1. Stan, a new gym opened up
on Oak Road.Copy !req
2. They're offering
a free one-week trial!Copy !req
3. They have a pool,
all-new equipment,Copy !req
4. and a "designated area for old
men to blow-dry their balls."Copy !req
5. You had me
at old men's balls.Copy !req
6. That was
the last thing I said.Copy !req
7. And the best!Copy !req
8. I can't wait to commit
to a new healthy lifestyle.Copy !req
9. What? You never commit
to anything.Copy !req
10. You're a dabbler, Mom.Copy !req
11. Yeah, I'm a dabbler.Copy !req
12. And now I'm thinking about
dabbling in committing.Copy !req
13. You know, when a gym's trying to
get you to sign up,Copy !req
14. they'll do anything
to keep you happy.Copy !req
15. But once you join, you're just
some guy paying 60 bucks a monthCopy !req
16. to have a place to stop and take
dumps on the way home from work.Copy !req
17. So that's why
you never go at home.Copy !req
18. I was beginning to think
you were a Westworld.Copy !req
19. Aah!Copy !req
20. I love gym towels.Copy !req
21. Each one is the perfect size
to dry one limb.Copy !req
22. I'm gonna make
a ton of towel swans.Copy !req
23. Sir! You have to pay
for those Muscle Milks!Copy !req
24. Doin' the free trial,
my man!Copy !req
25. Hey —Copy !req
26. That's enough of that!Copy !req
27. Where do they go?Copy !req
28. Before the invention
of the high-five,Copy !req
29. man searched in vainCopy !req
30. for a satisfying way
to celebrate victory.Copy !req
31. Everything changed in 1977,Copy !req
32. with the first-ever
recorded high-five.Copy !req
33. Oh, the high-five.Copy !req
34. Not to toot my own horn
but... I invented that.Copy !req
35. invented by Glenn Burke
and Dusty Baker.Copy !req
36. What?Copy !req
37. Glenn and I
were at Dodger StadiumCopy !req
38. and we stumbled upon
this perfect hand thingCopy !req
39. that changed the world.Copy !req
40. Lies!
I invented the high-fiveCopy !req
41. after passing my drug test
at the 1974 Junior Olympics!Copy !req
42. Not according to
this IFC documentary.Copy !req
43. IFC?
IFC are liars!Copy !req
44. Don't call yourself
the Independent Film ChannelCopy !req
45. and then air
A Very Brady Sequel!Copy !req
46. Hang on, Klaus.
What are you angry about?Copy !req
47. IFC
or the high-five thing?Copy !req
48. Ohhh,
the high-five!Copy !req
49. I invented that!Copy !req
50. Not according to IFC.Copy !req
51. Ohhh, don't get me
started on IFC!Copy !req
52. So, what are you
gonna do today?Copy !req
53. Probably cool down
at the pool,Copy !req
54. release some towel swans,
wonder where they go.Copy !req
55. If you want results, you got to
stick to your routine.Copy !req
56. Whoops!Copy !req
57. Your free trial is over.Copy !req
58. Let's just sign you up for paid
membership, get you in there.Copy !req
59. Oh, yeah, yeah,
of course.Copy !req
60. Let me just get my credit card
out of my pocket...Copy !req
61. You were right to add
HBO Latino, Jeff.Copy !req
62. Schindler's List is much
less sad when it's in Spanish.Copy !req
63. Uno mas!
Uno mas muchacho!Copy !req
64. Just because I don't want
to go to the gymCopy !req
65. doesn't mean you can't.Copy !req
66. But I was really liking
going together.Copy !req
67. Guess I can't go at all.
Uch, so unfair!Copy !req
68. Wait a second, are you using me
as an excuseCopy !req
69. to stop
going to the gym?Copy !req
70. - That's ridiculous.
- Is it, Mom?Copy !req
71. It kind of sounds like
ceramics class all over again.Copy !req
72. I only quit that class
becauseCopy !req
73. your dad couldn't get hard
if my hands smelled like clay!Copy !req
74. O... kay.
How about when you were
gonna learn Spanish,Copy !req
75. but then you quit because
your kids only speak EnglishCopy !req
76. and you wanted to be
able to understand them?Copy !req
77. I wanted to
communicate with my kids.Copy !req
78. Take me away, officer!Copy !req
79. Yeah, I was pretty bummedCopy !req
80. when you quit writing
your one-woman show, Mrs. S.Copy !req
81. I told you,
I haven't lived the ending yet.Copy !req
82. That just seems like
another excuse.Copy !req
83. You know, Mom, it sounds
like Dad has a good point.Copy !req
84. It is a good point.Copy !req
85. Steve said it, too!
Hear that, hon?Copy !req
86. I made a good point
about you being a quitter!Copy !req
87. Me! Stan Smith!
Good point guy!Copy !req
88. Come on, kids! I say "good,"
you say "point"! Good!Copy !req
89. Point!
Good!
Point!Copy !req
90. Good!
Point!
Oh! Point!Copy !req
91. Good point.Copy !req
92. Fans, please welcomeCopy !req
93. the beloved inventor
of the high-five,Copy !req
94. toothpick enthusiast
Dusty Baker!Copy !req
95. Wow!Copy !req
96. I am so blessed to seeCopy !req
97. how the world's embraced
my little iconic gesture —Copy !req
98. Liar!Copy !req
99. Liar!Copy !req
100. I invented the high-five!Copy !req
101. Whoops, sounds like someone
had a little too much to drink.Copy !req
102. Please! How can anyone get drunk
paying $14 a beer?Copy !req
103. It's half my disability check
just to catch a buzz!Copy !req
104. I'm sorry, are you mad about
the price of beerCopy !req
105. or the origin
of the high-five?Copy !req
106. Ohhh, the high-five!Copy !req
107. I invented that!Copy !req
108. It's okay, folks!Copy !req
109. The high-five is such
a natural expression of joyCopy !req
110. that people want to claim
ownership, but truly...Copy !req
111. it belongs to all of us.Copy !req
112. Listen, you seem like
a good guy.Copy !req
113. Why don't I have you over for
a drink, sort this all out?Copy !req
114. Buddy, I don't drink,
I get wasted!Copy !req
115. Yeah-ha!Copy !req
116. I'ma piss on your futon!
Sigma Chi!Copy !req
117. Jacket material?Copy !req
118. Satin's always in style.Copy !req
119. Lining?Copy !req
120. Satin's always popular.Copy !req
121. Font?Copy !req
122. Obviously Laverne & Shirley
shadow bold.Copy !req
123. And order.Copy !req
124. Three weeks?Copy !req
125. Well, I'll just stay busy.Copy !req
126. - Dad?
- Can't you see I'm busy?Copy !req
127. Every time!Copy !req
128. I don't see any needCopy !req
129. to bring insurance companies
into this.Copy !req
130. Francine!
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
131. Did my good point
crush your spirit?Copy !req
132. You're making me feel terrible
about my new jacket.Copy !req
133. Check it out,
oh, yeah!Copy !req
134. "Good point gay"?Copy !req
135. What?Copy !req
136. Are you kidding me?
Really?Copy !req
137. What time is it?Copy !req
138. I got to
get back to the gym.Copy !req
139. But you quit the gym.Copy !req
140. I wrote a whole jacket
about it.Copy !req
141. Ooaaaah!Copy !req
142. B-b-b-boner from body!Copy !req
143. Body give boner!Copy !req
144. Beautiful body
give baby boner!Copy !req
145. Oh, mommy!Copy !req
146. Ooaaaah!Copy !req
147. - Stan —
- Ooaaaah!Copy !req
148. Okay. Explain.Copy !req
149. Well, as much as it hurt,
you did have a good point.Copy !req
150. I tend to quit things,
and I want to change that.Copy !req
151. So I decided to
stick with the gym.Copy !req
152. And my trainer, Jackie, has been
helping me push past my limits.Copy !req
153. Are you even
listening to me?Copy !req
154. Yeah, yeah, you said,Copy !req
155. "Lackie, bleen be mush
mast your glinglets."Copy !req
156. Now let's screw!Copy !req
157. That was so powerful,
Francine.Copy !req
158. So special.Copy !req
159. I trust it put an end
to those nasty rumorsCopy !req
160. my jacket's
been spreading.Copy !req
161. What are you doing?Copy !req
162. I'm heading back
to the gym.Copy !req
163. No, but stay here,
though.Copy !req
164. Stan, I have to go.
It's a leg day.Copy !req
165. I called the gym
and they said it's a bed day.Copy !req
166. Honey.Copy !req
167. Human blanket!Copy !req
168. Don't go.
You can bwame bwanket.Copy !req
169. Stan,
I promised myself.Copy !req
170. I can't miss
my workouts.Copy !req
171. That was a hot slam,
Francine!Copy !req
172. Hey, Steve, what's up?Copy !req
173. Your mom
just gave me a hot slam.Copy !req
174. Did you feel
the house move?Copy !req
175. I'm just trying to
walk down the hall.Copy !req
176. Everything's gold.Copy !req
177. That classy sonuvabitch.Copy !req
178. Klaus!
The fish from the game!Copy !req
179. Thank you so much
for coming to my home.Copy !req
180. Now,
listen here, Dusty —Copy !req
181. Toothpick
for your lamb?Copy !req
182. Everything tastes better
with just a hint of tree.Copy !req
183. Who cares?Copy !req
184. I want to talk about
the high-five.Copy !req
185. I invented it. Not you.
Are we clear?Copy !req
186. I guess we'll just have to
agree to disagree.Copy !req
187. It's like Tina Turner
said to me —Copy !req
188. Stop!Copy !req
189. You know Tina Turner?Copy !req
190. She's a dear,
dear friend.Copy !req
191. Tell me right now...
did you smush her?Copy !req
192. Klaus,
a gentleman never tells.Copy !req
193. But I will say, if I
"high-fived" her in an elevator,Copy !req
194. it was
♪ Simply the bestCopy !req
195. Who is this?Copy !req
196. What is that?Copy !req
197. Oh! Aah! Where was that there?
Francine!Copy !req
198. Roger, who the hell parked
their van in the driveway?Copy !req
199. Oh, that's Jackie.
Francine's gym friend.Copy !req
200. Oh, there's another muscle lady
in the house?Copy !req
201. Yes, there is.Copy !req
202. And she's a man!Copy !req
203. Well, sort of.Copy !req
204. In pursuit of the perfect
bikini front,Copy !req
205. I trained my penis to
permanently recede into my body.Copy !req
206. - How far?
- Out the back.Copy !req
207. It looks like he has a tail.
Show him, Jackie.Copy !req
208. Francine!Copy !req
209. Francine,
we need to talk.Copy !req
210. Sure, but could you
hop on my back?Copy !req
211. I need more resistance.Copy !req
212. Okay, Francine,
I get it, good job.Copy !req
213. I don't think
you're a quitter anymore.Copy !req
214. Now that you've proven me wrong,
can you... quit?Copy !req
215. I'm not trying to
prove anything to you.Copy !req
216. This is for me.Copy !req
217. But it's affecting
everyone.Copy !req
218. The house is a mess,
every meal is some gross shake,Copy !req
219. and the last three
family movie nightsCopy !req
220. have been
P90X workout videos.Copy !req
221. I'm so distracted
I didn't even ask RogerCopy !req
222. why he's dressed like
a park ranger.Copy !req
223. And you just know
it's something cool!Copy !req
224. Well, I'm not quitting.Copy !req
225. Jackie and I just enteredCopy !req
226. the Langley Falls
Bodybuilding Competition.Copy !req
227. So what, you're just gonna
keep doing this forever?Copy !req
228. Yes!Copy !req
229. Yes! Of course
I can get Francine to quit.Copy !req
230. Let's not forget
she's a quitter at heart.Copy !req
231. She didn't even get around to
stuffing her Build-A-Bear.Copy !req
232. And remember
her one-woman show?Copy !req
233. I just want things
the way they were.Copy !req
234. All she needs
is a little setback.Copy !req
235. Like say... if you and I
were to beat themCopy !req
236. in the bodybuilding
competition.Copy !req
237. How are we gonna do that?
She's been training for weeks.Copy !req
238. It won't be easy.Copy !req
239. Transforming your body
will take dedication.Copy !req
240. No time for family or friends.
I am talking total sacrifice.Copy !req
241. I'm talkin' no sweets,
Stan.
I'm in.Copy !req
242. Did you hear the part
about no sweets?
Yes.Copy !req
243. That means no cookies,
you little cookie monster.Copy !req
244. Roger!
Sorry, I had to
test your dedication.Copy !req
245. Now I have to test...Copy !req
246. how much steroids you can take
in your neck.Copy !req
247. Dusty, I got to say,Copy !req
248. these have been some of
the best days of my life.Copy !req
249. I can't believe I was mad at you
about the high-five.Copy !req
250. 'Cause now you're like
my best friend.Copy !req
251. My man!Copy !req
252. Can I get a high-five?Copy !req
253. Dusty, ow!Copy !req
254. What are you doing?Copy !req
255. I stole it from you.Copy !req
256. I was at the Junior Olympics
when you invented the high-five.Copy !req
257. It was so beautiful.
I had to make it mine.Copy !req
258. What?Copy !req
259. You know how hard it is
to be a famously nice guyCopy !req
260. when I'm constantly reminded
that my greatest accomplishmentCopy !req
261. is a lie?Copy !req
262. Without the high-five,Copy !req
263. I'm just a highly respected
athleteCopy !req
264. who transitioned perfectly
into a vibrantCopy !req
265. and fulfilling second act
as a leader of men.Copy !req
266. That still sounds
pretty good.Copy !req
267. To you!
The great genius!Copy !req
268. Don't you see I hurt?Copy !req
269. So I decided
to hurt you.Copy !req
270. First by showing you everything
that should've been yours,Copy !req
271. and now by taking away
everything you've got!Copy !req
272. But you already have the only
great thing I ever did!Copy !req
273. What more can you take?Copy !req
274. Well,
I could start with...Copy !req
275. your accent.Copy !req
276. Now I am
German sounding!Copy !req
277. And then I take
your whole fish idea.Copy !req
278. Who is the fish now?Copy !req
279. Finally, I steal from youCopy !req
280. the ability to
breathe underwater!Copy !req
281. Well, I think we both
saw that coming.Copy !req
282. Give it up for
Jan and Jim López!Copy !req
283. Who's who? Hard to tell,
but fun to guess!Copy !req
284. Arms up, pull it down!Copy !req
285. Attagirl, Francine!Copy !req
286. You're so big!Copy !req
287. You think she's big?Copy !req
288. Excuse me, I'm trying to...Copy !req
289. If I could just get past.Copy !req
290. Thank you — Johnny?Copy !req
291. Sorry. I thought
you were someone else.Copy !req
292. 'Scuse me. Sorry.Copy !req
293. Stan, that was
definitely Johnny.Copy !req
294. We had sex.
Pardon me!Copy !req
295. Sorry, where was I?
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
296. You think she's big?Copy !req
297. Ta da!Copy !req
298. Boom. Rat braid.
Ready to quit?Copy !req
299. I cannot believe you would
do this just to get me to quit!Copy !req
300. Well, it's only gonna
make me try harder!Copy !req
301. You just woke the dragon.Copy !req
302. Eeeeh!Copy !req
303. I'm sorry,
I don't know what a dragon is.Copy !req
304. Please welcome
Stan Smith and Tammy Twopiece!Copy !req
305. That, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
306. is what Langley Bodybuilding
is all about!Copy !req
307. You'll never beat that.Copy !req
308. We can do this!Copy !req
309. No limits!
No limits!Copy !req
310. We're losing them!Copy !req
311. Let's spell it out
for them.Copy !req
312. Ab-phabet.Copy !req
313. You can't hold that pose
forever!Copy !req
314. Oh, yes, I can!Copy !req
315. I'll never quit!Copy !req
316. A new vein — gross!Copy !req
317. And the judges love it!Copy !req
318. I'm absolutely
losing my mind here!Copy !req
319. Are we about to see
the world's first brain flex?Copy !req
320. Francine's extreme exertion
during the competitionCopy !req
321. caused her to
have an aneurysm.Copy !req
322. She's in a coma.Copy !req
323. This is totally
my fault.Copy !req
324. If only I hadn't
strong-armed my wayCopy !req
325. into that
bodybuilding competition.Copy !req
326. Sir, please stop posing.Copy !req
327. I can't. This is shaking me
to the core!Copy !req
328. Stan, snap out of it!Copy !req
329. Don't you understand,
Franny's in trouble!Copy !req
330. Yah!Copy !req
331. Roger,
snap out of it!Copy !req
332. These machines are
keeping her alive!Copy !req
333. Is she gonna live?Copy !req
334. Well, that depends.Copy !req
335. Is she a fighter?Copy !req
336. Hell yeah, she is!Copy !req
337. Or... a quitter?Copy !req
338. Oooooh.Copy !req
339. A q-q-quitter, that's, uh, an
interesting word to choose,Copy !req
340. given, uh, it's been a-a recent,
uh, bone of contention,Copy !req
341. uh, between
me and my wife.Copy !req
342. Are you guys on drugs?Copy !req
343. - Very much.
- Yes. An incredible amount. Yes.Copy !req
344. She's unresponsive.Copy !req
345. But it doesn't mean
she's not in there.Copy !req
346. It all began when I was 15.Copy !req
347. I begged my mom for a drum kit,
and she got it for me.Copy !req
348. I was going to be
the world's best female drummer.Copy !req
349. Big drum, big drum, middle one,
little one, foot drum,Copy !req
350. metal thing, metal thing,
no mistakes!Copy !req
351. That was my dream.Copy !req
352. But instead of practicing,
I got real high.Copy !req
353. But this isn't about drugs.Copy !req
354. This is about me quitting.Copy !req
355. And I quit everything.Copy !req
356. Two years later,
I wanted to become a chef.Copy !req
357. Chop, chop, sizzle, sizzle!Copy !req
358. Working at Applebee's
is not as glamorousCopy !req
359. as it's chopped up to be.Copy !req
360. I quit!Copy !req
361. Yo soy.Copy !req
362. Yo soy.Copy !req
363. Tu eres.Copy !req
364. Too much!Copy !req
365. How do you say
"quit" in Spanish?Copy !req
366. I don't know.Copy !req
367. Are you getting it yet?Copy !req
368. So when I started bodybuilding,Copy !req
369. I made a promise
I wouldn't quit.Copy !req
370. But guess what?Copy !req
371. My body quit on me.Copy !req
372. Isn't that the most Francine
thing you ever heard?Copy !req
373. Bingah!Copy !req
374. Pac-Man game over sound.Copy !req
375. Now, that my body's given up,Copy !req
376. maybe it's time
for my spirit to quit, too.Copy !req
377. This is bullshit!Copy !req
378. Who's heckling me?Copy !req
379. I'm trying to end this!Copy !req
380. It's not over!Copy !req
381. Stan?Copy !req
382. I'm sorry I made you feel bad
about quitting.Copy !req
383. Quitting's not so bad.Copy !req
384. It means you have
a curious mind.Copy !req
385. And you want to taste everything
life has to offer.Copy !req
386. Plus,
you never quit me.Copy !req
387. Even though
you probably should have.Copy !req
388. I do stupid stuff.Copy !req
389. You do
do stupid stuff.Copy !req
390. Shut the up!Copy !req
391. Oh, Francine, I can't lose you.
I need you!Copy !req
392. Stan...
I got to end my show.Copy !req
393. Don't do it.
Don't go!Copy !req
394. If you all think this show'sCopy !req
395. coming to some
exciting conclusion,Copy !req
396. you haven't been
paying attention.Copy !req
397. It ends like everything ends.Copy !req
398. With me quitting.Copy !req
399. Being in a coma!Copy !req
400. Geez! A little warning
next time, Francine!Copy !req
401. - She's awake!
- Mommy!Copy !req
402. I'm sorry, it's time
to pull the plugCopy !req
403. and end this
morbid charade.Copy !req
404. Your wife
is never going to —Copy !req
405. Oh, she woke up!Copy !req
406. I did it again.
I saved a life. Yes!Copy !req
407. But some sad news.Copy !req
408. Earlier today,
Dusty Baker drownedCopy !req
409. in a giant fish bowl
of his own creation.Copy !req
410. No!Copy !req
411. Bye-bye! See you soon!Copy !req