American Dad! 9x17

Directed by Shawn Murray

John Leguizamo as Luís Ramírez (voice) • Phil LaMarr as Agent Crisp (voice) • Erik Durbin as Crisp's Henchman (voice) • Alex Cuthbertson as Crisp's Henchman (voice) • Mike Barker as Crisp's Henchman (voice)

Stan is shocked when he is told that Deputy Director Bullock is showing early signs of dementia and needs his memory erased; Roger hires an old friend to help Steve with a bully at school.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Aah!

2. Oh, Stan...

3. I love having date night on a Tuesday.

4. And it's Taco Tuesday,

5. where all the tacos are two for one.

6. Your frugality is so sexy.

7. I brought a garbage bag

8. that we can fill with chips.

9. You know, maybe with all the money we're saving

10. on Mexican food,

11. we can finally buy a new couch.

12. Too many animals have given birth on the old one.

13. Stan...?

14. Are you listening?

15. Yeah, uh...

16. I was, I was just looking at, uh...

17. the-the alcohol.

18. H-H-Have they always served hard alcohol here?

19. Stan, you have two Jack and Cokes in front of you.

20. You get them every time we come here.

21. Jack is alcohol?

22. Why, I always thought it was slang.

23. Like, "That soda be so cheap you Jack and Coke, son."

24. You just couldn't keep your eyes off

25. that slutty bartender, could you?

26. Wait, what?

27. Are you just guessing that she's slutty,

28. or have you heard something?

29. Well, we're in the driveway

30. and that's where all conversations end.

31. I'm gonna go deal with the B-side of Taco Tuesday.

32. See you at sex later?

33. Wednesday morning,

34. that means Stan's fresh off date night.

35. Come on, spill it!

36. All right.

37. Successfully passed an expired coupon.

38. Nice! The master!

39. Keeping it cheap!

40. Francine almost busted me

41. checking out this hot girl's boobs.

42. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You can't get caught looking.

43. Yeah, man. Women talk.

44. If my girlfriend hears you're checking out other women,

45. she'll realize I do it too.

46. Guys, guys, relax.

47. I covered it with an excuse

48. and even agreed to go couch shopping at the mall.

49. The mall?

50. That place is crawling with hot chicks.

51. So, I'll just play it safe and not look at any women.

52. No, you can still look.

53. You just gotta learn to rubberneck.

54. "Rubberneck?" What's that?

55. We'll tell you, but you gotta keep it a secret.

56. Women can never find out about rubbernecking.

57. New black intern: Kick it.

58. Rubbernecking is the art of checking out women on the sly.

59. And if you do it right,

60. you'll never get caught.

61. ♪ Well...

62. Yeah... I guess when I'm lost, I do look everywhere.

63. Wow... smooth.

64. Ah... hey, Francine, look at that terrible outfit.

65. Yeah, she looks like a hooker.

66. Hooker, hooker, hooker...

67. New couch!

68. Klaus, get in here!

69. This better be important.

70. I'm crank calling my aunt in Düsseldorf.

71. She's on.

72. I'm going to kill you.

73. I'm going to kill you.

74. Okay, what now?

75. A new couch!

76. It feels like I'm floating.

77. Well, I took a long enough lunch; better go back to work.

78. Listen, Stan...

79. I'm sorry I got so paranoid last night.

80. There were beautiful women all over the mall today

81. and you didn't even notice.

82. You're talking about that redhead, right?

83. Either way, you should know I only have eyes for you.

84. You know, Klaus,

85. I've been saving something for an occasion just like this.

86. This bottle of wine was a gift from Julia Child...

87. to Liz Taylor.

88. I stole it when I worked at the post office.

89. Yes, red wine, the deepest staining of all the wines.

90. To our new couch.

91. Ah, that was a terrible toast.

92. Could've been about any couch.

93. Let's try again.

94. To our new, pristine, white couch.

95. Blech! Ooh! It's turned.

96. That is bad wine.

97. That is real bad wine.

98. Never keep wine in the car.

99. I knew it and I did it anyway.

100. Oh, no, the couch.

101. The cushions are sewn in.

102. We can't flip them.

103. Stan will kill us!

104. What are we gonna do?

105. We'll just have to sit here forever.

106. That's brilliant!

107. Oh, isn't it crazy how worried we were a moment ago?

108. Well, hello, hot jogger.

109. Might as well get some photo proof for the boys

110. while I'm here.

111. Not doing anything wrong.

112. Just looking for a signal.

113. Definitely not zooming in to see

114. if you're wearing underpants.

115. Some from the back and don't forget the rack.

116. Damn it, if Francine finds out I crashed

117. because I was rubbernecking, I'm a dead man.

118. Ah...! My back hurts

119. and I used to have a great back!

120. What the hell were you looking at?

121. Uh, uh, nothing. I must've lingered on a blink.

122. Are you okay?

123. Do you need help?

124. Get out of here! You've done enough!

125. Nice.

126. Oh, my God, what happened to you?

127. Oh, I got in a car accident, Francine, but don't worry,

128. luckily I've had enough time to remember

129. the exact truth of what happened.

130. Oh, you poor thing. Come rest your bloody head

131. right here underneath where I'm sitting.

132. You see, I was driving responsibly

133. with my eyes on the road, when a dog jumped out.

134. I saved his life by swerving.

135. He made eye contact as he ran away.

136. No words exchanged, he wasn't a talking dog,

137. but in that moment, I knew he thought me a hero.

138. Well, come on. With a head trauma like this,

139. you should get right into bed.

140. It's like they say,

141. "Starve a fever, sleep a concussion."

142. How'd you sleep?

143. Ugh, lousy.

144. Do I have tank head?

145. Did you guys spend the night on the couch?

146. Uh... yes.

147. We are, um...

148. trying to set the world record for longest continuous

149. couch-sitting in Smith household history.

150. Good one, Klaus.

151. Mr. Smith, my name is Heinrich Brown.

152. Okay!

153. I'm from your insurance company

154. and I'm here to review the details of your accident.

155. Anyway, I was hoping to talk to you

156. about exactly how your accident went down.

157. Of course! Of cour— of course.

158. Come in. Come in.

159. Hope you like nothin',

160. 'cause that's what I got to hide.

161. Hey, do you mind if we meet in the kitchen?

162. My-my fish, and this, uh...

163. little girl are trying to set a couch-sitting record.

164. You don't remember me?

165. I'm Jean-Louise Finch.

166. You brought us some molasses one foggy morning, remember?

167. So... yeah, let's-let's go to the kitchen.

168. Thank you once more for this delicious...

169. glass of milk.

170. Now, Mr. Smith, before I start, I want to remind you

171. that insurance fraud is a felony,

172. punishable by serious jail time.

173. Your sworn statement says you swerved

174. because a dog jumped in front of your car?

175. Are you sure that's what caused the accident?

176. Why wouldn't he be sure?

177. I don't know, Mrs. Smith.

178. It's not my job to know what caused the accident.

179. It's my job to find out.

180. And then, after that... to know.

181. He keeps drinking, but there's always the same amount of milk!

182. Thank you again, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

183. I will return this glass when I am done with my milk.

184. Oh, don't return it,

185. just put it down when you're done.

186. If I was meant to have it, it'll find its way back to me.

187. And Mr. Smith, please know that if you are hiding anything,

188. anything at all, I will sniff it out.

189. It's an ability of mine.

190. For instance...

191. your fish and that Southern tomboy

192. are hiding a wine stain on your couch.

193. What? Is that true?

194. It was Klaus, he spilled the wine!

195. He said if I told you, AI'd be next!

196. ♪ Discount, discount, discount

197. ♪ Yo

198. I'll tell you what I told Verne Troyer:

199. if the sidecar comes unattached, it's a separate vehicle

200. and it's not covered.

201. Heinrich!

202. Wh-What, wh-what are you doing here?

203. Ah, Mr. Smith.

204. I was about to close your case,

205. but one small, easily-answered question arose.

206. It-it... it did?

207. Yes, you said a dog ran in front of your car.

208. But in this traffic camera photo,

209. the only thing I see

210. is a fox.

211. She's quite beautiful.

212. Did she happen to catch your eye?

213. Oh, I don't... I don't pay attention to joggers

214. when I'm driving. No, th-they're like pedestrians to me.

215. I'm just gonna come out and say it:

216. I think you were rubbernecking.

217. With the best.

218. But I unfortunately have no evidence.

219. So I'm gonna have to close your case.

220. As long as I don't find anything at the routine inspection

221. of your vehicle at the body shop.

222. Well, looks like we're in the clear.

223. He's not gonna find anything. The only evidence

224. is some pictures of that jogger in my phone.

225. Which I haven't even looked at since the accident

226. because my phone's in my car.

227. You brought him in here, you bastard!

228. Rubbernecking is all I have!

229. Get down there and clean up your mess!

230. 'Twas beauty killed the beast.

231. Mr. Smith, how odd to see you here.

232. Uh, have you inspected the car?

233. Everywhere but under the driver's seat.

234. I always save that... for dessert.

235. Nothing.

236. Mr. Smith, I'm a proud man

237. but not too proud to admit when I'm beaten.

238. I'm very proud of that.

239. Good-bye forever, Mr. Smith.

240. My glass!

241. Aw...

242. Stan? I lied, Stan.

243. Klaus didn't spill the wine— we both did.

244. I had to tell you 'cause it's the truth.

245. And if we ain't got no truth in this world, what do we have?

246. Damn lies.

247. You're not Stan. How'd you get Stan's phone?

248. What else of Stan's do you have?

249. Let's sell it all and split the dough.

250. We're in this together. Don't you dare double-cross me!

251. Just as I suspected.

252. Your crash was caused by rubbernecking.

253. Mr. Smith, you're under arrest for insurance fraud.

254. Oh, my God, what happened?

255. I was checking out

256. a hot chick in a news copter.

257. See? He told the truth.

258. And everyone's the better for it.

259. I'd like to purchase...

260. some life insurance.

261. Are you a smoker?

262. Only when I drink.

263. Steve, why isn't your mother here?

264. She's hurt, Dad.

265. She's so upset about your rubbernecking

266. she's not even coming to your trial.

267. And I got to say, I don't blame her.

268. It's time to wake up, Stan.

269. Seriously, this isn't a great place not to be wearing a shirt.

270. Let him sing!

271. All right.

272. Mr. Smith, you will be judged by a jury of your peers,

273. who just happen to all be

274. married women around your wife's age.

275. Mr. Smith, this is a photo not of the dog you claimed to avoid

276. but of an admittedly attractive jogger

277. that you took at the time of your accident.

278. And here is a photo of your wife.

279. With a wife this attractive,

280. why were you looking at another woman?

281. Are you some kind of deviant?

282. What? No.

283. Looking at other women is normal. It's...

284. Mr. Smith?

285. You were saying?

286. No, I-I-I don't, I don't think I was.

287. Come on, Mr. Smith. Admit it.

288. You're a sex-crazed maniac, no better than a U.S. senator.

289. How dare you!

290. I am a lot of things, but not a senator!

291. Then why were you taking these photos?

292. Because I was rubbernecking!

293. All men do it!

294. Uh... I don't.

295. You're a dead man, Smith!

296. You are gonna die!

297. I don't know where or when,

298. but each of us has to go in our own time!

299. Is that even a threat?

300. Order! Order!

301. The gallery will refrain

302. from shouting out existential truisms!

303. Listen, I know I'm a judge

304. and I'm supposed to make sure you get a fair trial,

305. but everyone in here should be disgusted with you.

306. If my wife looked like yours, I'd never take my eyes off her.

307. Oh, you wouldn't, would you?

308. Wait, Your Honor, can I ask the court for a quick recess?

309. Didn't really wait for my answer...

310. Steve, take this to your mother.

311. She doesn't want to hear it, Dad.

312. She won't have to hear it. She'll have to read it.

313. Just make sure she does.

314. Eh, whatever.

315. 20 minute recess.

316. Dick.

317. Oh...

318. Well, I forgot where we were,

319. so I guess, Mr. Smith, you have the floor.

320. You're a bad judge.

321. Well, I'm not the one on trial, am I?

322. Am I?

323. Proceed.

324. Uh, Your Honor, I'd like to call to the stand...

325. Francine Smith.

326. Busted!

327. Rubbernecking! Rubbernecking!

328. Rubberne...

329. Rubbernecking!

330. You were all rubbernecking!

331. See? I told you! All men do it.

332. But that doesn't make us bad guys.

333. It's like I said in my note, Francine.

334. I may look at other women, but...

335. it doesn't mean I love you any less.

336. My eyes may wander,

337. but my heart always comes home.

338. Oh, Stan.

339. Well, to be completely honest,

340. when I walked in here,

341. it felt kind of good being looked at.

342. Come on, Steve.

343. That was a lot of fun to sing.

344. But unfortunately, Mr. Smith,

345. you're on trial for insurance fraud,

346. which you definitely did.

347. I hereby sentence you to six years in prison.

348. Lucky!

349. We need a new couch!

350. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

351. Bye! Have a beautiful time.