American Dad! 1x7

Directed by John Aoshima

James Patrick Stuart as Bartender / Mr. Perkins / Parishioner (voice) • Molly Shannon as Kristy (voice) • Josh Groban as Whiny Parishioner (voice)

Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Roger's "temporary problem," which Stan tries to use to his advantage, causes all sorts of problems for Steve, Betsy, the rest of the family, and eventually, Stan.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Stan, quit spying on the neighbors.

2. Today's the day, Francine.

3. Today I will finally beat that smug bastard Chuck White to church.

4. Look at him.

5. Zipping up his fly like he owns the place.

6. Well, today I get the shady parking spot.

7. All right, Chuck still needs a tie.

8. He's a double Windsor man, so we have a good two minutes to—

9. Good God! A clip-on! Go! Go! Go!

10. - Wait! My bra. - No time.

11. Just keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see 'em.

12. Stan, you just killed a pigeon.

13. No, I didn't.

14. Stan, slow down.

15. Is beating Chuck White so important

16. that you'd put your family's lives at risk?

17. Absolutely.

18. - You just ran through a crosswalk! - No, I didn't.

19. Hello, Mr. Perkins.

20. Spray him. Spray him a little.

21. That'll loosen him up.

22. Thank you.

23. Damn it! Every freakin' time!

24. Looks like you're parking in the sun again.

25. Francine, remember the agreement we made

26. that we could each do one person and it wouldn't count?

27. - Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon. - I've changed my mind.

28. I want my one free kill to be Chuck White.

29. Yours can still be George Clooney.

30. Clooney, you smug bastard.

31. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.

32. And so, in closing, remember Galatians 5:14.

33. "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

34. You know, people often ask me what that means.

35. Seriously. Can you believe it? Morons!

36. Anyway, the most important lesson

37. God wants you to learn is—

38. Whoop! Gotta go.

39. God is, uh, good. Devil's bad.

40. Deacon, you wanna slap a bow on this puppy?

41. Some parishioner announcements.

42. Stan Smith's daughter Hayley has made the dean's list

43. at Groff Community College.

44. That's nice. Congrats, Hayley. What could outshine that?

45. How about Chuck White's daughter Betsy qualifying

46. for the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team?

47. - How about that. - Jesus, Joseph and Mary Lou Retton.

48. Okay, I'll be taking the first communion this morning.

49. For maximum salvation, make sure you chew the host completely.

50. That's odd.

51. I can't believe the deacon choked to death.

52. Well, Terry always nagged him not to talk with his mouth full of savior.

53. I'm sorry. I nagged him?

54. - You nagged him repeatedly. - Oh, that's nice. That's real nice.

55. Well, then I guess we need a new deacon.

56. Hmph! Deacon— long hours, no pay, whiny churchgoers.

57. You'd have to be an idiot to volunteer for that position.

58. - I volunteer to be deacon. - Me too!

59. Great. Now we have to have an election next Sunday?

60. I guess I won't be fishing then either.

61. Oh, shut the hell up, Marty!

62. I need this trip more than you do.

63. Gary—

64. When I'm gone, I want you to ride my bicycle.

65. You're watching Delta Burke in a Lifetime original movie,

66. A Cyst for Amelia.

67. Why so sensitive all of a sudden?

68. I happen to be going through my reproductive cycle.

69. It's complicated. Here, I'll draw you a diagram.

70. Every six years, my "glaxons" shoot up into my "fompairs,"

71. causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus.

72. Ugh! Your insides sicken me.

73. I'll be in mein crapper.

74. I'm always in mein crapper.

75. Hello, goslings. How was church?

76. - Waste of time. - Love has a face.

77. Stan, what's the big deal?

78. The big deal is that Chuck White offered

79. to host the potluck wake while I was in the bathroom.

80. Damn my tiny girlish bladder.

81. If we don't bring the perfect dish,

82. I might as well withdraw from the deacon race now.

83. Oh, you don't care about being deacon.

84. You just want to beat Chuck White.

85. - Why do you hate him so much? - Look at his life, Francine.

86. He's got a bigger paycheck, a nicer house, a better wife, better kids—

87. - Stan, that's incredibly hurtful. - I know.

88. That's why I really want to shove it in his face this time.

89. Okay, if it means that much to you,

90. I guess we can bring chips and dip to the wake.

91. Chips and dip? I'll tell you what, Francine.

92. Why don't you just take this broom here?

93. I'll bend over and grab my ankles.

94. You lube up the handle real good,

95. and just sweep me out the door.

96. 'Cause that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon

97. if the best we can do is chips and dip.

98. - Oh, I can make potato salad. - Potato salad?

99. Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done.

100. That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

101. Oh, Cagney and Lacey—

102. you were so much more than thick ankles and careful police work.

103. - How's the potato salad? - Mm. Delicious.

104. You know what's even more delicious?

105. You have just eaten all of Francine's potato salad for the deacon's wake.

106. You set me up, Klaus.

107. Why would you do something so awful?

108. I'm German. It's what we do.

109. "Add chopped celery, four eggs."

110. Just need to add mayonnaise and—

111. Oh, God, we're out of mayo!

112. But if I don't make more potato salad, Stan's gonna rip my head off.

113. When he does, keep blinking your eyes as long as you can.

114. I have a theory to test.

115. Smiths— glad you made it.

116. Potato salad? Oh, that is just adorable.

117. Chuck, Christie. Nice house.

118. Smith, you live in a house. This is a manor.

119. So you better mind yours.

120. No.

121. Um, hi, Betsy. Steve Smith.

122. We were in the first grade together,

123. before you left for gymnastics camp.

124. Steve, of course. Great to see you again.

125. So, you still into the whole juice-and-crackers thing?

126. No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet.

127. I can only eat what Coach Bela Karolyi approves.

128. Lemon wedge. Lemon wedge!

129. Fatty wants a lemon wedge?

130. Here's your precious lemon wedge. Phooey!

131. You boys having fun?

132. Good. You know, I'd do anything to get elected deacon.

133. - Well, I'm sure the best man will— - Anything.

134. - Ha, ha. - Oh, my God!

135. Have you tasted this potato salad? It is amazing.

136. - It is? - It blows Christie's nachos out of the agua.

137. Mmm!

138. Whoever made this, her husband should be deacon.

139. That's me. Stan Smith for deacon.

140. Deacon Stan, Jesus man.

141. Stan, that was not my potato salad.

142. There was an ingredient in there I can't put my finger on.

143. Oh, God, the guilt. I can't take the guilt anymore.

144. Look, you know how I'm going through my reproductive time?

145. - Here. I have a diagram. - Yes, yes, we've all seen the diagram.

146. Anyway, last night I ate all your potato salad,

147. and I tried to make more, but there was no mayo,

148. so instead I used—

149. Well, pull my finger.

150. Mystery solved.

151. I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

152. We served alien breast milk to our church.

153. If anyone finds out, Chuck's gonna slaughter me in the race for deacon.

154. That's why I've called in a specialist to help me with my campaign.

155. Did it suddenly get cold in here?

156. Francine, meet Karl Rove.

157. Let's get started.

158. Wait. I know you.

159. You're the amoral puppet master

160. - behind George W. Bush. - Thank you.

161. Now, if you're going to beat Chuck White,

162. we have to take inventory of your assets. The boy.

163. Oh, you can count on Steve. He's a loyal soldier, Karl Rove.

164. I could do even more. Betsy White said she's learning C.P.R.

165. That could put her dad ahead with undecided voters who are choking.

166. - Put him in the girl's class. - Yes! Thank you, Satan.

167. Next, the black sheep.

168. That was just a fraternity prank. I was blindfolded.

169. The peer pressure was enormous.

170. I mean your daughter. She could sink this whole election.

171. - I mean, look at her. She's clearly gay. - I'm not gay.

172. Whatever you say, butch.

173. Now, Francine,

174. - your potato salad is the key to Stan's victory. - It is?

175. The masses love it. As long as you can keep feeding it to them, we win.

176. But what if I told you it contained a horrible ingredient?

177. An unholy ingredient?

178. Unholy, you say?

179. Anything else?

180. Where— Where does your food go?

181. I don't care what this quiz says. I am a flirt.

182. Here. Empty your mammary glands into this pail until it's full.

183. No, I don't think so. I'm not in the mood.

184. - How about now? - Oh, you're a beast. A beast!

185. Oh, for God's sake. Roger, I'm sorry if I was insensitive.

186. All right, I realize you're going through an emotional time right now.

187. I am!

188. There, there. It's going to be okay.

189. You look very pretty today.

190. Really? Because I'm trying a new rejuvenating mask.

191. Well, uh, whatever you're doing, it's working.

192. May I?

193. Eat up, everybody. Yeah. Stuff your faces.

194. Uh, Stan, honey, we've run out of potato salad.

195. Oh, my God, no!

196. Wait, wait. I've— I've got a stick of gum.

197. Who likes Big Red, huh? Who likes Big Red, huh?

198. What is wrong with you?

199. Look, we cannot run out of potato salad again, or we will lose on Sunday.

200. Damn. My car's been towed.

201. - Ow! Take it easy, Old McDonald. - There's barely any milk in these.

202. He secretes more after he eats.

203. Stuff his face, and the milk will flow

204. like the lies from my drunken mother's filthy mouth.

205. Oh, no, please don't. It's almost swimsuit season.

206. I just—

207. Why, Klaus, why?

208. Ja. Still German.

209. Thanks for walking me home from C.P.R. class, Steve.

210. Can I tell you something personal?

211. Of course. I told you about having to leave my underwear at Disneyland.

212. I'm only doing gymnastics because my parents make me. All I do is practice.

213. In fact, you're the only boy I ever spent any time with.

214. I like those odds.

215. - Wow. Second base. - Betsy White, what did I tell you

216. about hand holding?

217. It leads to kissing, which can get you pregnant.

218. I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob.

219. By the transitive property, I got some boob.

220. Algebra's awesome!

221. Oh, sorry, Roger. It's time to super-size you.

222. Stan, look what we're doing to Roger.

223. We have to stop this.

224. We can't stop now. The election is tomorrow. Roger's fine.

225. Kill me.

226. Then what about me? I've been up for days making potato salad.

227. I can't think straight. My back is killing me.

228. Sweetheart, I know how hard you've been working.

229. That's why I got you some help from a Taiwanese sweatshop.

230. I will not use sweatshop workers.

231. No, no. They're sweatshop managers.

232. - You know, to help you use your time better. - Break over!

233. - Back in kitchen! - You fat, lazy and stupid!

234. He's choking on his feed bag!

235. Stand back. I know C.P.R.

236. Ugh! Hey, you didn't have to spit in my mouth.

237. Attaboy. Now, there are still a few voters

238. who doubt I'd be a trustworthy leader,

239. so let's lock our alien back in that mechanical teat-sucker

240. and make more brainwashing potato salad, huh?

241. You deaf? You hear boss. Go! Go!

242. In my darkest hour, I thought God had forsaken me,

243. but then a miracle—

244. the Panthers fumbled and the Dolphins ran it back to cover the point spread.

245. And that is how I bought my Camry.

246. Ah. Here we go.

247. Okay, the votes have been tallied.

248. Our next deacon is...

249. - Stan Smith. - Yes! Yes! I am the chosen one.

250. You know what this is? A deacon fanny.

251. Yeah, look at it. Bet you wish you had one.

252. There's one person I would like to thank,

253. without whom this would not have been possible.

254. Karl Rove.

255. Karl? Karl, where are you? There he is. Come on up.

256. Yeah, I'm good right here.

257. My work is done. Farewell, Stan.

258. It's official. I beat Chuck White.

259. Ooh, let's celebrate. Hey, why don't we make Roger

260. squirt us out a round of his delicious alien boob slime.

261. Nice try, you little sadist, but my reproductive cycle's over.

262. Guess I got it out of my system.

263. Um, Mom? Dad?

264. I think— I think I'm pregnant.

265. - You can't be pregnant. - You're a virgin.

266. And a boy.

267. Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples.

268. Oh, uh, you know what?

269. I just remembered, I have a sweater soaking in the sink.

270. - What did you do to my son? - How do you even know it's mine?

271. Okay, okay, he must have sucked out my egg

272. when he gave me mouth-to-mouth.

273. So Steve is carrying an alien baby

274. in some sort of faux uterus.

275. How great is it that I started Xanax yesterday?

276. You knocked up my boy?

277. I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycle.

278. Oh, and, uh, F.Y.I., honey— Steve came on to me.

279. How could you do this to me?

280. This is what happens when you tart around town, giving it up for free.

281. - Why are you yelling at me? - Because I always figured you'd be in this situation,

282. so that's what I prepared for.

283. - What am I gonna do? - Whatever you want.

284. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.

285. Not in this house, he doesn't. We're conservatives,

286. and the one way we don't like to kill things is that way.

287. Way to go, Deacon.

288. Aw, put your money away. Deacons drink for free.

289. You may have finally beaten me, Smith,

290. but one day you'll stumble and I'll have the last laugh.

291. That's not the one I mean. Ha, ha.

292. Hey, Mr. Fishburne.

293. Yo, what up, "G"? Two fingers.

294. Last time I was here he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne,

295. - and I just never corrected him. - What a mess.

296. If anyone finds out my son is pregnant,

297. I'll lose my deaconship, and Chuck White wins again.

298. Stan, forget Chuck White.

299. Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.

300. I said two fingers, bitch!

301. Now go be a father to your son, my strong black brother.

302. Stan, what— What's going on?

303. You were right, Francine.

304. I've let this ridiculous rivalry cloud my judgment.

305. This family comes first.

306. That's why I rented this camper to drive us all down to Mexico,

307. - so Steve can have his baby. - Mexico?

308. That's right, Mexico— or as I like to call it, God's blind spot.

309. Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?

310. Yeah, I— I guess so.

311. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?

312. Oh, yeah, fatherhood— jazzed.

313. It's not like I wanted to do anything with my life,

314. like learn to surf or go to Jerusalem.

315. - Are you— Are you drunk? - Get used to it!

316. - Steve Smith? - I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenatal exam alone.

317. - It's kind of a father-son thing. - Oh, okay.

318. Hayley and I will go say hello to the donkey

319. running around the cancer ward.

320. Steve, I spoke to your father,

321. and he informs me you have a growth

322. - you would like me to "take care of." - What?

323. You know, that, uh, "inside zit" we talked about.

324. So... you want me to get rid of it.

325. - But I thought we were conservatives. - We are— in America.

326. Down here we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez,

327. orange farmers from Oaxaca who've come in for a delicate procedure.

328. Okay, Dad.

329. I know if Mr. White found out you had a pregnant son he'd be all, "Ha, ha!"

330. And you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!"

331. So I won't have this baby.

332. Wait. You think that's what this is all about?

333. Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?

334. - Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups. - And I've been drinking.

335. You know what? The hell with Chuck White.

336. And forget the deaconship.

337. - Son, you're keeping your alien baby. - Thanks, Dad.

338. Did you say "alien baby"?

339. No, I said, "Doctor's corpse found in desert."

340. Oh, right, right.

341. Where have you been, Steve?

342. Hey, Betsy. I was gonna call you, but, uh,

343. I'm kind of going through some stuff right now— boy stuff.

344. I stuck the landing for you. That's how much I like you.

345. Wow. Sunday again, huh? Boy, that pissed by, didn't it?

346. Least tomorrow's T.G.I.M.

347. - What? You got something better? - Father?

348. - May I say a few words? - Whatever.

349. Man, I remember when you used to be able to smoke in here.

350. I wanted to thank you all for electing me deacon.

351. Unfortunately, something unexpected has come up,

352. and I have to abdicate my position.

353. - But why? - It's a bizarre situation—

354. not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going- after-the-father-died bizarre,

355. but close.

356. Roger!

357. Hey, hands off. Just 'cause I'm your baby daddy doesn't mean—

358. - I'm not pregnant anymore. - Oh.

359. Well, you must have passed it on to someone else.

360. How many mouths you been mouth-to-mouthing?

361. Yeah, run. Yeah, run to the arms of your whore.

362. It's what you're good at.

363. So again, thanks for understanding.

364. But you still haven't told us why.

365. Fine. Uh, let's see.

366. I, uh, I've been

367. possessed by the devil.

368. That doesn't sound very possessed.

369. I didn't want to believe the devil's inside of him.

370. We'll call you at Aunt Janet's farm in Iowa once you get settled.

371. So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics anymore?

372. Of course that's what it means!

373. You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town. Ha, ha!

374. - Steve! - Betsy!

375. - Oh, this is all my fault. - No, it's not.

376. I knew kissing got you pregnant, and I did it anyway.

377. - Besides, I couldn't be happier. - What?

378. Gymnastics was a prison I'm finally free from.

379. Now that I'm an unwed teenaged mother, the world is my oyster.

380. - Good-bye, Steve. - I'll never forget you.

381. So what if Chuck White is deacon now?

382. So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a better car

383. and a nicer house?

384. None of that matters, because I've got—

385. Have a great night.