1. Greetings from Impetago's,
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2. where all the stars
have turned out
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3. for the celebrity gala
of the year.
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4. Let's see who's here.
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5. You gonna blast this one
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6. like you blasted
all these others before?
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7. I ain't the way
I was before.
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8. Columbus understood
that the Earth wasn't flat,
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9. like this.
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10. Or this.
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11. Or this.
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12. Au contraire, Columbus knew
the Earth was round, like this.
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13. Care for any dessert, sir?
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14. Well, this will be
a beginning.
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15. You just never know
who'll turn up
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16. at a star-stuffed shindig
like this one.
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17. Yup, you never know
who'll turn up.
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18. Especially uninvited.
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19. Mm, these cheese balls
are delicious.
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20. Please, sir,
may I have some more?
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21. More?
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22. Say no more, sister sibling.
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23. Oh, hello.
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24. Uh... hi.
Yakko Warner.
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25. Pleased to meet you, Yakko.
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26. Name's Francis Pumphandle,
but everyone calls me Pip.
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27. Great cheese balls,
huh, Pip?
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28. I'll say.
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29. Cheese balls are one
of my all-time favorite foods.
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30. I always seem to meet
the most interesting people
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31. when I'm around them too.
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32. In fact, cheese balls
bring to mind
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33. the time I met Bob Barker.
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34. You don't say.
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35. Yes, indeed.
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36. Bob Barker,
star of the most popular
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37. morning game show.
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38. He's an emcee,
a host and a celebrity,
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39. all rolled into one.
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40. Anyway, eight months ago,
it was Tuesday the 17th,
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41. I believe—
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42. Or it might have been the 18th.
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43. No, no,
it was definitely the 17th,
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44. because it was
precisely one week
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45. after my aunt
Lucretia's birthday,
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46. which is the 10th.
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47. Aunt Lucretia's
quite a woman.
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48. Loves to cook.
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49. She prepares
a fabulous wor shu op.
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50. That's a Chinese
duck dish.
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51. I love Chinese food.
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52. I once went to a party
where they served
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53. Chinese food
and cheese balls.
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54. Now, that was
a Catch-22 situation.
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55. Catch-22 was a movie,
you know.
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56. It was long,
very long.
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57. They say
the book was better,
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58. but it was a novel,
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59. and I never finish
reading those things.
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60. Well, isn't that interesting?
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61. Of course, a lot of people
don't read much nowadays.
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62. They watch television.
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63. I caught a program
on PBS last night.
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64. A very good show on chimpanzees.
What took so long?
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65. Is Michelle Pfeiffer out there?
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66. Never mind, there's a person
up here you gotta meet.
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67. Mel Gibson?
Close.
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68. But it was Fred's
chimpanzee's girlfriend
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69. that had me stumped.
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70. I couldn't remember her name,
so I looked it up.
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71. Her name was
Phoebe B. Beebee.
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72. Dot Warner, this is
Francis Pumphandle, but—
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73. Everyone calls me Pip.
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74. Anyway, as I was saying,
eight months ago,
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75. Tuesday the 17th...
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76. I'm going to hurt
my brother badly.
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77. I love to relax.
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78. In fact, relaxing
is a pastime of mine.
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79. Some people play golf,
others like tennis,
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80. horseshoes, Bridge, Canasta,
and other such fancy hobbies.
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81. Wakko Warner,
meet Pip. Bye!
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82. Charmed to meet ya.
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83. Now, another hobby
enjoyed by many is knitting.
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84. My grandmother
was a great knitter.
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85. Knitted this sweater
I'm wearing.
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86. It's red, which is not
my favorite color.
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87. I prefer mauve
or mustard yellow.
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88. Now, don't get me wrong,
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89. red is okay for ties
and suspenders,
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90. but with sweaters,
I prefer more neutral colors.
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91. I have to go.
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92. But when I'm relaxing,
I don't care what wear.
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93. Long pants, Bermuda shorts,
T-shirts or formal attire.
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94. You name it, anything goes.
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95. Now, on the 17th,
during my relaxing stroll,
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96. I recall wearing
my herringbone jacket,
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97. my Laughlin, Nevada,
souvenir tie,
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98. and my charcoal-gray slacks.
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99. Or was it the navy slacks?
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100. Oh, I suppose it doesn't
really matter, does it?
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101. What matters is comfort.
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102. You know, I once stayed
at a Comfort Inn.
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103. Doggy bag, sir?
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104. Warm, cozy, comfortable.
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105. I love comfort.
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106. It goes along with that
pastime of mine, relaxing.
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107. Now, for me,
there's nothing more relaxing...
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108. Go away.
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109. than a nice,
leisurely stroll,
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110. like the one I took
eight months ago on the 17th.
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111. It was a bright,
sunny day.
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112. This man is scaring me.
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113. Which of course is
the optimum condition
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114. for relaxed strolling...
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115. I can't say
it hasn't been grand, Pip,
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116. because it hasn't.
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117. We gotta run. Bye!
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118. I kept humming and humming
and humming and humming.
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119. I couldn't get the tune
out of my head.
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120. Retreat!
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121. We'd love to stay
and count our brain cells
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122. as they die, one by one.
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123. But we can't.
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124. Gotta go.
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125. Bye!
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126. I'd always wanted
to play an instrument,
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127. and be like my hero, Leo Sayer.
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128. Free at last! Free at last!
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129. Thank—
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130. But who can compete
with Leo?
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131. I think I was just scared
that I'd fail.
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132. Well, I decided
right then and there
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133. to go buy
a musical instrument.
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134. So on the particular Tuesday,
the 17th,
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135. to which was referring,
I went down
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136. to the Sixth Street
Music Emporium
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137. to buy a new tambourine.
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138. A terribly soothing instrument,
contrary to popular opinion.
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139. And as I was strolling along
I detected a wonderful scent
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140. in the morning air.
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141. "What could it be?"
I asked myself.
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142. Silence?
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143. So I went toward
that marvelous scent,
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144. distracted by its aroma
from my musical mission.
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145. The odor was a mix
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146. of orchid flowers
and bologna,
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147. which of course is
one of the world's
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148. most underappreciated
luncheon meats.
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149. That and pimento loaf.
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150. I love a good pimento loaf
and mayo sandwich.
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151. The more pimentos, the better.
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152. Why, just the mention
of pimentos
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153. makes my tastebuds
stand up and say, "Howdy."
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154. Now there's
an interesting word: howdy.
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155. Is it from, "How are you?"
or maybe, "How you doing?"
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156. "Howdy" is one
of those strange words
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157. that really has no origin.
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158. I like saying, "How do?"
more than, "Howdy."
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159. More formal, I think.
Not too flowery.
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160. But the flowery aroma
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161. of that particular
Tuesday morning
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162. carried me
on my fragrant quest.
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163. Adiós.
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164. Arrivederci.
Au revoir.
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165. Sayonara.
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166. Aloha oi.
Oi vei.
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167. Home sweet home.
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168. Now, the smell was actually
less bologna and more orchid,
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169. the beautiful flower found
on the island state of Hawaii.
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170. Of course, I wasn't in Hawaii,
so I needed to search out
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171. the location
of the nearest orchid.
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172. So I visited every
florist shop in town.
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173. Well, to make
a long story short,
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174. not a single flower shop in town
had any orchids in stock,
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175. which seemed
mighty curious to me.
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176. Now, as we all know,
curiosity killed the cat,
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177. but since I'm not feline,
I wasn't too worried.
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178. Felines are funny creatures,
don't you think?
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179. I had a cat once.
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180. It used its claws to tear
my living room couch to shreds.
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181. It was a comfy couch too.
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182. Had a sleep-away bed in it,
with a foam-rubber mattress.
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183. Now, I bought the couch
and the mattress
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184. at Levine's department store
on 3rd Ave.
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185. The very same afternoon of that
relaxing stroll aforementioned.
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186. I also bought myself
a lovely tambourine
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187. on that same
shopping expedition.
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188. Anyway I didn't wanna pay extra
for the delivery of the couch,
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189. so I decided to carry
the couch home myself.
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190. It was quite cumbersome.
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191. And getting it through
the store's revolving doors
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192. was a bit of a challenge.
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193. And just as I emerged
onto the street,
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194. by accident I bumped
into a well-dressed man
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195. with an orchid in his lapel.
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196. It was Bob Barker,
and he was eating
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197. a bologna
and cheese-ball sandwich.
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198. Well, it's been nice
chatting with you.
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199. All
Huh?
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200. Bye.
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201. It's too quiet.
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202. I miss him.
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203. Pip, wait!
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204. Pip, come back!
Tell us another story.
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205. Please, I wanna learn more
about bologna.
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206. Did you ever meet
Don Knotts?
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207. Oh, tell us!
Please do!
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