American Vandal 1x1

1. Uh, please state your name, and who you are.

2. My name is Dylan Maxwell, and I'm...

3. I don't know, dude. I'm just Dylan.

4. What do you mean, who am I? That's a stupid question.

5. That's okay.

6. Um... Uh, now, just look at me, and not the camera, please.

7. Dylan, why am I interviewing you?

8. - Because everyone thinks I did it. - Did what?

9. The dicks.

10. KOYF3's Erin Caldwell is live on the scene in Oceanside. Erin?

11. Chris, it is a shocking scene for Hanover High teachers

12. who left school today only to find their cars vandalized with obscene images.

13. It was supposed to be a quiet administrative day at Hanover High.

14. A day off for students, teachers took part in a series of mandatory faculty...

15. - Oh, my God, dude. - Look what happened at school.

16. They put a big one on my Jeep Wrangler behind me.

17. They got this entire row, as you can see.

18. All the way back there, they must've made a big loop,

19. - and got pretty much everybody. - Holy shit.

20. - Are you getting the head? - Yeah.

21. For Principal Janet Regan,

22. this type of mischief is no laughing matter.

23. I'm sure they thought it was a prank.

24. But it's destruction of property. We'll find out who did it.

25. The vandal spray-painted obscene images on 27 cars

26. in the staff parking lot, causing an estimated $100,000 in damages.

27. As of now, investigators have no leads.

28. Soon as I heard about the dicks, I knew.

29. - This is what Dylan does. - Dylan's a burnout loser.

30. Of course, he did it.

31. Dylan Maxwell is the stupidest kid I've ever met.

32. He's a fucking idiot.

33. This is not an isolated incident.

34. Dylan has a history

35. - of this kind of behavior. - Dylan.

36. - This administration... - Dylan!

37. has exhausted all other disciplinary options with Dylan.

38. For the sake of the other students and their learning environment,

39. I strongly recommend that you vote to expel Dylan Maxwell

40. for vandalizing the 27 vehicles.

41. - Do you know who did it? - No.

42. But, like...

43. "fuck you" to whoever did.

44. I mean, seriously.

45. Like, it's super fucking funny, so, that's all chill, but...

46. like, letting me get expelled for something I didn't even do is just...

47. It's just such a bitch move.

48. Consider for a moment the type of person

49. who would spray-paint dicks on cars in the staff parking lot.

50. What do they look like? Who do they hang out with?

51. Where do they sit in the cafeteria?

52. What kind of grades do they get?

53. Is this what you're imagining?

54. Probably not.

55. How about her?

56. Or him?

57. Or her?

58. It doesn't seem right.

59. Or are you picturing someone more like this?

60. Yeah. You're not alone.

61. The school board thought so, too.

62. Everyone thinks I did it.

63. Like, everyone.

64. Except for my boys and my girl.

65. Who I was with at the time.

66. But no one believes us.

67. So, here's what we know.

68. Tuesday, March 15th, 2016.

69. It was an admin day, so, no classes were held.

70. Twenty-seven dicks were spray-painted onto 27 cars in the staff parking lot

71. of Hanover High School in Oceanside, California.

72. It was horrible.

73. I had to drive home with a big...

74. penis on my car.

75. The children in the neighborhood saw it.

76. I'll never understand what's so amusing about penises.

77. The vandalism occurred between two and 2:30.

78. We know this because the security footage in the parking lot

79. from that time frame is missing.

80. Oceanside Police took statements and collected spray paint left

81. at the northeast corner of the parking lot.

82. A criminal hearing for Dylan will likely take place this summer.

83. It will take the district court months to process charges for felony vandalism,

84. but the school board only needed two weeks to process their decision.

85. Join us.

86. - Hi, Pat. - Hi.

87. - Come on. - Perfect.

88. I'm so sorry.

89. - I didn't do it, Mom. - I know.

90. When Dylan does, like, something stupid, and he does stupid things all the time,

91. I mean, he usually will... He admits it to me. I mean...

92. I could... Well, okay, so, he doesn't admit it.

93. He lies to me a lot. But I can tell when he's lying,

94. and he knows that I can tell when he's lying,

95. so, he knows he can't really lie to me,

96. because when he looks at me, and he lies, and I ask him a question,

97. it's like his ears get red on the top, so, I know.

98. So, I don't think that he did it.

99. Because...

100. I just don't.

101. I've personally known Dylan for two years.

102. We're part of Hanover High School's Morning Show.

103. Hi. Welcome to the Morning Show.

104. Today is Wednesday, January 20th, and it is a C day.

105. My name is Peter Maldonado.

106. I'm a reporter on the show. He's a cameraman.

107. Madison with today's menu.

108. If I'm being honest, I can't say I really like Dylan.

109. Mostly because he's always doing stuff like this.

110. some exciting new additions to the lunch menu.

111. Today, we have tacos and meatloaf...

112. Disruptive, disrespectful, a history of poor decisions.

113. You can see why the school board was convinced

114. that Dylan was the type of person to do the dicks.

115. The label fit.

116. So, all the school board had to do was make their case.

117. And it's a compelling one. It's damning.

118. The school structured their case against Dylan using four major points.

119. Can you tell us where you were on the afternoon of March 15th?

120. Sure. Uh, I'd just come back to pick up some books.

121. Um, we had a science test next day, I went to grab them from my locker.

122. I came out into the parking lot, and...

123. I saw Dylan Maxwell spray-painting the cars.

124. You are certain that it's Dylan?

125. Oh, hundred percent.

126. So, tell me exactly what you saw.

127. Oh, well, I was coming out of the school over there.

128. And I kind of noticed something, out of the corner of my eye, so, I turned.

129. That's where I saw him.

130. And he just went... Every single car along this row.

131. Dick.

132. Dick.

133. Dick.

134. Dick.

135. So, would you say he was frantic about it,

136. - or going kind of slow, at his own pace? - No.

137. He was methodical about it.

138. That's what was so messed up. Like he had the whole thing planned out.

139. There's no way you could've mistaken Dylan for someone else?

140. You're positive it was Dylan?

141. No, it was... It was definitely Dylan Maxwell.

142. From the day he came forward, Alex Trimboli had one story,

143. a consistent story.

144. And it made the school board's case against Dylan clean and simple.

145. All Dylan had to do was provide a reliable alibi

146. to contradict Alex Trimboli.

147. Dylan's friends were his best bet.

148. They call themselves the Wayback Boys.

149. But when it comes to reliability, they don't exactly fit the bill.

150. The day after the vandalism,

151. Vice Principal Keene called in Dylan and his friends for separate interviews

152. to see if they could keep their story straight.

153. They couldn't.

154. Okay, great. Have a seat. So, you know why you're here, right?

155. Yeah, probably 'cause of the dicks.

156. So, where were you yesterday afternoon?

157. I was at Lucas Wiley's house. We were prank calling his neighbor.

158. - Hello? - Jansen? They're on to you.

159. You know too much, right? Especially about 9/11.

160. And you were there the whole day?

161. Pretty much. I left for a bit to go to my girlfriend Mackenzie's house,

162. but other than that, yeah.

163. Well, that's not what your friends said.

164. What did they say?

165. So, where were you yesterday afternoon?

166. I was at Lucas Wiley's house.

167. We were making prank calls.

168. And where was Dylan Maxwell?

169. He was there with us.

170. - The whole day? - Yeah.

171. I mean, he left for a little bit to go to Priceless Moments to take a dump.

172. So, Dylan left?

173. Yeah. He shits at Priceless Moments.

174. It's this antique store down the street from my house.

175. He doesn't like my bathroom. My mom has one of those squishy seats.

176. Dylan says the squishy toilet seats are like pressing your butt

177. against someone else's butt, and then pooping into their butthole.

178. Okay, okay.

179. Mackenzie, on the afternoon of March 15th,

180. do you remember where Dylan was?

181. Yeah, he was, uh, hanging over at Lucas Wiley's,

182. and then he came and dropped off dog food at my place.

183. Great. Do you remember about what time he came to drop off the dog food?

184. Um, like two-ish, 2:10, 2:15.

185. Okay. Well, sometime... Would you say sometime between two and 2:30?

186. - Yeah. - Okay, great.

187. Um, do you have any proof that he was there?

188. Um...

189. I saw him.

190. Okay. Um...

191. But if Dylan's friends all agree on Priceless Moments,

192. why doesn't his girlfriend?

193. I saw him.

194. - You saw him. - Yes.

195. You say he's at your house.

196. His friends say he's at an antique store.

197. And then we have vandalism at the high school.

198. All in the same 30-minute period.

199. So, let's see if we can try and sort, uh, some of this out.

200. All right. What I have right now is purple for theories and yellow for facts.

201. This is my good friend and co-producer, Sam Ecklund.

202. He's really into string.

203. What bothers me are these conflicting testimonies.

204. Dylan and Mackenzie both say that Dylan was at Mackenzie's house.

205. The Wayback Boys said he went to Priceless Moments to take a dump.

206. He wasn't... Look. He was lying about both.

207. He wasn't at either. He was drawing the dicks.

208. If Dylan, his girlfriend, and the Wayback Boys are all lying,

209. as Sam believes,

210. then we have a narrative that's easy to digest.

211. He wasn't at Mackenzie's house or taking a dump at Priceless Moments.

212. Instead, he was at Hanover High School,

213. and more specifically, the parking lot of Hanover High School,

214. to draw the dicks, as Alex Trimboli claims.

215. Even if they had gotten their story straight,

216. it's not easy to trust Dylan and his friends.

217. They call themselves the Wayback Boys.

218. So fucking dumb.

219. - Those guys are idiots. - Again.

220. - Let's see. - Do it again.

221. I don't know what they said, but Dylan did it.

222. The key to this whole thing is in these conflicting testimonies.

223. You either trust Alex Trimboli from the National Honor Society,

224. or you trust Dylan and his friends,

225. creators of the YouTube video, Porta Potty Shit Prank.

226. So, what's your opinion on Alex Trimboli?

227. Fuck Alex Trimboli.

228. Come on, dude.

229. There was one of him saying he was there, and four of us saying he wasn't.

230. Okay, if Dylan cheated on a test in school...

231. and, um, this teacher was suspicious of... That somebody had cheated,

232. would you lie and say that Dylan did not cheat?

233. Yeah.

234. Dude, don't say that.

235. That doesn't help.

236. What?

237. - Say no. Say no. - Well, I mean, I ain't know that, what?

238. I would also say, yeah.

239. - I also feel... - But that's different.

240. - School is different than... - Yeah.

241. Like, I was with this dude.

242. This is 100-percent.

243. He was here.

244. Remember I said parking lot security footage

245. at the time of the vandalism was missing?

246. This was the school board's second key point against Dylan.

247. Because he was one of the nine students who had access to the footage.

248. The media server stores the footage for the Morning Show in one directory...

249. and the security footage in the other.

250. Okay. Awesome. And...

251. you know, which students of yours had access

252. to the media server room where that's held?

253. Uh... Nine students:

254. Uh, Randall Snyder,

255. Sam Ecklund,

256. Emily Hershey,

257. Phil Huang,

258. Christa Carlyle,

259. Ming Zhang,

260. Peter Maldonado,

261. Madison Kaplan, and Dylan Maxwell.

262. Dylan often tells me, the vandal could be anyone.

263. But that's not entirely true.

264. Sure, anyone could spray-paint dicks,

265. but deleting security footage from the school's private server?

266. There's only a short list of people capable of that.

267. Nine people who could've done it,

268. or at the very least, helped the person who did.

269. Since the vandalism,

270. I've started referring to them as the Morning Show Nine.

271. Nine hundred and fifty-eight students enrolled in Hanover High, correct?

272. Yes, 958.

273. Nine have a key and a login

274. which gives them access to the security footage,

275. and Dylan Maxwell is one of those nine, correct?

276. Yeah.

277. Thank you.

278. Oh, no, my pencil broke.

279. Dylan's weak alibi and media server access

280. gave him opportunity to draw the dicks.

281. But his Spanish teacher, Ms. Shapiro, gave him motive.

282. She claimed the dicks weren't directed at a bunch of random teachers.

283. She was a target.

284. Dylan.

285. Dylan, please. Not today.

286. What? Like, I like it really, really, really sharp.

287. - Dylan. - It's still not sharp.

288. Did anything happen between you and Dylan

289. in the days leading up that could've contributed to this?

290. Yes. I had just given him another week of detention.

291. So, he must've wanted to get back at me.

292. He not only spray-painted my car, he slashed my tire.

293. Were any of the other teachers' tires slashed?

294. - No. - Yours was the only one?

295. Yes, mine was the only one.

296. Twenty-seven dicks on 27 cars.

297. But only one slashed tire,

298. on the car of Ms. Shapiro, the teacher Dylan hated the most.

299. I gotta say, this target theory makes sense.

300. I did not see him slashing the tires.

301. But it would make sense that if he slashed the tires

302. and drew the first dick on her car, that he would just keep going

303. until someone like me came out to stop him.

304. That's what I think.

305. This isn't the first time he's vandalized my vehicle.

306. Oh, really? So, he's vandalized your car prior?

307. Yes. There was an incident with a changed license plate.

308. He replaced my license plate frame

309. with another frame that said, "I heart boobs."

310. The fact that he'd pranked her car in the past

311. with the "I heart boobs" license plate frame,

312. the fact that Shapiro's was the only car with a slashed tire,

313. it adds up. It doesn't look good for Dylan.

314. But the school board saved their most damning point for last:

315. Dylan was a known dick drawer.

316. Have you ever drawn obscene images

317. like the ones that were on the parking lot cars before?

318. I dabble.

319. I do a lot of pranks in her class. Like sometimes I'll just get up and...

320. just, like, draw a big dick on the whiteboard.

321. And then she'll, like, turn around, and be like...

322. Like, "Who drew this dick? Dylan, did you draw this dick?"

323. And I'd be like, "No."

324. But I did, and she knows. Like, she knows I did it.

325. I mean, yeah, I draw...

326. a penis from time to time.

327. - Time to time. - On a whiteboard.

328. Once a week?

329. - Four times a week. - Four times a week.

330. He drew these same drawings on my whiteboard

331. in my classroom almost every day.

332. At the hearing, Shapiro talked at length about these drawings.

333. Dylan's whiteboard dicks were a major part of the school board's narrative.

334. This is just the last three months.

335. I have two years' worth of photographs.

336. I can certainly present more to the board.

337. So, as you can see, he clearly is the young man

338. who's been drawing penises all over campus.

339. Conflicting eyewitness testimonies,

340. access to security footage,

341. a teacher vendetta, and a history of dick drawing?

342. Everything pointed to Dylan, open-and-shut.

343. But I discovered one glaring discrepancy no one was even looking at.

344. Something so huge, it could blow the case wide open.

345. Ball hairs.

346. - Right. - I can't believe I never noticed that.

347. Does that change things for you?

348. There's gotta be at least one.

349. No, there's not a single hairless nutsack on those whiteboards.

350. I went through every photo, dating back to the sixth grade.

351. You're right. All of the whiteboard dicks look the same.

352. Yeah.

353. Maybe, you know, he didn't have enough time

354. to draw ball hairs, you know?

355. He was in a rush, just went around the parking lot,

356. - and drew dick. - Yeah. No, no, no.

357. I was thinking about that, too, but take a look at the tips.

358. - Yeah, way better mushroom heads. - Exactly.

359. If you're concerned about time,

360. why would you spend time drawing mushrooms?

361. - Those are difficult and take time. - I see what you mean, yeah.

362. I gotta admit, this looks good for Dylan.

363. Oh, yeah. This looks really good for Dylan.

364. The hairs, the tip, the ball size? They're different.

365. None of this was mentioned at Dylan's hearing.

366. What else did the school board miss?

367. All right, take a look at this.

368. These are the dicks that you drew in Shapiro's class.

369. - Yeah. Of course. - Right?

370. And then this is the dicks that were drawn on the car.

371. - Oh, shit, these are totally different. - Yeah, they're completely different. Yeah.

372. Wow.

373. And we checked every single whiteboard dick

374. that you drew in Shapiro's class, all had hairs.

375. Yeah, I never forget the ball hairs.

376. It's just... It's such an important part of the dick.

377. And, like, the mushroom head's all off.

378. Mine's way different. I usually just do, like, a...

379. - You know? - The mushroom tip.

380. They really... That's like a heart, almost.

381. They didn't even bring it up in your case.

382. This is dope.

383. This is really dope, right?

384. Yeah. I think so.

385. Greg made me get a job working for fucking Postmates.

386. Greg is Dylan's stepdad.

387. Postmates is kind of like pizza delivery, except it's not pizza.

388. Well, I mean, sometimes it's pizza, you can order pizza.

389. But usually people order, like, I don't know, random shit.

390. And a lot of the time, I want that shit, too.

391. You know, I gotta buy someone a smoothie,

392. you know, I'm like... Obviously I'm gonna get a smoothie.

393. So, sometimes I lose money on this job. But whatever.

394. There's some perks. You get free fries and shit.

395. - Oh, can I get one? - No, if you take too much, they notice.

396. You know what sucks, is that if you get charged,

397. your parents are gonna have to pay like $100,000.

398. - Yeah, so... - And, like, what?

399. You only make like $10 an hour at Postmates, so, you do the math.

400. - Fuck, I'm gonna be here all year. - Mm-hm.

401. So, your history with Ms. Shapiro was a huge part

402. - of the school board's case, right? - Dude.

403. She has it out for me.

404. It's so wack. Everyone knows.

405. No, it's true. I mean, most teachers hate Dylan, like...

406. But Shapiro, she fucking hates him.

407. Like, a lot more than that. Like in a really kind of fucked-up way...

408. - Like, a lot, dude. - How much time do you have on your hands

409. to focus your energy on one kid?

410. Shapiro did give Dylan 19 detentions this year.

411. But you guys have to admit that the fact that her tires were slashed,

412. she was the first car hit, that you vandalized her car in the past,

413. you see how, like, that looks bad for you.

414. Dude, the license plate thing wasn't me.

415. I swear to God. If it was, I would admit it,

416. because it's fucking funny.

417. But it... But it wasn't.

418. Here's the thing. How could I have vandalized her car

419. if I don't even know what it looks like?

420. - For sure. - It's physically impossible, dude.

421. Dylan made this point at the school board hearing,

422. but ultimately it came down to his word against hers,

423. and everyone knew he hated Shapiro.

424. You're saying you've never seen Ms. Shapiro's car?

425. - Never seen her car. - In your life?

426. Never, dude.

427. For all I know, she could have a beige fucking motorcycle.

428. School's talking about Dylan like he's some criminal mastermind. Okay.

429. They say he deleted the security footage.

430. Dude, Dylan's too dumb to delete footage.

431. Yeah, true. I'd never think to do that.

432. And it's not just thinking about it.

433. It's, like, how does one go...? Like, do you know how to delete footage?

434. Yeah.

435. - You don't. - Yeah. You just go into the FTP.

436. I mean, yeah, but it's very difficult.

437. Do you know what an FTP is?

438. - No. - Exactly.

439. That's hilarious.

440. He's saying he's too dumb to have deleted the footage?

441. Uh-huh.

442. That's actually a really good point, the smartest thing he's ever said.

443. - So, you are believing it? - Yeah.

444. While it's true Dylan was a part of the Morning Show,

445. that doesn't mean he's smart enough to delete the footage

446. from the school's media server.

447. He would've had to have known how to log into the FTP

448. and navigate to the right directory

449. that stores the right security camera at the right time,

450. pretty complicated for someone who never pays attention in class.

451. In fact, the only reason he joined the Morning Show in the first place

452. was so he could borrow camera equipment for his YouTube channel, Wayback Boys TV.

453. So, tell me a little bit about the Wayback Boys.

454. Our shit's dope, man.

455. We call ourselves the Wayback Boys 'cause we go way back.

456. But we actually go way-er back than most people even realize.

457. We've been doing these videos... Well,

458. me and Spencer have, since we were, like, nine or even younger.

459. Man, I gotta fart.

460. And it's cool to actually look at the video, like, the old videos,

461. compare them to the new videos, 'cause you just watch...

462. You look at the difference, you're just like:

463. "Damn, they got good."

464. With 29 videos, 5,173 views, and 358 subscribers,

465. Dylan's convinced that they're the next big thing.

466. - What up? I'm Dylan. - And I'm Spencer.

467. - And this is Baby Farting. - And this is Baby Farting.

468. Oh, my God, I almost shit myself.

469. We keep getting better, man.

470. Like, you compare Baby Farting 2 to Baby Farting 1...

471. huge difference in quality.

472. - What up? I'm Dylan. - And I'm Lucas.

473. And this is Dad Pantsing.

474. His pants are down!

475. - Fuck! - Pedophile! Pedophile!

476. Dylan claims he's not smart enough to delete the security footage.

477. But he is technologically savvy enough

478. to edit and upload his own videos to YouTube.

479. So, is he really as dumb as he lets on?

480. Did you eat the fries?

481. Yeah.

482. Personally, I think he is.

483. The day after the vandalism, Vice Principal Keene,

484. he interviewed, uh, Lucas Wiley

485. and the other two of your friends who are in the Wayback Boys.

486. - Right. - And they said

487. that on March 15th at two o'clock,

488. - you did leave the premises. - Right. Yeah, yeah.

489. But they say you went

490. to the Priceless Moments antique store, and then came back.

491. - Well... - You can see why this is tricky for us.

492. Yeah, no, I told them I was going to Priceless Moments,

493. but I went to Mackenzie's house.

494. - So, you were not at Priceless Moments? - No.

495. - You were at Mackenzie's. - Right.

496. The Wayback Boys are lying to Vice Principal Keene.

497. Well, they think I was at Priceless Moments.

498. - Because you lied to them. - 'Cause I lied to them.

499. - Okay. - I wanted to hang out with Mackenzie,

500. but I didn't want them to be like, "You're whipped." You know?

501. We're clear on all of this.

502. Go poop, Ruff.

503. Dylan, what's the deal with the conflicting testimonies?

504. You were there. You know the truth.

505. I mean, look. Here's the thing.

506. I don't talk about Mac in front of my boys.

507. And I don't talk about my boys in front of Mac.

508. That's why I told them I was shitting at Priceless Moments.

509. If I told them I was with Mac, they'd be like...

510. Just give me a bunch of shit. You know?

511. And they believe I'm at Priceless Moments, because they know

512. that's where I go to take a shit when I'm at Lucas' house, you know?

513. They know I hate Lucas' bathroom.

514. He's got one of those squishy toilets. I don't...

515. Mackenzie fucking sucks.

516. Dylan is whipped as fuck, dude.

517. It's, like, problematic.

518. She could pretty much have any guy she wants, but she picked me.

519. And she's, like, hot.

520. Like, everyone on Twitch is always like:

521. "That's hot. Like, that girl's hot." You know?

522. I don't really know what it is, to be honest,

523. but she just makes me feel...

524. different.

525. It's kind of weird to say, I guess, but...

526. I think I love her.

527. It's just like a crazy thing to say.

528. But, I mean, obviously, there's other girls...

529. that are really hot, and have nice bodies or whatever.

530. But... I don't know, man.

531. The way Mackenzie makes me feel is just...

532. It just... No other girl can... make me feel like that.

533. And she also has, like, a way better ass.

534. Mac, look, look.

535. Oh, my God, you're gonna break his neck.

536. I'm sorry.

537. - Ruff. - If we could prove

538. that you were here

539. instead of the school parking lot, we prove Alex Trimboli is lying.

540. Yeah, but, like, how do we prove that, you know?

541. I already told them to go through my phone, and...

542. I was like, "Yo, do some CSI-type stuff, you know?"

543. Track me, you'll be able to see that I was here,

544. "and I wasn't, you know, in the parking lot."

545. But they said...

546. I don't know, they said they don't have the technology.

547. Which is actually accurate.

548. Even when the police get involved,

549. cell phone records can only put Dylan in a particular location

550. if he made or received a phone call.

551. But he didn't.

552. Ruff was here.

553. Ruff was here. Yo, Ruff, tell them.

554. He knows I'm innocent. Listen to him.

555. He knows.

556. Yeah. That's him saying, "Don't do this to Dylan."

557. - "Don't do this to Dylan." - "Don't do this to Dylan. He's innocent."

558. Like, at first, I didn't... I mean, I didn't even think

559. being expelled was gonna be that bad.

560. Like, I was almost... I was kind of excited.

561. I thought I was gonna be able to, like...

562. just kick it, and go get smoothies, and skate.

563. You know, honestly, it's just...

564. Now that everyone's at school, and I'm just here...

565. it's actually kind of lonely.

566. I gotta work this shit job for half the day.

567. The only thing on TV is, like...

568. Ellen...

569. Wendy, Tyra...

570. all those fucking first-name shows.

571. Maury.

572. It's just not the way I thought things were gonna go.

573. You know, I was gonna graduate high school...

574. go to Boulder with Mackenzie in the fall, get my degree in, like...

575. engineering or some shit, and then move up north,

576. work at a snowboard shop.

577. I mean, at this point, best-case scenario is

578. me and Mackenzie do long-distance.

579. But, I mean, that basically just means I have to jerk myself off... every night.

580. I mean, honestly, she'd probably just break up with me.

581. So, I would still have to jerk myself off every night.

582. Either way, I'm gonna have to jerk off myself.

583. I mean, I guess the worst part of this whole thing

584. is just the fact that, like...

585. I know I didn't do it.

586. You know? Like, I didn't fucking do it.

587. But everyone is talking about me like I did.

588. Like, everyone.

589. And I'm not even there, you know?

590. I can't even, like, defend myself.

591. Dylan Maxwell, no question.

592. He's, like, a known dick drawer.

593. Ball hairs? Who cares?

594. Parking lot dicks could have two nutsacks and warts,

595. and... it doesn't even matter.

596. I don't think he was even gonna graduate. Who gives a shit about Dylan Maxwell?

597. Yeah, I wouldn't trust anything that Dylan says.

598. But then again, I wouldn't trust anything that Alex Trimboli says, either.

599. Why not?

600. For starters, he said he got to third base with Sara Pearson at summer camp.

601. Wait, what?

602. As you can tell from my reaction, this news is a little bit shocking.

603. Alex Trimboli claims he got a hand job from Sara Pearson?

604. Sara Pearson has hooked up with Michael Polowski,

605. Brad Cormack, Scott Winter.

606. And then she hooks up with Alex Trimboli?

607. Sara Pearson? Like, no way, dude.

608. Have you seen Alex? And have you seen Sara?

609. There is no way Alex got a hand job from Sara.

610. She's... kind of top-notch.

611. Sara Pearson is so hot.

612. She used to date Scott Winter.

613. Scott... Sara.

614. - Alex. - No.

615. Alex.

616. With only circumstantial evidence tying him to the vandalism,

617. the school board built its entire case against Dylan

618. on the back of Alex Trimboli's eyewitness testimony.

619. Yes, they had his whiteboard dicks, Shapiro's tire,

620. and the media server, but Trimboli was their star.

621. While Dylan spends his days delivering diapers and french fries,

622. robbed of his senior year, and potentially college,

623. Trimboli walks the halls like a hero.

624. But what if we can't trust him?

625. What if he's not as reliable

626. as the school board would have you to believe?

627. What if he's a liar?

628. So, Alex, tell me.

629. Did you get a hand job from Sara Pearson?