American Dad! 15x12

Directed by Josue Cervantes

Rafi Silver as Delivery Guy (voice) • Judy Greer as Waitress (voice) • Tom Hollander as Townsperson (voice) • Fred Tatasciore as Biker Shop Guy (voice) • Matt E. Mixer as Townsperson (voice)

Roger becomes worried about outliving the family; Klaus opens a convenience store in the attic.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Isn't this great?

2. I said I wanted to get more involved in Steve's school,

3. and look at me now!

4. Sitting front row at a PTA meeting.

5. And you wore the pink dress. Excellent choice.

6. All right.

7. The big item on our agenda tonight

8. is finding a replacement for our guidance counselor, Sheila.

9. So, unless anyone has any other business —Smut!

10. Our children are being corrupted by smut!

11. It's everywhere! Just look at this pervert!

12. Calls herself a librarian!

13. I call her a smut peddler!

14. The name's Clum Bizzelskottom,

15. and I say we burn all the books in the library!

16. Finally, someone said it!

17. But then what will my children read?

18. Glad you asked.

19. They're gonna read new books — my books!

20. I rewrote all of the classics,

21. but took out all the dongs.

22. Who needs The Great Gatsby

23. when they have The Greatest Gatsby?

24. Totally smut-free. Clean as a freshly washed dong.

25. Other classics I've sanitized —

26. Uncle Tom's Luxurious Ski Chalet,

27. Little Women,

28. and Moby Dickless.

29. What a presentation!

30. Principal Loomis, write this good man a check!

31. Sorry. I-I wasn't paying attention.

32. I have something caught in my teeth.

33. Hmm, but it's not food.

34. Hmm. Have you tried using your fingernail?

35. Ah.

36. Well, I'll be!

37. It's dollhouse furniture.

38. Francine, that was great advice.

39. Hey! Youshould be our new guidance counselor.

40. Really? I guess I could.

41. All in favor of Francine and the new expensive books?

42. We did it, Francine! We screwed the school!

43. Yay!

44. Aah!

45. Ready to guide.

46. All right, Sheila, I had the dream again.

47. The one about Snot.

48. But this time, my mom was there.

49. She was super naked and sucking on a garden hose!

50. Steve, stop talking!

51. Mom? Where's Sheila?

52. I guess she left.

53. Oh, good for her.

54. You know, I'd walk into this office every day,

55. praying she wouldn't be here.

56. She must have done it.

57. She must have run off with that 10th-grader she's in love with.

58. Well, I'll get going.

59. Probably shouldn't use my mom as a therapist.

60. I'm fine with it. Me, too!

61. So, what's in the news?

62. Oh, did I tell you that I've been named head designer

63. for the French Club Fashion Show?

64. Oh. I can help with this.

65. You're worried your classmates

66. are gonna think that's really lame.

67. Well, there's no shame in dropping out.

68. Who cares what people think?

69. Fashion design is in my soul.

70. If you don't express what's in your soul,

71. you might as well be dead.

72. Okay.

73. But have you considered

74. your soul expressing something cool instead?

75. Something cooler than knowing the difference

76. between narrow striped silk and warp-woven satin?

77. What — Ha — Is there such a thing?

78. Yes. No.

79. You're right to be worried about Steve.

80. If he does that fashion show,

81. the Golden Girls are gonna tear him apart.

82. The Golden Girls?

83. The coolest and the cruelest kids

84. this school has ever seen.

85. Dorothy, Blanche, and the queen bee, Sophia.

86. They're bad-ass —

87. just look at their signature haircuts.

88. I'm sorry.

89. Are you a janitor who's taking pictures of the students?

90. It's a persona.

91. These girls don't just break the rules,

92. they makethe rules.

93. They wear men's boxer briefs

94. as shorts over one-piece bathing suits.

95. They roll their own tampons.

96. And they all have matching gold bowling jackets,

97. even though they don't bowl...

98. or get cold.

99. Oh, my God.

100. It's the archery team all over again!

101. They ran my high school.

102. Preyed on anyone who dared to be a little different.

103. My mom packed me a new dessert.

104. It's called tir-a-ma-su?

105. I'm excited but a little nervous to try it.

106. Get your ethnic shit out of here!

107. We eat cake!

108. Hey, nice shot.

109. You guys want to hang out sometime?

110. Beat it, four-eyes. I'm with the cools now.

111. God, they were the best.

112. The only way to survive people like that

113. is to keep your head down.

114. And since Steve won't, he's gonna need my help.

115. I'll talk to these Golden Girls.

116. Tell 'em to chill out.

117. Go nuts, bitch.

118. Whoa!

119. Babe, I held it in all night!

120. That's awesome, babe.

121. Babe, is today free day at the zoo?

122. You know it, babe. Tuesday's Zoos-day.

123. Yes!

124. I love going to the zoo.

125. The drinking fountains are so cold there.

126. Do you think it's water from the polar bear thing?

127. Babe? Where's my hat?

128. I don't know.

129. And I don't know.

130. Huh. No hat.

131. No hat.

132. I can feel the wind blowing across my brain!

133. How do you live like this?

134. I have a headband.

135. Francine, I forgot to tell you

136. the coolest thing about the Golden Girls.

137. Their parents buy them lighters!

138. Hey, gals, what's the haps?

139. I'm the new "G" to the "C" — that's guidance counselor.

140. I love...

141. your beard.

142. I hope I can grow sick facial hair like that

143. when I'm a crusty, old Debbie like you.

144. Oh, my God!

145. S'up, Debbie.

146. Bye, Debbie.

147. Their word arrows hurt worse

148. than the archery team's real arrows.

149. Doing a great job, Francine.

150. This doesn't make any sense.

151. Where's my hat?

152. I'm gonna go look downstairs.

153. Why would it be downstairs?

154. I don't know! I'm just trying to help!

155. Then how about finding my hat!

156. Do you think it's my fault that my parents are getting divorced?

157. The Golden Girls are so cool.

158. I think they hate me. What do you think?

159. I'm thinking about running away.

160. Sure, that'll solve all yourproblems.

161. But I can't run away. I work here, sort of.

162. But there is one thing I can do.

163. Roger, would you mind taking over?

164. Okay, run away dos and don'ts.

165. Dopair up with an older gentleman.

166. Don'tbe afraid to be choosy.

167. Remember, you'rethe catch.

168. What up, sluts?

169. Let me guess — You're gonna bust us for ditching?

170. Nah, betch. I'm ditching, too.

171. Your hair.

172. Oh, this? This is just my regular haircut.

173. Oh, don't worry.

174. I don't think you guys copied me or anything.

175. 'Scuse me a sec.

176. Hmm. Maybe you aren't such a crusty, old Debbie after all.

177. Excuse me.

178. JV? But I'm a senior!

179. I covered your 10:00 with Sheldon.

180. I'm concerned. He has a lot of demons.

181. And for some reason, he carries a bag of forks around.

182. I like that.

183. What's with this?

184. Oh, this?

185. It's, uh, just something I did.

186. And how does this help Steve?

187. Steve from home?

188. Oh!

189. Yeah. That's why I did this.

190. Because...

191. the Golden Girls are...

192. the main threat,

193. so I have to get in good with them

194. to help Steve from home!

195. Ta-da!

196. Okay.

197. Sure.

198. Look what I found!

199. There you are!

200. Never do that to me again.

201. What did you do?

202. What do you mean? I found your hat.

203. This isn't my hat.

204. It's a fake.

205. How could you?

206. How dare you?

207. Jeff, I am so sorry.

208. I was just trying to make you happy.

209. And I thought if I bought you a new hat,

210. we could visit the zoo, like we planned.

211. "Visit the zoo"? We belong in the zoo!

212. The only thing that separates us from the animals

213. is our hats!

214. Why is Wonder Woman's underwear on that huge pole outside?

215. That's the flag. Gross.

216. Yeah, thanks for letting us skip history, Francine.

217. History is so stupid.

218. If that stuff is so great,

219. how come we're not still doing it?

220. I do like the name Benedict Arnold, though.

221. That would be a boss name for, like, a massive bulldog.

222. On a scale of one to French, how do I look today?

223. Oh, pardonnez-moi.

224. I didn't realize you were guiding the young mademoiselles.

225. Francine, do you know that dweeb?

226. H-He's my... friend Stan's kid.

227. Like, 10 years ago, he drew a picture of me,

228. and it was, like, a circle on top of a triangle.

229. It's like, "Uh... thanks?"

230. Okay, you're kind of my favorite person right now.

231. Guys...

232. So, we never do this, but...

233. do you want to come hang out

234. at Blanche's dad's lake house this weekend?

235. My boyfriend drowned there last summer,

236. so the cops let us drive around doing whip-its.

237. That sounds like a blast!

238. Okay, don't pee yourself over it.

239. I only pee when I dump.

240. You're going to Blanche's dad's lake house?

241. It that like a field trip?

242. I don't think you're allowed

243. to go out of town with the students.

244. What are you, the rule book?

245. It just seems like you're always with them.

246. Uh, yeah. We go to the same school.

247. But I go to that school,

248. and you won't even wave back to me in the hall.

249. I'm getting in good with them for you.

250. Oh, mon dieu!

251. You're getting them to come to my fashion show!

252. Wha? They'd never go to that...

253. without your mother going to the lake house

254. and talking them into it!

255. Thank you, Mom!

256. Okay, don't pee yourself over it.

257. Is there something a little different about Francine?

258. She seems cooler somehow.

259. Wake up, bro.

260. Francine is, like, the coolest girl in school.

261. She will be mine.

262. All I have to do is figure out where Steve goes to school.

263. The moon looks so stupid up close.

264. Get away from me.

265. Sometimes I wish the moon drowned in that lake

266. instead of Austin.

267. Hey, Francine, why aren't you making fun of the moon?

268. Sorry, guys.

269. I guess I'm just thinking about something.

270. Oh, no. Why?

271. I promised one of the students

272. I'd go to his stupid fashion show.

273. Oh! You know what would be hilarious?

274. Like, if we all had sex

275. with that cop who looks like my step-dad?

276. Uh...

277. I was thinking more like

278. we go to the fashion show and clap,

279. but our secret joke — never to be revealed —

280. would be that we thought it was stupid.

281. Like the moon.

282. Oh, yeah, totally. Dumb moon.

283. The moon is such a Debbie.

284. There she is.

285. She is so cool!

286. Francine, hi! It's me — Stan!

287. I was at your wedding!

288. She's looking. Pretend I said something funny.

289. We're the guys who are always laughing.

290. Isn't this hilarious?

291. It will be — when you dump clam chowder on his head.

292. Pull the rope. It'll be hilarious.

293. Um...

294. Why is she not doing what you say?

295. I guess she doesn't want this.

296. I'd get to be a Golden Girl?

297. Cream-covered boy?

298. Cream-covered boy.

299. Wait a minute. This has to be a trap.

300. But, then again, it's better to know.

301. You look great, Francine.

302. You look like you got hit by a bag of dicks, Dorothy.

303. Oh, hi, Francine.

304. Aw, man!

305. They put my name backwards.

306. Steve killed himself!

307. What? Is the type of thing you might hear,

308. considering what you did to him yesterday.

309. What were you thinking?

310. Oh, my God, Roger, I'm a monster!

311. What am I gonna do?

312. I don't effing know! This is a disaster.

313. I think I have to apologize to Steve.

314. Oh. Yeah, that'll work.

315. Hey, Steve?

316. Are you okay, hon?

317. Oh, hey, Mom. Yeah, I'm good.

318. I was just smelling my pillow super hard.

319. Have you ever wondered what dreams smell like?

320. I think they smell like this.

321. What's up?

322. I... wanted to talk to you about what happened

323. at the French Club Fashion Show.

324. Oh, what a disaster.

325. Barry ate the baguette instead of walking with it,

326. and, of course, all my friends are just ugly,

327. so that hurt the fashion in the end, unfortunately.

328. No, Steve, the chowder.

329. That was me.

330. I'm so, so sorry.

331. Oh, I knew that.

332. You're not mad?

333. Nah. I wasn't even covered in chowder for that long.

334. Roger and who I assume are the other janitors

335. licked it clean off me.

336. Small price to pay for getting to express what's in my soul.

337. Wow.

338. You really don't care what people think.

339. Can you teach me?

340. I can teach you what Sheila taught me.

341. She had a pretty good reputation as a guidance counselor

342. until she sent pictures of her butthole

343. to that sophomore.

344. Hmm.

345. Maybe you could do that for me.

346. The guidance part.

347. Go away!

348. Don't shut me out, Jeff!

349. I'm so sorry you lost your hat.

350. But we'll get through this — together!

351. I love you, babe.

352. Okay, Francine, let's talk about why you're such a Debbie.

353. I'm not a Debbie!

354. It's important to be honest in here.

355. Okay, maybe I'm a Debbie.

356. But when I was in high school, they called it being a Herb.

357. Who called you a Herb — bitches?

358. Yes! The archery team.

359. I never expressed myself

360. because I was always afraid they might think I was lame.

361. I see.

362. Well, what would you have done

363. if there were no archery team?

364. Break dance.

365. Oh, you're serious. Hmm.

366. Oh, my God! You're judging me.

367. And that shouldn't matter because...?

368. Because break dancing is in my soul.

369. That's right!

370. Hmm, I'm pretty good at this therapy thing.

371. Hey, Mertz, tell me your problem.

372. My foster father adopted me for the money,

373. and now he beats me with a wrench.

374. Out of my depth immediately!

375. ♪ Check it out

376. Are — Are you all right?

377. Did — Did they love it?

378. It was terrible.

379. But that's not the important part.

380. Thank you. You're right.

381. You guys, I'm starting to think

382. that she's friends with that dweeb.

383. Well, for your information, this isn't my dweeb friend.

384. He's my dweeb son.

385. And he doesn't care what other people think.

386. But I do.

387. Uh-oh.

388. And next time you mess with a Debbie,

389. make sure it's not a grown-ass Debbie

390. with access to your confidential psychological assessments.

391. Mom, you don't have to do this.

392. You can walk away knowing you showed everyone your true self.

393. Yeah, but I didn't show my true self.

394. I'm not a dancer.

395. I'm a bad bitch

396. who lays waste to her enemies.

397. Blanche, you transferred from your last school

398. because the kids found out that you carried around

399. a piece of your own shit in your backpack!

400. Ew!

401. Sophia, you were taken away from your parents

402. because they are brother and sister.

403. And Dorothy...

404. Let me guess — You figured out

405. Austin's death wasn't an accident.

406. No.

407. Your file just says you grind your teeth.

408. Did you murder someone?

409. She grinds her teeth!

410. The Golden Girls are a bunch of losers!

411. Their reign of terror is over!

412. The age of Mertz begins now!

413. Francine!

414. Francine!

415. Will you go to the prom with me?

416. Stan, we're already married.

417. That's not a yes, but that's not a no.

418. Now start laughing.

419. Are you sure this is a thing that works?

420. I'm scared.

421. I understand.

422. But our new life begins today.

423. Welcome to Lids. I'm Parker.

424. What can I help you find today?

425. Bye! Have a beautiful time!

426. —Captions by VITAC—