1. Aah!Copy !req
2. Oh, my God, for my birthday!Copy !req
3. What a surprise!Copy !req
4. You guys!Copy !req
5. I almost had a heart attack!Copy !req
6. Okay, I got my birthday
all planned out.Copy !req
7. I want us all to drink
a bunch of Four Lokos,Copy !req
8. then swim across the lake
after midnight.Copy !req
9. I really don't think
it's that far across.Copy !req
10. It looks real close.Copy !req
11. Roger, didn't you
just have a birthdayCopy !req
12. a couple of months ago?Copy !req
13. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
14. You made us ride ATVs
on Ted Nugent's ranchCopy !req
15. without his permission.Copy !req
16. Fine, you caught me.
It's not my birthday.Copy !req
17. But that's the only day
of the yearCopy !req
18. I can get you nervous Nellies
to do anything adventurous.Copy !req
19. So, who's in
for the Loko lake swim?Copy !req
20. Look, Roger, we're all
for trying new things,Copy !req
21. but that sounds
too dangerous.Copy !req
22. Yeah, if new things
are so great,Copy !req
23. where have they been
all this time?Copy !req
24. Well, well, well,
what have we here?Copy !req
25. Discount coupons
to the American Safety Museum?Copy !req
26. (singsongy):
Using these!Copy !req
27. Oh, look, they're doing an
exhibit on Augustus Seatbelt,Copy !req
28. the inventor of the airbag.Copy !req
29. Hello?Copy !req
30. We're not going
to any stupid safety museum.Copy !req
31. (sighs) Why doesn't anyone
ever listen to me?Copy !req
32. You guys will not believe
what's in this towel.Copy !req
33. A baby! A baby
you gave birth toCopy !req
34. and you didn't even know
you were pregnant!Copy !req
35. It just popped out
on the lawn.Copy !req
36. You thought you were just
taking a "D" on the lawn,Copy !req
37. but surprise,
it wasn't a deuce,Copy !req
38. it was a baby
and it's in that towel!Copy !req
39. Show me that baby!Copy !req
40. No, it's a raccoon.Copy !req
41. What did you do
with your baby?Copy !req
42. Look at this adorable guy!Copy !req
43. I'm gonna call him Cuddles...Copy !req
44. after the cat he was eating
when I found him.Copy !req
45. Oh, my God, you won't do
my dangerous birthday plan,Copy !req
46. but you're gonna
let her keepCopy !req
47. a wild animal
in the house?Copy !req
48. She got a pet.
I think it's nice.Copy !req
49. Uch, forget this.Copy !req
50. I'm gonna go do something
on the edge like skydiving,Copy !req
51. or trying on underwear
at Marshall's.Copy !req
52. Oh, hey, Roger,
there you are.Copy !req
53. I wanted
to ask your advice.Copy !req
54. Finally! Someone who wants
to hear what I have to say.Copy !req
55. So I have a crush
on this girl,Copy !req
56. but she only goes
for jocks.Copy !req
57. Well, she sounds
too smart for you, Steve.Copy !req
58. I suggest
you find somebody else,Copy !req
59. 'cause you'll never be a jock.Copy !req
60. That's it!
I'll become a jock!Copy !req
61. You'll be as good a jock
as you are a listener.Copy !req
62. They should've listened to me.
That was an epic swim.Copy !req
63. I think my favorite part
was whenCopy !req
64. that guy drowned trying
to save me.Copy !req
65. Now, if only there was a wayCopy !req
66. I could remember this day
forever.Copy !req
67. Oh, my God, a red-light camera!Copy !req
68. Now if this light would
just turn red,Copy !req
69. we'd have one hell
of a picture.Copy !req
70. Hey, come on!Copy !req
71. What are you
waiting for?Copy !req
72. Blow it out your ass!Copy !req
73. Roger, thank God you're awake!Copy !req
74. You've been in a coma.Copy !req
75. Oh, my God,
how long was I out?Copy !req
76. This long?
Or this long?Copy !req
77. The first one.Copy !req
78. Roger, I just want to tell you
how happy we areCopy !req
79. that we didn't go along
with your stupid plan.Copy !req
80. Yes, if you weren't so easy
to dismiss,Copy !req
81. we could be in here with you.Copy !req
82. Mom, Dad, thank you
for not listening to Roger.Copy !req
83. Well, this has been
a grand reunion.Copy !req
84. Roger, you're awake,Copy !req
85. which means you're
probably alive.Copy !req
86. Let's check
your vitals.Copy !req
87. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye!Copy !req
88. A body...Copy !req
89. a lawsuit...Copy !req
90. Doctor, I just
had a vision.Copy !req
91. You're being
fired by a baby.Copy !req
92. Well, that's impossible,
unless it was Dr. Baby,Copy !req
93. the baby who's in charge
of this hospital.Copy !req
94. But I assure you,
your vision wasn't real.Copy !req
95. It was nothing but
a postcomatic delusion.Copy !req
96. You just need
a little more rest.Copy !req
97. I think your family should
probably leave.Copy !req
98. I'm sorry, what?
I thought you guys should go.Copy !req
99. Yeah, so did we.Copy !req
100. I swear, what I saw
seemed so real.Copy !req
101. I think you're
gonna lose your job.Copy !req
102. (chuckles)
There's nothing
to worry about.Copy !req
103. I'm a dedicated professional
with a spotless record...Copy !req
104. You see, when I'm engaged
with a patient,Copy !req
105. it's as if the whole world
disappears around me.Copy !req
106. Oh, no, the bad sound.Copy !req
107. He's dead!Copy !req
108. This was clearly
your fault, Doctor!Copy !req
109. Damn it!
It's gonna take moreCopy !req
110. than a game of peekaboo
with Dr. BabyCopy !req
111. to get out of this one.Copy !req
112. Oh, my God, I was right!Copy !req
113. This was my vision!Copy !req
114. Ma'am? Ma'am, I was right.Copy !req
115. I see you on a beach...
with a guy!Copy !req
116. I wouldn't dread
hanging out with him.Copy !req
117. Your new boyfriend
has dreadlocks.Copy !req
118. How dare you?Copy !req
119. I'll never love
anyone but my husband.Copy !req
120. I'm here to gather
the dead man, mon.Copy !req
121. Whoa, you look sexy
when you cry.Copy !req
122. Really? No one's ever noticed
that about me before.Copy !req
123. How about I buy you
a Red Stripe?Copy !req
124. And that's when I was sure
that I could see the future.Copy !req
125. Roger, the last time you thought
you could see the future,Copy !req
126. you said that Rodney would
have the best party.Copy !req
127. But his parents came home
early and ruined
the whole thing.Copy !req
128. It's here!Copy !req
129. One Rowflex and
five containers
of protein powder.Copy !req
130. Thanks to all this,
I'm about to become a jock!Copy !req
131. You're never gonna use
any of that stuff!Copy !req
132. Of course
I'm gonna use it!Copy !req
133. And I'm starting with
a protein shake right now.Copy !req
134. Mom?Copy !req
135. All right, give it to me.Copy !req
136. I see a desperate man
with a clip-on tie...Copy !req
137. a set of keys...Copy !req
138. Francine, you're getting
a new car!Copy !req
139. That's ridiculous, Roger.Copy !req
140. I just got a new car
and I love it.Copy !req
141. It's the same car
that Matt Damon droveCopy !req
142. in We Bought a Zoo.Copy !req
143. I like to drive around and
pretend I have zoo problems.Copy !req
144. "Oh, my God, what am I
gonna do about my zoo?"Copy !req
145. Right?Copy !req
146. It's time!Copy !req
147. Everybody ready to go
to the American Safety Museum?Copy !req
148. Interesting. It says here
autoerotic asphyxiationCopy !req
149. is the number one
cause of awkward funerals.Copy !req
150. Ooh, they have a picture?Copy !req
151. Oh, my God, you can't go!Copy !req
152. Horrible things will happen!Copy !req
153. Roger, what
could happen?Copy !req
154. It's the
Safety Museum.Copy !req
155. Yeah, it's not like
it's the Natural History Museum,Copy !req
156. full of dangerous ideas
and attitudes.Copy !req
157. Ignore him, Stan.
We can take my car.Copy !req
158. You have to believe me!
You're making a huge mistake!Copy !req
159. Were you talking to me?Copy !req
160. 'Cause I was only gonna try
it this once.Copy !req
161. I have a paper due
in the morning.Copy !req
162. You have been randomly
selected for racial profiling.Copy !req
163. Hoo-hoo-hoo,
this is so real!Copy !req
164. Stan, this museum
has some great exhibits.Copy !req
165. Yeah, let's go check out
the "Kobe Bryant Encounter."Copy !req
166. Do you want to come
up to my hotel room?Copy !req
167. Sure!Copy !req
168. (siren wails)
I think we should move on.Copy !req
169. No, I know
I can get this!Copy !req
170. Do you want to come
up to my hotel room?Copy !req
171. As long as you have a T-shirt
I can sleep in.Copy !req
172. Forget it. This is impossible.Copy !req
173. Is this an exhibit,
or is this just a wet floor?Copy !req
174. I don't know.
I just started.Copy !req
175. The last tour guide
got fired yesterday.Copy !req
176. She was not happy.Copy !req
177. Hey, there she is. Hi, Helen!Copy !req
178. Safety off!Copy !req
179. We gotta get
out of here!Copy !req
180. It's just a really good replica
of an emergency exit!Copy !req
181. It's so accurate!Copy !req
182. This isn't real either!Copy !req
183. None of it's real!Copy !req
184. There are no actual safety
precautions in this museum!Copy !req
185. What do we do?Copy !req
186. I'll tell you
what to do...Copy !req
187. if you're ready
to listen.Copy !req
188. Roger! What are you
doing here?Copy !req
189. Don't worry,
I know everything
that's gonna happen.Copy !req
190. Hayley, take the traffic conesCopy !req
191. and make them
into a "U" over there!Copy !req
192. Francine,
grab that wheelchair!Copy !req
193. Stan, get
that fire extinguisher!Copy !req
194. Steve, put
that bulletproof vest on!Copy !req
195. Wait a minute,
shouldn't we all get vests?Copy !req
196. I wrote this
14 minutes ago,Copy !req
197. because in my vision,Copy !req
198. you asked me that
exact stupid question.Copy !req
199. Now do what I say!Copy !req
200. Oh, no,
they're gonna trample us!Copy !req
201. Just stay behind the cones!Copy !req
202. Oh, my God, it hurts!Copy !req
203. Why didn't you just have me
stand somewhere else?Copy !req
204. Less fun.
Everybody climb on!Copy !req
205. Oh, my God, Roger, you saved...Copy !req
206. Hold on.
Wait for it.Copy !req
207. My car!Copy !req
208. And I'm pretty sure that
warrants a trip to Cold Stone.Copy !req
209. Roger, you were right
about everything!Copy !req
210. We should have
listened to you.Copy !req
211. Oh, I'll accept
your apology.Copy !req
212. And the lanyard you made me
at Camp Shoulda Woulda Coulda.Copy !req
213. I can't believe that Roger can
see the future.Copy !req
214. Now hold on.Copy !req
215. I don't know
if it proves that.Copy !req
216. You know that note
I gave you?Copy !req
217. Turn it over.Copy !req
218. This is my
cell phone number.Copy !req
219. Excuse me, Miss.
Are you all right?Copy !req
220. Light him up, girl.Copy !req
221. He's not gonna call.Copy !req
222. He thinks you could
lose ten pounds.Copy !req
223. But that's not why
he doesn't call.Copy !req
224. He dies in that fire.Copy !req
225. So you didn't need to tell me
about the ten pounds.Copy !req
226. Somebody needed
to tell you.Copy !req
227. I can't believe Roger
can predict the future.Copy !req
228. Yeah, but, like,Copy !req
229. compared to people
from the past,Copy !req
230. like, to them,Copy !req
231. like, we are the
future to them.Copy !req
232. I'm definitely
feeling it now.Copy !req
233. That was amazing,
Roger!Copy !req
234. See what happens
when you listen to me?Copy !req
235. He picked
every horse!Copy !req
236. Roger's
unbelievable!Copy !req
237. He...
Knew that you'd want to eat
chili dogs for lunch.Copy !req
238. And then he...
Knew in the third raceCopy !req
239. it'd take three bullets to put
down Daddy's Lucky Girl.Copy !req
240. And now I'm...
Getting tired of me
interrupting you?Copy !req
241. (gasps)
How did you...
Know?Copy !req
242. You just gave me goose bumps!Copy !req
243. I love it!Copy !req
244. Speaking of love,
Roger,Copy !req
245. there's another girl
in my classCopy !req
246. I think I have
a pretty good shot with.Copy !req
247. Oh?
Well, allow me.Copy !req
248. Come here, you...Copy !req
249. Roger, what's
so funny?Copy !req
250. Nothing.Copy !req
251. I say go for it.Copy !req
252. Hey, uh, I was gonna go
take a dip in the pool.Copy !req
253. How-how's that
work out for me?Copy !req
254. Stan, I'm not wasting
my gift on that.Copy !req
255. Come on, Roger.Copy !req
256. Touch it.Copy !req
257. You drop a load
in the pool.Copy !req
258. Wait, no.Copy !req
259. It's a Baby Ruth.
Wait, no.Copy !req
260. That's a scene
from Caddyshack...Copy !req
261. which I'm trying
to watch.Copy !req
262. Do I end up
watching it with you?Copy !req
263. Yes, and you annoy me
the whole timeCopy !req
264. with your
questions.Copy !req
265. Oh.Copy !req
266. What kind of
questions?Copy !req
267. Roger, am I gonna
like this salad?Copy !req
268. Should I be taking
smaller bites?Copy !req
269. Roger, am I about to say
something funny?Copy !req
270. I want to say
something funny.Copy !req
271. Is that enough?Copy !req
272. Is... is... is-is that...Copy !req
273. Is that too much?Copy !req
274. How... how 'bout...
how 'bout now?Copy !req
275. Steve, dump that and get
yourself another salad.Copy !req
276. Why?Copy !req
277. Does something happen
to me if I eat this salad?Copy !req
278. No, I'm just using
common sense.Copy !req
279. Well, can't you just have
a vision so I can be sure?Copy !req
280. So it doesn't matter
what I think?Copy !req
281. No, we don't care
what you think,Copy !req
282. we care what you see.Copy !req
283. Well, fine.Copy !req
284. If that's all
you're after...Copy !req
285. Wait, where are
you going?Copy !req
286. Should we go
with you?Copy !req
287. Should I have even
left the kitchen?Copy !req
288. Look, no more
questions.Copy !req
289. I need to take
a thinkin' drive.Copy !req
290. Wait, wait,
you can't leave!Copy !req
291. I have homework
tonight!Copy !req
292. Is it gonna be
on the test tomorrowCopy !req
293. or can I blow
it off?Copy !req
294. Should I take
a bath tonightCopy !req
295. or will I fall
asleep and drown?Copy !req
296. Do I have to go
to the bathroom?Copy !req
297. Look, you guys are on your own.Copy !req
298. I'm outta here.Copy !req
299. At least let us
come with you!Copy !req
300. No, you should...Copy !req
301. you should... you should
probably stay here.Copy !req
302. Why? Are we all gonna die
if we come with you?Copy !req
303. Yes.Copy !req
304. That.Copy !req
305. You're all gonna dieCopy !req
306. if you leave the house.Copy !req
307. Slam that door if
I get really rich soon!Copy !req
308. Oh, so close!Copy !req
309. Well, I wanted them
to listen to me.Copy !req
310. Didn't work out so well,
though, did it?Copy !req
311. No, sir.Copy !req
312. There might be a lesson
to learn from thisCopy !req
313. if I were the kind of guy
who could learn lessons.Copy !req
314. But lessons are not for me.Copy !req
315. Lessons are for school boys.Copy !req
316. School boys are for me!Copy !req
317. Red light!Copy !req
318. Ah, what a restful coma.Copy !req
319. How long have
I been out?Copy !req
320. Three weeks.Copy !req
321. We would have been able
to revive you sooner,Copy !req
322. but Dr. Stack was
the coma expertCopy !req
323. and he got fired
and sued into povertyCopy !req
324. by a grieving widow and
her Rastafarian fiancé.Copy !req
325. Huh.Copy !req
326. So... can I get
an orange juice,Copy !req
327. or is there a long-ass
story about that, too?Copy !req
328. Lunch'll be here
in 20 minutes.Copy !req
329. You can wait
till then.Copy !req
330. Hmm.
Nice attitude.Copy !req
331. Let's see
how you die!Copy !req
332. Wait!Copy !req
333. I'm not getting
any visions.Copy !req
334. My powers are gone!Copy !req
335. But I haven't
lost mine.Copy !req
336. Mind Quad!Copy !req
337. Sounds like you're
thirsty, friend.Copy !req
338. I'm not gonna drink from
the same glass as him.Copy !req
339. He's gross.Copy !req
340. So you had powers
and now you lost them?Copy !req
341. It's like me.Copy !req
342. In my country,
I'm doctor.Copy !req
343. Really?
What kind of doctor?Copy !req
344. Dah, you caught me.Copy !req
345. I'm lying.Copy !req
346. What the...Copy !req
347. Roger, thank God you're back!Copy !req
348. Everybody, Roger's back!Copy !req
349. Oh, Roger,
what a relief!Copy !req
350. We don't have
to be scared anymore.Copy !req
351. Yeah, maybe we can
leave the house now.Copy !req
352. Wait a minute.Copy !req
353. You haven't left
the house in three weeks?Copy !req
354. You told us we'd
all die if we did.Copy !req
355. And all of your
fortunes have come true!Copy !req
356. Huh.
I guess I did say that.Copy !req
357. But how have you survived?Copy !req
358. It hasn't been easy.Copy !req
359. The toilet paper ran
out before the food,Copy !req
360. so that was gross.Copy !req
361. But when we started
eating the couch,Copy !req
362. we stopped needing
toilet paper.Copy !req
363. The stuffing wipes
itself on the way out.Copy !req
364. Okay, this is bad.Copy !req
365. Wait, wait, where's Klaus?Copy !req
366. I'm right here.Copy !req
367. Oh, my God, Klaus,Copy !req
368. you're living in
your own filth.Copy !req
369. I try not to talkCopy !req
370. so it doesn't
get in my mouth.Copy !req
371. Ugh, it got
in my mouth.Copy !req
372. Brissam
beeginch?Copy !req
373. R-Rettehsat?Copy !req
374. Okay, what is that?Copy !req
375. Oh, in your absence
Steve's forgotten English.Copy !req
376. Eng...Copy !req
377. Engrish.Copy !req
378. How did my absence
in any way affectCopy !req
379. Steve's handle on
the English language?Copy !req
380. I haven't even
been gone a month.Copy !req
381. Steve...Copy !req
382. Mo-onth.Copy !req
383. All right, all right.Copy !req
384. Before I left, I told you guysCopy !req
385. not to leave the house
and you embraced it.Copy !req
386. Now I'm telling you you'll dieCopy !req
387. if you don't get
out of this house.Copy !req
388. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
389. Don't you want to
have a vision,Copy !req
390. make sure it's safe?Copy !req
391. Oh, uh,
yeah, sure.Copy !req
392. Yes, my vision says
you will be super safe.Copy !req
393. Get out there!Copy !req
394. Soba slasha on...Copy !req
395. Steve's right.Copy !req
396. It's just
the sprinklers.Copy !req
397. Whoops.Copy !req
398. Flaps flaps ze zap zap!Copy !req
399. It's not safe!
It's not safe!Copy !req
400. We almost got killed.Copy !req
401. Steve's right.Copy !req
402. You lied to us.Copy !req
403. Uch, you got me.Copy !req
404. I lost my powers.Copy !req
405. Now we can go back
to our normal lives.Copy !req
406. Isn't that great?Copy !req
407. No, it's not great!Copy !req
408. Without your powers,
we have no ideaCopy !req
409. what dangers are lurking
outside this house!Copy !req
410. Yeah, but there is nothing
you can do about it.Copy !req
411. How useless was that CostcoCopy !req
412. five-pack of hammers now,
Francine?Copy !req
413. Look, I'm helping!Copy !req
414. You guys,
listen...Copy !req
415. Oh, my God, what was that?Copy !req
416. I don't know!Copy !req
417. Let's hide in
the basement!Copy !req
418. Steve, your
English is back.Copy !req
419. Oh, I was just doing that
to make you guys laugh.Copy !req
420. My protein powder!Copy !req
421. There are tracks in it.Copy !req
422. We got tracks!Copy !req
423. Somebody used
my Rowflex!Copy !req
424. And it's set to
the highest strength level.Copy !req
425. Cuddles!Copy !req
426. I forgot about him.Copy !req
427. He must've escaped.Copy !req
428. Wait a minute.Copy !req
429. You don't think he
got into my protein powderCopy !req
430. and then started and stuck withCopy !req
431. a hard-core workout regimen,
do you?Copy !req
432. Oh, God, how big do you think
he could have gotten?Copy !req
433. Hmm, I'd say about
eight feet tall.Copy !req
434. Oh, how do
you know?Copy !req
435. Did you have
a vision of it?Copy !req
436. He's standing
right there.Copy !req
437. Run!Copy !req
438. You know what?Copy !req
439. I think we can
make this work.Copy !req
440. We'll just all live here
the rest of our lives.Copy !req
441. I call the tub!Copy !req
442. You guys are
ready to liveCopy !req
443. the rest of your lives
in this bathroom?Copy !req
444. Sounds like someone's
jealous of my tub.Copy !req
445. Don't you guys get it?Copy !req
446. Even if we could
stay alive in here,Copy !req
447. what kind of life would that be?Copy !req
448. Life is risky,Copy !req
449. but you have to get out there
and take chances anyway.Copy !req
450. Why should we listen to you?Copy !req
451. Well, maybe he's right.Copy !req
452. I mean, we can't
go through lifeCopy !req
453. without taking
any risks.Copy !req
454. Yeah, it's like
when Eddie MurphyCopy !req
455. picked up that
prostitute.Copy !req
456. But that
was a man.Copy !req
457. And he had
a marvelous time.Copy !req
458. I'm just asking you
to listen to me this once.Copy !req
459. Okay.Copy !req
460. But how are we gonna
fight a giant raccoon?Copy !req
461. We don't have
to fight it.Copy !req
462. All we have to do is
get out of the house.Copy !req
463. Quick, get the boards
off the door.Copy !req
464. We could really use
those hammers now,Copy !req
465. to pull these
nails out.Copy !req
466. Anybody see one?Copy !req
467. Quick, everybody
link arms.Copy !req
468. He'll think we're
a bigger animal.Copy !req
469. Hmm?Copy !req
470. Wait, Steve,
that's good.
Ow, ow!Copy !req
471. Ah!
Keep doing that!Copy !req
472. Keep doing what?Copy !req
473. He thinks you're food.Copy !req
474. That'll distract him long enough
for us to get the boards off.Copy !req
475. Ow, ow!Copy !req
476. What if he bites
off my arm?Copy !req
477. That's the risk!Copy !req
478. That's the risk
we're all taking!Copy !req
479. Yah!Copy !req
480. He had a weirdly
good body.Copy !req
481. I guess we owe you
a "thanks," Roger.Copy !req
482. It seems like knowing
what the future holdsCopy !req
483. can really keep you from
living in the present.Copy !req
484. Yeah, maybe
sometimesCopy !req
485. it's not a bad idea
to listen to Roger.Copy !req
486. Damn right!Copy !req
487. Now, let's cover
ourselves in honeyCopy !req
488. and run through Old Man
McGuilicutty's bear farm.Copy !req
489. This is not one
of those times.Copy !req
490. Hey, can you drop me
off at the hospital?Copy !req
491. No, sorry, I don't
see that happening.Copy !req
492. (laughing):
I'm kidding.Copy !req
493. Come on,
let's go, kid.Copy !req
494. Hey, hey, why you
smacking your tushie?Copy !req
495. Why you smacking your tushie?
Why you doing that?Copy !req
496. (chuckling):
Stop, stop! Stop it!Copy !req
497. Bye! Have a beautiful time.Copy !req