American Dad! 20x21

Directed by Josue Cervantes

Matt McKenna as Buckle (voice) • Chris Diamantopoulos as Photographer (voice) • Breckin Meyer as Inventor (voice) • Chris Parnell as Dr. Moe Munney (voice) • Amir Talai as Scotty (voice)

Suspicious about Hayley's mysterious, newfound wealth, Francine decides to get to the bottom of it. Roger sets out to make Stan an internet celebrity.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, Hayley, you know what I drove by the other day?

2. That old place we always used to go to when you were little.

3. The ice cream shop, with the kind of confusing name?

4. - Hot Scoops? - Yeah. What do you say we go after this,

5. for old times' sake?

6. Wish I could, Big Mama, but I gotta... get to work.

7. I thought Sub Hub was still closed because of that whole horse meat thing.

8. You know, how they found out it was actually raccoon meat.

9. That's right. Huh.

10. I meant, I have a... Let's see.

11. A Groff Progressive Student Alliance meeting.

12. On Cesar Chavez Day?

13. Babe, it's the Scholastic Book Fair at the middle school today.

14. Can I get an advance on my allowance?

15. Okay, but no Goosebumps.

16. - You'll be awake all night. - Woop!

17. Since when does Hayley have that kind of loot?

18. Hmm. Must be picking up a little extra scratch somehow.

19. Some, uh, walkin' around money?

20. Chuckle cheddar? Some funky frog-skins?

21. Play-dough, little stash o' cushion cash.

22. But where is Hayley picking up that kind of wallet candy?

23. Must get it from me.

24. The ability to make money, that is, not the money itself.

25. As you know, having come from poverty, I pride myself on my ability

26. to provide this family a high standard of living.

27. Steve-o, heads up! Escargot, comin' in hot!

28. Hold up. Gettin' a call from my financial planner.

29. Scotty Boombotty! Let me get somewhere quiet

30. so you can really scream those big-ass numbers at me.

31. Double-digit gains, you say?

32. - No! I said "devastating losses." - What?

33. I told you not to put everything you had into pornographic Pogs.

34. But the children of the '90s are all grown up.

35. Naturally, they'll now be looking for Pogs

36. with more adult-oriented content.

37. I remember the words "sure thing" being said.

38. By you! I begged you not to do it!

39. Okay. Give it to me straight. How much have I lost?

40. Stan, you're gonna lose the house.

41. No one must know.

42. No one must know that anything is wrong.

43. Porn Pogs must've gone tits up.

44. I don't think he's coming down.

45. Ah. Shizballs. I gotta scoot.

46. Here. Can you stick this on Dad's back for me?

47. For your trouble.

48. Since when does Hayley have a bleeper?

49. Are you trying to say "beeper"?

50. Where the hell is this guy? I got shit I gotta do.

51. Good morning, USA

52. No one must know.

53. No one must know that I've bankrupted the family.

54. You've bankrupted the what now?

55. Probably shoulda done this in the bathroom.

56. You heard nothing.

57. Looks like you're gonna have to find us some money fast, Francine.

58. One more thing to worry about.

59. What else is weighing on you?

60. Those chimpanzees in the news that have been stepping on landmines

61. and losing their limbs? The chimp-u-tees?

62. No, it's Hayley.

63. Klaus, I think she might be... dealing.

64. - Pai Gow? - Drugs.

65. Cool.

66. But no way. Hayley's a drug doer, not a drug dealer.

67. Oh, yeah? What about the money, the secretiveness, the bleeper?

68. Sometimes, I feel like I don't know her at all.

69. It's not like it was when she was little.

70. We were two peas in a pod back then. Inseparable.

71. And everywhere we went, people just ate us right up, too.

72. You've heard the term "daughter-mama-charm-a-rama"?

73. No, never. - Well, we were a mega

74. daughter-mama-charm-a-rama.

75. Well, that I've heard.

76. But that was when she was a kid.

77. Now, honestly, God knows what she could be up to.

78. Why would you put this in here? What you doing?

79. Nothing!

80. Say, what's in the duffel bag?

81. Nothing! Gotta go.

82. You've been making that face a lot lately.

83. Like this.

84. This face.

85. I've ruined us, Roger. All our money, our iconic house, gone.

86. So you need to pick up a little extra scratch?

87. Funky frog-skins? A little zip-a-dee-moolah?

88. Excuse me one sec.

89. You! Don't move!

90. Rugged despair, salt-and-pepper stubble, Buzz Lightyear chin.

91. Why are you wearing a garbage bag?

92. I didn't bring a costume with me, so I had to make do

93. with what I could find in the bathroom trash can.

94. Giardia Capitosto, Web Ad Stock Photo Talent Manager.

95. The Internet needs handsome, graying, worried faces like yours.

96. Erectile dysfunction, reverse mortgages, 401k mismanagement.

97. From now on, you could be the face of them all.

98. - Is there money in that? - I think so?

99. All I know is you've got "it," kid,

100. and I'm gonna put you in the pictures.

101. The little pictures at the bottom of the screen on Barstool Sports.

102. What the hell are you doing in that bush?

103. If you must know,

104. I am trying to sneak into my ex-boyfriend's apartment.

105. - Sheila? - Oh, great.

106. The jib is up.

107. I know you've been pushing...

108. Arthritis medication?

109. It's true. These last few months,

110. I've had a secret side hustle going as a...

111. pharmaceutical representative.

112. So that's how you've been making all that extra money?

113. Pushing pills for Big Pharma?

114. Mom, I am begging you to keep this secret.

115. If anyone at the Groff Progressives found out...

116. Oh. I'll keep it secret, all right.

117. Secret like a fox.

118. - What does that... - I want in.

119. I want to push pills for Big Pharma, too.

120. Isn't this whole pharma rep thing a little shady, though?

121. Buttering up a bunch of pervy old doctors to...

122. Informing a bunch of pervy old doctors

123. about a miracle arthritis drug that really will help so many people.

124. Hey, if I ever found out Bendjuvanex wasn't all it's cracked up to be,

125. I would quit like that. But this drug is the real deal.

126. Derived from armadillo mucin humanely harvested

127. from the best-treated armadillos in the world.

128. Plus, it's been a great way to make a little extra scratch, ya know?

129. That light-green good-good.

130. Our scientists start with the best part of the armadillo, the mucin.

131. And through a proprietary extraction technology

132. yield an efficacy rate

133. of 42 percent over placebo...

134. with a Bayesian credible interval of 0.52 to 1.39.

135. Alleviation of arthritic immobility

136. reaches 39 and 47 percent...

137. over leading generic therapies

138. at initial dosages of 200...

139. and 400 milligrams respectively.

140. Other compelling numbers include 27,

141. 7,000, 70,000.

142. Okay, thanks so much,

143. but I think I'll just stick with generics.

144. Have a blessed day.

145. Another bust.

146. The commissions came so easy at first, but lately...

147. Maybe it's time to just hang it up.

148. Or maybe we just need to jazz up our pitch a little...

149. Mom. I've been doing this a while now, okay?

150. This is how we do it.

151. All right, sugar dumpling. Now y'all don't forget your chip clips

152. and your pen-flashlight-thumbdrive!

153. - Oh, sweet! - And I'll be in touch

154. with those Shark tickets, too.

155. Do you come with the tickets?

156. Listen, y'all keep those prescriptions a-scribble-dibble-doodlin'

157. and I just might!

158. Kidding, not kidding!

159. Oh, I will! Also kidding.

160. I'm not kidding.

161. There he is!

162. My worried web ad Adonis.

163. So rugged. So handsome. So haunted.

164. Brian, your KFC Famous Bowl is here.

165. - Don't move a muscle. - Bubbeleh, amazing news!

166. We already have another ten gigs lined up.

167. Your money troubles are finito.

168. - Oh, my God. Thank you, Roger. - Giardia something-something.

169. This is such a relief.

170. Now, you've just taken out a reverse mortgage,

171. and you're rocked to your very core contemplating the unforeseen risks.

172. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

173. What the... You, trash woman, over here.

174. - What's up? - What happened?

175. - He's lost the look. - The what?

176. The look.

177. Look. Just look at him!

178. Oh, yeah. God. He sucks.

179. Where's the concern? The stunned, grave, soul-piercing worry?

180. It's not there. He's it up.

181. I got this.

182. What's up? Everything good?

183. You know, on the set of The Exorcist, Billy Friedkin once slapped an actor

184. to get the stunned, haunted look he needed.

185. That's a really interesting bit of movie trivia. Thanks for...

186. There it is! Go, go, go!

187. Hayley, listen!

188. Sorry. Look, I know you wanna stick to facts and figures,

189. but if we're gonna keep this gig goin' and the money a-flowin',

190. we have to change things up.

191. Okay. Well, just how, exactly?

192. By focusing on the four S's,

193. sex, sass, and swag.

194. That's three. What's the 4th "S"?

195. It's "us."

196. The "S" is at the end of that one.

197. Us. You and me.

198. The daughter-mama-charm-a-rama!

199. Trust me. This is how we do it.

200. Okay, I'll do anything you want. Just give it to me!

201. Hmm. The broad's got the right look, but your boy...

202. On it.

203. And this is how we do it.

204. - Who are you talking to? - Anyone who'll listen.

205. Have we made enough money to save the house yet?

206. Not quite, love.

207. But never fear! Because you're moving up to the big leagues.

208. A live-action TV commercial for, wait for it, Bendjuvanex!

209. One last big slap, and your money troubles are finito.

210. Whaddaya say we go to BJ's and celebrate with a Pizookie?

211. One more big slap, and your troubles could be just beginning.

212. Oh, right. I forgot we were here.

213. All those slaps have left your face as fragile as a gossamer veil of ice

214. atop a springtime lagoon.

215. My God, that's...

216. a beautiful description.

217. The point is, even one more slap to Stan's bullshit face bones

218. and he risks... a full facial cave-in.

219. I still wanna get a Pizookie.

220. I give you our new top regional reps,

221. Hayley and Francine Smith,

222. who will be receiving a hefty bonus

223. and the honor of driving the Bendjuvanex Pillmobile.

224. I couldn't have done it without ya. So here's to you, Big Mama.

225. Nah, nah, nah, Little Mama. To us.

226. I couldn't've done it without you either.

227. No us? No magic.

228. And no magic, no money.

229. All right. I gotta use the little reps' room.

230. Congratulations to the big hero.

231. You wanna go, brah? What's your problem, chief?

232. Our problem is Bendjuvanex!

233. I was the lead scientist who developed it.

234. And this miracle drug that I made, and that you're selling,

235. isn't all it's cracked up to be.

236. Oh, no. Does it not work?

237. What? It works great. I take it myself.

238. In fact, it works too great.

239. The clinical trials all went so well at first.

240. The subjects' arthritis improved rapidly.

241. But soon, after ingesting all that damn mucin,

242. they must've built up so many armadillo pheromones

243. that they began to attract...

244. predators.

245. First came the coyotes.

246. Our headquarters was right next to a desert. Then the bears, owls,

247. red-tailed hawks, a few Komodo dragons.

248. Ninety-four percent of the non-control group

249. was killed by armadillo predators.

250. Well, that was in a lab setting. We don't know it'll translate to...

251. Yes, we do. And we covered it up!

252. God knows what we're unleashing on the world!

253. Shame on all of us!

254. I didn't get to finish my Negroni.

255. Hey. Did I miss anything?

256. Nope. In fact, you're getting half a Negroni.

257. Make sure you've got the Bendjuvanex barbecue set.

258. The doc we're seeing here is a total swag hag.

259. Hey, you can't park that there.

260. It's okay!

261. We're top regional reps!

262. His office is just through the ER.

263. Another coyote bite here!

264. Komodo dragon just tore through the Ruby Tuesdays on Sixth!

265. Incoming!

266. Coyotes? Komodo... What the hell is going on?

267. I have no idea.

268. Oh, don't you?

269. This is exactly what I warned you would happen.

270. Mom? What's this guy talking about?

271. I'm talking about Bendjuvanex.

272. They knew this would happen.

273. They knew and they covered it up. And so did she!

274. What... I... Bear!

275. Oh, God. What have we done?

276. So this is true? And you... knew?

277. I... didn't know for sure that...

278. And you let me go out there with you, pushing this death drug onto people?

279. - I just... I needed... - You needed what?

280. A little extra scratch? How could you?

281. I never want to speak to you again.

282. Can you do me a solid?

283. Check out my toe tag, tell me what it says.

284. Please, please, please, please.

285. "Goner."

286. Are you sure you want me to slap you, Stan?

287. If you care to remember, your face might cave in.

288. I'm afraid we have no choice. It's a risk I'll just have to take.

289. I needs dem clams.

290. Whoa. Now that's what I call grave, soul-piercing worry.

291. Stan! Lock that in. You got back the look.

292. - It's a miracle! - What the hell is this?

293. Weren't you just a photographer a few weeks ago?

294. Yeah, my career has advanced, too. I'm a director now.

295. But this is an "after" commercial.

296. After the drug has given him a new lease on life.

297. I need ease, contentment, joy!

298. Quick, Stan! Smile!

299. I can't! I'm locked in here.

300. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

301. Roger, slap me!

302. If you could slap worry onto my face, just maybe you can slap it...

303. Bendjuvanex

304. Look forward again to the free time,

305. the quality time,

306. the good times.

307. Bendjuvanex.

308. Look forward again... to what's around the bend.

309. Bend, bend, Bendjuvanex

310. Side effects, while rare,

311. may include hypoxia, hypothermia, heart palpitations,

312. hyperhydrosis, hydrohyposis, encephalitis,

313. elephantitis, and weeping anus.

314. If you experience weeping anus lasting over 24 hours,

315. that's a bad sign. If while taking the drug

316. you see coyotes, bears, owls, Komodo dragons or desert raptors

317. lurking nearby, don't worry. It's probably just your imagination.

318. Bendjuvanex

319. They're still covering it all up and selling the damn stuff.

320. Sorry. What? No one's been keeping me in the loop on this one.

321. You were dealing Pai Gow or something?

322. - This a religious thing? - No.

323. I'm here on behalf of Bobo's Promise, the chimp-u-tee charity.

324. Are you Francine Smith?

325. no!

326. Well, we're here to thank her for the generous weekly donations

327. of $10,000 she's been making for the past two months.

328. Wait. That would've been her entire share of everything we made,

329. from the very start.

330. "Made." So that means there's no more money?

331. Crap. I'm selling this thing for scrap metal then.

332. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, Bobo.

333. So you didn't do it for the money?

334. No.

335. I knew your dad was taking care of that.

336. I mean, his face is all over the dang Internet.

337. The money... was always just an excuse.

338. - For what? - To hang out with you.

339. Like we did when you were little.

340. That's why I didn't tell you when I found out about the drug.

341. I just didn't want it to end.

342. I'm sorry, kiddo.

343. Now come on. Let's go that pharmaceutical company's shit

344. right up in the face.

345. All right. We go in through the vents, make our way to the C-suite,

346. download the secret animal attack data, and get it to the press.

347. Why'd you bring the t-shirt cannon?

348. In case we run into any trouble.

349. Got it.

350. Hand it over, ladies.

351. Quick, Hayley! Charm him.

352. You think you can tug at my heartstrings?

353. I'm a pharmaceutical executive.

354. I don't have any.

355. Run!

356. Gotcha!

357. Hey! Skinko!

358. Time to take your medicine.

359. Oh, no.

360. Mr. Skinko, coyotes have breached the perimeter and are in the vents!

361. Armadillo tuck!

362. You know, we should do this more often.

363. Hang out, that is. Not, you know, this.

364. Now that's what I call a little extra scratch!

365. Let's get outta here. This is actually pretty gruesome.