Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations 1x7

1. WHAT'S THAT NOISE? DID YOU HEAR THAT?

2. LAS VEGAS —

3. IT'S A STRANGE AND TERRIBLE PLACE, IN A FUN KIND OF WAY.

4. SO FAR, I'VE HAD A REALLY FINE MEAL AT A GREAT RESTAURANT.

5. I'VE BEEN SHOT AT...

6. BRUISED...

7. AND ENCOUNTERED

8. A HIDEOUS APPARITION OF SAMMY DAVIS JR. IN THE DESERT.

9. AND IT ONLY GETS WEIRDER.

10. I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LIGHT-HEADED.

11. YOU BETTER DRIVE.

12. I'M ANTHONY BOURDAIN.

13. I WRITE.

14. I TRAVEL.

15. I EAT.

16. AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.

17. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS, INC.

18. I MAY NOT BE THE BEST PERSON

19. TO DO A SHOW ON LAS VEGAS.

20. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE,

21. I'M DEEPLY CONFLICTED BY THIS PLACE.

22. THIS IS SO WRONG — SO, SO WRONG.

23. I'VE ALWAYS HELD IN REVERENTIAL AWE

24. THE MOBBED-UP, RAT-PACK VEGAS OF THE '60s —

25. SWINGIN' JAZZ, CUCKOO-CRAZY CHICKS,

26. A NONSTOP PARTY

27. OF CIGARETTES, BOOZE, GAMBLING, AND MISCHIEF.

28. BUT BY THE EARLY '70s, THAT DREAM HAD TURNED UGLY.

29. TIME HAS TRANSFORMED

30. THE PERSONALITY-DRIVEN, MOB-RUN VEGAS

31. INTO THE SOULLESS CORPORATE THEME PARKS WE SEE TODAY.

32. IN A RASH MOMENT,

33. I ONCE SAID I WOULDN'T GO TO VEGAS IF THEY PAID ME.

34. THEN SOMEONE ACTUALLY PAID ME.

35. A WORLD-CLASS MAGAZINE

36. ASSIGNED ME TO A TOPIC CLOSE TO MY HEART —

37. CELEBRITY CHEFS IN LAS VEGAS.

38. DID THE NEW CROP OF CHEF-BRANDED RESTAURANTS

39. LIKE BOBBY FLAY'S MESA GRILL

40. OR THE LEGENDARY THOMAS KELLER'S BOUCHON, AMONG OTHERS,

41. REPRESENT A NEW GOLDEN AGE OF AMERICAN GASTRONOMY

42. OR A NEON-LIT ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD FOR ONCE-GREAT COOKS?

43. APPARENTLY YOU CAN PAY ME TO GO TO VEGAS,

44. I FEEL GUILTY AND ASHAMED. EAT EXPENSIVE FOOD...

45. HAVE I MENTIONED THE MARGARITAS? WRITE AN ARTICLE...

46. AND ENDURE THE DEMENTED SCHOOL OF PILOT FISH

47. THAT IS MY PRODUCTION CREW.

48. BUT NOT ALONE.

49. I WOULD NEED A GUIDE —

50. SOMEONE THE EQUAL OF WHATEVER DARK FORCES I MIGHT ENCOUNTER.

51. I NEEDED RUHLMAN.

52. WHO HAS TO WATCH ALL THIS

53. MICHAEL RUHLMAN'S FACE TO THE WORLD

54. IS ONE OF GUILELESS MIDWESTERN CHARM.

55. A RESPECTED AUTHOR ON A NUMBER OF TOPICS,

56. HE COWROTE "THE FRENCH LAUNDRY COOKBOOK"

57. WITH CHEF THOMAS KELLER.

58. ALSO THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

59. WHO'S MORE TWISTED, DEVIOUS,

60. CYNICAL, MANIPULATIVE,

61. ABUSIVE, AND EVIL THAN MYSELF.

62. AND I COULD THINK OF NO FINER PERSON

63. TO SHARE THIS EXPERIENCE WITH.

64. AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I ADVISE YOU TO GET IN THE CAR.

65. HE MADE SURE THINGS WENT OFF THE RAILS RIGHT AWAY

66. BY TAKING ME TO THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.

67. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? I'M WORKING. I'M WORKING.

68. OH, "THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH."

69. I DO NEED TO BE HAPPY.

70. OH, YOU KNOW ME WELL.

71. THE DOUBLE DOWN SALOON IS MY KIND OF BAR —

72. A POOL TABLE, A GREAT JUKEBOX,

73. EASY ON THE ATTITUDE.

74. WE'RE GONNA BE GOING FOR THE SPECIAL, I THINK —

75. THE SCHLITZ AND THE ASS JUICE.

76. FORMULATED DIFFERENTLY EACH NIGHT,

77. THE ONLY IMPORTANT CRITERIA FOR ASS JUICE

78. IS THAT IT BE PINKISH BROWN AND GO WELL WITH BEER.

79. OH, YEAH, IT'S APPROPRIATELY NAMED.

80. THIS IS AN OMINOUS ASSIGNMENT, RUHLMAN.

81. IT'S NOT OMINOUS AT ALL.

82. I GOT WORK TO DO.

83. I'M AT THE EPICENTER OF FOODIE RESPECTABILITY.

84. I GOTTA DO RIGHT BY MY EVIL MASTERS,

85. SO I GOTTA STAY ON A PLOT.

86. YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT RESPECTABLE.

87. AND YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THAT AWFUL STRIP FOR A WHILE

88. TO MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY HERE, AND HERE IS WHERE YOU DO IT.

89. IT'S A SUCKING VORTEX, RUHLMAN.

90. I NOT ONLY HAVE TO EAT AT ALL THESE RESTAURANTS,

91. MAKE THIS INSIPID TELEVISION SHOW,

92. BUT FILE BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

93. YOU'VE GOT A GOLDEN TONGUE. IT JUST ROLLS RIGHT OFF.

94. YEAH, YOU THINK IT'S EASY, HUH? I'M WORKING NOW.

95. RUHLMAN'S EYES LOOK STRANGELY GLASSY.

96. WHAT CHEMICALS HE'S ON. YOU CAN'T SEE MY EYES.

97. I THINK WE NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THESE.

98. DO YOU SERVE FOOD HERE?

99. NO.

100. NO FOOD, BUT I BELIEVE IT'S A CITY ORDINANCE IN LAS VEGAS

101. THAT ANY BUSINESS NOT INVOLVING PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

102. PROVIDE GAMBLING OPPORTUNITIES.

103. WHAT IMPRESSED ME WAS THE LOCAL FOLK...

104. I FEED MY MONEY IN THE SLOT?

105. ALWAYS EAGER TO LEND A HELPING HAND.

106. AM I WINNING?

107. NOT YET.

108. VEGAS IS GONNA LOVE YOU, TONY.

109. OH, MY GOD, IT JUST SUCKS YOU IN.

110. YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE NOT ALL IN THIS TOGETHER?

111. OH, YOU ALREADY PLAYED THE HAND.

112. ALL RIGHT, SO I'M MAKING THE BIG MONEY.

113. NEXT ROUND'S ON ME, GUYS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BY THE WAY?

114. I'M CORBIE. NICE TO MEET YOU.

115. THIS IS MICHAEL, THE VEGAS HUSTLER.

116. SO, YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR SOME LOCAL STUFF TO DO?

117. WE NEED TO KEEP HIS MIND CLEAN AND PURE,

118. AWAY FROM THAT NASTY STRIP.

119. YEAH, I AGREE. YEAH, WE CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.

120. WE'RE GONNA TAKE OFF, BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD MEETING YOU.

121. YOU KNOW, DEFINITELY GIVE ME A CALL

122. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN CHECKING OUT THE REAL LAS VEGAS.

123. DID HE SAY HIS NAME WAS MIKE THE... HUSTLER?

124. YES, I THINK THAT WAS THE NAME.

125. IS THAT A WARNING SIGN?

126. EVERYTHING'S A WARNING SIGN HERE.

127. SHOULD I BEFRIEND THESE PEOPLE?

128. ALWAYS. YEAH, YOU BET.

129. SO WE SHOULD CALL THIS NUMBER?

130. I TRUST THEM. I TRUST THEM.

131. ALL RIGHT, RUHLMAN, I ADMIT, I AM HAPPY NOW.

132. I HAVE BEEN TO THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH,

133. AND I AM... STRANGELY HAPPY.

134. AS YOU SHOULD BE.

135. SO, IT'S BACK TO THE ASSIGNMENT AND ON TO BOUCHON,

136. DEEP INSIDE THE VENETIAN HOTEL'S TECHNICOLOR NIGHTMARE.

137. SO, IF MUSSOLINI WON THE WAR, WOULD VENICE LOOK LIKE THIS —

138. A WAFER-THIN VENEER OF CULTURE AND ARCHITECTURE

139. UNDER A MAT-PAINTED SKY?

140. NO, MY FRIENDS,

141. THIS IS A UNIQUELY AMERICAN TAKE ON ITALY.

142. IN ITALY, THERE WOULD BE A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SQUARE

143. SELLING SPLEEN SANDWICHES.

144. NOT HERE.

145. SO, I GOT TO TAKE A GONDOLA TO THIS PLACE?

146. IT'S A THEME MALL.

147. THESE ARE TWO WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER GO TOGETHER.

148. IT'S TRUE, BUT THIS IS AMERICA.

149. THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY REAL LIFE.

150. THERE'S ONLY GONNA BE THEME LIFE NOW.

151. YOU'LL SEE.

152. THIS IS EXTREMELY DISTURBING.

153. THIS IS ABOUT WHEN I START TO GET NERVOUS.

154. OH, BUT HERE'S THE CANAL.

155. TONY, HERE'S THE CANAL.

156. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR TV SET.

157. THOSE ARE GONDOLAS,

158. IN A SWIMMING POOL, IN A SHOPPING MALL.

159. I SAW THESE THINGS WITH MY OWN EYES.

160. OH, NO, THIS IS AN ALTERNATE,

161. TGI, McFUNSTER'S VERSION OF THE UNIVERSE, ISN'T IT?

162. YEAH, IT IS.

163. NO USED CONDOMS FLOATING IN THIS CANAL.

164. I THINK THAT'S YOU.

165. YOU NEED TO HAVE THAT RED BANDANNA AROUND YOUR NECK.

166. I FEEL THE FEAR COMING ON.

167. NO, NO, YOU'RE GONNA EAT SOME REALLY GOOD BISTRO FOOD.

168. PIGS' FEET AND THINGS LIKE THAT, BUT VERY REFINED.

169. REFINED.

170. YES.

171. I HAVE THAT ESCARGOT.

172. THOMAS KELLER

173. IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT CELEBRITY CHEF IN THE WORLD.

174. HE'S NEVER HAD A SHOW ON THE FOOD NETWORK,

175. AND YET, HIS NAME IS A VIRTUAL LITMUS TEST

176. FOR IDENTIFYING SERIOUS FOODIES.

177. HIS NAPA VALLEY RESTAURANT, THE FRENCH LAUNDRY,

178. IS, IN MY OPINION,

179. THE BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD, PERIOD.

180. THAT BEING SAID,

181. YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW DISTURBING IT WAS

182. TO HEAR THAT HE HAD AGREED TO OPEN A LAS VEGAS OUTPOST

183. OF HIS OTHER NAPA RESTAURANT, THE BISTRO NAMED "BOUCHON."

184. HYSTERICAL FOODIE PROPHECIES

185. HAVE RANGED FROM RAPTURE TO A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE.

186. BUT, IN FACT, WE STARTED WITH THE APPETIZERS.

187. OUR HOUSE MARINATED OLIVES. AND WE HAVE OUR SALMON RIETTE.

188. ON TOP OF THE RIETTE, WE HAVE A LAYER OF CLARIFIED BUTTER,

189. JUST TO SEAL THE SALMON.

190. THEY INCINERATE THE DEAD WITH THIS STUFF IN INDIA.

191. THEY COVER YOU WITH CLARIFIED BUTTER.

192. OH, THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING TO DIE, THEN.

193. YEAH.

194. WHAT WAS SATAN'S BEAUTIFUL ARGUMENT

195. THAT GOT KELLER TO COME OVER TO VEGAS?

196. IT'S MONEY. YOU DON'T DO THIS BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT HERE.

197. AND HE GETS TO TAKE CARE OF LOYALISTS

198. WHO HAVE BEEN WITH HIM A LONG TIME, ALSO.

199. CHEFS SPEND YEARS BRINGING UP TALENTED YOUNGER CHEFS.

200. WHEN THEY CAN'T GROW ANYWHERE, THEIR YOUNGER CHEFS

201. ARE EITHER GONNA OPEN THEIR OWN RESTAURANT SOMEWHERE,

202. OR YOU CAN KEEP THEM IN YOUR FOLD.

203. YOU DON'T LOSE THEM, AND THEY STILL THRIVE.

204. THAT WAS SATAN'S BEAUTIFUL ARGUMENT —

205. YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY.

206. YEAH, IT'S A BIG PART OF IT.

207. I THINK WHAT YOU'RE SEEING HERE

208. IS CHEFS COMING HERE FINALLY TO SAY, YOU KNOW,

209. "LET'S DO A GREAT RESTAURANT HERE.

210. "LET'S DO A RESTAURANT HERE WHERE I CAN HAVE AN AUDIENCE

211. "FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY AND AROUND THE WORLD,

212. AND WE'RE GONNA DO REALLY GOOD FOOD FOR THEM."

213. GREAT CHEFS ARE FANATIC ABOUT THEIR INGREDIENTS.

214. KELLER'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SEAFOOD SUPPLIER

215. IS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE.

216. ALL OUR LOBSTER ARE FROM MAINE.

217. WE CALL HER "THE LOBSTER LADY."

218. HE'S GOT THIS WOMAN IN MAINE

219. WHO HAS MADE FRIENDS WITH THE BEST FISHERMEN THERE,

220. AND THEY GIVE HER ALL THE BEST STUFF.

221. AND EVERY TIME WE PLACE AN ORDER,

222. SHE ACTUALLY GOES TO THE OCEAN AND HARVESTS IT JUST FOR US.

223. SO IT'S REALLY NICE AND FRESH — NEVER SEEN A TANK.

224. A PERSONAL LOBSTER WRANGLER.

225. HE'S BEEN SO DEVOTED TO HER

226. THAT HE'S ACTUALLY PAID MEDICAL BILLS FOR THE CRAB PICKER.

227. UH-OH, WHAT'S THIS?

228. BEIGNETS DE BRANDADE.

229. BRANDADE.

230. ESSENTIALLY A PUREE OF SALT COD AND POTATO,

231. BRANDADE IS NOT USUALLY DEEP-FRIED.

232. BUT IT'S A CLASSIC THOMAS KELLER IMPROV

233. TO UNDERMINE ONE'S EXPECTATIONS AND THEN EXCEED THEM.

234. SALTY, CRUNCHY, LIGHT.

235. THAT'S, LIKE, THE BEST APPETIZER YOU EVER HAD.

236. YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.

237. IF YOU PASS THAT AROUND, PEOPLE WOULD BE SWOONING.

238. BUT MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY APPETIZERS ALONE.

239. ALL RIGHT.

240. I KNOW THIS CHICKEN'S GONNA BE PERFECT, ISN'T IT?

241. IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

242. AND YOU GO RIGHT FOR THE BREAST,

243. WHICH IS THE MOST EASILY OVERCOOKED.

244. IT'S LOOKING MIGHTY MOIST THERE.

245. FRENCH FRIES MAY NOT BE A BIG DEAL TO YOU,

246. BUT THEY'RE A VERY BIG DEAL TO ME.

247. IT HAS BEEN MY CONTENTION IN THE PAST

248. THAT THE FRIES WE SERVE AT MY RESTAURANT, LES HALLES,

249. IN NEW YORK CITY, ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.

250. TO EVEN SUGGEST OTHERWISE

251. IS TO BRING OUT AN UGLY, COMPETITIVE SIDE OF MY NATURE

252. THAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO SEE.

253. TELL ME ABOUT THE FRIES. BE HONEST.

254. ONE FRY, AND IT WAS OVER.

255. THAT REALLY SUCKS.

256. BUT THIS DOES TASTE LIKE MY CHILDHOOD.

257. MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

258. I'M REALLY ANGRY NOW 'CAUSE THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.

259. PETTY, UNLOVELY FEELINGS BUBBLING TO THE SURFACE.

260. I'M SORRY.

261. JEALOUSY, RAGE, ASS JUICE.

262. I'M IN A LONELY, ANGRY, BITTER PLACE.

263. I'M SO UNHAPPY ABOUT THESE FRIES, THAT I LIKE THEM.

264. GOD HELP ME, I JUST LOST IT.

265. OH, MY GOD!

266. HE GOT SO PISSED AT THE FRIES!

267. LOOK WHAT YOU DID, RUHLMAN,

268. YOU SAVAGE, DISGUSTING BEAST.

269. IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, BOUCHON DELIVERS ON ITS PROMISE.

270. THE BISTRO FORMAT SATISFIES A RANGE OF TASTES,

271. FROM THE FOIE GRAS AND PâTé SET

272. TO THE MEAT-AND-POTATOES COMFORT FOODS

273. ANY AMERICAN WOULD LOVE,

274. AND ALL OF IT TAKEN TO A WORLD-CLASS LEVEL.

275. BOUCHON IS AN OASIS OF CALM AND CLASS

276. IN AN OTHERWISE CACOPHONOUS THUNDERDOME OF EXCESS.

277. ONE RESTAURANT DOWN, FOUR MORE TO GO.

278. SO, HOW OFTEN DO YOU MEET A GUY

279. WHO MIXES STORIES OF OLD VEGAS WITH PERSONAL GROOMING TIPS?

280. EVERYBODY WAS REALLY, REALLY FRIENDLY,

281. AS LONG AS YOU KEPT YOUR NOSE CLEAN, YOU KNOW?

282. STAY TUNED.

283. A NEW DAY IN LAS VEGAS

284. AND, WITH IT, A HUNDRED NEW DISTRACTIONS BLOOM

285. LIKE MALEVOLENT DESERT FLOWERS.

286. AND WHY NOT?

287. THIS TOWN WAS DESIGNED TO PROVIDE DISTRACTIONS.

288. I MEAN, THIS IS THE ORIGINAL SIN CITY.

289. THIS WAS AMERICA'S ADULT PLAYGROUND,

290. WHERE BIG GIRLS AND BOYS WENT TO BE BAD.

291. YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR FAMILY HERE.

292. HELL, YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL THEM

293. YOU WERE GOING ANYWHERE NEAR HERE.

294. NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

295. IT'S NOT THAT THERE'S NO SIN HERE.

296. IT'S JUST THAT IT'S ON A VERY SHORT LEASH.

297. THE MESSAGE YOU KEEP GETTING IS,

298. "PLEASE SIN RESPONSIBLY,

299. AND NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS."

300. WELL, SO FAR TODAY, I'VE MANAGED

301. TO AVOID BOTH RUHLMAN AND DOING ANY WORK ON THIS ARTICLE.

302. BUT NOW, AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT,

303. I'VE LET MYSELF BE ROPED INTO A TRIP

304. TO A THEME PARK OF A TOWN INSIDE A THEME PARK OF A TOWN.

305. I MUST BE DREAMING...

306. A DREAM OF NEW YORK —

307. A BAD DREAM, REALLY...

308. ONE WHERE THERE ARE NO PIGEONS...

309. APPARENTLY THIS HAS A CENTRAL PARK FEEL TO IT.

310. I FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

311. IT IS JUST LIKE CENTRAL PARK.

312. THE STREETS ARE TOO CLEAN...

313. HEY, JUST LIKE NEW YORK, ONLY I CAN SMOKE.

314. AND ALL THE PARKING METERS HAVE TURNED INTO SLOT MACHINES,

315. WITH PEOPLE ATTACHED TO THEM.

316. THEY PRE-SHRUNK MY CITY.

317. IT'S LIKE GREENWICH VILLAGE, ONLY SMALLER.

318. AND INSIDE EACH OF THOSE ROOMS LIVES A TINY HOMOSEXUAL.

319. I WANT TO WAKE UP.

320. TAXI.

321. I WANT TO GO HOME. I FEEL GUILTY AND ASHAMED.

322. I WANT TO HAVE A BETTER ATTITUDE ABOUT THIS WHOLE DEAL

323. AND THANK MY HOSTS

324. WITH A WHIMSICAL SMILE AND A FEW GRACIOUS WORDS.

325. AH, I'LL JUST GET A CUP OF COFFEE, A BAGEL.

326. YEAH, WE'RE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

327. BUT I CAN'T.

328. KIND OF.

329. I FEEL VIOLATED.

330. I FEEL ANGRY.

331. MAYBE A HOT DOG WILL IMPROVE MY MOOD.

332. HEY — A NATHAN'S.

333. AHH.

334. I DON'T LIKE IT HERE. I WANT TO GO HOME. I'M HOMESICK.

335. APPARENTLY MANY PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK HAVE THIS REACTION.

336. MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE A BIG WARNING LABEL OUTSIDE

337. FOR THE PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK.

338. HMM, WHERE ARE THE PIGEONS? THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

339. YOU CAN'T EVEN JUMP OFF THIS BRIDGE.

340. SORT OF LAY THERE, WALLOWING IN AROUND THREE INCHES OF WATER,

341. WITH PEOPLE DROPPING QUARTERS AND NICKELS ON MY HEAD.

342. I THINK MY SENSE OF UNHAPPINESS AT THIS MOMENT

343. IS INFORMED BY A DEEPER TERROR —

344. THE FEAR THAT, IN SOME WAYS...

345. LAS VEGAS ISN'T...

346. LOOKING MORE LIKE NEW YORK.

347. IN FACT, MY BELOVED CITY,

348. WITH EACH PASSING YEAR...

349. IS BEGINNING TO LOOK MORE LIKE VEGAS.

350. AS A NEW YORKER,

351. I USED TO FEEL LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA WAS A FOREIGN COUNTRY.

352. ACTUALLY, IT'S AN ATTITUDE YOU SEE ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

353. PARISIANS HOLD FRENCH PROVINCIALS

354. IN WITHERING CONTEMPT.

355. AND THERE ARE NATIVES OF TOKYO

356. WHO HAVE TRAVELED TO EVERY PART OF THE WORLD

357. EXCEPT JAPAN OUTSIDE OF TOKYO.

358. A FEW YEARS AGO, I BEGAN ASKING MYSELF WHAT IT WAS

359. THAT DISTINGUISHED THE QUAINT, CHARMING FOLKWAYS

360. OF EVERYONE ELSE'S NATIVE CULTURES

361. FROM THE PEOPLE IN MY OWN CULTURE.

362. I STILL DON'T KNOW.

363. A LOT OF AMERICA STILL FEELS FOREIGN TO ME.

364. BUT I HAVE FOUND THAT RESPECTING THAT FOREIGNNESS

365. BY SIMPLY CUTTING AMERICANS AS MUCH SLACK

366. AS I WOULD ANYONE ELSE'S INDIGENOUS CULTURE

367. HAS MADE THINGS EASIER AND A LOT MORE ENJOYABLE.

368. EVERYTHING GETS BETTER IN VEGAS WHEN THEY TURN ON THE NEON.

369. IT'S TWILIGHT,

370. AND I'M HEADING OFF THE STRIP TO THE FREMONT STREET AREA.

371. THE ONCE-FAMOUS GLITTER GULCH HAS FALLEN ON SHABBIER TIMES,

372. BUT IT'S COMING BACK

373. WITH SOME NEW BARS WITH A MORE DOWNTOWN, LOCAL FEEL —

374. FOR VEGAS, THAT IS.

375. PERSONAL GROOMING IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME.

376. I THINK I NEED A MANICURE AND A GIRL DRINK.

377. NOW, I WASN'T AWARE OF THE THREE PREVIOUS

378. MARTINI-AND-MANICURE-THEMED BEAUTY BARS

379. IN NEW YORK, SAN FRANCISCO, AND LOS ANGELES.

380. AND IF NOT FOR MY NEW FRIEND CORBIE,

381. I WOULD HAVE MISSED THE NEW ONE HERE IN VEGAS.

382. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

383. BEAUTY BAR LAS VEGAS HAS TWO BIG DIFFERENCES.

384. FIRST, MOST STATE BOARDS OF COSMETOLOGY

385. STRICTLY PROHIBIT

386. THE POTENTIALLY LETHAL AND MORALLY DEGRADING COMBINATION

387. OF ALCOHOL AND ADVANCED NAIL CARE.

388. NOT IN THIS STATE, PAL.

389. INSTEAD, YOU'LL GET A DECENT,

390. RESPECTABLE NAIL-CARE DEMONSTRATION,

391. AND YOU'LL LIKE IT.

392. MORE IMPORTANTLY,

393. THEY HAVE A LOCAL LEGEND AND REPOSITORY OF VEGAS FOLKLORE,

394. FRANKIE "THE FILE" RICO, A FORMER CONSTRUCTION MANAGER

395. WITH 6 MARRIAGES AND OVER 40 YEARS IN VEGAS UNDER HIS BELT.

396. FRANKIE'S GOT THE REAL STORY ON THIS TOWN.

397. THIS ITO VEGAS.T TIME OH.

398. I DON'T LIKE THE DISNEY ASPECTS.

399. WHEN MICKEY MOUSE IS THE BADDEST DUDE ON THE BLOCK —

400. FORGET ABOUT IT. FORGET ABOUT IT.

401. WHAT WAS IT LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS?

402. EVERYBODY WAS REALLY, REALLY FRIENDLY,

403. AS LONG AS YOU KEPT YOUR NOSE CLEAN, YOU KNOW?

404. SO, WHAT ARE THE GROUND RULES OF VEGAS STILL?

405. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NEVER DO?

406. I MEAN, NEVER SCREW THE LOCALS OVER.

407. THAT'S THE FIRST RULE.

408. SECOND RULE IS, IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STRIP

409. AND YOU SEE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW,

410. FROM HERE OR FROM YOUR HOMETOWN,

411. YOU WALK RIGHT PAST THEM.

412. YOU UNDERSTAND?

413. I COULD HAVE TOLD EVERYBODY I'M IN —

414. WHATEVER.

415. I DON'T KNOW NOTHING FROM NOTHING.

416. THAT'S HOW IT USED TO BE, BACK IN THE DAY.

417. RIGHT.

418. SO, DOES THE HOUSE ALWAYS WIN?

419. ALWAYS.

420. ALWAYS.

421. SO THE GOOD ATTITUDE WOULD BE,

422. "I'M GONNA LOSE ALL MY MONEY AND HAVE A REALLY GREAT TIME."

423. EXACTLY. IF YOU WIN, IT'S A BONUS.

424. BECAUSE HERE'S ANOTHER RULE —

425. YOU NEVER GAMBLE WITH SCARED MONEY — EVER.

426. YOU'LL NEVER WIN.

427. AND THEN THERE ARE SOME RULES YOU NEVER BREAK.

428. THERE WAS AN ATTORNEY WORKING AT AN OFFICE DOWNTOWN,

429. AND HE WORKED FOR ONE OF THE CASINOS.

430. AND ONCE A WEEK, HE HAD HIS REAL PRETTY SECRETARY

431. RUN TO ANOTHER OFFICE WITH A MANILA ENVELOPE.

432. RIGHT.

433. AND THERE WAS 50 GRAND EVERY WEEK IN THAT BAG.

434. HE STARTED HIS CAR ONE NIGHT WHEN HE WAS LEAVING —

435. BOOM!

436. SO THAT'S ANOTHER RULE — NEVER START YOUR OWN CAR.

437. BINGO.

438. I SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS DONE THE FIRST DAY I WAS IN VEGAS.

439. NEXT TIME, I KNOW WHO TO COME TO.

440. GIMME ME A CALL.

441. BEAUTIFUL.

442. WE DECIDED, WHEN FRANKIE GOT OFF,

443. TO SWIM IN THE NEON MURK OF OLD-STYLE VEGAS.

444. SO HE TOOK US TO THE PEPPERMILL FIRESIDE LOUNGE.

445. I CAME HERE WHEN IT FIRST OPENED.

446. I USED TO COME HERE EVERY SUNDAY FOR BREAKFAST.

447. THIS DOES NOT STRIKE ME AS A BREAKFAST PLACE.

448. NOTORIOUS SINCE THE EARLY '70s,

449. THIS PLACE WAS RATED ONE OF AMERICA'S 10 BEST MAKE-OUT BARS

450. JUST LAST YEAR.

451. THE SPECIALTY OF THE HOUSE IS MEGA-GIRLIE DRINKS.

452. AND WE SETTLED IN WITH A ROUND OF SOCCER-BALL-SIZED SCORPIONS.

453. YOU GOT IT. BONDSMAN NOW. I KNOW THE GUY.

454. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT A GIANT GIRLIE DRINK

455. THAT PUTS ME IN THE MOOD FOR MORE VEGAS FOLKLORE.

456. LIKE THE TIME HOWARD HUGHES TURNED THIS... INTO THIS.

457. IT WAS REALLY A JOINT CALLED THE "SILVER SLIPPER."

458. HUGHES WAS STAYING AT THE DESERT INN

459. AND SLEEPING IN THE PENTHOUSE.

460. THE LIGHT WAS GOING LIKE THIS,

461. AND HE ASKED THEM TO SHUT IT OFF.

462. AND THE SILVER SLIPPER TOLD HIM TO GO —

463. HE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THE PLACE,

464. AND THE FIRST THING HE DID WAS TEAR THE SHOE DOWN.

465. AND EVERYONE HAS WORK STORIES.

466. BUT FRANKIE'S ARE SOMEHOW MORE INTERESTING.

467. A GUY DROVE HIS BRAND-NEW CADILLAC

468. THROUGH THE SALON WINDOW.

469. STORIES ABOUT HIGH ROLLERS...

470. BOOM, BOOM, THEY TURNED THE CARDS, HE WON,

471. AND SHE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH 150 G's.

472. AND BIG LOSERS.

473. I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE GUY

474. THAT GOT HIS HEAD CHOPPED OFF AND PUT IN A BAG —

475. THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

476. WELL, THANK YOU, GUYS,

477. FOR SHOWING ME THE VEGAS I WANTED TO FIND.

478. ALL THE LUCK TO YOU, OKAY?

479. OH, TONIGHT I WAS A MAN

480. WITH PERFECT NAILS AND A MEGA-GIRLIE DRINK.

481. BUT TOMORROW I WOULD NEED THAT LUCK,

482. AS RUHLMAN AND I WOULD SETTLE A FEW SCORES

483. AND PASS JUDGMENT ON A MAJOR CELEBRITY CHEF.

484. FOR ME, THE $2.7 BILLION WYNN LAS VEGAS

485. MAKES FOR A COZY LITTLE WRITER'S NOOK —

486. THE PERFECT PLACE TO AVOID RUHLMAN AND WORK ON MY ARTICLE.

487. LAS VEGAS — BRIGHT, HOPEFUL LAND OF OPPORTUNITY,

488. A NEW FRONTIER FOR CHEFS —

489. IT IS A SPLENDID THING TO BE A WRITER.

490. AS A MAN OF LETTERS,

491. I'VE GROWN QUITE ACCUSTOMED TO THE PAMPERED EXISTENCE,

492. WHICH IS, OF COURSE, MY DUE.

493. THE STAFF HERE AT THE WYNN, HOLDING ME IN RARE ESTEEM,

494. HAVE ORGANIZED MY POSSESSIONS,

495. PROVIDED ME WITH NUMEROUS PERSONAL GROOMING PRODUCTS,

496. REFRESHING SNACKS,

497. A DELIGHTFUL MINT FOR MY PILLOW,

498. ALL THE REQUIREMENTS FOR A RELAXING BATH,

499. AN ARTFULLY PRESENTED ROLL OF TOILET PAPER,

500. A PAIR OF COMFY SLIPPERS,

501. A STACK OF DELIGHTFUL MINTS,

502. IF THE ONE ON THE PILLOW IS INSUFFICIENT.

503. IN SHORT, ANYTHING ONE'S HEART COULD DESIRE

504. IN THE INTEREST OF COAXING, WITH GENTLE PERSUASION,

505. THAT WILLFUL LITTLE SPRITE, MY MUSE.

506. NOTHING IS COMING.

507. I SIT GAPING AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN

508. LIKE A STUNNED TROUT.

509. THANK GOD.

510. WHAT IS IT, RUHLMAN, YOU FILTHY BEAST?

511. YEAH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS IN FIVE MINUTES.

512. NO, IT'S GOING LOUSY.

513. THE 20-MINUTE DRIVE IN ANY DIRECTION FROM LAS VEGAS

514. WILL BRING YOU THROUGH THE SUBURBAN SPRAWL

515. TO THE EDGE OF THE DESERT.

516. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO CHECK YOUR CABLE LISTINGS

517. FOR THE MANY FINE PROGRAMS THAT TREAT THE DESERT

518. WITH AN APPROPRIATE SENSE OF AWE AND WONDER.

519. I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT'S BIG, DESOLATE,

520. AND THE PERFECT PLACE

521. TO PUT A '72 CADILLAC ELDORADO THROUGH ITS PACES.

522. PEOPLE RESPECT A CAR LIKE THIS, RUHLMAN.

523. THEY GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.

524. SOME LITTLE DIMWIT —

525. YOU'RE BOTH APPROACHING AN INTERSECTION AT THE SAME TIME —

526. HE KNOWS WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BRAKE.

527. AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I ADVISE YOU TO DRIVE FASTER.

528. THEY GOT ARMADILLOS OUT HERE?

529. YEAH, I'LL BET THEY MAKE A COOL SOUND WHEN YOU RUN THEM OVER.

530. IN ADDITION TO HOUSING ALL THE SERVICE EMPLOYEES,

531. THIS SUBURBO DESERT

532. IS THE FULFILLMENT OF SOME PEOPLE'S RETIREMENT DREAMS.

533. IT'S LIKE LIVING IN A SKILLET,

534. JUST SITTING OUT HERE, FRYING IN YOUR OWN JUICES,

535. WAITING TO GET INTO THE CASINO.

536. NO SOUL, TONY. I DO HAVE A SOUL.

537. IT'S A BIG EMPTY SPACE IN THERE.

538. RUHLMAN HAD CROSSED A LINE

539. WITH THAT CRACK ABOUT MY NOT HAVING A SOUL.

540. I KNEW IT, HE KNEW IT, AND WE BOTH KNEW

541. THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES.

542. A FEW MILES OUTSIDE OF VEGAS, THE PAINTBALL ARENA, TEKTONX,

543. IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO SETTLE A SCORE.

544. LET ME STATE, FOR THE RECORD, THAT I ABHOR VIOLENCE.

545. BUT SOME PEOPLE REFUSE TO LISTEN TO REASON

546. AND MUST BE DEALT WITH IN THE HARSHEST POSSIBLE TERMS.

547. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

548. AS IT HAPPENS, RUHLMAN AND I ARE TWO SUCH PEOPLE.

549. IS MINE, RUHLMAN. I DON'T THINK SO.

550. LOCATED 15 MINUTES' DRIVE SOUTHEAST OF LAS VEGAS,

551. IN HENDERSON, NEVADA,

552. TEKTONX IS WHERE THE LOCALS GO TO LET OFF STEAM.

553. HAILING FROM CLEVELAND,

554. RUHLMAN KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE COLD, CRUEL REALITIES

555. ONLY NEW YORK JUSTICE CAN TEACH.

556. WHEN YOU GET HIT, YOU WILL DEFINITELY FEEL IT.

557. OH, CRAP.

558. JUST ONE STRIKE AND YOU'RE OUT?

559. ONE STRIKE.

560. HMM.

561. SO, RUHLMAN, YOU PICK A PRODUCER, I'LL PICK A PRODUCER,

562. AND CLEVELAND'S GOING DOWN.

563. COME ON, NARI. BRING HONOR TO OUR CLAN.

564. BUT THIS ISN'T REALLY ABOUT HONOR.

565. THIS ISN'T ABOUT JUSTICE.

566. HERE'S OUR STRATEGY — QUICK LIKE BUNNY —

567. VICIOUS, DEATH-DEALING BUNNY.

568. JUST THE MINDLESS FUN OF HUNTING PEOPLE DOWN

569. WITH THE GOAL

570. OF INFLICTING NASTY, PAINTBALL-RELATED BRUISES.

571. OH!

572. IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND.

573. ALL RIGHT.

574. I THINK YOU GOT TONY. HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN A NOTCH.

575. ALL RIGHT, 1-0 FOR CLEVELAND.

576. THAT'S OKAY.

577. GOING TO THE CASINOS IS VERY RARE FOR ANYBODY IN VEGAS.

578. WE GO WHEN PEOPLE COME VISIT.

579. THERE ARE A LOT OF LOCAL ACTIVITIES

580. THAT THE TOURISTS DON'T SEE —

581. A LOT OF SWIMMING AND HIKING UP ON MOUNT CHARLESTON.

582. IT MAKES ME WONDER

583. IF MOUNT CHARLESTON IS A PAINT-SPATTERED NO-MAN'S-LAND.

584. OH, WELL, BACK TO HUNTING RUHLMAN.

585. COME ON.

586. WE'RE FLUSHING THAT LITTLE GEEK OUT.

587. I'M HIT! I'M HIT!

588. WHOO!

589. ALL RIGHT. NOW WE GOT A GAME GOING.

590. NEW YORK AND CLEVELAND ALL TIED.

591. YOU KNOW, NARI, IF I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS,

592. WHEN I GET BACK TO AMERICA,

593. I'M GONNA BUY THAT FARM I ALWAYS DREAMED OF.

594. LET'S GET 'EM, BOTH SIDES. HE'S OURS.

595. OH! OH!

596. AAH!

597. OH...

598. MAYBE SMOKING IS NOT SO GOOD FOR YOU.

599. OH.

600. YOU KNOW, NOTHING WORKS UP AN APPETITE IN ME

601. LIKE HUNTING A GOOD FRIEND DOWN LIKE A DOG.

602. I WAS READY TO GET BACK TO MY ASSIGNMENT.

603. BOBBY FLAY'S MESA GRILL AT CAESAR'S PALACE

604. MAY BE THE MOST PERFECT SPECIMEN

605. OF CELEBRITY-CHEF-BRANDED RESTAURANT IN CAPTIVITY.

606. NOW, IN THE PAST,

607. I'VE BEEN ADMITTEDLY LESS THAN KIND TO BOBBY.

608. BUT TONIGHT SEEMED A GOOD MOMENT TO JUST LET IT GO.

609. I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED A CHEF SHOULD BE RATED

610. BY THE FOOD HE PUTS ON THE TABLE.

611. AND THAT WOULD BE OUR FOCUS TONIGHT.

612. WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS?

613. WHAT I EXPECT IS THAT IT'S GONNA BE

614. AS CLOSE TO NEW YORK AS IS POSSIBLE.

615. STILL, THE VERY CONCEPT OF THE CELEBRITY CHEF

616. RAISES A NUMBER OF QUESTIONS,

617. SUCH AS, "SHOULD WE EXPECT BOBBY FLAY

618. TO BE WORKING IN BOBBY FLAY'S KITCHEN?"

619. NOW HE'S GONNA SAY, "IS BOBBY HERE? IS BOBBY HERE?

620. PLEASE, TELL HIM TO COME OUT AND SAY HELLO."

621. YOU'RE GONNA GO TO EMERIL'S,

622. I DON'T WANT EMERIL POPPING UP LIKE A JACK-IN-THE-BOX

623. SAYING "BAM."

624. "GET HIM TO COME OUT HERE AND SAY 'BAM.'"

625. THAT'S UNREASONABLE.

626. GENTLEMEN, STARTING THE AFTERNOON OFF,

627. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE BOBBY FLAY'S SIGNATURE TARTARE.

628. THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST OVERDONE DISH IN THE PLANET RIGHT NOW —

629. THE TUNA TARTARE.

630. IT'S TASTY.

631. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A CHEF NOT BEING IN HIS KITCHEN

632. IF HE'S GOT A GOOD CREW, IF HE'S TAUGHT THEM WELL.

633. IF THEY MAINTAIN THE SAME STANDARDS

634. THAT MADE HIM FAMOUS IN THE FIRST PLACE,

635. THEN THIS WILL SUCCEED AND SHOULD SUCCEED.

636. GENTLEMEN, ONE OF BOBBY FLAY'S SIGNATURE DISHES HERE.

637. YOU HAVE THE ROASTED SHRIMP WITH SOME ROASTED GARLIC,

638. AND TIGER SHRIMP TAMALE.

639. THEN WE PUT GARLIC AND CILANTRO SAUCE AROUND THE PLATE,

640. WITH FRESH CILANTRO.

641. THANK YOU.

642. IF MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR IN CLEVELAND

643. COMES TO VEGAS AND EATS AT MESA GRILL,

644. I WANT HER TO HAVE A REALISTIC SENSE

645. OF WHAT MADE THE GUY IMPORTANT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

646. THIS IS DECENT FOOD.

647. IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS IT'S GONNA BE.

648. IT'S NOT A LIE.

649. SO I GOT A LITTLE MASSA...

650. MASSA RIEN STUFF, YEAH.

651. THE SHRIMP ARE COOKED REALLY NICELY.

652. IF THE FOOD SUCKED —

653. YOU KNOW, IF THE SHRIMP WERE RUBBERY AND OVERCOOKED...

654. WE'D BE ALL OVER IT LIKE A BAD RASH.

655. THIS IS DECENT FOOD SO FAR.

656. I'VE HAD A LOT OF AUTHENTIC TAMALES.

657. IF I HAD THIS IN MEXICO ON THE STREET, I'D SAY,

658. "HOLY THAT IS ONE KING HELL TAMALE."

659. HE DID A GOOD JOB WITH IT.

660. THE SMOKED CHICKEN AND BLACK BEAN QUESADILLA

661. DIDN'T REALLY FLOAT MY BOAT.

662. IT'S GOOD SUPER BOWL FOOD.

663. I HATE IT LIKE POISON.

664. IS THIS BETTER THAN A REGULAR QUESADILLA?

665. OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

666. IT ISN'T.

667. ANY QUESADILLA AT ANY STREET MARKET ANYWHERE IN MEXICO

668. IS GONNA BE BETTER THAN THIS.

669. BUT, THAT DISH ASIDE,

670. I KEPT COMING BACK TO THE SAME CONCLUSION.

671. IF I JUST DROPPED $1,000 OUT THERE AT KENO,

672. AND I WALKED IN HERE, I'D BE VERY, VERY HAPPY WITH THIS.

673. I WOULD SAY, "HEY, YOU KNOW,

674. "I HAD A REALLY GOOD MEAL AT BOBBY'S.

675. I HAD A NICE PIECE OF STEAK."

676. IT NEEDS MORE SALT IN THOSE POTATOES, THOUGH.

677. BUT, AGAIN, YOU KNOW,

678. WE'RE NITPICKING HERE ON BASICALLY A DECENT DISH.

679. WE'RE MISERABLE, ROTTEN, EVIL PEOPLE.

680. YEAH.

681. HERE THEY'VE BROUGHT US IN AND EMBRACED US —

682. BROUGHT US IN TO THE BOSOM OF THE FAMILY.

683. THEY'RE SENDING US THIS BEAUTIFUL-TASTING MENU,

684. AND WE'RE, LIKE, CLEOPATRA'S ASP —

685. CHOMP.

686. IT TAKES A CERTAIN POWERFUL...

687. WORKHORSE... VISIONARY CHEF

688. TO PULL OFF A RESTAURANT IN VEGAS.

689. SO THIS IS NOT THE ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD FOR CHEFS.

690. NO, I THINK IT'S A GREAT LINE AND A LOVELY IDEA,

691. BUT IT'S NOT BEARING OUT.

692. IN FACT, THEY'RE DOING GOOD FOOD IN VEGAS.

693. I LEAVE RUHLMAN PASSED OUT IN THE RESTAURANT.

694. HE SEEMS HAPPY HERE.

695. BUT TOMORROW I WOULD FACE BETRAYAL, INSANITY,

696. AND A GHOST OF VEGAS PAST.

697. NOTHING LIKE THE OLD VEGAS. YEAH, BABE.

698. WHEN I LEFT HIM,

699. RUHLMAN WAS SLEEPING LIKE A BABY

700. IN A RESTAURANT IN DOWNTOWN VEGAS.

701. NOW, THERE ARE TWO SOMEWHAT INCONSISTENT VERSIONS

702. OF WHAT HAPPENED THE NEXT DAY.

703. RUHLMAN CLAIMS THAT I CALLED HIM IN AN ABUSIVE FRENZY.

704. RUHLMAN, WHERE ARE YOU?

705. I'M ON MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

706. YOU FILTHY SWINE. TONY, MAN —

707. I GOT US A BOATLOAD OF HEAVY ORDNANCE.

708. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S ILLEGAL.

709. WE'RE SIN THE DESERT. OUT OH, NO.

710. MULTIPMAYHEM. NIES. NO. NO.

711. WHY? NOT A GOOD IDEA.

712. YOU GUTLESS PUNK. SORRY, MAN, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

713. YOU'LL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS, RUHLMAN.

714. HOWEVER, SINCE THIS IS MY SHOW, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WAS —

715. HELLO.

716. BOURDAIN, IT'S ME.

717. RUHLMAN, WHERE ARE YOU?

718. I'M ON MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT. I'M OUTTA HERE.

719. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP. YOU'RE NOT COMING.

720. I FIND YOUR MANNERS AND DISPOSITION DISAGREEABLE, MAN.

721. YOU'VE MAROONED ME. SORRY, MAN, I CAN'T HELP YOU HERE.

722. YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS, RUHLMAN.

723. SO, WHEN THE GOING GETS WEIRD, THE WEIRD GO DRIVING.

724. I'M GONNA VISIT A BIT OF VEGAS PAST —

725. THE NEON MUSEUM BONEYARD.

726. WHILE THE MUSEUM

727. HAS A NUMBER OF RESTORED SIGNS DISPLAYED ON FREMONT STREET,

728. THE BONEYARD IS THREE ACRES OF LAS VEGAS SIGNAGE IN RUINS.

729. FROM THE BIG STARS WITH THEIR NAMES IN LIGHTS

730. TO THE BIT PLAYERS WHO CHANGED THE BULBS,

731. YOU GET A CHILL

732. WALKING THROUGH THESE SIGNS THAT ONCE LIT UP THE TOWN.

733. AND IT GETS YOUR IMAGINATION GOING.

734. NOTHING LIKE THE OLD VEGAS,

735. AND I MEAN THAT.

736. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE REAL VEGAS, THE ORIGINAL VEGAS?

737. THE OLD VEGAS WAS THE BEST TIMES WE HAD.

738. FRANK, DEAN —

739. WE ROCKED THE HOUSE.

740. I KNEW WHO THOSE PEOPLE WERE. WHAT'S A "DANNY GANS"?

741. I NEVER HEARD OF THIS GUY IN NEW YORK.

742. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? CELINE DION?

743. COME ON, IS THAT ENTERTAINMENT?

744. NOT FOR ME, MY FRIEND. NOT FOR ME.

745. AND I KNOW. I BUST MY BUNS OUT HERE.

746. AND THEN, AFTER I FINISH A SHOW, WHAT DO WE DO?

747. WE GO TO THE LOUNGE.

748. AND WE WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

749. CAN YOU IMAGINE CARROT TOP DOING TWO SHOWS A DAY

750. AND THEN STAYING UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING

751. AND SCORING WITH SWINGIN' CHICKS?

752. NOW, AS A RULE, I DON'T USUALLY OPEN UP TO DEAD PEOPLE,

753. NO MATTER HOW SWINGIN' THEY MIGHT BE.

754. BUT WE HAD A LOT OF VIEWS IN COMMON.

755. KIDS — CAN YOU IMAGINE? AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES.

756. THAT'S JUST SO WRONG.

757. I MEAN, IT'S ALL ABOUT MARTINIS,

758. AND HOOKERS, AND GAMBLING,

759. I MEAN, CIGARETTES.

760. KIDS SHOULDN'T SEE THAT — EXCEPT ON MY SHOW.

761. ALL HALLUCINATIONS, GOOD OR BAD, MUST COME TO AN END.

762. SO I BID FAREWELL TO SAMMY

763. AND TOOK ONE LAST LOOK AT THOSE ACRES OF NEON.

764. ONCE THE CUTTING-EDGE DISPLAY TECHNOLOGY OF THEIR DAY,

765. NOW JUST LUCKY TO BE MUSEUM PIECES.

766. THEN I HIT THE ROAD AGAIN,

767. WITH A TANKFUL OF GAS AND A HEAD FULL OF WEIRD.

768. THERE ARE TIMES

769. WHEN A MAN NEEDS TO BE ALONE WITH HIS THOUGHTS.

770. THEN THERE ARE OTHER TIMES

771. WHEN THAT MAN WILL DO ANYTHING TO AVOID THOSE THOUGHTS.

772. "ANYTHING?" YOU SAY?

773. WOULD THAT MAN, FOR INSTANCE,

774. PICK UP A ONE-EYED, ACCORDION-WIELDING HITCHHIKER

775. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NEVADA DESERT?

776. YES, INDEED, I WOULD.

777. CARMEN WAS THE WORST ACCORDION PLAYER I'VE EVER HEARD.

778. A MAN OF FEW WORDS, I FIRST TOOK HIM TO BE A DEAF-MUTE

779. AND NAMED HIM AFTER HIS ACCORDION.

780. OVER TIME, I LEARNED A FEW THINGS ABOUT HIM.

781. FIRSTLY, HE LOVED THE ACCORDION WITH A PASSION BEYOND REASON.

782. SECONDLY, HE EITHER DIDN'T KNOW OR DIDN'T CARE

783. THAT HE WAS AWFUL.

784. AND FINALLY, I LEARNED HE WAS ON A PILGRIMAGE

785. TO THE LAS VEGAS INTERNATIONAL ACCORDION CONVENTION.

786. I DROPPED HIM OFF AT THE GOLD COAST,

787. WHILE I WENT LOOKING FOR SOME LIQUID REFRESHMENT.

788. THE MERMAID LOUNGE IS JUST THE KIND OF SILLY FUN

789. MOST PEOPLE DON'T HAVE IN THEIR HOMETOWN.

790. I LOVE THIS PLACE. I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT HERE ALL NIGHT.

791. THE JELLYFISH BAR.

792. MY AQUA-WAITRON.

793. I WANT MY OWN AQUA CHAIR.

794. CONVENTIONS ARE TO VEGAS

795. AS SCHOOLS OF KRILL ARE TO HUMPBACK WHALES —

796. A CLOUD OF NUTRIENTS TO FEED THE GREAT BEAST.

797. VEGAS HAS ALMOST 25,000 CONVENTIONS A YEAR.

798. BUT WHAT ARE THEY? WHO ARE THEY?

799. AND WHO NEEDS THEM?

800. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE HUMAN ANIMAL

801. THAT SO NEEDS TO MAKE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH KINDRED SPIRITS?

802. I MEAN, WHAT WOULD DRIVE A PERSON

803. TO HITCHHIKE THROUGH THE DESERT

804. WITH AN ACCORDION STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST,

805. JUST TO BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE EQUALLY CRAZY ABOUT ACCORDIONS?

806. I NEEDED TO KNOW, SO I WENT LOOKING FOR CARMEN.

807. THREE DAYS THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE,

808. LISTENING TO ACCORDION MUSIC AND NOTHING BUT ACCORDION MUSIC.

809. BETWEEN 500 AND 600 PEOPLE

810. COME TO THIS EVENT EACH YEAR.

811. MY NAME IS GINA BRANNELLI,

812. AND I COME FROM MANCHESTER, IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.

813. AND I'M HERE BECAUSE I HELP TO ORGANIZE THIS CONVENTION.

814. THE IDEA OF PUTTING IT IN LAS VEGAS WAS MINE.

815. THIS IS A SHOWGROUND,

816. AND WE FELT THAT THIS CONVENTION BELONGED HERE.

817. TWO THINGS ARE IMMEDIATELY APPARENT.

818. FIRSTLY, LIKE MYSELF,

819. THESE PEOPLE WERE UTTERLY COMMITTED TO THEIR PASSION.

820. LIKE FOODIES

821. ARGUING THE PERFECT WAY TO CRACK AN EGG,

822. NO ASPECT OF THE CRAFT WAS TOO SMALL TO DISCUSS.

823. BUT UNLIKE MYSELF, THESE PEOPLE WERE HAVING FUN.

824. IT'S BEEN A JOY TO BE HERE.

825. WE'VE ALREADY BOOKED THIS HOTEL FOR NEXT YEAR.

826. I NEVER FOUND CARMEN.

827. MAN, I HOPE HE GOT SOME LESSONS.

828. YOU KNOW, I'M ALWAYS IN THE MOOD FOR A SNACK... OR TWO.

829. AND I'M BETTING I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

830. TO BEAT THE LOCALS AT THEIR OWN GAME.

831. WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE A SAYING —

832. "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES TONY A DULL BOY."

833. I'VE COME UP WITH A COMPLEMENTARY SAYING —

834. "NO WORK AND ALL PLAY MAKES TONY

835. A STRESSED-OUT, DELUSIONAL, PARANOID OBSESSIVE."

836. DEADLINES ARE LOOMING LIKE A GREAT SUCKING VORTEX,

837. AND THE ARTICLE — ALWAYS THE ARTICLE —

838. MY TOP PRIORITY,

839. RIGHT AFTER THE NEW ARTICLE, WORKING TITLE,

840. "ZEN AND THE ART OF BUFFET SCIENCE."

841. FIRST, RESEARCH —

842. NO TIME TO GO TO THE BUFFET.

843. I MUST BRING THE BUFFET TO ME.

844. HELLO, ROOM SERVICE.

845. YES, I NEED FOOD.

846. I NEED A REUBEN SANDWICH. I NEED...

847. HERE IN LAS VEGAS, ROOM SERVICE IS NOT JUST A PRIVILEGE,

848. IT'S A FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT.

849. HAINANESE CHICKEN RICE.

850. I WANT KUNG PAO CHICKEN.

851. WHEN YOU PICK UP THAT PHONE AND ORDER WAY TOO MUCH FOOD,

852. YOU BECOME ONE WITH ALL WHO HAVE ORDERED BEFORE YOU...

853. A BAKED ALASKA.

854. BE IT A SHRIMP COCKTAIL FOR CELINE

855. OR A STEAK FOR SINATRA.

856. IN VEGAS, WHEN YOU ORDER LIKE ELVIS,

857. THEY TREAT YOU LIKE ELVIS.

858. FOR GOD'S SAKE, HURRY.

859. WHAT IS THIS?

860. CAN IT BE?

861. DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?

862. THESE SUCCULENT MORSELS APPEARING AT MY WHIM?

863. OH, THE BUFFET AT THE WYNN IS EXCELLENT.

864. I AM REVIVED — NO, INSPIRED —

865. NO, BLOATED.

866. NOTE ON THE BUFFET SCIENCES —

867. WHEN APPROACHING A BUFFET, NEVER GO IN THE FIRST WAVE.

868. WAIT TILL THE GREED HEADS GO IN FIRST AND DESTROY THE BUFFET.

869. BE THE FIRST ON LINE FOR WHEN THEY REPLENISH THE BUFFET.

870. SECOND, AVOID SALADS AND BREADS. THAT'S FILLER.

871. IT'S ALL PART OF AN EVIL PLOT TO KEEP YOU AWAY

872. FROM THE HIGH-TICKET ITEMS, LIKE THE LOBSTER.

873. AND BEST OF ALL,

874. KEEPING IN MIND THAT PEOPLE ARE SNEEZING AND HACKING

875. IN PUBLIC BUFFETS ALL THE TIME,

876. IT'S BEST TO HAVE YOUR OWN IN YOUR ROOM.

877. DINNER WAS GOOD.

878. NOW I WANT SOMETHING TRULY EVIL FOR DESSERT.

879. SO IT'S BACK TO FREMONT STREET,

880. THE GLUTTONY AISLE IN THE VEGAS SUPERMARKET OF SIN.

881. LOSING MY SOUL, ONE BITE AT A TIME.

882. OH, I'M A LOSER, BABY, SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL ME?

883. BUT I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER —

884. A DEEP-FRIED CONFECTION.

885. I BLAME RUHLMAN FOR THIS.

886. ACTUALLY, AT THIS POINT, I BLAME RUHLMAN FOR EVERYTHING.

887. HOT TWINKIE.

888. THIS I HAVE ON TAPE.

889. I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S A BAD IDEA TO DEEP-FRY SOMETHING.

890. WHEN IS IT A BAD IDEA TO DEEP-FRY SOMETHING?

891. I'M BEING PAID A HANDSOME SUM BY A PRESTIGIOUS FOOD MAGAZINE

892. TO PASS JUDGMENT

893. ON WHAT FIVE WORLD-FAMOUS CHEFS HAVE TO OFFER.

894. AND YET HERE I AM,

895. DEBATING ON WHETHER TO GET A DEEP-FRIED TWINKIE

896. OR A DEEP-FRIED OREO.

897. I SETTLE THE MATTER BY GETTING TWO OF EACH.

898. TWO TWINKIES, TWO OREOS!

899. THERE YOU GO.

900. YES, THAT'S FOR ME.

901. DEEP-FRIED TWINKIE.

902. THIS IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

903. MMM.

904. OH, MAN, THAT'S EVIL.

905. I HAVEN'T HIT THE MOLTEN FILLING YET,

906. BUT THIS IS SATURATED WITH FRYOLATOR GREASE.

907. MMM.

908. IT'S TWINKALICIOUS.

909. IT'S TWINKARIFIC.

910. IT'S TWINKTACULAR.

911. IT'S DISGUSTING.

912. OF ALL THE PLACES THAT I'VE BEEN IN THE WORLD,

913. AND I'VE BEEN MANY,

914. AND OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE EATEN,

915. NEVER HAVE I WADDLED OUT OF TOWN

916. SO FILLED WITH SHAME...

917. AND SO MUCH HEAVIER.

918. AH, BUT THEY DIDN'T BUILD THIS CITY ON DEEP-FRIED TWINKIES.

919. IT'S GAMBLING AND THE LURE OF EASY MONEY

920. THAT BRINGS PEOPLE TO LAS VEGAS.

921. AND TONIGHT...

922. SWORDFISH.

923. HEY, I JUST FEEL LUCKY.

924. ALL RIGHT, THE GAME IS 7-CARD STUD,

925. OLD-SCHOOL VEGAS.

926. I ALMOST FELT SORRY

927. FOR THESE SIMPLE, UNASSUMING COUNTRYFOLK.

928. I SAW THEM, FRANKLY, AS EASY TARGETS.

929. A FEW HANDS INTO THE GAME, AND I'M STARTING TO THINK

930. MAYBE I'M WASTING THIS GIFT IN THE BUSH LEAGUES.

931. I BELIEVE A PAIR OF BULLETS BEATS A PAIR OF 7s.

932. I DON'T WANT TO RUB IT IN OR ANYTHING,

933. BUT I THOUGHT YOU GUYS KNEW HOW TO GAMBLE OUT HERE.

934. I SMELL CAREER CHANGE.

935. I KNOW, IT'S BAD MANNERS TO GLOAT.

936. AND IT'S GOT THE AROMA OF BIG MONEY.

937. WHAT'S THE NUMBER-1 RULE OF VEGAS — DON'T BURN THE LOCALS?

938. THAT IS TRUE.

939. I WAS SURPRISED TO LEARN

940. THAT THE OLD-SCHOOL VEGAS VARIANT OF 7-CARD STUD

941. INCLUDES A LIGHTNING TRIVIA ROUND.

942. THIS FORMER BOY SCOUT CAME PREPARED TO PLAY.

943. SO, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED ABOUT VEGAS, TONY?

944. WELL, "LAS VEGAS" MEANS "MEADOWS" IN SPANISH,

945. THAT IT WAS INCORPORATED IN 1905,

946. AND SPANS, UH, OH, 84,000 SQUARE MILES.

947. WOW — BIG TOWN.

948. YEAH, BUT DID YOU KNOW THERE'S 176,995 SLOT MACHINES STATEWIDE?

949. I DID NOT.

950. YEAH, THAT'S FASCINATING.

951. BUT DID YOU GUYS KNOW THERE ARE MORE THAN 965 CABS IN SERVICE

952. IN METROPOLITAN LAS VEGAS?

953. OVER 44,000 WEDDING LICENSES ISSUED.

954. MAN, TALK ABOUT COMPETITIVE.

955. THE AVERAGE YEARLY RAINFALL —

956. I NEEDED SOMETHING BIG IF I WAS GONNA WIN THIS ROUND.

957. AND THAT'S 10.64 CENTIMETERS.

958. BUT DID YOU KNOW THE "TRAVEL CHANNEL"

959. BROUGHT POKER TO TV SETS ALL OVER AMERICA?

960. OKAY, NOT GOOD. PLAN "B" —

961. DO YOU KNOW, IF YOU WERE TO HIT BARRY MANILOW'S FACE

962. WITH A DRUMSTICK, IT WOULD EMIT A SOUND MUCH LIKE A SNARE DRUM?

963. MEANWHILE, THE GAME HAD CHANGED.

964. I FOUND MYSELF IN DEEP WATER, FOR BIG STAKES,

965. WITH A HAND THAT COULDN'T LOSE.

966. YEAH, YOU BETTER LOOK AT THAT CARD.

967. I'M ALL IN, MY FRIEND.

968. THIS IS GONNA COST YOU...

969. $320.

970. THERE YOU GO.

971. NO WAY!

972. I GOT A BOAT, MY FRIEND. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

973. THIS BOAT IS LEAVING, AND YOU'RE NOT ON IT.

974. FLUSHED.

975. TOTALLY FLUSHED.

976. THERE IT IS.

977. MY LIFE IS RUINED.

978. OH, IT SURE FEELS GOOD TO BE A WINNER.

979. OH, YEAH.

980. HA HA, SUCKER. GOOD JOB.

981. WELCOME TO VEGAS, BUDDY.

982. HEY, BABY, CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER DRINK?

983. UM... I DON'T KNOW.

984. IS THERE SOMI CAN SELL BLOOD?E

985. OH, WELL, WHEN THE WEIRD GO BROKE, THE BROKE GO SKYDIVING.

986. I THINK I'M AWAKE.

987. I COULD FIND OUT FOR SURE IF I OPENED MY EYES.

988. BUT THE LAST TIME I DID THAT, I WAS IN A CHEAP MOTEL ROOM

989. SMELLING OF STALE CIGARETTE SMOKE,

990. CHEAP PERFUME, AND FAILURE,

991. LYING NEXT TO A ONE-EYED ACCORDION PLAYER NAMED CARMEN.

992. AND I DON'T WANT TO REPEAT THAT MISTAKE.

993. I STAGGER INTO THE HARSH NEVADA SUNLIGHT

994. AND FIND MY NEW FRIENDS

995. SPENDING MY FORMER MONEY ON A BARBECUE BY THE POOL.

996. MORNING, GUYS.

997. HI, TONY.

998. BURGER? OH, YES.

999. YES, A BURGER AND A BEER, I THINK.

1000. HERE YOU GO.

1001. BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

1002. HEY, TONY, HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF IN VEGAS?

1003. THE CUISINE IS EXCELLENT.

1004. BUT THE EXPERIENCE HAS TURNED OUT TO BE...

1005. MORE EXPENSIVE THAN I PLANNED.

1006. I TOLD YOU, YOU GOTTA LIMIT YOURSELF.

1007. KEEP RUBBING IT IN. YOU'RE NOT GETTING A BURGER.

1008. AS I RECALL, THE DEADLINE FOR MY ARTICLE WAS YESTERDAY.

1009. I HAVE A HALF-DOZEN PHONE MESSAGES FROM THE MAGAZINE.

1010. BUT THE WEIRD THING IS,

1011. NOW THAT MY CAREER AS A WRITER IS PROBABLY OVER,

1012. IDEAS HAVE BEEN FLOWING QUITE EASILY.

1013. I'VE EVEN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE METAPHOR

1014. FOR MY WHOLE LAS VEGAS EXPERIENCE.

1015. READY, JUMP!

1016. WHEN YOU JUMP OUT OF A PLANE FOR THE FIRST TIME

1017. WITH A FLYING ELVIS STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK,

1018. THE FIRST 1,000 FEET

1019. ARE PURE ADRENALINE-PUMPING, ENDORPHIN-JUICED THRILL,

1020. STRAIGHT DOWN, HEADFIRST,

1021. YOUR MOUTH STRETCHED INTO A SILENT SCREAM.

1022. THEN YOU LEVEL OFF A BIT AND, FOR A FEW LONG MOMENTS,

1023. YOU ACTUALLY SAIL THROUGH THE SKY.

1024. ALL YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAMS COME TRUE,

1025. AS, FOR SECOND AFTER GLORIOUS SECOND,

1026. YOU ARE, BEFORE THE CHUTE OPENS AND YANKS YOU BACK TO REALITY,

1027. ALMOST CONVINCED YOU CAN FLY.

1028. THEN YOU FEEL SOMETHING TOUCH YOUR OUTSTRETCHED FINGERS.

1029. YOU ALMOST BELIEVE

1030. ONE OF THE SPANGLED, DUCKTAILED FIGURES ON EITHER SIDE OF YOU

1031. COULD ACTUALLY BE ELVIS.

1032. SO, AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT CAN WE TAKE AWAY FROM ALL THIS?

1033. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT,

1034. WHAT VEGAS HAS COME TO MEAN

1035. FOR CHEFS, FOR COOKS,

1036. FOR GAMBLERS, DINERS —

1037. FOR ALL OF US WHO GO THERE.

1038. WHILE WE MAY BE RUSHING INEXORABLY

1039. TOWARD THE HARD REALITIES OF THE GROUND,

1040. SURELY AND INEVITABLY ARRIVING IN THE SAME PLACE,

1041. FOR A FEW MOMENTS, FOR A FEW HOURS, OR EVEN DAYS,

1042. VEGAS CONVINCES US THAT WE CAN STAY ALOFT FOREVER.