American Dad! 13x17

Directed by Shawn Murray

Keegan-Michael Key as E-Money (voice) • Jordan Peele as Street thug (voice) • Aries Spears as Shaquille O'Neal (voice) • Debra Wilson as Mom at basketball game (voice) • Lei Yin as Yao Ming (voice)

When Roger breaks his ankle, Francine convinces Stan to let him play in his basketball league. Meanwhile, Steve sings a song that parodies R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet".

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Roger, are those pumps?

2. Most def.

3. Headed down to the park to play some ball.

4. Four pumps?

5. Oh, your foot must be floating right now!

6. Five pumps?

7. Is your other foot still at no pumps?

8. You're gonna die!

9. Roger, can I come play with you?

10. I'm trying to get some practice in

11. for the big two-on-two tourney.

12. Ha! You're playing

13. in the Uptown Throw-Down to Dunk Away Malaria?

14. Um, 50 bucks on malaria.

15. Come on, I'm good!

16. I play at the rec center every Tuesday.

17. With those old guys?

18. Stan, you're what real ballers refer to as an "old head."

19. You could never run with a young blood like me.

20. I could keep up.

21. Aah!

22. Check you later, old head.

23. You don't have to be like that.

24. I know how that trick works.

25. It's not the same ball.

26. - Oh! - Oh! - Oh!

27. Nice feed, Applesauce!

28. I got you all day, Rip!

29. Crisscross applesauce!

30. Wha? How did he...

31. That's his signature move... Crisscross applesauce.

32. That's why he rules the playground, fool.

33. Crisscross applesauce!

34. Crisscross applesauce!

35. Crisscross apple...

36. Oh, my ankle!

37. Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus! Not Applesauce!

38. Noooooooooo!

39. Get up, Applesauce!

40. You gotta get up!

41. Aah!

42. I'm going down to the corner

43. to get drunk with the other losers.

44. Roger, I'm not so sure about your new crew.

45. Oh, I guess you think they're losers, huh?

46. Why are you going down there, anyway?

47. Because I got - a hairline fracture in my leg.

48. I'm washed up!

49. Now I'm never gonna win the two-on-two tournament.

50. That was my one true dream.

51. That doesn't mean your life is over, Roger.

52. You're walking around fine.

53. Yeah, but the doctor says I can't ball.

54. Body can't handle

55. the quick cuts, the spins, the crisscross.

56. And without the crisscross,

57. I'm just some guy yelling about applesauce.

58. Stan, I'm worried about Roger.

59. Really? I'm more worried about Frankenstein.

60. He's absolutely terrifying.

61. Come on, Stan.

62. Don't the guys at your basketball game play slow

63. so no one gets hurt?

64. Oh, no! No way I'm inviting Roger.

65. I asked to play with him last week,

66. and he called me an old head.

67. Well, now he's the one who's old.

68. I could school him.

69. Actually...

70. Maybe Roger should come play with me.

71. Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what old Roger needs right now.

72. Thank you, Stan.

73. But it worries me,

74. that bad-guy thing you're doing with your hands.

75. Oh, does it?

76. Man, no one could guard me in my day.

77. I made fools look foolish.

78. You were straight up legend, E-Money.

79. - Roger! - What's up? You need weed?

80. Get in the car.

81. Oh, he needs a little something else.

82. I'm gonna go blow this guy.

83. You on fire today, Applesauce!

84. Stan, is this a basketball gym?

85. I told you, my playing days are over.

86. Yeah, but I was thinking maybe this is more your speed.

87. I don't know, Stan.

88. You think I'll fit in?

89. Hey, everyone, I brought a new guy.

90. His name is... Billy Jesusworth.

91. Billy Jesusworth,

92. this is Jackson, Dick, Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal.

93. Shaq plays here?

94. Us old heads got to get some games whenever we can.

95. For me, it's all about the joy.

96. Buckle plays here?

97. Stan! Easy, Stan.

98. Face!

99. Aagh!

100. Bucket! And the foul!

101. Why are you doing this to me?

102. Because you called me old.

103. You're the one who's old. You're washed up.

104. What, so you just brought me here to make me look stupid?

105. Damn, Stan.

106. And you said that guy was your friend.

107. That's cold-blooded.

108. Shaq could use someone like you

109. for the two-on-two tournament.

110. Hey, you serious right now?

111. Absolutely.

112. You seem like the toughest dude out here.

113. You noticed!

114. Oh, my heart is soaring right now!

115. The far doors are locked. I'm gonna try the other ones.

116. Hey, how was basketball?

117. Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal asked me to be his partner

118. for the Uptown Throw-Down!

119. But the best part was I totally schooled Roger.

120. Stan, the whole reason I asked you to take Roger to your game

121. was to build his confidence.

122. As usual, your reason and mine were totally different.

123. I took him because he was being a dick to me

124. and I wanted to crush his will to live.

125. He's your friend. Look at him.

126. Stan, can you do me one last act of kindness and start the car?

127. Fine. I'll take him back to the game and I'll play nice.

128. But if I get the ball behind the arc and I'm open,

129. I'm gonna drill threes over him.

130. I'm a shooter, and a shooter gotta shoot.

131. Stan, I don't know basketball,

132. but I can tell by the way you're talking

133. that you're not good at it.

134. Listen, guys, after you demoralized Billy yesterday,

135. he tried to kill himself.

136. Hey, me, too! No way!

137. I was thinking maybe this time we could take it easy on him,

138. let him hit a couple shots.

139. Makes sense to me.

140. The Spurs won two NBA champions

141. because the commissioner was worried Tim Duncan looked sad.

142. Shoot!

143. Shoot!

144. - Come on, Billy! - Shoot!

145. Billy, I believe in you!

146. Swish!

147. Nice shot. You nailed it.

148. I did?

149. Yeah, baby. That's automatic for me.

150. Dunk!

151. Nice assist, Shaq.

152. You guys can't leave me and Shaq open like that.

153. We'll make you pay.

154. I'll take it from here.

155. Better grab a poncho, boys.

156. It's gonna be raining from this spot all day.

157. Hello?

158. Great news, everybody.

159. Heinrich asked me to be his two-on-two partner.

160. Oh!

161. Nice ballin' today, Hooper. Quit biting on my fake.

162. Dick, if you're gonna bank it, better call glass.

163. Stan!

164. Stan, I just want to thank you.

165. I thought I was finished playing ball,

166. but you took the time to lift me up

167. and show me I could still hoop.

168. I am in your debt.

169. Well, I'm just glad to see you back to your old self.

170. And you're a pretty good baller,

171. which is why I'm not going to take you lightly

172. when I face you in the tourney with my new partner,

173. Shaquille O'Neal!

174. But... but we're supposed to play together.

175. Sorry, Stan.

176. I don't believe man's fate is predetermined.

177. We're all endowed with free will.

178. And I'm using mine to change basketball partners.

179. You knew he was my partner!

180. Shaquille, let's talk strategy.

181. Now, if you're uncomfortable

182. with me walking with my arm around your waist,

183. I could also walk behind you

184. with my hands clasped in front of your abdomen.

185. I love the Panda.

186. Double orange chicken, all day, every day.

187. I know they called us the Dream Team in '96,

188. but to me, the real Dream Team

189. is this beef and this broccoli.

190. You deserve this more than I do.

191. Oh, hello, Roger. Didn't know I'd see you here.

192. Just came in because my new teammate for the tourney was hungry.

193. Oh, have you met Yao Ming?

194. Yao Ming?

195. But, uh, what?

196. That's right. I got legendary monster freak Yao Ming.

197. Hey, Shaq.

198. You're talking about me.

199. I know you're talking about me, Shaquille.

200. So...

201. Yao and I are gonna team up.

202. Hope we're cool.

203. No, we're not cool! Why would we be cool?

204. This is your fault, Stan!

205. Shaq was my chance to get back on top, and you ruined it!

206. I hate you!

207. You here to rub in the fact

208. that you cost me the most important thing in my life?

209. You stole my partner after I invited you into my game!

210. What kind of friend does that?

211. Oh, my God. You're right.

212. I just got crazy 'cause...

213. 'cause I wanted to compete at the highest level.

214. You still can... if we play together.

215. You and me?

216. Maybe if I was still Applesauce.

217. Roger, you don't need to be Applesauce to be good.

218. Applesauce was a young blood.

219. He only succeeded on athleticism and God-given talent.

220. True. True.

221. But you can learn to play like an old head.

222. Those guys that play with us, they all used to be young.

223. Buckle used to be able to dunk.

224. Really?

225. And Shaq used to play in the NBA.

226. No way!

227. But all those guys got old

228. and learned to change their style.

229. They learned to use their elbows,

230. they learned to grab their opponents' jerseys

231. as they ran by.

232. And you can learn, too.

233. What do you say?

234. And so the lesson begins

235. We did it.

236. It was hard-fought, and we were having so much fun,

237. we were halfway through the tournament

238. before I even realized we were playing it.

239. But we did it! We made it to the finals.

240. Steve, I don't know why you're telling me this now,

241. and I don't know why you're singing the whole story,

242. but your dad and Roger are about to play in the finals.

243. Okay, singing may have been a bad choice.

244. But that's a crazy story, right?

245. Wait...

246. Did Lewis murder his secretary?

247. The finals, Hayley!

248. Okay, every basket is one point.

249. First team to 11, wins.

250. Whoever catches this has to kiss me.

251. Can't pass where you can't see!

252. Man, these guys are good.

253. I got a plan.

254. The next time Shaq goes to the rim,

255. let him dunk.

256. Hey, Shaq, looks like the only thing you're dunking these days

257. is doughnuts!

258. Oh! Up top, ref!

259. Aah!

260. This thing crushed my legs.

261. Who says an old head can't learn a new trick?

262. And now that Yao doesn't have a teammate,

263. I guess we win by forfeit.

264. Wait. I will beat them by myself.

265. He speaks English.

266. This is it, Roger.

267. We need one basket. One basket to win it all.

268. And we've got trick left.

269. Stan, I can't blow this guy in front of all these people.

270. No!

271. Crisscross applesauce.

272. But, Stan, I'm too old for that move.

273. No, you're not.

274. You may be an old head,

275. but your heart pumps young blood.

276. Hell yeah, it does! Forget that doctor!

277. Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.

278. Crisscross applesau... Aah!

279. Yao, stop!

280. The doctor said your leg was gonna break

281. if you ever tried that move.

282. And Yao had been guarding you close all day.

283. It was simple math to know that your exposed bone

284. would pierce his calf and take him out.

285. Great call, Stan.

286. And we got the hardware, baby!

287. Mwah!

288. We should have been champions.

289. This is a Shaq-rage!

290. You did your best,

291. but you came up a little short.

292. There's always next year.

293. What? Who are you?

294. Oh, guys. I'm Klaus.