1. Aah!Copy !req
2. Good... morning, everyone.Copy !req
3. It is a beautiful
72 degrees out.Copy !req
4. Today has so much promise.Copy !req
5. Today?
Try Berlin in '38.Copy !req
6. So many different people.Copy !req
7. So many opinions.Copy !req
8. A marketplace of ideas.Copy !req
9. Anyway,
today in sex-ed,Copy !req
10. we're asking our teacher
anonymous questions.Copy !req
11. It can be anything
we want to know.Copy !req
12. That's great, honey.Copy !req
13. You know, Steve,
legend has it,Copy !req
14. that if you can stump
a sex-ed teacher,Copy !req
15. you become the
sex-ed teacher.Copy !req
16. (imitates Highlander):
"There can be only one!"Copy !req
17. Hey. Did you guys know
that there's a landmassCopy !req
18. made up of garbage that's
floating in the Pacific Ocean?Copy !req
19. You shouldn't
have to go that farCopy !req
20. just to throw away
that manly jacket.Copy !req
21. Well, I'm tired of ignoring
the world's problems.Copy !req
22. So, today, I start my new job
for a local news reporterCopy !req
23. with a brand-new show.Copy !req
24. Oh, that sounds hard.Copy !req
25. Are you sure
you want to bother?Copy !req
26. Look, this is my chance
to get the truth out thereCopy !req
27. about Garbage Island
and so many other things.Copy !req
28. People need to know the dangers
of eating non-organic fruitCopy !req
29. and that vaccines are—Copy !req
30. Hayley! Behind you!Copy !req
31. Damn it!
One at a time, you guys.Copy !req
32. This is why we had
all those drills.Copy !req
33. Whatever.Copy !req
34. I'm going out there
to make a difference.Copy !req
35. Oh, come on!Copy !req
36. I'm Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
37. Tonight on News Glance:Copy !req
38. Is heroin the
new cure for cancer?Copy !req
39. What I don't know about things
will shock you.Copy !req
40. And cut. We're clear.Copy !req
41. You're late.Copy !req
42. You're
Genevieve Vavance?Copy !req
43. I thought I was working for
a real reporter.Copy !req
44. I am a real reporter.Copy !req
45. I broadcast live to Langley
Falls every night on channel 438Copy !req
46. after reruns of the
Taiwanese prayer breakfast.Copy !req
47. First pitch meeting
is this afternoon.Copy !req
48. Prepare to wow me.Copy !req
49. You're already
halfway there.Copy !req
50. I love that jacket.Copy !req
51. Is it...?Copy !req
52. Yeah. Cheap.Copy !req
53. All right.
It's time for me to answerCopy !req
54. your anonymous questions
about sex.Copy !req
55. "I've had sex three times."Copy !req
56. Kudos.Copy !req
57. But that's not a question.Copy !req
58. "What's it called when you
kiss someone on the toilet?"Copy !req
59. Good question.Copy !req
60. Scientists call that
a "San Diego Thank You."Copy !req
61. "Is it true that, during sex,
a woman's uterus can createCopy !req
62. a vacuum-like effect and suck
a person up inside of it?"Copy !req
63. Idiot.Copy !req
64. Hold up. Hold up.Copy !req
65. I recognize this handwriting.Copy !req
66. It's Steve Smith's.Copy !req
67. (laughing continues)
Loser!Copy !req
68. Hey, Steve! Look out...!Copy !req
69. Okay. Story ideas.Copy !req
70. Now, I don't know
where you worked before,Copy !req
71. but Genevieve Vavance does
things a little differently.Copy !req
72. Now, pitch.Copy !req
73. How 'bout we do a report
on the corruptionCopy !req
74. in the Langley Light Rail?Copy !req
75. No.Copy !req
76. (sighs)
Can we please getCopy !req
77. a bullet intern to make sure
I always have bullets?Copy !req
78. We had one.
We had one?Copy !req
79. What happened to her?Copy !req
80. Oh, that's right.Copy !req
81. She went back to school.Copy !req
82. She was great.Copy !req
83. She's gonna do great things.Copy !req
84. Well, I want to do an exposé
about Garbage Island.Copy !req
85. It's a giant mass of trash
polluting the Pacific Ocean.Copy !req
86. You know what's garbage?Copy !req
87. That story.Copy !req
88. Come on, I need something juicy
to boost my ratings!Copy !req
89. I need a serial killer priest!Copy !req
90. I need a vegetarian cop!Copy !req
91. I need a senator cheating
on his wife with a bagel!Copy !req
92. All of you,
get out thereCopy !req
93. and find me
my JonBenét Ramsey!Copy !req
94. But Garbage Island is a story
that people need to hear.Copy !req
95. I'll tell you what:Copy !req
96. you find me a story
that gets me ratingsCopy !req
97. and I'll let you report
on as much idealistic
crap as you want.Copy !req
98. Genevieve?
My bagel and I are readyCopy !req
99. to tell our side
of the story.Copy !req
100. You have my ear, Senator.Copy !req
101. Today was awful.Copy !req
102. Someone spray paintedCopy !req
103. "Steve Smith thinks
vaginas suck"Copy !req
104. on my locker.Copy !req
105. So what?
People think you're gay.Copy !req
106. (scoffs)
I wish!Copy !req
107. No one thinks I'm sexual at all,Copy !req
108. because of the stupid question
I asked in class.Copy !req
109. My day was worse.Copy !req
110. My new boss is Roger.Copy !req
111. I-I wanted to make
a difference in the world,Copy !req
112. but he just wants
a missing kid
to sensationalize.Copy !req
113. Missing kids are so lucky.Copy !req
114. I'd kill to
disappear right now.Copy !req
115. Wait a minute...Copy !req
116. What if you did disappear?Copy !req
117. What do you mean?Copy !req
118. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
119. We pretend
you were kidnappedCopy !req
120. and we hide you away
for a week,Copy !req
121. Roger gets his
missing person storyCopy !req
122. and then I get to do my exposé
on Garbage Island.Copy !req
123. That's great!Copy !req
124. By the time I get back,Copy !req
125. everyone will have
forgotten all aboutCopy !req
126. my ignorance of
the fairer sex!Copy !req
127. I'm not as concerned aboutCopy !req
128. what you're getting
out of it, but sure.Copy !req
129. I rented this cabin
for the next week.Copy !req
130. Y-You sure
you'll be okay?Copy !req
131. Of course!
I'll be fine.Copy !req
132. Geez, Steve.Copy !req
133. Four gallons of Lubriderm?Copy !req
134. You try living
with eczema.Copy !req
135. All right.Copy !req
136. Time to report
a disappearance.Copy !req
137. Hello?Copy !req
138. (voice breaking):
Genevieve?Copy !req
139. It's Hayley.Copy !req
140. I think I have
your story.Copy !req
141. My little brother
has gone missing!Copy !req
142. Steve is missing?Copy !req
143. How horrible for him.Copy !req
144. But fantastic for us!Copy !req
145. We can make this
national news!Copy !req
146. They said I wasn't
good enough for television.Copy !req
147. How do you like me now,
voices in my head?Copy !req
148. There's no pleasing you guys!Copy !req
149. No, not you, Marc.Copy !req
150. You're always super positive.Copy !req
151. Hard-hitting reporter.Copy !req
152. Truth seeker.Copy !req
153. Curves membership.Copy !req
154. This is News GlanceCopy !req
155. with Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
156. Sad news out of
Langley Falls tonight,Copy !req
157. stunningly gorgeous
high school student,Copy !req
158. Steve Smith,
has gone missing.Copy !req
159. Athletic. Chiseled. Missing.Copy !req
160. All we know right now is that
Steve was last seen at homeCopy !req
161. with his family
and he is adorable.Copy !req
162. This isn't some ugly kid
who went missing. No.Copy !req
163. This is a person who matters.Copy !req
164. To fully understand
the weight of this tragedy,Copy !req
165. let's take a look at some photos
of Steve to the song,Copy !req
166. "It's So Hard
to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,"Copy !req
167. from the notable Boyz II Men
album, "Cooleyhighharmony."Copy !req
168. It's too early to speculate
whether Steve is dead or alive,Copy !req
169. but, when we come back,
it won't be.Copy !req
170. And now,
a word from our sponsor,Copy !req
171. BeerWater.Copy !req
172. You can lead a horse to water,Copy !req
173. but you can't make him party.Copy !req
174. Unless you have BeerWater!Copy !req
175. BeerWater—
quench your sober.Copy !req
176. This is great, right?Copy !req
177. I just saw the early ratingsCopy !req
178. and we're holding 81 percentCopy !req
179. of the Taiwanese
prayer breakfast numbers.Copy !req
180. Yeah. Listen, now that
I got you your hot story,Copy !req
181. I get to do my report on
Garbage Island, right?Copy !req
182. Yeah. We're definitely
gonna do that.Copy !req
183. A thousand percent,
top priority on my mind.Copy !req
184. ♪ It's so hard...Copy !req
185. What the hell is that?Copy !req
186. ♪ To say goodbye...Copy !req
187. And we...Copy !req
188. have... vigil.
♪ To yesterday.Copy !req
189. Look how sad everyone is.Copy !req
190. I did this!Copy !req
191. Officer, please,
find our baby boy.Copy !req
192. We're doing everything we can
with the evidence we have.Copy !req
193. Which... is...Copy !req
194. no evidence.Copy !req
195. But we will, uh...Copy !req
196. find him?Copy !req
197. Whoa. A monkey
holding a banana?Copy !req
198. So many Beanie Babies here
I haven't seen before.Copy !req
199. Francine, look at this one!Copy !req
200. It's a bear
in a bunny costume.Copy !req
201. What are you doing
in a bunny costume, bear?Copy !req
202. I'm here with the parents,
Stan and Francine Smith.Copy !req
203. Do you folks
have a statement?Copy !req
204. I just want
my baby to come home.Copy !req
205. Of course you do.Copy !req
206. But I'd let yourself
want other things, too.Copy !req
207. I mean, we're at a vigil.Copy !req
208. It's not like you have those
when things are going great.Copy !req
209. If you'll excuse me,Copy !req
210. I have to go
comfort my wife now.Copy !req
211. I bet a Beanie Baby
would cheer her up.Copy !req
212. Like this one.Copy !req
213. She might like this one.Copy !req
214. (gasps)
This one reminds me ofCopy !req
215. Abigail Breslin.Copy !req
216. Not so much the way it looks,
but its energy.Copy !req
217. Great work, Hayley!Copy !req
218. This story is
just what I needed.Copy !req
219. I know, but I feel awful.Copy !req
220. My mom is devastated.Copy !req
221. Well, yeah,
her little baby's missing.Copy !req
222. Th-That's the thing,
he's...Copy !req
223. he's not really missing.Copy !req
224. I, I kind of staged
the whole thing.Copy !req
225. Oh, my God, Hayley!Copy !req
226. You're a journalist!
What?Copy !req
227. Sure!Copy !req
228. We don't report the news,
we make it.Copy !req
229. Accuracy is so time-consuming.Copy !req
230. Fiction is the new fact.Copy !req
231. Roger, these people
need to know thatCopy !req
232. Steve isn't missing, okay?Copy !req
233. I got to come clean on this.Copy !req
234. You know what else
has to come clean?Copy !req
235. Garbage Island.Copy !req
236. Don't you still
want to do your report?Copy !req
237. Of course I do!Copy !req
238. But, uh,
my mom, she's so torn up.Copy !req
239. Look, just let this ride
for one more day, all right?Copy !req
240. Besides, the more popular
the story gets,Copy !req
241. the more viewers we'll haveCopy !req
242. for your bummer piece
on Garbage Island.Copy !req
243. (sighs) Fine.Copy !req
244. One more day.Copy !req
245. All right.
I'm gonna take a lap.Copy !req
246. It's super easy to take peoples'
wallets while they're crying.Copy !req
247. Justice hunter. Philanthropist.Copy !req
248. Has a Gmail account.Copy !req
249. This is News Glance
with Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
250. Been a tough day for all of us
here at the Glance.Copy !req
251. Steve Smith has now been
missing for 36 hours.Copy !req
252. I'm joined by some of
Steve's classmates.Copy !req
253. You look like
the type of girlsCopy !req
254. who do a lot of
regrettable things.Copy !req
255. How does it feel today,Copy !req
256. knowing you'll probably
never get to hit that?Copy !req
257. Sad. Steve was
really cute.Copy !req
258. I guess I just wish
I could've hit that.Copy !req
259. It's so important
to have sex with peopleCopy !req
260. before they go missing.Copy !req
261. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
262. All those girls want me?Copy !req
263. Awesome!Copy !req
264. The longer I stay in this cabin,
the more laid I'm gonna get!Copy !req
265. Yeah.Copy !req
266. More volume!Copy !req
267. I want it super big!Copy !req
268. You're doing a great job.Copy !req
269. I know I'm demanding,
but I'm working on it.Copy !req
270. But it also got me
where I am today.Copy !req
271. So when I ask you to
make it super big,Copy !req
272. I mean, make it super big!Copy !req
273. I will murder you!Copy !req
274. I'm sorry.
Work in progress.Copy !req
275. God is not finished
with this gal.Copy !req
276. Hey, Genevieve, I'm all set to
do my story on Garbage Island.Copy !req
277. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we'll get to it.Copy !req
278. But first, I got an
exclusive with the parents.Copy !req
279. Wait. What?Copy !req
280. And we're back.Copy !req
281. I'm here tonight
with Stan and Francine Smith,Copy !req
282. heartbroken parents of America's
missing son, Steve Smith.Copy !req
283. Stan, Francine,Copy !req
284. why did you murder your son?Copy !req
285. What?
Not ready to confess?Copy !req
286. Let's look at some statistics.Copy !req
287. 100% of the time a child goes
missing, the parents did it.Copy !req
288. Legally not a fact.Copy !req
289. What are you talking about?Copy !req
290. And where'd you hide the body?Copy !req
291. We didn't
hide the body.Copy !req
292. So you admit there's a body?Copy !req
293. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
294. I'm sorry.
Its been a long week.Copy !req
295. Emotions are running wild.Copy !req
296. Can I get you something?
A BeerWater perhaps?Copy !req
297. No, thanks.
That stuff gives me diarrhea.Copy !req
298. Stan, are you close
with your son?Copy !req
299. No, but that doesn't mean
I murdered him!Copy !req
300. Interesting.
Can we play that back?Copy !req
301. I murdered him!Copy !req
302. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
303. (clicking)
Oh!Copy !req
304. (gasps)
We have
to take a break.Copy !req
305. BeerWater...Copy !req
306. it won't give you diarrhea.Copy !req
307. (quietly):
Just keep it natural.Copy !req
308. You guys are doing great.
You're coming off super likable.Copy !req
309. Francine, how many times
did you stab your son?Copy !req
310. None!
Huh.Copy !req
311. Well, my team and I
created a reenactmentCopy !req
312. of what we believe happened
the night Steve disappeared.Copy !req
313. You know what
I've been thinking about lately?Copy !req
314. How Steve is the worst?Copy !req
315. Yes! I kind of want
to murder him.Copy !req
316. Great idea!
We'll use my knife!Copy !req
317. Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!Copy !req
318. Just coming in here to love you.Copy !req
319. I... forgive... you.Copy !req
320. Gruesome stuff.Copy !req
321. Can you two stick around
for my next guest? Yeah?Copy !req
322. Well, please welcome
Officer Keith Benson!Copy !req
323. What?
Stan and Francine Smith,Copy !req
324. you are under arrest for
the murder of your son.Copy !req
325. What the hell?Copy !req
326. We didn't kill him!Copy !req
327. We love our son!Copy !req
328. Wait! Officer, please!Copy !req
329. You're making a mistake!Copy !req
330. Tragic.Copy !req
331. After the break: bulimia.Copy !req
332. Bad for you,
but is it good for your toilet?Copy !req
333. Find out tonight at 11:00.Copy !req
334. Are you crazy?Copy !req
335. You let my mom and
dad go to jail?Copy !req
336. Now, I know you're angry, but
try not to let that come throughCopy !req
337. when you do your report
on Garbage Island, which is now!Copy !req
338. Go!
(theme music plays)Copy !req
339. Um... m-mo-most people like to
get wasted on an exotic island,Copy !req
340. but this island is waste.Copy !req
341. I'm sorry. I can't do this.Copy !req
342. Isn't she a trouper?Copy !req
343. Still trying to save the worldCopy !req
344. when, just moments ago,
she learnedCopy !req
345. that her parents murdered
her little handsome brother.Copy !req
346. They murdered her brother!Copy !req
347. Camera two,
they murdered her brother!Copy !req
348. I'm sorry. Cut! Cut!
I can't do this!Copy !req
349. Okay, from the top.Copy !req
350. Steve!
My orchestra!Copy !req
351. Pack your bags, Steve.
We're going home.Copy !req
352. Home? Are you crazy?Copy !req
353. "Steve Fever" is starting
to build.Copy !req
354. I'll be dropping more pantiesCopy !req
355. than when Mr. Bean worked
at Victoria's Secret.Copy !req
356. Haven't you been watching?Copy !req
357. Mom and Dad got arrested!Copy !req
358. Huh?
Yeah. This kidnapping
is officially over.Copy !req
359. Un... expected... twist!Copy !req
360. It is with a heavy heartCopy !req
361. that I must report one
of my own journalists,Copy !req
362. Hayley Smith,
kidnapped her brotherCopy !req
363. and framed her own parents
for his murder!Copy !req
364. (whispering):
Let her take the fall,Copy !req
365. or you're going down with her.Copy !req
366. Thank God we found him!Copy !req
367. He seems to be okay,
at least above the waist.Copy !req
368. Steve, did she do stuff to you?Copy !req
369. Oh, God, she did!Copy !req
370. Camera two,Copy !req
371. she did!Copy !req
372. What?Copy !req
373. These are all lies!Copy !req
374. Steve, tell them
the truth!Copy !req
375. Genevieve Vavance is right!Copy !req
376. My sister kidnapped me!Copy !req
377. Steve!Copy !req
378. We got a runner!Copy !req
379. You cops split up
and comb each side of the river.Copy !req
380. Don't come back
until you get her!Copy !req
381. Genevieve,
is that you?Copy !req
382. It's me— Edward.Copy !req
383. Edward? No.Copy !req
384. No, you can't be Edward.Copy !req
385. Edward weighed at least
25 pounds more than you.Copy !req
386. I lost that weight
in the academy.Copy !req
387. You look good, Genny.Copy !req
388. I see you kept my name.Copy !req
389. Only because
it was TV-ready.Copy !req
390. I'm married
to my career now.Copy !req
391. You always were.Copy !req
392. I got to go, Eddie.Copy !req
393. My story's leaving,
and I got to chase it.Copy !req
394. Hey, Sarge,
was that her?Copy !req
395. I get it now.Copy !req
396. Hey, you mind if I borrow
your Metro section?Copy !req
397. (in deep voice):
Sure.Copy !req
398. Tonight, don't miss The Steve
Smith Homecoming SpectacularCopy !req
399. hosted live by legendary
reporter Genevieve Vavance,Copy !req
400. with a special tributeCopy !req
401. by universally-likable
crooner Josh Groban!Copy !req
402. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
403. it's The Steve Smith
Homecoming Spectacular!Copy !req
404. Please welcome special
musical guest Josh Groban!Copy !req
405. And please welcome
my dear friendCopy !req
406. and spiritual guide,
Miss Genevieve Vavance.Copy !req
407. Thanks, Grobes.
See you next month in Mexico.Copy !req
408. I put your name on the room,Copy !req
409. in case you want
to check in before me.Copy !req
410. And now let's have
a big welcome back forCopy !req
411. Steve Smith and his parents,
Stan and Francine!Copy !req
412. Thank you
for being here.Copy !req
413. Now, let's start
with the parents.Copy !req
414. How thankful are youCopy !req
415. that my accusing you of murder
has brought an endCopy !req
416. to this terrible ordeal?Copy !req
417. On a scale
from 90 to 100.Copy !req
418. Then... 90.Copy !req
419. 90. Wow! Still an A!Copy !req
420. (applause)
They don't just give those out!Copy !req
421. And Steve Smith,Copy !req
422. here you are, safe, free,Copy !req
423. the nightmare
behind you.Copy !req
424. Tell us: what was it like to
be kidnapped by your own sister?Copy !req
425. Well, I...Copy !req
426. I'm not sure.Copy !req
427. Is that right?Copy !req
428. Well, maybe
the teleprompter can help.Copy !req
429. Um... I... Well...Copy !req
430. Uh, I had heard
that there was never a timeCopy !req
431. you weren't certain
you were going to die.Copy !req
432. Every girl
in that crowd wants you.Copy !req
433. Just read the damn prompter.Copy !req
434. "My crazy sister locked me upCopy !req
435. and made me kiss a raccoon
on the mouth..."Copy !req
436. No! That's not true.Copy !req
437. None of this is!Copy !req
438. Wha-What-What?Copy !req
439. I can't do this.Copy !req
440. My sister didn't kidnap me.Copy !req
441. I humiliated myself at school,
so she helped me hide.Copy !req
442. This entire thing was staged.Copy !req
443. And Genevieve Vavance
was in on it.Copy !req
444. Yes, I staged
Steve's kidnapping,Copy !req
445. but Genevieve Vavance
knew about it.Copy !req
446. She had my parents
arrested for a crimeCopy !req
447. she knew they
didn't commit,Copy !req
448. and when I told her to stop,
she framed me, too.Copy !req
449. (audience murmuring)
We trusted you!Copy !req
450. You're supposed
to be a journalist!
(audience booing)Copy !req
451. I can't read!
I depend on you!Copy !req
452. Whoa!Copy !req
453. Aah!Copy !req
454. Uh, uh, everyone,
a big handCopy !req
455. for the BeerWater
mermaids!Copy !req
456. Hayley, I'm sorry I let
everyone think you kidnapped me.Copy !req
457. No, Steve.Copy !req
458. I'm the one who owes
you an apology.Copy !req
459. I just wanted to be a journalist
and get the truth out there,Copy !req
460. but I ended up compromising
all my beliefs along the way.Copy !req
461. (sighs)
I learned my lesson.Copy !req
462. I'll never be ambitious again.Copy !req
463. Hayley, I have no idea
what's going on,Copy !req
464. but it sounds like
I should be proud of you.Copy !req
465. That ballad
was supposed to beCopy !req
466. my "Candle in the Wind,"
you dicks!Copy !req
467. All right, I'm gonna do the
bumpers for the next few shows.Copy !req
468. Just keep it rollin'.
I ain't doing this twice.Copy !req
469. What household item could
kill you in the next half-hour?Copy !req
470. We'll tell you tonight...
at 11:00!Copy !req
471. Easily surprised?
You'll be shockedCopy !req
472. by what you learn
tonight at 11:00.Copy !req
473. Texting and driving—
how it may save your life.Copy !req
474. Tonight at 11:00!Copy !req
475. Is Mario Lopez gay?Copy !req
476. We make irresponsible guesses,
tonight at 11:00.Copy !req
477. The results will shock him.Copy !req
478. Tonight, at 11:00, teens are
having sex younger and younger.Copy !req
479. Want to watch?Copy !req
480. Bye! Have a beautiful time.Copy !req