American Dad! 8x14

Directed by John Aoshima • Jansen Yee

George Segal as Bernie (voice) • Joe Lo Truglio as Freddy (voice) • Kristen Schaal as Librarian (voice) • Amy Sedaris as Woman's Voice / Dr. Lizzy (voice) • Curtis Armstrong as Snot Lonstein (voice)

Despite Stan's objections, Francine buys Steve the dog he has always wanted. However, when the dog suffers a horrific accident, Stan refuses to take the pup off life support because of a traumatic childhood incident.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Aah!

2. Oh, my God, please don't tell me Shatner died.

3. You're looking well. Our presentation can now begin.

4. Word of caution, I would refrain

5. from sharing popcorn

6. with the gentleman to your left

7. as I saw him cut a hole in the bottom of his bucket.

8. (laughs) He's kidding.

9. Popcorn?

10. Hello. I'm Steve Smith.

11. I'm sitting right over there.

12. What?

13. In the past, I have personally made ironclad cases

14. as to why I am the perfect candidate to own a dog.

15. I am an American boy and I both crave and offer companionship.

16. But tonight, I'm calling on other folks

17. to help me make my case.

18. This is my best friend, Snot.

19. I'm Snot Lonstein and this is my dog Dreidel.

20. We get a lot of comments when I walk him.

21. "Hey, who's walking who?" is one I particularly enjoy.

22. (laughs) That's good fun.

23. That's enough!

24. Steve, I've told you over and over,

25. I will never allow anyone in this house to get a dog!

26. Ever!

27. I agree with Stan.

28. I'm the only pet this house needs.

29. What about me?

30. You can't be a pet unless someone loves you.

31. Stan, don't you think you were a little harsh

32. with Steve in there?

33. I'm tired of his constant pleas for a dog.

34. It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long.

35. You think you can get something

36. just by saying it enough?

37. If that were true, all I'd be saying is

38. "Jane Seymour from behind." Just "Jane Seymour from behind,

39. Jane Seymour from behind," over and over.

40. Jane Seymour from behind?

41. Stan, have you considered

42. that maybe you won't let Steve have a dog

43. because of a deeper issue?

44. You know damn well why!

45. When I was a boy, I had a dog named Freddy.

46. He was my best friend.

47. But right after my dad left us,

48. my mom said Freddy was diagnosed

49. with what is now known as "Air Bud" disease.

50. She told me the humane thing to do was to put Freddy down.

51. (voice slowed down): Nooo...

52. (voice slowed down): My mom said to.

53. Please accept your fate with dignity.

54. Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick.

55. They just didn't allow dogs at our new apartment building.

56. And because of that super sad story,

57. I will never have a dog in my home.

58. It's such a sad story

59. that I won't even undercut it with a joke.

60. I'm just gonna let it end sad.

61. Are you sure you don't want

62. to come up with some joke to end that?

63. Nope. Keeping it sad.

64. Stan, we had a dog already.

65. I don't think so.

66. We did.

67. Five years ago you got Steve an old dog

68. that peed dust, and you killed it.

69. We also had another dog named Fussy

70. that you didn't like or something.

71. Francine, those were obviously dreams.

72. I refuse to discuss your dreams in the daytime.

73. Hey, Roger, what's...?

74. Where the hell have you been?

75. You are not going to believe

76. what's going on in this house.

77. Things are really going to pot around here.

78. Great. It's locked.

79. I forgot my key.

80. Of course you never gave me a key.

81. That kinda bothers me, but that's not important.

82. What is important is what's going on around here!

83. You're gonna see, buddy, oh, you are gonna see!

84. This is great.

85. Suddenly security's real tight around here.

86. You are just gonna lose it

87. when you see what's going on in your house!

88. You are really gonna blow your stack!

89. The worst part of it is the disrespect to you,

90. They are castrating you, quite frankly.

91. I'm sorry, but that's what they're doing.

92. They are cutting off your nads,

93. period, end of story.

94. Oh, you're gonna see it so soon!

95. Look!

96. (laughs) It's sloppy!

97. It's so wet!

98. Oh, I love you, too!

99. What in the hell is that?

100. It's my new dog, Kisses!

101. I said no dogs!

102. Oh, this is good for Steve.

103. And it'll be good for you to love a dog again.

104. I bet Freddy is smiling down from doggie heaven right now.

105. I hope he is.

106. I hope he's up there, living in a lake house,

107. driving a kickass speedboat,

108. eating the foamy grass he just threw up.

109. Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan.

110. Fine. But I won't have anything to do with that dog.

111. If he buys a table at a charity event,

112. I won't sit at it.

113. I'm mad at you.

114. You are consistently a problem for me.

115. Whoa! Taking some liberties here.

116. Oh, um, okay.

117. But I'm-I'm only letting you sit there

118. because my crotch is chilly.

119. You're soft.

120. Like the detergent bear.

121. Oh, and look, there's a little ear.

122. Who likes a scratch?

123. Who likes an ear scratch, huh?

124. Just gonna snap a pic for Steve.

125. It's for him, not for me.

126. Oh, my God, what a cute little yawn, what a tired little baby!

127. You were right, Francine.

128. It feels so good to love a dog again.

129. Don't throw the Frisbee too close to the street, Stan.

130. Don't worry.

131. The odds of me being involved in

132. another dog-related tragedy are astronomical.

133. Atta boy, Kisses!

134. Mee-argh!

135. Oh, it's, it's not fair!

136. It's not fair!

137. Why him? Why?

138. No, take me, take me, take me!

139. Oh, my God!

140. Smith family?

141. Yes?

142. Well, the good news is

143. that Kisses survived the balloon accident.

144. He's still alive!

145. Well, yes, but he's only breathing

146. with the help of a machine.

147. Oh, God!

148. He's not dead? Are you sure?

149. I don't mean to question your abilities,

150. it's just I saw you pull into the parking lot in a Geo Metro.

151. That's not a car for a doctor.

152. That's a sweet 16 gift for a Filipino.

153. No!

154. This...

155. is an unfortunate situation.

156. Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it?

157. Well, most of his vital organs have failed.

158. I'm afraid there's not much hope.

159. Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again!

160. I know this is hard, but under the circumstances,

161. I think the right thing to do is to pull the plug.

162. Oh, God! It's so sad!

163. I won't be responsible for another dog dying!

164. Who are we to play God?

165. You know who I'd like to see play God? Borat.

166. He'd be all like, "My wi..." No.

167. He'd be, "My-my wif..."

168. I can't do it. I can't do it.

169. Well, if you're going to keep Kisses on life support,

170. we'll need to discuss the cost of care.

171. Oh, here we go!

172. That's the real medicine, huh? Cash!

173. Guess I gotta show Jerry Maguire the money!

174. Here, why don't you take it all?

175. Just so you know, it was Rod Tidwell who asked

176. that the money be shown to him, not Jerry Maguire.

177. I'm sure in your grief, you mixed up the characters.

178. You know, we've never even discussed

179. what we would do if either one of us was on life support.

180. If I was messed up like Kisses,

181. I'd want you to pull the...

182. Okay.

183. doctor aside and tell him

184. I'm allergic to penicillin.

185. Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly.

186. You know, we should probably see a lawyer

187. and make a will to sort this stuff out.

188. That way we both know

189. our final wishes will be honored.

190. Why did you guys drag me out here to listen

191. to this boring lawyer stuff?

192. You're still here?

193. Of course I am.

194. What did you find out? When's the surgery?

195. Surgery?

196. Mr. Smith, I know this is hard,

197. but Kisses is not going to recover from his accident.

198. You're real quick to give up

199. on this dog, aren't you, Doc?

200. What's your hurry?

201. You gotta get your report card out

202. of the mailbox before your folks get home?

203. Look, it's obvious I'm gonna have

204. to cure the dog myself.

205. I'm going Lorenzo's Oil on this one.

206. You're going to fix him?

207. Why not me?

208. What, you don't think I can do a major surgery

209. because I'm not a doctor like you?

210. You sound a lot like my tailor,

211. who also didn't think I could do things on my own.

212. Come on. He's defacing the walls.

213. Do something!

214. Oh, no, you don't.

215. Nuh-uh.

216. You don't do that around here.

217. Okay, that takes care of all the medical stuff.

218. Now let's move onto the distribution of possessions.

219. We're hippies, Bernie.

220. We don't care about material things.

221. That's gross.

222. That's a gross way to live.

223. Well, we do have a few things.

224. Uh, there's my Hacky Sacks

225. and my sleeping bag.

226. Oh, and I control the master tapes

227. to Blues Traveler's first album.

228. What?

229. Years ago, I was the tour cook for the band,

230. and the lead singer, John Popper, loved my food,

231. so he gave me the tapes.

232. They earn about $2 million a year.

233. What?

234. Or maybe more. I don't know.

235. I haven't really been paying attention

236. since I gave the rights to Patricia, my daughter.

237. You have a daughter?

238. Well, stepdaughter.

239. Yeah, back when I was into cougars,

240. I married her mom, who was 71.

241. That's hot.

242. That's a hot way to live.

243. Anyway, my wife had passed,

244. and it was Patricia's 50th birthday,

245. and I didn't know what to get her, so...

246. Jeff, you need to get those tapes back, okay?

247. My God!

248. Is there anything else that you'd like to share with me?

249. I think the dude who lives in your parents' attic

250. has a crush on me.

251. He makes me uncomfortable.

252. Hey, bookworm.

253. Well, I just did a ton of research at the library,

254. but I couldn't concentrate.

255. They were blasting Oingo Boingo at top volume.

256. But I did find this flier.

257. This woman specializes in fixing animals

258. that other vets have given up on.

259. Look, I know you want to do everything to help Kisses,

260. but this isn't right. Hello.

261. Steve, you've stopped crying.

262. Well, it's been four days.

263. I ran out of tissues and started using

264. my handy tube sock to dry my tears.

265. Think my eyes might be pregnant.

266. Anyway, Dad, it's time to let Kisses go.

267. There's no quality of life for him anymore.

268. He's right, Stan.

269. It's my dog, Dad.

270. It's my call.

271. Okay, Steve. Okay.

272. Hey, yin-yangs.

273. Steve, did you tell them you want to pull the plug?

274. I at least want to be there when...

275. Oh, my God, look at your hair.

276. It's getting so long.

277. How sweaty is your nape right now?

278. You're doing the right thing.

279. Your husband was here earlier

280. to say good-bye in private.

281. Don't you worry, Kisses.

282. Dr. Lizzy's going to fix you right up.

283. You like music?

284. My friend, Klaus, made us a mix tape for the drive.

285. Hey, Stan. Hey, Kisses.

286. Hope this tape makes your journey a little more rockin'.

287. Klaus, you dick.

288. Dr. Lizzy?

289. My name is Stan Smith.

290. My dog, Kisses, was crushed

291. by a hot air balloon full of pirate cats.

292. Can you help me?

293. Come in.

294. Thanks. Is it cool that I parked there?

295. Kisses is being prepped for surgery.

296. He's going to be fine.

297. You were stuck in what I like to call

298. the "Western Pharma-cycle."

299. Veterinarians give pets diseases,

300. and then sell owners medicine that cures those diseases,

301. but gives them different diseases.

302. Oh, it's a great business model...

303. if you're the Devil!

304. You have a beautiful laugh.

305. So, you see, Patricia, I'm remarried now,

306. and we could really use the Blues Traveler money.

307. No way.

308. Okay, we thought you might resist,

309. which is why we brought our lawyer.

310. Bernie, do your thing.

311. Alright, ma'am, I understand

312. that you're determined to keep the money.

313. I just have one question.

314. Will you marry me? What?

315. Yes! Yes, of course I will!

316. Bernie!

317. You know he's just doing this for the money.

318. I know.

319. But we'll still have lots of sex, right, Bern?

320. Maybe.

321. Oh, my God.

322. My baby's getting married!

323. Jeff!

324. We are paying for the wedding.

325. I don't want to hear another word about it.

326. Thanks, Dad.

327. Well?

328. The procedure was a success.

329. We saved Kisses.

330. Oh, thank you, Dr. Lizzy!

331. Can I see him?

332. I'll do you one better.

333. Call him.

334. Kisses. Kisses.

335. It's Daddy.

336. Come to Daddy. Come to...

337. Well, what do you think?

338. Where... where are his eyes?

339. He was blinded by the accident,

340. so I removed his eyeballs

341. and put them where his testicles used to be.

342. Dogs deserve dignity, too, sir.

343. Is his head a... a baseball mitt?

344. Softball mitt.

345. Know what I'm saying?

346. A wink.

347. Saying it without saying it.

348. I like-a the ladies.

349. This... this isn't how I pictured he'd turn out.

350. Stan, you wanted me to keep Kisses alive, and I did.

351. You told me to do anything and everything I could.

352. Did you not tell me that?

353. No, I-I did. I did.

354. Good.

355. Now, here's the bill.

356. $6,000?

357. Well, I also fixed your car.

358. Stan, this is the sixth message I've left.

359. Please call me when you get this.

360. Hey, look what I found.

361. My smile.

362. You know where it was?

363. Four minutes into The Today Show.

364. Thank you, Al Roker, for talking to those fat women

365. holding a banner that said "Minnesota Cheese Queens."

366. Oh, I'm worried about your father.

367. He was just so distraught over Kisses,

368. God knows what he'll...

369. Stan, where have you been?

370. Doing what none of you thought could be done.

371. I saved Kisses.

372. Okay, I don't know what you did,

373. but all Kisses needs is to be put out of his misery.

374. Misery? You call this misery?

375. Kisses, come on, boy.

376. Oh, my God!

377. Please kill this dog!

378. End this!

379. I know he's initially hard to look at,

380. but it's still Kisses.

381. Look deep into his eyes,

382. which are now his balls, and you'll see.

383. Okay, whatever that is, it's not Kisses.

384. Don't listen to her, Kisses.

385. You're still Daddy's little fella.

386. Is that Kisses?

387. Oh, my God. Oh, no!

388. No, now, this dog I like.

389. He can stay.

390. Freddy!

391. Hop in, Stan.

392. Where are we?

393. This is Heaven.

394. Grab me something cold, will you?

395. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Come on, bro.

396. Look, Stan, this nonsense

397. you got going on with Kisses isn't right.

398. But Dr. Lizzy said that...

399. Dr. Lizzy's a mental patient, okay?

400. Look, take it from another dog.

401. If Kisses can't run and play and do

402. all that crap we like, then what's the point?

403. Maybe...

404. I don't know.

405. Stan, let Kisses go.

406. Saving him won't bring me back.

407. Yeah.

408. Yeah, you're right.

409. It's okay, man.

410. You want to drive?

411. I got to quit these things.

412. I got to quit these things, too.

413. But I can't.

414. I got too much of my dad in me.

415. All right, Kisses. You ready?

416. Three, two, one.

417. Stan!

418. I blew up Kisses with dynamite.

419. What? Why?

420. Because of Freddy.

421. Because of you, Freddy.

422. This is nice.

423. Hey, Freddy, Trish thinks the new guy is cute.

424. Penny!

425. You're going to do just fine here.

426. Yeah, you got to kill those sometimes.

427. Bye! Have a beautiful time.