American Dad! 9x8

Directed by Joe Daniello

Rhea Perlman as Old Stripper (voice) • Alyson Hannigan as Ugly Stepsister #2 (voice) • Chris Diamantopoulos as Various (voice) • Kevin Michael Richardson as Security Guard / Principal Lewis (voice) • Marissa Jaret Winokur as Ugly Stepsister #3 (voice)

The Smiths get drunk at Roger's Mardi Gras party and make a pact with Bullock; Roger tries to find the person who left a pastie in the attic.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ahh, christmas...

2. That time of year when children are at their absolute worst.

3. You see, kids have figured out that they'll get

4. Whatever they want whether they're bad or good.

5. So they all became spoiled turds.

6. Hey, I want that.

7. It's too expensive.

8. (whining): But it's christmas.

9. I get whatever I want!

10. If you're a good boy.

11. Steven anita!

12. No, I'm a bad boy.

13. I get what I want.

14. What's gotten into this boy? He's insane.

15. He's a mystery to me.

16. "they"?

17. (groans) steve, you're the worst.

18. Stop!

19. I have heard enough of this song and dance.

20. You're just lucky I don't beat you like my dad did to me.

21. In fact, let's pay a visit to my dad

22. So you can see what happens to naughty boys when they grow up.

23. Dad, tell him how much jail sucks.

24. Tell him about the beatings, the rapes,

25. The overly washed egyptian cotton bath towels.

26. Tell him so he'll stop being bad.

27. Steve, just be happy you're bad now

28. And not when I was boy.

29. Back then, krampus would have come for you.

30. Krampus?

31. Yes, krampus.

32. The demon of christmas.

33. When I was a boy in southern bavaria,

34. In lower berchtesgaden,

35. Santa would ride with krampus.

36. Santa would give gifts to the good kids

37. And krampus would punish the naughty ones.

38. Scare you with his rusty chains.

39. Slap your bottom with his birch branches.

40. And if you were really bad,

41. He'd throw you in his almost child-sized sack

42. And shake you good!

43. Oh, that's krampus for you.

44. Yeah, sounds like a load of bull jizzle.

45. I've never heard of krampus.

46. That's because your gramps trapped the demon, he did.

47. On christmas eve,

48. I snuck out of bed to get more of mother's strudel

49. Even though she told me I couldn't have any more.

50. I didn't care.

51. I wanted more.

52. When I got there,

53. I saw that krampus had beat me to it.

54. He was neck-deep in mutter's strudel.

55. So I trapped him in that copper pot.

56. Copper-potted him good.

57. And that's why you and all the other baddies

58. Never get a visit from krampus on christmas eve.

59. That's nonsense.

60. See for yourself.

61. That copper pot is with my stuff in your basement.

62. Okay, okay, I'm bored.

63. Let's go.

64. Krampus is real.

65. Real I say!

66. The copper pot's in your basement.

67. It's right there

68. With my old rossignol skis!

69. They're super-long and super-fast!

70. Check your basement, stan!

71. So, hayley, have you decided

72. What to get the family for christmas?

73. (sighs) no, not yet.

74. Wha-wha-wha... Just stop, stop.

75. J-j-just tell me what you want.

76. Wh-what's going on?

77. I need a job so I can get the family a christmas gift.

78. The bar gets busy during the holidays.

79. Maybe you could use an extra hand.

80. You're too late, sister.

81. I already hired college kids from the water polo team.

82. I've got almost too many hands for jobs.

83. Here's the classifieds.

84. Ooh, the airport's hiring.

85. What's with this speedo, jeremy?

86. It's too baggy.

87. Is it a tandem speedo for two men?

88. Eh, even this is too loose.

89. Mark, hop in here!

90. Did they get this on sale?

91. Was this the floor model?

92. Well, if it wasn't, it is now!

93. Smash!

94. (gasps) steven!

95. By the power of grayskull,

96. What do you think you're doing?

97. I am hiding these until christmas.

98. Boy driving me insane.

99. Got me talking like bernie mac.

100. Krampus?

101. Jack?

102. No, jack's my dad.

103. Let... Me... Out.

104. I can't. You're a demon.

105. I-it would be...

106. Unwise.

107. Release... Me.

108. Hey, bitch!

109. Where's my mickey mouse towel?

110. I'm sorry!

111. I'll try harder!

112. Okay. If I let you out,

113. Will you promise to scare my son and make him a good boy?

114. Yeah!

115. That's, like, exactly what I do, man.

116. Ow!

117. No!

118. Bring me jack

119. If you ever want to see your son again!

120. Wait!

121. You did what?

122. I released krampus.

123. I just wanted him to scare steve straight.

124. Sexual orientation is not a choice!

125. What?

126. Look, krampus took steve,

127. And he says he'll only give him back

128. If you take his place.

129. What do you say, dad?

130. If I use my cia connections to get you out of here,

131. Will you switch with steve?

132. I'm in.

133. Krampus probably took him to his castle in bavaria.

134. I know where it is.

135. Give me the keys. I'll drive.

136. See you, sucker!

137. Yep.

138. Yeah. (chuckles)

139. Uh-huh. (chuckles)

140. Yep.

141. Get off me!

142. Let me go!

143. What are you doing?

144. Krampus is back.

145. He's been gone for, like,

146. 50 years or something, you guys.

147. You can't do this!

148. I'm an american child!

149. I'm a treasure!

150. Well, you in bavaria now.

151. You need to be punished.

152. If you lay so much as one finger on me, I will per...

153. Who you talking to?

154. I'm krampus, bitch!

155. I do whatever I please.

156. This is my expertise.

157. I swear to god, do not touch me!

158. You see, steve, you don't know anything about pain.

159. Yes, I do!

160. Pain is having a girl named sheila

161. Walk out on you in the middle of downtown baltimore

162. For some guy named dennis,

163. Who worked as a mechanic and made twice as much money as you.

164. Wha...? These are things

165. You know nothing about, boy,

166. But I'm here to show you.

167. You'll stay here until I see jack.

168. Looks like you got some stuff going on.

169. Want to tell me what you did?

170. Want to tell me who you did?

171. (whispers): Was it a boy?

172. Krampus kidnapped steve.

173. And the only one who knows where to find him is jack.

174. And jack took off.

175. Krampus?

176. Santa's evil sidekick?

177. Santa must know where he is.

178. Santa won't help me. Santa hates me.

179. I'm coming for you, smiths!

180. Hyah!

181. Look, even if I wanted to ask for santa's help,

182. How am I supposed to get to the north pole?

183. Oh, boys!

184. Hyah!

185. Damn...

186. Santa's village is behind this wall.

187. Give me a boost.

188. Take my hand!

189. Stan!

190. Harder.

191. Way harder.

192. How dare you come to my house.

193. Krampus.

194. What about him?

195. He's been gone over 50 years.

196. No, krampus is alive.

197. And he has my son.

198. Who cares about your son?

199. I can't go back to sharing christmas

200. With that soul-singing goat.

201. Always nibbling on my list.

202. Please, I need your help.

203. I need to find steve.

204. Okay.

205. I'll help you get your boy

206. If you help me kill krampus.

207. Deal.

208. Come on, roger.

209. Just a little longer.

210. I'm almost there.

211. Aw. Tissue for your tears?

212. You don't have to be scared.

213. Here, refresh yourself with a cool drink of water.

214. See, everyone here is nice.

215. You guys seem okay.

216. But that krampus is a real jerk.

217. Oh, that's not true! That's not the way.

218. Krampus cares about you more than anyone.

219. He cares enough to punish you when you're bad.

220. That's cause he's a monster who enjoys terrorizing kids.

221. No, no, no, no, no, you got it all wrong.

222. Come on. We'll show you.

223. When you punished me, it hurt you

224. More than it hurt me, didn't it?

225. But I endure it because I care.

226. So, why do you want my grand-poppy-pop so bad?

227. He seems like a total lost cause.

228. Which is exactly why I need to apologize to him.

229. Apologize?

230. It's my fault he turned out bad.

231. I should have been beating his ass

232. Instead of munching down on your great-grandma's strudel.

233. I failed him.

234. Shh.

235. No, no, no, no, no, don't.

236. Shush now, frowny horns.

237. Look, everyone makes mistakes.

238. The important thing is you're back.

239. And you're exactly what the world needs right now.

240. Ho ho ho!

241. Off we go to kill krampus!

242. Wow, full moon tonight.

243. Actually, once you get above the clouds,

244. It's always a full moon. Is that true?

245. Is any of this?

246. Once we kill krampus,

247. You'll be on my permanent good list, stan.

248. You and Jesus.

249. But he's jewish.

250. He is?

251. Oh, what a surprise.

252. My flight to jamaica's delayed.

253. And you people wonder why the world is all taking boats.

254. You can discuss any of your concerns

255. With our customer service rep, sir.

256. Oh, you are a special kind of bitch, mary anne.

257. Where the irie plane, mon? You trying to tell me

258. This flight is late, skank? Rude boy!

259. Hayley? You work here?

260. I need the money to buy the perfect gift for my family.

261. But why?

262. Because...

263. But I don't get it.

264. Why do anything for your family?

265. Wait. I think I'm starting to get it.

266. Change this flight to bavaria.

267. I'm going to go save my grandson.

268. Krampus, I can't believe I was acting like such a jerk.

269. A real stephen hawking.

270. Thank you.

271. No. Thank you.

272. For reminding me how good it feels

273. To turn naughty kids into nice ones.

274. I hope you don't mind blueberry crepes for breakfast.

275. With homemade chocolate.

276. Trashy!

277. No! Stop!

278. What are you doing?

279. He was good!

280. (sobbing): He was good.

281. (weakly): Steven.

282. Looks like I'm big man on krampus.

283. Oh, gross!

284. It got in your mouth!

285. What are you doing? We had a deal.

286. Yeah, well, I'm santa,

287. And maybe now even a dumb-ass like you

288. Can figure out that I'm the bad guy.

289. That's what I was trying to tell you.

290. Krampus was good.

291. He cared about kids.

292. Santa just spoils them.

293. And I make a hell of a lot of money doing it.

294. Most of my portfolio is in toy stocks.

295. That's why you give toys to everyone,

296. Whether they're naughty or nice.

297. The naughty kids buy the most toys.

298. Wait. What?

299. Kids don't buy toys.

300. You give toys away.

301. How does that make money?

302. Do not overthink this.

303. Just know that I am in bed with big toys

304. So I'm making money.

305. See you in hell, stan.

306. (distorted, slow- Rossignol!

307. Oh, god.

308. I'm dying.

309. Every man for himself!

310. You came to help me.

311. I finally realized the importance of family.

312. And I wanted to tell you I'm proud of you, son.

313. You're a good guy.

314. Because of you.

315. Because you were so hard on me.

316. Maybe.

317. Maybe for people to turn out good,

318. They need a beating every now and then.

319. That's why the world needs krampus.

320. Yes.

321. And that's why the world sucks so hard now.

322. Because I took krampus away.

323. My... Bad.

324. You're... Krampus.

325. So I am.

326. I suppose this is how I'm to repay my debt to the world

327. For taking krampus away all these years.

328. So, will you remain krampus forever?

329. Like, all the time?

330. Who knows?

331. In the meantime, it's christmas eve,

332. And I've got a lot of bottoms to blister.

333. You better be good, boys and girls,

334. Or I'll beat you until blood's coming from your ears

335. And your eyes and your mouth.

336. Merry christmas!

337. And from your ass.

338. Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org

339. Bye! Have a beautiful time.