM.

332. IT'S AN INESCAPABLE FACT WHEN YOU SEE IT UP CLOSE.

333. WHEREVER YOU'RE FROM

334. AND WHATEVER FEELINGS YOU BRING WITH YOU,

335. BEING HERE NOW, EXPERIENCING THIS,

336. WELL, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

337. IT SHUTS ME RIGHT UP.

338. THERE'S DEFINITELY A TIME AND A PLACE

339. TO BABBLE WITLESSLY ON TELEVISION,

340. AND THEN THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE TO JUST SHUT UP.

341. I THINK THAT WAS ONE OF THE LATTER.

342. I'M WITH YOU, TONY.

343. IF WE CUT AFTER THIS INTO THAT COMMERCIAL

344. FOR THE BELLY BURNER OR THE ABDOMINIZER,

345. IT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING.

346. BUT NOT TO FEAR.

347. AFTER THE BREAK, MORE WITLESS BABBLING.

348. WHEN YOU'RE AWAY FROM AMERICA FOR A VERY LONG TIME,

349. AEROSMITH ACTUALLY STARTS TO SOUND GOOD.

350. MY TIME IN TASHKENT HAS COME TO AN END.

351. ZAMIR AND I ARE ON OUR WAY TO SAMARQAND

352. TO BASICALLY CRASH A WEDDING.

353. AH, YES, IN THE MOVIE VERSION,

354. VINCE VAUGHN WILL UNDOUBTEDLY PLAY ZAMIR,

355. AND, WITH ANY LUCK, I GET PORTRAYED

356. BY THAT ADORABLE BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION, OWEN WILSON.

357. WE SET OUT EARLY, RETRACING THE PATH OF THE OLD SILK ROAD,

358. A TRADE ROUTE THAT THRIVED FOR CENTURIES

359. BETWEEN EUROPE AND THE FAR EAST,

360. THOUGH IT'S NOW, HOPEFULLY, PAVED.

361. IT STILL TAKES A LONG TIME.

362. PLENTY OF TIME TO CATCH UP ON A LITTLE HISTORY

363. FROM THE GUIDEBOOK.

364. DID YOU KNOW THAT SAMARQAND "IS THE MIRROR OF THE WORLD,

365. "THE GARDEN OF THE SOUL, THE JEWEL OF ISLAM,

366. THE PEARL OF THE EAST, THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE"?

367. "ANOTHER NAME, CITY OF FAMOUS SHADOWS,

368. "REVEALS SAMARQAND IS WITNESS TO THE FULL SWEEP

369. OF CENTRAL ASIAN HISTORY."

370. GETTING THERE IS HALF THE ADVENTURE.

371. FINDING FOOD — GOOD FOOD —

372. AS EVEN THE LOCALS WILL TELL YOU,

373. CAN BE A CHALLENGE.

374. BUT ZAMIR, WHO HAS SOME KNOWLEDGE

375. OF THIS CORNER OF THE GLOBE,

376. SUGGESTS WE MAKE A PIT STOP IN JIZZAKH,

377. A ROADSIDE TOWN ALONG THE ONCE-THRIVING TRADE ROUTE.

378. LET'S JUST SAY THIS IS NOT THE GOURMET CAPITAL

379. OF CENTRAL ASIA.

380. SO, TONY, WELCOME TO JIZZAKH,

381. THE PLACE WHICH IS ON THE WAY TO SAMARQAND,

382. WHERE WE'LL MEET MY LOCAL FRIEND, ASHRAF.

383. EXCELLENT. I'M HUNGRY.

384. WHAT'S THE SPECIALTY HERE? TANDOORI KABOB.

385. YOU'LL SEE THE WAY THEY PREPARE LAMB IN A MOMENT.

386. BOY, WHAT A PLACE.

387. STRAIGHT OFF, ASHRAF, AS ALL GOOD UZBEK HOSTS WOULD,

388. RIPS APART THE FLATBREAD

389. AND POURS US EACH A HALF CUP OF TEA.

390. YOU CAN CHOOSE ANY PIECE YOU LIKE.

391. AS HONORED GUEST, I'M GIVEN FIRST CHOICE

392. WHEN SELECTING MY PREFERRED CUT OF ROOM-TEMPERATURE ENTRéE.

393. ROOM TEMPERATURE, I SHOULD POINT OUT,

394. IS ABOUT 110 DEGREES.

395. I'LL TELL YOU, THE RIBS ARE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD.

396. YEAH, I'M RECOGNIZING IT.

397. THE BRAIN? NO, NOT TODAY.

398. LIVER? YEAH. YEAH, NO, THANKS.

399. YOU'VE WARNED ME.

400. I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

401. YEAH, ROOM-TEMPERATURE ORGAN MEAT ON A 110-DEGREE DAY,

402. I'M THINKING NO.

403. MAMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL.

404. I HAVE SERIOUS RESERVATIONS

405. ABOUT BLEEDING OUT INTO THE CRAPPER.

406. I FIGURE I'LL PLAY IT SAFE FOR A CHANGE.

407. BRAIN? NO, THANKS.

408. AND ON THE BASIS OF ZAMIR'S

409. PAINFULLY ACQUIRED WISDOM ON THIS SUBJECT,

410. I RESPECTFULLY TURN DOWN THE OFFER OF LIVER, AS WELL.

411. BUT BEFORE YOU BEMOAN THE MISSED OPPORTUNITY

412. TO ONCE AGAIN SEE ME CHOWING DOWN ON SOMETHING NASTY,

413. NOT TO WORRY.

414. OUR PROUD AND GENEROUS HOST —

415. PERHAPS THROUGH SOME MISCOMMUNICATION

416. BETWEEN ENGLISH, RUSSIAN, AND UZBEK — PERSISTS

417. AND OFFERS A FESTIVE SAMPLER PLATE OF EVERYTHING.

418. NO WAY OUT NOW.

419. THAT'S RIGHT — BETWEEN THE RIBS AND THE LOIN

420. ARE TOMATOES AND BRAIN AND LIVER.

421. ONCE AGAIN, TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

422. FIRST RULE OF THE ROAD — DO NOT OFFEND YOUR HOST.

423. TONY, SOMEONE HAS TO BE FIRST.

424. "NO RESERVATIONS."

425. IT'S GOOD.

426. ACTUALLY, THAT'S KIND OF DELICIOUS.

427. I AM SO GONNA PAY FOR THIS LATER.

428. A LITTLE BRAIN, A LITTLE LIVER, A LITTLE FAT.

429. THANK YOU.

430. I'VE SEEN ABOUT TWO VEGETABLES SO FAR IN THIS COUNTRY.

431. IT'S VERY MEAT-CENTRIC HERE.

432. THAT'S GOOD, ACTUALLY.

433. AND I'M SURE I DESERVE THIS

434. FOR SOMETHING I'VE SAID ABOUT VEGETARIANS.

435. SO, REALLY, ONLY ONE MORE THING TO DO TODAY.

436. WE GOT TO SCORE SOME GIFTS FOR THE WEDDING, RIGHT?

437. THAT'S ON THE TOP OF OUR LIST.

438. WHAT'S AN APPROPRIATE GIFT SELECTION?

439. IT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

440. SOMETHING LIKE A CRIB FOR A BABY.

441. FOR A BABY TO COME.

442. BUT, SEE, IN AMERICA THIS WOULD BE AN INSULT

443. BECAUSE PRESUMABLY NOBODY'S PREGNANT YET.

444. IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

445. EVEN IF HE'S GOT NO LEAD IN HIS PENCIL

446. AND TWO OR THREE YEARS OF TRYING AND FAILING,

447. THIS WON'T BECOME A BITTER REBUKE

448. THAT WILL ALWAYS REMIND HIM OF HIS OWN FAILURE?

449. I PREFER TO AVOID AWKWARD MOMENTS,

450. SO ZAMIR ASKS FOR A SECOND OPINION.

451. IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD, TONY,

452. ANY SINCERE WISH,

453. AS LONG AS IT COMES FROM YOUR HEART, WILL BE IMPLEMENTED.

454. OH, GREAT, A GIFT FROM THE HEART.

455. MY SPECIALTY.

456. I'M NERVOUS. I'M NERVOUS ANYWAY.

457. JUST ONE MORE THING TO WORRY ABOUT ON THE ROAD.

458. AROUND HOW MANY MORE MILES TILL SAMARQAND?

459. ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF.

460. AN HOUR AND A HALF TO SAMARQAND.

461. I THINK WE NEED SOME TUNES FOR THE VAN, MAN.

462. SO, I WANT TO SEE WHO'S POPULAR IN UZBEKISTAN.

463. YOU KNOW?

464. NO, NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

465. LIKE THAT SIZE. HE'S FROM GERMANY.

466. WHO'S THIS PERSON FROM? WHAT COUNTRY?

467. RUSSIA. RUSSIAN? YEAH.

468. OKAY, WE'LL TAKE THIS ONE.

469. I GOT — I HAVE NO IDEA —

470. A BOOTLEG OF A RUSSIAN POP SINGER.

471. BUT I'M SURE IT'S GOOD.

472. OH, OKAY, AEROSMITH.

473. WHEN YOU'RE AWAY FROM AMERICA FOR A VERY LONG TIME,

474. AEROSMITH ACTUALLY STARTS TO SOUND GOOD.

475. OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH. GOOD FOR THE ROAD.

476. YES, "DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY." MY FAVORITE.

477. WHILE I PONDER THE TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY

478. THAT STEVE TYLER MIGHT NOT BE RECEIVING

479. ALL THE CENTRAL-ASIAN ROYALTIES HE MIGHT OTHERWISE BE DUE,

480. ZAMIR HAS A STOP AT AN IMPORTANT SCENIC OVERLOOK.

481. SYMBOLICALLY THIS IS LIKE THE ONLY OPENING

482. FOR ANYONE TO GET THROUGH THIS MOUNTAIN CHAIN.

483. THE GATES OF EMIR TIMUR WERE A STRATEGIC LOCATION

484. IN CONTROL OF THE SILK ROAD.

485. THOUGH RELATIVELY SERENE NOW,

486. THIS WAS ONCE THE SCENE OF MANY VIOLENT CLASHES OVER THE AGES.

487. SO, IF YOU WERE BRINGING AN ARMY ON HORSEBACK THROUGH,

488. THAT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY OPENING?

489. THAT'S EXACTLY THE CASE.

490. FINALLY, SAMARQAND, A CITY OF ONE MILLION PEOPLE,

491. THE SECOND LARGEST IN UZBEKISTAN

492. AND ABOUT AS OLD AS ROME OR BABYLON.

493. DUE TO ITS AGE AND AT TIMES TURBULENT HISTORY,

494. IT'S A MIX OF PERSIAN, TURKISH, MONGOL, ARAB,

495. WESTERN, AND EASTERN CULTURES.

496. AFTER THE BREAK, I'M INTRODUCED

497. TO ONE OF SAMARQAND'S TIME-HONORED TRADITIONS...

498. OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL ME.

499. LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY —

500. IF YOU FIND ME ANNOYING OR ARROGANT

501. OR YOU HATE MY GUTS, THIS IS THE SEGMENT FOR YOU.

502. MY FIRST MORNING IN SAMARQAND, AND ZAMIR SUGGESTS I RELAX

503. AND SHAKE OFF THE RIGORS OF THE ROAD.

504. SO, WE HEAD TO THE CENTER OF THE CITY

505. TO VISIT A 100-YEAR-OLD UZBEK SPA,

506. A MIRROR IMAGE OF THE ARAB PUBLIC BATHHOUSE, OR HAMMOM,

507. AND I COULD CERTAINLY GO FOR GETTING THE KINKS OUT.

508. OKAY, SO, WELCOME.

509. I TELL YOU, DEAR VIEWER, AS I UNWITTINGLY SIP MY TEA,

510. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S IN STORE FOR ME.

511. DOWN THE STAIRS AND THROUGH A LITTLE DUNGEON-TYPE DOOR,

512. I WALK UNKNOWINGLY TOWARDS THE MOST PROLONGED,

513. AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL,

514. NOT TO MENTION HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

515. UZBEKS CLAIM THAT DESPITE THE AGONY OF A DEEP-TISSUE MASSAGE,

516. THERE ARE MEDICINAL BENEFITS,

517. SUCH AS INCREASED CIRCULATION AND IMPROVED RESPIRATION.

518. I GUESS I'LL FIND OUT.

519. JUST LIE DOWN, PROSTRATE YOURSELF.

520. ENJOY. THAT'S HARD.

521. IT'S NOT EXACTLY A SEALY POSTUREPEDIC, IS IT?

522. SEEN THE MOVIE "MIDNIGHT EXPRESS"?

523. LET ME TELL YOU,

524. ZAMIR HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR FOR GETTING ME INTO THIS.

525. NOTICE, BY THE WAY, THAT HE DOESN'T PARTAKE.

526. IT'S A MIXED BLESSING THAT I'M SO CONCENTRATED

527. IN THE NEXT HOUR OR SO ON NOT SCREAMING OUT LOUD IN PAIN

528. THAT I'M FAIRLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE SEXUAL HUMILIATION.

529. IT STARTS OUT HARMLESSLY ENOUGH AS I'M MOUNTED FROM BEHIND

530. BY AN OILED-UP WOULD-BE INTERROGATOR

531. IN A FREAKIN' SPEEDO LIKE SOME MIGUEL PINERO PRISON DRAMA,

532. BUT IT ONLY GETS WORSE.

533. OKAY.

534. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, EVEN LAYING ON A HARD ROCK

535. WITH MY FACE BURIED IN A SWEAT RAG,

536. THIS IS THE GOOD PART.

537. TONY, THE LOCAL PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOU'RE A VERY STOIC MAN.

538. YOU COULD, YOU KNOW, STAND ANY TORTURE LIKE MASSAGE.

539. YES, TORTURE.

540. THIS GUY IS DRIVING MY HEEL BACK INTO THE BASE OF MY SPINE,

541. THEN SITTING ON IT.

542. THIS WOULD BE IN ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES

543. PROHIBITED BY THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

544. HEY, I SAT THROUGH OLIVER STONE'S LAST MOVIE.

545. I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING.

546. NO COMPLAINTS, RIGHT?

547. OH, NO, IT'S FEELING GOOD.

548. I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATION THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR ME.

549. I CAN'T DESCRIBE TO YOU HOW MUCH THIS HURT

550. AND FOR HOW LONG.

551. IT'S TAKING EVERY BIT OF STRENGTH I HAVE

552. TO NOT START WEEPING AND CRYING AND BEGGING FOR MERCY.

553. OUCH!

554. OHH!

555. INTERROGATION SPECIALISTS WILL TELL YOU

556. THAT EVERY MAN HAS HIS BREAKING POINT.

557. I'VE JUST ABOUT REACHED MINE.

558. I'LL SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

559. RACHAEL RAY IS A BRILLIANT COOK.

560. THE CHICKEN McNUGGET IS HEALTHY AND DELICIOUS.

561. HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH — THEY WERE THE BEST BAND EVER.

562. ANYTHING. JUST MAKE IT STOP.

563. I'M ASSUMING THAT SOMETHING THAT HURTS THAT MUCH,

564. IT'S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL REALLY GOOD LATER.

565. OKAY. WE'LL SEE.

566. OH, MY GOD, I FEEL SPIT-ROASTED.

567. ZAMIR HAS A STRANGE "IT AIN'T MY FAULT" LOOK ON HIS FACE,

568. BUT IT IS, ZAMIR, IT IS.

569. TONY, HOW WAS IT?

570. I THINK THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST PROLONGED AGONY

571. I'VE EVER BEEN IN IN MY LIFE.

572. OH, REALLY?

573. I THINK THERE WERE POINTS AT WHICH IT WAS

574. THE MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN IN,

575. BUT IT WAS ALSO THE MOST PROLONGED

576. EXCRUCIATING SESSION OF EXCRUCIATING PAIN.

577. I MEAN, NIETZSCHE SAYS,

578. "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER,"

579. AND I'M CLINGING TO THAT

580. AS I LAPSE INTO PARALYSIS AND INCONTINENCE.

581. I BETTER BE THE HEALTHIEST GUY AT THE WEDDING, ZAMIR.

582. AND YOU LOOK LIKE A NEW MAN. YOU LOOK 20 YEARS YOUNGER.

583. WE COULD BE UNDERAGE FOR THE WEDDING,

584. SO WE'LL SEE HOW THEY MEET US.

585. FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE, ZAMIR.

586. I HOLD A GRUDGE.

587. EVERY TIME I TRY AND TURN MY HEAD

588. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU

589. AND ALL THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ABOMINATION.

590. AFTER THIS, SHOPPING FOR A WEDDING WILL BE RELATIVELY FUN.

591. HELL, AFTER THIS, ROOT CANAL WOULD BE A PLEASURE.

592. ZAKIRA ASHTROVOSH IS THE SAMARQAND MASTER OF CEREMONIES.

593. HE ORGANIZES BIG EVENTS LIKE WEDDINGS,

594. SPECIAL CIRCUMCISIONS, WHATEVER.

595. AND ALSO, WHAT WE'RE GONNA NEED TO LOOK GOOD.

596. WE ALREADY KIND OF STICK OUT.

597. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AGAIN.

598. NO WAY.

599. I TRUST ZAKIRA KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT,

600. SO I LIMP AFTER HIM

601. INTO THE DENSELY PACKED SAMARQAND BAZAAR,

602. WHERE UZBEK ARTISANS AND MERCHANTS

603. STAND PROUDLY BEHIND BASKETS OF PEPPER, SPICES,

604. SACKS OF FRUIT AND NUTS,

605. AND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE YOU COULD IMAGINE.

606. ZAMIR AND I ARE ON A HUNT FOR A BABY'S CRADLE.

607. THAT SEEMS TO BE THE RIGHT STUFF,

608. SOMETHING WHICH YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE HERE.

609. HANDMADE CRIB. COOL.

610. THE LEGEND SAYS THAT IF THE BABY RESTS ON THIS THING,

611. HE'LL BE SMARTER AND MORE MATURE IN LIFE.

612. AND THE HEAD WILL — A ROUND...

613. A ROUND HEAD.

614. A ROUND HEAD.

615. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT — A ROUND HEAD.

616. THAT'S BETTER THAN FLAT OR POINTY.

617. YEAH, WE WANT THAT.

618. THAT'S 20,000.

619. FOR THE SAKE OF A BAZAAR,

620. WE WILL NEGOTIATE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

621. IT'S A DEAL. 15,000.

622. ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO IT.

623. ZAMIR COUNTS OUT THE MONEY,

624. AND I MAKE A NOTE TO CALL THE NETWORK.

625. SOMEBODY'S GETTING BUMPED OFF THE CREDITS.

626. THERE'S SOMETHING VAGUELY BIBLICAL

627. ABOUT THIS SCENE, RIGHT?

628. DRAGGING THE CRIB UP THIS BLEAK

629. YET ANCIENT LANDSCAPE.

630. DRAGGING A CRADLE ACROSS THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION.

631. OH, THE METAPHORS ABOUND.

632. WE'LL STILL NEED TO BUY A COUPLE OF BLANKETS

633. AND SOME OTHER GIFTS, LIKE BED LINEN OR SOMETHING FOR THE BABY.

634. SO, YOU'RE SAYING BLANKETS, LINENS?

635. YEAH.

636. HEY, THE KID SHOULD TOUGHEN UP.

637. WHEN I GREW UP, IT WAS BARE WOOD, BABY.

638. I SEE.

639. SO, FOR THE BOY, THEY THINK THAT THE WHITE COLOR

640. SHOULD BE THE RIGHT ONE, I GUESS.

641. BUT WE DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A BOY.

642. THEY HAVEN'T EVEN SHTUPPED YET.

643. BUT THEY TRY TO BRING SOME BOYHOOD,

644. MANHOOD INTO THE FAMILY.

645. SO WE'RE HOPING FOR A BOY. YEAH.

646. WHAT DO YOU THINK — GOOD?

647. THE GUY SAID OKAY.

648. EVERYONE APPROVES THE CHOICE.

649. GOOD.

650. WE NEED WHAT?

651. T IS STILL SOMETHING WE NEED.

652. BACK TO THE — ON THE WAY TO THE VAN,

653. WE'LL BUY THE BLANKET.

654. WHERE ARE THE BABY BLANKETS AT?

655. I'M NOT FEELING SO GREAT, LUGGING THIS THING AROUND

656. ON MY SHATTERED SPINE AND PERMANENTLY IMPACTED NECK.

657. 2,000 FOR THE BLANKET FOR THE BABY.

658. BLANKET — CHECK. WE'RE DONE, RIGHT?

659. YOU JUST GOT SOMETHING,

660. BUT WE STILL NEED A POT FOR THE KID TO PEE-PEE.

661. A PISSPOT. OF COURSE.

662. HOW COULD I HAVE OVERLOOKED THAT?

663. TO PLACE A CONTAINER IT'SAR E UNDER THE CRIB

664. TO CATCH ANY OF BABY'S NIGHTTIME BLADDER EMERGENCIES.

665. WILL ANY OLD BUCKET DO?

666. WELL, I THINK THAT'S OVERSIZED.

667. SAYS STILL FURTHER DOWN. OH, OKAY.

668. WILL THAT FIT UNDERNEATH THE CRIB?

669. IT'S NOT TOO TALL?

670. IT'S ONE SIZE. CAN'T GO WRONG.

671. OKAY, THAT'LL FIT.

672. ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

673. AND ANOTHER PIECE OVER THERE, FURTHER DOWN.

674. IT'S SORT OF A NEVER-ENDING PLACE FOR A GREEDY KID.

675. HE'S NOT EVEN CONCEIVED YET.

676. OTHER DEPARTMENT, GOOD.

677. SO, WHAT? IT'S A LITTLE PIPE?

678. WE'RE BUYING BABY A BONG?

679. THIS ONE'S FOR A BOY. THIS IS FOR A GIRL.

680. NOW YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE, RIGHT?

681. MY GOD, YOU'RE TELLING ME IT'S A CATHETER?

682. OH, THIS IS GETTING REALLY DARK. OKAY, COOL.

683. ADDING YET ANOTHER ITEM TO MY EVER-EXPANDING WEDDING GIFT —

684. A CATHETER, A URINARY DEVICE CONNECTING BABY TO PISSPOT.

685. WOULDN'T A DIAPER HAVE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER?

686. YOU'RE BUYING URINARY ACCESSORIES FOR AN HOUR HERE.

687. OKAY.

688. REALLY THINK IT'S PRETTY IMPOSSIBLE

689. THAT WE'RE NOT GONNA OFFEND WITH THESE GIFTS,

690. BUT APPARENTLY THIS IS THE THING TO DO.

691. I HOPE SO.

692. NEXT COMES THE WEDDING.

693. ZAMIR AND I WILL BE DOING OUR BEST

694. TO BLEND IN AND AT ALL COSTS

695. AVOID EMBARRASSMENT AND HUMILIATION —

696. TWO THINGS THAT ARE BECOMING QUICKLY MY SPECIALTIES.

697. FINALLY HERE —

698. THE GLORIOUS EVENT, THE WEDDING DAY —

699. AND MY SHOPPING IS ALL DONE.

700. LET'S GET THE PARTY STARTED.

701. MAHALA, THE UZBEK TERM FOR "NEIGHBORHOOD."

702. THE LOCAL COMMUNITY IS AGAIN A PRIMARILY MAN'S WORLD,

703. AND THERE ARE FEW BETTER ILLUSTRATIONS THAN THE MORNING,

704. PREWEDDING MEAL TO WHICH ZAMIR AND I HAVE BEEN INVITED.

705. THANK YOU.

706. PERSONALLY I'D RATHER BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW,

707. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WEDDING FESTIVITIES

708. WILL CONTINUE LATE INTO THE NIGHT, BUT I TRY.

709. I TRY TO BE A GOOD GUEST.

710. FATHER OF THE BRIDEGROOM.

711. HERE THE FATHER OF THE GROOM IS RESPONSIBLE

712. FOR FEEDING ALL THE NEIGHBORHOOD MEN.

713. THIS IS BREAKFAST, RIGHT?

714. THIS IS BREAKFAST.

715. BREAKFAST IN SAMARQAND.

716. I'M LOOKING AT THE...

717. THE VODKA.

718. PLEASE, GOD, NO.

719. THIS WAS A SURPRISE.

720. EVEN THOUGH IT'S EARLY IN THE MORNING,

721. ALCOHOL IS WITHIN EASY REACH OF EVERY GUEST.

722. VODKA ON EVERY TABLE.

723. A REMNANT, NO DOUBT, OF THE RUSSIAN TRADITION.

724. IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

725. THEY'RE HITTING THE VODKA NEXT DOOR.

726. I'M NOT THAT HARD-CORE ANYMORE. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

727. SPOKE TOO SOON.

728. ZAMIR POINTS OUT THAT THE NEXT TABLE

729. ARE INVITING US TO JOIN IN A TOAST.

730. WE'RE HITTING THE VODKA.

731. HERE WE GO AGAIN.

732. BACK ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

733. IT'S GONNA BE A LONG DAY.

734. AFTER HOURS OF PREPARATION, THE PALOV ARRIVES,

735. AND I HAVE TO SAY IT SMELLS PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

736. PALOV IS A REGIONAL VARIETY OF RICE PILAF

737. AND PRETTY MUCH THE NATIONAL DISH,

738. OBLIGATORY AT ANY CELEBRATION.

739. TAKE IT FROM A CHEF —

740. COOKING FOR 300 PEOPLE IS A LOGISTICAL CHALLENGE.

741. IT REQUIRES SKILL, DEDICATION, ORGANIZATION,

742. AND IN THIS CASE ABOUT A HALF TON OF RICE,

743. A BOATLOAD OF ONIONS, CARROTS, TOMATOES,

744. AND MORE THAN A FEW SIDES OF BEEF.

745. VODKA AND PILAF.

746. BIG LOADS FOR BREAKFAST.

747. BY THE WAY, BEST FOOD I'VE HAD SO FAR IN THIS COUNTRY.

748. THE PILAF — EXTRAORDINARY, REALLY FLAVORFUL.

749. AND THE ACCOMPANYING MEAT,

750. IT'S ALMOST GOT LIKE A SWEET/SOUR THING.

751. IT'S DELICIOUS.

752. THE VODKA I COULD PROBABLY LIVE WITHOUT AT 8:45 IN THE MORNING.

753. AGAIN, IT'S TIME FOR CHAI.

754. AND, AS IT TURNS OUT, A WIDELY BELIEVED REASON

755. COLD LIQUIDS AREN'T SERVED WITH PALOV.

756. IF THERE IS ANY COLD LIQUID LIKE WATER ON THE PALOV,

757. THERE COULD BE A REAL STRIKE.

758. I'D EXPLODE LIKE AN OVERSTUFFED SAUSAGE.

759. NO TIME TO SIT AROUND AND SEE

760. IF MY ENTRAILS COME BURSTING OUT OF MY ABDOMEN

761. LIKE A SPRING-LOADED JACK-IN-THE-BOX.

762. THE GROOM MAKES A BRIEF APPEARANCE

763. BEFORE BEING WHISKED AWAY IN A LIMO.

764. THAT'S THE CUE FOR ME AND ZAMIR

765. TO BOARD OUR SLIGHTLY LESS LUXURIOUS TRANSPORT.

766. OKAY, ALL ON BOARD. ON THE BUS, ON THE BUS.

767. ALL RIGHT.

768. LIKE KEN KESEY SAYS,

769. YOU'RE EITHER ON THE BUS OR OFF THE BUS.

770. YOU KNOW, THE OLDER YOU ARE, THE FURTHER THE SEAT IS.

771. WE HAVE THE OLDEST MEN AT THE BACK SEAT,

772. AND WE PREFER TO BE IN THE MIDDLE.

773. WE'RE IN THE FOGY SECTION.

774. LET'S FACE IT, MAN, WE'RE OVER THE HILL.

775. THE MAGIC BUS FILLED WITH THE GROOM'S RELATIVES

776. IS TAKING US TO JUST OUTSIDE THE CITY,

777. WHERE MOST OF THE GUESTS WILL MEET THEIR NEW EXTENDED FAMILY

778. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

779. THIS IS SORT OF LIKE "99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL."

780. WHILE ZAMIR AND I WERE BUSY ENJOYING OUR MORNING VODKA,

781. THE FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE BRIDE'S FAMILY

782. WERE CHOPPING VEGETABLES, HANGING RUGS,

783. AND DECKING OUT THE HOUSE FOR TODAY'S FESTIVITIES.

784. IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THE WOMEN CELEBRATE

785. THEIR OWN MORNING FEAST

786. COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM THE MEN.

787. AFTER TAKING THE TIME FOR A LARGE GROUP MEAL OF PALOV,

788. SOUP, MELONS, AND, OF COURSE, SOME CHAI,

789. THEY HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME TO PUT ON THE FINISHING TOUCHES

790. AS OUR BUS UNLOADS.

791. BE A TRAVELER, NOT A — WHAT WAS IT? AH, FORGET IT.

792. WE MEET THE BRIDE'S EXTENDED FAMILY IN A RECEIVING LINE.

793. THERE'S A LOT OF TRADITIONAL RITUAL INVOLVED,

794. AND IT GETS PRETTY COMPLICATED.

795. MARRIAGES, IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE POINTED OUT,

796. ARE LARGELY ARRANGED HERE.

797. THIS IS, AS I SAID BEFORE, A DIFFERENT WORLD.

798. A BARRAGE OF HORN BLASTS FROM THE WEDDING LIMO

799. SIGNALS THE GROOM'S ARRIVAL.

800. THE WEDDING CELEBRATION IS, OF COURSE,

801. AN IMPORTANT PART OF UZBEK LIFE

802. AND IS USUALLY CELEBRATED IN A GRAND WAY.

803. HOWEVER, I'M SURPRISED TO FIND

804. THAT THOUGH IT'S A MUSLIM CEREMONY,

805. THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE DRESSED

806. IN TRADITIONAL EUROPEAN WEDDING GARB.

807. JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF EAST MEETS WEST

808. IN THIS LAND OF FUSION.

809. YOU MAY NOTICE THE STOIC LOOK ON THE BRIDE'S FACE.

810. ZAMIR ASSURES ME THAT MODESTY IS THE APPROPRIATE EXPRESSION

811. FOR HER THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

812. AS THE WEDDING GETS UNDERWAY, THE SOON-TO-BE-MARRIED PAIR

813. CIRCLE A SMALL FIRE

814. MEANT TO PROMOTE THE FERTILITY OF THE UNION.

815. NEXT COMES A KEY MOMENT IN THE CEREMONY.

816. THE BRIDE MUST ENTER THE HOUSE WITH HER LEFT FOOT

817. OR SEVEN YEARS OF BAD LUCK WILL FOLLOW.

818. OR WAS IT THE RIGHT FOOT?

819. OR WAS IT GOOD LUCK?

820. DOES ANYBODY HERE SPEAK ENGLISH?

821. ONCE INSIDE THE GROOM'S HOUSE,

822. WHERE THE BULK OF THE RELIGIOUS CUSTOMS ARE TO TAKE PLACE,

823. THE COUPLE RECEIVE THE MARRIAGE PRAYER

824. EXPLAINING THE RIGHTS AND OBLIGATIONS OF THEIR UNION.

825. SINCE BREAD IS CONSIDERED HOLY IN ISLAM,

826. IT'S OFTEN A VITAL ELEMENT OF THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

827. HERE IT'S PLACED INTO THE GROOM'S COAT

828. AS A SYMBOL OF ABUNDANCE, RICH LIFE, AND LUCK.

829. ROUNDING OUT THE CEREMONY,

830. THE BRIDE AND GROOM NIBBLE HONEY OFF EACH OTHER'S FINGERS

831. TO ENCOURAGE AND CELEBRATE THE SWEETNESS OF LIFE,

832. WHICH IS KIND OF HOT, I THINK.

833. FORMAL PROCEDURES COMPLETE,

834. THE BRIDE AND GROOM HEAD OFF FOR THE RECEPTION.

835. ZAMIR AND I FOLLOW BEHIND, PRESENTS IN TOW.

836. OKAY. LET'S ROLL.

837. I'M WORRIED.

838. A CRADLE, A PISSPOT, AND A CATHETER.

839. IS IT CERTAIN THAT THESE ARE GOOD GIFTS?

840. ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

841. SO, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, ZAMIR.

842. WHO'S GONNA BE THE FIRST ONE TO PUT A LAMPSHADE ON THEIR HEAD

843. AND REALLY EMBARRASS THEMSELVES?

844. I'M BETTING ME.

845. YEAH, YOU ARE THE TALLEST.

846. WE MADE IT THROUGH THE CEREMONY WITHOUT ANY EGREGIOUS FAUX PAS.

847. AND IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHY ZAMIR AND I

848. ARE DRESSED LIKE THE MANILOW TWINS,

849. IT'S 'CAUSE WHITE IS SUPPOSED TO BRING GOOD LUCK.

850. AND I FEEL I'M GONNA NEED LUCK WHEN THE HAPPY COUPLE

851. OPEN OUR GIFTS IN FRONT OF 300 PEOPLE.

852. BACK AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER,

853. WHERE EARLIER WE ENJOYED MORNING PALOV AND VODKA.

854. AND WHILE THE BAND'S RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT IT,

855. THE NUMBER OF GUESTS AND BELLY DANCERS

856. HAVE MULTIPLIED EXPONENTIALLY.

857. I'M ALREADY WORRIED ABOUT MY RUSSIAN FRIEND'S UNHOLY LOVE

858. FOR BELLY DANCERS AND AFRAID THIS COULD LEAD TO TROUBLE.

859. WE'RE APPROPRIATELY SEATED AT WHAT'S CLEARLY THE PARTY TABLE.

860. THIS IS DEFINITELY THE PARTY TABLE.

861. THEY'RE HAMMERED DOWN AT THAT END.

862. AND, OF COURSE, EVERYONE BEGINS THROWING BACK VODKA

863. BEFORE THE FOOD EVEN ARRIVES.

864. I SHOULD PROBABLY PICK OUT A LAMPSHADE

865. TO PUT MY HEAD IN LATER,

866. AS I SUSPECT I WON'T BE THE ONLY ONE LOOKING.

867. IN UZBEKISTAN WEDDINGS,

868. FOREIGN GUESTS WITH TELEVISION CREWS IN TOW

869. ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE A SPEECH.

870. SO ZAMIR AND I GO FOR A LAST-MINUTE

871. STRATEGY SESSION OUTSIDE

872. AND ANOTHER OF MANY FORTIFYING SHOTS OF VODKA FOR COURAGE.

873. YOU'LL SIGNAL. YOU'RE GONNA SIGNAL.

874. MOMENT OF TRUTH.

875. THE WEDDING CRASHERS' CUE.

876. NO TURNING BACK NOW.

877. I WANT TO THANK THE BRIDE, THE GROOM, AND THEIR FAMILIES

878. FOR ALLOWING THE WORLD AND US

879. TO SEE WHAT FAMILY AND COMMUNITY MEAN IN UZBEKISTAN.

880. AND I HOPE THAT THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM

881. WILL ACCEPT OUR GIFTS IN GOOD HEALTH

882. AND MAKE GOOD USE OF THEM.

883. AND CHEERS TO EVERYONE.

884. WELL, NOW THAT I'VE GRACIOUSLY THANKED OUR HOSTS

885. FOR THEIR HOSPITALITY,

886. IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO INSULT THEM

887. WITH WHAT I'M SURE IS GONNA BE AN OFFENSIVE GIFT.

888. WAIT A MINUTE. THIS SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

889. THE CROWD SEEMS PLEASED.

890. I THINK I EVEN SAW THE BRIDE CRACK SOMETHING RESEMBLING

891. AN EMBARRASSED SMILE.

892. I THINK WE DID ALL RIGHT.

893. YEAH, I THINK WE DID WELL.

894. LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG,

895. A CRADLE MAKES THE PERFECT GIFT AT AN UZBEK WEDDING.

896. NEVER DOUBTED IT FOR A SECOND.

897. BUT I THINK WE DID REALLY WELL.

898. MOST IMPORTANT, THE CROWD LIKED IT.

899. AND THE GROOM LOOKED HAPPY.

900. DEFINITELY.

901. I SAY WE GO BACK IN THERE AND BASK IN THE LOVE.

902. AND DO SOME DANCING MAYBE. MAYBE THE DANCING.

903. NO, NO, THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.

904. I'M IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT.

905. YOUR NUMBER-ONE JOB AS MY FRIEND IS — ANYONE WANTS ME TO DANCE,

906. YOU HUSTLE ME OUT OF THE BUILDING LIKE SECRET SERVICE.

907. BY THE TIME ZAMIR AND I GO BACK INSIDE,

908. THE ENTIRE WEDDING PARTY

909. IS LURCHING INCREMENTALLY TOWARDS DANCE FEVER,

910. AND I'M GETTING SCARED.

911. OKAY, THERE'S HOPE.

912. ZAMIR HEROICALLY THROWS HIMSELF INTO THE FRAY,

913. PERHAPS HOPING TO DISTRACT THE ATTENTION

914. OF A DANGEROUSLY ATTENTIVE BELLY DANCER.

915. PROTECT THE TALENT, ZAMIR.

916. REMEMBER, PROTECT THE TALENT.

917. YEAH, THANKS A LOT.

918. HE POINTS MY WAY, AND SHE'S ON ME LIKE A HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE.

919. SURE, WHY NOT?

920. WHO AM I KIDDING?

921. I'VE GOT NO PRIDE LEFT TO PROTECT AFTER THIS EPISODE.

922. WHY NOT SPASTICALLY SWAY DRUNKENLY

923. AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS?

924. WHAT SHRED OF DIGNITY IS LEFT IN ME ANYWAY?

925. NONE, NONE AT ALL.

926. I MAY AS WELL ENDORSE ADULT DIAPERS OR CIALIS AFTER THIS.

927. I HAVE JUMPED THE SHARK RIGHT ABOUT...

928. NOW.

929. THIS IS NOT THE WAY I WANT TO MAKE A LIVING, OKAY?

930. THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

931. I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING HERE, SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF,

932. ABOUT HOW MUCH PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT I CAN TAKE,

933. WHICH IS TO SAY APPARENTLY QUITE A LOT.

934. AND I'VE LEARNED EVEN MORE ABOUT WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR

935. WHEN I TRAVEL WITH MY GOOD BUDDY ZAMIR.

936. I WILL KNOW BETTER NEXT TIME.

937. AND I'VE LEARNED A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT UZBEKISTAN,

938. ABOUT THE MELTING POT OF CENTRAL ASIA,

939. ABOUT WEDDINGS AND FOOD AND NEIGHBORHOOD CULTURE.

940. EASTERN AND WESTERN WORLDS

941. CONTINUE TO MEET AND TRANSFORM HERE

942. IN A FASCINATING MIX UNLIKE ANYWHERE ELSE.

943. THIS IS THE EXFOLIATING — A.K.A. SKINNED ALIVE — PART.

944. I NOTICE AGAIN, BY THE WAY, I'M GETTING SNAPPED AND CRUNCHED

945. LIKE A BOX OF DAY-OLD TRISCUITS AND...

946. WHERE'S ZAMIR?

947. I'M PRETTY MUCH ENJOYING THE MOTOR FUNCTION

948. OF A MOLLUSK AT THIS POINT.