1. Previously on American Dad...
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2. Babe, where's my hat?
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3. Wait! This isn't my hat.
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4. I'm lost without my hat.
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5. Don't shut me out, Jeff.
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6. Our new life begins today.
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7. Welcome to Lids. I'm Parker.
What can I help you find today?
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8. That's right. Tonight,
your questions are finally answered.
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9. Tonight, you find out
what happened with Jeff's hat.
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10. This episode takes place right after
that episode where Jeff lost his hat,
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11. and before he gets it back.
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12. He doesn't buy that one.
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13. Good morning, USA
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14. I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
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15. The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
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16. And he's shining a salute
To the American race
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17. Oh, boy, it's swell to say
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18. Good morning, USA
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19. Ah!
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20. Good morning, USA
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21. Check it out.
I found my old high school yearbook.
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22. Wait. You're from a different planet,
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23. but you went to high school
and had a yearbook?
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24. Captain of the JV lacrosse team
two years in a row.
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25. This has taken me back.
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26. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, wow.
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27. Oh, my God!
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28. - Wow. Wow!
- Oh, my God.
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29. - "Wow," what?
- Nothing. Just reminiscing.
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30. He wanted me to ask!
I know you wanted me to ask.
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31. My senior portrait.
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32. "Live fast
and leave a dope-ass footprint."
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33. Is that your senior quote?
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34. Great long-distance reading, Mom.
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35. Yeah, I put that in there
to always remind me
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36. why I didn't just take a job working
at my Uncle Rizbo's space gas station.
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37. They really call it a space gas station?
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38. What would you call a place that
sells space gas?
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39. Uncle R wanted me bad,
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40. but I thought I was destined
for greater things.
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41. I don't know.
I thought I was going to make a mark,
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42. but when I think about it,
what have I actually done?
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43. What are you talking about?
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44. You've been a senator,
a wedding planner.
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45. - You were essentially a cop.
- That's essentially true.
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46. Your footprint is crazy dope, bro.
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47. But I didn't do those things,
my personas did.
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48. If the losers from my high school try
to look me up, they won't find Roger,
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49. they'll find Reaganomics Lamborghini,
or Twill Ongenbone, or Ricky Spanish.
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50. Doesn't someone usually...
Sorry, I was ripping a clove.
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51. Ricky Spanish.
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52. I know exactly how you feel, Roger.
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53. Everything I've done for the CIA?
Completely anonymous.
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54. I skinned a warlord alive, but you won't
read about that in the papers.
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55. Do you want people to read about that?
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56. Oh, my God, none of you understand me.
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57. I do, Stan!
This started out as my thing.
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58. - Remember?
- Oh, yeah.
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59. Come on, Roger.
Let's eat somewhere else.
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60. This lady always
gets my order wrong anyway.
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61. It's Hayley. She says Jeff needs us.
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62. - Is this the hat thing?
- Bet your ass it is.
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63. Let's roll.
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64. Roger, where are we?
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65. Bruncha Nonsense,
Langley's hottest party brunch spot.
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66. And we're here
because they have bottomless mimosas.
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67. And if we're gonna figure out
how to leave a footprint behind,
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68. we're gonna need drinks.
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69. Oh, shit! The drag show is starting.
Don't make eye contact.
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70. Stop me if I try to top them and
embarrass myself by doing the splits,
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71. which I'm not even good at
because of my little meatball legs.
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72. Just make today about me for once!
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73. Hayley! We came as soon as we could.
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74. - What's the status?
- Zero progress.
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75. Jeff's been staring at these hats
for six hours.
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76. - Oh, the poor thing.
- You can do this, buddy.
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77. Ask for a fedora.
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78. What's happening here?
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79. He's trying to pick a new hat.
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80. Oh, wow. Huge.
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81. Yeah, sorry, I'm not coming.
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82. Let me know if we have a boy or a girl.
Love you. Bye!
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83. Okay, if we want to leave
a big footprint,
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84. we need a big idea.
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85. Oh! What if we get the city council
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86. to turn that abandoned lot by the mall
into a park for kids?
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87. Yes, and maybe at night
it can be for drug addicts.
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88. Sure, and we can put our names on it.
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89. Stan and Roger Park.
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90. Amazing. Except...
Except it sounds hard.
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91. Is there anything easier?
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92. Easier would be easier.
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93. You know what all these mimosas
make me want to do?
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94. Go to a taping of Morning Mimosa.
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95. Oh, you think we're drunk enough?
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96. They ask that you be pretty drunk.
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97. I told you we were drunk enough.
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98. We're not as drunk as Trish.
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99. Stan, I thought of a footprint idea.
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100. What's the one thing I can do
that everyone will remember?
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101. Win the Stanley Cup?
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102. Reveal myself as an alien!
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103. Perfect.
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104. But what about the CIA?
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105. They'll arrest you
and use you for esper-I-mints.
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106. Yeah. I forget
they're after me sometimes.
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107. Me too. I go through long stretches
where I don't even think about it.
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108. You know what's crazy?
I see Bullock all the time.
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109. I have a persona
that plays poker with him,
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110. one that is on a bowling team with him.
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111. We've been on
nine different Hinge dates.
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112. He always asks for a ride home
so he can make a move in the car.
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113. What a skeeze.
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114. Good tactic though. Usually works on me.
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115. Stan, I figured it out.
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116. When I reveal myself, you catch me.
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117. Then you tell everyone you killed me,
and I go back in the attic.
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118. Of course! You're Earth's first alien
and I'd be the man who killed him!
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119. Footprint City, USA!
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120. Aye, aye, Captain.
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121. Captain? Did you draw on my face again?
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122. It's no use, it's permanent.
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123. You gotta wait for the skin to die
and flake off.
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124. So, we've got a big idea,
and now we need a big audience.
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125. We need a TV show.
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126. Yes, but how do we get one?
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127. That's the easy part.
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128. You ever heard of Brandon Tartikoff?
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129. NBC President from 1981 to 1991?
Rings a bell.
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130. Legend has it that the idea
for Miami Vice
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131. came from Brandon writing
"MTV cops" on a cocktail napkin.
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132. - Is that true?
- Probably not.
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133. Even so, all we have to do
is put the right combination of words
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134. on a napkin,
and we'll be in television heaven.
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135. Excuse me.
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136. I am a successful television executive,
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137. and I believe that napkin
is going to be a hit show.
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138. - Can I buy it?
- Deal.
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139. Excellent. Nice to meet you.
I'm Tony Vengeance.
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140. Great name. Stan Smith. And this is...
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141. You're gonna like this,
he's usually got great names.
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142. Stan Matthews.
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143. - Really?
- Stan One and Stan Two, love it.
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144. I'll see you Stans in Hollywood,
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145. where you'll make so much money
you could buy a real eye patch.
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146. And you can buy a nose.
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147. A real nose? I can almost smell it.
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148. Footprint City, here we come.
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149. Stan Matthews?
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150. Yeah, Dave Matthews' brother.
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151. - Oh, wow.
- And that is why I don't lead with it.
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152. Stan Matthews likes to make
his own way in the world.
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153. There are 1,500 IRS agents
in the state of Virginia.
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154. These are their stories.
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155. - Everyone pays taxes, dirtbag.
- Easy.
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156. He's rich. The rules don't apply.
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157. He's shooting at us!
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158. Good. The windshield is a write-off.
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159. I know this guy is lying on his taxes,
I just don't know how.
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160. The numbers.
The answer is always the numbers!
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161. Got him.
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162. What does this guy want?
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163. Revenge. I busted him for claiming
a boa constrictor as a dependent.
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164. That snake!
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165. Ma'am, I'm afraid I have bad news.
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166. I don't know, partner.
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167. Sometimes it feels like all we do
is look for write-offs.
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168. What we should be doing
is looking for right-ons.
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169. You're killing it, Stans!
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170. Twelve episodes aired,
and an Emmy for Best New Show!
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171. The network is so pleased
that they've decided
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172. to air the finale after the Super Bowl!
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173. After the Super Bowl?
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174. Not only that,
but we're gonna do the episode live!
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175. Well, I'll leave you two
to your creative process.
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176. Heavens to Betsy!
Our plan is working, Stan.
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177. Oh, I got you something
to commemorate the footprint
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178. we're gonna make
when we drop the A-bomb.
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179. Do you mean "alien bomb"?
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180. Exactly.
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181. And the finale is the perfect place
to drop it.
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182. Yeah, totally, totally.
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183. Doesn't want to open his gift.
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184. That's fine. Friendship is
best celebrated alone, I guess.
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185. Unless he thinks it's for Christmas!
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186. Listen up, gang.
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187. The network just told me our finale
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188. is going to air live
after the Super Bowl.
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189. - I need ideas.
- Ideas?
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190. Aren't we locked in with the A-bomb?
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191. Maybe, but let's keep it open until
the staff has a chance to weigh in.
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192. Maybe we do an episode shot entirely
from the perspective of a tax return.
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193. And like, half the episode is just
hearing voices from inside an envelope?
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194. That's good, Finchy.
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195. Stan, I don't... I don't think
that works with the thing.
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196. - What thing?
- The big reveal?
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197. - The big alien reveal?
- The big alien reveal?
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198. Are we tackling the tax ramifications
of illegal immigration?
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199. No. Can I talk to you outside?
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200. Write that down, Andrew.
For next season.
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201. I'm not afraid to tell the truth.
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202. Look, Roger, I know the original idea
was the whole alien thing,
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203. but I really feel like that's not
the story we're telling anymore.
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204. - That's the only story!
- Totally.
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205. We've got that
in our back pocket, for sure.
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206. But I've been thinking.
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207. What if Audit Dogs is our footprint?
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208. Why do sci-fi alien stuff
when we can say something real?
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209. It's not sci-fi, Stan. It's my life.
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210. If it has aliens, it's sci-fi,
even if it's real.
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211. Why would we pivot when
we're just scratching the surface
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212. of the racist origins
of the Virginia tax code?
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213. Come on, Roger. We won an Emmy.
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214. I didn't! Stan Matthews did,
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215. and that's the worst persona name
I've ever come up with.
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216. You added "esquire."
That's pretty funny.
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217. Yeah, well, Roger still needs
to make his footprint somehow.
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218. And I'm gonna do something about it.
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219. Babe, you can do this.
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220. Parker's trying to help you.
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221. You gotta sack up and trust him.
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222. He put us all in great hats.
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223. He can do that for you.
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224. What is happening here?
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225. He's trying to pick a new hat.
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226. Did he try that blue one?
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227. He did. No-go.
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228. Is that a talking fish?
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229. Welcome back.
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230. We're very excited
to bring on our next guests,
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231. the creators and stars of Audit Dogs,
Stan Smith and Stan Matthews!
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232. Welcome, Stans.
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233. Now, your show is very good.
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234. - Thank you.
- But you're not here to talk about that.
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235. Stan Two, we're told
you have something shocking to share.
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236. No, don't do this.
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237. Trish and Suze, I am not Stan Matthews.
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238. I'm not even a man.
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239. - I'm...
- A dog.
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240. - No. I'm...
- Two dogs?
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241. Hold that thought.
I'm being told by our producers
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242. that we're being pre-empted by the news!
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243. Ew.
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244. Memphis Stormfront here
with breaking news.
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245. Mankind has made contact
with extraterrestrial life.
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246. An alien spacecraft has landed
in Langley Falls.
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247. - What the...
- I knew you'd try something like this.
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248. This is you?
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249. We bring you there live.
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250. As he descends from his ship,
I wonder why he's chosen
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251. our insignificant rock, Earth.
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252. What wisdom hath he come to share?
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253. Oh, well, probably for the best.
He looked weird.
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254. This will surely be the first
of many aliens to visit Earth,
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255. but who will care
or remember the next one?
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256. Now, back to Morning Mimosa,
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257. where I understand Trish is interviewing
a dog, or possibly two.
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258. Another alien?
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259. Are you shitting me right now?
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260. I knew you were gonna harp on this.
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261. Because being the first alien here
was my last shot at leaving a footprint.
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262. And you took that away from me,
for your precious show.
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263. Goodbye forever, Stan.
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264. I'm packing my things and leaving Earth!
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265. This is a mistake!
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266. We're making The Wire, but good!
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267. Jiminy Weasel, is that a weal wocket?
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268. That's a model, kid.
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269. Yeah, sure, buddy.
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270. knew it was a real rocket.
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271. Goodbye, Earth.
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272. You may not remember me,
but I'll never forget you.
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273. Sorry, kid, didn't realize
there was anyone else on here.
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274. Don't freak out, but I'm an alien.
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275. Well, then, don't you have
your own spaceship?
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276. Ah, crap. It was a really good one, too.
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277. I'm real happy to finally have you
working for me, Roger.
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278. I think this is gonna be great.
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279. Me too, Uncle Rizbo.
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280. I was obsessed with making
a massive footprint on the universe,
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281. but now I realize
I'll be perfectly happy
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282. making a smaller,
yet equally important footprint
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283. at this dingy gas station
with basically zero customers.
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284. I do have one question, though.
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285. How do you keep from killing yourself?
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286. My advice is to just take it
one space day at a time.
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287. You know what?
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288. Maybe I can do that.
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289. Which is 17 million Earth years.
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290. Well, I'll leave you to it.
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291. But two questions.
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292. Is that a human? And can I eat him?
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293. Ooh! I'm a hot commodity up here.
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294. Okay, Stan Two is gone
and we need to recast.
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295. I'm thinking either a super-hot lady
or Bobby Moynihan,
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296. but I'm open to ideas.
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297. What if your new partner
is a talking helicopter?
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298. How would I hear it talk
over the rotors?
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299. Subtitles?
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300. Don't take this the wrong way,
but you have bad ideas.
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301. Where did the good ideas come from?
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302. Where did this present come from?
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303. "Dear Stan, thank you
for making a footprint with me."
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304. "When I gazed down at the beach,
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305. "there was only one pair of footprints,
when there should've been two..."
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306. There should have been two.
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307. I have to rewrite the finale.
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308. Can we go home?
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309. No. I need to get a copy
of the finale to space.
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310. Which means I need you all
to build me a rocket ship.
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311. How are we supposed to do that?
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312. You're television writers,
the smartest people in the world.
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313. Figure it out.
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314. There's only one hat left.
This has got to be it.
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315. Oh, this one's fabulous.
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316. If he doesn't want it, I'm buying it.
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317. No, none of these hats will do!
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318. But there are no more hats.
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319. Yes, there is.
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320. But only one hat can make me whole.
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321. I know what I must do.
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322. I must go on a quest.
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323. A quest to find my actual hat.
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324. A quest? I'm in.
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325. But Mr. Klaus, it could be dangerous.
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326. Really? Why?
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327. Who cares about danger?
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328. My babe needs his hat.
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329. Stan One, I read the new finale.
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330. Pretty great, right?
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331. Oh, yeah, very great.
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332. The greatest. The best greatest.
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333. One sort of macro note... It's terrible.
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334. ly great?
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335. Usually, the show has a ton of action,
but this is just two characters
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336. talking about footprints in a diner.
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337. Everyone keeps talking
about someone named Roger.
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338. - Who is that? Who the is Roger?
- My best friend.
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339. If you do this episode, your audience
is going to be very confused.
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340. It could ruin the show.
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341. There are things I'm trying to say
to our audience and to Roger.
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342. Your best friend, Roger?
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343. Yes. If losing the show is the price
of getting my friend back, I'll pay it.
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344. Okay. You are the writer.
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345. I am just a humble television executive
here to support your vision,
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346. no matter what.
I do have six pages of notes.
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347. It's just stream-of-consciousness
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348. descriptions of what I think
unicorns are up to in real life.
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349. Take it or leave it.
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350. How are you watching Audit Dogs?
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351. We get Earth television up here,
just like in Contact.
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352. - You ever see that movie?
- No.
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353. So you're just another fraud
at Space Camp.
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354. I thought being Audit Dogs
was our legacy.
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355. No, we're not Audit Dogs.
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356. We're Stan and Roger.
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357. And when you left,
I remembered all the things we've done.
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358. I realized there was a hole in my heart
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359. where your foot had been,
because the footprints that matter
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360. are the ones you leave
on your loved ones,
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361. and you've left a Shaquille O'Neal-sized
footprint on my heart.
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362. This show sucks now.
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363. Stan always talked about
having something to say.
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364. Was that it?
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365. Yo, can I get a bathroom key?
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366. Is this an Emmy? From Earth?
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367. Yeah. How do you know that?
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368. I'm a major intergalactic
movie producer.
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369. I've won all sorts of awards,
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370. but an Emmy from Earth,
that's the top, baby.
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371. This is yours?
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372. Yeah. I used to make
the show Audit Dogs.
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373. No shit.
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374. Yeah, I did lots of stuff on Earth.
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375. I'd dress up as different people
and do whatever I wanted.
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376. I was a senator, a yoga instructor.
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377. I had a bunch of sex.
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378. Oh, man,
sex feels so good down on Earth.
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379. - Not like here.
- Wow. Your story is incredible.
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380. I'd love to make it into a movie.
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381. - Really?
- Oh, yeah.
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382. And I think you should star.
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383. This is going to be huge,
and everyone in the universe
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384. is gonna know your name.
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385. Heavens to Betsy!
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386. Another thing for the movie
is that I had this human family...
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387. - And you didn't eat them?
- No, I loved them too much.
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388. I'd come home to them
and share everything I did that day.
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389. And the dad was this great guy
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390. who would think this movie thing
was so cool and...
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391. And...
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392. Roger
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393. Roger
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394. Our footprint is real
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395. They gave you an Emmy for this?
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396. Hey, he's stealing my ship!
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397. Oh, sweet! A human boy.
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398. I'm starving.
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399. And I'll save the bottom half for later.
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400. Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna eat it all now.
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401. - Roger!
- Stan!
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402. I got what I wanted,
a chance to leave a real footprint.
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403. But it felt empty and I realized
the real footprint
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404. is the one you leave on those you love.
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405. So you got the message
I put in the show for you?
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406. Oh, is that what you were trying to say?
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407. Anyway, I can't wait to get back
to work on Audit Dogs.
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408. We got canceled.
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409. Also, our entire writing staff
died in a freak rocket accident.
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410. Oh. That's too bad. I liked Finchy.
He smelled good.
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411. Where is everybody?
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412. Francine left a voicemail.
Said something about Jeff and a quest.
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413. This must be the hat thing.
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414. Really makes our problems seem small.
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415. Our plan is working purr-fectly.
Copy !req
416. Without his hat, Jeff'll lose his mind
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417. and Hayley will have no choice
but to leave him.
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418. Then she'll be single
and we can ask her out.
Copy !req
419. 'Zooka Sharks!
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420. Is the bathroom...
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421. Hey, is that my hat?
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422. Thanks, dude.
Copy !req
423. Hey, guys. The quest is done, man.
Copy !req