American Dad! 8x9

Directed by Tim Parsons

Hulk Hogan as Hulk Hogan (voice) • Cheech Marin as Horatio (voice) • Gabourey Sidibe as Gabourey Sidibe (voice) • André Sogliuzzo as Club Employee (voice) • Erik Durbin as Reginald (voice) • Gabourey Sidibe as Gabourey Sidibe

When Stan finally has enough money to afford a membership at the golf club he has worked at for the past thirty summers, his hard work and perseverance prove to be futile when the club gives a membership to Steve first. However, things are not all what they seem when Stan realizes who the club owner really is.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Aah!

2. All right, quiet down, everyone.

3. Shh! Deputy's talking.

4. Shut your face, Sanders!

5. Well, it's the start of summer,

6. or, more officially, our slow season.

7. Terrorism drops as our Johnny Jihads

8. trade in their bomb suitcases for bomb pops.

9. Two strikes, kiss-ass!

10. Find out what a third gets you!

11. I dare you!

12. Anyway, as always,

13. we will be cutting back to our summer hours.

14. All right, now! Summertime!

15. Well, I'm off to the lake house, boys.

16. Jet Skis and dock sex!

17. I'm gonna spend my summer giving something back

18. to the community— chlamydia.

19. Your guys' plans suck.

20. I'll be spending another summer at the country club.

21. Stan, welcome back!

22. Stan!

23. Back to work for another summer.

24. Horatio. Good to be back.

25. Groundskeepin', keeping the grounds.

26. Beautiful day. Día bueno.

27. Hard to believe, after working here 30 summers,

28. I almost have enough money saved to finally afford a membership.

29. Ah, then you're just going to become a rich jerk

30. like the rest of them.

31. The other day, Mr. Vanderhill—

32. he stuffed a live swan in his golf bag

33. as a surprise for his caddy.

34. You know what the surprise was?

35. How far that swan took

36. the caddy's scrotum across the 17th fairway.

37. Don't worry. I'll never become one of them.

38. Guys like Vanderhill have been handed

39. everything their whole lives.

40. But not me— I've been baking in the sun

41. on a riding mower that's rattling my butt apart.

42. I told you— wear seven underwears.

43. I'm going to actually appreciate this place

44. because I worked for it.

45. Kerry, give me a kiss!

46. My wife is old.

47. Stop calling my house!

48. Mm. I... I call her house.

49. (sighs) Klaus, this summer heat—

50. gets a girl a-thinkin'.

51. What's it all about, man?

52. Why are we here?

53. To eat chocolate and get our toes done.

54. Champagne clink.

55. Seriously, I'm going to die one day,

56. and I want to make sure I've left

57. something behind I can be proud of.

58. What about your kids?

59. Meh.

60. I'm talking about something more permanent.

61. I want to invent a catchphrase.

62. Something as profound as "all that and a bag of chips."

63. Oh, come on.

64. Don't you think everyone has tried

65. coming up with a catchphrase?

66. It's next to impossible.

67. Well, Klaus, I'm going to do it.

68. And you can put that frog in the casserole.

69. Bitch, what'd I just say?

70. That's Norm MacDonald, right?

71. How is this Dancing with the Stars?

72. (sighs) What a day.

73. Got a blood blister, smashed my thumbnail black

74. and fried up one hell of farmer's tan.

75. Ugh. I know.

76. I've got one, too.

77. Can't make fudge out of a waterfall.

78. What are you doing?

79. Sounded like there was still some soda left.

80. I don't like the last half.

81. It's not as effervescent.

82. Nope, the bottom's not for me.

83. I'm what they call a top.

84. That's a soda from my fridge,

85. which I bought with money I worked for.

86. Sorry. I didn't know you wanted it.

87. My fingers are still sticky.

88. You can suck on them if you want.

89. (sighs) Well, I'll be upstairs

90. melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.

91. Steve, you're just like those rich jerks at the club

92. who don't appreciate what they have

93. because they've never worked for it.

94. Got to appreciate to graduate.

95. Now you have a problem with soda and being rich?

96. No, I have a problem with people who have it too easy.

97. I admire the self-made men of this world.

98. The Levi Strausses,

99. the Hulk Hogans, the Larry Flynts.

100. Imagine— overcoming a name like Larry.

101. Horatio, my son, Steve,

102. is going to be working with us for the summer.

103. Welcome aboard.

104. Thanks. (bones crunching)

105. Aah! What the hell?

106. That, Steve, is a working man's handshake.

107. A locked wrist that says

108. he stands strong by his convictions,

109. a firm grip that says you can trust him,

110. plenty of thick calluses

111. that show he's not afraid to persevere.

112. Kind of like Shrek's hands.

113. (loud body blow) Aah!

114. My tip.

115. Your hands are the exact opposite.

116. But thankfully, a summer of hard work

117. will fix you right up.

118. Steve, you're in luck.

119. You started here at a good time.

120. Tomorrow is employee swim.

121. Ooh, is that where the girls ask the guys?

122. Uh... huh.

123. No, once a month, the club gives us an hour

124. early in the morning to swim in the pool

125. right before they drain it. (chuckles)

126. It's magic.

127. Oh, no. It's Vanderhill!

128. A bird distracted me on my backswing.

129. It was going... (squawking)

130. That's not my name, and it was saying it right at me.

131. Yes, Mr. Vanderhill. Yes, Mr. Vanderhill.

132. I'm sure it was a female.

133. Now, go find its nest and smash its offspring

134. before I shoot you with my turd gun.

135. Yes, Mr. Vanderhill. Yes, Mr. Vanderhill.

136. Roger?

137. Hey!

138. Why didn't my dad recognize you?

139. Oh, everyone in the family

140. has one persona they can't see through.

141. Your mom's is my Korean kid

142. who shoots pool with a giant chopstick.

143. No way.

144. And Hayley doesn't realize I'm her sandal repairman.

145. Get out.

146. And remember that spin the bottle party you went to?

147. Yeah.

148. You were Alicia Wilkner?

149. We went on seven dates!

150. Nine. I roofied you on two of them.

151. Nothing happened. Wink, wink.

152. But how can you afford a membership here?

153. (laughs) Concise story.

154. Several years ago, I married some 95-year-old bag

155. two weeks before she kicked it.

156. Reverse Anna Nicole Smithed her.

157. Her daughter was not thrilled.

158. You're never going to get your mom's money, Pamela!

159. Why you dressed like Peter Venkman?

160. It's Doctor, and because Dad got me a job

161. to teach me the value of hard work.

162. You mean he's teaching you to be a chump.

163. Come on, Steve. Suckers like him just glorify hard work

164. because they never had an opportunity to not work hard.

165. Believe me, everyone takes the easy way if they can.

166. That's why we tell fart jokes.

167. Knock, knock. Who's there?

168. Ah, this water feels good on my jeans.

169. Where's Steve?

170. Can't believe he's missing employee swim.

171. Vanderhill.

172. Steve, what are you doing?

173. I'm so sorry, Mr. Vanderhill.

174. Silence, worker.

175. I've decided to give your boy a job

176. hanging out with me for the summer.

177. I like him. He makes me laugh.

178. Looks like it's tee time, boys.

179. You can't teach that.

180. Oh, and by the by, I pay like I walk—

181. handsomely.

182. That's not a job.

183. He's just getting paid to... to lounge around.

184. I'm sorry— is an employee talking back to a member?

185. Didn't think so.

186. Steve, meet the fellas.

187. This is Dill Shepherd and Johnny Golf.

188. Actually, it's Johnny Golf Swimandtennis,

189. but that's a real mouthful.

190. The calamari, the rib eye,

191. the turkey club, the key lime pie

192. and the crab-stuffed Dover sole?

193. Yo!

194. That's enough of that.

195. Steve, honey, finish pushing that onto the floor for me.

196. Good boy. Here's a hundo.

197. I don't like this, Horatio.

198. These are not the type of people

199. I want my son to be influenced by.

200. Don't worry, Stan. He's a good kid.

201. I'm sure he'll be able to keep his head on straight.

202. Yeah! I hate birds

203. and am therefore glad that you kicked one.

204. Here is money.

205. "Spare me your dance recital."

206. No.

207. "Forget the mustard. It's karate time."

208. Eh.

209. "Things are getting too spicy for the pepper."

210. Wait! What was that? Just now.

211. "Things are getting too spicy for the pepper?"

212. That's it. That's it?

213. "Things are getting too spicy for the pepper."

214. Your catchphrase.

215. Of course!

216. Now you just have to test it out.

217. Things are getting...

218. On someone other than me, bitch.

219. Mom, are you okay?

220. You look like you're going to burst.

221. (whispering): Not yet.

222. Anyone seen Steve?

223. I didn't see him at the club all afternoon.

224. Maybe things got too spic...

225. Hey, now.

226. Steve, where you been?

227. Let me guess— Vanderhill fired you already.

228. No. Mr. Vanderhill wanted to sleep one off,

229. so he paid me for the full day and let me leave at noon.

230. Whew. I am stuffed.

231. The loaf was great, Francine.

232. It's just, I filled up on lobster

233. and chocolate soufflé at the club.

234. Here— for your trouble.

235. That's it! No tipping your mother.

236. Looks like things are getting

237. too spicy for the pepper.

238. We do not take the easy way in this house.

239. Just like... I know.

240. Self-made men, hard work, Hulk Hogan.

241. Honest work is for suckers.

242. Easy way— best way.

243. Is that so, big shot?

244. Because, thanks to my last paycheck,

245. I now have enough saved to buy my way into the club.

246. And it's going to be even sweeter

247. because it wasn't handed to me on a silver platter.

248. I earned it— all seven grand.

249. Ha! Seven grand?

250. Dad, that was the cost of a membership

251. 30 years ago when you first started saving.

252. Wh-What?

253. It's, like, 200 grand now.

254. You thought— Wow!

255. Well, keep on being a working sucker and maybe you can

256. appreciate the club when you're 85, if you're lucky.

257. Mr. Vanderhill!

258. Please, Mr. Vanderhill was my father.

259. Call me Spartacus.

260. I may never have a chance of being a member at this club,

261. but I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit by

262. and let you corrupt my son.

263. Me and you, a round of golf.

264. If I win, Steve comes back to work with us.

265. Ooh, a bet.

266. Okay, but if I win, no more employee swim.

267. You against the guy that knows every blade of this course?

268. I'll bet you 200 Gs you lose.

269. Johnny's crazy today.

270. I love it.

271. Count me in, too.

272. Fine, I'll take all your action.

273. Okay, then.

274. Good luck.

275. Ow!

276. That's the hand I use to peel bananas, you ass.

277. After the first hole, the score is... 35 to 36.

278. You both suck.

279. What do you say next hole wins?

280. We don't have all day.

281. Yep. Sounds good.

282. All right, Stan, if you don't make this, you lose.

283. Yay!

284. Sucks!

285. Oh, fiddlesticks.

286. 400 grand and no more poor people in the pool!

287. But I just bought a noodle.

288. Come on, boys, let's go get drunk

289. and play talcum tag in the locker room.

290. All right. Here we go.

291. Oh, that is my passion.

292. Steve-o, go grab some more champagne

293. from the storage closet, huh?

294. W-What's going on here?

295. Oh, this is where I come to do whip-its and think about

296. what would happen if the Ninja Turtles had to go to college.

297. Vanderhill offered me a 50-50 split if I threw the match.

298. Now I have enough to become a member.

299. Told you everyone would take the easy way if they could.

300. You were right all along, Steve.

301. Easy way, best way.

302. I know you probably have a lot of questions,

303. so I'll just tell you— the dean closes down

304. the campus pizza shop and the Ninja Turtles

305. do not take it well.

306. Does it get any better?

307. Only if Mother could win her battle with exhaustion

308. and float here next to me.

309. Oh, now there's too much ice in here.

310. Take it back to the bartender and bring me a new one.

311. And punch him for me, around this hard.

312. Your dad seems to be fitting in nicely.

313. Hey, Dad, maybe you should ease up a little?

314. I'm very eased, Stevie.

315. I mean, maybe tone it down.

316. You're acting a little aggressive.

317. If anyone's earned a right to act like this, it's me.

318. Like a fool, I wasted 30 long years trying to get here.

319. So now I'm gonna enjoy it.

320. Hey, check it out.

321. I just got that kid to Mickey-Mouse-ear that guy.

322. Francine, I think I figured out

323. why your catchphrase fell flat.

324. Because it was a stupid idea.

325. No. The words are right, just not the delivery.

326. Try saying it like you've just been

327. on a road trip through the South.

328. (Southern accent): Things are getting

329. too spicy for the pepper!

330. Now more like you just came in from playing in the snow,

331. but you haven't had your hot chocolate yet.

332. Things are getting

333. (rapidly): too spicy for the pepper!

334. Maybe more a mix of sadness that your dog died,

335. relief because he was riddled with fatty lymphomas

336. and joy that you can now get a new kitty.

337. Things are getting too spicy for the pepper...!

338. Watch Oscar-nominated actress Gabourey Sidibe do it.

339. Things are getting too spicy for the pepper.

340. You look nice, Dad.

341. I had to pick up a tie for the New Member Gala

342. at the club tomorrow, and I figured I'd treat myself.

343. Ew, ham.

344. Let's toss it and take a cab

345. over to Long John Silver's— my treat.

346. Dad, doesn't it bother you at all that you lost employee swim?

347. Hadn't thought about it.

348. And thank you, Steve, for opening my eyes.

349. If you hadn't, I'd still be

350. wasting my time scrimping pennies.

351. Janet Jackson played Penny in Good Times.

352. Jeff, that's the crap that gives me a headache.

353. Things are getting too spicy for the pepper.

354. Huh, that's pretty catchy, Mrs. S.

355. I... am... immortal!

356. Oh, that's great, honey.

357. Set me up with the whole schmeer.

358. You know, mugs, hats, bags, aprons, slacks, shirts.

359. Hey, shot glasses.

360. I'll take a box of those.

361. Give me a box of those spicy pepper pens.

362. Give me two of those, six of those.

363. Come on, to Long John Silver's!

364. Woo-hoo! Icelandic cod!

365. Yay!

366. Booyah! Yay!

367. Dad?

368. Steve, why are you dressed like Ernie Hudson?

369. Winston Zeddemore.

370. And because I'm going back to work with Horatio,

371. and you are, too.

372. (chuckles): I am, am I?

373. Yes, because I've learned my lesson.

374. By acting like a spoiled jerk,

375. you showed me how I was behaving.

376. Acting? I'm not acting.

377. I'm playing tomato tennis.

378. Ooh! An unripe one!

379. We lost him, Steve.

380. Your dad is one of them.

381. Feel good to finally hold that member key, Stan?

382. Sure does.

383. I'll just put it on my key chain.

384. Membership has its privileges.

385. Greetings, Father.

386. Hulk Hogan!

387. He goes to my chiropractor.

388. So I asked him if he'd come talk some sense into you.

389. Stan, my little Hulkamaniac filled me in on what's going on,

390. and let me tell you something, brother.

391. The Hulkster had to battle my entire life

392. to get where I am, brother.

393. With nothing but sweat, tears and heartache

394. and good ol' red, white and blue

395. pumping through my veins, brother.

396. All the training, all the matches,

397. all the prayers and all the brothers

398. made me appreciate everything I've earned.

399. That's why, no matter how many one, two, threes

400. I slap on my opponents, I just thank my lucky Mean Genes

401. I was blessed to be able to step into that squared circle

402. and use these 24-inch pythons.

403. Stan, brother, sometimes, as a Hulkamaniac,

404. you got to look deep down inside yourself and ask,

405. whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?

406. Yeah. (clapping)

407. Listen, Terry, I appreciate

408. you coming out, but...

409. Oh, what's wrong Dad?

410. Have you developed privileged rich guy hands?

411. My handshake.

412. Looks like your grip's gone soft.

413. Probably from not lifting a finger all day.

414. Nonsense, Stan.

415. Stick with what got you the easy way.

416. My son's right!

417. I became what I despise the most.

418. I don't want your membership, not this way.

419. I want to earn it, with my working man's hands.

420. Welcome back, Dad.

421. What do you say, Vanderhill?

422. You keep my membership in exchange

423. for us getting employee swim back?

424. No ways to your Josés.

425. Well, Hogan, then it looks like

426. we're gonna have to earn swim time back

427. the hard way.

428. Roger!

429. What are you doing here?

430. I have so much to tell you.

431. Oh, Pamela. Good.

432. I was just looking for you.

433. You have the same scowl your mother had...

434. when I banged her...

435. after I pulled the plug.

436. God, I was kidding!

437. Looks like someone pulled the plug on your sense of humor.

438. This meeting is over, Pamela.

439. Okay, the meeting's back on.

440. First item of business: those two hams you call arms.

441. That one I deserved.

442. Dad, look!

443. One week of hard work, and I already got my first blister.

444. Maybe we take that Playboy out of the bathroom for the summer.

445. Looks like things are getting too spicy for the pepper.

446. Hey, that's my wife's saying.

447. Your wife?

448. That's the old Salsa Fresca slogan

449. from, like, two Super Bowls ago.

450. Well, it looks like the Hulkster's work here is done.

451. Bye! Have a beautiful time.