American Dad! 13x3

Directed by Jansen Yee

Norman Reedus as Tim (voice) • T.E. Russell as Prosecutor (voice) • Joe Chandler as Joe Chandler (voice) • Brian Boyle as Security Officer (voice) • Patrick Stewart as Avery Bullock (voice)

Hayley mentally regresses to a 6-year-old. Steve and his pals get a slow cooker.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All clear?

2. On my signal.

3. Go, go, go! We gotta get out before Hayley —

4. - Dad? - Hayley's home!

5. Hey, girl!

6. What's going on? Nothing or whatever.

7. Wait a minute. Dad's wearing his special eating pants,

8. and mom's got Tupperware labeled "Cheesecake Warehouse."

9. You're going to the Cheesecake Warehouse!

10. Ugh. Now I suppose everybody has to listen to a thing.

11. Did you know the Cheesecake Warehouse

12. makes $2 billion a year

13. while their employees make minimum wage?

14. It's not fair!

15. Hayley, let me break this down like the great Vanessa Williams

16. in "a diva's Christmas Carol."

17. The Cheesecake Warehouse is the leading cause of diabetes

18. in the state of Virginia.

19. Hayley, you're always ranting —

20. "This isn't fair, that isn't fair,

21. "children don't belong in factories,

22. I shouldn't print out all my e-mails."

23. You're such a downer.

24. Being opinionated doesn't make me a downer.

25. Tell 'em, Jeff.

26. Well...

27. I can't believe this.

28. I'm used to hearing it from them, but...

29. It's not you. It's just...

30. You kinda have a frowny face, which can put people off.

31. If you just did this...

32. That's what I'm —

33. Hayley's back.

34. It's just how I look, okay?

35. Actually, that's not true.

36. You were the happiest little 6-year-old.

37. Remember her beautiful smile?

38. I had to fight the kidnappers away.

39. Seriously?

40. Is it really so hard to believe?

41. I mean, am I so horrible?

42. Is it that impossible to be around me?

43. Hey, babe, what you doing?

44. Oh, why'd you get out your paper Facebook?

45. Look at this. I-I'm smiling in every picture.

46. It's weird, but I don't remember any of this.

47. I guess 'cause drugs.

48. "Happy Hayley"?

49. God, what happened to me?

50. I mean, my family's avoiding me.

51. What if I drive you away?

52. Babe, that'll never happen. I got nowhere else to go.

53. Oh, happy Hayley. Those were the days.

54. Oh, my God! How are you doing that?

55. I'm from outer space, Jeff. I can do lots of cool shit.

56. Here's a little sump'n sump'n I learned on Vega five.

57. You remember happy Hayley?

58. What? Oh, sure.

59. Always smiling.

60. You were a bunny-wunny.

61. You were a sweetie-cutie- baby-honey-pie.

62. You were tooshy-wooshy- boohjy-boohjy.

63. And now I'm indifferent to you.

64. Oh, I wish I could remember what it felt like

65. to be that happy.

66. You can. Make an appointment

67. to see Dr. penguin for hypnotherapy.

68. Roger, I don't want you messing around with my head.

69. Happy Hayley at the petting zoo?

70. Oh, I just wanna love her forever!

71. Is Dr. penguin available now?

72. We can probably squeeze you in,

73. but we don't take insurance.

74. We don't know how.

75. So we're at the Cheesecake Warehouse,

76. and Charlotte comes over. We're in her section.

77. Nice.

78. And I said, "Charlotte, I want you to take away

79. "this fork and knife

80. and bring me some pork I can eat with a spoon."

81. She laughs and probably forgets

82. about her blind son for a moment.

83. But when the pork comes, oh, my God.

84. What is it, Steve?

85. It was stringy, tough, chewy, even.

86. I had to ask for my knife and fork back.

87. Charlotte had to do the walk of shame

88. to the utensil station,

89. and I went home with a gut full of hard pork.

90. Yo, couldn't help but overhear.

91. You boys in the market for some soft pork?

92. Oh, dear. You want the perfect pork?

93. You gotta get yourself a slow cooker.

94. Get outta here, Tim.

95. You're not even a real pervert.

96. A slow cooker really makes that much of a difference?

97. After you do a slow cook,

98. you'll never look at pork the same way again.

99. Whoa! Message received, buddy.

100. Before I give you this, there's one thing to remember.

101. The slower the cook, the better the taste.

102. The slower the cook, the better the taste.

103. The slower the cook...

104. the better the taste.

105. That guy's so weird about pork.

106. - Anyway... - I'm Batman.

107. So here's how it works.

108. I do hypnotherapy to help people better themselves,

109. to stop smoking... or start smoking.

110. I do both, whichever's easier.

111. One's way easier.

112. Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy to bring you back

113. to when you were 6, and we'll find out

114. what made you so happy.

115. You're 6 years old again. 6 years old.

116. With every swing of the watch,

117. you go a little deeper.

118. Happy Hayley.

119. Hayley's still in there with Dr. penguin?

120. How long has it been?

121. I don't know, Mr. S.

122. Hayley usually keeps track of how long I sit.

123. Roger! Snap out of it!

124. Oh, my God. I think I did it.

125. I quit! I quit not smoking!

126. I gotta get a ciggy!

127. Hayley, are you all right?

128. Daddy! Can we get ice cream?

129. Pretty, pretty please?

130. Yeah, sure, if you can tell me how old you are.

131. Silly, daddy. I'm 6!

132. What? Roger, what did you —

133. Uhh!

134. My back! It's the l-5!

135. Must... get to... vicodin stash.

136. Horsey ride!

137. Whoa! Ride 'em, girl!

138. Ah!

139. This was supposed to be a fun night.

140. One, two, three...

141. Roger, we can't have a grown woman

142. acting like a child.

143. This ain't no Disney channel.

144. 9, 10! Couch attack!

145. Uhh!

146. Roger, hypnotize Hayley back.

147. Okay, okay, just let me finish this last one.

148. Smoking's so glamorous.

149. You're not 6 anymore. You're not 6 anymore.

150. Tag! You're it!

151. There's fishy! Fishy!

152. Oh, no. Happy Hayley, my mortal enemy.

153. The monster is back.

154. Hurricane fishy!

155. Ugh. This is my fault

156. for not putting up sandbags.

157. Mommy, I'm hungry. Can I have a hot dog?

158. You want a hot dog?

159. And some mint chip ice cream.

160. Why, uh, of course, honey. I'll whip that up right now.

161. You're the best mommy ever!

162. Hey!

163. This is my chance to raise her right.

164. Get her into child acting...

165. Make some cash.

166. Daddy's home!

167. Look, daddy, I made you a friendship bracelet.

168. It means we're B.F.F.s — best friends forever.

169. But you can't ever take it off, or else I'll know.

170. 'Kay, promise you'll never take it off?

171. I promise. I've been meaning to get rid of my old one.

172. He promised he'd never take it off!

173. You're supposed to wear them

174. until they fall off!

175. It's in the rules!

176. So, babe, I'm just curious.

177. I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now.

178. I love you. You're my best friend.

179. Oh, that's so great to hear.

180. I love you, too, Hayles.

181. It's so awesome you're a princess.

182. What's that, Anna?

183. There's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room?

184. You and your pee-pee are gross.

185. All right! The roast is finally done.

186. Eight hours without food. It's like I'm a poor!

187. Wait. Remember what the salesman said

188. four times in the alley?

189. The slower the cook, the better the taste.

190. I say we double the time. Or why stop there?

191. Let's double the double.

192. This pork isn't coming out until it's absolutely perfect.

193. Well, I've always said I'm not gonna come out

194. until I'm absolutely perfect.

195. Hey, guys, we need to talk about Hayley.

196. Isn't she great?

197. Look, she made me this sweet-ass friendship bracelet.

198. Oh, did you not get one? Aw.

199. No, guys, this is bad! My wife is 6!

200. Oh, children are more sexual than we realize.

201. It was my work in that area that cemented my tenure

202. at the university of the Ozarks.

203. Go, possums!

204. Don't be selfish, Jeff.

205. Hayley's finally happy again.

206. She eats everything, and she lets me dress her up

207. however I want.

208. Mommy, look! I'm as pretty as you!

209. Almost.

210. Dr. penguin, there's gotta be something you can do.

211. All right. Let's commence the un-hypnotizing.

212. It's a very delicate procedure. I'll need total silence.

213. Snap out of it! Snap out of it!

214. Patty cake, Roger!

215. Freeze!

216. Ah, childhood. Such a sweet, sexual time.

217. Hey! You didn't fix her.

218. Sorry, Jeff, but Hayley seems to be

219. in what is known as age regression lock.

220. So she'll stay a 6 year old forever?

221. Not forever, but, yes, until she dies.

222. That is, unless you find her trigger.

223. Wait. What — what do you mean?

224. Happy Hayley didn't stay happy Hayley.

225. Something in her past turned her

226. into the cranky, preachy downer Hayley

227. that we all know and you love.

228. Finding that trigger should bring her back.

229. Enough of this nonsense!

230. I think it's time for a family trip

231. to the Cheesecake Warehouse!

232. Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Buffalo bites!

233. I'm in! I can smoke there 'cause it's gross.

234. Ugh. I need to find Hayley's trigger.

235. I will help.

236. Yuck. Klaus?

237. I've been hiding all week from that 6-year-old asshole.

238. Whoa, look, her 7th birthday party.

239. Oh, look how sad she is,

240. like a single baby's shoe floating down the river.

241. Something at that party made her stop smiling.

242. That was it! That was the moment

243. she became downer Hayley!

244. What is she looking at?

245. There. This boy behind Hayley

246. was taking a picture at the same time.

247. If he still has it, then we can see what Hayley saw.

248. Whoa, whoa, one step at at time.

249. First, we have to go through this whole yearbook

250. to try and find — Oh, here he is. Joe Chandler.

251. He has a camera in his school picture, too.

252. Hmm. Bit of a shutterbug, I suppose.

253. Great detective work, Klaus.

254. Hey, we make a pretty good team.

255. Looks like this case was made for...

256. Fish and the Jeffman.

257. Damn it! Roger's suing us for copyright infringement.

258. He says this is like "wheels and the legman."

259. What? In what way?

260. What are you boys doing?

261. It's been a week, Steve.

262. The meat's falling off the bone!

263. The bone! All that flavor trapped in the bone.

264. But what if we cook the bone down to a jelly

265. and then the jelly down to a broth,

266. and then the broth down to a reduction?

267. You're playing God with pork! Just let us eat!

268. I knew you guys couldn't handle the pressure of a slow cook.

269. Luckily, I'm ready.

270. Looks like you boys brought hands

271. to a crossbow fight.

272. But I want food now!

273. Barry, tide yourself over with a —

274. Don't you say it, Steve! Don't you dare tell me

275. to eat another nature's harvest bar!

276. I can't. My poops.

277. They're like drywall.

278. You're asking if I have a photo

279. I took at a birthday party

280. that I went to when I was 7?

281. We know it's a long shot, Mr. Chandler,

282. but my wife's life depended on it.

283. Oh, yeah. I remember her.

284. I can't make any promises, but I'll go have a look.

285. How am I supposed to find one picture...

286. from the thousands and thousands I've taken of her?

287. Thank God I digitized them all.

288. Joe Chandler, you perfectly sane genius.

289. There it is.

290. Boop. And one for me.

291. Mmm. Mmm... Mmm.

292. Well, looks like we're in luck.

293. I found the picture.

294. Oh, that's amazing! Thanks, Joe.

295. Now, would I be imposing if I asked you

296. to put a camera in your pee hole?

297. What?

298. Boop.

299. Klaus, look. Look where she's pointing.

300. Oh, a big man clubbing a baby seal?

301. That is not fair.

302. That's it, Klaus!

303. This is the moment she realized life wasn't fair.

304. That's her trigger.

305. Then we need to recreate it.

306. That will snap her out of the deep trance.

307. Let's go.

308. That Joe Chandler was a cool dude.

309. Next time...

310. Next time I'll have bullets.

311. Jeff, I love the symmetry of this.

312. Seeing a seal clubbed to death

313. is what broke happy Hayley the first time,

314. and doing it again will break her once more.

315. Klaus, we're not gonna club a seal to death.

316. You're right. It doesn't have to be a seal.

317. Just anything innocent.

318. The important thing is the club... and the death.

319. No, 'cause that's what turned her into frowny-faced Hayley.

320. If we can just show her that the world is unfair to animals

321. without murdering one, then maybe she'll snap out of it,

322. but keep a little bit of happy Hayley inside.

323. Oh, sucks.

324. I thought we were on the same page

325. the whole drive.

326. Why are we at the fish zoo?

327. Oh, just for fun.

328. Hey, look at the pretty seals!

329. Wait a minute.

330. That's an awfully small place for a seal to live.

331. It's not fair. Right, Klaus?

332. Oh, yeah.

333. Look at these poor, sweet, gentle creatures.

334. The lambs of the sea, stuck their whole lives

335. in a tiny...

336. There's one behind me, isn't there?

337. And is it, like, exactly the opposite

338. of how I described them?

339. Aah!

340. Klaus! Aah! Help me!

341. Hold on!

342. Ohh!

343. In your face, seal. You can't get me.

344. Aah!

345. Seals can come on land?

346. I thought they had to stay in the water like fish!

347. Oh, no.

348. Evolve, Klaus. Evolve like the wind!

349. Ow! Aah!

350. Hey!

351. Stay... away... from Klaus!

352. Ooh! You killed it.

353. I want a mermaid key chain!

354. Oh, good, she didn't see me kill the seal.

355. But we did.

356. We did it, friends. We cooked the perfect pork.

357. Wish you could try it, but you're all dead.

358. Oh, God!

359. The meaning of the dream is so clear!

360. I gotta share this pork with my friends immediately!

361. Oh, come on. Every morning? Didn't you hear me?

362. There's no time. I need to do the right thing

363. for my friends.

364. You should be in that slow cooker, you pig.

365. I know that's hard to watch.

366. That's why I only showed it to you 10 times.

367. Jeff Fischer broke into the aquarium

368. and brutally killed a seal, but not just any seal.

369. This was harpy...

370. The cutest seal.

371. Aw.

372. I can't hear you!

373. Aw!

374. The prosecution rests, but not before a quick round

375. of high five with this awesome jury!

376. What's happening, daddy?

377. That man is on trial because he did a bad thing to a seal.

378. I like seals. I don't like that man.

379. No one does.

380. So, does the defendant want to waste our time

381. before the jury finds him guilty?

382. We'd like to call Dr. penguin to the stand.

383. Huh? Who's Dr. penguin?

384. That'd be me.

385. I can explain why Jeff did what he did,

386. or if I may hypnotize the jury, your honor?

387. Oh, fun! I'll allow it.

388. Jeff Fischer is not guilty.

389. Not guilty. With every swing of the watch,

390. you'll find Jeff a little less guilty.

391. We find the defendant not guilty.

392. Okay, cool.

393. Jeff Fischer, you're free to go.

394. Yes!

395. Daddy, what's wrong?

396. The man who killed the seal is being let go.

397. What? But that's not fair! That's not fair.

398. - That's not fair. - That's not fair.

399. That's not fair.

400. Oh. Whoa. Where the hell am I?

401. Ugh. Hayley's back.

402. Hayley! I've missed you so much.

403. Missed me? But where have I been?

404. The real question is when have you been?

405. Seriously, guys, I can't account for a lot of time,

406. and I'm kind of freaking out.

407. Will someone please explain what's happening?

408. More like, who's happening, right, guys?

409. Guys, I'm sorry I got carried away

410. with the slow cooker,

411. but my pursuit of perfection was not totally in vain,

412. 'cause like the pork,

413. our friendship has been simmered to perfection.

414. Let's eat!

415. Mmm. Mmm.

416. Divine.

417. Yet it leaves something behind.

418. Metallic, maybe?

419. Furry. Almost moving?

420. With perhaps maggoty undertones?

421. Who gave you the stupid idea

422. you could eat 12-day-old pork?

423. He did!

424. He's pigs! He's pigs!

425. I gotta restrain this one.

426. He's on to us.

427. This isn't an ambulance!

428. It's a goddamn hambulance!

429. Pigs. Pigs everywhere.

430. They're all pigs.

431. I think Steve ate a lot more than us.

432. Thanks for looking out for me, Jeff.

433. I'm glad to be back to my old self,

434. even if happy Hayley is gone for good.

435. It's all right, babe. I love you no matter what.

436. - Hey, you wanna grab a bite before the PETA protest? - Sure.

437. For some reason, I could go for a scoop of mint chip.

438. Hey, you're smiling babe. That's one for the scrap book.

439. I hate this part.