American Vandal 2x5

1. You have a beautiful home. Thanks.

2. Ah, you'll be sitting here. Okay.

3. If you don't mind. Thank you so much.

4. So, we're just curious as to why you went to the police about Kevin.

5. I didn't do it out of spite.

6. I mean, I wasn't setting out to ruin Kevin's life.

7. I saw what I saw and I know he did it.

8. And I've known Kevin for a long time. When he gets his mind set on something,

9. there's no stopping him.

10. I felt a responsibility to stop him.

11. Look...

12. Kevin and I used to be like brothers.

13. And now he won't take any of my calls,

14. I'm pretty sure he blocked me on everything.

15. It's like our friendship never existed.

16. And then there's Chloe.

17. Ever since I went to the police, she won't even talk to me.

18. All because Kevin went crazy and did that Turd Burglar stuff.

19. What if Kevin didn't do it?

20. We wanted to sit down with you because of something Sam discovered.

21. So, just bear with me here while we explain this.

22. So, for each of the crimes,

23. the Turd Burglar would post warning post and an aftermath post.

24. The aftermath post is a close-up of the device

25. used to have committed the crime.

26. We're calling those "delivery devices."

27. So, the lemonade dispenser, the piñata, the T-shirt launcher,

28. - those are all delivery devices. - Uh-huh.

29. Okay, so, on November 30th,

30. we first have a warning post warning of a December 4th crime.

31. Then, on December 4th, we have another post

32. of the advent calendar,

33. which also seemed to warn of a fourth crime.

34. The thing is, we have no evidence

35. of a fourth crime happening, so we just thought that it never happened.

36. But to us, this December 4th post is actually an aftermath post.

37. Because that's no ordinary advent calendar.

38. That's the custom one from the teachers' lounge,

39. which, as you know, no students are allowed in,

40. but I saw it with my own two eyes.

41. How did you get into the teachers' lounge?

42. They're really— They're super strict about letting students in.

43. Fearless journalism. I don't know.

44. We were just interviewing Ms. Montgomery. Anyway.

45. So, if that advent calendar is a delivery—

46. - If this was a delivery device... - Right.

47. Then...?

48. Then there was a fourth crime.

49. Precisely.

50. You think there was a fourth crime?

51. Maybe.

52. And we actually spoke with the faculty,

53. and this advent calendar isn't even placed in the teachers' lounge until December,

54. and Kevin was placed under house arrest in November.

55. In fact, his ankle monitor went on on November 30th,

56. and it wouldn't allow him within 100 yards of the school.

57. Well, then...

58. That's it.

59. - This looks good for you, Kevin. - Right?

60. How would you feel if you maybe accused your best friend

61. of something he didn't do?

62. I-I'd feel terrible.

63. I'd feel terrible.

64. If a crime did take place on December 4th,

65. it would change everything.

66. It would place the Turd Burglar still at large,

67. still actively targeting the school

68. after Kevin was expelled and put on house arrest.

69. It would exonerate Kevin.

70. But it would also raise more questions.

71. What exactly happened in the teachers' lounge?

72. And why was it never reported?

73. Who was involved?

74. We figured the best place to start was to talk to the C-Hall janitor,

75. whose duties include cleaning the teachers' lounge.

76. My first day was December 6th. It was a really quick hire.

77. I have no idea why that last guy left.

78. Could have been 'cause of all the shit.

79. Who knows?

80. So we learned that the former C-Hall janitor

81. quit on December 5th.

82. If there was a fourth poop crime in the teachers' lounge the day before,

83. his exit starts to look suspicious.

84. It's also worth noting

85. that his departure was felt throughout the student body,

86. because the former C-Hall janitor

87. had quite a reputation of his own.

88. Okay, do it.

89. I can't believe we lost Hot Janitor.

90. Oh, Hot Janitor?

91. Everyone loves him, especially the girls,

92. 'cause he's hot.

93. You'd never think that mopping would be hot

94. but, like, when he does it...

95. Fuck.

96. All the girls were obsessed with him, but I never really saw it.

97. But there is one day where someone vomited and he was mopping that up...

98. I consider myself, for my age, you know, not bad looking,

99. but apparently this was guy was all that, you know?

100. It wouldn't be appropriate for a teacher

101. to say that he's a ten.

102. But you know, he's at least a nine.

103. Say Steve Harvey did a Family Feud questionnaire,

104. and they asked the girls at school, "Who would you smash?"

105. I feel like I would definitely be the top choice,

106. with, like, 49 points, and then a close follow-up

107. would be, like, 24 points and that'd definitely be Hot Janitor.

108. Changing the whole janitor game.

109. I never found out what his real name was,

110. so I ended up never calling him anything,

111. 'cause I certainly was never going to call him Hot Janitor.

112. Hot Janitor was a distraction.

113. People would top what they were doing and watch that guy.

114. He was muscular.

115. So, we have our first piece of evidence

116. that proves that there actually was a fourth crime

117. - that took place on December 4th. Yeah.

118. The C-Hall janitor quit on December 5th.

119. That cannot be a coincidence.

120. No, I don't think so either. I think something definitely went down

121. in the teachers' lounge on December 4th with that advent calendar.

122. It's saying a lot, because he stayed after the Brownout.

123. He did. And the Poop Piñata and the Shit Launcher.

124. So whatever this fourth crime was had to have been fucking disgusting.

125. The only way we're going to figure out exactly what happened

126. - is if we track down the C-Hall janitor. - That's where things get weird,

127. 'cause I looked him up on social media, not a thing came up.

128. Like, nothing at all.

129. That is weird. The guy has zero digital fingerprint.

130. He's off the grid.

131. And I even asked the other janitors for his phone number,

132. - the number's disconnected. - Huh.

133. You think he's hiding?

134. Hot Janitor is one of the most documented people at St. Bernardine,

135. but surprisingly little is known about him.

136. Nobody knows very much about him.

137. Like his name or where he comes from or anything.

138. Which is too bad.

139. But it's also really hot.

140. The Hot Janitor was looking like another dead end.

141. Understandably, he didn't reveal much about his personal life at school.

142. But thankfully

143. we learned of someone who had a relationship with Hot Janitor

144. outside of school.

145. [Lil K] Hot Janitor's cool.

146. My brother gets his mushrooms from Hot Janitor,

147. which makes him my mushroom connection.

148. Which is awesome

149. because we needed them for Bumbershoot.

150. It was dope.

151. We were peaking during Major Lazer.

152. The sale of psychedelic mushrooms to David Kaczmarowski's older brother

153. led us to the woods of Sultan, Washington,

154. an hour from St. Bernardine.

155. These are lichens.

156. What's a lichen?

157. Well, it's kind of like an epiphyte.

158. It grows on some of the Doug firs and the other trees around here,

159. but it blows out in some of the high winds during storms,

160. so I try to collect it and put it back, you know.

161. You put it back in the tree?

162. Yeah, I mean, that's where it wants to be.

163. I've been here for a few years now. It's almost totally off-grid.

164. I grow most of my own food.

165. This is mostly cool season annuals in here.

166. I've got some violas and pansies and stuff that attract pollinators,

167. and then I've got some kale here, it's Brassica oleracea.

168. This black kale here is really lovely.

169. It's got a great texture, really good flavor.

170. You want to try some?

171. I'm good. Thank you.

172. Actually, we came here to ask you

173. why you quit your custodial job at St. Bernardine.

174. No, I didn't quit.

175. No, I got transferred to St. B's sister school, St. Mary's.

176. - Transferred by who? - Mrs. Wexler.

177. But it's cool. I landed in the tall grass.

178. I got a sweet little raise, it's a faster commute.

179. It's good vibes all around over there.

180. Actually, we wanted to know

181. exactly what happened on your last day, December 4th.

182. Oh, man.

183. That was a disaster.

184. It was a huge mess.

185. How so?

186. It was teachers' lounge, second period.

187. Two people threw up that day.

188. How do you know it was two?

189. Well, it was two piles of vomit with different consistencies, you know?

190. One yacked right into the plant.

191. We tried to save it, but it died.

192. And then the next one,

193. they barfed right into the sink next to the coffee station

194. like it was urgent.

195. Probably trying to keep a clean, which I appreciate,

196. except that cleaning throw up out of a sink is harder than you might think.

197. There's a lot of scooping involved and it was chunky.

198. So it got me thinking, you know,

199. what could be making these teachers throw up?

200. And that's when I found it.

201. It was like this half-eaten chocolate on the floor.

202. I'm pretty sure a teacher took a candy out of the advent calendar,

203. but what was inside wasn't nougat

204. and it wasn't caramel.

205. It was cat shit coated in chocolate.

206. Oh my God.

207. I know, man.

208. I know it was the advent calendar,

209. 'cause Mrs. Wexler had me bleach the whole thing, man.

210. Wait, so, you only found one piece of candy on the floor?

211. - Yeah. - And why were there two piles of throw up?

212. It was probably, like, a sympathy vomit, right?

213. One person with a weak stomach,

214. couldn't really handle the sound or the smell or whatever

215. and they started barfing, too.

216. Do you know who was in the teachers' lounge at that time

217. or who threw up?

218. No, man, I have no idea. I mean, I wasn't there.

219. All I'm saying is

220. a teacher ate cat shit.

221. You know? Like, ate it.

222. - Fuck, that's gross. - Yeah.

223. These are the five teachers that we're possibly looking into.

224. Yes, because if you look at their schedules,

225. those were the five teachers that were free during second period

226. and could've been in the teachers' lounge.

227. Which means that there are five possible victims.

228. So which one of you ate shit? Hmm.

229. Mr. Bernstein and Mrs. Wallace

230. were off-campus on the 4th of December for an annual Kairos Retreat.

231. That left three potential shit-eating victims.

232. But when speaking to those teachers,

233. they didn't offer much help.

234. Mr. Fernandez, does anything about December 4th stand out to you

235. for any particular reason?

236. As far as I can recall,

237. there wasn't anything special about that day.

238. December 4th...

239. To the best of my recollection,

240. that was a pretty typical day.

241. That was a long time ago, but to the best of my memory,

242. I don't remember anything unusual happening.

243. So, all the teachers are claiming that they don't remember

244. anything happening on December 4th that nothing stood out.

245. "To the best of my recollection..." Um...

246. "To the best of my knowledge, nothing happened."

247. They all are kind of using the same exact kind of verbiage.

248. They all sound like Mrs. Wexler

249. from her initial email that she sent to us a while back.

250. Is it a coincidence that all three teachers

251. used the same non-committal language that Mrs. Wexler used

252. when we asked her about her meeting with Kevin?

253. Wait, so you think Mrs. Wexler is, you know, steering them?

254. I mean, it's possible. But there definitely was a fourth crime.

255. Whether or not Wexler order a cover-up is just speculation,

256. but as much as the teachers wanted us to believe that

257. to the best of their memory, December 4th was just a normal day,

258. we know that's simply not true.

259. The 4th wasn't an ordinary day,

260. because the Turd Burglar was threatening another crime.

261. Yeah, I remember December 4th because of that post.

262. We were bracing for the worst, waiting for another Turd Burglar attack.

263. Honestly, I thought classes would be canceled,

264. but it was just treated like a normal day.

265. I was low-key hoping for a poop crime on the 4th

266. because that's when are AP Calc midterms were in Fernandez's class.

267. Everyone in first period said the test was impossible.

268. So when no poop crime happened, I was obviously annoyed.

269. But we get to class and we had a sub.

270. Fernandez left halfway through the day.

271. On December 4th,

272. Fernandez leaves right after second period,

273. just before Hot Janitor was called to clean up the mess.

274. Take it slow. Just don't overthink it.

275. Mr. Fernandez?

276. Hey, is it okay if we ask you a few questions?

277. Awesome. Thank you so much.

278. So, um...

279. we're just trying to figure out exactly what took place

280. in the school on December 4th,

281. and in speaking with some of the faculty,

282. we realized that—

283. Actually, following the Turd Burglar's Instagram posts, you could see—

284. Mr. Fernandez, did you eat shit?

285. No, I did not eat shit.

286. I've told you, now, I'm busy here, guys.

287. I'm so sorry about that.

288. - Sam had a bit too much coffee— - I am busy, guys.

289. - Okay, sorry about that. - Get out!

290. Fuck! He totally ate shit.

291. If Fernandez really ate poop,

292. why would he deny it?

293. Wouldn't he want justice?

294. How was the school keeping him quiet?

295. And what did he have to gain?

296. We had to wonder.

297. Did the school find a way to buy loyalty from Mr. Fernandez?

298. Every year, a select group of students and faculty

299. embark on a Gifts of the Lamb trip to Costa Rica.

300. The kids do a lot of good for the community.

301. The first place we go is an orphanage,

302. and you see little kids running around, they got dirty feet.

303. They got dirt floors and, like, mud houses and stuff,

304. and it's, like, it's kind of sad. I mean, I was a little depressed for 'em.

305. But then we left the poor people part, and the hotel was crazy, like...

306. Yo, the hotel was lit.

307. It's a total joke. We spend, like, two hours painting a shitty shack,

308. and then we stay at this sick resort.

309. The hotel is ridiculous.

310. My parents won't pay for spring break,

311. but they'll pay for Gifts of the Lamb.

312. It's just as good.

313. We help a lot of poor people out.

314. Charity, charity!

315. And some of them actually work at the hotel,

316. so they kind of help us out too.

317. You know, like, cleaning towels and all that.

318. I think we did some really good things there,

319. but I don't remember any of it.

320. [guy #2] All the guys on the team get to go.

321. We gotta do a little charity work, but then we can just kick back,

322. watch porn in the Jacuzzi, straight up.

323. It's dope, man.

324. Every bathroom in the hotel had a bidet, right?

325. So, a bidet is like...

326. you got your regular toilet, then you got a bidet toilet.

327. A bidet shoot, like, a water stream up your ass.

328. Now, it sound a little gay,

329. but it's not at all.

330. It's hella clean and it's hella tight.

331. It's a vacation for everyone, yeah.

332. You know, for the teachers, even.

333. It's so popular.

334. We literally hold a lottery to determine

335. who lands the lucky spot as chaperone.

336. We pretend it's not a big deal,

337. but as soon as Mrs. Wexler decides who it's gonna be,

338. when she posts it on that activities board,

339. we are racing over to find out who won.

340. The Gifts of the Lamb trip always features four chaperones.

341. But this year, there was an exception.

342. The selection process, quite frankly,

343. is a little mysterious.

344. I was bummed that my name wasn't on the list,

345. but neither was Mr. Fernandez.

346. Then they revised the list, and there he was.

347. So this is what I think happened.

348. I think that Miss Wexler moved Hot Janitor

349. an hour away to St. Mary's, right?

350. - Moved him around like a rape-y priest. - Exactly.

351. Then all the teachers that were in the lounge,

352. she told them all to be quiet and coached their responses.

353. And then finally,

354. she rigs the Gifts of the Lamb retreat for Fernandez.

355. Huh. Gave him a nice, free, little vacation to keep his mouth shut.

356. - Exactly. - Well, almost free.

357. - He did eat poop. - Exactly.

358. So, everyone who knew about the crime,

359. she found a way to keep quiet.

360. There is clear evidence of a cover-up here, Sam.

361. There has to be a fourth crime.

362. Mr. Fernandez pulls a chocolate-covered cat poop from the advent calendar

363. - and eats it.

364. - He immediately throws up in the plant.

365. After seeing him vomit,

366. either Mr. Gesualdi or Sister Ruth throws up in the sink

367. Shortly after,

368. Hot Janitor gets called in to clean up the mess.

369. The school was under a lot of pressure to find the Turd Burglar,

370. and that all went away when Kevin was arrested.

371. Admitting that the Turd Burglar was still at large

372. and that Kevin's confession was forced,

373. would have gotten Mrs. Wexler and the school

374. a lot of negative attention.

375. Perhaps that's why this fourth crime

376. was swept under the rug.

377. There was a fourth crime.

378. Precisely.

379. Wexler knew that there was a crime

380. on December 4th.

381. It was a rare moment of hope for Kevin.

382. Vindication felt within reach.

383. His freedom,

384. his life outside house arrest,

385. all of it felt so close.

386. There is a chance the Horsehead Collective

387. might be able to perform at the Gilbert bar mitzvah.

388. I was worried I'd have to decline because of the ankle monitor but...

389. Let's not ahead of ourselves yet. We still have a lot of work to do.

390. But I've seen this kind of hope before,

391. and I know that without definitive proof,

392. hope means nothing.

393. We still needed confirmation that a fourth poop crime happened.

394. Obviously Mrs. Wexler declined to sit down with us.

395. But luckily,

396. she does meet with students during office hours.

397. - Oh. That's okay. - Sorry.

398. - Say something for me. - Hmm... Something.

399. - Yeah. - Okay.

400. All right. And if you feel like she's on to you at any moment

401. and you feel uncomfortable and you want to just bail,

402. - we totally get it. - Guys, I got this, okay?

403. - All right. - You got this.

404. Yeah.

405. Okay.

406. Good luck in there.

407. Can you guys hear me?

408. I think she's on the phone.

409. Oh, she's coming.

410. - Hi, Chloe. - Hi.

411. - You have a schedule change? - Yes. Hmm...

412. - Come on in. - All right, thanks.

413. You can take a seat right over there.

414. I'll look up your transcript.

415. What's your conflict?

416. Um... Well, I...

417. Actually, Mrs. Wexler,

418. I'm here to talk about the teachers' lounge.

419. I know there was a fourth Turd Burglar crime.

420. We know that Mr. Fernandez left halfway through the day

421. and that Hot Janitor found a piece of cat poop on the floor—

422. Does that have something to do with adjusting your winter schedule?

423. Well, I mean...

424. So, if the crime happened in December,

425. well, then it proves that Kevin couldn't have done it, because—

426. Chloe...

427. Because he wasn't on school grounds—

428. Kevin confessed. Okay? He confessed.

429. But he couldn't have done it. He was on house arrest by then,

430. and it just proves he didn't do anything—

431. Chloe... Chloe, I'm not your enemy.

432. But if a fourth crime occurred,

433. it sounds like what you're telling me is that...

434. one of Kevin's friends helped him out.

435. I don't think it's in your best interest for us

436. to start looking at who might have conspired with him.

437. Um...

438. Is that a threat, Mrs. Wexler?

439. You need to understand,

440. these are felony charges we're talking about, here.

441. So you might want to rethink having this conversation right now.

442. Is that it?

443. Without definitive proof,

444. hope means nothing.

445. And Kevin realized

446. that Mrs. Wexler wasn't going to give us the confirmation we needed.

447. Perhaps nobody was.

448. Well, then it's over.

449. And now I'm taking down the people that I care about with me.

450. - Oh my God. I felt for Kevin.

451. When your hopes are high,

452. the fall is twice as hard.

453. No one wants me back at school.

454. - That's not true! - It is, Peter.

455. DeMarcus has the whole school in his corner.

456. I-I...

457. I have no one.

458. Everybody sees me as this island.

459. Like I don't need anything from anyone.

460. I feel like I'm sinking.

461. You know, I know I can be difficult.

462. Amen!

463. That's why my grandma's always up my ass, and...

464. probably why Wexler hates me.

465. It's why my mom left, probably.

466. It's been a hard couple of years, Peter.

467. Oh!

468. And worst of all,

469. I now have to officially decline the Gilbert bar mitzvah. Shit.

470. Myles said there were gonna be so many older cousins there.

471. Hey, the smell is gone.

472. Oh, is this the Doomhammer you were saving up for?

473. It is.

474. It'd be totally impractical in actual combat,

475. but whatever.

476. Really? It's really heavy. I feel like it could do a lot of damage.

477. I regret the purchase.

478. I heard what you did, Chloe.

479. And I appreciate the effort. It, uh...

480. It... It-it was a "noble" effort.

481. You're welcome.

482. I need you to stop.

483. They made up their mind. They're not going to change their mind.

484. So, there's just no use you going down with me.

485. What?

486. No, I'm, like...

487. I'm not stopping.

488. Come on, we are so close to exposing—

489. We aren't, Chloe.

490. And frankly, I don't really know

491. why you're pretending to care so much all of a sudden.

492. - Kevin, we're friends. - Are we?

493. You haven't been here in months.

494. Wow.

495. Do you know what I've had to do for you?

496. I called out DeMarcus for you.

497. And now my teammates hate me and I'm on Mrs. Wexler's shit list.

498. Nothing?

499. Okay.

500. I'm gonna leave.

501. Just have fun with your little fucking pity party.

502. At least I'm trying to help you.

503. Hi, you've reached Peter Maldonado of PM Productions.

504. Please leave me a message and I'll give you a call right back.

505. Peter, it's Kevin.

506. I've been thinking about the teachers' lounge.

507. My locker, B-542,

508. it's directly across from the teachers' lounge.

509. The combination is 26-37-23.

510. I thought that perhaps if you put a camera inside of the locker

511. that you could record

512. the daily activity, the ins-and-outs, of the teachers' lounge.

513. Also, it occurred to me that

514. I perhaps have seemed a tad bit ungrateful

515. for what you've done, and Sam and Chloe,

516. and that's not true.

517. I am grateful.

518. So, yeah.

519. I hope that the vantage point from my locker

520. can be useful in your finding the true Turd Burglar.