American Dad! 14x21

Directed by Jennifer Graves • Tim Parsons

Jared Gertner as Morse Code Kid / Marcus (voice) • Tom Hollander as Dennis (voice) • Robert Wuhl as Robert Wuhl (voice) • David Herman as AJ Slick (voice) • Lauren Lapkus as Cowboy Hat Girl (voice)

Roger becomes a marionette and injures other students to help Steve win the school talent show. Meanwhile, Stan, Hayley and Klaus start their own local honey business.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Any escape artist worth his salt

2. will have a bobby pin somewhere on his person

3. at all times.

4. Next!

5. And what's your talent, son?

6. I can translate any Morse-code transmission

7. from anywhere... in the world.

8. Prepare to be amazed.

9. At the moment, no one is sending any messages.

10. Get off my stage!

11. I did not become a high-school principal

12. to put on an unentertaining talent show!

13. That means no crappy acts

14. and strict enforcement

15. of my famous one-slot-per-talent policy

16. to ensure some mothervariety!

17. One singer, one tumbler,

18. one Annie Oakley-style trick-shootin' cowgirl...

19. and one hot-dog speed-eater!

20. The fat one.

21. Hut!

22. That singing slot is yours, buddy.

23. A.J. Slick doesn't stand a chance.

24. A.J.: My ears are burning.

25. And that usually only happens

26. when I hear Steve's singing.

27. Hey, A.J. Please...

28. Call me A.J. Slick.

29. I just wanted to say "good luck."

30. How about a little lemonade to lube the old larynx?

31. Wow, now — now that's sportsmanship.

32. Heh. Thanks, A.J.

33. Oh, did I say lemonade?

34. I meant Lemon Pledge.

35. You've been Slick'd!

36. Steve Smith?

37. Off my stage!

38. Aah!

39. I was heavily penalized

40. for withdrawing funds from my 401(k) early,

41. but it was all worth it

42. to get my hands on this baby.

43. The world's last Milkybar Choo.

44. Ah-choo!

45. Sorry, Klaus.

46. My allergies have just been kicking my ass,

47. and nothing seems to help.

48. You know what's great for hay fever?

49. Locally produced honey.

50. Local honey, huh?

51. Let me just run it by my allergist.

52. We don't need that money-grubbing allergist

53. horning in on the profits from our nnn...

54. New local honey business!

55. Stupid talent show.

56. Stupid singing. A.J.

57. What's wrong, son?

58. Everybody acts like the talent show

59. is such a big deal —

60. And right they are.

61. No one ever forgets

62. the winner of their high-school talent show.

63. Ours was Scott Kaminetzky.

64. He could juggle so much.

65. Now, back to our thing.

66. Lo-cal! Hon-ey!

67. Lo-cal! Hon-ey!

68. Stupid A.J. Slick.

69. Cheating me out of my slot.

70. Hey. Hey.

71. Up here.

72. Want to get back at A.J. and win that talent show?

73. I can help.

74. What — what are you doing in there?

75. I'm trapped.

76. I dropped a Skittle down a vent,

77. and I went in after it.

78. I've been in here for days.

79. Get a Phillips-head screwdriver

80. and meet me by the vent in Hayley's bathroom.

81. Oh. Oh, there — uhp, there's the Skittle.

82. Went down this slightly narrower passageway here.

83. Shit.

84. You came to the right guy, Steve.

85. I love a good quest for revenge.

86. I'm not out for revenge, Roger.

87. I am a proud, life-long good boy.

88. Deny it all you want,

89. but deep down, you want to get back at A.J.,

90. and you want to win that show.

91. I admit,

92. it'd be nice to see A.J. get what he deserves.

93. But singing was my talent.

94. Wha— what else can I do?

95. One word — ventriloquy.

96. Ventriloquism?

97. Puppet-talkin'.

98. One word.

99. In the '70's, I was half of the most popular

100. ventril-agrgah act in the world.

101. I was the puppet.

102. I was kicked off "Match Game"

103. for saying the word "queef" on air.

104. But that's neither here nor there.

105. Point is, just like you, my partner Dennis

106. didn't know the first thing about ventril-gahvel.

107. But it didn't matter because I do all the work.

108. Hmm.

109. Almost sounds too good to be true.

110. That's the spirit!

111. But... there is one thing

112. I'm going to need from you.

113. Total commitment.

114. Deal. Good.

115. Because this is perhaps my most challenging character,

116. both physically and mentally.

117. Even more than my

118. mentally challenged bodybuilder character,

119. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

120. First, I have to apply several layers

121. of this pungent lacquer face paint

122. to really make it look like I'm made out of wood.

123. Which is important,

124. because almost all of my material

125. is wood-based puns.

126. Ugh!

127. It smells worse than Principal Lewis's index finger.

128. Then...

129. painful prosthetics

130. to give me fully-flappable eyebrows and ears.

131. And finally, I inject just a scosche of paralyzing agent

132. into my arms and legs.

133. Wow! You move just like a dummy!

134. Now, Steve, why do you think I slapped you?

135. It's because you used a certain word.

136. Do you know what that word is? Is it...

137. That's right!

138. Never, ever call me a dummy.

139. The word "dummy" is degrading.

140. I am a manually-articulated performative kinesio-maquette...

141. named Dudley Dingleberry.

142. Gee, Dudley, I sure hope you remember all your lines.

143. Well, knock on wood.

144. Talk about a blockhead, am I right?

145. Hey, ladies. You ever seen a woodpecker?

146. Want to see mine?

147. Gah! Damn it!

148. This is why we should've rehearsed with the bird.

149. That orphan kid with the therapy puppet

150. might as well head on back to his group home

151. because the ventriloquy slot is yours!

152. Wow! It worked.

153. Everyone really thinks you're a du—

154. A what, Steve?

155. Du— Dudley. I was gonna say Dudley.

156. They all think I'm a Dudley.

157. That's what you were gonna say?

158. Finalists, gather up.

159. In five days,

160. one of you will be crowned talent-show champion,

161. and — wait.

162. Where's the roly-poly Miss Carla Cannoli,

163. my star tumbler?

164. The brakes on Carla's bike somehow gave out!

165. And she crashed right into the flagpole!

166. Sounds like she... took a tumble.

167. That kind of humor's not exactly to my taste,

168. but I think we got a good shot at winning this thing.

169. Yes.

170. We're gonna kill the competition.

171. Oh. Oh, God.

172. My last girlfriend was Russian.

173. Yeah, she was a Russian nesting doll.

174. Oh, Steve.

175. I've never seen this side of you.

176. Bang, bang.

177. Easy there, toots,

178. or I won't be the only wood in Steve's lap.

179. A.J.: You and that stupid doll.

180. More like Ugly Dingleberry.

181. We all know I'm still by far the favorite to win.

182. You are now, and always will be, a loser.

183. Hey, A.J.

184. you.

185. Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

186. Hello?

187. Is anybody there?

188. Oh, it's just that stupid doll.

189. Well, back to bench pressing.

190. Huh.

191. Wind must've blown it.

192. Must be a draft in here or something.

193. Stupid doll.

194. Again, so ugly.

195. What's this smelly old thing

196. doing up here anyway?

197. You and Steve think you can take on the Slickster?

198. Ha! You're just a stupid, old doll.

199. You couldn't stop me

200. if I slapped you right in the face.

201. What are you gonna do about it, doll?

202. How about I poke you right in the eye, huh?

203. Or put my fist in your mouth?

204. Or make you eat garbage? How about that?

205. Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!

206. More slaps!

207. Enough of this!

208. I need to hydrate.

209. Oh, my God! Wh— what happened?

210. Freak accident.

211. A barbell crushed A.J.'s larynx —

212. the exact body part that all but guaranteed him

213. to beat you in the talent show.

214. Can you believe it — the coincidence?

215. Anyway, the reason I called you

216. is because we found your puppet lying on the floor in here.

217. You ought to keep better track of this guy, Smith.

218. Hey, where do you put your hand in this thing anywa—

219. Oh, never mind. I found it.

220. Please tell me you didn't have

221. anything to do with A.J.'s accident.

222. Let's just say that as far as us

223. winning the talent show goes,

224. the bar was just lowered.

225. That, uh —

226. that's not the most convincing denial.

227. Hey, check it out.

228. It's the kid from the auditions.

229. Dude, you're so funny. What's your name?

230. Don't worry about it, Tyler.

231. If he wins the talent show, everyone will know his name.

232. And if he loses,

233. it'll be like he never existed.

234. Great point, Marcus.

235. They're here.

236. We're on our way to our first batch of local honey.

237. Now we just need a slogan.

238. How about...

239. "don't you know we're local?"

240. Done.

241. They're all dead.

242. E— except for...

243. what looks like some wasps?

244. Did you put wasps in with the bees?

245. Did I put some jocks in with the nerds?

246. Hell, yeah, I did.

247. Our honey's gonna have some balls.

248. Wasps don't make honey.

249. And all our bees are dead.

250. All great businesses pivot.

251. Burger King was

252. a topless maid service for decades.

253. Ow! A wasp just stung me.

254. You're having an allergic reaction.

255. We should get you to the hospital.

256. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

257. I say we give this another shot here

258. and double down on home remedies.

259. No way. Mom?

260. He does seem to know

261. a lot about Burger King.

262. Well, the Middle East ain't gettin' any better.

263. Hello?

264. Is someone there?

265. Help!

266. Somebody! Help!

267. Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!

268. Oh, my God! Barry!

269. My hot-dog speed-eater!

270. Give this boy a wiener! Stat!

271. Oh, no.

272. I'm full.

273. That is not a talent. Damn it!

274. I turned a blind eye to these accidents,

275. but no more!

276. Barry's my friend!

277. Seriously, Roger, drop the stupid puppet act.

278. Roger?

279. Oh, my God.

280. It's like he's lost in some sort of trance.

281. Maybe something in here can tell me

282. what the hell's going on with him.

283. Wow. I really should've looked further into this book

284. before I started this whole thing.

285. Oh, good.

286. E-e-e-excuse me, sir?

287. Could — Could I ask you a few questions?

288. Y-y-you see, I-I've —

289. well, I-I've been working with Dudley Dingleberry.

290. Dudley Dingleberry?

291. You fool!

292. You have no idea the evil forces you tamper with!

293. The year was 1976.

294. Dudley and I were on "Hollywood Squares,"

295. and he started killing all the other celebrities,

296. just so we could sit center square.

297. Teaming up with Dudley was my first mistake.

298. My second was having my other puppet, Mr. Doodles,

299. represent me at my murder trial.

300. So how do I stop him?

301. Stop him?

302. There's no stopping him!

303. You think he's the puppet?

304. You're the puppet!

305. He's controlling you!

306. Did I blow your mind?

307. Just talking about him brings it all back —

308. that horrible, mincing voice, that awful smell.

309. The smell?

310. The smell!

311. Thanks, you old creep!

312. "Industrial airplane paint.

313. Inhalation may cause temporary psychosis!

314. Ages 6 and up."

315. I knew it!

316. All right, buddy.

317. All I have to do is get that makeup off you,

318. and everything will go back to normal.

319. We'll have to forfeit the talent show,

320. but it's a small price to —

321. He— Hello?

322. Aah!

323. The show must go on.

324. A-Am I early for book club?

325. No, you're late!

326. And that's two weeks in a row!

327. You're out!

328. I didn't read it anyway.

329. Wh-wh— where am I?

330. I-I— I can't move. Or talk.

331. I'm paralyzed.

332. No. This can't be real.

333. This can't be real!

334. Oh, it's real all right.

335. I can't hear your thoughts.

336. I'm just assuming you're all like,

337. "This can't be real! No!"

338. You wanted to get back at A.J.

339. You wanted to win the talent show.

340. Don't you see?

341. Dudley Dingleberry was inside you —

342. Five minutes, Smith!

343. Uh... okie-dokie, Principal Loomis!

344. That's you all right!

345. Show time.

346. You... can't... do... this.

347. You're ruining the trick, Steve.

348. I can see your lips move.

349. Good evening, ladies and gents!

350. Our should I say "wood evening"?

351. He's so good

352. he's doing the act with his mouth taped shut!

353. I'm absolutely losing my mind here!

354. So, I just heard my grandpa died...

355. of Dutch elm disease!

356. Chip on my shoulder?

357. That is my shoulder!

358. I've been told I can be a real son of a birch.

359. Look at this audience. My God.

360. I never realized I was so poplar.

361. Poplar is a kind of tree.

362. Teak, oak, balsa, mahogany!

363. This is what I live for!

364. Oh, my God.

365. I'm... winning.

366. No. I have to stop Roger.

367. But how?

368. That's it!

369. I'm in love with you too, Steve!

370. I've always loved you!

371. Oh, yeah.

372. I don't know Morse code.

373. That's our show! Wood night!

374. "Mahogany."

375. Uh, Dad?

376. I'm a little worried about Mom.

377. She's fine.

378. Just swab her with a little more of

379. our patented, homemade poultice.

380. Available in the lobby!

381. That's it. Really let those onion skins go to work.

382. Congratulations, Steve.

383. Despite all your efforts to remain a loser,

384. I made you a winner.

385. Oh, crap.

386. All tuckered out, huh? Well, wish me luck.

387. Did you see that tank?

388. Looks like Snot's bringing his "A" game.

389. I hadn't really considered him a threat,

390. which is why he's one of the only other contestants left.

391. Well, not to worry.

392. An escape act loses its impact...

393. if you can't escape.

394. Roger, no!

395. Hmm.

396. Looks like the paralyzing agent is starting to wear off.

397. I think I better make sure you stay put.

398. Just...

399. in case.

400. There.

401. I had to pause for a full minute in the middle of my sentence,

402. but it was worth it.

403. Now to kill Snot!

404. Aah! Aah!

405. And now The Great Shmuel-dini

406. shall attempt an escape from a watery death!

407. Any escape artist worth his salt

408. will have a bobby pin somewhere on his person

409. at all times.

410. Lucky for me, I always wear a bobby pin in my hair

411. to keep my gorgeous bangs out of my eyes.

412. Good old broomstick.

413. Mwah!

414. Now remember, folks,

415. his intention is to live.

416. So if he drowns, he loses the talent show.

417. It's too late, Steve!

418. You can't save Snot with those gimpy legs of yours,

419. so you might as well just sit back and enjoy the show.

420. I've got to break that glass.

421. Hey! Dingleberry! Yes?

422. I may be paralyzed right now,

423. but you'll always be...

424. a dummy!

425. Say that one more time.

426. I —

427. What? How did I get here?

428. Oh my, God, Somebody shot Steve!

429. Oh, my God! I shot Steve!

430. Oh, no way. Gross.

431. Okay, come on.

432. Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

433. That's why I don't do this character anymore.

434. That makeup makes me crazy.

435. Really should've just flipped

436. a few more pages into the old scrapbook.

437. And I learned —

438. Now to make sure this makeup

439. never causes anybody harm ever again!

440. Buh-bye! See you soon!

441. — Captions by VITAC —