American Dad! 20x5

Directed by Chris Bennett

Richard Kind as Al Tuttle (voice) • Jay Pharoah as Mr. Fritz (voice) • Kimberly Brooks as Agatha (voice) • Wendi McLendon-Covey as Tracy (voice) • Ignacio Serricchio as Pitbull (voice)

When Jeff finds out that the family thinks he makes terrible decisions, he decides to take a job selling stretchy leggings to prove them wrong.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I think I just saw Tonya Harding.

2. Okay, I just want to go over tomorrow because it's a beast.

3. We've got winter coat shopping in the morning,

4. - lunch at Nerfer's in the afternoon... - Babe, I have plans tomorrow.

5. Taking off the goatee. No.

6. - Yikes. - Really?

7. Babe, you look weird without a goatee.

8. After seeing this CIA rendering of your face with no goatee, I agree.

9. Buongiorno, y'all!

10. Welcome to Mama Mangia's. What can I get y'all tonight?

11. I will have the sal-mon.

12. No, you won't like it.

13. He'll have the grilled cheese.

14. Babe, I want the sal-mon.

15. It's pronounced "sah..."

16. I say "sal-mon," and I want it!

17. Give us a moment, Agatha. Core team, huddle up.

18. Sorry, Jeff. Salmon's just not possible for you at this time.

19. I... want... sal-mon!

20. Okay, we should leave. Give our apologies to Mama Mangia.

21. Oh, don't you worry about Mama's feelings.

22. She's a private equity group.

23. Good morning, USA

24. I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day

25. The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face

26. And he's shining a salute To the American race

27. Oh, boy, it's swell to say

28. Good morning, USA

29. Good morning, USA

30. So what are we doing for dinner now?

31. Well, we do have that eight-pound brisket

32. left over in the freezer.

33. We got any latkes?

34. Dozens. Plus some matzo ball soup from Greenblatt's. Two portions.

35. - One for me. - I'll nosh on that.

36. Any dessert? Hamantaschen?

37. - I made blintzes yesterday. - Ooh, Jeff loves blintzes.

38. I'm not hungry.

39. You gotta eat something, Jeff.

40. Yeah. You need your nutrients.

41. Nutrients are important, Jeff.

42. I can make my own decisions!

43. But you can't, Jeff.

44. Yeah, you make bad ones.

45. - So we make them for you. - To help you.

46. 'Cause you're not the smartest.

47. This is messed up, babe.

48. No, I'm done.

49. From now on, I'm the decider of me.

50. Mr. S, let me out of the car.

51. Fine. But I'm only slowing down a little.

52. This place is kind of scary.

53. Want to buy a million-dollar bill?

54. Whoa, you should keep that.

55. Who knows how much it's worth?

56. Then just give me all your money.

57. No! I'm only gonna give you a little of my money.

58. Hey, get outta here!

59. Gosh. There are so many creeps on this street now.

60. I'm Tracy, by the way.

61. I'm Jeff.

62. Pff, not that I had any say in it.

63. You know, Jeff, you impress me.

64. It took guts, saying no to that guy.

65. I don't ever let people tell me what to do anymore.

66. - Come with me. - Okay.

67. What is this place?

68. The land of opportunity,

69. aka the Langley regional sales office

70. for the Stretcharoo Leggings Corporation.

71. Eye-catching, right?

72. And best of all, easy to sell.

73. Let me ask you all, what are your goals?

74. To eat sal-mon.

75. - I'm trying to eat salmon, too. - Beat me to it. Salmon. Uh-huh.

76. Eat salmon.

77. And how many hours a day would you say you're eating salmon right now?

78. None.

79. Jesus. Really?

80. What if I said there was a way for you to enjoy salmon

81. every day of the week?

82. How is that even possible?

83. By selling the highest-quality leggings known to man.

84. And not at some stuffy store in the mall.

85. From the comfort of your own home,

86. through direct peer-to-peer sales.

87. Is this a pyramid scheme?

88. Pyramid? Maybe in its shape and management structure

89. and day-to-day operations,

90. but no, it's multi-level marketing,

91. and we're looking for hustlers with a killer instinct.

92. I think that could be me.

93. Hell, yeah!

94. I'm talking alphas

95. who would never, never, ever, ever be a beta.

96. Did I mention we have rewards weekends in tropical locations like Cancun,

97. with incredible prizes for our top sales people?

98. All you've got to do is buy $5,000 of inventory today

99. and commit to a recurring monthly purchase

100. of a product that sells itself.

101. So are you ready to choose success?

102. What do you think?

103. Me? I'm in.

104. Do you have cash?

105. Oh, man! I should have bought that guy's money.

106. I do have this number card.

107. Everybody take note. This is what an alpha looks like.

108. Stop.

109. I made another decision.

110. Yeah, you did.

111. I'm officially a salesman for the Stretcharoo Leggings Corporation.

112. Stretcharoo? The pyramid scheme?

113. No, the multi-level marketing scheme.

114. They sold me inventory.

115. How much?

116. A whole bunch of boxes for only, like, 5,000 bucks.

117. Five Gs?

118. Jeff, that was our life savings.

119. That's your life savings?

120. - You live at home. - Yeah, what's your monthly nut?

121. That's not the issue!

122. Now, come on, Jeff. We're getting our money back.

123. No. I won't go!

124. We can get a treat on the way.

125. That's more like it.

126. My husband gave you our life savings, and I want it back.

127. Right this way.

128. Step into our angry spouse holding tank. Someone will be with you soon.

129. Better be soon, 'cause I'm angry.

130. Over and over, the same goddamn mistakes.

131. I could've married Al Roker.

132. Had to make his own decisions.

133. They always do.

134. It is a good deal, though.

135. The leggings? Eighty-percent margins.

136. He's a mole. Get him outta here.

137. Eighty-percent margins.

138. Eighty-percent margins, bitches. I am in.

139. Well, looks like the rest of us are gonna have to clean up this mess.

140. I don't know how you did it, Jeff,

141. but you stumbled ass-backwards into the deal of the century. We're in.

142. Okay, let me just roll these D&D dice...

143. and now match the numbers to the corresponding Bible verse.

144. "As ye hear the sound of the trumpet...

145. "Absalom reigneth in Hebron..."

146. That settles it. I'm on board, too.

147. All right, let's talk sales strategy.

148. I was thinking we could do, like, a sales party,

149. like a Tupperware party, but with leggings?

150. Yes. Love it.

151. I'm promoting you to executive vice president.

152. Oh! We could film ourselves in our leggings and put it on Instagram.

153. Film? People love newspapers.

154. Anyone else have ideas?

155. What if we go up to people somewhere, with our leggings,

156. and ask them if they want to buy them?

157. Back to basics. That's what I'm talking about.

158. Good job, Klaus.

159. Nice exchange.

160. Klaus and Steve are now executive vice presidents.

161. Incredible decision, Mom.

162. I'm promoting you to executive vice president.

163. Throw me up as an EVP too.

164. What about me?

165. Can I be an EVP?

166. That would be nepotism.

167. And that's just bad optics, Jeff.

168. Are you kidding me?

169. This whole thing was my idea!

170. Either make me the same as you guys, or I'm out.

171. I'm afraid it's a hard no, Jeff.

172. But you can still be part of our workforce.

173. No! I'm out of here.

174. Come on, babe.

175. Sorry, Jeff.

176. I'm sticking with them.

177. Oh, my God. Dude, that's your wife.

178. - Dad. - What? It was crazy.

179. Mr. Fritz.

180. Glad you could make it.

181. Happy to be here, Steve.

182. This is my wife, Tonya Harding.

183. Sorry, one sec.

184. Stretcharoo leggings, go for Steve.

185. You want how many?

186. Klaus, this guy wants 1,000 units.

187. A thousand units?

188. Okay.

189. I'm Klaus, by the way.`

190. Ugh. Are you buying or not, Greg?

191. What? I got your mail by accident. I just walked in.

192. Yeah, and you didn't look so hot doing it.

193. You need a stretchier pant,

194. with a busy print to distract people from all this.

195. Nice try. This is where I want people's attention.

196. What the hell is going on?

197. We're drowning. Do I have to remind everyone how over-invested we are?

198. It's this freaking crowd.

199. They're a bunch of dick teases.

200. That's why we gotta MAPA. "Maintain a party atmosphere."

201. Get 'em loose and they'll be buying.

202. Buckle's trying to escape!

203. Through the kitchen, my Yiddish queen.

204. Your leggings.

205. They're gorgeous!

206. Yeah, I like the pineapples.

207. Playful, yet honoring the contours of your body.

208. I must have them!

209. I'm wearing these.

210. Why don't you buy a pair from Mrs. S?

211. - What's going on here? - Jeff's poaching our clients.

212. He lured Buckle in here with his body.

213. I'm just sitting here.

214. Wow, Jeff. You're trying to torpedo this event?

215. A successful event?

216. Screw it. Buckle, how much do you want to pay?

217. - How much were you thinking? - Sold.

218. - Wow, Jeff. - This isn't a game for us, Jeff.

219. You've awakened a sleeping giant, Jeff.

220. A giant that will crush you

221. and be crowned top seller at the Cancun rewards weekend.

222. Boom! How you like that, Jeffy boy?

223. I like that just fine, Mrs. S.

224. 'Cause I'm gonna crush you.

225. I'm gonna murder you in your sleep!

226. - Oh, like that's so hard. - Enough!

227. No more talk.

228. We'll see you at the rewards weekend.

229. Yeah, you will.

230. Rewards weekend.

231. Rewards weekend.

232. Rewards weekend.

233. Rewards weekend.

234. Rewards weekend.

235. Rewards weeken...

236. It's been a record-breaking year, Stretcharoos.

237. And it's all because of you.

238. You decided to choose success.

239. I thank you, my husband thanks you. Jim, get on out here.

240. Let's go!

241. Are we ready to party, Cancun?

242. Now, hold on. Before we party,

243. old Jim needs to get a little serious, y'all.

244. I need to tell you a story about someone you know.

245. Me. We love you, Jim!

246. Married.

247. Before Stretcharoo, I was in a really toxic relationship...

248. with my current wife, Deborah.

249. We hated each other

250. because we hadn't made the decision to choose success.

251. But then, Deborah saw a basket of tennis balls.

252. It was like a bolt of lightning hit her in the face.

253. Our first Stretcharoos print, the iconic "Tennis Ballz," was born.

254. And our relationship was re-born,

255. because we chose success, just as you chose success.

256. Let's give it up.

257. Now, the fun stuff.

258. The food tonight is bomb, so eat up.

259. Mmm, mmm, mmm!

260. And then after dinner,

261. we're gonna Lambada down to the beach for the after-party.

262. There's gonna be a bonfire, a s'mores cart...

263. - An astronomer. - Oh, my God, the astronomer.

264. I think it's award time.

265. Top new salesperson.

266. Let's do it!

267. And the winner is...

268. - Jeff Fischer. - Jeff Fischer.

269. What?

270. Did you never consider this possibility, Stan?

271. - We had no sales. Zero. - What?

272. Klaus, you knew this?

273. Me?

274. You're the one who set up a conference call last week

275. and just kept screaming, "The ship is sinking!"

276. And how about your prize?

277. A brand new Brookstone massage chair.

278. Tell us, Jeff, what was the secret to your success?

279. Good decisions.

280. Now, we've got one more surprise and it's a good one.

281. - Get hyped for Pitbull. - Pitbull!

282. Let's give it up for Jiggity Jeff.

283. This biggity boy should be priggity proud.

284. It's going down

285. I'm yelling timber

286. You better move

287. You better dance

288. And, guys,

289. Pitbull is contractually obligated to stick around

290. for a half-hour of the after-party.

291. Whoa! Look at that star.

292. Wow!

293. Pitbull's been here for five minutes longer than his contract requires.

294. He must be enjoying Jeff.

295. Maybe he'd be enjoying us,

296. if Stan sold some leggings.

297. Me? What about you?

298. I married you because I thought you could sell!

299. That's why I married you.

300. Pitbull's feeding Jeff a s'more now.

301. Enough. I'm going over there and giving him a piece of my mind.

302. Hey! Please help us, Jeff.

303. Things are going so bad. Our finances are in ruins.

304. Our emotions suck too.

305. Stan and I are sleeping in separate beds.

306. We all are.

307. We're sorry, Jeff.

308. Please, guide us.

309. Mr. Pitbull...

310. What do you think?

311. Okay, I'll do it.

312. How you liking that telescope, Armando?

313. That's right. I looked you up.

314. Jeff, I feel like a kid on his first day of university.

315. A sponge, ready to soak up your deep knowledge of selling tights.

316. They're leggings.

317. Holy moly. Class is in session.

318. I'm just happy we're finally a team.

319. Now everyone has a say.

320. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

321. - We don't want a say. - You don't?

322. No way. Our ideas are shit.

323. We want you to tell us what to do.

324. Okay.

325. Come on. Hit us with those nuggets.

326. - Your top sales techniques. - I guess...

327. always be an alpha.

328. Yeah. Never, ever, ever be a beta.

329. Not even sometimes?

330. No.

331. What are some of the actual things you did to sell?

332. Good Q, Hayley.

333. Some concrete examples that could save us

334. from financial ruin could be helpful.

335. Would you excuse me for a sec?

336. I should call the bank.

337. They've been trying hard to reach me.

338. What's up, bud?

339. What are you doing?

340. Upper-decking the toilet.

341. What's new with you?

342. What's new is that I'm a fraud.

343. Everyone's a fraud, Jeff. Be more specific.

344. I made up all my sales, Roger.

345. I've been buying inventory, then writing fake receipts.

346. How'd you buy so much inventory?

347. I robbed a bank.

348. Wow. Impressive.

349. I can't make decisions for the family.

350. I can't even make decisions for myself.

351. I'm just gonna come clean and tell them everything.

352. You could do that and prove everyone right,

353. or you could make your lie true.

354. You just need one big, good decision to make everything right.

355. Dang it. I dropped my phone.

356. So, what's it gonna be?

357. - I'm gonna... - Don't tell me. I don't care.

358. And, Jeff, don't tell anyone about the upper-decking.

359. It'll make my joke less funny.

360. Jeff, Francine's being a beta.

361. One good decision.

362. What are you doing with your eyes?

363. I'm looking for stuff.

364. Should we be looking for stuff, too?

365. I have a ton of leggings...

366. I mean, you guys have a ton of leggings to get rid of.

367. So I'm thinking we need something big.

368. Wait a minute... The game!

369. You're thinking massive FanDuel bet?

370. Mr. S, can you get some helicopters?

371. Sure. I still know some guys at the CIA.

372. It all comes down to this.

373. If Shiballski makes this kick, the Sharks win the championship.

374. The ball is snapped.

375. The kick is up.

376. It's blown wide

377. by six cargo helicopters that appear to be dropping

378. what appear to be low-quality leggings on the heartbroken crowd.

379. Sharks lose! Sharks lose!

380. Suck it, Sharks! Cybermoles forever!

381. Now all we have to do is wait for them to send in their payments

382. with all the self-addressed envelopes we attached.

383. Here's your mail.

384. It's just a tree-trimming flyer.

385. Damn.

386. Actually, let me see that.

387. They just stole all our leggings?

388. No one wants your shitty leggings.

389. Here's a big-ass bill for the cleanup.

390. This is all my fault.

391. No, it's my fault!

392. I'm a fraud!

393. I didn't sell any leggings!

394. All my sales receipts were made up!

395. Wow, we should have done that.

396. I just wanted to prove you all wrong.

397. Show you I could make good decisions.

398. I ruined this family.

399. And I robbed a bank.

400. Cool.

401. Put me out of my misery.

402. Kill me!

403. Cut off my head and don't call an ambulance!

404. Core team, huddle up.

405. Sorry, Jeff.

406. That's not going to be possible right now.

407. You made some bad decisions, but we all did.

408. This is not your fault.

409. It's not really any of our faults.

410. - What do you mean? - I don't know.

411. No, you're right.

412. It's not our faults.

413. I'll tell you whose fault it is. Multi-level marketing.

414. Yeah, they lure you in with big promises

415. and self-improvement jargon, and then they suck you dry.

416. Who sucks you dry?

417. They prey on suckers.

418. Like us.

419. And the only way to get out of it is to find an even bigger sucker.

420. Ding-dang!

421. Eighty-percent margins? I feel like a thief.

422. Are you sure you want to sell me all these gorgeous leggings?

423. I mean, they're gorgeous.

424. - Yeah. - Yes.

425. Please take them.

426. Money's been tight lately.

427. Ma moved in. She's sick. The medical bills are crippling,

428. what with the dialysis every day. Don't ask.

429. But with this new revenue stream, our prayers have been answered.

430. God, I'm so happy I could sing.

431. It's going down

432. I'm yelling timber

433. I'd like to propose a toast.

434. Thanks for letting me order the sal-man.

435. Not really a toast, but I'll drink to it.

436. Here, have half my sandwich.

437. Thanks, babe.

438. You know, I guess I have made one really good decision...

439. My wife!

440. Aw!