1. Aah!Copy !req
2. It's Thanksgiving,
Klaus.Copy !req
3. You know what
that means.Copy !req
4. A whole day of watching football
in my underwear,Copy !req
5. ending with my Redskins
destroying the Cowboys.Copy !req
6. Well done, sir.Copy !req
7. Won him at a school auction.Copy !req
8. What are you waiting for, Stan?Copy !req
9. We've only got four hours
of pre-game left.Copy !req
10. (gasps)
I'll go make the nachos.Copy !req
11. Hurry! They're waking up
Jimmy Johnson!Copy !req
12. Jimmy...Copy !req
13. Jimmy...Copy !req
14. Stan, put your pants on.Copy !req
15. No can do, Francine.Copy !req
16. This is the first
Thanksgiving in yearsCopy !req
17. where we won't be
entertaining any guests.Copy !req
18. I won't have to
put on any airs,Copy !req
19. and I certainly won't
be putting on my pants.Copy !req
20. But we are
entertaining.Copy !req
21. My parents will
be here any minute.Copy !req
22. Your parents are coming?
(groans)Copy !req
23. We talked about this.Copy !req
24. Stan, I'm gonna invite
my parents for Thanksgiving.Copy !req
25. But then I thought about it
and the next day I told you...Copy !req
26. You know what, Francine?
Your parents at Thanksgiving,Copy !req
27. that's not gonna work for me.Copy !req
28. Oh, and, Steve, you'll have to
find someone else to pick you upCopy !req
29. after your eye
surgery today.Copy !req
30. (door slides open)
It's about time, Dad.Copy !req
31. Hey, can we stop for pizza?
(door slides shut)Copy !req
32. Stan, it is a family holiday,
after all.Copy !req
33. That's right. Our family.
Not your parents.Copy !req
34. It's bad enough you and
the kids have to be here.Copy !req
35. Well, I'm sorry, Stan.Copy !req
36. But growing up
in a Chinese household,Copy !req
37. we never had Thanksgiving.Copy !req
38. I wanted to introduce 'em to it.Copy !req
39. Francine, I'm not running
a master class in Thanksgiving.Copy !req
40. Well, I invited 'em and
they're coming and that's that.Copy !req
41. Okay, but they eat alone in
the garage, out of trash bags,Copy !req
42. and use the neighbor's bathroom.Copy !req
43. Can we at least agree to that?Copy !req
44. No!
How about they have
full yard privileges,Copy !req
45. two unrefrigerated sodas apiece,Copy !req
46. and at the end of the night
I'll say a chilly good-byeCopy !req
47. to the parent of your choosing?Copy !req
48. Do we have a deal?Copy !req
49. I'll ask you
again in the car.Copy !req
50. You stay here.Copy !req
51. If you're just tuning in now,
things are really heating up!Copy !req
52. Both teams have almost
completely checked outCopy !req
53. of their hotels.
ANNOUNCER #2:
That's right.Copy !req
54. And with three hours
until the coin tossCopy !req
55. it is still anybody's game!Copy !req
56. Hmm.
What's wrong, man?Copy !req
57. Francine's parents
are coming.Copy !req
58. They're totally gonna ruin
the Thanksgiving I had planned.Copy !req
59. They're here.Copy !req
60. Aw, this is gonna suck.Copy !req
61. I got it!Copy !req
62. Ah, your Chinese gibberish
very mediocre.Copy !req
63. Either really learn language
or go broader.Copy !req
64. Just so you know, there's gonna
be football on today.Copy !req
65. I don't expect you
to understand.Copy !req
66. It's an American thing.Copy !req
67. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!Copy !req
68. Come on, buddy, you got to join
me or I look like a total jerk.Copy !req
69. U-S-A! U-S-A!Copy !req
70. Man, I-I want to,Copy !req
71. but I don't know the words.Copy !req
72. Hello, Granddaughter.Copy !req
73. We share room tonight.Copy !req
74. Aw, you look sad.
What's wrong?Copy !req
75. Greasy face got you down?Copy !req
76. No, I-I'm sad because this
is the first ThanksgivingCopy !req
77. I've spent without Jeff.Copy !req
78. Let me tell you what my mom
tell me when I was your age:Copy !req
79. "Man you love die in space
so you marry Bah Bah now."Copy !req
80. We need find you new man.Copy !req
81. Thanks, Mah Mah,
but I'm just not over Jeff.Copy !req
82. That's because you still
surrounded by him.Copy !req
83. Reminders everywhere.Copy !req
84. You need to get rid
of his stuff.Copy !req
85. Hey, that was mine!Copy !req
86. Sorry. Here.Copy !req
87. Use my pipe till I replace.Copy !req
88. It work real good,
make you cough a lot.Copy !req
89. Francine, what the hell's
goin' on in here?Copy !req
90. It should smell like turkey
and stuffing,Copy !req
91. not a medley of
longevity-inducing vegetables.Copy !req
92. Stan, this is my
mom's famous stir-fry.Copy !req
93. I thought we could have it
instead of sweet potatoes.Copy !req
94. But that's not Thanksgiving!Copy !req
95. I don't want
to see this tiny corn!Copy !req
96. I don't want to see
your tiny corn!Copy !req
97. Put on some pants!Copy !req
98. I'm not changing the way I dress
on this most American of days.Copy !req
99. This is traditional
American Thanksgiving garb.Copy !req
100. You know how you guys always
wear karate outfits?Copy !req
101. Well, this is Uncle Sam's
version of that.Copy !req
102. Stan, just go watch
some football.Copy !req
103. I'll call you
when dinner's ready.Copy !req
104. Stan, quick! They're
bringing out the turducken!Copy !req
105. ANNOUNCER #2:
This year FOX has
genetically engineeredCopy !req
106. an actual living turducken.Copy !req
107. (screeching)
Those are its screams.Copy !req
108. Its every step is agony.Copy !req
109. What the hell?Copy !req
110. I try to make picture better.Copy !req
111. No, please, God, no.Copy !req
112. Aiya, picture
better before.Copy !req
113. Stan,
what's wrong?Copy !req
114. Your dad broke the TV!Copy !req
115. My holiday is ruined!Copy !req
116. Steve! Your Thanksgiving
marionettes!Copy !req
117. This is the perfect time
for them!Copy !req
118. I just got to untangle them
and I'll be right down!Copy !req
119. Disaster averted.Copy !req
120. Francine, how long
have we been marriedCopy !req
121. without me raising
a hand to you?Copy !req
122. Look, if you want
your television fixed,Copy !req
123. call the Nerd Squad.Copy !req
124. Yes! A squad of nerds!Copy !req
125. They'll know what to do!
What's the number?Copy !req
126. I'll call them,
but in the meantime,Copy !req
127. can you at least make an effort
to get along with my family?Copy !req
128. (sighs)
I'll try.Copy !req
129. As long as her parents
are in this house,Copy !req
130. I can't enjoy the Thanksgiving
I deserve.Copy !req
131. We have to get rid of them.Copy !req
132. Oh, my God.Copy !req
133. Are you suggesting an
organized and systematic...Copy !req
134. No.Copy !req
135. All right, Klaus,
we're the PilgrimsCopy !req
136. and Francine's parents
are the Indians.Copy !req
137. If we want to save
this Thanksgiving,Copy !req
138. we've got to get them
out of this house.Copy !req
139. Okay, first, you're calling
yourself a Pilgrim,Copy !req
140. but you're dressed
like an Indian.Copy !req
141. It's very confusing.Copy !req
142. Second, didn't the Pilgrims
invite the Indians to dinner?Copy !req
143. Klaus, you're missing the point.Copy !req
144. It might not have even happened.Copy !req
145. It's just a story that teaches
us to treat each other nicely.Copy !req
146. Now, we got to get these
stupid idiots out of our house!Copy !req
147. I see. And how do you plan
to do that?Copy !req
148. Why, exploit their fears,
of course.Copy !req
149. And throughout time,
what has consistently beenCopy !req
150. the Chinese people's
greatest enemy?Copy !req
151. Roar!Copy !req
152. Godzilla Japanese.Copy !req
153. I'm the ghost
of Genghis Khan!Copy !req
154. I just got through
your Great Wall,Copy !req
155. and I'm going to
plunder your culture!Copy !req
156. Actually, not all Chinese people
think of Genghis Khan as scary.Copy !req
157. Many Chinese view him
as great military leaderCopy !req
158. who laid down groundwork
for the third new dynasty.Copy !req
159. Francine, I
bought a horse.Copy !req
160. Ferocious panda
on the loose!Copy !req
161. Run! Run
for your lives!Copy !req
162. It's got a gun!Copy !req
163. Huh. I don't know why you guys
are terrified of these things.Copy !req
164. We're not.
We love them.Copy !req
165. I knew it was
one of the two.Copy !req
166. Francine,
I bought a panda.Copy !req
167. Stupid Bah Bah.Copy !req
168. Ruining my Thanksgiving Day
football.Copy !req
169. Now?Copy !req
170. Do you see
anything now?Copy !req
171. No, keep trying.Copy !req
172. Stan, I'm completely immersed
in water.Copy !req
173. Maybe I am not the one
to be futzing with the TV.Copy !req
174. Oh, don't be
such a baby.Copy !req
175. Ooh, ooh!
You almost had it!Copy !req
176. Wh-Whatever you did,
do it again!Copy !req
177. Nerd Squad.
I'm Trevor.Copy !req
178. Your wife called,
your TV's out.Copy !req
179. Oh, Roger, awesome!Copy !req
180. I said it's Trevor.Copy !req
181. Wait, do you really know
what you're doingCopy !req
182. or is this just a disguise?Copy !req
183. Sir, I have a family, too,Copy !req
184. that I would like to
spend Thanksgiving with,Copy !req
185. so if you can just
show me your TV.Copy !req
186. It's right here.Copy !req
187. Oh, wow, it usually takes me
a half hour to find those.Copy !req
188. Perfect, Stan!Copy !req
189. If Roger fixes the TV,Copy !req
190. then maybe Francine's parents
can stay after all.Copy !req
191. Francine, where do you
recycle your chicken heads?Copy !req
192. No. No, if I don't put
a stop to this now,Copy !req
193. they're just gonna
come back every year.Copy !req
194. Oh, I just realized
this thing is tubeless.Copy !req
195. That might
be a problem.Copy !req
196. Jeremy, it's Trev.Copy !req
197. We're gonna have
to open up a new ticket.Copy !req
198. Stan, why you pay
good money?Copy !req
199. I could fix.Copy !req
200. You don't need to call
Nerd Brigade.Copy !req
201. Sir, I'm sorry, I'm gonna
have to step in here.Copy !req
202. I am from the
Nerd Squad, okay?Copy !req
203. The Nerd Brigade wishes
they were the Nerd Squad.Copy !req
204. Trust me, all right?
Trust me on that.Copy !req
205. Ask anyone who does audiovisual
in the Langley Falls areaCopy !req
206. and they will tell you
that they prefer the Nerd SquadCopy !req
207. all... day... long.Copy !req
208. Okay? Y-You want me to wait?Copy !req
209. You want me to wait here for you
while you ask anyone in town?Copy !req
210. 'Cause I'll be here.Copy !req
211. I'll be right here
fixing your TV right.Copy !req
212. The first time. On Thanksgiving.Copy !req
213. You know
what I'm thankful for? Huh?Copy !req
214. I am thankful that I work
for the best damnCopy !req
215. home theater installation
company in town.Copy !req
216. The Nerd Squad!Copy !req
217. Oh, that's right.
I work for the other one.Copy !req
218. Jeremy, we're gonna have
to give a customer a free cable.Copy !req
219. Um, put it under Code 60,
Customer Satisfaction.Copy !req
220. I'll just give him
a three-foot HDMI.Copy !req
221. It'll only go from the receiver
to the TV.Copy !req
222. He can't use it
for anything else.Copy !req
223. This was his greatest invention,Copy !req
224. a snowboard with wheels on it.Copy !req
225. For sidewalks.Copy !req
226. Hi-ya.Copy !req
227. Okay, you got rid
of Jeff's stuff.Copy !req
228. First step done.Copy !req
229. Next step,
get you new man.Copy !req
230. I appreciate that, Mah Mah,
but it's just not that easy.Copy !req
231. Oh, it not easy?Copy !req
232. 'Cause it already done.Copy !req
233. Big Wang Bai!Copy !req
234. Uh, what?Copy !req
235. Big Wang Bai!Copy !req
236. He your new boyfriend.Copy !req
237. His grandma and I frenemies.Copy !req
238. He big success.
Wear clothes by Ralph Lauren.Copy !req
239. Okay...Copy !req
240. You need more? Fine!Copy !req
241. I show you.Copy !req
242. See? Look.Copy !req
243. Big Wang ride Segway
in downtown Long Beach.Copy !req
244. Big Wang never let
his Groupons expire.Copy !req
245. He pose on Ferrari!Copy !req
246. Hey, Ferraris.
Those cost money.Copy !req
247. Shh! You missing Big WangCopy !req
248. wearing white button-down
and jeansCopy !req
249. and taking picture
with friends.Copy !req
250. Then, he goes to party
and wear all white,Copy !req
251. even string
in puka shell necklace white!Copy !req
252. He bad boy for life.Copy !req
253. Oh, he order extra large
Blizzard at Dairy QueenCopy !req
254. and finish!Copy !req
255. Mmm. Where are you
puttin' it, Big Wang?Copy !req
256. Wait. What am I thinking?Copy !req
257. Big Wang Bai too good
for Hayley.Copy !req
258. But not too good for Mah Mah.Copy !req
259. I guess it wouldn't
hurt to contact him.Copy !req
260. No, no, no.
No, he no right for you.Copy !req
261. But I thought...
He taken!Copy !req
262. But it says here
he's single.Copy !req
263. What was that for?Copy !req
264. Haven't you ever seen
The Gong Show?Copy !req
265. You lose! Get out!Copy !req
266. But it's my room.Copy !req
267. Yeah, you're all set.Copy !req
268. You got all your
channels now,Copy !req
269. although, unfortunately,
because of a licensing dispute,Copy !req
270. you currently don't get
A&E, TBS, FX, AMC or ESPN.Copy !req
271. But you do get our
satellite radio package,Copy !req
272. featuring Reggae Sunsets
on channel 1,200.Copy !req
273. Great! I can't
thank you enough.Copy !req
274. Oh, well, if you feel that way,Copy !req
275. and you get a call
from my companyCopy !req
276. about completing a survey
about the service,Copy !req
277. it'd be a big help to me
if you mentioned my name.Copy !req
278. Oh, yeah, definitely.Copy !req
279. Thank you so much.Copy !req
280. What's my name?Copy !req
281. Rrr... uh, Rizz...Copy !req
282. Rizzoli?Copy !req
283. Rizzoli and Isles?Copy !req
284. I associate Rizzoli and Isles
with cable.Copy !req
285. Are you one of them?Copy !req
286. Just for that, I'm giving
you Starz and Encore.Copy !req
287. Have fun
flippin' past 'em.Copy !req
288. Look at that, Stan.
The TV's fixed.Copy !req
289. This Thanksgiving
might be salvaged yet.Copy !req
290. I told you. It's no longer
about the TV.Copy !req
291. We've got to flush these
Chinese Indians off our land.Copy !req
292. Stan, honey, dinner.Copy !req
293. Oh. Oh, gang, bad news.Copy !req
294. Bad news, especially
for anyone old and Chinese.Copy !req
295. I just got back
from the doctor,Copy !req
296. and the results show
I'm positive for bird flu.Copy !req
297. This just receipt
from Arby's.Copy !req
298. How you eat ten
beef and cheddars?Copy !req
299. They were
sliders!Copy !req
300. Hey, that's
my chair!Copy !req
301. I am guest,
which makes it my chair.Copy !req
302. Stan, just sit
somewhere else.Copy !req
303. But that's
my chair!Copy !req
304. Don't be such a baby!Copy !req
305. And take the trash out
before we eat.Copy !req
306. It's stinking up the house.Copy !req
307. 'Sup? I'm Big Wang Bai.Copy !req
308. This the... Smith house?Copy !req
309. They're all inside.Copy !req
310. Big Wang Bai?Copy !req
311. What are you
doing here?Copy !req
312. Who invite you?Copy !req
313. I did, Mah Mah.Copy !req
314. You whore!Copy !req
315. Big Wang, have you met
my grandmother Mah Mah?Copy !req
316. No, I haven't.Copy !req
317. Hello. I'm Big Wang Bai.Copy !req
318. My mother's told me
all about you.Copy !req
319. I-I'm sorry.Copy !req
320. I no want
to meet this way.Copy !req
321. I must put on face cream
and holiday wig.Copy !req
322. You want me
to take out the trash?Copy !req
323. I'll take out the Mah Mah
and Bah Bah.Copy !req
324. 'Cause they're trash.Copy !req
325. They're the ones
stinking up the house.Copy !req
326. 'Cause they're stinkers.Copy !req
327. They're a couple of stinkers.Copy !req
328. Aah! Why don't I ever think
of these things in the moment?Copy !req
329. Hey!Copy !req
330. They threw out
my Redskins headdress!Copy !req
331. Look at them.Copy !req
332. They've taken over my home.Copy !req
333. Oh, my God.Copy !req
334. I'm not the Pilgrim.Copy !req
335. I'm the Indian,
and I've lost my home.Copy !req
336. I belong nowhere.Copy !req
337. I guess I walk the land now.Copy !req
338. Here, Dixie Cup!Copy !req
339. Easy, girl. Easy.Copy !req
340. I've been displaced.Copy !req
341. I must wander, seeking a land
where I might belong.Copy !req
342. At least I have the radio
to keep me company.Copy !req
343. Coming up next, 20 minutes
of reflective silence.Copy !req
344. Perfect.Copy !req
345. You ever eat
here before?Copy !req
346. Every year.Copy !req
347. Must be good.Copy !req
348. Excuse me,
you can't eat here.Copy !req
349. You're not homeless.Copy !req
350. How'd you know?Copy !req
351. You're wearing
a wedding ring,Copy !req
352. which means
you haven't sold it for drugs.Copy !req
353. Your eyebrows
are well-groomed,Copy !req
354. suggesting a recent visit
to the salon.Copy !req
355. And while I smell beer
on your breath,Copy !req
356. it has a whiff of the...
Dutch lowlands,Copy !req
357. which means
it's imported.Copy !req
358. And only homeowners
drink imported beer.Copy !req
359. Shirley, you got to
come back to the force.Copy !req
360. You were the best detective
this city ever had.Copy !req
361. Sorry, I feel like
I make a bigger differenceCopy !req
362. recognizing
who's not homeless.Copy !req
363. The stadium.
Packed with Redskins fans.Copy !req
364. I may have just found my people.Copy !req
365. Ticket, please.Copy !req
366. Oh, I don't have one,
but trust me,Copy !req
367. I need to be in there.Copy !req
368. It's where I belong.Copy !req
369. So, you don't
have a ticket?Copy !req
370. No, but I'm a Redskins fan.Copy !req
371. I've been here
since the beginning.Copy !req
372. Oh. Okay, well, here's
how the system works.Copy !req
373. You need a ticket.Copy !req
374. Oh, I-I have one right here!Copy !req
375. Sir, that's a
receipt from Arby's,Copy !req
376. and I'm not gonna touch it,
because, from what I can tell,Copy !req
377. its been in
your underpants.Copy !req
378. (with Southern accent):
Hey, man, Redskins suck!Copy !req
379. I just want to pass!Copy !req
380. I seek no fight,
nor do I offer it!Copy !req
381. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy now, partner.Copy !req
382. You didn't let me finish.Copy !req
383. I was gonna say
that Redskins suck,Copy !req
384. but Redskins fans are just fine
in my book,Copy !req
385. and welcome
to partake of our bounty.Copy !req
386. (with Southern accent):
I'm always tellin' himCopy !req
387. to structure
his sentences better.Copy !req
388. I'm Laura.
This is Marvin.Copy !req
389. You up for
a tailgate, hon?Copy !req
390. Thanks, but winter is upon me,
and I'm close to death.Copy !req
391. I need to get somewhere warm.Copy !req
392. Well, hell, there's plenty
of warmth right here.Copy !req
393. Tonight's foam
finger night,Copy !req
394. and these East Coast
folks love to litter.Copy !req
395. Let me show you
a little cowboy trick.Copy !req
396. I feel like I'm nestled
in the womb of a Nerf lady.Copy !req
397. Oh, yeah,
pretty warm, right?Copy !req
398. Now how about a nice,
cold beer?Copy !req
399. Now, hold on there, chief.Copy !req
400. Those ain't free.Copy !req
401. I'm sorry. I don't
have any money.Copy !req
402. Well, that's good,
'cause we only accept these.Copy !req
403. Up high!Copy !req
404. Now you're talkin',
Geronimo!Copy !req
405. Let's sit down and talk trash
about each other's teams.Copy !req
406. Marvin, 911!
We just ran out of propane!Copy !req
407. Shoot, we'll never get the grill
up to 400 degrees now!Copy !req
408. Ain't no tailgate without
properly seared turkey burgers.Copy !req
409. Okay, everyone, pack it up.Copy !req
410. We're drivin' back to Texas.Copy !req
411. Wait! Did you
say 400 degrees?Copy !req
412. Marvin, Laura, it's time
for me to give back to you.Copy !req
413. Three minutes in
neutral at 5,000 RPMs!Copy !req
414. That engine block's at
precisely 400 degrees.Copy !req
415. (whoops)
Yay!Copy !req
416. Yee-haw!Copy !req
417. I think you're
an amazing girl,Copy !req
418. but I'm just not sure
this is gonna work.Copy !req
419. Not even with youthful
holiday wig?Copy !req
420. I would say especially
with youthful holiday wig.Copy !req
421. Come on, Mah Mah.Copy !req
422. Everyone's waiting
to eat dessertCopy !req
423. and is very embarrassed
for you.Copy !req
424. Sorry about that.Copy !req
425. You want to come downstairs
and have some pie?Copy !req
426. Or stay up here and do the same?Copy !req
427. Sorry, Hayley.
I've made other dessert plans.Copy !req
428. Hayley, you didn't thinkCopy !req
429. I was gonna let Big Wang slip
through my fingers, did you?Copy !req
430. Come on, I've still got
two big installs tonight,Copy !req
431. but only one more job to do,
if you get my drift.Copy !req
432. Marvin, Laura,
various other hicks,Copy !req
433. that was the best Thanksgiving
dinner I've ever had.Copy !req
434. Who is this guy?Copy !req
435. Exactly! Who am I?Copy !req
436. Who am I to you?Copy !req
437. Me, a Redskins fan,
you, all Cowboy fans.Copy !req
438. (whooping)
Anyone seen my kid?Copy !req
439. We couldn't be more opposite
on this day.Copy !req
440. But you welcomed me
into your parking spaceCopy !req
441. and taught me how to survive.Copy !req
442. 'Course we
did, Stan.Copy !req
443. 'Cause where
we come from,Copy !req
444. Thanksgiving's about
sharing diverse cultures,Copy !req
445. no matter who you are or
how much your team sucks.Copy !req
446. Or how Chinese you are!Copy !req
447. Seriously, I'm gonna be in real
trouble if I can't find him.Copy !req
448. I'm home!
I made it home!Copy !req
449. Stan, where have you been?Copy !req
450. You took the trash out
hours ago!Copy !req
451. I've been to a wonderful place.Copy !req
452. I was tailgating in the parking
lot with Cowboys fans.Copy !req
453. They taught me how to make
a vest out of foam fingers,Copy !req
454. and I taught them
how to cook burgers on my car.Copy !req
455. And I learned the true meaning
of Thanksgiving.Copy !req
456. That you should accept everyone,Copy !req
457. no matter their team colors
or their skin color or...Copy !req
458. or how horrible they are.Copy !req
459. Oh, that's
sweet, Stan.Copy !req
460. Wait. Why would there be Cowboys
fans at the Redskins game?Copy !req
461. The Cowboys always play
in Dallas on Thanksgiving.Copy !req
462. What?
They're gonna ask at Comic-Con.Copy !req
463. We better have an answer!Copy !req
464. Bye! Have a beautiful time.Copy !req