American Dad! 13x18

Directed by Rodney Clouden

Gail Borges as Teacher (voice) • Kelen Coleman as Gordon's Salt Girl (voice) • John Moschitta Jr. as Announcer (voice)

When Stan discovers a salt mine in the backyard, the Morton Salt Company wants to buy it. It turns out Steve is the rightful owner of the land, and he faces pressure from the family to sell.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Aah!

2. Hey, Damien, what you gonna do when the space war is over?

3. Open a Lady Foot Locker, hang myself in the back.

4. You know, take it easy.

5. It's an ambush!

6. They're everywhere!

7. Tell my wife that I loved you.

8. Just in time, Phillip.

9. Dino-sorry we're late.

10. You guys really saved our asses.

11. You mean your cabooses.

12. Train!

13. I'm a train!

14. Dad, I was playing there!

15. That's why I threw my briefcase on top of it.

16. The symbolism is just too delicious.

17. Adulthood is crashing down on you, Steve.

18. You're too old to be playing with toys.

19. What?

20. You're never too old to play.

21. Using your imagination's a healthy way

22. to escape reality for a spell.

23. No, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

24. Steve, you're 14; no more make-believe.

25. But I love making believe.

26. Well, it's time to give all that up and become an adult.

27. Never!

28. Jet pack activate!

29. To forever and above!

30. You're a dick, Steve.

31. Ugh, I don't have the fingers for this.

32. I have the fingers for a lot of things:

33. seasoning pizza dough, snapping along to R&B songs,

34. finger banging.

35. Bang-bang! Bang-bang!

36. Good, right?

37. Not at first but then yes, it got very good.

38. Damn, bitch!

39. What happened to you?

40. I slipped at the market and landed on my head and nose.

41. The manager was so scared I was gonna sue,

42. he gave me free steaks!

43. Smart. There's no way a lawsuit could have been

44. more lucrative than two supermarket steaks.

45. Right. So I was thinking, Stan's working late,

46. how 'bout I cook up a nice steak dinner for the two of us?

47. Hey! Fun!

48. Not a lot of fun, but enough.

49. What can I bring?

50. Mm, maybe a nice bottle of wine?

51. Oh, you bitch.

52. You did it.

53. Stupid, stupid bitch

54. doesn't even know.

55. She is gonna get the best bottle of wine

56. of her stupid bitch life.

57. She-she doesn't even know!

58. Oh, no.

59. Where's the Rain Duck?

60. Damn it, all out. Got to hit the store.

61. But what car to take?

62. Ah, '97 Toyota Camry.

63. Only 32 made in the world.

64. Maybe I'll take my bike.

65. Such a nice day.

66. Now stay tuned for Jimmy Kimmel Live.

67. Oh, man!

68. This is gonna be so good. I need this.

69. I don't know if you've picked up on my vibe lately,

70. but I've been pretty upset.

71. Steve won't stop playing with toys.

72. Oh, you're bugging, huh?

73. Yeah, but not for long.

74. Because tonight, when Steve's asleep,

75. I'm gonna go in and get rid of all his toys.

76. Nice.

77. Ninety-eight-point-six.

78. I'm telling you, I feel warm.

79. Check it again.

80. Evening, Robbie.

81. Any intelligence to report?

82. Tonight, when Steve's asleep,

83. I'm gonna go in and get rid of all his toys.

84. Oh, dear Lord.

85. I knew this day would come.

86. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention.

87. Tonight, we fight for our lives!

88. yeah!

89. String on tail.

90. Obviously, that's nothing.

91. Ooh!

92. Steve, h-hand over the gun, okay?

93. L-Let's talk.

94. I think we'll leave the talk to Tavis Smiley,

95. weeknights on PBS.

96. Good job, men.

97. Our victory was hard-fought and well-deserved.

98. Please, make the pain go away.

99. I, uh, think he meant, like, an Advil.

100. What am I gonna do about Steve?

101. He's gonna play with toys forever!

102. Calm down.

103. Steve will leave his toys behind

104. when he gets interested in adult things.

105. What, like, mung beans and regret?

106. No. Sex.

107. As soon as Steve gets a taste of vachooch,

108. those toys will be a thing of the past.

109. But that could take forever.

110. Steve is not a... sensual boy.

111. No, but my cologne is.

112. Sensual Boy by Klaus.

113. Smell it.

114. And that's why it's virtually impossible for me to get fired,

115. no matter what I do.

116. Hi-ya!

117. Karate.

118. Steve, get up. We're going to Mexico.

119. I'm taking you to a whorehouse to get you laid.

120. Uh, okay.

121. Didn't see my day going this way, but good, okay.

122. Hi-ya!

123. Now, son, these Mexican call girls have seen

124. thousands of men, so when they tell you you're the best

125. they've ever had, it's quite a compliment.

126. Steve?

127. You all right, Philip?

128. You look a little green.

129. Hey! Where'd that toy come from?

130. You got to have a road toy.

131. Son, I am bringing you to Mexico

132. to show you that you don't need toys anymore!

133. And by the way, father of the year here.

134. This is how I wish I lost my virginity.

135. Not to some coked-up airhead.

136. Didn't you lose your virginity to Mom?

137. Mm-hmm.

138. Roget!

139. Seb!

140. Seb, mon ami, a sweet stupid lady has invited me for steaks,

141. and only a bottle of Rain Duck will do.

142. Oh, je regrette.

143. They are no longer making the Rain Duck,

144. and we just sold our last bottle.

145. What? To who?

146. To the homosexual news team.

147. Oh, my God, Greg and Terry— they love me!

148. They'll totally give me that bottle!

149. Hola.

150. Business or pleasure?

151. Buying pleasure is my business.

152. Oh!

153. Oh-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!

154. Yes.

155. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha,

156. ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

157. (laughing, high- Hee! He-he-he-he, he-he!

158. Steve, what are you doing?

159. Just trying to get in on it.

160. Well, don't.

161. You're embarrassing me in front of my best friend.

162. Hey, Terry, it's me— Wait, who do you know me as?

163. Stan's Uncle Roger.

164. Good for me for keeping it simple.

165. So, the guys over at the wine store accidentally sold you

166. a bottle of Rain Duck they were holding for me.

167. I'll just grab the wine,

168. and in return, I will give you back your garage keys.

169. I sometimes sleep under your car.

170. Like a cat or a meth addict.

171. I'm not a cat.

172. Listen, we bought the Rain Duck.

173. It's our Rain Duck.

174. You're out of luck. You're out of Duck.

175. Good one, T!

176. Oh. Well.

177. That's surely the last you'll hear from me

178. regarding this matter.

179. Good day.

180. Francine, postpone the steaks!

181. Are you talking to me?

182. You have to talk louder if you want me to hear you!

183. I said postpone the steaks!

184. I don't have the wine!

185. Can't we just drink a different wine?

186. You're getting a punch!

187. What?

188. When I get over there, I'm going to punch you!

189. Please don't! Two punches!

190. What? Why?

191. I'm gonna keep adding punches.

192. Here we are, son.

193. Behind that door lies a goddess

194. who will usher you into adulthood.

195. Man, I'm excited.

196. Sh-Should I, should I get one, too?

197. Sh-Should— no, no.

198. I mean, maybe. I mean, no, no.

199. I don't know, I don't know, probably.

200. Quieres sex?

201. Whew!

202. That was unexpected.

203. Was she... was that...

204. was she cooking?

205. I-I don't know what the plan was for that tortilla.

206. Not to worry though, plenty of first-class cathouses down here.

207. We'll just go to another.

208. Now, this is more like it, eh?

209. Take your pick of the ladies.

210. Line up, girls!

211. Pick me! Pick me!

212. No, pick me, Papi, I do it better!

213. What he hell's going on down here?

214. Well, son, I guess finding a good brothel

215. is a bit like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

216. I'm sure the third one will be just right.

217. I was wrong!

218. The third one was the worst!

219. Horchata!

220. Horchata deliciosa!

221. Dad, this is awful.

222. Can we go home?

223. You think I'm not upset?

224. I wanted to watch my little boy with a whore.

225. Aw, seriously, Mexico?

226. Hi!

227. I'm Christopher, and this is my adopted daughter Opal Louise.

228. We are having quite a day.

229. My Prius's nickel battery is acting up,

230. my iPhone's as dead as Farrah Fawcett,

231. and my life partner Michael

232. is at a Grey Goose event in Reykjavik.

233. Can I use your phone?

234. Get... in... my house... now.

235. Can you take my baby into the other room?

236. I prefer her not to see me use landlines.

237. I get it.

238. Wait a minute.

239. There's no Grey Goose event in Reykjavik this week...

240. Who are you?

241. Ouah! Roger!

242. What about your baby?

243. Keep it!

244. Hey... you can't drive with no wheels.

245. Thank you, genius!

246. My cousin sells tires.

247. You want me take you there?

248. Really?

249. Wow, I was just about to give up on this country.

250. Thank you, Mexican.

251. Friends, burritos, you are the first good thing to happen to us

252. in this godforsaken country.

253. You know, most of our country is wonderful.

254. Oh, by the way?

255. You're being kidnapped right now.

256. Oh, come on, Mexico!

257. Dad, I don't feel so good.

258. Horchata!

259. What do you want from us?

260. Firstly? For you not to yell. I am right here.

261. We're a drug cartel,

262. so it's just good to have white people around.

263. Maybe we sell you, maybe we make sex with you...

264. Well, son, this is where we die.

265. We had a good run.

266. Mine better than yours, but it's not a competition.

267. I win.

268. Dad, you'll think of something else, right?

269. Nope, Daddy's shuttin' down.

270. Pop, you need to eat.

271. You're wasting away.

272. You're doing a reverse Vince Vaughn.

273. Sorry, kiddo, it's time to face reality.

274. We're gonna die.

275. Well, if you won't eat for me,

276. maybe you'll do it for...

277. Pedro!

278. That's right, man!

279. You need to eat, so you can get strong

280. and come on a wonderful adventure!

281. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

282. I... I don't want to play, Steve.

283. Mmm.

284. This food can be anything you want

285. if you use your imagination.

286. I'm eating taquitos!

287. My favorite, except they make me toot.

288. Whoops, there I go.

289. Can you smell it?

290. Is it stinky?

291. Stop farting, Pedro!

292. It's so stinky!

293. I smell it!

294. I can smell your farts, Pedro!

295. And Pedro, you're so...

296. handsome.

297. Welcome to the world of imagination.

298. In here, you can imagine whatever you want.

299. Anything?

300. Anything.

301. You're quite good.

302. I know.

303. Okay, the steaks are almost ready.

304. Where's the wine?

305. Just moments away, sweetheart.

306. My Rube Goldberg device will deliver the Rain Duck

307. right into our hands.

308. (high- When I was a little girl, Grover Cleveland was President.

309. Now we wait until they notice our power is out

310. and come over to check on us.

311. Ah, screw it.

312. I'm done waiting for this wine.

313. Damn Rube Goldberg, family of flies...

314. 600 bucks on dominos...

315. Hey, Francine.

316. Oh God! My face!

317. Oh...

318. Your face. Your face!

319. Our faces...

320. You got it!

321. That's how you get a bottle of Rain Duck!

322. String on a corkscrew...

323. Obviously that's nothing.

324. You wanted both steaks.

325. Mm-hmm. Mmm.

326. Is Francine dead?

327. I don't know.

328. You know who else was a cockroach?

329. Theo Huxtable's best friend.

330. Oh, that's right, that's right.

331. Hey, Dad! Look!

332. It's a food drop!

333. It's coming in for a landing!

334. Nom, nom, nom.

335. Nom, nom, nom, nom.

336. Wow.

337. When was the last time you had that much fun?

338. Years.

339. Oh. So you didn't have fun at my birthday party last week?

340. Dude, there was a huge fire; all those people died.

341. Oh, God, yeah.

342. Wow, those guys look so bummed.

343. That gives me an idea.

344. Hey, amigos.

345. Wanna play?

346. Hey, look!

347. Two handsome Latino astronauts!

348. Yes! We are back from space!

349. We went to Jupiter...

350. We went to...

351. one of those other planets.

352. Hey, while you were gone, the space puppies were born.

353. Oh my God, I knew that would happen!

354. Can we see them?

355. Can you see them?

356. You're their uncles.

357. I hope you'll see them.

358. I hope you'll have a great relationship with them.

359. So cute! Oh, so cute!

360. I know! I'm freaking out about it!

361. You guys want to pet them?

362. Yes, yes, sí.

363. Yes, yes!

364. All right, I'll let you in,

365. but you gotta keep the door closed so they don't escape.

366. We'll be right out here, taking pictures and waving.

367. Come on, Dad! Let's go!

368. Oh...

369. Deceived once again by whimsy.

370. I am impressed, son.

371. How did you trick those guards like that?

372. I could see they were desperate to escape their reality,

373. so I just provided an opportunity.

374. I do it all the time at home.

375. Geez, is your life really that bad?

376. Sometimes.

377. More often than I'd like.

378. It'd be really nice to talk to somebody about it.

379. Anyway...

380. Well, I gotta hand it to you.

381. I would've starved to death if you hadn't shown me how to play.

382. You keep your toys.

383. Thanks, Dad.

384. And thank you, Pedro.

385. See you around.

386. "See you around"?

387. Are you kidding me?

388. I saved your lives!

389. Come back, you cowards!

390. I'll kill you!

391. I'll hunt you down and kill you!

392. Bye! Have a beautiful time.

393. Bye! Have a beautiful time.