1. Aah!Copy !req
2. Where the hell's
my Red DawDVD?Copy !req
3. I told Steve
to alphabetize these.Copy !req
4. Oh, honey,
cut him a little slack.Copy !req
5. He just started
his first summer job.Copy !req
6. Why don't I alphabetize them?Copy !req
7. No! I asked Steve to do this.Copy !req
8. And he did a half-ass job.Copy !req
9. It may not seem important,Copy !req
10. but he needs to learn to do
everything with his full ass.Copy !req
11. Steve, there you are.Copy !req
12. I told you
to alphabetize the DVDs.Copy !req
13. And I can't find Red Dawn.Copy !req
14. Dad, can I unwind
for a minute?Copy !req
15. I'm walking in from
a hard day at work.Copy !req
16. Hard day?Copy !req
17. You work at a grocery store.Copy !req
18. You know
who actually works hard?Copy !req
19. Machines.Copy !req
20. Machines work non-stop
for years.Copy !req
21. I mean, take my watch.Copy !req
22. Where's my watch?Copy !req
23. You left it in the hotel roomCopy !req
24. in Orlando last spring.Copy !req
25. Wow. You can go a long timeCopy !req
26. without needing a watch.Copy !req
27. Dad, Red Dawn
is right here.Copy !req
28. It just got switched
with Red Sonja.Copy !req
29. No, I want you to
re-alphabetize these.Copy !req
30. Switching isn't
alphabetizing.Copy !req
31. What's the difference?
They're all in order now.Copy !req
32. What's the difference?Copy !req
33. You do things the right way,
you have a good life.Copy !req
34. You do things the wrong way,
you end up riding the rails.Copy !req
35. What?Copy !req
36. Wh-What does that even mean?Copy !req
37. It means do it the right way!Copy !req
38. Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
39. I have a Father of the
Year award to accept.Copy !req
40. And the Pappy goes to...Copy !req
41. (gasps)
my man, Stan Smith.Copy !req
42. Thank you, Alan Thicke.Copy !req
43. This is amazing.Copy !req
44. Honey!Copy !req
45. I told you I'm using
the garage for my award show!Copy !req
46. Park on the street!Copy !req
47. I am so sick of
this crap, Alan!Copy !req
48. You're ruining my thing!Copy !req
49. I'm sorry, it's over.Copy !req
50. But it's not you.Copy !req
51. You know that, right?Copy !req
52. It's not you.Copy !req
53. It's your body.Copy !req
54. Hey, knock that off!Copy !req
55. I'm dumping this girl,Copy !req
56. and your sad music
is making her cry.Copy !req
57. Uh, I don't think
it's the music, buddy.Copy !req
58. I do. In fact, I'm surprised
your crappy playingCopy !req
59. hasn't driven everyone
in this place to tears.Copy !req
60. Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you come up hereCopy !req
61. if you think you can do better?Copy !req
62. I don't even play guitar.Copy !req
63. But you suck so hard,
I bet I couldCopy !req
64. be better than you in a week.Copy !req
65. Donald!
It's okay.Copy !req
66. Wait, if you don't play,Copy !req
67. why are you wearing a
Martin Guitar T-shirt?Copy !req
68. That's 'cause I'm
a hipster, dumb-ass.Copy !req
69. We pretend to be stuff.Copy !req
70. All right, Mr. Hip.Copy !req
71. Meet me back here in a week,Copy !req
72. and let's see who's better.Copy !req
73. Loser never shows his
face in here again.Copy !req
74. I'll do you one better.Copy !req
75. The loser never comes back
here even in a mask.Copy !req
76. See you in a week, Mr. Hip.Copy !req
77. See you in a week, um...Copy !req
78. Jamal.Copy !req
79. Your name's Jamal?
But you're white.Copy !req
80. So?Copy !req
81. Is this really the first timeCopy !req
82. you've had this conversation?Copy !req
83. Come on, Jamal.Copy !req
84. What do you think's going on?Copy !req
85. Seems like everyone's
getting calledCopy !req
86. into Bullock's office today.Copy !req
87. Uh-oh, I know that cry.Copy !req
88. Either they're
making budget cutsCopy !req
89. or all our parents got
in a car accident again.Copy !req
90. Smith?Copy !req
91. Sir, am I getting fired?Copy !req
92. (laughing):
I wouldn't say that.Copy !req
93. I'd say "sacked."Copy !req
94. Because that's more
what Austin Powers would say.Copy !req
95. I do a great Austin Powers
impression.Copy !req
96. (poor Austin Powers impression):
You're sacked, baby!Copy !req
97. But I've worked here 20 years.Copy !req
98. You're just eliminating
the position?Copy !req
99. Oh, no, what you do
is important.Copy !req
100. I just found someone
who will do it cheaper.Copy !req
101. Meet Agent Gary.Copy !req
102. Gary's a half-wit.Copy !req
103. But he only costs half as much.Copy !req
104. Gary, stop rubbing
the stapler on your pants.Copy !req
105. So, that's it?Copy !req
106. I'm out of a job just like that?Copy !req
107. Yup, it's pretty crazy
how life can change so quickly.Copy !req
108. Here's another example of how
life can change so quickly.Copy !req
109. Ha-hey! Am I in time for a show?Copy !req
110. No, I challenged some dick
to a guitar duel.Copy !req
111. Now get out of here,
I need to practice.Copy !req
112. Go play in your attic
if you don't want an audience.Copy !req
113. (groans) Stairs.Copy !req
114. All right, how
hard could this be?Copy !req
115. The shape is pretty
self-explanatory.Copy !req
116. Roger, I-I thought you knew
how to play the guitar.Copy !req
117. I used to.Copy !req
118. But you know the part of your
brain that deals with music?Copy !req
119. I took some PCP and
just destroyed it.Copy !req
120. Hey, why don't you
order some DVDsCopy !req
121. from that Latin guy
with the infomercials?Copy !req
122. Lorenzo!Copy !req
123. That's genius, Hayley.Copy !req
124. Wonder how come I never
have any great ideas?Copy !req
125. I mean, could it be the PCP?Copy !req
126. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
127. Let's find out!Copy !req
128. Shoot, left my lighter
in the attic.Copy !req
129. (groans) Stairs.Copy !req
130. You know, Mr. Smith,
I'd like to give you the job.Copy !req
131. And the way you opened
an entire pack of StarburstsCopy !req
132. with your tongue
was really impressive.Copy !req
133. But I just don't think
you're qualified.Copy !req
134. But I've worked for the
CIA for the last 20 years.Copy !req
135. Yes, I see you put
that on your résumé.Copy !req
136. But it's not
on your permanent record.Copy !req
137. "Permanent record"?Copy !req
138. That's a real thing?Copy !req
139. Well, if it wasn't,
how would I knowCopy !req
140. that in fifth grade you triedCopy !req
141. to get out of a math test
by putting a slice of pizzaCopy !req
142. in your underwear
and saying it was your period?Copy !req
143. That's on there?Copy !req
144. All right, first of all,
that never happened.Copy !req
145. Second of all, it was a calzone.Copy !req
146. I'm sorry, Mr. Smith.Copy !req
147. But with a permanent record
like this,Copy !req
148. no one's going to hire you.Copy !req
149. Oh, you know what it must be?Copy !req
150. My CIA work isn't on there
because it's classified.Copy !req
151. Here, talk to my boss.Copy !req
152. Yeah, hi, this is ShaunCopy !req
153. over at Buffalo Wild Wings
corporate.Copy !req
154. I-I'm sorry to bother you,
but I'm sitting hereCopy !req
155. with a Stan Smith,
who claims he worked for you.Copy !req
156. He-he did?Copy !req
157. (laughs)
Oh, is that right?Copy !req
158. Okay.Copy !req
159. Eh, nice try, but that was
clearly one of your friends.Copy !req
160. He gave me the old
"Now that I told you,Copy !req
161. I'm gonna have to kill you"
joke.Copy !req
162. Hi, Stan.Copy !req
163. You got to stop
telling people, Stan.Copy !req
164. So according
to my permanent record,Copy !req
165. the last job I had
was in collegeCopy !req
166. sweeping up hair.Copy !req
167. Working at a barbershop
shows initiative.Copy !req
168. Barbershop?Copy !req
169. It was a White Castle.Copy !req
170. I finished raking
all the leaves.Copy !req
171. Did you clean the gutters?Copy !req
172. There was nothing in them.Copy !req
173. Then get a ladder and go upCopy !req
174. and stuff the leaves
in the gutters.Copy !req
175. Then clean the gutters.
But that's...Copy !req
176. They won't always be clean.Copy !req
177. You need to be prepared
for that day.Copy !req
178. Full ass, son.Copy !req
179. (sighs)
Fine, I'll do it after work.Copy !req
180. Wait, Steve, didn't you sayCopy !req
181. someone got fired
at the grocery store?Copy !req
182. Stan, maybe you
could take that job.Copy !req
183. Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
184. Uh, uh, Dad doesn't
want that job.Copy !req
185. It's-it's entry level.Copy !req
186. Well, I got to start somewhere.Copy !req
187. Yay, I don't have
to get a job!Copy !req
188. Hey, Steve, did you see that
guy earlier buying condoms?Copy !req
189. And now this lady's
getting tampons.Copy !req
190. This day is crazy.Copy !req
191. I didn't know grocery
stores were so sexy.Copy !req
192. Have fun.Copy !req
193. You know that chick has sex.Copy !req
194. Dad, come on,
we're working.Copy !req
195. Hey, Steve.Copy !req
196. Rick just quit.Copy !req
197. So, how would you like to beCopy !req
198. the new assistant manager?Copy !req
199. Would I?Copy !req
200. Sir, I've got so much moreCopy !req
201. workforce experience
than Steve.Copy !req
202. Yeah, but Steve's
been here a month.Copy !req
203. So, Steve, here's
your huge key ring.Copy !req
204. Oh, boy, now I have access
to the teeth-whitening kitsCopy !req
205. and all liquor over $40!Copy !req
206. Well, congratulations, Steve.Copy !req
207. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
208. Now go take the pieces
of dead onion skinCopy !req
209. out of the shopping baskets.Copy !req
210. This totally blows.Copy !req
211. I worked for the CIA
for 20 years, you know.Copy !req
212. You really got to put
a sock in it, Stan!Copy !req
213. I don't like your tune.Copy !req
214. Now, when you're done with this,Copy !req
215. I need you to go count
the tomatoes.Copy !req
216. Geez, why are you
being so bossy?Copy !req
217. 'Cause I'm your boss.Copy !req
218. Not if I quit.Copy !req
219. Yeah? You thinkCopy !req
220. your permanent record
looks bad now?Copy !req
221. Think how it'll look if you quitCopy !req
222. your only job in 20 years.Copy !req
223. (laughs) Quit.Copy !req
224. In your dreams.Copy !req
225. Steve, they just
delivered the butter.Copy !req
226. One of your new
responsibilitiesCopy !req
227. is to show the baggers
how to stock it.Copy !req
228. Yes, sir. I'm on it.Copy !req
229. So, we're right behind
the butter shelves.Copy !req
230. Whoa! How long has
this place been here?Copy !req
231. Get your jaw off
the floor and start stocking.Copy !req
232. And don't let the butter sit
on the ground too longCopy !req
233. because the fridges
put out some major heat.Copy !req
234. Got it?Copy !req
235. It won't fit.Copy !req
236. You got to take it
out of the crate, dummy.Copy !req
237. Then you make it fit.Copy !req
238. Lay the butter like bricks.Copy !req
239. With the labels facing out.Copy !req
240. Got it?Copy !req
241. Yeah, I got it.Copy !req
242. I earned a break.Copy !req
243. I'll be napping
in the blood pressure chair.Copy !req
244. What's this?Copy !req
245. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
246. No, start over
and do it right.Copy !req
247. Oh, that poor,
mentally-disabled man.Copy !req
248. I'm not mentally disabled!Copy !req
249. Well, you don't know
how to stack butter, so...Copy !req
250. Hey, your guitar DVD came.Copy !req
251. What the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
252. You're battling that guy in
the coffee shop in two days.Copy !req
253. Oh, my God,
that's so important to me!Copy !req
254. Quick, put it in the DVD player!Copy !req
255. Just skip to the first lesson.Copy !req
256. I don't have a lot
of time to learn.Copy !req
257. Now it is your turn.Copy !req
258. Start with the G chord,Copy !req
259. which you finger like this.Copy !req
260. (groans)
He's going too fast.Copy !req
261. I'll pause.Copy !req
262. I think I got it.Copy !req
263. Ready?
Yeah.Copy !req
264. Now strum.Copy !req
265. Aah! It's got me!Copy !req
266. Well, I guess this
is my hand now.Copy !req
267. I hate working
at that store!Copy !req
268. Steve just
bosses me around.Copy !req
269. The only good thing is
that the stock boysCopy !req
270. are teaching
me Spanish,Copy !req
271. so that's pretty
cállate gringo.Copy !req
272. Dad, why on Earth
did you make meCopy !req
273. take all of our spare light
bulbs out of their boxes?Copy !req
274. Stan, is this just
to get back at SteveCopy !req
275. for bossing you around
at the store?Copy !req
276. Are you accusing me of
being vindictive, Francine?Copy !req
277. Because I will destroy you!Copy !req
278. Besides, there's a reasonCopy !req
279. I'm making him do
all these things.Copy !req
280. Now take off your shoes
and sweep up that glass.Copy !req
281. Take off
my shoes?Copy !req
282. Take 'em off.Copy !req
283. Oh, you're in for it
tomorrow, mister.Copy !req
284. The regional manager's
coming for our reviewCopy !req
285. and I'm gonna
be busting your ass all day.Copy !req
286. I'll just
call in sick.Copy !req
287. I'll tell them
you're faking.Copy !req
288. And you'll get fired.Copy !req
289. Then how will you
support your woman?Copy !req
290. How will you keep her
glowing in such finery?Copy !req
291. That's right.Copy !req
292. Now you're getting it!Copy !req
293. No, I'm not,
and there's no wayCopy !req
294. I'll learn by tomorrow!Copy !req
295. Not learning fast enough?Copy !req
296. What the hell?Copy !req
297. How are you...Copy !req
298. I am Lorenzo.Copy !req
299. AKA Old Scratch.Copy !req
300. I can offer you a shortcut
to guitar mastery,Copy !req
301. but it comes at
an ironic price.Copy !req
302. Yeah, yeah, I'll
pay any price.Copy !req
303. You realize I'm the Devil
and... and you're makingCopy !req
304. what is called
a Faustian bargain, right?Copy !req
305. Yeah, sure,
sure, sure.
Really?Copy !req
306. 'Cause you don't sound
like you understandCopy !req
307. the gravity
of the ironic price.Copy !req
308. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's fine.Copy !req
309. I mean, I really
have to crushCopy !req
310. this punk at
the coffee shop.Copy !req
311. He's got this stupid
little goatee...Copy !req
312. Ah! Enough!
Enough.Copy !req
313. I'm sure your
reasons are terrificCopy !req
314. if you are willing
to pay with your soul.Copy !req
315. Wait, my soul?Copy !req
316. My Kia Soul?Copy !req
317. How am I supposed to get
to my shift at Dairy Queen?Copy !req
318. Stacey, it's Roger.Copy !req
319. Hey, can you cover
my 3:00 to 7:00 tonight?Copy !req
320. Oh, my soul!Copy !req
321. Never mind.Copy !req
322. Hey, are you going
to Jake's party?Copy !req
323. Tom, I gotta say.Copy !req
324. You hit a solid double here.Copy !req
325. I'm just happy
to get on base.Copy !req
326. I make the baseball
references...Copy !req
327. Oh. My. God.Copy !req
328. Holy moly.Copy !req
329. Stan, what's going on?Copy !req
330. There's butter melting
all over the place!Copy !req
331. Yeah, I, uh,
I could only fitCopy !req
332. one crate
on the shelf.Copy !req
333. The rest is by the
refrigeration exhaust.Copy !req
334. Steve, you were
supposed to show StanCopy !req
335. how to stock the butter!Copy !req
336. Yeah, I sure
could have usedCopy !req
337. some supervision
on that one.Copy !req
338. Wh-What?Copy !req
339. I-I showed you!Copy !req
340. Clearly not well enough.Copy !req
341. And I'm a sponge,
I was waiting for it.Copy !req
342. This is not
good, Steve.Copy !req
343. It's just lucky
no one got hurt.Copy !req
344. Joshua!Copy !req
345. I'm sorry, Steve,Copy !req
346. but I'm gonna have
to let you go.Copy !req
347. But...
No buts.Copy !req
348. Now let's have
the apron.Copy !req
349. It's always hard
to see a young boyCopy !req
350. tarnish his permanent record.Copy !req
351. Hold on.Copy !req
352. This'll be on his
permanent record?Copy !req
353. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
354. He was assistant managerCopy !req
355. and he didn't show you
how to put the butter away.Copy !req
356. That's something
every employerCopy !req
357. for the rest of his life
is gonna want to know.Copy !req
358. Yeah, if he can even find a job.Copy !req
359. Oh, God!Copy !req
360. What have I done?Copy !req
361. I showed him how
to stock the butterCopy !req
362. and he did it wrong on purpose.Copy !req
363. He got me fired!Copy !req
364. But he still has
his job, right?Copy !req
365. I can keep
my finery?Copy !req
366. You!Copy !req
367. You have a lot of nerve
showing your face here!Copy !req
368. You're right to
be mad, Steve.Copy !req
369. And it's worse
than you think.Copy !req
370. I got you fired...Copy !req
371. and now it's on your
permanent record.Copy !req
372. Good lord.Copy !req
373. My future...Copy !req
374. He's gonna be
ridin' the rails, Stan!Copy !req
375. It's come to
our attention!Copy !req
376. That your son's run
out of options.Copy !req
377. The Army'll
take him!Copy !req
378. Get out of here,
you damn vulture!Copy !req
379. Thank you for your service.Copy !req
380. Dad, what are we doing
at your old office?Copy !req
381. Well, the CIA was able to keepCopy !req
382. my 20 years with them
off my permanent record,Copy !req
383. so they must have
access to them.Copy !req
384. Okay, but why'd
you drag me along?Copy !req
385. Well, I don't have
my badge anymore,Copy !req
386. so I need your help
getting into the building.Copy !req
387. And how am I
supposed to do that?Copy !req
388. Like this.Copy !req
389. Ow!Copy !req
390. Okay, I just have to log inCopy !req
391. and see how they access
the permanent records.Copy !req
392. Damn it, they already
deleted my password!Copy !req
393. Your password
was one letter?Copy !req
394. Yeah, it's, like, super easy
to remember that way.Copy !req
395. Well, I guess
this was a dead end.Copy !req
396. Or...Copy !req
397. maybe we could go
to the basement,Copy !req
398. 'cause that's whereCopy !req
399. the Permanent Record
Department is.Copy !req
400. This is Deputy Director BullockCopy !req
401. reminding you that secrets
are meant to be kept.Copy !req
402. Now, back to
the elevator music.Copy !req
403. (singing):
♪ Friday night it was lateCopy !req
404. It's a permanent record!Copy !req
405. "Martin McGowan pretended
to pick up his dog's poop,Copy !req
406. but just grabbed at the air
and kept walking."Copy !req
407. Wow.Copy !req
408. They are on top of stuff.Copy !req
409. Come on, let's find yours.Copy !req
410. Here it is.Copy !req
411. "Fired from grocery storeCopy !req
412. for incompetent management."Copy !req
413. Don't worry,
we'll fix that.Copy !req
414. "And it was totally not
Steve's fault."Copy !req
415. There.Copy !req
416. Now, to spice it up.Copy !req
417. "Steve Smith lost his virginityCopy !req
418. "after a romantic candlelight
dinner on the beach.Copy !req
419. "He suggested
taking things slow,Copy !req
420. "but she was voracious,Copy !req
421. "with an unquenchable
sex-thirst.Copy !req
422. And he did a good job."Copy !req
423. Solid.Copy !req
424. Now, let's get
outta here.
Freeze!Copy !req
425. Sir, we were just
trying to repairCopy !req
426. Steve's
permanent record.Copy !req
427. He shouldn't be burdenedCopy !req
428. for the rest of his life
for something I did.Copy !req
429. Well, that's the system.Copy !req
430. And when I send this downstairs,Copy !req
431. you'll be a virgin again,
Master Smith.Copy !req
432. You're in charge of
the permanent records?Copy !req
433. I play many
roles here.Copy !req
434. I also design
the company softball shirts.Copy !req
435. It came to me in a dream.Copy !req
436. Daddy, the bombs came.Copy !req
437. It's C-4, Gary,Copy !req
438. and I am not
your father.Copy !req
439. What about
the detonators?Copy !req
440. They came, too.Copy !req
441. I put them in the bombs
so Gary wouldn't lose them.Copy !req
442. Did you set the
timer on these?Copy !req
443. Uh-huh, Gary
making oatmeal.Copy !req
444. Almost ready.
(ticking)Copy !req
445. Good God, you're gonna
blow up this office!Copy !req
446. We've got to get
this C-4 out of here!Copy !req
447. Uh-oh!Copy !req
448. Steve, throw me
more bricks.Copy !req
449. It's just like
the butter!Copy !req
450. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
451. Go, Dad!Copy !req
452. Yay!Copy !req
453. Oatmeal time!Copy !req
454. Gary, you're fired!Copy !req
455. Stan, you got your job back.Copy !req
456. Thank you for saving
our lives, Smith.Copy !req
457. Well, actually, you
should be thanking Steve.Copy !req
458. I was only able to
stack the C-4 so fastCopy !req
459. because Steve was
so hard on meCopy !req
460. at the grocery
store.Copy !req
461. Oh. Well-well,
I just did thatCopy !req
462. because you were such
a jerk to me at home.Copy !req
463. I'm not trying to
be a jerk, Steve.Copy !req
464. I'm trying to save you from
a life of ridin' the rails.Copy !req
465. Dad, that's just
an expression.Copy !req
466. Tell that
to Tony Lura.Copy !req
467. He half-assed
it all summerCopy !req
468. on the grill at
White Castle.Copy !req
469. A lot of people got
really sick, actually.Copy !req
470. Then he just
disappeared.Copy !req
471. Last anyone
saw of him,Copy !req
472. he was hoppin' the
Union Pacific LineCopy !req
473. with all of his
possessions in a sock.Copy !req
474. Oh.Copy !req
475. Well, thanks for
looking out for me, Dad.Copy !req
476. I sure wouldn't want
to end up like Tony Lura.Copy !req
477. No, you wouldn't, son.Copy !req
478. And, son, that's whyCopy !req
479. you don't want to end up
like Stan Smith,Copy !req
480. the White Castle employee
who did everything right.Copy !req
481. 'Cause what did it get him?Copy !req
482. A government job fighting
for so-called freedomCopy !req
483. from the confines of a cubicle.Copy !req
484. Well, this is my cubicle!Copy !req
485. And this is real freedom!Copy !req
486. You understand, son?Copy !req
487. Yep.Copy !req
488. The world is our oyster!Copy !req
489. (applause)
They're clapping
'cause it's over.Copy !req
490. You get the drift, I win.Copy !req
491. Listen, buddy, you clearly won,
but I really need this gig.Copy !req
492. I tell you what— you
seem like a nice guy.Copy !req
493. What if I let you
keep playing hereCopy !req
494. and you just cover
the price of my lessons?Copy !req
495. That'd be amazing!Copy !req
496. Then it's a deal.Copy !req
497. Bye! Have a beautiful time.Copy !req