Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations 1x2

1. Iceland, middle of winter —

2. it's dark here...

3. Only four hours of sunlight each day.

4. It's enough to drive you mad if you're not used to it.

5. And I'm definitely not used to it.

6. I'm Anthony Bourdain.

7. I write, I travel, I eat...

8. and I'm hungry for more.

9. Iceland is out there on its own.

10. A volcanic island in the middle of the Atlantic,

11. it sits just below the Arctic Circle,

12. steam rising from its hot springs and geysers.

13. Less than 300,000 people live here.

14. It feels extraterrestrial.

15. Hit it in wintertime with only four hours of sunlight a day,

16. and you feel like you're walking on a frozen planet.

17. Wake up, young lovers, wherever you are.

18. What may seem like a dark, dank, suicidal time of year

19. for most people is, in fact, for Icelanders, anything but.

20. Now, in the first 48 years of my working life

21. as a chef in New York working in largely windowless spaces

22. in the back of restaurants, my way of dealing with those

23. kind of feelings was to get together

24. with some chef friends after work and get hammered.

25. Whoo-hoo!

26. And though these days I'm leading a marginally

27. healthier lifestyle,

28. I don't think sitting in front of the sun lamp

29. or chugging down fish-liver smoothies will do it for me.

30. So, I head to Iceland to see what their secret is.

31. I'm told they manage to turn the extended, hard day's night

32. into a rollicking good time

33. eating, drinking...

34. and pumping iron?

35. Woof!

36. Exercise is one of the ways Icelanders

37. preserve their health and sanity during the winter.

38. No wonder the world's strongest man for many years

39. was from this country.

40. Er-ber-ber-ber-ber!

41. Athletic facilities in general fill me with terror and dread.

42. And I'm really trying to figure out why I'm here

43. in this frozen wasteland.

44. I'm guessing because it's the producer of this show

45. loves seeing over-muscled guys in tiny little bathing suits.

46. That's really the only reason I could think of.

47. World's strongest man, meet world's weakest man.

48. This is 180 kilos.

49. You'd expect the locals

50. to be walking around pale, thin, and bleary-eyed.

51. Yet, oddly, Icelanders are among

52. the healthiest people on Earth with a long life expectancy

53. that ranks second only to the Japanese.

54. Apparently, this country's Viking roots

55. remain close to the surface,

56. and a little darkness doesn't turn them soft.

57. I will take 200 kilos for you.

58. I ain't lifting squat, okay?

59. Just the thought of these people pumping away

60. makes me queasy.

61. StairMaster, anyone?

62. Look, I can't even make it to the gym when it's sunny

63. and the cab drops me off at the front door.

64. I need a little more than the promise of sweaty, ripped abs

65. and better health if I'm gonna drag my candy ass out of bed

66. on a cold, dark morning.

67. Tony.

68. And there is something more.

69. These healthy lads are some of Iceland's elite strong men,

70. and they have just the thing for me.

71. Downstairs in the kitchen,

72. Greta, the gym's resident mom and chef,

73. is making up some kjotsupa for the muscle dudes —

74. a traditional lamb soup made of fatty lamb, rutabaga, onion,

75. carrot, celery, cabbage, leek,

76. and a fistful of rice to thicken.

77. It's the kind of hearty, peasanty food I really like.

78. This heaping bowl of protein

79. is the feed of choice for the strong guys when training.

80. In Iceland, back in the old days, it was very difficult.

81. So the people who were less strong, the weak people,

82. they didn't survive.

83. So only the strong people survived.

84. I'm thinking he could be talking about me,

85. and he's got a point.

86. I don't know if I would survive here.

87. You got food.

88. Don't hit me like that.

89. I'm going behind him.

90. You have to eat four dishes.

91. One for each, you know — one for and one for...

92. That's gonna take a lot of soup.

93. I'm planning on running for governor of California.

94. Yeah?

95. Oh, yeah. Just one bowl —

96. I'm going right from Don Knotts to bulkitude.

97. You might grow up to be a Viking one day

98. if you eat six bowls of this every day.

99. That's too late for me.

100. Never too late.

101. I like your attitude.

102. Real Icelandic hands, you know, made of —

103. made up of the soup.

104. No, this is real Icelandic hand made of the soup.

105. Uh-huh.

106. Oh, yeah, nice to meet you.

107. I'm the real American TV host, made of alcohol and cigarettes.

108. You guys, you eat this before you exercise?

109. All the time, before and after.

110. With me, I'd eat like two bowls of this,

111. then I'd need a nice, long nap.

112. I wouldn't feel like lifting heavy objects.

113. My wife is really happy when I eat the soup.

114. Because, yes...

115. You'll have to ask her about my sex life.

116. You'll have to excuse him. He's a male...

117. Slut.

118. Uh, mental note — do not sauna after lunch.

119. Yeah, just, uh — yeah.

120. Few minutes, you are to take arm wrestling with him.

121. Then you will see how much good the soup is doing for us.

122. Here we go.

123. I'm taking this punk downtown.

124. This is exactly why I never set foot in these places.

125. The smell of sweat and testosterone — magic.

126. I see Richard Simmons, I am out of here.

127. Okay, here we go.

128. Ready?

129. Hmm.

130. Oh, gee. No, I can't believe it.

131. He's cheating.

132. You need more soup.

133. They say this soup makes you bulky and strong.

134. I've had three bowls, and I'm getting nowhere.

135. Okay, here we go.

136. Okay.

137. Get this over with.

138. Finger wrestling.

139. Finger wrestling?

140. Yeah, can I use my whole arm?

141. No, just try to hold your finger.

142. Just try to hold it...

143. On my hand.

144. Okay. Come on.

145. Oh!

146. Yeah, that's going — Still there, good.

147. Nice to meet you.

148. It's nice to meet you, guys.

149. Thanks. Thanks.

150. Oh, thanks for the total emasculation, guys.

151. Does hanging out at the gym

152. and eating with muscle dudes constitute a workout?

153. 'Cause I'm feeling a little beat.

154. All right, maybe what I need is some fresh air.

155. Next stop in curing that winter depression,

156. a glacier picnic and a lungful of blizzard.

157. The Icelandic countryside is calling me.

158. Ah, yes, nature is a cruel mistress.

159. Life on the tundra is hard and difficult.

160. Only the strong survive.

161. Don't let the harsh conditions fool you.

162. Icelanders make the most out of the dark, wintry conditions.

163. People in this country don't hibernate.

164. They strap on their boots and head outdoors.

165. Hmm, it's a big, ugly hole in the ground.

166. What better way to make up

167. for my total wussification yesterday

168. with the muscle dudes

169. than a picnic on the Icelandic tundra?

170. My friend Siggi,

171. chef at the Nordica Hotel's very fine restaurant, Vox,

172. is hooking me up with some picnic eats.

173. No ham spread,

174. peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches on this picnic.

175. Morning. What do you got for us?

176. Smoked puffin.

177. Puffin?

178. This is the only place in the world you can hunt them.

179. Oh, excellent. It's like a cute, little bird?

180. Yeah.

181. That looks good.

182. Then we have organic lamb chops with barley.

183. Oh, nice! Oh, they're cute.

184. Look at that.

185. We season them with fresh dill and dill oil.

186. That's a cute, little lamb chop.

187. Oh, I'm eating well.

188. This is all Iceland ingredients.

189. And we could go much further with this, but —

190. Oh, no. My God, this is quite a spread.

191. I was thinking about starting doing fresh blinis now,

192. so they're gonna be nice in the lunchtime.

193. Beautiful.

194. Siggi gets to work on some blinis,

195. little pancakes to accompany the caviar and pickle dishes.

196. So, what do chefs do after work here?

197. A lot of the times, we go out and have fun.

198. Is there a chef bar?

199. Yes.

200. What are you doing, uh, Friday or Saturday night?

201. Probably going to the chef bar.

202. Outstanding.

203. You coming with us? I am so there.

204. Okay. That's good.

205. It's gonna be good to have you by my side there.

206. You'll kick some asses. You're bigger than me.

207. Oh, yeah, I'm famous for my lumberjack physique.

208. You can decide how much rum you want in the —

209. A lot.

210. A lot? Yeah?

211. Yeah, mom used to make hot chocolate just like this.

212. But, then, mom was an alcoholic.

213. Just kidding.

214. Oh, yeah.

215. That's, uh, choco-riffic.

216. No wintry picnic would be complete

217. without the traditional Icelandic brew Brennivin —

218. also known as "black death" —

219. a sort of Schnapps made with potatoes

220. and flavored with caraway.

221. It's gonna be really cold where I'm going, right?

222. So this could save my life.

223. This could save your life.

224. Anything called black death has got to be good.

225. Okay, picnic on the frozen tundra, here I come.

226. Oh, yeah, the great outdoors —

227. rarely do I feel more calm and comfortable and confident

228. than when I'm staring

229. straight into mother nature's slavering maw.

230. With my basket of indigenous goodies

231. being delivered by Jeep, I'm off to the picnic spot

232. in a more environmentally sound way.

233. Let's saddle up.

234. Hie!

235. When I'm traveling in between fine meals,

236. I always like to use the most modern

237. and yet fuel-efficient method of transportation.

238. Yee-haw.

239. Do they all take a piss break at once?

240. Or do we have to stop each time?

241. 30 minutes outside of Reykjavik

242. and it feels more like 30 million miles from anywhere.

243. I hope they have plenty of Scooby snacks in this.

244. The dogsled drops me off near the glacier-picnic spot,

245. and I'm instructed to stay put

246. and wait for the food basket to arrive by Jeep.

247. They said, "Don't wander," but... eh, I'm wandering.

248. I mean, you're in a strange land.

249. That's what you're supposed to do is wander, right?

250. Okay, that's not good.

251. Uh, the wind seems to be picking up a little bit.

252. I hope Siggi didn't pack paper plates in the picnic basket.

253. Hey, should snow be falling sideways?

254. Holy crap, this is a full-scale blizzard.

255. If my time in the Boy Scouts has taught me anything

256. about cold-weather survival, it taught me this —

257. hypothermia bad, shelter good.

258. And remember, kids, when making your own travel show,

259. insist on warm climates.

260. Oh!

261. Also, when speaking to producers,

262. and you say, "January? Is that a good time to go to Iceland?",

263. stick by your guns.

264. One tropical location's all I ask, you know?

265. Maybe the color blue could appear in this show once.

266. Some boat drinks, you know, banana-sling speedos.

267. Not that I wear one or like looking at them.

268. Eh, never mind. It really is quite beautiful,

269. and I did bring a little friend along.

270. A picnic pointer — never pack your alcohol.

271. Keep it on your person at all times,

272. just in case you and your lunch basket get separated.

273. I learned that one from Martha.

274. When freezing to death in a cave in the middle of a blizzard...

275. in Iceland, I always go for a little black death.

276. When death's coming your way anyway, drinking too much

277. is not something you need feel guilty about.

278. Oy, I'll just sit here, drink this,

279. and wait for help to arrive.

280. I'm sure someone will come along eventually.

281. Ahh.

282. My thumb is black-colored. Is that a bad thing?

283. I can't feel my penis.

284. I'm thinking of peeing in my pants just to warm up.

285. Do you hear music? I hear music.

286. Mommy?

287. Say, that sounds like the comforting music

288. from the Icelandic tourism film I saw.

289. There is a country in Europe

290. that offers some of the purest air in the world...

291. where the exquisite lamb is free from hormones and roams wild.

292. The Icelandic horse, purebred for centuries,

293. perhaps best symbolizes the compelling appeal

294. of this small, unspoiled nation.

295. A beautiful church

296. becomes the setting for a musical experience.

297. Because of the moderating influence of the Gulf stream,

298. weather is cool in summer and surprisingly mild in winter.

299. For outdoor enthusiasts, there are magical moments

300. that will remain forever in memories.

301. Iceland — the way life should be.

302. The weather's cleared up a little bit.

303. We can do the picnic scene, right?

304. Oh, yeah, it looks good.

305. Negative temperatures, 60-mile-an-hour winds,

306. and near-zero visibility —

307. this episode's special effects, well, they're free.

308. Maybe I should have stayed put, as instructed.

309. Eh, Icelanders are a caring lot.

310. My picnic buddies will be along... soon.

311. There will be no spreading out the picnic blanket

312. in this blizzard.

313. Even my guides — hardy descendents of Vikings —

314. feel today's a day to move the picnic indoors.

315. Time to seek refuge in a snow hut.

316. Had we been here Saturday night,

317. this would have been a thriving hub of activity,

318. filled with gyrating naked women all in throes of sexual frenzy.

319. Also, there would have been an unbroken vista of clear blue,

320. steam issuing from volcanic fissures.

321. It would have been a great show.

322. Instead, I'm freezing my nuts off,

323. sitting around with a bunch of guys getting drunk...

324. and eating well.

325. How do you say "cheers" around here?

326. Skol! Skol!

327. Oh, I can do that. Skol.

328. Okay, this is not what I planned exactly.

329. But it's good to come in out of the cold,

330. and I was able to recover my picnic basket.

331. My new pals seem happy —

332. beats the cold sandwich and shark-sicles

333. these guys usually suffer through.

334. So, this puffin thing, let's check that out.

335. They said this is a cute little bird.

336. Yeah, women really, really like this bird.

337. Yeah? To eat?

338. No, just to look at.

339. Just to look at?

340. But they are delicious.

341. They are.

342. That's a problem.

343. If you're slower than me, stupider than me,

344. and you taste good, tough

345. these lamb chops, by the way, are amazing.

346. They look cute, too.

347. It's good to be a chef.

348. My friend Siggi from the hotel really hooked me up here —

349. nice spread.

350. Could be another tourist calling for help.

351. Yeah, I'm sure they'll be fine.

352. Tell them to just try to stay warm, drink their own urine.

353. When we're done with the lamb chops, we'll go bail them out.

354. Just how cold was it?

355. And how long did it take for that South American rugby team

356. to start eating each other?

357. Luckily, I won't have to find out the answer on this trip

358. as my intrepid pals have 4x4 Superjeeps

359. with satellite navigation.

360. Back to the warmth and security of my hotel.

361. I better call Siggi

362. and have him make more of that hot chocolate

363. 'cause I got a big day coming up.

364. Tomorrow kicks off with an annual Viking feast

365. of frightening proportions.

366. I survived my time in the wilderness,

367. and I'm starting to get sensation back

368. in my extremities.

369. But this whole late-sunrise thing

370. is making me a little lethargic and cranky.

371. How the hell do these people do it?

372. I need a less-aerobic way

373. of experiencing the Icelandic winter.

374. How about a midwinter feast? Mmm!

375. Hey, you know what I feel like doing?

376. I feel like seeing people cooking the nether regions

377. of various animals that have been cured in lye.

378. Hey, I feel like some fermented shark.

379. Come on!

380. Iceland's rugged terrain

381. has forged a resilient and independent culture,

382. fashioned over the years by the descendents

383. of farmers and warriors

384. who fled the tyranny of medieval Scandinavia.

385. This original lot was a tough bunch,

386. and haute cuisine

387. wasn't necessarily the first thing on their minds.

388. But the ancestral Viking culinary root

389. has not been forgotten.

390. It is honored each year.

391. What's it called? The big party, the festival?

392. Thorrablot. Thorrablot.

393. And how long have you been preparing for this?

394. It's been laying in mesic acid since September.

395. That's like...

396. Six months.

397. Six months?

398. Jon and his cohorts have spent the last half year

399. prepping for this feast.

400. It's big business in Iceland,

401. so big that Thorrablot-to-go packs

402. are shipped to homesick Vikings around the world.

403. Mmm, yummy sheep's head.

404. How many of these you got ready to go?

405. Aw, he's cute.

406. We got about maybe 900 heads going out.

407. 900 heads — that's a lot of head.

408. That's the famous shark?

409. That's the shark.

410. The famous shark, buried underground

411. and allowed to basically rot for six months —

412. a treasured national treat.

413. The meat is poisonous early in the preparation.

414. Maybe that's why it's handled with rubber gloves.

415. Or maybe because it simply stinks.

416. The sheep's testicles.

417. Oh, yeah, breakfast of champions.

418. Thank you.

419. Mmm, sheep testicles.

420. Mmm. That's not bad.

421. Here's where it all started.

422. That's the headcheese.

423. That's a headcheese. Sheep's head?

424. Sheep's heads, yeah, boiled.

425. But all the meat is stripped off, the tongue...

426. The eyes — everything.

427. I mean, it's like testicles, headcheese,

428. the fatty part of the lamb, blood sausage, sheep's head —

429. is there anything in there, you know, there's nothing normal?

430. What's it gonna be like tonight?

431. Is this gonna be a serious, insane-o party?

432. Oh, my God, there's gonna be a lot.

433. I really don't like it when somebody from Iceland

434. is telling me, "Oh, my God."

435. It's really completely insane behavior?

436. Completely.

437. Let's get the party started.

438. Okay, maybe this is not the most exciting bunch in Iceland,

439. but they're nice.

440. They're fun, and they know how to party...

441. In their fashion.

442. You can really cut the excitement in here with a knife.

443. Welcome, Minnesota Orthodontists' Society.

444. Thanks for coming.

445. Today, we'll be discussing a painful

446. and prolonged surgical procedure.

447. And it only heats up from here, folks.

448. The entire town of G-G-G-G have not shown up yet.

449. I think they died of boredom after last year's event.

450. Either that or they fell victim

451. to a vicious butter-knife clash with the town of go-glig.

452. Do these things ever break out

453. into senseless butchery and violence, long-simmering feuds?

454. Do any of these towns have local rivalries?

455. Looking at this age group, I don't think so, no.

456. My friend Maria's from these parts, thankfully.

457. And she's a seasoned Thorrablot veteran,

458. so, hopefully, she'll explain the finer details

459. of the festivities.

460. It is once a year.

461. It's a time period from January to March

462. where Icelanders are basically celebrating how we used

463. to store our food in the old days.

464. So it's just something you only have to do once a year.

465. Sort of like a prostrate exam.

466. Yes.

467. What did my old pediatrician say?

468. "This will only be uncomfortable for a minute,"

469. followed by, "That wasn't too bad, was it?"

470. Yes. Yes, it was.

471. Now, here's a buffet you're not gonna find in Las Vegas.

472. The lower jaw's supposed to be the good stuff.

473. Let's see, I'll find a cute one here.

474. Yeah, he's looking good. Mmm!

475. A little smoked lamb, a little headcheese.

476. Ooh, testicles.

477. All good?

478. Oh, yeah.

479. Yeah, everyone's pointing at that.

480. Yeah, "Watch the American guy eat the fermented shark."

481. One is strongly advised to drink Brennivin,

482. lots of Brennivin —

483. presumably to wash out the taste of stinky shark.

484. They told me I shouldn't touch the shark with my fingers.

485. Now, this is food I'm expected to put in my stomach,

486. but I shouldn't touch it with my fingers?

487. I've actually never heard that before.

488. Oh, man.

489. That is, I think, the word, "unspeakably nasty."

490. This is probably the single worst thing

491. I have ever put in my mouth.

492. Cheers to that.

493. He's saying his brother, Bjorn, was so ugly...

494. when he was a child —

495. Yeah, they had to tie some fermented shark around his neck

496. so the family dog would play with him.

497. Hey.

498. They're telling everyone now

499. that everyone here is gonna be world-famous

500. because they're on the Travel Channel,

501. and that it's not a joke.

502. Show us your breasts.

503. It's "Iceland Chicks Gone Wild."

504. I was expecting like some out-of-control

505. renaissance festival with haunches of meat,

506. drunken bar wenches, ax-wielding Vikings,

507. belligerent trolls.

508. No one mentioned assigned seating

509. or, God help us, singing.

510. Ooh, yes, Icelandic doo-wop.

511. I'm putting this on my iPod.

512. "Freebird"!

513. "Freebird"!

514. Lest you think I'm a total ingrate,

515. I do think the fun-boy three really had good voices,

516. and all the folks at the celebration were very kind.

517. And the meal?

518. That was — all right, let's call it what it was —

519. worst meal ever.

520. It's not all hooves, snouts, and in this country.

521. There are some really fine chefs doing really good work,

522. and I'm gonna go find them.

523. In Iceland, I don't limit my means of travel

524. exclusively to doggy power.

525. Did you know that I was a champion equestrian?

526. I miss those days on the riding circuit.

527. As an outdoorsman, a rough-and-ready,

528. rough-and-tumble sort of a guy

529. with a deep feeling for nature and livestock

530. and the smell of animal feces...

531. This is always my preferred method of transportation.

532. Ho! Ho!

533. Trouble in town, ma'am?

534. No problem.

535. That better be a ham sandwich in your pocket, my friend,

536. 'cause you're gonna have to eat it.

537. Go on, giddap.

538. Come on, Buttercup, let's move.

539. Come on, Rumsfeld. Yeah, let's go.

540. Giddap, giddap!

541. Ho!

542. That's good. Oh, yeah.

543. He smelled my, I rode on top of him,

544. we had a bonding experience.

545. Yes.

546. Yes.

547. He looks just like Sarah Jessica Parker.

548. How old are you?

549. There's no way you can survive these winters

550. on putrid shark alone.

551. There are plenty of good chefs in this country

552. keeping bellies full and happy.

553. A friend suggested I meet their associate, Seigmar,

554. that he would hook me up with a really good meal.

555. Seigmar, I'm cold, tired, hungry.

556. I need a drink.

557. Where are you taking me?

558. To a small restaurant

559. whose name is "Three Frenchmen."

560. Oh, that's good.

561. But there is no Frenchmen.

562. Oh, that's bad.

563. But in Icelandic, it also means "three overcoats."

564. But in this case, it means some good eating.

565. Now, there's something familiar...

566. Brennivin.

567. It's kind of mandatory.

568. It's healthy, especially with the shark.

569. Huh?

570. Here's a traveler's dilemma —

571. do you risk insulting your proud host,

572. saying that you'd rather have a pack

573. of razor-toothed ferrets gnaw your toes off

574. than eat that stinking shark one more time,

575. or do you keep quiet and eat?

576. I say, reluctantly, "Eat it."

577. Oh, good.

578. You look better.

579. Some color in your face now.

580. I don't know if it's the Brennivin or the shark.

581. Maybe another one of these — that was good.

582. I kind of like that.

583. So, what should I eat here?

584. Fish stew.

585. That's our traditional...

586. Your signature dish.

587. Oh, I'm going for that, then.

588. That's the traditional fish stew.

589. What kind of fish you put in here? Cod.

590. All cod? Yeah.

591. So it's cod, onions, potatoes,

592. and a Béchamel sauce spiced with curry.

593. It's called plok fiskar.

594. Oh, man, that's good.

595. Oh, yes.

596. You see, if you're an Icelandic person, and you live abroad,

597. the first thing you have when you came home is this.

598. This is pretty damn good.

599. So, where does everybody come from in this country?

600. Is everybody descended from Vikings, or no?

601. We are a mixture of Vikings and Irish,

602. because the Vikings, they came to Iceland

603. because they didn't want to pay taxes at home.

604. In Scandinavia, there was one strong guy, Harold...

605. But he run whole Norway.

606. So Vikings, they say, "No, not paying you anything."

607. They go to Iceland.

608. Then, on the way, they said, "Well, we don't want to work,

609. so let's pick up some slaves in Ireland."

610. And then when the Vikings was picking up the slaves,

611. they saw some beautiful Irish girls.

612. So, they came home with 7 guys, but 11 girls.

613. Right.

614. So, that's the Icelandic nation.

615. Cutest Irish babes and the laziest Vikings.

616. Yeah. True, true.

617. That sounds pretty damn good to me.

618. That was awesome.

619. It's good.

620. This is what food should be.

621. I have many, many guests coming over here.

622. And sometimes some people do not like to eat fish.

623. For instance, we have whale meat,

624. and many Americans say, "Oh, I never eat whale."

625. I'd be happy to take care

626. of this diplomatic situation for you.

627. I'll be the official greeter for Iceland, in fact.

628. If you don't like fish,

629. if you're some kind of a vegetarian,

630. and you've got some sort of weird notions about whales,

631. get your candy ass back on the plane

632. and go to Disney World.

633. Thank you.

634. Thank you very much, Tony.

635. You will be near our hearts forever for that.

636. So there you go.

637. I'm gonna be held in the bosom of all Icelanders.

638. Mom will be so proud.

639. Iceland makes the claim

640. that its inhabitants live the longest lives on Earth.

641. And, well, I haven't seen anybody die since I got here,

642. so it's got to be true.

643. It's all in the mud-and-rub spa culture, Iceland-style.

644. Okay, this place has all the ambiance of that movie "Cocoon."

645. I was kind of hoping for a hip, swinging spa.

646. This is kind of a bummer.

647. This is actually a clinic that combines modern medical science

648. with Icelandic healthcare traditions.

649. Uh, what's the thick rubber glove for?

650. I hope that's for my producer.

651. He's into rubber.

652. Do you mind if I massage your glutes?

653. What's a glute?

654. With my glutes nice and tenderized,

655. I'm ready for the main event.

656. Ah, okay, slide in?

657. Yep.

658. Lean back? Yep.

659. Oh, yeah.

660. A certain element of trust is required in this operation.

661. It's like this dried out?

662. It would be basically solid, wouldn't it?

663. Yeah, you can see it in the other tub.

664. Oh, yeah?

665. So, if you forget and leave me in here,

666. that would probably not be a good thing?

667. No, that would never happen.

668. Well, you would say that.

669. Now, before you go shoveling a bunch of dirt into your bathtub,

670. this is therapeutic mud,

671. special mud made with Icelandic volcanic ash

672. and a splash of geothermal water.

673. I'll be just satiny smooth after this.

674. My skin will be lovely and emolliated, like J. Lo's butt...

675. Soft, supple...

676. And moist.

677. What is with the rubber gloves in this place?

678. Yeah, he's done.

679. Okay, I feel like a loaf of well-baked bread.

680. Take most of the clay off you.

681. You mean I can't go home like this?

682. I feel like I'm in the Blue Man Group.

683. Now I feel kind of like a Zagnut bar — a little crunchy.

684. There's little bits in inappropriate places.

685. When in doubt, wrap the tourist in sheets and blankets,

686. put him in a dark room,

687. and play him the miracle pan flute of Zamfir.

688. Here's mud in your eye...

689. And up your ass.

690. That was nice.

691. Ready for a cigarette and a beer.

692. Oh, yeah, that was a great scene — riveting.

693. You get to see my scrawny ass and bony concave chest again.

694. Wasn't that fascinating? See Tony lie in mud.

695. See Tony wallow in mud.

696. Oh, that was just magically invigorating and healthy.

697. Next scene, you get to see a high colonic.

698. Hey, maybe you'll get to see me clean a bedpan.

699. Healthy, organic, and pure.

700. You'll notice, by the way,

701. anytime you hear the word "purity"

702. come up too often in conversation,

703. the sound of jackboots can't be far behind.

704. Who knew mud baths would make me so... angry?

705. I feel like drinking just out of spite at this point.

706. Hey, health boy, suck this.

707. You know, there's still hope.

708. We could run over Richard Gere on the way back home.

709. I've had my fill of healthy.

710. I'm looking to go unhealthy, spitefully unhealthy.

711. Mmm!

712. That's good tobacco.

713. What time is it?

714. Who knows?

715. Who cares?

716. It doesn't really make any difference, does it?

717. That's not good.

718. I will not deny that the lack of sunlight

719. alters one's state of mind...

720. which may explain the fact that 80% of Icelanders

721. accept the possibility that elves, gnomes, and pixies exist.

722. Or were those trolls?

723. Suddenly, I feel like a Toll House cookie...

724. Or a Tom Cruise movie —

725. He's a short little fellow.

726. Now, I'm not a huge fan of many traditions,

727. but Iceland does have a little social activity

728. that's key in surviving the winter.

729. It's called runtur...

730. a marathon bar-nightclub crawl that's a Saturday-night must.

731. Now, this is a tradition I can get behind.

732. You got to start downtown.

733. Up all night and drinking — I can do that.

734. Yes, I'm good at this.

735. The fermented shark here, do you eat it?

736. I've tried it.

737. Do you like it?

738. It's good. Yeah, it's okay.

739. You're a lying sack of

740. This guy's telling me the shark meat's alarming taste

741. has something to do with the high concentration

742. of waste product in the animal's tissue.

743. So, it's basically marinated in urine,

744. that's what you're telling me?

745. Wow, that explains the taste.

746. The chefs at the hotel have put up some kind of announcement

747. on the national chef website,

748. so every culinary goon, chef, and cook seems to have shown up

749. to get hammered, gossip, and behave badly.

750. Hey, there's my old friend Siggi from Vox restaurant.

751. And there's Bjorn.

752. And, hey, there's Jon, the Thorrablot guy.

753. The sheep heads were too much for me.

754. After hauling fermented fish and testicles

755. out of vats of acid all day, I'll bet he needs a drink...

756. Or seven.

757. Goodbye, America!

758. Yeah!

759. Whoo-hoo!

760. Oh, yeah, he's looking fresh.

761. Siggi may work at one of the best restaurants in the country,

762. but he knows where to find the good stuff

763. after a few cocktails.

764. You work at the best restaurant in Iceland.

765. But what's the most popular restaurant?

766. It's probably the hot dog place.

767. Ah, yes, in the midst of a heavy night of drinking,

768. I'm glad to see that even Icelanders

769. seek out the comfort of the good old hot dog.

770. I've got to have one with — what do I say?

771. I want a hot dog with everything?

772. You're ordering for me.

773. Yeah, okay.

774. Ketchup, there's mustard,

775. there's like curry sauce.

776. Yeah.

777. Remoulade and crunchy...

778. You're gonna say, "With everything."

779. You're gonna love that. With everything.

780. Yeah, that's a good-looking dog.

781. Cheers, dude.

782. Oh, that's good.

783. This is not only good, this is the best.

784. This is typical lunatics.

785. Sleep with me?

786. Paris Hilton got famous doing that.

787. So, our former President Clinton ate here two weeks

788. before his heart blew a gasket,

789. and he had to have open-heart surgery?

790. That's the mark of quality.

791. I feel a little pain in my ch—

792. It hurts so good.

793. That's one serious dog.

794. 2:00 a.m., and things don't seem to be slowing down.

795. If I haven't met you already, hey.

796. So, do all the chefs in Iceland know each other?

797. Yeah.

798. Pretty much.

799. Hey, guys, don't you know the guy?

800. Alain Boudin!

801. Well, close enough.

802. In case you haven't noticed,

803. people like to drink in this country.

804. What's up, man?

805. Alain Boudin!

806. For example, this guy —

807. This guy likes to drink in this country.

808. So, I've kind of lost count of bars at this point.

809. I get the general impression from my fellow solid citizens,

810. it's gonna be a long... long... long... night.

811. And so we are almost at the point

812. where we say, "adieu" to Iceland.

813. Let us only hope... the last scene of this show

814. is not me curled up in a shivering fetal position

815. on a cold tile floor.

816. This country is rife

817. with volcanic activity and steam vents.

818. And I say that's a good thing, a very good thing,

819. because Icelanders have harnessed all that hot goodness

820. and have been hot tubbing longer than any other people on Earth.

821. And, well, swimming hole number one is the blue lagoon.

822. Hi, I'm Anthony Bourdain for "Playboy After Dark."

823. Come on in.

824. This reminds me when me and Peter Lawford and Bill Cosby

825. used to hang out over at Hef's place — swinging.

826. Hef has nothing on these folks.

827. Made up of 2/3 salt water and 1/3 freshwater,

828. the water in the blue lagoon is high in silica and algae,

829. substances known for their natural healing powers.

830. It's 104 degrees of simmering goodness.

831. When you wake up feeling like you're really just not sure

832. whether you want to curl up into a fetal ball and start crying,

833. projectile-vomit.

834. The Icelandic thing to do is go to the blue lagoon

835. and marinate in a volcanic hot tub heated by a geyser...

836. and drink more.

837. Conveniently located on the way to the airport, by the way.

838. Okay, if I get a beer in me,

839. I just might make it onto that plane.

840. Oh, waiter!

841. It's Santori time.

842. Life would be just perfect

843. if only I had a floating beer caddy.

844. Keep these coming.

845. I had a great time here,

846. but it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

847. I have a couple of changes for that tourism film.

848. There is a country in Europe...

849. Yeah, and it's called Iceland for a reason.

850. That mild winter weather

851. is sometimes interrupted by ferocious blizzards.

852. Sorry about that.

853. Hey, no problem.

854. There's fun to be had —

855. dogsledding on glaciers,

856. horsey rides across the frozen tundra...

857. Ohh! Right in the nuts!

858. Pervert.

859. And don't forget about the exquisite lamb.

860. Oh, yeah, I think I ate that guy's

861. A true Icelandic delicacy...

862. Not to mention some of the more tart nuts

863. available on the planet.

864. The strong men train by day, and the beer flows freely at night.

865. I practically threw up on the breakfast nook.

866. A kill-yourself hangover? No problem.

867. Take a refreshing dip in the blue lagoon.

868. Iceland...

869. The way a cold, dark, wintry short vacation should be.

870. Welcome to Iceland —

871. vacation wonderland!

872. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

873. Actually, I did — immensely.

874. Thanks.