1. - Hello?
- Hey, babe.Copy !req
2. How's the dog-walking gig going?Copy !req
3. Oh, great, babe.Copy !req
4. I got Muffin here and
Delores, Clancy, Gizmo,Copy !req
5. and, of course, Cody.Copy !req
6. Little guy.Copy !req
7. Jeff, it's your first day,Copy !req
8. and you remembered every dog's name?Copy !req
9. Oh, I don't know if
that's their real names.Copy !req
10. It's just what I've been calling them.Copy !req
11. Wow, Jeff, you're really getting goodCopy !req
12. at making up names.Copy !req
13. Um, Jeff, I think someone might be here.Copy !req
14. Oh, my God. I totally forgot.Copy !req
15. It's happening!Copy !req
16. Jeff, listen carefully.Copy !req
17. I'm going to get taken.Copy !req
18. He's here.Copy !req
19. I don't think he sees...Copy !req
20. There you are, Hayley.Copy !req
21. Fooled again by my decoy legs.Copy !req
22. Let's go. It's President's Day!Copy !req
23. Thanks, boys.Copy !req
24. The rest of the day's yours.Copy !req
25. Aah!Copy !req
26. In just 51/2 hours,Copy !req
27. we'll be at the historic
home of our 20th president,Copy !req
28. James Garfield.Copy !req
29. Before you ask, James GarfieldCopy !req
30. is in no way related to Garfield the Cat.Copy !req
31. I know. I'm as surprised as you are.Copy !req
32. But, Dad, I was gonna
go see "Step Up 6" today.Copy !req
33. Ironically, of course.Copy !req
34. Although I do love the
dancing and the characters.Copy !req
35. But it's so lame.Copy !req
36. The stories are pretty awesome, too.Copy !req
37. Well, history's full of awesome stories.Copy !req
38. That's why every President's Day,Copy !req
39. we visit a presidential museum.Copy !req
40. - You've always loved it.
- You make me go.Copy !req
41. You used to put me on a leash.Copy !req
42. Hayley, as a husband and father,Copy !req
43. there are only a few things
more important to me than family.Copy !req
44. The first is American history,
followed by God, bald eagles,Copy !req
45. and all sports.Copy !req
46. - Go Bazooka Sharks!
- 'Zooka Sharks!Copy !req
47. You need to know history,Copy !req
48. especially now that you're old
enough to vote for president.Copy !req
49. Oh, my God, you're gonna
choose the president!Copy !req
50. Listen carefully, Hayley.Copy !req
51. I'll tell you who I'm voting
for so you can vote for him, too.Copy !req
52. Don't you mean her?Copy !req
53. Kids, you're all here for one reason.Copy !req
54. You signed up for the school newspaperCopy !req
55. so you wouldn't have to
do a sport this semester.Copy !req
56. I got hurt last time.Copy !req
57. Well, you ran your
fastest, and you fell down.Copy !req
58. That would hurt anybody.Copy !req
59. Here are your assignments.
O'Brien, debate team.Copy !req
60. Westbrook, student council.
Smith, football practice.Copy !req
61. Uh, sir, I was actually hoping
to cover the cheerleaders.Copy !req
62. I heard whoever reports on the
cheerleaders gets their pickCopy !req
63. of the bottom row of the pyramid.Copy !req
64. It's true, Smith.Copy !req
65. The cheerleader beat guaranteesCopy !req
66. dating a thick bottom-row beauty.Copy !req
67. But there's no way I'm assigning a rookieCopy !req
68. to report on the cheerleaders.Copy !req
69. But I don't know anything about football.Copy !req
70. Just write what you see.Copy !req
71. So, you're a reporter now.Copy !req
72. - Roger?
- Don't call me Roger.Copy !req
73. - Call me Deep Throat.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
74. Every reporter needs a Deep Throat, sonny.Copy !req
75. And I know things.Copy !req
76. I've seen things around this school.Copy !req
77. I have a story for you
that'll turn you into a legend.Copy !req
78. I don't need a Deep Throat, Roger.Copy !req
79. I bought the jacket, Steve. I'm doing this.Copy !req
80. In this room, we have manyCopy !req
81. of President Garfield's favorite things,Copy !req
82. but before you ask, we
don't have any lasagna.Copy !req
83. I made a joke like that earlier.Copy !req
84. Look, Hayley, there's James
Garfield's personal teapot.Copy !req
85. And his cooking pot. And his chamber pot!Copy !req
86. It's all one pot!Copy !req
87. - Isn't that fascinating?
- It's gross.Copy !req
88. That's life in the 18-sizzles.Copy !req
89. Now, here's a portrait
of President Garfield.Copy !req
90. I know what you're
thinking. He's very handsome.Copy !req
91. If I weren't already married,
I'd let this fella court me.Copy !req
92. But I am married. Happily so.Copy !req
93. To a doctor lawyer.Copy !req
94. Who's that?Copy !req
95. That's Charles Guiteau, the psychopathCopy !req
96. who tracked President
Garfield down like a bloodhoundCopy !req
97. and assassinated him.Copy !req
98. Guiteau was so crazy,Copy !req
99. he kept all his toenail clippings in a jar.Copy !req
100. Here, you can have one.Copy !req
101. This stuff is gross and boring.Copy !req
102. Oh, really? I want you
to look me in the eyeCopy !req
103. and tell me this shoe box of
dusty beard combs is boring.Copy !req
104. No, no! No, no!Copy !req
105. Don't you dare disrespect
President GarfieldCopy !req
106. by yawning in his library.Copy !req
107. Look what you're doing!Copy !req
108. You're patient zero of this yawn outbreak!Copy !req
109. Oh, God! I'm infected!Copy !req
110. I'm going out on my own terms!Copy !req
111. I did it. I hurt myself.Copy !req
112. Oh, do you mind if I eat my lunch here?Copy !req
113. My husband makes me a
tuna-fish sandwich every day,Copy !req
114. and I usually take it out to my carCopy !req
115. since the tuna's very fragrant.Copy !req
116. You don't have a husband.Copy !req
117. Oh, man, look at Stephanie over there.Copy !req
118. I am all about that bass.Copy !req
119. Peter's so lucky.Copy !req
120. No! Focus!Copy !req
121. Put all this energy into your reporting.Copy !req
122. Just write what I see.Copy !req
123. Okay.Copy !req
124. What do I...Copy !req
125. W-What was that thing?Copy !req
126. Oh, Hayley, I can't believe
you missed "Step Up 6."Copy !req
127. It was totes on fleek, bruh!Copy !req
128. At one point, Jenna was like,Copy !req
129. "Shawty don't play that
way," and Brittney was like,Copy !req
130. "Youse ain't nothin'
but a skim-toast honey."Copy !req
131. Really? I'm so bummed I missed it.Copy !req
132. Ugh, I wasted the whole
day at the Garfield museum.Copy !req
133. I got a hat.Copy !req
134. Hayley, I know you think history is boring,Copy !req
135. but I found someone I
bet can change your mind.Copy !req
136. James Garfield!Copy !req
137. Greetings.Copy !req
138. Take a load off, Garfy. I'm Klaus.Copy !req
139. I'm a bit of a favorite around here.Copy !req
140. So, who's this?Copy !req
141. I am James Abram Garfield,Copy !req
142. 20th President and Commander in ChiefCopy !req
143. of the 38 United States.Copy !req
144. Oh. Are you one of Stan's friends?Copy !req
145. Do you really expect us to
believe that's James Garfield?Copy !req
146. Well, yes.Copy !req
147. I took President Garfield's
beard comb from the museum,Copy !req
148. extracted DNA from one of the hairs,Copy !req
149. then used the new C.I.A. re-genesis labCopy !req
150. to "Jurassic Park" him back to life.Copy !req
151. But "Jurassic Park" wasn't
real. It was a movie.Copy !req
152. Sounds like somebody's been
to Trinidad but not Tobego.Copy !req
153. W-Why would you do this?Copy !req
154. Because you need to learn about history.Copy !req
155. And who's a better teacherCopy !req
156. than someone who is living history?Copy !req
157. How did you get the old-fashioned clothes?Copy !req
158. Easy. I dug up his grave and
put him in his funeral suit.Copy !req
159. - What?
- I'm kidding, Hayley.Copy !req
160. I had Garfield do it.Copy !req
161. There were thousands of worms in me!Copy !req
162. "At the snap, Jones busted
through the tight end,Copy !req
163. squirting into the backfieldCopy !req
164. and wrapping up the muscular
quarterback from behind,Copy !req
165. pounding him hard deep into the groundCopy !req
166. before he could get it off.Copy !req
167. Another tough sack."Copy !req
168. Now, that is how you
cover football practice.Copy !req
169. I can't wait to see what you
do with your next assignment.Copy !req
170. Great work, Smith.Copy !req
171. I just wrote what I saw.Copy !req
172. Well, it's the most
sensual piece of writingCopy !req
173. I've ever come across.Copy !req
174. And I've come across
a lot of sensual writing.Copy !req
175. Eh?Copy !req
176. You forget a lot, right,
that you're our principal?Copy !req
177. Hey there. Hey, hey.Copy !req
178. Hey!Copy !req
179. - You want the scoop?
- Not really.Copy !req
180. You've got a big story
right in front of you, Steve.Copy !req
181. You just have to figure
it out for yourself.Copy !req
182. I'm afraid I can't say any more.Copy !req
183. You'll hear from me when the time is right.Copy !req
184. I was supposed to get on that bus,Copy !req
185. but there was a lady
with a chicken on there.Copy !req
186. What is this, like,
Guatemala? What the hell?Copy !req
187. Leave your bird at home, lady.Copy !req
188. I can't really hear what you're saying!Copy !req
189. Ah, the United States Treasury.Copy !req
190. There is so much history in this building.Copy !req
191. Alexander Hamilton established
the national bank here.Copy !req
192. was written here.Copy !req
193. Both events of equal importance.Copy !req
194. - Are you taking notes, Hayley?
- Yeah, no.Copy !req
195. You see why you're
here, President Garfield?Copy !req
196. Why don't you tell her about your
famous bimetal monetary system.Copy !req
197. It was one of your great passions.Copy !req
198. Only after women and billiards.Copy !req
199. There's the kind of half-joke
that inspired the comic strip.Copy !req
200. Look! There's a penny press!Copy !req
201. Good heavens! The pictures are moving!Copy !req
202. That's a movie.Copy !req
203. It's where tweens go to get fingered.Copy !req
204. It's beautiful.Copy !req
205. Yeah. Wish we could go
to a movie right now.Copy !req
206. - Well, why don't we go?
- Really?Copy !req
207. I assume it's better than
listening to this muckamuck.Copy !req
208. So, as a Mint worker, you must get chicks.Copy !req
209. - No.
- That's incredible to me.Copy !req
210. And you tell them you're a Mint worker?Copy !req
211. Of course.Copy !req
212. They must be noticing your face like I am.Copy !req
213. Let's sneak away in that
terrifying horseless carriageCopy !req
214. - we came in.
- Let's do it.Copy !req
215. There's the exit.Copy !req
216. Dear girl, you can read?Copy !req
217. Sit down, you skim-toast honey.Copy !req
218. You can't hang with the bang-bang boogies.Copy !req
219. Oh, no, you can't, chicken head!Copy !req
220. Nice try, chicken head!Copy !req
221. This... is... incredible!Copy !req
222. Oh, orange soda? Yeah.Copy !req
223. This magical beverage
is called orange soda?Copy !req
224. Stop! Stop the devil
dancing and hop-hop music!Copy !req
225. My fellow citizens,Copy !req
226. I present to you an innovation
of magnificent import!Copy !req
227. It is called orange soda!Copy !req
228. Not since the invention of the telegraphCopy !req
229. has this country
encountered such ingenuity.Copy !req
230. Is it a fruit, or is it drink?Copy !req
231. - It's drink!
- No matter the answer,Copy !req
232. this artificial orangeCopy !req
233. has bested the orange
provided us by nature.Copy !req
234. This concoction I hold in my handCopy !req
235. indicates the exact momentCopy !req
236. where man has triumphed over God!Copy !req
237. I hereby declare today Orange Soda Day!Copy !req
238. Nice speech, chicken head!Copy !req
239. That was really beautiful.Copy !req
240. I gave a very similar speechCopy !req
241. when water went from brown to clear.Copy !req
242. "The students arrive
with bulging purple veins,Copy !req
243. eager for release."Copy !req
244. "They study the supple curves of a parabolaCopy !req
245. to find where the latus rectum is."Copy !req
246. "During practice, they
touch their counterpartsCopy !req
247. lightly in the chestCopy !req
248. with only the tip."Copy !req
249. "The boys pump sweet jelly
into the little triangle,Copy !req
250. careful not to overfill its delicate folds.Copy !req
251. Now the hamantaschen
is ready for Passover."Copy !req
252. "Cum laude."Copy !req
253. Cum real laude.Copy !req
254. Um... is detention over?Copy !req
255. It's been an hour.Copy !req
256. Fine, get back to class.Copy !req
257. But no more pointing out
errors in the textbooks.Copy !req
258. You'll remember the
Alambo, and you'll like it.Copy !req
259. Shh.Copy !req
260. As long as we don't wake up my dad,Copy !req
261. he'll totally forget we
ditched him in the morning.Copy !req
262. Okay. I'll lie down,Copy !req
263. but I don't foresee sleep in my future.Copy !req
264. Feels like there's a
possum dancing on my heart.Copy !req
265. It's just your bodyCopy !req
266. frantically trying to
process 18 orange sodas.Copy !req
267. Where have you two been?Copy !req
268. - Nowhere.
- Everywhere!Copy !req
269. We saw "Step Up 6," we drank orange soda,Copy !req
270. we rode a subterranean boxcar!Copy !req
271. Shut up... Mr. President.Copy !req
272. Dad, we had a good time.Copy !req
273. I saw a Polynesian!Copy !req
274. No! No, no, no! This is unacceptable!Copy !req
275. The only reason I brought you to lifeCopy !req
276. was to teach Hayley
history, but you're useless!Copy !req
277. Don't yell at him, Dad.Copy !req
278. I-I don't know how to get
this through your head,Copy !req
279. but I don't care about history.Copy !req
280. And in case you're wondering,Copy !req
281. this is the first President's DayCopy !req
282. I have ever enjoyed.Copy !req
283. You know, in fact, I would
rather spend any day with himCopy !req
284. than with you.Copy !req
285. As we used to say in the 1800s,Copy !req
286. awkward.Copy !req
287. Circulation is up, and the
Princeton Review just named usCopy !req
288. "Horniest school in the
Greater Langley Area."Copy !req
289. Smith, the cheerleaders are yours.Copy !req
290. Finally!Copy !req
291. Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
292. I've been so consumed with
my duties here at the paperCopy !req
293. that I've completely
forgotten to feed the janitors.Copy !req
294. Hey, have you seen Garfield?Copy !req
295. Oh, your dad's friend?
They went to the C.I.A.Copy !req
296. Stan said something likeCopy !req
297. "I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."Copy !req
298. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
299. And then he said "Are you
even listening to me, Francine?Copy !req
300. I'm worried about us. I feel
like we've been drifting apart."Copy !req
301. I'm getting better at his voice, right?Copy !req
302. The key is really listening.Copy !req
303. Stan, what is all this about?Copy !req
304. Why are you being such a muckamuck?Copy !req
305. If you're not gonna teach history,Copy !req
306. you're gonna be history.Copy !req
307. May I at least have one
final sip of orange soda?Copy !req
308. Fine.Copy !req
309. Aah!Copy !req
310. I shook them in the car earlier!Copy !req
311. That was from an hour ago.Copy !req
312. Didn't even stop when I yelled, "Stop."Copy !req
313. It's like when I'm trying to watch FallonCopy !req
314. and my wife won't stop banging me.Copy !req
315. Garfield doesn't deserve to be killed.Copy !req
316. God, we were just having fun.Copy !req
317. I need to find him before my dad does.Copy !req
318. Good luck tracking that
guy down. He's clever.Copy !req
319. He threw up a ton of orange stuffCopy !req
320. and then slipped right
out of his straight jacket.Copy !req
321. There was someone who
tracked Garfield down.Copy !req
322. Like a bloodhound.Copy !req
323. And I have his toenail!Copy !req
324. Has anyone seen a man with a beard?Copy !req
325. Whoa.Copy !req
326. It's cool to have a beard now.Copy !req
327. God, where could he be?Copy !req
328. I got an orange chai latte here.Copy !req
329. Orange.Copy !req
330. Wait a minute, everyone shut up!Copy !req
331. Orange.Copy !req
332. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?Copy !req
333. He's at the banana soda factory!Copy !req
334. That closed years ago.Copy !req
335. That's right.Copy !req
336. Okay, now I need complete silence,Copy !req
337. and I'm not kidding anymore.Copy !req
338. You have an idea, don't
you? It's okay, just say it.Copy !req
339. - Orange soda fac...
- Orange soda factory!Copy !req
340. Shut up! I did it.Copy !req
341. Okay, Mr. Guiteau. I know
you're a presidential assassin,Copy !req
342. and from what I read on Murderpedia,Copy !req
343. you're probably legally insane.Copy !req
344. I've not seen such bright lights
since I came out the cervix!Copy !req
345. But I really need you to
help me find my friend...Copy !req
346. James Garfield.Copy !req
347. Garfield?Copy !req
348. He must see the devil's eye!Copy !req
349. All right, you horn dogs. Gather round.Copy !req
350. And let's hear what the ShakespeareCopy !req
351. of soft-core student journalismCopy !req
352. has to say about the cheerleaders.Copy !req
353. All right, all right, all right! Yeah!Copy !req
354. "The cheerleading squad took their talentsCopy !req
355. to the South Lakes
Invitational on Friday night.Copy !req
356. They arrived in their warm-ups,Copy !req
357. although they already looked pretty hot."Copy !req
358. Clean up on aisle my stomach!Copy !req
359. "As they peeled off their sweatpants,Copy !req
360. the tournament happened,Copy !req
361. and it's my understanding
they came in third."Copy !req
362. What? That's not sexy.Copy !req
363. This thing isn't even al dente.Copy !req
364. I don't know what happened!Copy !req
365. I saw one high leg kick, and I passed out!Copy !req
366. - Boo!
- Smith's a tease!Copy !req
367. Steve.Copy !req
368. Did you paint a shadow on your face?Copy !req
369. I was dressed up in blackface earlier.Copy !req
370. You're not the only
one with stuff going on.Copy !req
371. Looks like you finally
figured out the story.Copy !req
372. No, I didn't. I have no
idea what's happening.Copy !req
373. You were the story, Steve.Copy !req
374. You used all your
pent-up sexual frustrationCopy !req
375. to turn out the most elegant pornographyCopy !req
376. this school has ever seen.Copy !req
377. But when you finally saw a little skin,Copy !req
378. it was too much for
you, and you experiencedCopy !req
379. what medical experts refer
to as an "ejacu-faint."Copy !req
380. That's when 100% of your
blood is in your wiener.Copy !req
381. You're lucky to be alive, Steve.Copy !req
382. - And that's the real headline.
- Nope.Copy !req
383. The real headline is you're fired.Copy !req
384. Looks like you're the second
worst reporter out thereCopy !req
385. named Stephen A. Smith.Copy !req
386. Ahh.Copy !req
387. Garfield! I'm taking you back to the lab.Copy !req
388. Are you off your chump, sir?Copy !req
389. I just tapped this 20-ton
cylinder of orange soda.Copy !req
390. - My president!
- Aah!Copy !req
391. I must give you an eternal earth bath!Copy !req
392. Hayley, what are you doing
here? Let go of that man.Copy !req
393. But, Dad, it's Charles Guiteau.Copy !req
394. If I let him go, he'll kill Garfield.Copy !req
395. You remembered Charles Guiteau?Copy !req
396. I guess I did learn
something about history.Copy !req
397. I'm taking you to the lordy!Copy !req
398. Aah!Copy !req
399. - Aah!
- Hayley, no!Copy !req
400. Baby girl! You're okay!Copy !req
401. I think my arm is broken in sev...Copy !req
402. I was wrong.Copy !req
403. These President's Day trips
were never about history.Copy !req
404. They were about spending time with you,Copy !req
405. driving all over the map.Copy !req
406. I'm embarrassed to say this,
but I care more about youCopy !req
407. than the presidents.Copy !req
408. So, any chance we can let Garfield live?Copy !req
409. Why not? Besides, at the rate
he's drinking orange soda,Copy !req
410. he'll be dead in a month.Copy !req
411. "Step Up 6" just came out,Copy !req
412. and there's already a "Step Up 7."Copy !req
413. - Isn't that great?
- Do I need to know anythingCopy !req
414. from the first six to get what's happening?Copy !req
415. Oh, you turnt it up, young swag.Copy !req
416. You got to mupload that ish.Copy !req
417. Well, I think I'm caught up.Copy !req
418. Did you hear that old man
talkin' 'bout bein' on fleek?Copy !req
419. That's so last year.Copy !req
420. Get with the times, muckamuck.Copy !req