American Dad! 13x9

Directed by Rodney Clouden

Tom Kenny as Gossipy Mailroom Guy (voice) • Rob Huebel as Dylan (voice) • Wendi McLendon-Covey as Autograph Seeker (voice) • Thomas Lennon as News Director (voice) • David Koechner as Dick Reynolds (voice)

Francine sets out to help news anchor Greg when he and Terry split up. Roger becomes obsessed with a fictional boy from an old game called Dream Phone.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. And now, Dickie Dobbins,

2. with the Channel 3 doppler 12,000

3. accu-climate weather-plus forecast.

4. We got more record heat movin' in.

5. My guess is it's from Eurasia,

6. or even, possibly,

7. the dark continent.

8. That's where Miss Maisie comes from.

9. She raised me.

10. Jesus, Dickie.

11. It's... it's important to remember

12. old Dickie comes from a different era.

13. Right, Terry?

14. Oh, that's right.

15. Sometimes I forget that he's gone.

16. As the week-long beat wave continues...

17. beat wave? What's a beat wave?

18. As the heatwave... sorry... continues...

19. I just hate seeing Greg like this.

20. Guy's been a mess ever since Terry

21. dumped him and left town to follow 311 on tour.

22. You know what?

23. Greg needs a new man

24. and I'm gonna help him find one.

25. Why?

26. Because that's what you do for friends.

27. At least, that's what I do for friends.

28. In high school, my nickname was Superfriend.

29. Actually, it was Supermouth.

30. Actually, it was Suckmachine.

31. They called me Stan the Man.

32. There was a girl in my class named Stan.

33. Aah!

34. Just a little more pepper.

35. Greg's coming up the driveway!

36. Aah! Aaaaaaah!

37. Now, remember.

38. We're pumping him for information

39. about his perfect guy,

40. so we can find someone to set him up with.

41. It's actually the perfect temperature.

42. - Can someone toss me a tecate? - I'll tell you

43. what my perfect man would be, if I was gay.

44. He'd have smooth, soft skin,

45. long, shiny hair,

46. a narrow waist and wide hips,

47. forming the shape of an hourglass.

48. Pouty lips, big doe eyes.

49. A musical, high-pitched voice.

50. Large, supple, breast-like pectoral muscles.

51. And huge balls.

52. Something you can really grab onto.

53. Stan!

54. Oh, we're at dinner now.

55. Thank you so much for having me.

56. It's nice to get out of the house.

57. Our pleasure.

58. Now, what would you like for dessert,

59. a bear claw or a twink-ie?

60. Or maybe asian dessert?

61. We haven't even eaten dinner yet.

62. Okay, then, let's start with salad.

63. Would you like your dressing on the top

64. of your salad, or on the bottom?

65. How would you put it on the bottom?

66. Okay, what are you two up to?

67. All right. The truth is,

68. we were trying to figure out your type,

69. so we could set you up.

70. You just seem so down, ever since Terry left.

71. Oh. That's sweet of you.

72. I admit, I do miss Terry, as a life partner,

73. but, to be honest, I miss him more, right now,

74. as a work partner.

75. I'm... I'm sorry. That... that probably

76. didn't exactly warrant a spit-take.

77. Kind of jumped the gun there. Go on.

78. What makes a reporter, journalistic integrity?

79. Ha! It's the banter!

80. But you can't just plug anybody into that other chair.

81. You need chemistry and chemistry is hard.

82. Tell me about it.

83. I burned down my school in chemistry class.

84. My school experience was pretty flaming, too,

85. if you know what I mean.

86. I bet you were quite the firestarter.

87. Just call me young Drew Barrymore.

88. You're not the only one who liked

89. "riding in cars with boys."

90. "Charlie's Angels"!

91. "Charlie's angels 2"!

92. "Home fries"!

93. Francine,

94. do you realize what we're doing?

95. We're bantering. Crazy idea.

96. Would you come fill in in Terry's old seat?

97. Just until we find a permanent replacement.

98. I don't know, Greg.

99. I'm not really up on current events.

100. I get most of my news off Snapple caps.

101. Please, Francine.

102. To help a friend.

103. Sounds like a job for Suckmachine.

104. How'd you know my high school nickname?

105. Hey, check out what we found in the basement.

106. You walk in, without knocking,

107. like a bunch of Duprees?

108. It's my old dream phone game.

109. It's so dumb. You try to figure out

110. which cute boy has a crush on you.

111. We thought it'd be fun to play as a goof.

112. Doesn't sound fun. Sounds lame.

113. But I guess I'll do it,

114. 'cause I got nothing else to do.

115. But it sounds boring. I'm gonna be bored.

116. I was right. This is boring.

117. I'm bored. I think I'm just about ready to...

118. Who is that?

119. Dylan.

120. Hello?

121. Your crush loves pizza.

122. That could be Dylan.

123. We like all the same things.

124. Dylan likes the mall. I like the mall.

125. Oh, my god. Is he the one?

126. I'd sing you the second verse,

127. but it gets pretty explicit.

128. And remember, we are the news of Langley Falls.

129. Without us, people making dinner won't know who's been murdered!

130. Good evening. I'm Greg Corbin.

131. And I'm Francine Smith.

132. Our top story tonight...

133. 17 alligators were set loose today

134. when an oak tree fell on a fence at the Langley Falls gator farm.

135. Dickie, I bet you were around

136. when that oak tree was planted.

137. Huh?

138. Planted?

139. Dickie was around when the oak tree was invented.

140. Looks like those gators

141. aren't the only ones who bite.

142. Chomp, chomp.

143. Her banter is beautiful.

144. Oh, she's good.

145. Real good.

146. Too good.

147. This will end poorly.

148. Raven!

149. She's so raven.

150. Real raven.

151. Too raven.

152. This will end

153. poorly.

154. Thank you.

155. This is the first and last step

156. to opening my dry cleaning business.

157. So, we eat here for free?

158. I never realized being the husband

159. of a local news celeb would be so sweet!

160. Ah, the perks are nice, but remember:

161. I'm doing all this to help Greg.

162. Complimentary order of shrimp enchiladas. Mwah!

163. The veins in the shrimp are... how you say?

164. Bursting with turds tonight.

165. That's exactly how you say it, Miguel.

166. One more call, and I'll zero in

167. on the identity of the landline strangler.

168. I've crafted my own narrative

169. to enhance my enjoyment of the game.

170. Now, talk to me, you sicko!

171. Who are you talking to? Is it Dylan?

172. Keep your paws off him, you slut!

173. Your crush hates the mall.

174. Hates the mall? It's not Dylan.

175. We're resetting.

176. Roger, you can't just keep resetting the game

177. every time, until you get Dylan.

178. I don't see why you're so hung up on Dylan, anyway.

179. Tyler is clearly the cutest of the dream boys.

180. Hell, I'd even take Wayne over Dylan.

181. You have six seconds

182. to suck those filthy words back

183. inside your rotten little mouth.

184. Damn it, Roger.

185. This isn't even a real person, okay?

186. This is just some model who posed for a picture in 1994.

187. It's... it's insane to have a crush

188. on a fake person on a fake phone.

189. You're right.

190. The sane thing to do is

191. track down the model who posed for the card

192. and go on a road trip to meet him.

193. Exactly.

194. I know I like you, Dylan.

195. Of course, that was back when it was okay

196. to bring a crossbow on a bus.

197. This just in... Channel 3's own Dickie Dobbins has...

198. Died?

199. Of a stroke.

200. I didn't know you could die from that.

201. I thought it just made you talk funny.

202. Ah, I had a stroke, see?

203. We always poke fun at Dickie, sure, but,

204. I never thought we'd...

205. Lose him.

206. Greg?

207. Ladies and gentlemen,

208. heaven just got one hell of a weather angel.

209. Or, if the allegations that followed Dickie

210. his entire life turn out to have been true,

211. hell just got one angel of a weather demon.

212. And... We're... Out.

213. Thank you, Francine. That...

214. that was wonderful.

215. You just got in the zone.

216. It was like there was no one else at the desk.

217. Oh!

218. Oh, that's ridiculous.

219. Who ever heard of one person anchoring the news?

220. But do ya think?

221. So I had the sassiest waiter the other day.

222. Oh, I'll tell you how I feel about sassy waiters.

223. "Homey don't play around wit' dat."

224. Remember that, the black clown?

225. Anyway.

226. If I was that hang-glide instructor,

227. I'd have just cut that big boy loose.

228. - Well, I... - Oh, we're gonna get calls

229. - on that one, aren't we? - I-I once...

230. Oh, behave, Francine.

231. Man, Francine really ain't letting you

232. get a word in edgewise, is she?

233. Oh, she's just doing her part to be helpful.

234. And you know what they say...

235. "there's no I in team."

236. No! I don't know that,

237. 'cause I never learned to read!

238. Aah-aah!

239. Why do we have this room?

240. So they've got a killer new

241. verde shrimp chimichanga down at Larry's.

242. I was thinking maybe you could work in

243. a plug on the show today.

244. I'm not gonna compromise the news

245. to make you a hero at Loco Larry's.

246. This isn't about you.

247. And it's not about me.

248. It's about Greg.

249. Now, I really need to do my vocal warmups.

250. What's going on?

251. We've finally got a new weather guy

252. to replace Dickie... Memphis Stormfront.

253. From Channel 6 in Raleigh-Durham.

254. They say he gives great banter.

255. And that he's got his eye on the anchor desk.

256. He might be just the guy to be Greg's

257. permanent co-anchor, fool!

258. Why are you doing that?

259. I love gossi-I-I-p!

260. We have a new member of the Channel 3 Team

261. and we're about to find out

262. "weather" he's any good at his job.

263. A job, by the way,

264. that can be done better by a free phone app.

265. Memphis.

266. "Appy" to prove you wrong, there, Francine.

267. I'd also happily help you find a phone made after 1998.

268. Hey, no fair! That's just a backup

269. until her beeper gets out of the shop.

270. Ooh! Burn!

271. Um, uh...

272. I...

273. Ch-chimichanga.

274. Turning to the five-day forecast.

275. I haven't felt this kind of on-air chemistry since Terry.

276. I think he's the one. Isn't this great?

277. You'll be able to go back to your

278. whatever you do with your days.

279. My lokey!

280. I want that weather punk gone!

281. I just heard you got Memphis fired?

282. He was dead weight, ratings poison.

283. A real Ray Donovan.

284. I was looking out for ya.

285. Look, you've been such a good friend to me,

286. so, speaking as your good friend,

287. I think your love of the limelight

288. is clouding your judgment.

289. Oh. Wow!

290. Thank you for helping me realize

291. What an ingrate you are.

292. Francine, you're hurting me!

293. I get the viewers.

294. I make the news fun.

295. And I do it all to help you!

296. Well, you're gonna have a hard time

297. helping me, because me quits!

298. Wait, wait!

299. Greg, come back!

300. I didn't mean what I said.

301. I've never seen "Ray Donovan."

302. It could be a good show.

303. I don't know. We don't get showtime.

304. Everything else I said stands.

305. Stupid, ungrateful Greg.

306. I guess some friends just don't want to be helped.

307. Oh, my god!

308. I was so busy,

309. telling myself I was helping Greg,

310. I couldn't see how much I was hurting him.

311. Oh, we need to make this right.

312. Are you okay, losing your Loco Larry's perks?

313. Hey, helping Greg is more important

314. than eating 16 burritos a day,

315. every day of the week.

316. Also, my...

317. my colon came out.

318. What?

319. M-my colon came out.

320. I-I looked it up online and it is reversible.

321. Greg and Memphis are so clearly

322. right for each other.

323. We need to get 'em back together.

324. And back on the air.

325. Easier said than done.

326. Mm-mm-mm.

327. Greg's done with TV. Runs a cake shop now.

328. Another interesting Greg might not be

329. the macho ladykiller we all think he is.

330. Greg, please.

331. You're the one who belongs behind that desk, not me.

332. I'm sorry. I'm not going back.

333. Even if you did get Memphis back, too.

334. And good luck with that.

335. He's a stormchaser now.

336. Said at least you can trust a tornado

337. not to stab you in the back.

338. Also, you know Ashley in HR?

339. Got an abortion.

340. What do we need a weatherman for, anyway?

341. You said it yourself.

342. Unless, of course, there was some sort of

343. cataclysmic superstorm to cover.

344. But, barring that, I would get rid

345. of the snake room

346. before I brought back Greg and Memphis.

347. Ohh!

348. I just know, deep down,

349. Greg wants to come back to the news.

350. If I could only get him and Memphis back

351. on the air together for one broadcast.

352. But we'd need to be able

353. to control the weather, to do that.

354. Easy as pie.

355. - Stan, that's a cake. - Oh, what would you say?

356. "Piece of cake."

357. Oh, yeah, it's really easy

358. to come up with clever word play

359. when you're not holding in your butthole

360. with a piece of duct tape.

361. Top-secret CIA weather- control division. Dick speaking.

362. I mean, pizza store!

363. Oh, it's you, Stan.

364. What kind of favor?

365. Can I help you?

366. You've aged beautifully.

367. - What? - A drink? Sure!

368. I'll take a sweet tea, no ice.

369. You'll have one, too. Put this in yours.

370. Come on in. Let's get you out of those wet clothes.

371. Hello? I received an order

372. to deliver a cake to this lamppost.

373. I got a call saying my birth mother

374. would meet me at this lamppost.

375. Greg?

376. Memphis?

377. Oh, my god, a category-6 subpolar tornado-cane,

378. the rarest storm in all of weather!

379. Don't tell us. Tell the viewers.

380. Our breaking story right now.

381. A weather event that I couldn't even begin to explain.

382. Oh!

383. So we're going to go live to Greg Corbin

384. and Memphis Stormfront, in the heart of the storm.

385. Ohhh?

386. I told you, I'm done with the news, Stan.

387. I'm a cake man now!

388. You're a what?

389. Goddamn it, I'm a news man!

390. Greg Corbin, here,

391. live in the midst of the storm of the century,

392. with our very own Memphis Stormfront.

393. Greg, we are witnessing a once-in-a-lifetime

394. weather event unleashing multiple funnel clouds.

395. The gators are gettin' spooked!

396. Get 'em into the barn, and quick!

397. Yah!

398. It's too late!

399. Aaaaaaah!

400. In a stunning development,

401. we are now in the midst of a full-fledged gator storm.

402. Whoo! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

403. Aaaaaah!

404. Ah! Ah.

405. Aaaah!

406. Aaah!

407. Ah.

408. Phew.

409. By the way, great to be back on the air

410. with you, Memphis.

411. What have you been up to lately?

412. Well, I finally caught "Step up. All in"

413. - on cable this weekend. - That mess?

414. They should've called it "Throw up. All over."

415. They should've called it off.

416. Even in the belly of the storm, they banter flawlessly.

417. These are my stars!

418. Ahh!

419. You know, you look familiar to me.

420. I did do a bit of board-game modeling,

421. back in my younger days.

422. Oh, yeah, maybe that's it.

423. I think I... I think I remember.

424. Was it, um...?

425. Oh, god, it's on the tip of my...

426. I want to say mystery phone?

427. - Dream phone. - Dream phone, dream phone.

428. Right. Now I remember. It's been...

429. been such a long time.

430. Is that the phone from the game

431. that you're holding right now?

432. So it is.

433. Say, you know, I got the day free.

434. What do you say we head to the mall

435. and grab ourselves a slice of 'za?

436. Ugh! I try to stay away from malls, and pizza.

437. I'm beginning to get

438. the distinct impression, Dylan,

439. that you are a liar.

440. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it lying,

441. but, for starters,

442. my name's not actually Dylan.

443. So, um, what happened back there?

444. We went to the mall and had pizza,

445. because that's what Dylan likes.

446. Why is there blood on the dream phone?

447. He likes malls and pizza.

448. And me.

449. Roger?

450. Wh-what's in this jar?

451. Dylan was being bad.

452. And, now, we have the jar.

453. Well, it's official, I'm out at Channel 3

454. and you two are back in, thanks to us.

455. What do you mean, thanks to you?

456. We did all of this.

457. Francine got you on the air

458. and I abused my CIA powers to make that superstorm.

459. You may this storm?

460. Lives were destroyed.

461. But Greg's life was fixed.

462. Now, you've got a new work partner

463. and a new life partner.

464. Now kiss, you two lovebirds.

465. And put some mustard on it.

466. Aren't you straight?

467. Yes, but I'm terrified of these people.

468. They can control the weather!

469. Mmm.

470. - Mwah. - Mmm.

471. You did it, baby.

472. We did it.

473. Because we're helpers.

474. It's just in our nature.

475. We help.