1. Ahh, Christmas...Copy !req
2. That time of year when
children are at their
absolute worst.Copy !req
3. You see, kids have figured out
that they'll getCopy !req
4. whatever they want
whether they're bad or good.Copy !req
5. So they all
became spoiled turds.Copy !req
6. Hey, I want that.Copy !req
7. It's too expensive.Copy !req
8. But it's Christmas.Copy !req
9. I get whatever I want!Copy !req
10. If you're a good boy.Copy !req
11. Steven Anita!Copy !req
12. No, I'm a bad boy.Copy !req
13. I get what I want.Copy !req
14. What's gotten into
this boy? He's insane.Copy !req
15. He's a mystery to me.Copy !req
16. "They"?Copy !req
17. Steve, you're the worst.Copy !req
18. Stop!Copy !req
19. I have heard enough
of this song and dance.Copy !req
20. You're just lucky I don't beat
you like my dad did to me.Copy !req
21. In fact, let's pay
a visit to my dadCopy !req
22. so you can see what happens to
naughty boys when
they grow up.Copy !req
23. Dad, tell him
how much jail sucks.Copy !req
24. Tell him about the beatings,
the rapes,Copy !req
25. the overly washed
Egyptian cotton bath towels.Copy !req
26. Tell him
so he'll stop being bad.Copy !req
27. Steve, just be happy
you're bad nowCopy !req
28. and not when I was boy.Copy !req
29. Back then, Krampus
would have come for you.Copy !req
30. Krampus?Copy !req
31. Yes, Krampus.Copy !req
32. The demon of Christmas.Copy !req
33. When I was a boy
in Southern Bavaria,Copy !req
34. in lower Berchtesgaden,Copy !req
35. Santa would ride with Krampus.Copy !req
36. Santa would give gifts
to the good kidsCopy !req
37. and Krampus would punish
the naughty ones.Copy !req
38. Scare you
with his rusty chains.Copy !req
39. Slap your bottom
with his birch branches.Copy !req
40. And if you were really bad,Copy !req
41. he'd throw you
in his almost child-sized sackCopy !req
42. and shake you good!Copy !req
43. Oh, that's Krampus for you.Copy !req
44. Yeah, sounds like a
load of bull jizzle.Copy !req
45. I've never heard of Krampus.Copy !req
46. That's because your gramps
trapped the demon, he did.Copy !req
47. On Christmas Eve,Copy !req
48. I snuck out of bed to get
more of Mother's strudelCopy !req
49. even though she told me
I couldn't have any more.Copy !req
50. I didn't care.Copy !req
51. I wanted more.Copy !req
52. When I got there,Copy !req
53. I saw that Krampus
had beat me to it.Copy !req
54. He was neck-deep
in Mutter's strudel.Copy !req
55. So I trapped him
in that copper pot.Copy !req
56. Copper-potted him good.Copy !req
57. And that's why you
and all the other baddiesCopy !req
58. never get a visit
from Krampus on Christmas Eve.Copy !req
59. That's nonsense.Copy !req
60. See for yourself.Copy !req
61. That copper pot is with my
stuff in your basement.Copy !req
62. Okay, okay, I'm bored.Copy !req
63. Let's go.Copy !req
64. Krampus is real.Copy !req
65. Real I say!Copy !req
66. The copper pot's
in your basement.Copy !req
67. It's right thereCopy !req
68. with my old Rossignol skis!Copy !req
69. They're super-long
and super-fast!Copy !req
70. Check your basement, Stan!Copy !req
71. So, Hayley, have you decidedCopy !req
72. what to get the family
for Christmas?Copy !req
73. No, not yet.Copy !req
74. Wha-Wha-Wha...
just stop, stop.Copy !req
75. J-J-Just tell me
what you want.Copy !req
76. Wh-What's going on?Copy !req
77. I need a job so I can get
the family a Christmas gift.Copy !req
78. The bar gets busy
during the holidays.Copy !req
79. Maybe you could use
an extra hand.Copy !req
80. You're too late, sister.Copy !req
81. I already hired college kids
from the water polo team.Copy !req
82. I've got almost too
many hands for jobs.Copy !req
83. Here's the classifieds.Copy !req
84. Ooh, the airport's hiring.Copy !req
85. What's with
this Speedo, Jeremy?Copy !req
86. It's too baggy.Copy !req
87. Is it a tandem Speedo
for two men?Copy !req
88. Eh, even this is too loose.Copy !req
89. Mark, hop in here!Copy !req
90. Did they get this on sale?Copy !req
91. Was this the floor model?Copy !req
92. Well, if it wasn't, it is now!Copy !req
93. Smash!Copy !req
94. Steven!Copy !req
95. By the power
of Grayskull,Copy !req
96. what do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
97. I am hiding these
until Christmas.Copy !req
98. Boy driving me insane.Copy !req
99. Got me talking
like Bernie Mac.Copy !req
100. Krampus?Copy !req
101. Jack?Copy !req
102. No, Jack's my dad.Copy !req
103. Let... me... out.Copy !req
104. I can't. You're a demon.Copy !req
105. I-It would be...Copy !req
106. unwise.Copy !req
107. Release... me.Copy !req
108. Hey, bitch!Copy !req
109. Where's my Mickey
Mouse towel?Copy !req
110. I'm sorry!Copy !req
111. I'll try harder!Copy !req
112. Okay. If I let you out,Copy !req
113. will you promise to scare my
son and make him a good boy?Copy !req
114. Yeah!Copy !req
115. That's, like, exactly
what I do, man.Copy !req
116. Ow!Copy !req
117. No!Copy !req
118. Bring me JackCopy !req
119. if you ever want
to see your son again!Copy !req
120. Wait!Copy !req
121. You did what?Copy !req
122. I released Krampus.Copy !req
123. I just wanted him to
scare Steve straight.Copy !req
124. Sexual orientation
is not a choice!Copy !req
125. What?Copy !req
126. Look, Krampus took Steve,Copy !req
127. and he says he'll only
give him backCopy !req
128. if you take his place.Copy !req
129. What do you say, Dad?Copy !req
130. If I use my CIA connections
to get you out of here,Copy !req
131. will you switch with Steve?Copy !req
132. I'm in.Copy !req
133. Krampus probably took him
to his castle in Bavaria.Copy !req
134. I know where it is.Copy !req
135. Give me the keys.
I'll drive.Copy !req
136. See you, sucker!Copy !req
137. Yep.Copy !req
138. Yeah.Copy !req
139. Uh-huh.Copy !req
140. Yep.Copy !req
141. Get off me!Copy !req
142. Let me go!Copy !req
143. What are you doing?Copy !req
144. Krampus is back.Copy !req
145. He's been gone for, like,Copy !req
146. 50 years or something,
you guys.Copy !req
147. You can't do this!Copy !req
148. I'm an American child!Copy !req
149. I'm a treasure!Copy !req
150. Well, you in Bavaria now.Copy !req
151. You need to be punished.Copy !req
152. If you lay so much as one
finger on me, I will per...Copy !req
153. Who you talking to?Copy !req
154. I'm Krampus, bitch!Copy !req
155. I do whatever I please.Copy !req
156. This is my expertise.Copy !req
157. I swear to God,
do not touch me!Copy !req
158. You see, Steve, you don't
know anything about pain.Copy !req
159. Yes, I do!Copy !req
160. Pain is having a girl
named SheilaCopy !req
161. walk out on you in the middle
of downtown BaltimoreCopy !req
162. for some guy named Dennis,Copy !req
163. who worked as a mechanic and
made twice as much
money as you.Copy !req
164. Wha...?
These are thingsCopy !req
165. you know nothing about, boy,Copy !req
166. but I'm here to show you.Copy !req
167. You'll stay here
until I see Jack.Copy !req
168. Looks like you got
some stuff going on.Copy !req
169. Want to tell me
what you did?Copy !req
170. Want to tell me
who you did?Copy !req
171. Was it a boy?Copy !req
172. Krampus kidnapped Steve.Copy !req
173. And the only one who knows
where to find him is Jack.Copy !req
174. And Jack took off.Copy !req
175. Krampus?Copy !req
176. Santa's evil sidekick?Copy !req
177. Santa must know
where he is.Copy !req
178. Santa won't help me.
Santa hates me.Copy !req
179. I'm coming for you, Smiths!Copy !req
180. Hyah!Copy !req
181. Look, even if I wanted
to ask for Santa's help,Copy !req
182. how am I supposed to get
to the North Pole?Copy !req
183. Oh, boys!Copy !req
184. Hyah!Copy !req
185. Damn...Copy !req
186. Santa's village is
behind this wall.Copy !req
187. Give me a boost.Copy !req
188. Take my hand!Copy !req
189. Stan!Copy !req
190. Harder.Copy !req
191. Way harder.Copy !req
192. How dare you come
to my house.Copy !req
193. Krampus.Copy !req
194. What about him?Copy !req
195. He's been gone
over 50 years.Copy !req
196. No, Krampus is alive.Copy !req
197. And he has my son.Copy !req
198. Who cares about your son?Copy !req
199. I can't go back
to sharing ChristmasCopy !req
200. with that
soul-singing goat.Copy !req
201. Always nibbling
on my list.Copy !req
202. Please,
I need your help.Copy !req
203. I need to find Steve.Copy !req
204. Okay.Copy !req
205. I'll help you
get your boyCopy !req
206. if you help me
kill Krampus.Copy !req
207. Deal.Copy !req
208. Come on, Roger.Copy !req
209. Just a little longer.Copy !req
210. I'm almost there.Copy !req
211. Aw. Tissue
for your tears?Copy !req
212. You don't have
to be scared.Copy !req
213. Here, refresh yourself
with a cool drink of water.Copy !req
214. See, everyone here is nice.Copy !req
215. You guys seem okay.Copy !req
216. But that Krampus
is a real jerk.Copy !req
217. Oh, that's not true!
That's not the way.Copy !req
218. Krampus cares about you
more than anyone.Copy !req
219. He cares enough to punish you
when you're bad.Copy !req
220. That's cause he's a monster
who enjoys terrorizing kids.Copy !req
221. No, no, no, no, no,
you got it all wrong.Copy !req
222. Come on.
We'll show you.Copy !req
223. When you punished me,
it hurt youCopy !req
224. more than it hurt me,
didn't it?Copy !req
225. But I endure it
because I care.Copy !req
226. So, why do you want my
grand-poppy-pop so bad?Copy !req
227. He seems like a
total lost cause.Copy !req
228. Which is exactly why I need
to apologize to him.Copy !req
229. Apologize?Copy !req
230. It's my fault
he turned out bad.Copy !req
231. I should have been
beating his assCopy !req
232. instead of munching down on
your great-grandma's strudel.Copy !req
233. I failed him.Copy !req
234. Shh.Copy !req
235. No, no, no, no, no, don't.Copy !req
236. Shush now, frowny horns.Copy !req
237. Look, everyone
makes mistakes.Copy !req
238. The important thing
is you're back.Copy !req
239. And you're exactly what
the world needs right now.Copy !req
240. Ho ho ho!Copy !req
241. Off we go to
kill Krampus!Copy !req
242. Wow, full moon tonight.Copy !req
243. Actually,
once you get above the clouds,Copy !req
244. it's always a full moon.
Is that true?Copy !req
245. Is any of this?Copy !req
246. Once we kill Krampus,Copy !req
247. you'll be on my permanent
good list, Stan.Copy !req
248. You and Jesus.Copy !req
249. But he's Jewish.Copy !req
250. He is?Copy !req
251. Oh, what a surprise.Copy !req
252. My flight
to Jamaica's delayed.Copy !req
253. And you people wonder why
the world is all taking boats.Copy !req
254. You can discuss any
of your concernsCopy !req
255. with our customer
service rep, sir.Copy !req
256. Oh, you are a special kind
of bitch, Mary Anne.Copy !req
257. Where the irie plane, mon?
You trying to tell meCopy !req
258. this flight is late, skank?
Rude boy!Copy !req
259. Hayley? You work here?Copy !req
260. I need the money to buy the
perfect gift for my family.Copy !req
261. But why?Copy !req
262. Because...Copy !req
263. But I don't get it.Copy !req
264. Why do anything
for your family?Copy !req
265. Wait. I think I'm
starting to get it.Copy !req
266. Change this flight
to Bavaria.Copy !req
267. I'm going to go
save my grandson.Copy !req
268. Krampus, I can't believe
I was acting like such a jerk.Copy !req
269. A real Stephen Hawking.Copy !req
270. Thank you.Copy !req
271. No. Thank you.Copy !req
272. For reminding me
how good it feelsCopy !req
273. to turn naughty kids
into nice ones.Copy !req
274. I hope you don't mind
blueberry crepes
for breakfast.Copy !req
275. With homemade chocolate.Copy !req
276. Trashy!Copy !req
277. No! Stop!Copy !req
278. What are you doing?Copy !req
279. He was good!Copy !req
280. He was good.Copy !req
281. Steven.Copy !req
282. Looks like I'm big man
on Krampus.Copy !req
283. Oh, gross!Copy !req
284. It got in your mouth!Copy !req
285. What are you doing?
We had a deal.Copy !req
286. Yeah, well, I'm Santa,Copy !req
287. and maybe now even
a dumb-ass like youCopy !req
288. can figure out that
I'm the bad guy.Copy !req
289. That's what I was trying
to tell you.Copy !req
290. Krampus was good.Copy !req
291. He cared about kids.Copy !req
292. Santa just spoils them.Copy !req
293. And I make a hell of a lot
of money doing it.Copy !req
294. Most of my portfolio
is in toy stocks.Copy !req
295. That's why you give
toys to everyone,Copy !req
296. whether they're
naughty or nice.Copy !req
297. The naughty kids
buy the most toys.Copy !req
298. Wait. What?Copy !req
299. Kids don't buy toys.Copy !req
300. You give toys away.Copy !req
301. How does that
make money?Copy !req
302. Do not overthink this.Copy !req
303. Just know that I am in bed
with Big ToysCopy !req
304. so I'm making money.Copy !req
305. See you in hell, Stan.Copy !req
306. (distorted, slow-
Rossignol!Copy !req
307. Oh, God.Copy !req
308. I'm dying.Copy !req
309. Every man for himself!Copy !req
310. You came to help me.Copy !req
311. I finally realized
the importance of family.Copy !req
312. And I wanted to tell you
I'm proud of you, son.Copy !req
313. You're a good guy.Copy !req
314. Because of you.Copy !req
315. Because you were
so hard on me.Copy !req
316. Maybe.Copy !req
317. Maybe for people
to turn out good,Copy !req
318. they need a beating
every now and then.Copy !req
319. That's why the world
needs Krampus.Copy !req
320. Yes.Copy !req
321. And that's why the world
sucks so hard now.Copy !req
322. Because I took Krampus away.Copy !req
323. My... bad.Copy !req
324. You're...
Krampus.Copy !req
325. So I am.Copy !req
326. I suppose this is how I'm
to repay my debt to the worldCopy !req
327. for taking Krampus away
all these years.Copy !req
328. So, will you remain
Krampus forever?Copy !req
329. Like, all the time?Copy !req
330. Who knows?Copy !req
331. In the meantime,
it's Christmas Eve,Copy !req
332. and I've got a lot
of bottoms to blister.Copy !req
333. You better be good,
boys and girls,Copy !req
334. or I'll beat you until blood's
coming from your earsCopy !req
335. and your eyes and your mouth.Copy !req
336. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
337. And from your ass.Copy !req
338. Bye! Have a beautiful time.Copy !req