American Dad! 20x18

1. Previously on American Dad...

2. Babe, where's my hat?

3. Wait! This isn't my hat.

4. I'm lost without my hat.

5. Don't shut me out, Jeff.

6. Our new life begins today.

7. Welcome to Lids. I'm Parker. What can I help you find today?

8. That's right. Tonight, your questions are finally answered.

9. Tonight, you find out what happened with Jeff's hat.

10. This episode takes place right after that episode where Jeff lost his hat,

11. and before he gets it back.

12. He doesn't buy that one.

13. Good morning, USA

14. I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day

15. The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face

16. And he's shining a salute To the American race

17. Oh, boy, it's swell to say

18. Good morning, USA

19. Ah!

20. Good morning, USA

21. Check it out. I found my old high school yearbook.

22. Wait. You're from a different planet,

23. but you went to high school and had a yearbook?

24. Captain of the JV lacrosse team two years in a row.

25. This has taken me back.

26. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, wow.

27. Oh, my God!

28. - Wow. Wow! - Oh, my God.

29. - "Wow," what? - Nothing. Just reminiscing.

30. He wanted me to ask! I know you wanted me to ask.

31. My senior portrait.

32. "Live fast and leave a dope-ass footprint."

33. Is that your senior quote?

34. Great long-distance reading, Mom.

35. Yeah, I put that in there to always remind me

36. why I didn't just take a job working at my Uncle Rizbo's space gas station.

37. They really call it a space gas station?

38. What would you call a place that sells space gas?

39. Uncle R wanted me bad,

40. but I thought I was destined for greater things.

41. I don't know. I thought I was going to make a mark,

42. but when I think about it, what have I actually done?

43. What are you talking about?

44. You've been a senator, a wedding planner.

45. - You were essentially a cop. - That's essentially true.

46. Your footprint is crazy dope, bro.

47. But I didn't do those things, my personas did.

48. If the losers from my high school try to look me up, they won't find Roger,

49. they'll find Reaganomics Lamborghini, or Twill Ongenbone, or Ricky Spanish.

50. Doesn't someone usually... Sorry, I was ripping a clove.

51. Ricky Spanish.

52. I know exactly how you feel, Roger.

53. Everything I've done for the CIA? Completely anonymous.

54. I skinned a warlord alive, but you won't read about that in the papers.

55. Do you want people to read about that?

56. Oh, my God, none of you understand me.

57. I do, Stan! This started out as my thing.

58. - Remember? - Oh, yeah.

59. Come on, Roger. Let's eat somewhere else.

60. This lady always gets my order wrong anyway.

61. It's Hayley. She says Jeff needs us.

62. - Is this the hat thing? - Bet your ass it is.

63. Let's roll.

64. Roger, where are we?

65. Bruncha Nonsense, Langley's hottest party brunch spot.

66. And we're here because they have bottomless mimosas.

67. And if we're gonna figure out how to leave a footprint behind,

68. we're gonna need drinks.

69. Oh, shit! The drag show is starting. Don't make eye contact.

70. Stop me if I try to top them and embarrass myself by doing the splits,

71. which I'm not even good at because of my little meatball legs.

72. Just make today about me for once!

73. Hayley! We came as soon as we could.

74. - What's the status? - Zero progress.

75. Jeff's been staring at these hats for six hours.

76. - Oh, the poor thing. - You can do this, buddy.

77. Ask for a fedora.

78. What's happening here?

79. He's trying to pick a new hat.

80. Oh, wow. Huge.

81. Yeah, sorry, I'm not coming.

82. Let me know if we have a boy or a girl. Love you. Bye!

83. Okay, if we want to leave a big footprint,

84. we need a big idea.

85. Oh! What if we get the city council

86. to turn that abandoned lot by the mall into a park for kids?

87. Yes, and maybe at night it can be for drug addicts.

88. Sure, and we can put our names on it.

89. Stan and Roger Park.

90. Amazing. Except... Except it sounds hard.

91. Is there anything easier?

92. Easier would be easier.

93. You know what all these mimosas make me want to do?

94. Go to a taping of Morning Mimosa.

95. Oh, you think we're drunk enough?

96. They ask that you be pretty drunk.

97. I told you we were drunk enough.

98. We're not as drunk as Trish.

99. Stan, I thought of a footprint idea.

100. What's the one thing I can do that everyone will remember?

101. Win the Stanley Cup?

102. Reveal myself as an alien!

103. Perfect.

104. But what about the CIA?

105. They'll arrest you and use you for esper-I-mints.

106. Yeah. I forget they're after me sometimes.

107. Me too. I go through long stretches where I don't even think about it.

108. You know what's crazy? I see Bullock all the time.

109. I have a persona that plays poker with him,

110. one that is on a bowling team with him.

111. We've been on nine different Hinge dates.

112. He always asks for a ride home so he can make a move in the car.

113. What a skeeze.

114. Good tactic though. Usually works on me.

115. Stan, I figured it out.

116. When I reveal myself, you catch me.

117. Then you tell everyone you killed me, and I go back in the attic.

118. Of course! You're Earth's first alien and I'd be the man who killed him!

119. Footprint City, USA!

120. Aye, aye, Captain.

121. Captain? Did you draw on my face again?

122. It's no use, it's permanent.

123. You gotta wait for the skin to die and flake off.

124. So, we've got a big idea, and now we need a big audience.

125. We need a TV show.

126. Yes, but how do we get one?

127. That's the easy part.

128. You ever heard of Brandon Tartikoff?

129. NBC President from 1981 to 1991? Rings a bell.

130. Legend has it that the idea for Miami Vice

131. came from Brandon writing "MTV cops" on a cocktail napkin.

132. - Is that true? - Probably not.

133. Even so, all we have to do is put the right combination of words

134. on a napkin, and we'll be in television heaven.

135. Excuse me.

136. I am a successful television executive,

137. and I believe that napkin is going to be a hit show.

138. - Can I buy it? - Deal.

139. Excellent. Nice to meet you. I'm Tony Vengeance.

140. Great name. Stan Smith. And this is...

141. You're gonna like this, he's usually got great names.

142. Stan Matthews.

143. - Really? - Stan One and Stan Two, love it.

144. I'll see you Stans in Hollywood,

145. where you'll make so much money you could buy a real eye patch.

146. And you can buy a nose.

147. A real nose? I can almost smell it.

148. Footprint City, here we come.

149. Stan Matthews?

150. Yeah, Dave Matthews' brother.

151. - Oh, wow. - And that is why I don't lead with it.

152. Stan Matthews likes to make his own way in the world.

153. There are 1,500 IRS agents in the state of Virginia.

154. These are their stories.

155. - Everyone pays taxes, dirtbag. - Easy.

156. He's rich. The rules don't apply.

157. He's shooting at us!

158. Good. The windshield is a write-off.

159. I know this guy is lying on his taxes, I just don't know how.

160. The numbers. The answer is always the numbers!

161. Got him.

162. What does this guy want?

163. Revenge. I busted him for claiming a boa constrictor as a dependent.

164. That snake!

165. Ma'am, I'm afraid I have bad news.

166. I don't know, partner.

167. Sometimes it feels like all we do is look for write-offs.

168. What we should be doing is looking for right-ons.

169. You're killing it, Stans!

170. Twelve episodes aired, and an Emmy for Best New Show!

171. The network is so pleased that they've decided

172. to air the finale after the Super Bowl!

173. After the Super Bowl?

174. Not only that, but we're gonna do the episode live!

175. Well, I'll leave you two to your creative process.

176. Heavens to Betsy! Our plan is working, Stan.

177. Oh, I got you something to commemorate the footprint

178. we're gonna make when we drop the A-bomb.

179. Do you mean "alien bomb"?

180. Exactly.

181. And the finale is the perfect place to drop it.

182. Yeah, totally, totally.

183. Doesn't want to open his gift.

184. That's fine. Friendship is best celebrated alone, I guess.

185. Unless he thinks it's for Christmas!

186. Listen up, gang.

187. The network just told me our finale

188. is going to air live after the Super Bowl.

189. - I need ideas. - Ideas?

190. Aren't we locked in with the A-bomb?

191. Maybe, but let's keep it open until the staff has a chance to weigh in.

192. Maybe we do an episode shot entirely from the perspective of a tax return.

193. And like, half the episode is just hearing voices from inside an envelope?

194. That's good, Finchy.

195. Stan, I don't... I don't think that works with the thing.

196. - What thing? - The big reveal?

197. - The big alien reveal? - The big alien reveal?

198. Are we tackling the tax ramifications of illegal immigration?

199. No. Can I talk to you outside?

200. Write that down, Andrew. For next season.

201. I'm not afraid to tell the truth.

202. Look, Roger, I know the original idea was the whole alien thing,

203. but I really feel like that's not the story we're telling anymore.

204. - That's the only story! - Totally.

205. We've got that in our back pocket, for sure.

206. But I've been thinking.

207. What if Audit Dogs is our footprint?

208. Why do sci-fi alien stuff when we can say something real?

209. It's not sci-fi, Stan. It's my life.

210. If it has aliens, it's sci-fi, even if it's real.

211. Why would we pivot when we're just scratching the surface

212. of the racist origins of the Virginia tax code?

213. Come on, Roger. We won an Emmy.

214. I didn't! Stan Matthews did,

215. and that's the worst persona name I've ever come up with.

216. You added "esquire." That's pretty funny.

217. Yeah, well, Roger still needs to make his footprint somehow.

218. And I'm gonna do something about it.

219. Babe, you can do this.

220. Parker's trying to help you.

221. You gotta sack up and trust him.

222. He put us all in great hats.

223. He can do that for you.

224. What is happening here?

225. He's trying to pick a new hat.

226. Did he try that blue one?

227. He did. No-go.

228. Is that a talking fish?

229. Welcome back.

230. We're very excited to bring on our next guests,

231. the creators and stars of Audit Dogs, Stan Smith and Stan Matthews!

232. Welcome, Stans.

233. Now, your show is very good.

234. - Thank you. - But you're not here to talk about that.

235. Stan Two, we're told you have something shocking to share.

236. No, don't do this.

237. Trish and Suze, I am not Stan Matthews.

238. I'm not even a man.

239. - I'm... - A dog.

240. - No. I'm... - Two dogs?

241. Hold that thought. I'm being told by our producers

242. that we're being pre-empted by the news!

243. Ew.

244. Memphis Stormfront here with breaking news.

245. Mankind has made contact with extraterrestrial life.

246. An alien spacecraft has landed in Langley Falls.

247. - What the... - I knew you'd try something like this.

248. This is you?

249. We bring you there live.

250. As he descends from his ship, I wonder why he's chosen

251. our insignificant rock, Earth.

252. What wisdom hath he come to share?

253. Oh, well, probably for the best. He looked weird.

254. This will surely be the first of many aliens to visit Earth,

255. but who will care or remember the next one?

256. Now, back to Morning Mimosa,

257. where I understand Trish is interviewing a dog, or possibly two.

258. Another alien?

259. Are you shitting me right now?

260. I knew you were gonna harp on this.

261. Because being the first alien here was my last shot at leaving a footprint.

262. And you took that away from me, for your precious show.

263. Goodbye forever, Stan.

264. I'm packing my things and leaving Earth!

265. This is a mistake!

266. We're making The Wire, but good!

267. Jiminy Weasel, is that a weal wocket?

268. That's a model, kid.

269. Yeah, sure, buddy.

270. knew it was a real rocket.

271. Goodbye, Earth.

272. You may not remember me, but I'll never forget you.

273. Sorry, kid, didn't realize there was anyone else on here.

274. Don't freak out, but I'm an alien.

275. Well, then, don't you have your own spaceship?

276. Ah, crap. It was a really good one, too.

277. I'm real happy to finally have you working for me, Roger.

278. I think this is gonna be great.

279. Me too, Uncle Rizbo.

280. I was obsessed with making a massive footprint on the universe,

281. but now I realize I'll be perfectly happy

282. making a smaller, yet equally important footprint

283. at this dingy gas station with basically zero customers.

284. I do have one question, though.

285. How do you keep from killing yourself?

286. My advice is to just take it one space day at a time.

287. You know what?

288. Maybe I can do that.

289. Which is 17 million Earth years.

290. Well, I'll leave you to it.

291. But two questions.

292. Is that a human? And can I eat him?

293. Ooh! I'm a hot commodity up here.

294. Okay, Stan Two is gone and we need to recast.

295. I'm thinking either a super-hot lady or Bobby Moynihan,

296. but I'm open to ideas.

297. What if your new partner is a talking helicopter?

298. How would I hear it talk over the rotors?

299. Subtitles?

300. Don't take this the wrong way, but you have bad ideas.

301. Where did the good ideas come from?

302. Where did this present come from?

303. "Dear Stan, thank you for making a footprint with me."

304. "When I gazed down at the beach,

305. "there was only one pair of footprints, when there should've been two..."

306. There should have been two.

307. I have to rewrite the finale.

308. Can we go home?

309. No. I need to get a copy of the finale to space.

310. Which means I need you all to build me a rocket ship.

311. How are we supposed to do that?

312. You're television writers, the smartest people in the world.

313. Figure it out.

314. There's only one hat left. This has got to be it.

315. Oh, this one's fabulous.

316. If he doesn't want it, I'm buying it.

317. No, none of these hats will do!

318. But there are no more hats.

319. Yes, there is.

320. But only one hat can make me whole.

321. I know what I must do.

322. I must go on a quest.

323. A quest to find my actual hat.

324. A quest? I'm in.

325. But Mr. Klaus, it could be dangerous.

326. Really? Why?

327. Who cares about danger?

328. My babe needs his hat.

329. Stan One, I read the new finale.

330. Pretty great, right?

331. Oh, yeah, very great.

332. The greatest. The best greatest.

333. One sort of macro note... It's terrible.

334. ly great?

335. Usually, the show has a ton of action, but this is just two characters

336. talking about footprints in a diner.

337. Everyone keeps talking about someone named Roger.

338. - Who is that? Who the is Roger? - My best friend.

339. If you do this episode, your audience is going to be very confused.

340. It could ruin the show.

341. There are things I'm trying to say to our audience and to Roger.

342. Your best friend, Roger?

343. Yes. If losing the show is the price of getting my friend back, I'll pay it.

344. Okay. You are the writer.

345. I am just a humble television executive here to support your vision,

346. no matter what. I do have six pages of notes.

347. It's just stream-of-consciousness

348. descriptions of what I think unicorns are up to in real life.

349. Take it or leave it.

350. How are you watching Audit Dogs?

351. We get Earth television up here, just like in Contact.

352. - You ever see that movie? - No.

353. So you're just another fraud at Space Camp.

354. I thought being Audit Dogs was our legacy.

355. No, we're not Audit Dogs.

356. We're Stan and Roger.

357. And when you left, I remembered all the things we've done.

358. I realized there was a hole in my heart

359. where your foot had been, because the footprints that matter

360. are the ones you leave on your loved ones,

361. and you've left a Shaquille O'Neal-sized footprint on my heart.

362. This show sucks now.

363. Stan always talked about having something to say.

364. Was that it?

365. Yo, can I get a bathroom key?

366. Is this an Emmy? From Earth?

367. Yeah. How do you know that?

368. I'm a major intergalactic movie producer.

369. I've won all sorts of awards,

370. but an Emmy from Earth, that's the top, baby.

371. This is yours?

372. Yeah. I used to make the show Audit Dogs.

373. No shit.

374. Yeah, I did lots of stuff on Earth.

375. I'd dress up as different people and do whatever I wanted.

376. I was a senator, a yoga instructor.

377. I had a bunch of sex.

378. Oh, man, sex feels so good down on Earth.

379. - Not like here. - Wow. Your story is incredible.

380. I'd love to make it into a movie.

381. - Really? - Oh, yeah.

382. And I think you should star.

383. This is going to be huge, and everyone in the universe

384. is gonna know your name.

385. Heavens to Betsy!

386. Another thing for the movie is that I had this human family...

387. - And you didn't eat them? - No, I loved them too much.

388. I'd come home to them and share everything I did that day.

389. And the dad was this great guy

390. who would think this movie thing was so cool and...

391. And...

392. Roger

393. Roger

394. Our footprint is real

395. They gave you an Emmy for this?

396. Hey, he's stealing my ship!

397. Oh, sweet! A human boy.

398. I'm starving.

399. And I'll save the bottom half for later.

400. Who am I kidding? I'm gonna eat it all now.

401. - Roger! - Stan!

402. I got what I wanted, a chance to leave a real footprint.

403. But it felt empty and I realized the real footprint

404. is the one you leave on those you love.

405. So you got the message I put in the show for you?

406. Oh, is that what you were trying to say?

407. Anyway, I can't wait to get back to work on Audit Dogs.

408. We got canceled.

409. Also, our entire writing staff died in a freak rocket accident.

410. Oh. That's too bad. I liked Finchy. He smelled good.

411. Where is everybody?

412. Francine left a voicemail. Said something about Jeff and a quest.

413. This must be the hat thing.

414. Really makes our problems seem small.

415. Our plan is working purr-fectly.

416. Without his hat, Jeff'll lose his mind

417. and Hayley will have no choice but to leave him.

418. Then she'll be single and we can ask her out.

419. 'Zooka Sharks!

420. Is the bathroom...

421. Hey, is that my hat?

422. Thanks, dude.

423. Hey, guys. The quest is done, man.