1. Tell me I'm wrong, 'cause I'm
never wrong about oatmeal.Copy !req
2. You know, you really can
taste a differenceCopy !req
3. with the steel-cut.Copy !req
4. Thank you.Copy !req
5. Thank you for trusting meCopy !req
6. to take you on this
breakfast journey.Copy !req
7. Shit!Copy !req
8. Uh, excuse you.Copy !req
9. They did it.
They finally did it.Copy !req
10. Finally made a Junior Jumble
you couldn't master, huh?Copy !req
11. Here,
let me take a look.Copy !req
12. They freakin' did it!Copy !req
13. Did what?Copy !req
14. The Langley Falls Art Museum
has acquired the paintings...Copy !req
15. of Reynolds...Copy !req
16. Jasperterian.
- Who's that?Copy !req
17. It's philistine attitudes
like thatCopy !req
18. that have kept this rinky-dink
burg off the cultural map!Copy !req
19. Roger, please, your tone!Copy !req
20. You know who's the best artist?
Gary Larson.Copy !req
21. He took us all to the far side
and kept us chuckling.Copy !req
22. You know, Roger,Copy !req
23. I knew
Reynolds Jasperterian.Copy !req
24. You did?Copy !req
25. Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.Copy !req
26. Francine,
do we have any honey?Copy !req
27. What?Copy !req
28. You knew
Reynolds Jasperterian?Copy !req
29. Knew him?
He painted my portrait.Copy !req
30. Ahem!Copy !req
31. The Smiths are going
to the art museum!Copy !req
32. That includes me.
I took Hayley's last name.Copy !req
33. I'm the wife!Copy !req
34. Aah!Copy !req
35. Fearing it was
hurting his art,Copy !req
36. Jasperterian spurned the party
scene of New York City.Copy !req
37. But he died anyway of
party-related diseasesCopy !req
38. in the arms of the wife he had
so often humiliated.Copy !req
39. Roger, I'm surprised.Copy !req
40. I thought Reynolds Jasperterian
was gonna be you.Copy !req
41. I gotta tell you,
I did, too.Copy !req
42. "I capture forever and shareCopy !req
43. the most exceptional beauty
in the world."Copy !req
44. Oh, Reynolds.Copy !req
45. Big whoop.
I'm in the CIA.Copy !req
46. What's this line for?Copy !req
47. To see Jasperterian's
masterpiece.Copy !req
48. Does it have two funny animals
and a joke?Copy !req
49. A fat kid wearing glassesCopy !req
50. and a hilarious
observation underneath?Copy !req
51. If not,
I'm like that T. RexCopy !req
52. watching the asteroid
hurl towards earth.Copy !req
53. "Uh, check, please."Copy !req
54. No!Copy !req
55. It's his "Portrait of
Francine's Genitals."Copy !req
56. Wait, what?Copy !req
57. Astounding.Copy !req
58. What an achievement.Copy !req
59. No!Copy !req
60. All of you, stop looking!Copy !req
61. Don't look at this!
This is private!Copy !req
62. Take your eyes off this!Copy !req
63. Clean-up on aisle
mid-century, post-Modernism.Copy !req
64. Nobody look!Copy !req
65. Oh, yeah, I forgot
to tell you kids,Copy !req
66. the portrait is of my box.Copy !req
67. I can't unsee
any of this, can I?Copy !req
68. Where did you get
that falafel pita?Copy !req
69. I had it
in my pocket.Copy !req
70. Ah. Stan Smith,Copy !req
71. the fellow whose wife's pudenda
we all sawCopy !req
72. on the wall
of the art museum.Copy !req
73. I also got the tote bag.Copy !req
74. And I stuffed it
with zucchinis.Copy !req
75. I thought last year's Matisse
exhibition was a thrill.Copy !req
76. But to witness a Jasperterian
in person.Copy !req
77. You shut your filthy mouth!Copy !req
78. Oh, yes.Copy !req
79. It's going to be
a very amusing day.Copy !req
80. Oh, what a day.Copy !req
81. This is some day,
I'll tell ya.Copy !req
82. Steve, what are you doing
out there?Copy !req
83. Yeah, you're usually
in your room,Copy !req
84. moaning at some
mysterious activity.Copy !req
85. Well, I had my normal afternoon
all planned out.Copy !req
86. Shades were drawn,Copy !req
87. my favorite pages were
bookmarked and waiting for me.Copy !req
88. My Korean micro-fiber
polishing mittenCopy !req
89. rinsed out and almost dry.Copy !req
90. I untied the drawstring of
my loose-fitting Gypsy pants.Copy !req
91. Okay, set the scene less.Copy !req
92. But there was one problem.Copy !req
93. No matter what I looked at,
all I saw was...Copy !req
94. that painting.Copy !req
95. I think I'm broken!Copy !req
96. It's no big deal, Steve.Copy !req
97. Mom's always flashing me
that thing.Copy !req
98. "Does this look right
to you?"Copy !req
99. Ew.Copy !req
100. Maybe you can use your newfound
time to help people.Copy !req
101. Like how I'm helping Jeff
with his coloring.Copy !req
102. I'm ready for red now.Copy !req
103. Are you sure you're done
with the green?Copy !req
104. Wait!
One more thing.Copy !req
105. You!Copy !req
106. You embarrassed me in front
of everybody!Copy !req
107. By making London broil?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
108. Don't drag your delicious
London broilCopy !req
109. into a conversation
about that filthy painting!Copy !req
110. Are you still upset
about that?Copy !req
111. That painting
was years ago.Copy !req
112. Besides, it's an honor
to inspire great art.Copy !req
113. I don't intend to share
my propertyCopy !req
114. with the low-brow pond scum
that frequent art museums.Copy !req
115. I'm sorry, Stan, did you say
your property?Copy !req
116. Well, yeah.
That part of you is owned by me.Copy !req
117. That's what our wedding
was all about, right?Copy !req
118. I hope you can learn to enjoy
the portrait, Stan,Copy !req
119. because you don't deserve
to enjoy the real thing!Copy !req
120. Francine, wait!Copy !req
121. Oh, hi, Francine.
Excited for that London broil.Copy !req
122. Oh, okay, you're
storming upstairs.Copy !req
123. Francine!Copy !req
124. She stormed upstairs
in a huff, Stan!Copy !req
125. Oh, but maybe you'd like
to come in,Copy !req
126. chat with your friend Klaus,
maybe clean my bowl!Copy !req
127. Yeah, maybe.
Let me think it over.Copy !req
128. Okay.Copy !req
129. It's just that Roger's
minor-league baseball characterCopy !req
130. Rusty Buntafolio spits tobacco
in my bowl when he's frustrated.Copy !req
131. Oh, hey, Rusty.
How was the game?Copy !req
132. Horrible!Copy !req
133. They pulled me
after one pitch.Copy !req
134. My arm feels like
a sock full of sand.Copy !req
135. They're sending me down
to Delmarva, I just know it.Copy !req
136. Rusty, please!Copy !req
137. I don't understand!
You have an empty Slurpee cup!Copy !req
138. It's so brave, you know.Copy !req
139. To empower a woman's body
through art.Copy !req
140. Yeah. I-I love how —
how it's so feminist.Copy !req
141. We're just friends,
Duncan.Copy !req
142. Right, right,
definitely.Copy !req
143. Hey.Copy !req
144. Is this truly
a great painting?Copy !req
145. Um, yeah.
Definitely.Copy !req
146. I-I mean, the way the artist
takes her most private spaceCopy !req
147. and exposes it
for all of us to consume.Copy !req
148. You sick little man!Copy !req
149. Oh!Copy !req
150. Not in front
of my girlfriend!Copy !req
151. Your what?Copy !req
152. My nothing.Copy !req
153. Art fan, huh?
Me too.Copy !req
154. I love art.
Stealing it, that is.Copy !req
155. Tato Montacello —
art heist guy.Copy !req
156. Of course!
Steal the painting!Copy !req
157. Exactly.Copy !req
158. And I'm gonna help ya,
because, are you ready?Copy !req
159. This is a good one.Copy !req
160. I cannot believe this hasn't
been in a movie already.Copy !req
161. Stealing art is
the greatest art of all.Copy !req
162. Oh, screw you, Stan!Copy !req
163. If Gary Larson drew a cow
with curlers in its hairCopy !req
164. saying that,
you'd be dying!Copy !req
165. "Check, please."Copy !req
166. So, you want to steal
a painting.Copy !req
167. Well, you're gonna
need a crew.Copy !req
168. And the crew is here
in Monaco?Copy !req
169. Oh, we're just in Monaco
because MonacoCopy !req
170. is where you have
this conversation.Copy !req
171. Most of the crew
is Jersey-based.Copy !req
172. Now, you need a crew
you can trust.Copy !req
173. But trust
among art thieves?Copy !req
174. Let's just say it's rarer
than a Picasso.Copy !req
175. Are Picassos rare?Copy !req
176. Wait, we could have had this
conversation in the kitchen?Copy !req
177. Oh, please! You wanted this
trip, you needed this trip.Copy !req
178. What, with the stress you have
going on with the painting.Copy !req
179. Stan, trust me,
you needed to relax.Copy !req
180. And the walking tour?
You didn't enjoy that?Copy !req
181. I was impressed
by the walking tour.Copy !req
182. Exactly!Copy !req
183. That's the Monaco most tourists
don't get to see.Copy !req
184. Anyway, we should really
be getting back.Copy !req
185. Our flight's in, like,
an hour and a half.Copy !req
186. Damn it, we're gonna be late!
Hold on!Copy !req
187. Are you crying?Copy !req
188. What?
Of course not!Copy !req
189. Because Stan and Roger
have time to fly to MonacoCopy !req
190. but no time to change
my bowl water?Copy !req
191. You think
I'm crying because of that?Copy !req
192. Helping Klaus.Copy !req
193. That could count
as helping people.Copy !req
194. Oh, it definitely counts.Copy !req
195. Don't doubt yourself
for a second.Copy !req
196. Helping others
is my new hobby —Copy !req
197. ever since I saw the painting
of Mom's junk.Copy !req
198. Sure, sure.
Whatever road brought you here.Copy !req
199. Ugh!
This is filthy!Copy !req
200. Shouldn't you have a bowl
with a filter?Copy !req
201. All that aquarium stuff?Copy !req
202. Yes.
Yes, I should.Copy !req
203. But that might
be expensive.Copy !req
204. Let's agree to go to the store,
but maybe not buy anything.Copy !req
205. Yes!
A small win for Klaus!Copy !req
206. He was a phenomenal talent,Copy !req
207. but to me,
he was just... Reynolds.Copy !req
208. Mmm, yes. And you'd say
you opened up to him.Copy !req
209. I admit this is
the Art History minor talking,Copy !req
210. but I would really like
to hear aboutCopy !req
211. Jasperterian's ideas on —Copy !req
212. You shut your filthy mouth,
Dick!Copy !req
213. - Stan!
- Relax, Smith.Copy !req
214. Just art lovers discussing
the glorious paintingCopy !req
215. of your wife's thingamaboo.Copy !req
216. Although I must apologize
for Dick.Copy !req
217. He was out of line.Copy !req
218. Well, we're off to the
Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Met.Copy !req
219. With any luck,
that will get us hard.Copy !req
220. Francine, can't you see
you're embarrassing me?Copy !req
221. Genitals aren't something that
should be shown to the world!Copy !req
222. They're not called
show-nitals.Copy !req
223. The term "genitals" comes from
the Aladdin word genie,Copy !req
224. and like a genie,Copy !req
225. they should only come out
when they're rubbed.Copy !req
226. Stan, you're embarrassing
yourself.Copy !req
227. Tato Montacello, art heist —Copy !req
228. Wait, did I already do
my introduction?Copy !req
229. Yeah, we went to Monaco.Copy !req
230. Really? Long way to go
to meet somebody.Copy !req
231. Anyway, tonight, we make
that painting disappear!Copy !req
232. To pull off this heist,
we need muscle.Copy !req
233. The Ignatiev Twins weigh
700 pounds combinedCopy !req
234. and grew up eating
raw horse meat in Dagestan.Copy !req
235. They still love horse meat —
it's disgusting.Copy !req
236. Their breath smells
like horse meat.Copy !req
237. Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.Copy !req
238. Next, we need a lockpick.Copy !req
239. Claude Verdeer is the BelgianCopy !req
240. with the smallest fingers
in the world.Copy !req
241. It's gross, and he always wants
to shake hands.Copy !req
242. But I know he can tell that
I don't want to shake hands.Copy !req
243. Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.Copy !req
244. Then we'll need
an explosives guy.Copy !req
245. We can either get
Bang Bang Fukanawa or Josh.Copy !req
246. Fine,
get Bang Bang Fukanawa.Copy !req
247. Wait, why do we need
an explosives guy?Copy !req
248. Won't the Belgian guy
get us in?Copy !req
249. Hmm. Good point.Copy !req
250. I thought we agreed
no explosives guy.Copy !req
251. Right.Copy !req
252. Josh, wait!Copy !req
253. Josh,
the guy we didn't need,Copy !req
254. was supposed to be
Bang Bang Fukanawa.Copy !req
255. Oh, so I was
second choice?Copy !req
256. Look, you're here
and he's not.Copy !req
257. Chicharito, the Guatemalan
contortionist.Copy !req
258. Finally, we need a sexually
explosive, unpredictable woman.Copy !req
259. Tato, is PayPal.Copy !req
260. Payment no go through.Copy !req
261. Hmm.Copy !req
262. Well, do you accept...
karate chops?Copy !req
263. Stan, finish him off.Copy !req
264. That's the last time
you screw me, Tato.Copy !req
265. Mmm!Copy !req
266. Maybe one more time.Copy !req
267. Hey!Copy !req
268. Okay, let's give each other
notes on the heist.Copy !req
269. Stan, good job,
but I thoughtCopy !req
270. you could have worn
a better outfit.Copy !req
271. What else?
I'd work with Josh again.Copy !req
272. Look, thanks for the help,
Roger, but this is a solo job.Copy !req
273. A solo job?Copy !req
274. Sounds like Steve before he got
into helping people.Copy !req
275. I wonder if he's still
doing that.Copy !req
276. Aah!Copy !req
277. We're talking top to bottom
tank renovation here.Copy !req
278. Steve,
what's gotten into you?Copy !req
279. Your skin is clearer,
your voice sounds deeper.Copy !req
280. Oh, it started happeningCopy !req
281. once I stopped touching myself
all the time.Copy !req
282. Funny, I find
the more I touch myself,Copy !req
283. the deeper my voice gets.Copy !req
284. Now, let's talk about
premium aquarium filters.Copy !req
285. Sounds like what you want
is a Tunze AquaWind.Copy !req
286. You sure?Copy !req
287. 'Cause I been hearing good
things about the new DeSanio's.Copy !req
288. Sure,Copy !req
289. if you want to replace it
every four weeks.Copy !req
290. Sounds like I better do
a little more research.Copy !req
291. You know, it's really weird that
you own an aquarium store.Copy !req
292. The regulars here think
it's weird I'm a principal.Copy !req
293. Excuse me.
I'd like to see somebodyCopy !req
294. about getting a painting
taken down.Copy !req
295. I'm sick of arguing about it
with my husband.Copy !req
296. It makes him...
uncomfortable.Copy !req
297. An uncomfortable husband?Copy !req
298. The director will want to hear
about this straightaway!Copy !req
299. Excuse me, are you...
crying?Copy !req
300. Uh, yes, I suppose I was.Copy !req
301. It's just this reminds me
of my genitalsCopy !req
302. when they were young
and flush.Copy !req
303. Are you copying
this painting?Copy !req
304. Trying.
It's an assignment for class.Copy !req
305. "Copy the Masters."Copy !req
306. But, gosh,
I'm no Jasperterian.Copy !req
307. How did he know
what to leave out?Copy !req
308. It's boota-ful!Copy !req
309. There you are.Copy !req
310. Our director will see you
in just a moment.Copy !req
311. The woman changed her mind.Copy !req
312. Sylvia,
we have an intercom.Copy !req
313. That portrait certainly does
inspire intense fascination.Copy !req
314. Last night, we had
a thwarted robbery attempt.Copy !req
315. Oh, no!Copy !req
316. I'm afraid so.Copy !req
317. Hence the need for another
security guard.Copy !req
318. We're lucky you walked in.Copy !req
319. And with your CIA experience.Copy !req
320. Now, you do resemble a maniac
our guards —Copy !req
321. Right, but as I explained,Copy !req
322. that man did not have
a mustache.Copy !req
323. He did, however,
have a flag pin.Copy !req
324. But...Copy !req
325. But...Copy !req
326. he did not have a mustache.Copy !req
327. And I can see that you do.Copy !req
328. You're hired, Stan.Copy !req
329. Or should I say,
Mr. Night Watchman?Copy !req
330. Yeesh.
Kind of creepy in here at night.Copy !req
331. You like looking at my wife?Copy !req
332. Huh, you little perv?Copy !req
333. Well, it's over!Copy !req
334. I'm gonna take this painting
home and destroy it!Copy !req
335. Ah, that was easy.Copy !req
336. Did you hear
what that oaf said?Copy !req
337. I'm not interested
in his wife's vagina.Copy !req
338. I'm completely homosexual.Copy !req
339. All art is gay.Copy !req
340. Where the
are my arms?Copy !req
341. A shocking crime
at the Langley Museum.Copy !req
342. The famous "Portrait of
Francine's Genitals" —Copy !req
343. Hi, Francine! —
has been stolen.Copy !req
344. He made me feel
so beautiful.Copy !req
345. Francine, we already lost
the painting.Copy !req
346. Don't go losing your cool.Copy !req
347. Stan, have you seen
my lucky jock strap?Copy !req
348. The rumors are true,
I'm Delmarva-bound.Copy !req
349. Hey, the painting we stole!
Are you torching it?Copy !req
350. This painting has brought me
nothing but embarrassment.Copy !req
351. I don't want anyone
to ever see it again.Copy !req
352. Not even one person,Copy !req
353. like a rich, shady buyer
with 100K to burn?Copy !req
354. He's not gonna want anyone
to know he has it.Copy !req
355. No one else
would ever see it.Copy !req
356. Hmm.Copy !req
357. I'm calling
my coke dealer.Copy !req
358. Wow, he can afford
the painting?Copy !req
359. Oh, yeah, maybe he could buy
the painting!Copy !req
360. Hi, I have some, uh,
pretty serious concernsCopy !req
361. about the flow through
on the 6500.Copy !req
362. Sounds like
you know your stuff.Copy !req
363. Here at Tunze, we pride
ourselves on flow throughCopy !req
364. and will beat any competitor
on suction.Copy !req
365. Ha ha.
Wha-what was that?Copy !req
366. Why don't I walk you
through it?Copy !req
367. What's your name?Copy !req
368. - I-I'm Steve.
- I'm Lindsey.Copy !req
369. Well, actually,
we're up to the 6900 now.Copy !req
370. That baby
satisfies everyone.Copy !req
371. It gobbles up
dirt and filth,Copy !req
372. and when you can see
the chambersCopy !req
373. about to be at overflow,Copy !req
374. you just shoot it all
out the release shaft.Copy !req
375. Oh. Oh, okay.Copy !req
376. Would you mind
actually walking meCopy !req
377. through a couple
other models?Copy !req
378. Yeah, yeah, this is what I
should have in my loft, man.Copy !req
379. This is what
I should have —Copy !req
380. a big painting of
a woman's just, thingCopy !req
381. just hanging
right there, right?Copy !req
382. Yep, exactly.
Listen, could we hurry this up?Copy !req
383. I-I really can't
have my wife —Copy !req
384. Stan, have you seen Rusty's
lucky jock strap?Copy !req
385. What is that?Copy !req
386. - Um...
- You stole the painting?Copy !req
387. Oh, man!Copy !req
388. What a busted scene.Copy !req
389. Get out of here,
Delmonico!Copy !req
390. You know Delmonico?Copy !req
391. Everybody
knows Delmonico!Copy !req
392. Francine, I can explain.Copy !req
393. At least when you wanted
to get rid of it,Copy !req
394. it was about privacy!Copy !req
395. But now, trying to sell it
to our coke dealer?Copy !req
396. I see you don't have
any principles at all!Copy !req
397. Oh, ho, wow.Copy !req
398. Well, I'm gonna go see if I can
sell Francine some drugs.Copy !req
399. What am I doing here?
I need a hard look at myself.Copy !req
400. You sure do.Copy !req
401. Hey, would it be funny
if I was an airplane?Copy !req
402. Hello?Copy !req
403. Hi, um,
Mrs. Jasperterian?Copy !req
404. You don't know me,
but I thinkCopy !req
405. you're the only person
who could help me right now.Copy !req
406. This place really stirs
something in me.Copy !req
407. My husband was inspired
by the vistas,Copy !req
408. which is all
the more remarkableCopy !req
409. when you remember
Reynolds was blind.Copy !req
410. He... He was?Copy !req
411. Blind as a bat.
From the day he was born.Copy !req
412. So, he never saw
what he was painting.Copy !req
413. Nope.Copy !req
414. Somehow that
makes me feel better.Copy !req
415. - He painted by touch.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
416. Yes, he was very tactile.Copy !req
417. He really wanted
to get his handsCopy !req
418. all over anything
he was painting,Copy !req
419. get the feel of it.Copy !req
420. Rub it, pull it
between his fingers.Copy !req
421. You okay, Stan?Copy !req
422. No, I'm not!
You're talking about my wife!Copy !req
423. No, I'm talking aboutCopy !req
424. what Reynolds did
to your wife's vagina.Copy !req
425. He took it
and he turned it into art.Copy !req
426. Once it's art,
it's not your wife anymore.Copy !req
427. Huh. I never thought about it
like that.Copy !req
428. Look, let me
ask you this, Stan.Copy !req
429. Once the plaster cast dried,
was that mug still my butthole?Copy !req
430. Steve,
how's the filter coming?Copy !req
431. The fresh water's nice,Copy !req
432. but it's already getting
dirty again.Copy !req
433. What?
Oh, I'm not doing that now.Copy !req
434. No, your voice!Copy !req
435. But that means...Copy !req
436. Let's just say
I hope Lindsey's callCopy !req
437. was monitored and recorded,
'cause it was sexy as hell!Copy !req
438. Oh, Steve.Copy !req
439. You sound
just like Lindsey.Copy !req
440. Of course, you all know
the story of this painting —Copy !req
441. stolen, missing,
but then returned.Copy !req
442. Bad luck for you, Stan.Copy !req
443. Now we get
to see your wife'sCopy !req
444. Trapper Keeper
whenever we wish.Copy !req
445. Hmm.Copy !req
446. Art can have a powerful effect
on people.Copy !req
447. I like to think the thief,
whoever he was,Copy !req
448. took a good, long look
at this paintingCopy !req
449. and he realized Jasperterian
truly did captureCopy !req
450. and share the most extraordinary
beauty in the world.Copy !req
451. Angela, let's take one
last trip to Paris.Copy !req
452. It's boota-ful!Copy !req
453. Maybe, Duncan, we can be...
more than friends.Copy !req
454. Sorry, Candace.Copy !req
455. Don't apologize.
I'm a barf babe.Copy !req
456. Jasperterian transformed
something intimateCopy !req
457. into something
we can all share.Copy !req
458. But only I get
the real thing.Copy !req
459. Mmm!
Mmm!Copy !req
460. There's the maniac who
tried to steal the painting!Copy !req
461. Where?Copy !req
462. Bye, have a beautiful time!Copy !req