American Vandal 2x4

1. What about...

2. "Why are you doing this?"

3. - No, hey, whoa. Delete that. - Why?

4. You can't just ask him why he's doing this.

5. We need something stronger. Come on.

6. "Bold move, DeMarcus."

7. - What? No. - Yeah.

8. Okay, first off, that's way too big of a jump, okay?

9. And second off, you don't type in the app, dude.

10. - You draft in the Notes app. - Yeah, you're right.

11. Everyone knows that. That way you don't see dot-dot-dot.

12. Good point. What about this?

13. "Shitty job or not, if you're reaching out to us,

14. then you must have something you want to say."

15. - That could get him to talk. Yeah. I like that.

16. Yeah? Okay. - For sure, yeah.

17. How about this? "Shitty job or not, if you're reaching out to us,

18. you must have something to say, so say it."

19. Maybe the "so say it" is too aggressive.

20. - I think it's too aggressive. - Not at all, I love that.

21. If anything, it should be, "If you're reaching out to us,

22. you must have something to say, so say it, bitch."

23. - That's too much. - That's way too much.

24. Do it without it, but that's, like, what it sounds like.

25. Okay, "You must have something to say, so say it."

26. Send it, dude.

27. - All right, now we just wait. - Is it sent?

28. Okay.

29. Hmm.

30. Dude, he messaged back.

31. Huh?

32. "Meet me at 47.9."

33. Look, dude, those are coordinates.

34. Those are coordinates.

35. Okay, tell— Tell him we're coming then. Let's go.

36. Oh, dude, look. Eww.

37. That's definitely poop, yeah.

38. I don't think he's here, man.

39. I'm gonna text him and tell him that we're here.

40. You know, we're within 150 meters of Kevin's house.

41. All right.

42. Oh, he responded.

43. What'd he say?

44. "Time to get your hands dirty, Peter."

45. - No way. Let me see. - Oh, no!

46. You think he hid something in there?

47. You should definitely dig to find out.

48. No, you dig.

49. - No, the message says... - Doesn't say who digs.

50. It says, "Time to get your hands dirty, Peter."

51. I'm gonna take a few steps back. Jeez.

52. That is way too big to be dog shit.

53. What the hell. There's...

54. There's nothing in here.

55. Yeah. - What was the point of this?

56. I think he just wanted you to dig through shit with chopsticks.

57. In the seven weeks after the Brownout,

58. the Turd Burglar avoided direct contact with everyone.

59. Ignoring DMs from the police...

60. To date, police say they have not yet been able to communicate with the culprit.

61. Other students...

62. A bunch of us tried to message him,

63. but he never DM'd or followed anyone back.

64. And over a dozen from myself.

65. It wasn't until I confronted DeMarcus in person

66. that the Turd Burglar decided to break the silence...

67. - ... reaching out to me the very next day

68. with four direct messages that led me to digging through poop.

69. That's definitely poop, yeah.

70. Does this sudden contact point to DeMarcus being the Turd Burglar?

71. 'Cause I'm Mr. Untouchable.

72. Could DeMarcus feel so untouchable...

73. I'm here for you, Pete!

74. Let me know when you need something! I'm an open book!

75. that even after I confronted him,

76. he would still taunt me through DMs

77. and agree to sit down for further interviews?

78. And if Kevin was the Turd Burglar,

79. why, after all we've done for him, would he make me dig through poop?

80. Either way,

81. having an open line of communication with the Turd Burglar...

82. Oh, he responded.

83. was an enormous victory.

84. Because while four DMs may not seem like a big deal,

85. it was adding to a growing pile of digital clues

86. that brought us closer to finding the Turd Burglar's identity.

87. Some of these digital clues are easy to interpret.

88. For instance, the Turd Burglar account

89. contains reposted pictures of the Brownout

90. with tags to dozens of students in the school.

91. I got tagged in a video by the Turd Burglar.

92. I got tagged in a video.

93. He knew just about everybody that shit themselves that day.

94. So we know that the Turd Burglar must be someone

95. with a working knowledge of the student body.

96. But some of these digital clues are harder to make sense of,

97. raising questions that we can't answer.

98. Like the Turd Burglar's final two posts.

99. One of Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo,

100. and one of an advent calendar

101. with the date December 4th.

102. They seem to be warning of a crime on the 4th that never took place,

103. and they were posted after Kevin was put on house arrest.

104. Okay, so I think Kevin posted these after he was put on house arrest

105. to make it look like he was innocent, like the Turd Burglar was still out there.

106. And since he was on house arrest, there was no aftermath post,

107. no evidence of a fourth crime,

108. because Kevin wasn't in school to do it.

109. You have to admit that that's still the strongest argument against Kevin.

110. Yeah, but you could also look at it the other way,

111. that he wouldn't warn of a crime knowing that he couldn't do it.

112. No, he's thinking we would think that,

113. and then he wouldn't do that, you know?

114. No, these are warning posts. Whoever posted these thought

115. they'd be able to pull off a crime and then failed.

116. That wouldn't be Kevin,

117. 'cause Kevin was already under house arrest at the time.

118. - So, you think DeMarcus? - Yes.

119. To me there's just so much against him.

120. He thought he could commit a fourth crime, but for some reason he failed.

121. Clearly, Sam and I couldn't agree

122. on whether the multiple December 4th warning posts

123. were more damning for Kevin or DeMarcus.

124. But there are plenty of other digital clues to break down.

125. For example,

126. did the Turd Burglar messages seem like they could be written

127. by DeMarcus Tillman?

128. Just look at the way the Turd Burglar talks.

129. "Time to remove the veil."

130. That doesn't sound like DeMarcus at all.

131. Like, at all.

132. And then, over here, um...

133. "Within the confines of this school, you'll find a lot of shitheads.

134. Yeah.

135. DeMarcus gets along with everybody at the school.

136. Sam's right. It doesn't sound like him.

137. I want all y'all to go home, get you some pussy.

138. Squeaky, go get your dick... Do whatever you do.

139. I love this dude, man. I love this dude even more.

140. I even love this dude. He tie his shoes like he work at Footlocker.

141. He doesn't think they're shitheads. Right.

142. And you're 100% right about that,

143. it doesn't sound like him, but you have to remember

144. that if it is DeMarcus,

145. he would be actively trying to not sound like himself.

146. He'd be trying to throw us, trying to throw his voice.

147. Individuals who are attempting to disguise their online presence

148. will alter their use of linguistic features.

149. This is common in the real world, in the way we use language.

150. We refer to these processes as "code switching" or "style shifting."

151. And we've seen code switching before

152. in very obvious ways.

153. With his Sir Fuxalot prank,

154. DeMarcus' idol, Perry Coleman,

155. would talk in Old English, saying things like,

156. "Sad that mine own mistress Paige Burton won't sucketh mine on dick."

157. And we've seen more subtle code switching

158. from DeMarcus' own texts and social media.

159. Look at these text messages.

160. When he talks to his Rainier Beach friends,

161. his, you know, his city friends, he uses his slang.

162. In responding to a message, he writes, "FRFR."

163. "For real, for real."

164. And then when you look at this message,

165. when he's talking to his St. Bernardine friends,

166. he responds saying, "Forsure."

167. So it's clear that DeMarcus can sound like different people.

168. I've known DeMarcus since we were little kids.

169. I'm— I mean, I don't want to say when he's at St. Bernardine

170. that he talks whiter, but he talks whiter.

171. It is what it is. We all gotta do it.

172. Yeah, I talk different to people here.

173. It's like, I'm not trying to say the n-word at St. Bernie's.

174. Like, one time I slipped up, right?

175. And I could just see their little white kids' gears turning.

176. They just looking at me.

177. In they eyes, I could read what they was thinking.

178. Like, "Can I say it next? Is it cool?" No.

179. Nope.

180. So it's clear that DeMarcus can sound like different people.

181. So if he can sound like different people in his text messages,

182. then he can sound like different people as the Turd Burglar.

183. It makes sense that DeMarcus would throw his voice to avoid detection.

184. But what if he made mistakes?

185. Could he have left traces of his own style

186. when writing as the Turd Burglar?

187. Look at this post from September 6th.

188. "Asian Josh puts a grimace emoji on my face.

189. It seems clear he meant to say,

190. "Asian Josh puts a smile on my face,"

191. but misused the emoji.

192. On November 2nd,

193. it seems like the Turd Burglar misused the same emoji

194. when he wrote,

195. "Grimace and say cheese."

196. Look at the way he uses the grimace face, those gritted teeth.

197. So what are the odds that two different people

198. both mistake the grimace for a smiley?

199. You have to admit that that looks bad.

200. The grimace face felt like a huge break,

201. an undeniable tie between DeMarcus and the Turd Burglar.

202. But that same grimace face

203. uncovered another fact.

204. A fact that I had to admit through gritted teeth of my own.

205. Yeah, I'll give you the grimace, but...

206. How do you explain the glitch?

207. DeMarcus...

208. didn't have the glitch.

209. In November of 2017,

210. iPhone users experienced a glitch when updating to iOS 11.1.

211. Well, there were, like, three weeks where it was super annoying.

212. I had to restructure my sentences.

213. I ended up talking in the third person like some kind of idiot.

214. It was like we were all talking in robot code for a week.

215. It was an issue specific to the keyboard.

216. Uppercase I would be autocorrected to the letter A

217. and a question mark in a box.

218. For example, if you were texting a friend,

219. "I was so drunk last night,"

220. it would read, "A? was so drunk last night."

221. This glitch caused a significant uproar in the iPhone community

222. and even sparked a series of memes.

223. We can see that on November 2nd,

224. the Turd Burglar had the Apple iOS glitch,

225. but DeMarcus didn't.

226. So the Turd Burglar posts

227. couldn't have been made from DeMarcus' phone.

228. I mean, I don't think DeMarcus would fake that.

229. That's next level code switching if he did.

230. No, you're right. I mean,

231. every single time I'm convinced that he's the Turd Burglar,

232. I come back to the fact that he doesn't have the glitch.

233. And why are we investigating him anyways?

234. Because Chloe supposedly saw the Turd Burglar card in his wallet?

235. That's no small thing.

236. She said that she saw the card. He's the Turd Burglar.

237. Okay, but Gonzo said it was just a yogurt card.

238. It wasn't the Turd Burglar card.

239. It was the Yummy Swirl Yogurt card.

240. Okay, but he's obviously lying to protect his teammate.

241. Sure, and Chloe could be lying too, dude.

242. It was DeMarcus Tillman.

243. Lying about what?

244. I saw the Turd Burglar card in there.

245. What, do you think she's involved in this?

246. Her service club alibi checked out, and she'd have to be crazy

247. to be letting us stay in her house if she was guilty!

248. - When did I say I thought she's involved? - Then what are you saying?

249. I think she's biased.

250. For reasons that I don't understand, 'cause Kevin kinda fuckin' sucks.

251. Sam brings up a good point.

252. Not about Kevin sucking,

253. but about Chloe having a reason to be biased.

254. Could she just be protecting a friend?

255. How deep do their roots run?

256. So, I met Kevin in the fourth grade.

257. Chloe was new at school that year.

258. I first took notice of her at recess.

259. She was by herself.

260. I decided to provide her with company.

261. We used to play Angry Birds all the time

262. on this old iPod Touch of mine.

263. It's a childish game, but we were young and...

264. it was quite a trip.

265. We just loved Angry Birds,

266. and we got really, really into it that whole year.

267. If ever we got stuck on something,

268. we would just blame the creators

269. and basically send prank emails to them.

270. It was pretty funny.

271. To a casual observer, we might have looked like lovebirds.

272. Ironic that it all started with us playing Angry Birds.

273. In my family,

274. we're a pretty traditional family,

275. and so by the time I was in sixth grade,

276. I knew it was either lawyer, doctor, or engineer for my future career.

277. And then one day,

278. Kevin overheard me singing.

279. She was singing "Party in the USA."

280. In public. Softly, but still.

281. That song is the bubonic plague of sound.

282. He turned around and he said

283. the nicest thing that Kevin is capable of saying.

284. I told her this.

285. "That song is an ocular catastrophe,

286. but you make it sound just perfect."

287. It's the truth. She did.

288. I googled "ocular" that night.

289. He used the word wrong, but it was really sweet.

290. I had always wanted to sing,

291. but I didn't really have the confidence to tell anyone.

292. But Kevin said I sounded perfect, so...

293. Yeah, Chloe!

294. Boo, everyone else!

295. I'm applying to the Berklee School of Music.

296. My singing coach thinks I have a real shot.

297. Her talent was undeniable.

298. I mean, without so much as an audition, I introduced her to Tanner.

299. It was just, she had to be in the band.

300. So, from fifth to eighth grade, it was, like, the three of them.

301. Then we all just started to realize that the Horsehead Collective, um...

302. that their music was shitty,

303. and they just drifted apart.

304. Yeah, and then I guess Chloe started to make more friends.

305. She made the basketball team.

306. I give Chloe credit for hanging out with Kevin as long as she did.

307. Chloe's cool.

308. And, I mean, Kevin, he's...

309. he's cool in his own way.

310. Hey, Fruit Ninja!

311. But, you know,

312. he's the Fruit Ninja.

313. We still hung out sometimes in high school.

314. I really enjoyed hanging out one-on-one,

315. but in groups he could be...

316. a little tough.

317. They hear "EDM" and they think "techno,"

318. but techno could not be farther from what good...

319. It got to the point where if Chloe was coming out...

320. we had to explicitly say not to invite Kevin.

321. It was alright that we didn't hang out as much anymore.

322. I mean, honestly, the Horsehead was evolving past vocals anyway.

323. I do feel guilty that I stopped inviting him to things,

324. but it just didn't seem like he wanted to go to anything.

325. So...

326. yeah.

327. So we're just confused about one thing, so just bear with me.

328. If you first saw the Turd Burglar card in DeMarcus' wallet on November 9th,

329. then why did you wait two weeks until November 22nd to say something?

330. The day after Kevin was expelled?

331. Because I...

332. I didn't want to snitch, I mean, on DeMarcus Tillman...

333. if I didn't have to.

334. I mean, you could've stopped two more Turd Burglar crimes.

335. - You see what we're saying? Yeah, it's...

336. It's just that...

337. I just— It didn't feel like, my place.

338. - You know? - Mm-hmm.

339. Until Kevin got accused.

340. Kevin, here's the thing. We know you did it.

341. I knew that he didn't do it and that's why I came forward.

342. Because you guys are friends... right?

343. Well, we're not even that close anymore.

344. It's more that...

345. Okay, if Kevin accused DeMarcus...

346. Okay. - And Kevin was actually the Turd Burglar,

347. I would have done the same thing.

348. If Chloe is lying about seeing the card in DeMarcus' wallet,

349. could the fact that DeMarcus didn't have the glitch

350. be enough to prove his innocence?

351. It seems like the Turd Burglar account

352. couldn't have been run through DeMarcus' phone.

353. But there's plenty of evidence supporting Kevin's innocence as well.

354. We know Kevin pooped himself.

355. We know he couldn't have bought maltitol from Dawsey's.

356. We also know that,

357. like DeMarcus,

358. Kevin didn't have the glitch.

359. I have an Android.

360. It's the superior machine.

361. If I wanted to be limited

362. to only the approved apps

363. available in the iTunes App Store,

364. I'd buy an iPhone.

365. The glitch threw us a curve ball.

366. For the first time, I had to ask myself:

367. What if the Turd Burglar wasn't Kevin McLean

368. or DeMarcus Tillman?

369. We had to widen our scope.

370. We know that the Turd Burglar

371. has a working knowledge of the student body,

372. so that's where we went next.

373. The student government's anonymous tip box

374. to see who else could have had a motive,

375. who else had the iOS glitch,

376. and who else could be a suspect.

377. So this tip box is what the student government did,

378. you know, when it was kind of desperate for anything,

379. and according to them, a lot of these are incredibly unhelpful.

380. But I think that there might be some gems in here,

381. so we're gonna go through these for the rest of the day,

382. and because of that I have dubbed today,

383. "Just the Tip Day."

384. Let's do un-useful and useful. We'll make two piles.

385. At first, it seemed like the student government was right.

386. Most were just crude jokes and drawings.

387. Yeah, see, this is an example of something that's definitely not useful.

388. "Your mom poops."

389. This is the second one for Russell Wilson. Do you know who that is?

390. Yeah, that's the quarterback for the Seahawks.

391. Oh.

392. So, yeah.

393. There's another Russell Wilson in there, though.

394. But then we started to see some recurring names,

395. including four students with five or more mentions.

396. We crosschecked these names with their social media

397. to see which of these potential suspects had the glitch.

398. Three of them did.

399. Paul Schnorrenberg, Diapey Drew, and Jenna Hawthorne.

400. We're going to take a closer look into these three people.

401. We'll start with those.

402. Drew Pankratz is a nice kid.

403. He's in all the plays.

404. He's that sort of dude where, like, all his friends were theater girls.

405. He's a theater kid who lives in the friend zone,

406. and when I got grounded for smoking dabs in my garage,

407. I let him take my girlfriend to Homecoming.

408. - 'Cause... it's Drew. He's like a brother to me.

409. My parents let him sleep over all the time.

410. Like, I can change in front of him.

411. That's how asexual the situation is.

412. The kid is no threat.

413. Or at least, that's what I thought.

414. And then the pictures came out.

415. Somebody posted them on the school message boards.

416. Everybody saw them.

417. Phew.

418. There were picture leaks of him in, like, diapers, with baby bottles.

419. I'm not sure if it's some sort of weird fetish.

420. I just really want to know who it was for.

421. Honestly, I thought he might be gay, and then I saw those pictures.

422. I guess— I don't know, I still don't know.

423. I was pushing myself as an actor.

424. It was just a diaper.

425. Just for a character, you know?

426. It wasn't some kink like everyone's saying.

427. I mean, I felt bad, because...

428. Drew's the nicest guy ever.

429. Honestly, I made it the background on my phone.

430. But those pictures were really funny.

431. When all the Turd Burglar stuff started happening,

432. I was like, "That's Drew getting back at us for all the diaper stuff."

433. And honestly, I wouldn't blame him.

434. ♪ Diapey Drew! ♪ I'm not the Turd Burglar.

435. I just want people to leave me alone.

436. Do you think that it's possible that Drew Pankratz

437. - could be the Turd Burglar? - No.

438. Drew Pankratz has a potentially strong motive.

439. And he had the glitch.

440. But he also has an alibi.

441. I know Drew Pankratz isn't the Turd Burglar, it's impossible.

442. During the fire drill, the one where the lemonade was contaminated,

443. he was here with me, in the library. He's always reading,

444. and I'm one of the only people he talks to anymore.

445. I knew it was a drill, so I just stayed here and let him read.

446. For that matter, he was here during the pep rally too.

447. Once those diaper pictures hit, with the bottle, he just...

448. He hasn't been the same and he couldn't face the whole school.

449. What these kids are doing is pretty awful.

450. With limited opportunity and the librarian vouching for him,

451. Diapey Drew passed our sniff test.

452. A lot of kids at this school have a house as nice as Jenna's,

453. or a car as expensive as hers.

454. Not everybody has a library named after them.

455. That's fuck-you money.

456. I don't trust anyone that rich.

457. People with that kind of wealth think that rules don't apply to them,

458. and they, frankly, probably don't.

459. Jenna's Instagram was perfect.

460. Like, she was traveling with her girlfriend,

461. taking pictures of them kissing at sunset on a yacht in Mykonos.

462. Her Instagram was full of pictures that were clearly taken

463. from professional photographers.

464. Jenna easily had

465. the most obnoxiously perfect Instagram account at this school,

466. and then she posts this picture

467. claiming to be best friends with Kendall Jenner.

468. Then someone found the un-cropped version of that picture.

469. Turns out she was just waiting five hours for a Kendall meet-up.

470. She was not her best friend.

471. Obviously it wasn't real. She ended up coming out

472. that she waited five hours in line for this autograph.

473. And that doesn't make you her best friend, it kind of makes you a loser.

474. No, I don't hate the kids here. I just, like...

475. Honestly, they're not really worth my time.

476. What she did was pretty lame in my book. Um...

477. She tried to fake a relationship, like she was friends with Kendall,

478. when really she just, like, took a fan picture.

479. I feel like she low-key disrespected everyone

480. who Kendall really has a relationship with,

481. like her actual family.

482. Like, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, um...

483. Kylie, Kylie baby daddy, the new baby...

484. um, Tyga...

485. Ah, all of them, man. The mom, the transgender mom,

486. the little babies.

487. Like, she just shouldn't have done it.

488. She should have just said, "Hey, I met Kendall.

489. Emoji."

490. Do you sometimes regret posting that picture?

491. Yeah. I mean...

492. It's just silly because, like,

493. it was a joke, you know what I mean? It wasn't supposed to—

494. I see so many people post pictures with, like, celebrities all the time,

495. so, like,

496. maybe it's just because, like,

497. there's a certain attitude about me at this school...

498. that people just got jealous or something and blew it way out of proportion.

499. So, yeah.

500. I hate to admit it,

501. but it's kind of fun

502. watching someone so perfect fall from the top.

503. And it's a long way to fall.

504. In a school full of affluent families,

505. the Hawthorne family is the wealthiest.

506. In 2017,

507. Nicro, a chemical company owned by her parents,

508. brought in over US$ 6 billion in sales.

509. So, Jenna's family's company Nicro

510. releases an annual product revenue report,

511. and look at one of the products is.

512. Maltitol.

513. - Really? - Industrial quantities of it.

514. What?

515. But she does intern there, so maybe Nicro actually gives her an alibi.

516. Jenna's internship?

517. Yeah, that's a perk not even my family can afford.

518. While the rest of us are working hard, Jenna gets 4.0's is on her transcripts

519. for leaving early.

520. So, Jenna claims that she goes to an internship a few times a week.

521. Is that correct from your understanding?

522. Yes.

523. Nicro, her family company, the chemical company.

524. But I can double check if you want to see the exact dates.

525. Yeah, that'd be great.

526. - Jenna... Hawthorne...

527. Okay, here we are.

528. Yes, every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday,

529. she signs out with us at 11 a.m.,

530. and then every Friday we get a record of her internship hours,

531. and then we just add it to her transcript.

532. Do you mind if I see her hours

533. for the second and third week in November? Perfect

534. This means Jenna wasn't even at St. Bernardine

535. during the critical fire alarm before the Brownout,

536. or right before the pep rally to load the Shit Launchers,

537. and the school has the documentation to prove it.

538. Another student with a strong motive,

539. but an equally strong alibi.

540. There are a lot of very religious...

541. students at St. Bernardine,

542. but none are Paul Schnorrenberg-level religious.

543. I think it's very funny,

544. like, how some of my teachers, in my Catholic school,

545. talk about their "interpretations" of God's words.

546. Well, this is a Catholic school,

547. but Paul does go a bit overboard.

548. It's God's words!

549. He wrote them for us. It's right here.

550. Even Jesus would tell Paul to take it down a notch.

551. Jesus Boy, yeah.

552. Yo, I respect that kid.

553. He put in a lot of hours, a lot of hard work into,

554. you know, like, God stuff, the same way I do on the court,

555. so I gotta take my hat off to him, 'cause...

556. Like, the Bible is so boring.

557. Like, no disrespect. It's just like...

558. I don't know, when you start reading it,

559. you naturally start falling asleep,

560. but Paul, yo, he thug through it, he read that Bible.

561. So, I gotta respect him. Nah mean?

562. Premarital sex is a sin.

563. Sex is sex, no matter what, under God's eyes.

564. Let's take a deep breath.

565. Before Kevin confessed, that was my best theory.

566. You know, it was Paul's way of getting back

567. and punishing his classmates who he thought were, like, sinners.

568. God was protecting some of us from the plagues of the Turd Burglar

569. while punishing others.

570. A couple of small digital clues support the idea

571. that Paul was behind this poop Judgment Day.

572. For example, like the Turd Burglar,

573. Paul uses periods after emojis.

574. If you look through Paul's Instagram,

575. he uses periods after emojis in, like, a lot of his posts.

576. One, two, three, four, five,

577. six, six times in 17 posts.

578. That's weird.

579. And you also have to remember the Bible verse—

580. That really is weird.

581. Periods after emojis?

582. - That's, like, serial killer weird. Right.

583. And you have to remember the Bible verse that the Turd Burglar referenced:

584. "Thou shalt have great disease of thy bowels

585. until thy bowels fall out."

586. Right. - Think about it.

587. A normal Catholic school student wouldn't know that.

588. You'd have to be Schnorrenberg Catholic.

589. Premarital sex is a sin.

590. There's a motive,

591. there are small digital clues connecting him to the Turd Burglar,

592. and there's even a target.

593. Paul hates Montgomery. He hates her.

594. This book describes oral sex!

595. You may as well send us all pornography websites!

596. You know, if Kurt Vonnegut was alive, I think he'd be pleased with this.

597. Are you out of your mind?

598. Sometimes I can get frustrated with Ms. Montgomery.

599. What is the difference? Under God's eyes, what is the difference?

600. Maybe it's not so much about oral sex,

601. maybe it's about what it represents in this book.

602. - You are ridiculous, Ms. Montgomery. - Ridiculous?

603. Yes, I like to be ridiculous.

604. But I would never intentionally cover anyone in poop.

605. But his potential target...

606. is also his alibi.

607. No, I don't think any of my kids could have done this,

608. especially Paul.

609. I think it was a mistake.

610. I happen to know Paul isn't the Turd Burglar.

611. He couldn't have done that horrible thing with the T-shirt launcher

612. because I was with him at the time. We were having one of our...

613. spirited debates. We were talking about the Pope.

614. He thinks the Pope's too radical and I think he's kinda cool.

615. He even switched his throne out for a white chair.

616. I think he's like Bernie Sanders.

617. Anyway, we were talking about it right up until the pep rally,

618. so I know he didn't do it.

619. Starting point guard, Lou Carter!

620. Our interview in Montgomery's office

621. seemed to play out in a familiar fashion:

622. An alibi vouching for someone that we considered promising suspect.

623. But Ms. Montgomery inviting us into her office was far from a dead-end,

624. because something even more important in the next room...

625. - Excuse me. - Take your time.

626. caught Sam's eye.

627. Did you see that? - What?

628. - See what? Uh, hold on.

629. Dude, what are you doing? - Just let me do my thing.

630. No— - Shut up!

631. Hey, Ms. Montgomery, you forgot your phone back there.

632. Students are not allowed in this room, Sam.

633. Sorry, I wanted to make sure she had her phone.

634. - No, I have my phone. So—

635. Out. - This is my phone!

636. Oh my God, I'm so silly. Sorry. That's so embarrassing.

637. Remember the Turd Burglar's final post?

638. The December 4th post of a random advent calendar

639. that we thought was a warning?

640. These are warning posts. Whoever posted these thought

641. they'd be able to pull off a crime and then failed.

642. Well, this may not be a random advent calendar after all.

643. From Ms. Montgomery's connecting office,

644. Sam saw an identical calendar in the faculty lounge,

645. which could be important.

646. The Turd Burglar brags about every crime with an aftermath post.

647. The lemonade dispenser, the piñata, the T-shirt launchers...

648. We call them "delivery devices."

649. So what if the Turd Burglar didn't post the advent calendar

650. to warn of a future crime,

651. but to brag about a completed one?

652. What if Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo was the warning post

653. and the advent calendar was the delivery device?

654. What if there was a fourth poop crime?

655. It would change everything.

656. Proof of a fourth poop crime after Kevin was put on house arrest

657. would expose the school's lies.

658. It would shatter the prosecution's narrative.

659. Proof of a fourth poop crime

660. would mean that Kevin McClain

661. is innocent.