1. Stan!Copy !req
2. You got to clean
this goddamn patio!Copy !req
3. Stan, I need you
to sign this permission slipCopy !req
4. for a school trip.
Well, I'm a little busyCopy !req
5. getting 20 years of crap
off the patio.Copy !req
6. Is Brett Ratner's career
on the patio?Copy !req
7. Oh-ho-ho!
Burn!Copy !req
8. Tell you what —
You sign my permission slip,Copy !req
9. and I'll loan you
my power washer.Copy !req
10. You think it's strong enough
to do the job?Copy !req
11. Let's just say
the Statue of LibertyCopy !req
12. uses it to shower...Copy !req
13. which she doesn't do often,
'cause she's French.Copy !req
14. B-B-B-B-Burn!Copy !req
15. You know
that's paint thinner.Copy !req
16. Yeah, nice try.
I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
17. I souped it up
with a little alien tech.Copy !req
18. By alien,
I mean Detroit.Copy !req
19. Let's turn
this country around.Copy !req
20. Let's make things again.Copy !req
21. Whoa!Copy !req
22. Whoa! Roger!Copy !req
23. Nice, huh?
No, shut it off!Copy !req
24. Damn it, Roger!Copy !req
25. Not used to holding a tool
with that kind of power, Stan?Copy !req
26. I'm kidding.Copy !req
27. I've seen yours
while you were sleeping.Copy !req
28. It's great.Copy !req
29. Oh...
Oh...Copy !req
30. my...
my...Copy !req
31. God.
God.Copy !req
32. Jinx! Now you can't talk
till I say your name, Stan.Copy !req
33. Ah, damn it!Copy !req
34. Aah!Copy !req
35. What the hell is that?Copy !req
36. What's going on?Copy !req
37. You burning
some punk-ass fools?Copy !req
38. Do Hayley next.
The yard!Copy !req
39. Stan was cleaning the patio
with my power washer,Copy !req
40. and it kind of
got away from him.Copy !req
41. Because it has a Trans Am engine
strapped to it.Copy !req
42. You used to be stronger.Copy !req
43. But, look.
Stan struck something.Copy !req
44. White, dusty oil?Copy !req
45. Lawn dandruff?Copy !req
46. A third ridiculous guess?Copy !req
47. I think
I know what this is.Copy !req
48. Yep, that's salt.Copy !req
49. It's a salt deposit.Copy !req
50. Oh, my God!Copy !req
51. Did you guys
think it was cocaine?Copy !req
52. Cocaine doesn't grow
underground, dumb-asses.Copy !req
53. You got to make that shit,
with blood and sweat.Copy !req
54. And a little bit of salt.Copy !req
55. You got to cut it with salt
to hit your margins.Copy !req
56. So I guess
we have 1% of cocaine here.Copy !req
57. And a big mess
to clean up.Copy !req
58. This isn't a mess.Copy !req
59. This could be
our future.Copy !req
60. Is salt valuable?Copy !req
61. I don't know.Copy !req
62. No way.Copy !req
63. Wendy Williams could totally
beat up Connie Chung.Copy !req
64. Sure, sure,
but, I mean, no one was talkingCopy !req
65. about either of those people
before you said that.Copy !req
66. I spoke
to the Gordon Salt people,Copy !req
67. and they said we
might have a valuable
resource in our yard.Copy !req
68. And if we do, they'd like to pay
us for the right to take it.Copy !req
69. You mean mine it,
like minerals?Copy !req
70. Ha. If you want to talk
like a ground scientist.Copy !req
71. A geologist?
What?Copy !req
72. Wait, honey.Copy !req
73. You want a functioning salt mine
in our backyard?Copy !req
74. Well, I sure as heck don't want
a non-functioning one.Copy !req
75. Stan, it's our yard.Copy !req
76. Our sanctuary.Copy !req
77. Our happy place.Copy !req
78. We used to have
treasure huntsCopy !req
79. where you'd write clues for me
and hide them around the yard.Copy !req
80. I know we're a family,Copy !req
81. so we usually pretend
everyone gets a vote.Copy !req
82. But, come on, guys.
It's me.Copy !req
83. I'm gonna do what I want.Copy !req
84. And I want
to see who that is.Copy !req
85. Mr. Smith,
we're with Gordon Salt.Copy !req
86. Wow.
You got here quick.Copy !req
87. There was a police chase on 95,
so we just drafted off that.Copy !req
88. Good news, Mr. Smith —Copy !req
89. A big shaft here would tap
into a significant vein of salt.Copy !req
90. Hear that?Copy !req
91. I'm gonna have
a big veiny shaft.Copy !req
92. Are they salt executives
or genies?Copy !req
93. Oh!Copy !req
94. Did I miss a burn?Copy !req
95. Please, excuse my family.Copy !req
96. They have some concernsCopy !req
97. about what exactly
is going to happen here.Copy !req
98. Let me put you folks at ease.Copy !req
99. Mr. Smith here will sign
his mineral rights over to us,Copy !req
100. and we'll give him
a big check.Copy !req
101. Then we'll tear up your yard,
take all the salt out,Copy !req
102. and fill in the hole
when we're done...Copy !req
103. if there's time...Copy !req
104. which there won't be.Copy !req
105. As long as there's time
to write that big check.Copy !req
106. Mom, why are you
switching sides?Copy !req
107. Because now there's a side
that has a big check on it.Copy !req
108. And just to be clear, you mean
a physically huge check?Copy !req
109. I've always wanted
to hold one of those.Copy !req
110. Feel like
I won a golf tournamentCopy !req
111. or I'm a landlord and one
of my tenants is a giant.Copy !req
112. If you're looking
to buy our mineral rights,Copy !req
113. you best be talking to me —
Steve, the legal owner.Copy !req
114. I also have big news.Copy !req
115. One of these guys stepped
in dog turd on the way in.Copy !req
116. There's size-9 poo spots
all over the house.Copy !req
117. Here's where I keep
all my important documents —Copy !req
118. Big Wheel warranty,Copy !req
119. construction schematics
for my Lego Millennium Falcon,Copy !req
120. Barry's do-not-resuscitate
order.Copy !req
121. Ah! This!Copy !req
122. Um, can you get your shoes
off my duvet, please?Copy !req
123. This is a contract,
signed eight years ago,Copy !req
124. transferring all mineral rights
on our property from Dad to me.Copy !req
125. How is that possible?Copy !req
126. Oh.
I can explain.Copy !req
127. Uh-Uh! You think
I brought you to my roomCopy !req
128. so you could do
the talking?Copy !req
129. "Your scavenger hunt
has come to an end.Copy !req
130. Your very last clue
is on the ladder, my schmend."Copy !req
131. "Schmend"?Copy !req
132. Wouldn't "friend"
have been the perfect rhyme?Copy !req
133. You have a lot to learn
about schmendship.Copy !req
134. Ooh!
Treasure!Copy !req
135. No, Steve,
those aren't the treasure.Copy !req
136. They're just
the clue holder-downers.Copy !req
137. But they're so shiny.Copy !req
138. So is Hayley's forehead,Copy !req
139. but you wouldn't call that
a treasure.Copy !req
140. Oh.Copy !req
141. "Down the slide
and in the ground,Copy !req
142. your special treasure
you'll have found."Copy !req
143. Ha ha!Copy !req
144. Treasure!Copy !req
145. No,
that's just more rocks.Copy !req
146. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
147. That's the treasure.Copy !req
148. Baseball cards.Copy !req
149. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
150. Well, open 'em.
Let's see who you got.Copy !req
151. Must be
some kind of mistake.Copy !req
152. They're all the same card.Copy !req
153. No variety.Copy !req
154. Not like the rocks.Copy !req
155. Oh, my God!Copy !req
156. They're all Ken Griffey Jr.
rookie cards.Copy !req
157. They must be worth
a fortune.Copy !req
158. Francine, what have you
always wanted to buy?Copy !req
159. We keep putting off
that procedure on my hip.Copy !req
160. Right!
A fan boat!Copy !req
161. Mwah!
Um, Dad?Copy !req
162. Isn't that my treasure?Copy !req
163. Technically, yes.Copy !req
164. But wouldn't you rather have all
the rocks in the whole yard?Copy !req
165. That would be awesome!Copy !req
166. But how would
I get them all out?Copy !req
167. You don't have to.Copy !req
168. You see, Steve,
owning land can be differentCopy !req
169. than owning the minerals
inside that land.Copy !req
170. So now you have
the mineral rights.Copy !req
171. And all I have
are these pieces of cardboard.Copy !req
172. Sucker!Copy !req
173. Okay, you're making me
look bad, Steve.Copy !req
174. 'Cause after
you called me a sucker,Copy !req
175. I definitely threw you
in the pool,Copy !req
176. 'cause I don't take
that shit.Copy !req
177. Nor should you.Copy !req
178. But we're really more
concerned with the contract.Copy !req
179. Please. That can't
possibly be legally binding.Copy !req
180. I thought
you might say that...Copy !req
181. which is why I went down
to city hall this morningCopy !req
182. and got it stamped.Copy !req
183. Hmm.
Yep, it's official.Copy !req
184. And if anyone knows what's
"official," it's a fish, y'all!Copy !req
185. Look, we're here on business,
and you, young man,Copy !req
186. are the person we should be
doing business with.Copy !req
187. So there's still
a big check.Copy !req
188. It's just for Steve...Copy !req
189. my favorite boy.Copy !req
190. Our favorite boy.Copy !req
191. Put 'er there, son.Copy !req
192. Psych!
Whoo!Copy !req
193. No deal, mister.Copy !req
194. Eight years ago,
my dad tried to rip me off.Copy !req
195. Well, now I'm the one
who's gonna do the ripping —Copy !req
196. and the tearing.Copy !req
197. The ripping and the tearing,Copy !req
198. right through his plan
to destroy our backyard.Copy !req
199. My backyard.
My minerals.Copy !req
200. Listen, Jeremy, is it?
Steve.Copy !req
201. I respect the sexual frustration
behind your decision.Copy !req
202. What? No, no.
That's not why I —Copy !req
203. You're obviously a virgin.Copy !req
204. That has nothing
to do with —Copy !req
205. But here's the thing,
Jer-bear —Copy !req
206. Gordon always gets its salt.Copy !req
207. He's the virgin.Copy !req
208. Not even close!Copy !req
209. I've had sex
with lots of girls.Copy !req
210. Name one.Copy !req
211. Hi.
Hey.Copy !req
212. What's that?
It's a Lego
Millennium Falcon —Copy !req
213. minus a floor panel,
which I'mCopy !req
214. praying
fell behind my trundle bed.Copy !req
215. 'Cause without it,
Han and Chewie are screwedCopy !req
216. when they need to hide
from Imperial troops.Copy !req
217. They'd just be sittingCopy !req
218. in a wide-open smuggler's hatch
like idiots.Copy !req
219. You're fun
and interesting.
I am?Copy !req
220. Want to go out some time?Copy !req
221. Um, sure!Copy !req
222. I'm Steve.
What's your name?Copy !req
223. Whatever you want it to be.Copy !req
224. Franci— Hold on.Copy !req
225. This is
all going too easily.Copy !req
226. Wait.
You look familiar.Copy !req
227. Yellow raincoat, box of salt
leaking on your shoes...Copy !req
228. blue umbrella!Copy !req
229. You're
the Gordon Salt Girl!Copy !req
230. And she can be yours.Copy !req
231. All you have to do is
sign over the mineral rights.Copy !req
232. I already told you — No.Copy !req
233. Seriously. She'll do
anything you want, or...Copy !req
234. I'll do
anything you want?Copy !req
235. Stop.Copy !req
236. You two may be dead inside,
but I'm not.Copy !req
237. I'm alive —
with family memoriesCopy !req
238. of barbecues
and trying sportsCopy !req
239. and sweet, lazy
Sunday afternoons.Copy !req
240. Mr. Smith!Copy !req
241. Sorry.
It's just these people are —Copy !req
242. Are you playing with Legos
in my class?Copy !req
243. I'm doing a build,
if that's what you're asking.Copy !req
244. It's distracting.Copy !req
245. So are the two adult strangers
in your class.Copy !req
246. Nice try, Steve.Copy !req
247. But us adults
stick together.Copy !req
248. Long day.Copy !req
249. Yeah.Copy !req
250. The Gordon people
were all over —Copy !req
251. No, I mean
I had a long day.Copy !req
252. I got hurt
on our field trip.Copy !req
253. We went to Mount Vernon,
so as you'd expect,Copy !req
254. I got my arm busted
by a bunch of Hells Angels.Copy !req
255. Sign my cast?
Sure.Copy !req
256. No, no.
Not there, not there.Copy !req
257. Right there.Copy !req
258. Got to leave room
for Zachary and Ella.Copy !req
259. I'm gonna have them sign
next to each other,Copy !req
260. 'cause then
when I break them up,Copy !req
261. Ella's gonna cry every time
she sees my cast,Copy !req
262. and I'm gonna love it,Copy !req
263. 'cause she was such a bitch
to me at the lockers last week.Copy !req
264. I know
this is all made up.
Some of it.Copy !req
265. Roger, leave Steve alone.Copy !req
266. Thanks, Mom, but I already have
a chocolate milk martini.Copy !req
267. This is a real martini.Copy !req
268. It's okay.
You're a man now.Copy !req
269. A man with mineral rights.Copy !req
270. Get drunk!Copy !req
271. Then decide
what to do with them.Copy !req
272. I can't believe it!Copy !req
273. You want me to sell out
to the salt people!Copy !req
274. No!
I want you to get drunk.Copy !req
275. I believe
that once you get drunk,Copy !req
276. you'll sell out
to the salt people.Copy !req
277. But what about
our family memories?Copy !req
278. We'll buy new memories —
with all that salt money.Copy !req
279. And we don't have to share it
with your dad.Copy !req
280. In fact, we can give him
this poison martini.Copy !req
281. Piss off, Francine.Copy !req
282. I've got too much
to live for,Copy !req
283. knowing I still have
my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards.Copy !req
284. Um, actually,
you don't.Copy !req
285. I put them in the spokes
of my bike last year.Copy !req
286. But they were locked away
in my safe.Copy !req
287. Stan, honey,
I hate to break this to you,Copy !req
288. but I am your safe.Copy !req
289. It's one of my personas.
What?Copy !req
290. I'm also
the downstairs toilet.Copy !req
291. My cards!Copy !req
292. Made me feel bossCopy !req
293. when I was riding down
the street, flossin'!Copy !req
294. You ruined them.Copy !req
295. Those were my cards!
Mine!Copy !req
296. I hate this place!Copy !req
297. So, we've had some difficulty
getting your son to play ball.Copy !req
298. That's because he can't
play ball very well,Copy !req
299. so he gets self-conscious
about it.Copy !req
300. You just need to start
playing like it's no big deal,Copy !req
301. and eventually,
he'll join in.Copy !req
302. Charles.Copy !req
303. You're a big meanie.Copy !req
304. My God, are you the man
of your house, or aren't you?Copy !req
305. Because a man wouldn't let
a boy's contractCopy !req
306. stop him
from making this deal.Copy !req
307. But it's signed.Copy !req
308. And stamped.Copy !req
309. You heard the fish.
Oh.Copy !req
310. I didn't want to come to this.
I really didn't.Copy !req
311. What the hell is that?Copy !req
312. This, Mr. Smith, is
the original Gordon Salt Girl,Copy !req
313. preserved by salt...Copy !req
314. and angered by delays.Copy !req
315. Get me that salt!Copy !req
316. What are you doing?Copy !req
317. I believe the legal term
is take-backs.Copy !req
318. Destroying a young boy's
signed contract —Copy !req
319. truly low, sir.Copy !req
320. And exactly the kind of thing
I knew you'd do...Copy !req
321. which is why...Copy !req
322. I moved the real contract
to Snot's for safekeeping.Copy !req
323. Well played, son.Copy !req
324. You anticipated my move
and had the foresightCopy !req
325. to stash the contract
at a secure off-site location.Copy !req
326. Which begs the question,
why did you bring it home?Copy !req
327. Well, I went to check on it,Copy !req
328. and contrary
to what I'd been assured,Copy !req
329. Snot did not have
a proper file cabinet.Copy !req
330. Where was it?
Like, on his desk or something?Copy !req
331. Yeah, with —
Other crap all over the place.Copy !req
332. Yes. And it's
not like somethingCopy !req
333. was for sure
going to happen to it.Copy !req
334. It's just —
There's a right way
to do things.Copy !req
335. Exactly.
Totally get it.Copy !req
336. Hey, Steve, did you knowCopy !req
337. there's a Lego piece
behind your dresser?Copy !req
338. Looks like the door
to a smuggler's hatch.Copy !req
339. All right, Dad!Copy !req
340. As soon as this salt war is
over, I'll thank you properly!Copy !req
341. Dad's trying
to destroy the contractCopy !req
342. so he can sell out
to Gordon.Copy !req
343. Uh-huh.
You got to help me.Copy !req
344. Do I?
Of course you do.Copy !req
345. You don't want
a salt mine in our yard.Copy !req
346. What about our memories
and the environment?Copy !req
347. Hmm.
I do love those things.Copy !req
348. I also love the idea that if
there's a salt mine in the yard,Copy !req
349. I can protest it
without getting out of bed.
Hayley, no!Copy !req
350. Basically, this is
the lazy protester's dream.Copy !req
351. So, why don't you just
give me the contract?Copy !req
352. Ugh. Are you gonna make me
get out of bed?Copy !req
353. Aah!Copy !req
354. Mama? Wh—
What's with the nails?Copy !req
355. They're white...Copy !req
356. like salt, Steve.Copy !req
357. I came up with it
when I realized saltCopy !req
358. is the only white thing
in the world!Copy !req
359. Mom, that's not even
close to true.Copy !req
360. Let's you and me
make it true!Copy !req
361. Nowhere to run, son.Copy !req
362. Or walk.Copy !req
363. I think we can all do this
with just walking.Copy !req
364. Come on, Steve.
Let's go, Steve.Copy !req
365. Give it up, Steve.Copy !req
366. What am I doing?Copy !req
367. Why am I fighting
for our family memoriesCopy !req
368. if my family
won't fight with me?Copy !req
369. I'm with you, Steve!Copy !req
370. I'm totally alone
in this.Copy !req
371. You know what?
You guys win.Copy !req
372. If our memories are meaningless,
then so is this piece of paper.Copy !req
373. I renounce it.Copy !req
374. "Down the slide
and in the ground,Copy !req
375. your special treasure
you'll have found."Copy !req
376. I remember that slide.Copy !req
377. When I climbed
to the top of it,Copy !req
378. it felt like
I was climbing into the sky.Copy !req
379. You had a big scary slide
like this, too?Copy !req
380. Not your slide, Steve.
My slide.Copy !req
381. My dad wrote these clues for me
when I was a kid.Copy !req
382. He'd hide them all over
the yard, and I'd look for them.Copy !req
383. And when I was done, I'd wake
him up, if I could find him.Copy !req
384. Wait, you just recycled
your dad's game?Copy !req
385. I haven't thought about that
in years.Copy !req
386. What a great memory.
Not for me.Copy !req
387. It means all my treasure hunts
were just hand-me-downs.Copy !req
388. From my awesome father.Copy !req
389. What?
He abandoned you!Copy !req
390. That man's a sociopath!Copy !req
391. Quiet, Steve.
I'm getting an idea.Copy !req
392. Is it that family memoriesCopy !req
393. are precious
and should be protected?Copy !req
394. Uh, duh!Copy !req
395. But, also —
try to follow me —Copy !req
396. maybe we shouldn't let
the Gordon people mine our yard.Copy !req
397. I've been saying that
for a week!Copy !req
398. Hope on the bandwagon, Steve.
There's plenty of room.Copy !req
399. Now, I'm gonna call them
and —Copy !req
400. Wait!
We've changed our minds!Copy !req
401. This isn't
just a patch of dirt.Copy !req
402. It's a canvas
on which we've paintedCopy !req
403. some of the most wonderful
moments of our lives.Copy !req
404. That's beautiful,
Mr. Smith.Copy !req
405. I believe that I could never buy
the mineral rightsCopy !req
406. from you or your son.Copy !req
407. Great.Copy !req
408. So...Copy !req
409. about my fence?Copy !req
410. Which is why I bought them
from their actual owner.Copy !req
411. Actual owner?
Whoa!Copy !req
412. Who will it be,
"American Dad!" fans?Copy !req
413. Steve's teacher?
Ken Griffey Jr.?Copy !req
414. The Gordon exec
who hasn't spoken yet?Copy !req
415. Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi,Copy !req
416. who've all been
conspicuously absent?Copy !req
417. Is it me, the announcer?Copy !req
418. Oh, I look like Dracula,
by the way.Copy !req
419. Is it Principal Lewis?Copy !req
420. Is it Francine's sexy sister,
Gwen?Copy !req
421. Is it Diane from an upcoming
episode about slot cars?Copy !req
422. Suckboy Tony? James Garfield?
Robert Wuhl?Copy !req
423. Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson, Duper,
Hooper, Dick, or Bullock?Copy !req
424. Styles, Billy, Jack, Meredith,
Tom from the grocery store?Copy !req
425. That sweet little boy from
"The Cleveland Show," Rallo?Copy !req
426. It's me!Copy !req
427. You're probably realizing now,
Stan,Copy !req
428. that permission slip you signed
was a mineral-rights lease.Copy !req
429. But when it turned out
Steve was the real owner,Copy !req
430. I broke my arm and plastered
another lease around my cast.Copy !req
431. Sorry, kid, but you
were throwing away
one hell of a score.Copy !req
432. All right, people!
Let's dig!Copy !req
433. What? What?
There's no vein?Copy !req
434. We paid all that money
for just one scoop?Copy !req
435. Sir, there's been a reportCopy !req
436. of a gusher
in Madison, Wisconsin.Copy !req
437. Great.
That's where I'm from.Copy !req
438. We can stay with my mom.Copy !req
439. She's got
a bumper pool table.Copy !req
440. And that, my friends,
is what we call the long con.Copy !req
441. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
442. I planted that salt.Copy !req
443. I set up this whole thing.Copy !req
444. It was a sting, baby.Copy !req
445. Oh, I've wanted to screw
Gordon Salt for years.Copy !req
446. What on earth for?Copy !req
447. Well, you know how
my Rabbi Itzhak characterCopy !req
448. likes to keep kosher?Copy !req
449. A few years ago, the rebbe
conducted a surprise inspectionCopy !req
450. of a Gordon facility
in ArizonaCopy !req
451. to confirm that their so-called
kosher salt was, indeed, kosher.Copy !req
452. I'm not embarrassed to say
I wept and cried for mercyCopy !req
453. as I was soundly beaten by
the girl behind the front desk.Copy !req
454. But I vowed revenge.Copy !req
455. So I bought a 40-pound bag of
salt and buried it in the yard,Copy !req
456. bought the power washer
and slapped a Hemi on it,Copy !req
457. and I waited for 31/2 yearsCopy !req
458. for Stan
to finally clean the patio.Copy !req
459. The rest was a breeze.Copy !req
460. Why didn't you just
let us in on the con?Copy !req
461. I mean, you saw
how it was tearing us apart.Copy !req
462. I couldn't trust you to be cool
when the stakes were so high.Copy !req
463. How much
did you make?Copy !req
464. Let's see. After my salt
purchase, backhoe rental,Copy !req
465. power washer,
reconditioned V-8 engine,Copy !req
466. hospital bills,
notary for the mineral lease,Copy !req
467. plus the staff retreat in
Park City, I cleared 40 bucks.Copy !req
468. That's nothing.Copy !req
469. No. That's enough
for a bag of charcoal.Copy !req
470. I am going to remember this day
for a long time, honey.Copy !req
471. Me too.
It's perfect.Copy !req
472. Almost.
It could use a little more...Copy !req
473. salt.Copy !req
474. That's pretty good,
Roger.Copy !req
475. Why don't you toss me
those tongs?Copy !req
476. It's pepper.Copy !req
477. Nope, it's sewage.Copy !req
478. It's Steve's.Copy !req
479. Bye!
Have a great time!Copy !req