1. Oh! The Smiths are back
from their trip in 20 minutes.Copy !req
2. Plenty of time for finishing touches.Copy !req
3. I can't wait till they see this.Copy !req
4. - You're back!
- From hell.Copy !req
5. Our trip to Gettysburg sucked.Copy !req
6. I mean, I love war,
but mix it up a little.Copy !req
7. Give me a beach
or a pumpkin patch, something.Copy !req
8. And the place was a dump,
littered with cannons.Copy !req
9. - The wind was relentless.
- Not a single coconut.Copy !req
10. You couldn't get a piña colada anywhere.Copy !req
11. Took us forever to get there.Copy !req
12. Why couldn't they fight
their war closer to the highway?Copy !req
13. I thought Gettysburg would be relaxing,
but they just bombard youCopy !req
14. with all these facts
about things that happened.Copy !req
15. You know, I was half expecting you
to screw up the houseCopy !req
16. in fourscore and seven ways,
but it looks great.Copy !req
17. And roses, my favorite old lady smell.Copy !req
18. I'm so happy you like it.Copy !req
19. Wait.Copy !req
20. Is this a different frame?Copy !req
21. Ah, yes, well, Jurgen was over.Copy !req
22. He bumped into the old one,
and it broke.Copy !req
23. - He what?
- Not the frame!Copy !req
24. So you just replaced it
and didn't say anything?Copy !req
25. But it was just the cheap cardboard one
they gave you with the photo.Copy !req
26. So I bought you a new one.Copy !req
27. A nicer one from World Market.Copy !req
28. Nice is your style, not our style.Copy !req
29. But the photograph is fine,
and that's what's important, right?Copy !req
30. The photo is nothing.Copy !req
31. It was the frame
that held all our memories.Copy !req
32. Remember the bloodstains on it
from when Dad challengedCopy !req
33. the hula dancer to five finger filet?Copy !req
34. Aw.Copy !req
35. We trusted you with our bloody,
mass-produced cardboard frame,Copy !req
36. and you replace it
with something artisan?Copy !req
37. Do you know what they would do
to someone like you in the Civil War?Copy !req
38. I don't recall because I was
enjoying Jägermeister in the carCopy !req
39. during the corporal
punishment reenactment.Copy !req
40. But I'm guessing it was unpleasant.Copy !req
41. Good morning, USACopy !req
42. I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful dayCopy !req
43. The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his faceCopy !req
44. And he's shining a salute
To the American raceCopy !req
45. Oh, boy, it's swell to sayCopy !req
46. Good morning, USA
Ah!Copy !req
47. Good morning, USACopy !req
48. Wow! We truly live in windy times.Copy !req
49. Are you all really still upset
about the family photo?Copy !req
50. - Family photo?
- The frame!Copy !req
51. Oh, God, the frame.Copy !req
52. - Yes. I feel sick.
- We all do.Copy !req
53. I wish we could go on a good trip now
to forget about the frame.Copy !req
54. I can't. I've used all my PTO days.Copy !req
55. You don't get unlimited PTO?Copy !req
56. Where do you work? A gulag?Copy !req
57. That's low-key messed up, Mr. S.Copy !req
58. I'm gonna figure out
how to get us a do-over vacation.Copy !req
59. Here's what I'm thinking.Copy !req
60. Spirit Airlines, 4:00 a.m. flight.
Christmas Eve.Copy !req
61. Destination, North Korea.Copy !req
62. Over the last three months,
windstorms around the globeCopy !req
63. have been growing
in frequency and magnitude.Copy !req
64. So, I brought in an expert.Copy !req
65. Gust Breezer, wind theorist.Copy !req
66. Oh! So this is how
he's getting us a vacation.Copy !req
67. Sorry, Stan, did you say something?Copy !req
68. Oh, no, it's nothing.Copy !req
69. You've been looking
to science for answers,Copy !req
70. but science can't explain wind.Copy !req
71. We need to look instead to history,Copy !req
72. the opposite of science.Copy !req
73. The Mayans, the Babylonians,Copy !req
74. all ancient cultures had myths
to explain the source of the wind,Copy !req
75. all of them easily debunked
by the granddaddy of them all.Copy !req
76. The Sumerian idea,Copy !req
77. there's a giant in the ocean
that controls the wind.Copy !req
78. Pff! This whack job
calls himself a wind theorist?Copy !req
79. This is not how we treat
a guest speaker.Copy !req
80. Dick, I'd fire you for disrespecting
this totally legitimate theory,Copy !req
81. but I'm pretty sure I report to you.Copy !req
82. - Do I?
- Come on, sir.Copy !req
83. A giant in the ocean?Copy !req
84. What has your civilization done
to solve the wind mystery, hmm?Copy !req
85. Tell me. Can't?Copy !req
86. Then get out!Copy !req
87. Smith had the right idea. You're fired.Copy !req
88. It was an honor working for you.Copy !req
89. If I did. Best damn boss I ever had.Copy !req
90. If you were.Copy !req
91. I'm sorry, Dr. Breezer.Copy !req
92. He's not a reflection of this agency.Copy !req
93. The CIA respects
both science and fantasy.Copy !req
94. Please, you spoke of a giant.Copy !req
95. What's its name?Copy !req
96. The Sumerians consider the giant's nameCopy !req
97. too sacred to speak,
but it. I'll just say it.Copy !req
98. It's Tall Jeremy.Copy !req
99. We must sail across the ocean
and convince him to stop blowing.Copy !req
100. I'd like to volunteer.Copy !req
101. Good man, Smith. Take the CIA yacht.Copy !req
102. I'm sorry. It'll be a long, slow journeyCopy !req
103. because we stocked it
with so much food and booze.Copy !req
104. Can I bring my family along?Copy !req
105. Why?Copy !req
106. Um, because Tall Jeremy
loves marital sex.Copy !req
107. - Dr. Breezer?
- It's not his favorite type of sex,Copy !req
108. but I say let's hit him
with all we've got.Copy !req
109. Why are all these people outside?Copy !req
110. We're going on another trip and hiring
someone to help out while we're gone.Copy !req
111. You're hiring a house sitter?
But that's my job.Copy !req
112. Not just a house sitter.Copy !req
113. They gotta keep an eye
on your frame-breaking ass as well.Copy !req
114. There's only one thing
that could go wrong with this house,Copy !req
115. and that's you.Copy !req
116. Whoa.Copy !req
117. Is it a witch?Copy !req
118. No. Witches have brooms.Copy !req
119. I think it's... a Dick.Copy !req
120. Shut up! It's Dick, my old boss.Copy !req
121. Ever since I got fired,
I've been spiraling.Copy !req
122. - In a fun way?
- Afraid not.Copy !req
123. I lost my apartment, my savings,
and I'm living in my car.Copy !req
124. - How? It's been one day.
- All that was kinda going on before.Copy !req
125. But now I don't have a job either.Copy !req
126. I saw the sign out front.
Are you guys hiring?Copy !req
127. Yes. We need someone to watch the house.Copy !req
128. But more importantly,
what do you know about pet sitting?Copy !req
129. A pet sitter should be kind
Handsome, with no wartsCopy !req
130. Always on time
Good with animals, no wartsCopy !req
131. He is really emphasizing no warts.
It's making me think he has warts.Copy !req
132. I love where you're going with the song,
but we should probably explain.Copy !req
133. This isn't your typical pet-sitting job.Copy !req
134. We're looking for a candidate
To keep their eyes on KlausCopy !req
135. This guy is patheticCopy !req
136. We can't trust him with our houseCopy !req
137. We need someone who's vigilantCopy !req
138. Make sure he stays in lineCopy !req
139. I've always been the one in chargeCopy !req
140. The house has been just fineCopy !req
141. Don't let him order Instacart
He'll leave you with the feeCopy !req
142. He'll sneak right into Steve's room
And read his diaryCopy !req
143. It's a blog.Copy !req
144. No, we can't trust the fish
With our thingsCopy !req
145. Can't trust me?Copy !req
146. This house would be a hovel without me.Copy !req
147. Without me who would Swiffer?
Who'd spray the yard for ticks?Copy !req
148. I'm the one who keeps the houseCopy !req
149. Don't need no help from DickCopy !req
150. I think that my experience
Makes me the perfect fitCopy !req
151. I'll never take my eyes off himCopy !req
152. I'll watch him while I shitCopy !req
153. Because we can't trust the fish
With our thingsCopy !req
154. No, we can't trust the fishCopy !req
155. With our thingsCopy !req
156. Well, our song is over and all the other
candidates were blown away by the wind.Copy !req
157. You're hired, Dick.Copy !req
158. Here are the instructions on Klaus.Copy !req
159. - Don't deviate.
- Don't put Dick in charge.Copy !req
160. Please give me a chance
to regain your trust.Copy !req
161. - Please!
- Klaus, we just sang a whole song.Copy !req
162. When have you ever known
this family to change courseCopy !req
163. after singing a song?Copy !req
164. Ooh!Copy !req
165. Missed a spot.Copy !req
166. So, Klaus, tell me about yourself.Copy !req
167. What's your favorite season?Copy !req
168. Oh, I can't talk.Copy !req
169. I'm just your run-of-the-mill
dumb-ass goldfishCopy !req
170. who doesn't even have a human brain
and needs a pet sitter.Copy !req
171. - Listen, this wasn't my...
- Bah-bah-bah!Copy !req
172. I can't hear you. Bah-bah-bah.Copy !req
173. You are so stupid.
What are you even doing?Copy !req
174. Having my mail forwarded
to this address.Copy !req
175. It's just easier,
since I'm gonna be here a few weeks.Copy !req
176. Weeks?Copy !req
177. Let's take a look at the rules.Copy !req
178. Says here you're not allowed
to touch the burners.Copy !req
179. What? Let me see that.
I touch them to my liking.Copy !req
180. - "Feed it twice a day."
- "It"?Copy !req
181. Uh, "Limit meals to breakfast
and two shakes of fish flakes at night."Copy !req
182. "Two shakes"?Copy !req
183. I eat a whole rotisserie chicken
every day.Copy !req
184. Wow, they don't treat you well.Copy !req
185. No wonder you're pissed at them.Copy !req
186. You know what? Forget the rules.Copy !req
187. Wanna get some food?
How do you feel about Wow Cow?Copy !req
188. I... really like Wow Cow.Copy !req
189. I've seen how the family belittles you.
They treat you like an outsider.Copy !req
190. You know, my ex-wife
used to make me feel like an outsiderCopy !req
191. even when I was inside her.Copy !req
192. That's sad.Copy !req
193. And then she left me.Copy !req
194. Your wife left you?Copy !req
195. My wife left me too,
for an entire bobsled team.Copy !req
196. Since then, I've been
desperate for connection.Copy !req
197. - I'd do anything to fit in.
- Anything to fit in.Copy !req
198. You're pathetic
the same way I'm pathetic.Copy !req
199. Klaus, you and I are two fish
in the same school.Copy !req
200. You make me feel understood, Dick.Copy !req
201. A sensitive soul in a cruel world.Copy !req
202. Hey, can I get that spoon
I asked for?Copy !req
203. Eh. I shouldn't be hard on her.Copy !req
204. We are definitely leaving
without paying.Copy !req
205. Who knew all we needed
was a fully-staffed yachtCopy !req
206. with a 60-foot water slide
and a jazz quartetCopy !req
207. to feel like ourselves again?Copy !req
208. Gotta give it to Roger
for hooking it up.Copy !req
209. Hey, where is Roger?Copy !req
210. Hey, fam, I have great news.Copy !req
211. I just scored in a trade.Copy !req
212. Robbed these Somalian pirates blind.Copy !req
213. - Wait. What?
- For our yacht,Copy !req
214. I got this incredible oar boat,Copy !req
215. a gift certificate for Sam Goody
and a whole herd of cattleCopy !req
216. that we have to pick up
in the Galapagos later.Copy !req
217. - You traded the yacht?
- Are you insane?Copy !req
218. We have to be reasonable.
The yacht is too big, it's too heavy.Copy !req
219. We've got to travel light and skippy
if we want to find the giant.Copy !req
220. Whoa, wait.
We're actually looking for a giant?Copy !req
221. - That's a myth.
- A myth you made up.Copy !req
222. Exactly. So if it's not a real myth,
it must be true.Copy !req
223. Sorry, gang.
He's actually right about that.Copy !req
224. I don't care.Copy !req
225. I'm entitled to a good vacation,Copy !req
226. and I'm not leaving this yacht
for anything.Copy !req
227. This is gonna be great.Copy !req
228. You're gonna lose so much weight rowing,Copy !req
229. and then you're gonna
gain it all back eating cattle.Copy !req
230. We won't breed or milk them.Copy !req
231. We're just gonna eat 'em all.Copy !req
232. I've had the best time
with you today, Dick.Copy !req
233. We've hit up all my favorite spots.Copy !req
234. Wow Cow,
the mechanical horse outside CVS,Copy !req
235. and now the Hallmark store?Copy !req
236. Glad you're having fun.Copy !req
237. I gotta mail this "Props On
Your New Gig, Slick" card to myself.Copy !req
238. - Be right back.
- No problem.Copy !req
239. - Psst! Klaus.
- Lewis?Copy !req
240. - How do you know that guy you're with?
- You mean Dick?Copy !req
241. - He's staying with me.
- Dick is staying in your house?Copy !req
242. Get him out before it's too late.Copy !req
243. Dick's a squatter.Copy !req
244. No way. Dick's my bro.Copy !req
245. Listen, a few months back, I hired Dick
to watch my pet boa constrictor,Copy !req
246. T'Challa, while I was on vacation.Copy !req
247. Has Dick gotten any mail to your house?Copy !req
248. Not yet, but he did forward his mail.Copy !req
249. Why do you ask?Copy !req
250. Once he establishes residency
with the post officeCopy !req
251. and stays for at least a month,
you can't get him out!Copy !req
252. He tried to do that to me,
but luckily I had to cut my tripCopy !req
253. to Hedonism II short due to a condition
clinically known as gonorrhea mania.Copy !req
254. You mean Dick's going
to steal our house?Copy !req
255. You still have time to stop him.Copy !req
256. Oh, damn, I've got a job interview
at Orange Julius.Copy !req
257. I'm putting you down as a reference.Copy !req
258. Ready to go?Copy !req
259. No. I just had a very disturbing
run-in with Principal Lewis.Copy !req
260. He told me everything.Copy !req
261. Lewis? Who is Lewis?Copy !req
262. Shut up. I know you're a squatter
and you're trying to take our house.Copy !req
263. Maybe I am.Copy !req
264. But come on, it's obvious
from the family's rulesCopy !req
265. that they don't even care about you.Copy !req
266. They call you "it"
and you're gonna help them?Copy !req
267. No, I'm gonna help you.Copy !req
268. I want in.Copy !req
269. Faster! Faster! We need to hustle
if we're gonna find the giant.Copy !req
270. Dad! This is getting
almost as bad as Gettysburg.Copy !req
271. Screw this. I'm making a call.Copy !req
272. We can't hover any longer.
We gotta turn back.Copy !req
273. Roger, last chance. Get on the chopper.Copy !req
274. Can't. I gotta find that giant!Copy !req
275. The giant's not real, you fool.Copy !req
276. - That's what they said about Atlantis.
- And they were right.Copy !req
277. Sorry? What was that last thing?Copy !req
278. Ugh. Nothing like being at sea
for a month to make my scurvy flare up.Copy !req
279. Odd. My key doesn't work.Copy !req
280. Dick. Dick, can you give me a hand?
My key isn't working.Copy !req
281. I can't let you in, Stan.Copy !req
282. Oh, no. Did Klaus screw up
the door from the inside?Copy !req
283. This isn't your house anymore.Copy !req
284. It's ours.Copy !req
285. Since you abandoned it
and took to the open sea for a month,Copy !req
286. Dick and I established residency
and took ownership.Copy !req
287. Maritime laws. Look it up.Copy !req
288. I will not.Copy !req
289. Why are you doing this, Dick?Copy !req
290. - It's gonna be awkward at work.
- You got me fired!Copy !req
291. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
292. Forget that. This is my house,
and I'm getting inCopy !req
293. with a little help from my friends,
B and E.Copy !req
294. Oh, man, I think
I made it harder for us.Copy !req
295. Thank God, the pigs.Copy !req
296. They're here for you.Copy !req
297. But it's my house.Copy !req
298. Not according to maritime law, it isn't.Copy !req
299. - What if I shoot them?
- I mean, it would still be their house.Copy !req
300. He's not gonna shoot you
but you can shoot him,Copy !req
301. since he's trespassing on your property.Copy !req
302. Fair enough.Copy !req
303. Those bastards.Copy !req
304. Not the cops. It was super cool of them
to take my $10,000 bribe.Copy !req
305. That was your bail, Dad.
This isn't over for you.Copy !req
306. Well, then screw them
and Dick and Klaus.Copy !req
307. How can we get the house back?
Take them to court?Copy !req
308. And read all that sea law? No, thanks.Copy !req
309. Maybe we just have to face it.Copy !req
310. Klaus screwed us over
for good this time.Copy !req
311. We can't let Klaus win.Copy !req
312. Hey, Steve, you got any thoughts?Copy !req
313. Yeah.Copy !req
314. Was the Candy Land Airbnb
the only one available or...Copy !req
315. No, there was also a house
with all-beige carpeting.Copy !req
316. Would you have liked me
following you around all day?Copy !req
317. "Don't spill, don't spill."Copy !req
318. New rule, Klaus. There are no rules.Copy !req
319. Yeah, F that thing.Copy !req
320. I love being a homeowner.Copy !req
321. I don't think we should
take down the family photo.Copy !req
322. Why not? You don't still care
about these jerks, do you?Copy !req
323. No way.Copy !req
324. I'm just afraid your naked body doesn't
match the color scheme of the room.Copy !req
325. You're afraid of that?Copy !req
326. I'm not afraid of anything.Copy !req
327. Well, except g-g-g-ghosts.Copy !req
328. Look, I'm just gonna say it.Copy !req
329. The hula skirts
are cultural appropriation.Copy !req
330. "Stick to the rules,Copy !req
331. "but don't forget
to have some fun with KlausCopy !req
332. "from time to time.Copy !req
333. "He loves Wow Cow and superhero movies.Copy !req
334. "He goes nuts
for the mechanical horse at CVS."Copy !req
335. Oh, that horse is so badass.Copy !req
336. "Try to watch stuff
with him downstairsCopy !req
337. so he doesn't get lonely at night.Copy !req
338. "The downstairs TV sucks,Copy !req
339. "so don't watch cool stuff like Avatar
and Westworld on it.Copy !req
340. "But it's fine for Impractical Jokers,
which is all Klaus watches anyway."Copy !req
341. Wow.Copy !req
342. They really know me.Copy !req
343. Hey, Dick didn't tell me the nice stuff
they said.Copy !req
344. That snaky bitch.Copy !req
345. Wait. Was that tiger originally
Tommy Lee Jones?Copy !req
346. Tall Jeremy, my man.Copy !req
347. Thanks for rescuing me.Copy !req
348. You don't look so good.Copy !req
349. I'm sick.Copy !req
350. Ah... Ah...Copy !req
351. Ah-choo!Copy !req
352. Oh! That's what's causing all the wind.Copy !req
353. Pff. I don't know.Copy !req
354. Oh!Copy !req
355. Aw. Soup's too hot to eat.Copy !req
356. I hate being sick.Copy !req
357. Hang in there, buckaroo.
You'll feel better soon.Copy !req
358. In the meantime,
could you maybe eat cold soup?Copy !req
359. The blowing is really doing
a number on our coastal cities.Copy !req
360. Cold soup?Copy !req
361. Nah, I'll just go back to eating people.Copy !req
362. That works.Copy !req
363. You can tell I'm not a people, right?Copy !req
364. Of course, can't everybody?Copy !req
365. Great. So eat people,Copy !req
366. cover your mouth with that squid
when you sneeze,Copy !req
367. and can you throw me
about 1,000 miles that way?Copy !req
368. No problemo.Copy !req
369. Gracias, amigo!Copy !req
370. You were right.
I have to get rid of Dick.Copy !req
371. But it's too late.
He already has squatter's rights.Copy !req
372. There must be some way
to get him out of the house.Copy !req
373. - Maybe you could scare him out.
- How?Copy !req
374. He's not afraid of anything.Copy !req
375. He went to that trampoline park,
and he barely even lookedCopy !req
376. at the waiver before signing it.Copy !req
377. Oh! And he uses
the bathroom at the beach.Copy !req
378. He's fearless.Copy !req
379. Oh, no, he's not.Copy !req
380. - H-Hello?
- Dick.Copy !req
381. I've come for you.Copy !req
382. A ghost?Copy !req
383. Are you the spirit of the old woman
whose condo I stole?Copy !req
384. No, I'm a generic ghost.Copy !req
385. Oh, that was fast.Copy !req
386. We didn't even get to do the bleeding
walls or the fake satanic ritual.Copy !req
387. Tuttle, you can come out now.Copy !req
388. It's already over?Copy !req
389. Yeah. Sorry, man.Copy !req
390. Is that what you think
a ghost looks like?Copy !req
391. Hey, this is Chris Pratt.
No, I'm just playing.Copy !req
392. - It's Stan. Leave a message after the...Copy !req
393. Oh, that was good, Stan.Copy !req
394. I needed that laugh.Copy !req
395. It's been rough lately,
stealing the house from you and all.Copy !req
396. Anyhoo, I've got a big surprise for you.Copy !req
397. Meet me at the house.Copy !req
398. You're gonna be thrilled.Copy !req
399. 'Kay, bye.Copy !req
400. Whew. Dick's gone,
and now I'm gonna get my family back.Copy !req
401. Well done, me.Copy !req
402. Oh!Copy !req
403. Woof! That could have
gotten out of hand.Copy !req
404. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
405. Shit.Copy !req
406. What the did you do?Copy !req
407. I got rid of Dick
and I saved the family photo.Copy !req
408. You burned down the house!Copy !req
409. Yes, but what I learned is,
it's not about the house.Copy !req
410. It's the people who make a home.Copy !req
411. - The carpenters?
- No.Copy !req
412. - The architect?
- No.Copy !req
413. Contractors?Copy !req
414. - No.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
415. Let me explain another way.Copy !req
416. It's like this photo.Copy !req
417. The house is the frame,
which isn't important.Copy !req
418. You get me? But you guys
are the people in the photo.Copy !req
419. No shit!Copy !req
420. The giant was real,
and he's got a hell of an arm.Copy !req
421. Damn, you gave Klaus a babysitter,
and he still burned down the house?Copy !req
422. Come on, Jeff. Let's do it in the ashes.Copy !req
423. Babe. You're such a little freak.Copy !req
424. Wow. That's got to be tough
to hear, Stan.Copy !req
425. Why is that?Copy !req
426. Should I be upset my daughter pulls ass?Copy !req