1. The Chimdale Stakes
is the first jewelCopy !req
2. in the Triple Crown
of dog racing.Copy !req
3. And this year's race
is sure to be a thriller,Copy !req
4. pitting wily veterans
like Bark RuffaloCopy !req
5. against exciting
newcomers like Fleabiscuit,Copy !req
6. a long shot at 20-1 odds.Copy !req
7. Can any of these dogs
win all three races?Copy !req
8. History is against them, as no
dog has won the Triple CrownCopy !req
9. since some dog did it in 1943.Copy !req
10. His name was Some Dog.Copy !req
11. I know that sounds strange...Copy !req
12. was the dog
that came in second.Copy !req
13. Perhaps it's
the confusing namesCopy !req
14. as to why dog racing
never took off elsewhere...Copy !req
15. came in third.Copy !req
16. Babe, can you
believe this?Copy !req
17. I'm so nervous.Copy !req
18. Of course
you're nervous.Copy !req
19. Everything you've done
has led you to this.Copy !req
20. Sunday,
buying the dog.Copy !req
21. Monday,
entering the race.Copy !req
22. Tuesday, kind of
taking the day off.Copy !req
23. Wednesday, too.Copy !req
24. And now
it's Thursday!Copy !req
25. Yeah,
it's Thursday!Copy !req
26. It's almost
the weekend!Copy !req
27. What am I so
nervous about?Copy !req
28. It's normal.
It's the big race.Copy !req
29. Oh, God!
Is it happening now?Copy !req
30. This means
so much to me!Copy !req
31. Up next, the 83rd running
of the Chimdale Stakes,Copy !req
32. sponsored by...Copy !req
33. Rick Heidleman —
a private citizen.Copy !req
34. Huh.Copy !req
35. Aah!Copy !req
36. Wow.
The Chimdale Stakes.Copy !req
37. So much tradition and history
and — oh, look!Copy !req
38. A guy pukin'
his guts out!Copy !req
39. This place
is so fancy.Copy !req
40. They even have their own
signature drink.Copy !req
41. It's called
a "brass monkey."Copy !req
42. It's half a 40
with orange juice.Copy !req
43. Very smoky.Copy !req
44. Maybe it's the cigarette butt
in the bottom.Copy !req
45. I'm just glad you guys
came out to support Jeff.Copy !req
46. I'm so happy he's found
something he's interested in.Copy !req
47. So, I've never been to
a dog track before.Copy !req
48. How does
this all work?Copy !req
49. The dogs race
around the courseCopy !req
50. by chasing after
the rabbit over there.Copy !req
51. Its name is Wizbo.Copy !req
52. What?
That's a stuffed rabbit!Copy !req
53. Are dogs
really that dumb?Copy !req
54. It doesn't
even have eyes!Copy !req
55. Pop a couple raisins
in its head!Copy !req
56. Make it look more
realistic!Copy !req
57. You can complain about
this, Klaus,Copy !req
58. or you can be a hero.Copy !req
59. The dogs
are in their traps,Copy !req
60. and we're ready to go
here at Chimdale Stakes.Copy !req
61. It's me, Tuttle,
by the way.Copy !req
62. If you didn't know my job
before, now you know!Copy !req
63. I'm a dog-race announcer.Copy !req
64. Another fact about me.Copy !req
65. I've yet to form an opinion
about gay marriage.Copy !req
66. Hey, Francine!
Who let the dogs out?Copy !req
67. I don't know.
The gatekeeper?Copy !req
68. There you go, Mr. Wizbo.Copy !req
69. You have such pretty eyes now.Copy !req
70. And off goes the Wizbo!Copy !req
71. Aaah!Copy !req
72. And there go the dogs!Copy !req
73. Wait!
They can't catch me!Copy !req
74. Hey, doggies!
You want this butt?Copy !req
75. Come and get it,
you dumb doggies!Copy !req
76. So, as we come
into the final bend,Copy !req
77. it's Bark Ruffalo with the lead,Copy !req
78. with Butt Stuff
creeping in behind him.Copy !req
79. And — oh! Here comes
Fleabiscuit on the outside!Copy !req
80. He's making a run for it!Copy !req
81. Oh, my God!
Go, go, go!Copy !req
82. You got this,
Fleabiscuit!Copy !req
83. And now Fleabiscuit is
right on Bark Ruffalo's tail!Copy !req
84. Can he do it? It'll be close,
but Fleabiscuit wins!Copy !req
85. Fleabiscuit wins!Copy !req
86. Wow! What a race!Copy !req
87. And finishing last
is Butt Stuff.Copy !req
88. A lot of Butt Stuff fans
are gonna be sore tonight.Copy !req
89. I can't believe
we won!Copy !req
90. That was the most incredible
rush I've ever had!Copy !req
91. It was better
than sex!Copy !req
92. - Way!
- And I just won $200.Copy !req
93. I'm rich
beyond belief.Copy !req
94. And that was only
the first race.Copy !req
95. We can sit in the sun
all day gambling and drinking.Copy !req
96. This is gonna
be great for us.Copy !req
97. Oh, my God.Copy !req
98. That was the most exciting
thing I've ever done.Copy !req
99. I lost two raisins,
but that's cool.Copy !req
100. This place
looks fancy.Copy !req
101. I — I don't know
if they'll let Fleabiscuit inCopy !req
102. without a jacket.Copy !req
103. Jeff, you won
a huge race.Copy !req
104. We should have
a nice dinner out.Copy !req
105. Oh, I'm sorry,
but dogs aren'tCopy !req
106. allowed
in the restaurant.Copy !req
107. Excuse me, sir,
but this is Jeff Fisher,Copy !req
108. and his better half,
Fleabiscuit.Copy !req
109. The winners
of the Chimdale Stakes!Copy !req
110. Get them a table
right away!Copy !req
111. Absolument!Copy !req
112. Wow. Thanks,
Mayor Garfield.Copy !req
113. Is this your wife?Copy !req
114. You know me.
It's Hayley.Copy !req
115. We've had many
adventures together.Copy !req
116. Yes, yes, but I've erased
all those memoriesCopy !req
117. to make new ones
with Jeff!Copy !req
118. Now, Jeff, do you mindCopy !req
119. if we take
a picture photo togetherCopy !req
120. using my
cellphone cam-er-a?Copy !req
121. Sure!Copy !req
122. Umm...Copy !req
123. Oh.
Hayley?Copy !req
124. You're — uhh —
in the shot.Copy !req
125. Do you mind moving?Copy !req
126. Que haces?
Vete a la cocina!Copy !req
127. What a day
at the races.Copy !req
128. And that streak we went on
after our first win.Copy !req
129. Lost nine in a row.Copy !req
130. All our money,
my cellphone,Copy !req
131. and one of your shoes.Copy !req
132. As I see it,
we have two options.Copy !req
133. We could go home
and face the ridiculeCopy !req
134. or live here forever.Copy !req
135. Let's put it
to a shoe vote.Copy !req
136. The shoes have it.Copy !req
137. Welcome home, baby.Copy !req
138. It looks like I have
the house all to myself.Copy !req
139. That means I can have
a little naked time.Copy !req
140. Now, usually I don't do this,Copy !req
141. but I'mma go ahead
and break it offCopy !req
142. with a little preview
of my penis!Copy !req
143. Oh!Copy !req
144. 'Sup, thug?Copy !req
145. What are you
doing here?Copy !req
146. Oh, I'm the busboy
for the restaurant.Copy !req
147. Keeps me humble.Copy !req
148. Busboyin'
keeps me humble.Copy !req
149. Looks like everyone's
all over Jeff's dickCopy !req
150. since he won
the Chimdale Stakes.Copy !req
151. So, how's it feelCopy !req
152. being the dud?
Dud?Copy !req
153. Every relationship
has a stud and a dud.Copy !req
154. You used to be the stud,
but now you're just...Copy !req
155. Drumroll?
Dud-dud-dud-dud —Copy !req
156. Dud?
Wait for it.Copy !req
157. Dud-dud-dud-dud —
You're gonna say "dud."Copy !req
158. - The dud!
- Que haces?Copy !req
159. Vete a la cocina!
This guy!Copy !req
160. He's always
flirting with me.Copy !req
161. And with Fleabiscuit's
resounding winCopy !req
162. in the Lanceton Downs,Copy !req
163. he's just one win away
from the Triple Crown.Copy !req
164. If you didn't know the name
Fleabiscuit before,Copy !req
165. you'll know it now!Copy !req
166. Just as you'll knowCopy !req
167. his rising star trainer,
Jeff Fisher!Copy !req
168. I know Jeff!Copy !req
169. He bones my daughter!Copy !req
170. 'Sup, dud.Copy !req
171. - What are you —
- I'm the busboy for the tracks.Copy !req
172. Keeps me humble.
Hayley, I can tellCopy !req
173. this is killing you,
being the dud.Copy !req
174. Maybe you should get
your own dog in the race?Copy !req
175. Get the spotlight back
on old headband?Copy !req
176. - I don't need the spot—
- Jeff!Copy !req
177. Tell us how
you did it!Copy !req
178. Well, none of this
would be possibleCopy !req
179. without one person.Copy !req
180. My one true
inspiration.Copy !req
181. Stephen from
"The Real World: Seattle,"Copy !req
182. who had the courage to throw
that girl with Lyme disease'sCopy !req
183. teddy bear into the ocean.Copy !req
184. You're lucky I haveCopy !req
185. a relationship
with a primo dog breeder.Copy !req
186. Got champion dogs everywhere
from Auckland to Dubai.Copy !req
187. One of his pups just broke
the 1,200-meter recordCopy !req
188. in Macau last week.Copy !req
189. Dude's name is
Roland Speargrass Fergburger.Copy !req
190. Oh, God. You're gonna be
the dog breeder, aren't you?Copy !req
191. Hayley,
I'm not everyone.Copy !req
192. But do you really think
I'd be a dog breeder?Copy !req
193. Like I'd spend all my time
hanging around a kennelCopy !req
194. with a bunch of dogs?Copy !req
195. Like I'd check them for fleas
and clean out their cagesCopy !req
196. and fill up
their bowls every day?Copy !req
197. Me, the dog breeder?Copy !req
198. That's ridiculous,
Hayley.Copy !req
199. I'm the dog.Copy !req
200. Meh, I don't know
if I want to go on this one.Copy !req
201. Smells like someone
already peed here.Copy !req
202. Yep.
Tastes like pee.Copy !req
203. Yuck.Copy !req
204. So, how did you
become a race dog?Copy !req
205. Hold on
to your knockersCopy !req
206. 'cause it's a pretty
heart-warming tale.Copy !req
207. He was
originally cast as Eddie,Copy !req
208. the dog from "Frasier,"Copy !req
209. but soon, he discovered
his real talent —Copy !req
210. running fast to escape
the advances of Kelsey Grammer.Copy !req
211. Nobody says no
to the Gram-Man!Copy !req
212. You're saying Kelsey Grammer
has sex with dogs?Copy !req
213. Yeah.
Niles bangs turtles.Copy !req
214. Everyone in Hollywood
knows this stuff.Copy !req
215. Oh, hey, babe.
Hey, who's this?Copy !req
216. This is
my new race dog.Copy !req
217. His name's...Copy !req
218. Ryan.Copy !req
219. Ryan.Copy !req
220. Really, that's it?Copy !req
221. I — I didn't know
you were racing now.Copy !req
222. I figured since you could
do it, I'd try it out.Copy !req
223. O-okay,
but racing's not easy.Copy !req
224. Not everyone has what
I have with Fleabiscuit.Copy !req
225. We got a special bond,
don't we, boy?Copy !req
226. Yeah, well, I've got
a special bond with my dog, too.Copy !req
227. Oh, Ryan!Copy !req
228. Oh, yeah, you're
such a good boy,Copy !req
229. aren't you, Fleabiscuit?
Oh, good boy!Copy !req
230. You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me!Copy !req
231. Oh, yes, and you have
a super active tongue!Copy !req
232. Oh, my!Copy !req
233. Okay, so we're
gonna head home!Copy !req
234. Or just
go to the park.Copy !req
235. Ugh.
Let's get to work!Copy !req
236. Ugh. Fine.Copy !req
237. But why does your mouth
taste like beets?Copy !req
238. It's 9:00 a.m.Copy !req
239. Are you an early-morning
beet eater?Copy !req
240. That's insane.
You're insane.Copy !req
241. But I'm insane, too.Copy !req
242. Insane for that
big beet flavor!Copy !req
243. Not fast enough!
One more lap!Copy !req
244. I wish I could, Haley,
but Cheryl and LindsayCopy !req
245. are going to
the mall in an hour.Copy !req
246. And if I don't
go with them,Copy !req
247. they're just gonna talk shit
about me the whole time.Copy !req
248. Look who took the last canCopy !req
249. of Diet A&W Cream Soda
from your personal fridge?Copy !req
250. ♪ Nice guys finish lastCopy !req
251. You better run faster!Copy !req
252. I'm opening it!Copy !req
253. Ooh, it's a good batch, too!Copy !req
254. Come on, Ryan!Copy !req
255. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
256. Whoo-hoo!
♪ Oh, nice guys finish lastCopy !req
257. ♪ When you run out of gasCopy !req
258. I won again!
Where are my groupies at?Copy !req
259. I want to make love to you and
never call you back, like a dog!Copy !req
260. Congratulations.Copy !req
261. Your dog just qualified
for the Langley Derby.Copy !req
262. Oh, my God!
Did you hear that, Ryan?Copy !req
263. We're going
to the derby!Copy !req
264. Oh, so you're one
of those dog owners?Copy !req
265. I'll let you two
have your privacy.Copy !req
266. Francine!
Look what I just stoleCopy !req
267. from people
in the stands!Copy !req
268. A Velcro wallet, $13,
and an Invisalign!Copy !req
269. See, the beauty
of this thingCopy !req
270. is that it's impossible
to see that I'm wearing it!Copy !req
271. And I pickpocketed
so many tampons,Copy !req
272. I can have
a period forever!Copy !req
273. God, I love living
at the track with you!Copy !req
274. Let's do it
in the dirt!Copy !req
275. Greg Corbin here
with Chimdale StakesCopy !req
276. and Lanceton Downs
champion FleabiscuitCopy !req
277. and his owner
and trainer, Jeff Fisher.Copy !req
278. Hi, Jeff.
Hi, Gerg!Copy !req
279. Jeff, you're one win away
from the Triple Crown.Copy !req
280. Tell me,
what's your secret?Copy !req
281. Oh, well, I kind of
just bring FleabiscuitCopy !req
282. to the track and let him run,
and that's pretty much it.Copy !req
283. Well, between you
and your wife, Hayley,Copy !req
284. there must be something
in the water here.Copy !req
285. That's right.
Wait, Hayley?Copy !req
286. Her dog, Ryan,
is the newest entrantCopy !req
287. in the Langley Derby!Copy !req
288. Did you not know?Copy !req
289. Oh, my.Copy !req
290. Your own wife
competing against you.Copy !req
291. Quick, zoom in.
See if we can get tears.Copy !req
292. How does that
make you feel?Copy !req
293. You know there's a zoom function
on the camera, Charlie.Copy !req
294. This is my way!Copy !req
295. Damn it.
Hayley's home.Copy !req
296. But I need a healthy snack.Copy !req
297. Looks like I got myself
a naked challenge!Copy !req
298. You're racing
against me?Copy !req
299. So what?
It's not a big deal.Copy !req
300. It's a huge deal!Copy !req
301. Why would you do
this to me, Hayley?Copy !req
302. I'm one win away
from the Triple Crown!Copy !req
303. I know you think
that you're a "big shot" now,Copy !req
304. but not everything
is about you, Jeff!Copy !req
305. This is the most important
race of my career!Copy !req
306. You don't even
have a career!Copy !req
307. I know what
this is about!Copy !req
308. I finally found
something I'm good at,Copy !req
309. and you're trying
to take it away from me!Copy !req
310. What?
That's crazy.Copy !req
311. You're jealous of me,
so you're trying toCopy !req
312. horn in
on my thing.Copy !req
313. Well, sorry to
break it to you,Copy !req
314. but it's not
gonna work.Copy !req
315. And why is your
brother naked?Copy !req
316. Whoa!Copy !req
317. You guys
are so high.Copy !req
318. You think this is
really happening.Copy !req
319. I'm still
mad at you.Copy !req
320. But I gotta admit,
it's pretty coolCopy !req
321. that your brother
draws on his pubic hair.Copy !req
322. Roger.Copy !req
323. I need you
to win the derby.Copy !req
324. Mmkay.Copy !req
325. I need you
to do anythingCopy !req
326. to beat Fleabiscuit
and win.Copy !req
327. Do you understand me?Copy !req
328. Anything!Copy !req
329. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
330. Well, I mean,
anything except —Copy !req
331. don't kill him
or anything.Copy !req
332. Hayley, who do you
think I am?Copy !req
333. Some kind of
cold-blooded killer?Copy !req
334. I'm not a monster!
Geez!Copy !req
335. I'm sorry, Roger.Copy !req
336. I-I didn't mean to —
I'm just kidding.Copy !req
337. You were right
to clarify.Copy !req
338. I would have —
I would have killed him.Copy !req
339. And good afternoon
from the Langley Derby!Copy !req
340. Today, little Fleabiscuit
goes for the Triple Crown!Copy !req
341. Will he have what it takes
to lift that trophy?Copy !req
342. Oh, look.
There's a dog on it.Copy !req
343. That seems right.Copy !req
344. And here come the competitors!Copy !req
345. There's Hot Chunks!Copy !req
346. Turtle Face!
Cheesecake is my enemy!Copy !req
347. Ryan!
Are we all good?Copy !req
348. Took care of it.Copy !req
349. And last but certainly
not least,Copy !req
350. the champion and heavy
favorite, Fleabiscuit!Copy !req
351. Fleabiscuit, are you
all right, boy?Copy !req
352. What'd you do,
poison him?Copy !req
353. God, no, I just slept
with his girlfriendCopy !req
354. and showed him
the video.Copy !req
355. What do you think, huh?Copy !req
356. Oh, shoot. I wanted to
show you the one with music.Copy !req
357. Good dog.Copy !req
358. Now let's
win this thing.Copy !req
359. Great card today.Copy !req
360. Even though Ryan's a roughie,
I want him across the board.Copy !req
361. How much
you wanna wager?Copy !req
362. Three cough drops
and, uh, six Altoids.Copy !req
363. If you don't
have money,Copy !req
364. then you can't
place bets here.Copy !req
365. What, is
the Langley DerbyCopy !req
366. too good for
a Burger King coupon?Copy !req
367. Why didn't
you say so, sir?Copy !req
368. Right this way to
the BK Royalty Lounge!Copy !req
369. Oh, my gosh.
I should straighten up.Copy !req
370. You're old.Copy !req
371. - You're ugly.Copy !req
372. - You smell like Funyuns.Copy !req
373. - Your girlfriend's a slut.Copy !req
374. - Actually, the Funyun smell'sCopy !req
375. coming from you.Copy !req
376. I'm sorry, dog number 3!
I hope you win!Copy !req
377. Who am I?Copy !req
378. I'm the Wizbo, bitch.Copy !req
379. So! Will Fleabiscuit
make history today?Copy !req
380. Do historians even
follow dog racing?Copy !req
381. All these questions
will be answeredCopy !req
382. at the Langley Derby Racetrack
and Check Cashing Emporium!Copy !req
383. And off goes the Wizbo!Copy !req
384. Bite my ass, ass-biters!Copy !req
385. And there go the dogs!Copy !req
386. Oh, my.Copy !req
387. It looks like the pressure's
got to little Fleabiscuit.Copy !req
388. He's barely running.Copy !req
389. Fleabiscuit,
what's wrong?Copy !req
390. And out to an early
lead is Ryan.Copy !req
391. Let's go, Ryan!
Yeah!Copy !req
392. Who's the dog now?Copy !req
393. And starting to stretch
the lead, it's Ryan!Copy !req
394. Yeah! Things are gonna
be different now!Copy !req
395. Where did all
the maniacal laughter go?Copy !req
396. That last one was a little sad.Copy !req
397. Wait. I don't want things
to be different.Copy !req
398. I don't understand.
I thought I was good at this.Copy !req
399. And it's Ryan
around the final bend.Copy !req
400. Look at you stupid greyhounds.
You're so weird-looking.Copy !req
401. That's why no one
wants you as pets.Copy !req
402. Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!Copy !req
403. Get him!Copy !req
404. I didn't mean any of it!
I love dogs!Copy !req
405. No one respects dogs
more than me!Copy !req
406. Aah!Copy !req
407. Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
408. The dogs have stopped racingCopy !req
409. and are now attacking
the rabbit.Copy !req
410. Not the fins! Not the fins!Copy !req
411. Not the fins!Copy !req
412. he only one not caught upCopy !req
413. in this madness,
is Fleabiscuit!Copy !req
414. Oh, my God!
Go, Fleabiscuit, go!Copy !req
415. Come on,
Fleabiscuit, run!Copy !req
416. Babe, why are you
rooting for Fleabiscuit?Copy !req
417. I'm not.
I'm rooting for you.Copy !req
418. Fleabiscuit,
do it for Darlene!Copy !req
419. I don't know what happened,Copy !req
420. but Fleabiscuit's
finally turned it on!Copy !req
421. Wait. What am I doing?Copy !req
422. I'm not one of these
idiot mutts.Copy !req
423. I'm a frickin' alien.
I'm gonna win this race!Copy !req
424. And now Ryan's pulled himself
out of the dog pile!Copy !req
425. He's got his sights
on the finish line!Copy !req
426. Ryan's oh-so-close, but he's
hot-dogging it down the stretch.Copy !req
427. They're loving this!
Let's see. What else?Copy !req
428. Oh, moonwalk.Copy !req
429. Oh, crap.Copy !req
430. He's done it!
Fleabiscuit's won!Copy !req
431. Fleabiscuit's
won the Triple Crown!Copy !req
432. I've never loved you
more in my life!Copy !req
433. As Mayor
of Langley Falls,Copy !req
434. I am delighted
to award this trophyCopy !req
435. to the first
Triple Crown winnerCopy !req
436. since 1943,Copy !req
437. Fleabiscuit
and Jeff Fisher!Copy !req
438. Thanks, Mayor G.Copy !req
439. I just wanna say,Copy !req
440. I couldn't have done
it without Hayley.Copy !req
441. So, what's next
for you, Jeff?Copy !req
442. Well, I'm gonna
retire from racing.Copy !req
443. I'd like to spend
more time with my wife.Copy !req
444. And I think
Fleabiscuit's gotCopy !req
445. more important
things on his mind.Copy !req
446. Steve, why
are you naked?Copy !req
447. Well, why are you —
what are you?Copy !req
448. We don't have
to answer to you!Copy !req
449. We're racetrack
royalty.Copy !req
450. Please, everyone,
shut up.Copy !req
451. I'm in so much pain.Copy !req
452. I'm ready to die.Copy !req
453. Oh, hell, no.Copy !req
454. Aww.Copy !req
455. Bye! Have a great time!Copy !req