1. Aah!Copy !req
2. Good… morning, everyone.Copy !req
3. It is a beautiful
72 degrees out.Copy !req
4. Today has so much promise.Copy !req
5. Today?
Try Berlin in '38.Copy !req
6. So many different people.Copy !req
7. So many opinions.Copy !req
8. A marketplace of ideas.Copy !req
9. Anyway,
today in sex-ed,Copy !req
10. we're asking our teacher
anonymous questions.Copy !req
11. It can be anything
we want to know.Copy !req
12. That's great, honey.Copy !req
13. You know, Steve,
legend has it,Copy !req
14. that if you can stump
a sex-ed teacher,Copy !req
15. you become the
sex-ed teacher.Copy !req
16. "There can be only one!"Copy !req
17. Hey. Did you guys know
that there's a landmassCopy !req
18. made up of garbage that's
floating in the Pacific Ocean?Copy !req
19. You shouldn't
have to go that farCopy !req
20. just to throw away
that manly jacket.Copy !req
21. Well, I'm tired of ignoring
the world's problems.Copy !req
22. So, today, I start my new job
for a local news reporterCopy !req
23. with a brand-new show.Copy !req
24. Oh, that sounds hard.Copy !req
25. Are you sure
you want to bother?Copy !req
26. Look, this is my chance
to get the truth out thereCopy !req
27. about Garbage Island
and so many other things.Copy !req
28. People need to know the dangers
of eating non-organic fruitCopy !req
29. and that vaccines are…Copy !req
30. Hayley! Behind you!Copy !req
31. Damn it!
One at a time, you guys.Copy !req
32. This is why we had
all those drills.Copy !req
33. Whatever.Copy !req
34. I'm going out there
to make a difference.Copy !req
35. Oh, come on!Copy !req
36. I'm Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
37. Tonight on News GlanceCopy !req
38. Is heroin the
new cure for cancer?Copy !req
39. What I don't know about things
will shock you.Copy !req
40. And cut. We're clear.Copy !req
41. You're late.Copy !req
42. You're
Genevieve Vavance?Copy !req
43. I thought I was working for
a real reporter.Copy !req
44. I am a real reporter.Copy !req
45. I broadcast live to Langley
Falls every night on channel 438Copy !req
46. after reruns of the
Taiwanese prayer breakfast.Copy !req
47. First pitch meeting
is this afternoon.Copy !req
48. Prepare to wow me.Copy !req
49. You're already
halfway there.Copy !req
50. I love that jacket.Copy !req
51. Is it…?Copy !req
52. Yeah. Cheap.Copy !req
53. All right.
It's time for me to answerCopy !req
54. your anonymous questions
about sex.Copy !req
55. "I've had sex three times."Copy !req
56. Kudos.Copy !req
57. But that's not a question.Copy !req
58. "What's it called when you
kiss someone on the toilet?"Copy !req
59. Good question.Copy !req
60. Scientists call that
a "San Diego Thank You."Copy !req
61. "Is it true that, during sex,
a woman's uterus can createCopy !req
62. a vacuum-like effect and suck
a person up inside of it?"Copy !req
63. Idiot.Copy !req
64. Hold up. Hold up.Copy !req
65. I recognize this handwriting.Copy !req
66. It's Steve Smith's.Copy !req
67. Loser!Copy !req
68. Hey, Steve! Look out…!Copy !req
69. Okay. Story ideas.Copy !req
70. Now, I don't know
where you worked before,Copy !req
71. but Genevieve Vavance does
things a little differently.Copy !req
72. Now, pitch.Copy !req
73. How 'bout we do a report
on the corruptionCopy !req
74. in the Langley Light Rail?Copy !req
75. No.Copy !req
76. Can we please getCopy !req
77. a bullet intern to make sure
I always have bullets?Copy !req
78. We had one.
We had one?Copy !req
79. What happened to her?Copy !req
80. Oh, that's right.Copy !req
81. She went back to school.Copy !req
82. She was great.Copy !req
83. She's gonna do great things.Copy !req
84. Well, I want to do an exposé
about Garbage Island.Copy !req
85. It's a giant mass of trash
polluting the Pacific Ocean.Copy !req
86. You know what's garbage?
That story.Copy !req
87. Come on, I need something juicy
to boost my ratings!Copy !req
88. I need a serial killer priest!Copy !req
89. I need a vegetarian cop!Copy !req
90. I need a senator cheating
on his wife with a bagel!Copy !req
91. All of you,
get out thereCopy !req
92. and find me
my JonBenét Ramsey!Copy !req
93. But Garbage Island is a story
that people need to hear.Copy !req
94. I'll tell you whatCopy !req
95. you find me a story
that gets me ratingsCopy !req
96. and I'll let you report
on as much idealistic
crap as you want.Copy !req
97. Genevieve?
My bagel and I are readyCopy !req
98. to tell our side
of the story.Copy !req
99. You have my ear, Senator.Copy !req
100. Today was awful.Copy !req
101. Someone spray paintedCopy !req
102. "Steve Smith thinks
vaginas suck"Copy !req
103. on my locker.Copy !req
104. So what?
People think you're gay.Copy !req
105. I wish!Copy !req
106. No one thinks I'm sexual at all,Copy !req
107. because of the stupid question
I asked in class.Copy !req
108. My day was worse.Copy !req
109. My new boss is Roger.Copy !req
110. I-I wanted to make
a difference in the world,Copy !req
111. but he just wants
a missing kid
to sensationalize.Copy !req
112. Missing kids are so lucky.Copy !req
113. I'd kill to
disappear right now.Copy !req
114. Wait a minute…Copy !req
115. What if you did disappear?Copy !req
116. What do you mean?Copy !req
117. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
118. We pretend
you were kidnappedCopy !req
119. and we hide you away
for a week,Copy !req
120. Roger gets his
missing person storyCopy !req
121. and then I get to do my exposé
on Garbage Island.Copy !req
122. That's great!Copy !req
123. By the time I get back,Copy !req
124. everyone will have
forgotten all aboutCopy !req
125. my ignorance of
the fairer sex!Copy !req
126. I'm not as concerned aboutCopy !req
127. what you're getting
out of it, but sure.Copy !req
128. I rented this cabin
for the next week.Copy !req
129. Y-You sure
you'll be okay?Copy !req
130. Of course!
I'll be fine.Copy !req
131. Geez, Steve.Copy !req
132. Four gallons of Lubriderm?Copy !req
133. You try living
with eczema.Copy !req
134. All right.Copy !req
135. Time to report
a disappearance.Copy !req
136. Hello?Copy !req
137. Genevieve?Copy !req
138. It's Hayley.Copy !req
139. I think I have
your story.Copy !req
140. My little brother
has gone missing!Copy !req
141. Steve is missing?Copy !req
142. How horrible for him.Copy !req
143. But fantastic for us!Copy !req
144. We can make this
national news!Copy !req
145. They said I wasn't
good enough for television.Copy !req
146. How do you like me now,
voices in my head?Copy !req
147. There's no pleasing you guys!Copy !req
148. No, not you, Marc.Copy !req
149. You're always super positive.Copy !req
150. Hard-hitting reporter.Copy !req
151. Truth seeker.Copy !req
152. Curves membership.Copy !req
153. This is News GlanceCopy !req
154. with Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
155. Sad news out of
Langley Falls tonight,Copy !req
156. stunningly gorgeous
high school student,Copy !req
157. Steve Smith,
has gone missing.Copy !req
158. Athletic. Chiseled. Missing.Copy !req
159. All we know right now is that
Steve was last seen at homeCopy !req
160. with his family
and he is adorable.Copy !req
161. This isn't some ugly kid
who went missing. No.Copy !req
162. This is a person who matters.Copy !req
163. To fully understand
the weight of this tragedy,Copy !req
164. let's take a look at some photos
of Steve to the song,Copy !req
165. "It's So Hard
to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,"Copy !req
166. from the notable Boyz II Men
album, "Cooleyhighharmony."Copy !req
167. It's too early to speculate
whether Steve is dead or alive,Copy !req
168. but, when we come back,
it won't be.Copy !req
169. And now,
a word from our sponsor,Copy !req
170. BeerWater.Copy !req
171. You can lead a horse to water,Copy !req
172. but you can't make him party.Copy !req
173. Unless you have BeerWater!Copy !req
174. BeerWater…
quench your sober.Copy !req
175. This is great, right?Copy !req
176. I just saw the early ratingsCopy !req
177. and we're holding 81 percentCopy !req
178. of the Taiwanese
prayer breakfast numbers.Copy !req
179. Yeah. Listen, now that
I got you your hot story,Copy !req
180. I get to do my report on
Garbage Island, right?Copy !req
181. Yeah. We're definitely
gonna do that.Copy !req
182. A thousand percent,
top priority on my mind.Copy !req
183. What the hell is that?Copy !req
184. And we…Copy !req
185. Look how sad everyone is.Copy !req
186. I did this!Copy !req
187. Officer, please,
find our baby boy.Copy !req
188. We're doing everything we can
with the evidence we have.Copy !req
189. Which… is…Copy !req
190. no evidence.Copy !req
191. But we will, uh…Copy !req
192. find him?Copy !req
193. Whoa. A monkey
holding a banana?Copy !req
194. So many Beanie Babies here
I haven't seen before.Copy !req
195. Francine, look at this one!Copy !req
196. It's a bear
in a bunny costume.Copy !req
197. What are you doing
in a bunny costume, bear?Copy !req
198. I'm here with the parents,
Stan and Francine Smith.Copy !req
199. Do you folks
have a statement?Copy !req
200. I just want
my baby to come home.Copy !req
201. Of course you do.Copy !req
202. But I'd let yourself
want other things, too.Copy !req
203. I mean, we're at a vigil.Copy !req
204. It's not like you have those
when things are going great.Copy !req
205. If you'll excuse me,Copy !req
206. I have to go
comfort my wife now.Copy !req
207. I bet a Beanie Baby
would cheer her up.Copy !req
208. Like this one.Copy !req
209. She might like this one.Copy !req
210. This one reminds me ofCopy !req
211. Abigail Breslin.Copy !req
212. Not so much the way it looks,
but its energy.Copy !req
213. Great work, Hayley!Copy !req
214. This story is
just what I needed.Copy !req
215. I know, but I feel awful.Copy !req
216. My mom is devastated.Copy !req
217. Well, yeah,
her little baby's missing.Copy !req
218. Th-That's the thing,
he's…Copy !req
219. …he's not really missing.Copy !req
220. I, I kind of staged
the whole thing.Copy !req
221. Oh, my God, Hayley!Copy !req
222. You're a journalist!
What?Copy !req
223. Sure!Copy !req
224. We don't report the news,
we make it.Copy !req
225. Accuracy is so time-consuming.Copy !req
226. Fiction is the new fact.Copy !req
227. Roger, these people
need to know thatCopy !req
228. Steve isn't missing, okay?Copy !req
229. I got to come clean on this.Copy !req
230. You know what else
has to come clean?Copy !req
231. Garbage Island.Copy !req
232. Don't you still
want to do your report?Copy !req
233. Of course I do!Copy !req
234. But, uh,
my mom, she's so torn up.Copy !req
235. Look, just let this ride
for one more day, all right?Copy !req
236. Besides, the more popular
the story gets,Copy !req
237. the more viewers we'll haveCopy !req
238. for your bummer piece
on Garbage Island.Copy !req
239. Fine.Copy !req
240. One more day.Copy !req
241. All right.
I'm gonna take a lap.Copy !req
242. It's super easy to take peoples'
wallets while they're crying.Copy !req
243. Justice hunter. Philanthropist.Copy !req
244. Has a Gmail account.Copy !req
245. This is News Glance
with Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
246. Been a tough day for all of us
here at the Glance.Copy !req
247. Steve Smith has now been
missing for 36 hours.Copy !req
248. I'm joined by some of
Steve's classmates.Copy !req
249. You look like
the type of girlsCopy !req
250. who do a lot of
regrettable things.Copy !req
251. How does it feel today,Copy !req
252. knowing you'll probably
never get to hit that?Copy !req
253. Sad. Steve was
really cute.Copy !req
254. I guess I just wish
I could've hit that.Copy !req
255. It's so important
to have sex with peopleCopy !req
256. before they go missing.Copy !req
257. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
258. All those girls want me?Copy !req
259. Awesome!Copy !req
260. The longer I stay in this cabin,
the more laid I'm gonna get!Copy !req
261. Yeah.Copy !req
262. More volume!Copy !req
263. I want it super big!Copy !req
264. You're doing a great job.Copy !req
265. I know I'm demanding,
but I'm working on it.Copy !req
266. But it also got me
where I am today.Copy !req
267. So when I ask you to
make it super big,Copy !req
268. I mean, make it super big!Copy !req
269. I will murder you!Copy !req
270. I'm sorry.
Work in progress.Copy !req
271. God is not finished
with this gal.Copy !req
272. Hey, Genevieve, I'm all set to
do my story on Garbage Island.Copy !req
273. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we'll get to it.Copy !req
274. But first, I got an
exclusive with the parents.Copy !req
275. Wait. What?Copy !req
276. And we're back.Copy !req
277. I'm here tonight
with Stan and Francine Smith,Copy !req
278. heartbroken parents of America's
missing son, Steve Smith.Copy !req
279. Stan, Francine,Copy !req
280. why did you murder your son?Copy !req
281. What?
Not ready to confess?Copy !req
282. Let's look at some statistics.Copy !req
283. 100% of the time a child goes
missing, the parents did it.Copy !req
284. Legally not a fact.Copy !req
285. What are you talking about?Copy !req
286. And where'd you hide the body?Copy !req
287. We didn't
hide the body.Copy !req
288. So you admit there's a body?Copy !req
289. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
290. I'm sorry.
Its been a long week.Copy !req
291. Emotions are running wild.Copy !req
292. Can I get you something?
A BeerWater perhaps?Copy !req
293. No, thanks.
That stuff gives me diarrhea.Copy !req
294. Stan, are you close
with your son?Copy !req
295. No, but that doesn't mean
I murdered him!Copy !req
296. Interesting.
Can we play that back?Copy !req
297. I murdered him!Copy !req
298. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
299. We have
to take a break.Copy !req
300. BeerWater…Copy !req
301. it won't give you diarrhea.Copy !req
302. Just keep it natural.Copy !req
303. You guys are doing great.
You're coming off super likable.Copy !req
304. Francine, how many times
did you stab your son?Copy !req
305. None!
Huh.Copy !req
306. Well, my team and I
created a reenactmentCopy !req
307. of what we believe happened
the night Steve disappeared.Copy !req
308. You know what
I've been thinking about lately?Copy !req
309. How Steve is the worst?Copy !req
310. Yes! I kind of want
to murder him.Copy !req
311. Great idea!
We'll use my knife!Copy !req
312. Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!Copy !req
313. Just coming in here to love you.Copy !req
314. I… forgive… you.Copy !req
315. Gruesome stuff.Copy !req
316. Can you two stick around
for my next guest? Yeah?Copy !req
317. Well, please welcome
Officer Keith Benson!Copy !req
318. What?Copy !req
319. Stan and Francine Smith,Copy !req
320. you are under arrest for
the murder of your son.Copy !req
321. What the hell?Copy !req
322. We didn't kill him!Copy !req
323. We love our son!Copy !req
324. Wait! Officer, please!Copy !req
325. You're making a mistake!Copy !req
326. Tragic.Copy !req
327. After the break bulimia.Copy !req
328. Bad for you,
but is it good for your toilet?Copy !req
329. Find out tonight at 11:00.Copy !req
330. Are you crazy?Copy !req
331. You let my mom and
dad go to jail?Copy !req
332. Now, I know you're angry, but
try not to let that come throughCopy !req
333. when you do your report
on Garbage Island, which is now!Copy !req
334. Go!Copy !req
335. Um… m-mo-most people like to
get wasted on an exotic island,Copy !req
336. but this island is waste.Copy !req
337. I'm sorry. I can't do this.Copy !req
338. Isn't she a trouper?Copy !req
339. Still trying to save the worldCopy !req
340. when, just moments ago,
she learnedCopy !req
341. that her parents murdered
her little handsome brother.Copy !req
342. They murdered her brother!Copy !req
343. Camera two,
they murdered her brother!Copy !req
344. I'm sorry. Cut! Cut!
I can't do this!Copy !req
345. Okay, from the top.Copy !req
346. Steve!
My orchestra!Copy !req
347. Pack your bags, Steve.
We're going home.Copy !req
348. Home? Are you crazy?Copy !req
349. "Steve Fever" is starting
to build.Copy !req
350. I'll be dropping more pantiesCopy !req
351. than when Mr. Bean worked
at Victoria's Secret.Copy !req
352. Haven't you been watching?Copy !req
353. Mom and Dad got arrested!Copy !req
354. Huh?
Yeah. This kidnapping
is officially over.Copy !req
355. Un… expected… twist!Copy !req
356. It is with a heavy heartCopy !req
357. that I must report one
of my own journalists,Copy !req
358. Hayley Smith,
kidnapped her brotherCopy !req
359. and framed her own parents
for his murder!Copy !req
360. Let her take the fall,Copy !req
361. or you're going down with her.Copy !req
362. Thank God we found him!Copy !req
363. He seems to be okay,
at least above the waist.Copy !req
364. Steve, did she do stuff to you?Copy !req
365. Oh, God, she did!Copy !req
366. Camera two,Copy !req
367. she did!Copy !req
368. What?Copy !req
369. These are all lies!Copy !req
370. Steve, tell them
the truth!Copy !req
371. Genevieve Vavance is right!Copy !req
372. My sister kidnapped me!Copy !req
373. Steve!Copy !req
374. We got a runner!Copy !req
375. You cops split up
and comb each side of the river.Copy !req
376. Don't come back
until you get her!Copy !req
377. Genevieve,
is that you?Copy !req
378. It's me… Edward.Copy !req
379. Edward? No.Copy !req
380. No, you can't be Edward.Copy !req
381. Edward weighed at least
25 pounds more than you.Copy !req
382. I lost that weight
in the academy.Copy !req
383. You look good, Genny.Copy !req
384. I see you kept my name.Copy !req
385. Only because
it was TV-ready.Copy !req
386. I'm married
to my career now.Copy !req
387. You always were.Copy !req
388. I got to go, Eddie.Copy !req
389. My story's leaving,
and I got to chase it.Copy !req
390. Hey, Sarge,
was that her?Copy !req
391. I get it now.Copy !req
392. Hey, you mind if I borrow
your Metro section?Copy !req
393. Sure.Copy !req
394. Tonight, don't miss The Steve
Smith Homecoming SpectacularCopy !req
395. hosted live by legendary
reporter Genevieve Vavance,Copy !req
396. with a special tributeCopy !req
397. by universally-likable
crooner Josh Groban!Copy !req
398. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
399. it's The Steve Smith
Homecoming Spectacular!Copy !req
400. Please welcome special
musical guest Josh Groban!Copy !req
401. And please welcome
my dear friendCopy !req
402. and spiritual guide,
Miss Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
403. Thanks, Grobes.
See you next month in Mexico.Copy !req
404. I put your name on the room,Copy !req
405. in case you want
to check in before me.Copy !req
406. And now let's have
a big welcome back forCopy !req
407. Steve Smith and his parents,
Stan and Francine!Copy !req
408. Thank you
for being here.Copy !req
409. Now, let's start
with the parents.Copy !req
410. How thankful are youCopy !req
411. that my accusing you of murder
has brought an endCopy !req
412. to this terrible ordeal?Copy !req
413. On a scale
from 90 to 100.Copy !req
414. Then… 90.Copy !req
415. 90. Wow! Still an A!Copy !req
416. They don't just give those out!Copy !req
417. And Steve Smith,Copy !req
418. here you are, safe, free,Copy !req
419. the nightmare
behind you.Copy !req
420. Tell us what was it like to
be kidnapped by your own sister?Copy !req
421. Well, I…Copy !req
422. I'm not sure.Copy !req
423. Is that right?Copy !req
424. Well, maybe
the teleprompter can help.Copy !req
425. Um… I… Well…Copy !req
426. Uh, I had heard
that there was never a timeCopy !req
427. you weren't certain
you were going to die.Copy !req
428. Every girl
in that crowd wants you.Copy !req
429. Just read the damn prompter.Copy !req
430. "My crazy sister locked me upCopy !req
431. and made me kiss a raccoon
on the mouth…"Copy !req
432. No! That's not true.Copy !req
433. None of this is!Copy !req
434. Wha-What-What?Copy !req
435. I can't do this.Copy !req
436. My sister didn't kidnap me.Copy !req
437. I humiliated myself at school,
so she helped me hide.Copy !req
438. This entire thing was staged.Copy !req
439. And Genevieve Vavance
was in on it.Copy !req
440. Yes, I staged
Steve's kidnapping,Copy !req
441. but Genevieve Vavance
knew about it.Copy !req
442. She had my parents
arrested for a crimeCopy !req
443. she knew they
didn't commit,Copy !req
444. and when I told her to stop,
she framed me, too.Copy !req
445. We trusted you!Copy !req
446. You're supposed
to be a journalist!Copy !req
447. I can't read!
I depend on you!Copy !req
448. Whoa!
Aah!Copy !req
449. Uh, uh, everyone,
a big handCopy !req
450. for the BeerWater
mermaids!Copy !req
451. Hayley, I'm sorry I let
everyone think you kidnapped me.Copy !req
452. No, Steve.Copy !req
453. I'm the one who owes
you an apology.Copy !req
454. I just wanted to be a journalist
and get the truth out there,Copy !req
455. but I ended up compromising
all my beliefs along the way.Copy !req
456. I learned my lesson.Copy !req
457. I'll never be ambitious again.Copy !req
458. Hayley, I have no idea
what's going on,Copy !req
459. but it sounds like
I should be proud of you.Copy !req
460. That ballad
was supposed to beCopy !req
461. my "Candle in the Wind,"
you dicks!Copy !req
462. All right, I'm gonna do the
bumpers for the next few shows.Copy !req
463. Just keep it rollin'.
I ain't doing this twice.Copy !req
464. What household item could
kill you in the next half-hour?Copy !req
465. We'll tell you tonight…
at 11:00!Copy !req
466. Easily surprised?
You'll be shockedCopy !req
467. by what you learn
tonight at 11:00.Copy !req
468. Texting and driving…
how it may save your life.Copy !req
469. Tonight at 11:00!Copy !req
470. Is Mario Lopez gay?Copy !req
471. We make irresponsible guesses,
tonight at 11:00.Copy !req
472. The results will shock him.Copy !req
473. Tonight, at 11:00, teens are
having sex younger and younger.Copy !req
474. Want to watch?Copy !req
475. Bye! Have a beautiful time.Copy !req
476. Captioned by Point.360Copy !req