1. Before we begin Christmas shopping,Copy !req
2. I thought I might reflect
on the importance of gift-giving.Copy !req
3. Put simply, gift-giving is the only wayCopy !req
4. for someone to know
how much you love them.Copy !req
5. Growing up, my father didn't love me.Copy !req
6. Thus, he only ever gave me one gift...Copy !req
7. A VHS copy of Death Wish 3,Copy !req
8. only sold at Exxon stations
for one week in 1985.Copy !req
9. Good to see I'm finally getting through
to you knuckleheads.Copy !req
10. Knuckle deep, Dad. Can we go now?Copy !req
11. Nope. They only sold one copy,
and the rest they usedCopy !req
12. as security tapes until they wore out.Copy !req
13. Meaning it's likely the only copy
in circulation.Copy !req
14. The day my dad traded it for our first
VCR was the saddest day of my life.Copy !req
15. But there was one positive
to your childhood trauma.Copy !req
16. And that was that it caused me
to overcorrectCopy !req
17. and become the world's best gift-giver,
the King of Presents.Copy !req
18. All hail the King.Copy !req
19. Now, since I'm King of Presents,
I only need one hour to shop.Copy !req
20. But as my first gift of the season,
I'm giving all of you two.Copy !req
21. Well, I already knocked out my shopping.Copy !req
22. I'm gonna go see if the single-occupant
restroom at Banana Republic's available.Copy !req
23. Klaus is definitely lying and not
buying us gifts this year, right?Copy !req
24. We'll just have to see
when we open presents Christmas Eve.Copy !req
25. All right, enough chit-chat. Break.Copy !req
26. Well, since I bought all my gifts
months ago, I guess we can go home.Copy !req
27. But I can't remember where I parked.Copy !req
28. Was it P1 or...
Oh, no, it was right there.Copy !req
29. Good morning, USACopy !req
30. Can I tag along and watch the King?Copy !req
31. I'm not buying any presents
because I'm Wiccan this year.Copy !req
32. Always got time for my subjects.Copy !req
33. I'll show you my King of Presents
Two-Pronged Present-Buying System.Copy !req
34. Prong one, use the employees.Copy !req
35. Just give them a brief description
of who you're buying for.Copy !req
36. Hey, my daughter's 19 and a girl.Copy !req
37. Prong two, spring for something nicer.
Your family deserves it.Copy !req
38. Come on, something nicer than that.Copy !req
39. And that's how it's done.Copy !req
40. My son is 14 and a boy.Copy !req
41. My wife is 39 and a woman.Copy !req
42. My fish is 58 and a German man.Copy !req
43. My uncle in the attic is 1,600 years old
and non-gendered.Copy !req
44. An air fryer?
Come on, something nicer than that.Copy !req
45. Follow me.Copy !req
46. Two-pack?
And that's why you're the King.Copy !req
47. The Opulus.
The gateway to the Metaverse.Copy !req
48. Unlike in real life, in the Metaverse
the possibilities are endless.Copy !req
49. Just put on the Opulus, and in seconds
you could be riding a Jet Ski,Copy !req
50. feeding an ostrich,
or riding an ostrich like a Jet Ski.Copy !req
51. Oh, I'd die
to ride an ostrich like a Jet Ski.Copy !req
52. But I don't even have enough money
to buy my family presents,Copy !req
53. let alone an Opulus for myself.Copy !req
54. Dad's buying me one?Copy !req
55. You're lucky you came in when you did.Copy !req
56. This is our last Opulus.Copy !req
57. That was weird.Copy !req
58. And now, my gift to you all.Copy !req
59. Klaus' famous eggnog.Copy !req
60. This one's booze, this one's weed,
and this one's five-hour energy.Copy !req
61. None for you, Stan.Copy !req
62. Eggnog gives you that nasty-ass gas.Copy !req
63. Your body is a fart machine
that runs on eggnog.Copy !req
64. You're Fart Simpson.Copy !req
65. Don't have a cow...
Don't have any dairy.Copy !req
66. Can we focus on the main event here?Copy !req
67. To Hayles-Bells.
Love, the King of Presents.Copy !req
68. Dad, I love it.Copy !req
69. I've been wanting to get back
into clubbing.Copy !req
70. Oh! This'll go great
with my Ziploc bag of molly.Copy !req
71. This one's from Stan too.Copy !req
72. Oh, it's beautiful, Stan.Copy !req
73. It's a Pandora bracelet.
You fill them with charms.Copy !req
74. There's a bear charm on there because
we went to the zoo once, I think.Copy !req
75. I think we did too, Stan.Copy !req
76. Muah.Copy !req
77. I just wanna remind everyone
I was a little light on money this year,Copy !req
78. so I had to get creative.Copy !req
79. Mom and Hayley,
your gifts are actually virtual,Copy !req
80. so check your inboxes.Copy !req
81. Wait, is this a Cameo
from Deandre Ayton?Copy !req
82. My favorite basketball player?Copy !req
83. Hey, Hayley. It's me, Deandre Ayton.
I heard you're quite the hooper.Copy !req
84. Hope you have a great Christmas,
dominate the paint,Copy !req
85. and protect the rim at all costs.Copy !req
86. Oh, my God, Steve.Copy !req
87. Mom, your gift is a music video
of a song I wrote for you.Copy !req
88. This Christmas,
I give you my heartCopy !req
89. Which is where it'll stay
till you pass awayCopy !req
90. Aww.Copy !req
91. Stan, can I talk to you upstairs?Copy !req
92. Just as I thought.
Steve is demolishing you at gift-giving.Copy !req
93. He's gonna take the title
of King of Presents.Copy !req
94. That's impossible.Copy !req
95. All he's given are videos.
Those aren't gifts.Copy !req
96. At best, they're GIFs.Copy !req
97. That's what's hot right now.Copy !req
98. They're called "experiences"
and the family's loving them.Copy !req
99. Don't believe me?Copy !req
100. I had a thermal reader installed
in the living roomCopy !req
101. to measure each person's reaction.Copy !req
102. Well, I installed it for
a sex group I'm in,Copy !req
103. but the same principles of giving
and receiving are at play.Copy !req
104. Steve's in first and you each only have
one present left.Copy !req
105. What do you think? Torch the house,
burn it down, none of this counts?Copy !req
106. I'm the King of Presents for a reason.Copy !req
107. Watch and learn.Copy !req
108. - It's a... Chef's jersey!
- Chiefs jersey.Copy !req
109. Patrick Mahomes,
the jersey all the kids want this year.Copy !req
110. It'll help you fit in
and not get beat up.Copy !req
111. Aww, thanks, Dad.Copy !req
112. Here's mine for you.Copy !req
113. Feels a little light.Copy !req
114. Oh, my God.Copy !req
115. Exxon Presents Death Wish 3.Copy !req
116. - How did you find this?
- Took me months.Copy !req
117. Had to get pretty deep into the world
of VHS collectors.Copy !req
118. Which, as it happens,
is not a scene for children.Copy !req
119. It's the greatest gift
I've ever received.Copy !req
120. Even better than the last time I got it.Copy !req
121. - Wait...
- It's over.Copy !req
122. He got you. The King is dead.Copy !req
123. No, no, no, no. You son of a bitch.Copy !req
124. You knew exactly what you were doing.Copy !req
125. Oh, this is so good.Copy !req
126. This is... not over.Copy !req
127. This is not over!Copy !req
128. My God, this is beautiful.Copy !req
129. I can't believe I'm touching it again.Copy !req
130. You monster! I will destroy you!Copy !req
131. I don't love you!
Even though you gave me this.Copy !req
132. Every dad dreads the day
his son overtakes him.Copy !req
133. If I'm not the King of Presents,
what's the point of Christmas?Copy !req
134. You can still fix this, Stan.Copy !req
135. You just have to get Steve
an even better gift than he got youCopy !req
136. by the end of Christmas tomorrow.Copy !req
137. How are we gonna do that?Copy !req
138. It's gonna be tough.
His gift did make you cry.Copy !req
139. Wait, I know. Opulus goggles!Copy !req
140. - What the hell is an "Opulus goggles"?
- You wear 'em.Copy !req
141. They're the gateway to the Metaverse.
Duh! And exactly what Steve wants.Copy !req
142. Anyway, they're sold out everywhere,
but you might have a chance online.Copy !req
143. You're in luck.
There's one pair left on Amazon,Copy !req
144. and it can get here by morning.Copy !req
145. Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
146. Let me just clear out my cart.Copy !req
147. What's this huge jug
of soy sauce doing in here?Copy !req
148. Didn't I already buy that?Copy !req
149. Because if I didn't,
I definitely want to.Copy !req
150. But I don't want to end up
with two huge jugs of soy sauce.Copy !req
151. - Buy the goggles!
- Buy.Copy !req
152. Oh, no. It just sold out!Copy !req
153. And I bought two more jugs of soy sauce?Copy !req
154. Damn it, Roger. Now what am I gonna do?Copy !req
155. Um, there is one guy I know
that would definitely have it right now.Copy !req
156. Only problem is,
he's pretty much our biggest enemy.Copy !req
157. I'm talking about... Santa.Copy !req
158. Oh, yeah, he is our biggest enemy.Copy !req
159. I thought you meant the guy
that made up that song about meCopy !req
160. on the shuttle to airport
and got everyone to join in.Copy !req
161. What? No, that guy was hilarious.Copy !req
162. Big-chin guy dropped his bagCopy !req
163. Got real mad in a fight with his wifeCopy !req
164. Gonna miss his flight
Oh, yeahCopy !req
165. You know how you two always beg
for a bigger role in the family?Copy !req
166. - No.
- Yes.Copy !req
167. Well, now's your chance.Copy !req
168. I'm gonna super-speed Stan
up to the North Pole to get a present,Copy !req
169. and we need you two to cover for us.Copy !req
170. You want Rogu and me
to pretend to be the two of you?Copy !req
171. Yeah, Rogu will be me,
and you'll be Stan.Copy !req
172. Why do I have to be Stan?Copy !req
173. I'm more like Roger. I'm wild.Copy !req
174. Wait, you would rather be Roger than me?Copy !req
175. I'm Daddy. I like wine.Copy !req
176. Please tell me that's not
your impression of me, Rogu.Copy !req
177. Wine's not even a big part of who I am.Copy !req
178. - You do drink a lot of wine, Roger.
- I do a lot of a lotta things.Copy !req
179. All right, stop. Time is of the essence.Copy !req
180. Rogu will play me,
and Klaus the Traitor will play Roger.Copy !req
181. We're depending on you two.Copy !req
182. The fate of Christmas as we know it
is in the balance.Copy !req
183. Okay, maybe you should've
climbed in after...Copy !req
184. No, I got it.Copy !req
185. Man, we haven't even left the house yet
and my thighs are burning.Copy !req
186. Hey, that's the elf
that choked me out last time.Copy !req
187. - I'm gonna go say hi.
- Roger, no!Copy !req
188. Hey, remember me from a few years ago?Copy !req
189. He remembers... how I like it.Copy !req
190. Now I've got to convince Santa
to give me this year's hottest gift.Copy !req
191. After I convince him
not to kill me, of course.Copy !req
192. This is gonna take
all my CIA negotiation training.Copy !req
193. Please, please, please, don't kill me.
I need an Opulus.Copy !req
194. I'll do anything. I'll eat gross stuff.Copy !req
195. I'll put firecrackers in my butt.Copy !req
196. I'll tell the guys at work
how I manscapeCopy !req
197. using a pair of plastic
kindergarten scissors.Copy !req
198. I'll do anything!Copy !req
199. Jesus, man, get up.Copy !req
200. The neighbors record everything.Copy !req
201. You're lucky you caught me when you did.Copy !req
202. Christmas Eve, right before
I deliver presents, is when I'm nicest.Copy !req
203. Good, because my son's gunning for me.
And if I don't get him an Opulus,Copy !req
204. I lose my crown as my family's
King of Presents.Copy !req
205. There you are.
Why aren't you answering your texts?Copy !req
206. I think I left my cell phone somewhere.Copy !req
207. You are killing me right now.Copy !req
208. We have to stay on schedule.Copy !req
209. I'm coming, Guffrie!
I have a guest right now.Copy !req
210. Those are contradictory sentences.Copy !req
211. I'm coming!Copy !req
212. - Nog?
- I shouldn't.Copy !req
213. Actually, what the hell?Copy !req
214. How often do you get the chance to drink
Santa's nog, right?Copy !req
215. You might be able to hold off your son
this year, Stan,Copy !req
216. but he's going to keep coming for you.Copy !req
217. I've been in the presents game
a long timeCopy !req
218. and I've never seen anything
like what's happening now.Copy !req
219. The Internet? Amazon?Copy !req
220. And you know who I blame?
The millennials.Copy !req
221. Don't even get me started on them.Copy !req
222. Never seen anything like them
in my 2,000 years.Copy !req
223. With their cool haircuts
and their skinny jeans.Copy !req
224. I don't understand the skinny jeans.Copy !req
225. What if you wanna sit down?
That can't be comfortable.Copy !req
226. And when you do,
where does the penis go?Copy !req
227. Where does the penis go?Copy !req
228. That's why I like a baggier crotch
in my pants.Copy !req
229. I love it. I love a baggy crotch.Copy !req
230. I'd like to wear those baggy pants
that men wore in Middle-Eastern bazaars.Copy !req
231. - Like in Aladdin.
- I have a pair and I love them.Copy !req
232. They're called "harem pants."Copy !req
233. And by the way, they're back
in a big way right now, Stan.Copy !req
234. I gotta say, I'm surprised
we're getting along so well.Copy !req
235. - Me too.
- It's too bad we're enemies,Copy !req
236. 'cause you really got your head
screwed on straight.Copy !req
237. Can I show you something
I've been working on?Copy !req
238. Of course. You can show me anything.Copy !req
239. Shouldn't we be spending
Christmas Eve together?Copy !req
240. Just let your dad spin out
upstairs with Roger.Copy !req
241. The Enrique Iglesias Holiday Special
is on and he really revs my vagina,Copy !req
242. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
243. It's... You're being very clear.Copy !req
244. Hi, Stan.
It's me, Roger. What are you doing?Copy !req
245. Taking shower.
I'm loud man.Copy !req
246. There. Stop worrying.
Your dad's taking a shower.Copy !req
247. Why's he using our shower?Copy !req
248. Loud man like variety.Copy !req
249. There, you satisfied?Copy !req
250. "Loud man like variety."Copy !req
251. Now that we've stolen the technology
from the Opulus,Copy !req
252. I'm making my own version.Copy !req
253. I call them JollyGoggles,Copy !req
254. and they'll take you anywhere
in the Jingleverse,Copy !req
255. my version of the Metaverse.Copy !req
256. Sick names.Copy !req
257. In the Jingleverse, you can go anywhere.Copy !req
258. The Alps, the Caribbean, space.Copy !req
259. And it's so real,
people will never take them off.Copy !req
260. They'll spend all their time in there.Copy !req
261. Even exchanging virtual presents
in the Jingleverse on Christmas.Copy !req
262. And with the computer set up
to give out any gift imaginable,Copy !req
263. I'll never have to make another toy
in my life.Copy !req
264. Nice.Copy !req
265. Hey, you don't think I could get a pair
of JollyGoggles for Steve, do you?Copy !req
266. Unfortunately, we're a little
late to marketCopy !req
267. because we haven't had
any human beta-testers.Copy !req
268. Just elves, and all they want
is Christmas porn.Copy !req
269. Dirty little buggers.Copy !req
270. We do have
the hard-wired prototypes here.Copy !req
271. Wait! Stan, what if we put your family
in the Jingleverse without them knowing?Copy !req
272. Why would we do that?Copy !req
273. Because it's so real, when they wake up
they'd think it's real life.Copy !req
274. And we could program it
so you're King of Presents forever.Copy !req
275. Okay. So, how would we do that?Copy !req
276. When I'm delivering presents,
I'll just stop by your house,Copy !req
277. grab them, and bring them here.Copy !req
278. You'd really do that for me?Copy !req
279. - Of course.
- Thanks.Copy !req
280. - Here you are.
- I'm coming!Copy !req
281. If you don't leave right now,
children in the first time zone...Copy !req
282. I said I'm coming!Copy !req
283. Why do we look like this?Copy !req
284. What do you...Copy !req
285. Ah, Mamma mia! This isn't good.Copy !req
286. Why am I numbers?Copy !req
287. Why is babe numbers?
I'm not good at numbers.Copy !req
288. Okay, obviously, this isn't real life.
Only a fool would think that.Copy !req
289. This is the Jingleverse,
the Christmas version of the Metaverse.Copy !req
290. It's an experience I got you.
The King of Presents, baby.Copy !req
291. I can't believe those elves knocked outCopy !req
292. and kidnapped the whole family
except us.Copy !req
293. We're main family members.Copy !req
294. I'm loud man.Copy !req
295. We gotta go to the North Pole
and save and/or avenge these...Copy !req
296. Let's ride!Copy !req
297. Try to have a little fun.
We can go anywhere in the Jingleverse.Copy !req
298. We can go to the Alps!Copy !req
299. Oh, my God. It's so cold!Copy !req
300. I can't believe how real the cold feels.Copy !req
301. And what is that?Copy !req
302. Run. Run!Copy !req
303. Stan, what the hell's going on?Copy !req
304. It's okay, none of this is real.Copy !req
305. We're wearing goggles we can take off.Copy !req
306. Ugh. I can't get mine off.Copy !req
307. I can't get mine off. Santa! Santa!Copy !req
308. - Santa?
- Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.Copy !req
309. What the hell is he doing here?Copy !req
310. It's cool, we're friends now.
Hey, man. I can't get my goggles off.Copy !req
311. That's because
they're fused to your head.Copy !req
312. Just like they'll be fused
to every human's head next Christmas.Copy !req
313. Wait, once you put on the JollyGoggles
they never come off?Copy !req
314. Yeah, we think it's a featureCopy !req
315. that'll really help us
with user retention.Copy !req
316. But this place sucks.Copy !req
317. I've seen better-coded
'90s GeoCities sites.Copy !req
318. Hey! It's going to get a lot betterCopy !req
319. now that I finally have
some human beta-testers.Copy !req
320. You tricked me.Copy !req
321. Hey, you were so worried about your dumb
King of Presents thing,Copy !req
322. you would've agreed to anything.Copy !req
323. Wait, Stan.
You agreed to let Santa put us in here?Copy !req
324. The guy that left a diaper full of shit
under our Christmas tree?Copy !req
325. That was not me.Copy !req
326. I shit coal.Copy !req
327. I had to do something.Copy !req
328. Steve was gonna steal
my King of Presents crown.Copy !req
329. What? I just wanted to give you
a nice gift.Copy !req
330. Just wanted to give me a nice gift.
Just because.Copy !req
331. Not just because.
Because you're always there for us.Copy !req
332. Shoot, you went all the way
to the North Pole on Christmas EveCopy !req
333. just to get me a present.Copy !req
334. Steve, do not use this
as a positive example.Copy !req
335. That's why I wanted to get you
such a great present.Copy !req
336. Because you're always doing
crazy stuff for us.Copy !req
337. Thanks, Steve.Copy !req
338. I'm sorry I got you all stuck in here.Copy !req
339. - We should be at home.
- Wait, we're not at home?Copy !req
340. No. We're at the mercy of some...Copy !req
341. Millennial-looking Santa.Copy !req
342. He looks like Macklemore.Copy !req
343. More like if Santa ate Macklemore.Copy !req
344. Damn it, quit making me laugh.Copy !req
345. Oh, my God. What is that smell?Copy !req
346. Ugh. Smells like Dad's eggnog farts.Copy !req
347. Santa offered. What am I supposed to do,Copy !req
348. say no to Kris freaking Kringle's
personal nog?Copy !req
349. You talkin' about
Ho-Ho-Host Malone's nog over here?Copy !req
350. Okay, you know what? Screw you guys.
To JingleJail Island!Copy !req
351. Oh, my God. It's so cold again.Copy !req
352. Yep, and you'll get to feel it
for the rest of your lives.Copy !req
353. Well, as long as I can keep
your bodies alive in real life.Copy !req
354. Steve, I drank that nog in real life,
which means I farted in real life.Copy !req
355. - Cool, Dad.
- And we all smelt it in real life.Copy !req
356. Which means we're all in the same room.Copy !req
357. I'm going after Santa.Copy !req
358. Ow!Copy !req
359. - Hey!
- Hello.Copy !req
360. - Whoo-hoo!
- Hey! Someone touched me!Copy !req
361. I gotta give you props
on getting us this Sno-Cat, Rogu.Copy !req
362. Whatever you told that guy in the shed
really worked.Copy !req
363. Daddy teach me power of persuasion.Copy !req
364. That's you, isn't it, Stan?Copy !req
365. Guffrie!
Release me from the Jingleverse!Copy !req
366. Guffrie!Copy !req
367. - What do we do?
- Let's see where this goes.Copy !req
368. Stan, you've got no way out.
I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
369. Leave your family in here
and move in with me.Copy !req
370. Kings of Presents slash roommates.Copy !req
371. You know it'd be lit.Copy !req
372. I don't wanna be King of Presents
if the presents aren't for my family.Copy !req
373. That was a big mistake, Stan.Copy !req
374. Where are you, Guffrie?Copy !req
375. You're there, aren't you, Guffrie?
Let my family out.Copy !req
376. You can keep Santa in here all year
and run things your way.Copy !req
377. You know how much better it would be.Copy !req
378. Guffrie, if you are seriously there
and listening to this,Copy !req
379. I am going to shit myself.Copy !req
380. And then you can free all the elves
he's locked up in the Jingleverse.Copy !req
381. That's gotta be eating at you.Copy !req
382. Oh, wow.Copy !req
383. Always nice to have the CIA
come by and lecture meCopy !req
384. on putting people in cages.Copy !req
385. Oh, you dicks!Copy !req
386. I'm gonna kill you, Smith.Copy !req
387. I know where you live!Copy !req
388. I know where everybody lives!Copy !req
389. Let's go.Copy !req
390. I'm the Santa now.Copy !req
391. Hey, you guys trying
to get out of here too?Copy !req
392. I just had a three-way
and we were not all on the same page.Copy !req
393. Hearts were broken.Copy !req
394. What's that?Copy !req
395. Somebody need a ride?Copy !req
396. Chicks ride free.Copy !req
397. - We can't all fit in there.
- Look over there.Copy !req
398. And over there.Copy !req
399. Well, another pretty good Christmas
in the books, wouldn't you say?Copy !req
400. Jesus, what is that smell?Copy !req
401. Stan.
Dad!Copy !req
402. Ugh!Copy !req
403. Merry ChristmasCopy !req