American Dad! 10x16

Directed by Chris Bennett

Gary Busey as Gary Busey (voice) • Wayne Federman as (voice) • Kevin Durand as (voice) • John Viener as Security Guard (voice) • Chris Diamantopoulos as (voice)

Stan fears that Hayley has no life skills so he forces her to take a job as a bartender in Roger's attic bar but, when Bullock becomes Hayley's best customer, Stan realizes that he can use his daughter's knowledge to get ahead at work.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Aah!

2. Stan, what are you doing home?

3. It's only 4:00.

4. They all went bowling.

5. Who did?

6. Bullock and his Inner Circle.

7. Well, why don't you ask to be in the Inner Circle?

8. I did.

9. Sir?

10. Smith, what are you doing here?

11. Can I be in the Inner Circle?

12. No! And shut the door.

13. Taxpayers are paying top dollar for this wind.

14. All the agents in the Inner Circle

15. were flying like birds, Francine,

16. and I was just standing there on the ground,

17. like a stupid mammal.

18. Well, I don't think you're a mammal.

19. Morning, guys.

20. Morning? You better be talking

21. about former Charlotte Hornet Alonzo Mourning,

22. because it's 4:00 in the afternoon.

23. You can't possibly just be getting up.

24. Whatevs.

25. Mom, hands, eggs, make.

26. You, hold it right there.

27. You, make your own eggs.

28. You, stay beautiful.

29. I don't know how to make eggs.

30. Mom always makes my breakfast.

31. Oh, my God.

32. You can't make food, you sleep all day,

33. you barely form complete sentences.

34. What are you talking me at?

35. You have no survival skills.

36. Oh, don't be so overdramatic.

37. Someday, we are gonna die, Francine.

38. You sooner than me, probably,

39. with all that string cheese you eat,

40. but we're both gonna go, and when we do,

41. this girl right here is not qualified to be anything

42. other than a stripper or a crack whore

43. or a-a...

44. Oh, I was sure there was a third.

45. Uh, stripper, crack whore, grocery bagger?

46. No, no, that's a noble profession.

47. I have plenty of survival skills.

48. The prove it. Effective immediately,

49. you are gonna start paying rent around here, young lady.

50. How am I supposed to afford that?

51. You've got survival skills; figure it out.

52. Go be something other than a stripper or a crack whore

53. or a-a... or a...

54. Oh, God, that is so annoying.

55. Uh, stay-at-home mom.

56. It was right in front of me the whole time.

57. Thanks for the bartending job, Roger.

58. My dad is insisting I pay rent.

59. I don't blame him.

60. Somebody's got to pay for all this neon,

61. and it's not gonna be me.

62. All my money goes to experimental VD treatments.

63. Anyway, now that you're a bartender,

64. people are gonna share a lot of things with you,

65. and the better listener you are, the better tips you'll get.

66. Except for Carlos.

67. He's gonna offer you a tip.

68. You don't want that tip.

69. That tip is connected to his body.

70. I am so excited to share Das Boot with you.

71. This is the greatest German movie of all time.

72. If you don't count the Hindenburg footage.

73. What's so funny? They're just eating dinner.

74. It's a reference to Das Kleines Madchen und Der Zwergenhafter.

75. The Little Girl and the Little Person?

76. No idea.

77. What?

78. You don't know the famous German fairy tale

79. The Little Girl and the Little Person?

80. You can't fully appreciate this movie

81. without knowing this story.

82. Once upon a time, there was a little girl

83. with hair as golden as sauerkraut.

84. Das Madchen was taking her beloved schnauzer

85. for a walk one day,

86. when she came upon a little person

87. toiling in the fields.

88. Why am I the little girl?

89. And why am I the little person?

90. Because German kinder do what they're told!

91. Now shut up and listen!

92. Suddenly, the little person saw an eagle

93. soaring overhead.

94. Achtung, an eagle.

95. The little girl cowered,

96. since we all know what natural sworn enemies

97. schnauzers and eagles are.

98. Wait, why schnauzers and eagles

99. be natural sworn enemies?

100. What?

101. You don't know the story of the schnauzer

102. who stole the eagle's worm?

103. Well, now I have to tell you that story first,

104. because you can't get the other story

105. without knowing this story.

106. Once upon a time...

107. Oh, God.

108. Stan, I know you want Hayley

109. to learn to take care of herself,

110. but is Roger's bar

111. the healthiest environment for her?

112. Will you go up there and see if she's okay?

113. Spy on Hayley? Sure.

114. It's been years since I've gone undercover.

115. Let me refresh myself on my special skills.

116. (Jamaican accent): Oye, dis'll be as easy

117. as rolling a spliff in Kingston Town, mon.

118. How do you do that, man?

119. Good Lord, Francine is right.

120. I can't let Hayley work here.

121. Want to know what I really think?

122. Agents don't have any style anymore.

123. If some agent today were to have the sense of élan

124. to walk into my office wearing a pocket square,

125. what I wouldn't do for that man.

126. Maybe even let him into the Inner Circle?

127. I'll have another.

128. And pour one for yourself.

129. Sorry, on the clock.

130. Ah, but I insist.

131. Okay, why not?

132. Don't get too drunk, Avery.

133. I know you're a guy with a lot of secrets,

134. and, you know, loose lips.

135. You're my bartender.

136. If I can't share with you, who can I?

137. I might even tell you my favorite animal.

138. I'll give you a hint.

139. Meow.

140. Francine, what the hell is a pocket square?

141. What? It's a decorative kerchief.

142. Who cares?

143. How was the bar?

144. Is Hayley gonna be okay working up there?

145. Huh? Oh, oh, great bar.

146. Great bar, classy bar.

147. Free drinks for everyone who saw him threaten me.

148. Great bar.

149. All right, pocket square,

150. time to work your magic.

151. This is Rihanna.

152. This is Katy Perry.

153. This is Selena Gomez.

154. All right, that completes today's hotties.

155. Smith,

156. this meeting doesn't concern you.

157. If we need...

158. I'm sorry.

159. I didn't mean to use a harsh tone there.

160. Would you step into my office, please?

161. We're not to be disturbed.

162. Unless you see something funny on YouTube.

163. Smith, I had no idea you rock it in the pocket.

164. Feast your eyes.

165. You like pocket squares, too?

166. I do. In fact,

167. the first time I wore one,

168. I was at Buzz Aldrin's bachelor party.

169. Oh, you're not in the Inner Circle,

170. but keep up the good work.

171. Sir, come quick.

172. Some frat boys put sunglasses on a bulldog,

173. and he's walking around to "Bad to the Bone."

174. They're pulling him in a wagon now!

175. Hayley?

176. Hey, button-nose, time to get up.

177. Got to get ready for work.

178. (groans) Not feeling so good.

179. So, listen, I couldn't help but notice

180. that Bullock was in the bar last night.

181. Any fun stories or anything?

182. Dad, I can't tell you that.

183. Bartender's code.

184. Oh, no, no, of course.

185. You don't need to tell me about codes.

186. Morse, da Vinci, I follow them all.

187. Now get up.

188. Important people need to unload their secrets on you.

189. But I'm-I'm just so hungover.

190. Bullock's there every night,

191. and he always insists that I drink with him.

192. Oh, maybe I should just get a different job.

193. What? Oh, no, no, no.

194. Come on now, that's where you're working.

195. Now, let's not have any silly talk

196. of you quitting that job.

197. Quitting is for Realtors

198. before they become Realtors.

199. I'll leave you with that.

200. And so the Frog King said to the Burgermeister...

201. At long last, Herr Frederick,

202. what gift have you brought for me?

203. The only gift I have, mein King,

204. is the gift of Liebenspiel.

205. (frogs croaking) The end.

206. I know I'm gonna regret this,

207. but what exactly is Liebenspiel?

208. What?

209. You don't know the meaning of Liebenspiel?

210. Stop asking questions!

211. We've been listening to these stupid stories forever.

212. I can't take another day off school.

213. Hey, button-nose. Now, don't worry.

214. I'm not gonna ask you to break the bartender's code.

215. I just thought I'd bring you some flowers

216. to show how proud I am of you.

217. (mic feedback squeals) Don't water these.

218. Aw, thank you.

219. That's very thoughtful of you.

220. Hayley, are you drunk?

221. Hey, I'm just doing what you told me to do.

222. I'm doing my job.

223. Well, maybe your mother's right.

224. Maybe this isn't the healthiest environment for you.

225. You should quit.

226. Hello. (gasps)

227. But you're clearly too legit to quit.

228. Hey, hey!

229. Barkeep, line them up.

230. Hayley, did I ever tell you

231. about the time I murdered the entire Bolshoi ballet?

232. It was also the weekend I discovered Crocs.

233. And now I'd like to welcome

234. the newest member of our Inner Circle,

235. Stan Smith.

236. That means you're out, Quackenbush.

237. Well, we got the chair right.

238. There's just the small matter of the ceiling.

239. Hayley?

240. I knew this was a mistake.

241. Hayley, get up!

242. (slurring): I am showing Dad I'm responsible.

243. When did I eat vomit?

244. Hayley, you have a problem!

245. Oh, you want to go, bitch?

246. Let's go!

247. Ooh, shiny!

248. Hey, that's my badass Stingray!

249. Hayley, are you okay?

250. Lucky she's drunk.

251. When you're drunk, your body goes limp

252. so you don't get hurt when you fall. Really?

253. Oh, yeah, that's how Gary Busey did all his own stunts.

254. Hayley, stop! Please come back!

255. Nice... Nice...

256. (slurring): My bumper car's not working.

257. Lucky you were drunk.

258. When you're drunk, your body goes limp

259. and you don't get hurt when you crash.

260. Really?

261. Yeah, that's how I did my stunts.

262. Hey, you stepped in something, Quackenbush!

263. Hello?

264. Stan, Hayley's in rehab.

265. Hayley's in rehab? Hold on.

266. I'm in the Inner Circle,

267. Hayley's out of the house.

268. There's no downside.

269. Wait— whose car did she crash?

270. Roger's. Great, bye.

271. Rehab, eh?

272. Hey, we'd like to rent Das Boot.

273. Whoa! That's so weird.

274. Some orange dude just came in here

275. and rented our last two copies.

276. Klaus! We just wanted to watch the movie

277. without having to listen to all your Germanic folktales.

278. Yes, you two always try to take the easy way out.

279. Just like the story of Die Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick.

280. What's that story?

281. What?

282. Stoner video clerk,

283. you don't know the story of

284. Die Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick?

285. Bro. Bro, bro, bro, bro...

286. are you Nemo?

287. People are looking for you, bro.

288. Attention, Inner Circle.

289. Hayley Smith has just entered rehab.

290. This is her.

291. She has classified intel.

292. I have no idea how she obtained it,

293. but as part of her treatment,

294. she'll no doubt be forced to open up

295. to a bunch of loose-lipped drunks.

296. Therefore, she must be eliminated.

297. Oh, right, Smith.

298. Still not used to you being in the Inner Circle.

299. Of course we won't be killing your daughter.

300. Just a little joke there.

301. But seriously, could you leave the room?

302. Uh... sure.

303. No problem.

304. I was joking about joking.

305. The killing of Hayley Smith is very much on.

306. I'll tell you what else is still on...

307. our afternoon pants trading.

308. Gentlemen?

309. Can I get your underpants, too?

310. Mine are... kinda gross.

311. I need to see my daughter!

312. I'm sorry, sir,

313. I'm afraid it's patients only beyond this point.

314. Oh, what am I talking about?

315. I don't have a daughter. I'm drunk! I need help!

316. There's no way I should be behind the wheel!

317. Listen to how I'm slurring my words.

318. Sir, that's not convincing at all.

319. I'm telling you, I'm a menace!

320. Argh!

321. Sir, now you're just doing a pirate.

322. Damn it!

323. That's it!

324. Now get in there, ya drunk son of a bitch!

325. Hey, aren't you The Most Interesting Man in the World?

326. What are you doing here?

327. I don't always drink beer,

328. but when I do, I drink to excess.

329. Dad? Hayley?

330. Oh, my God! I just remembered why I'm here!

331. Oh, good. Then perhaps you could share it with the rest of us.

332. Dr. Penguin? What are you doing here?

333. I run this group.

334. I've had my own issues with substance abuse,

335. and the cash I make from this gig helps me

336. to continue to have them.

337. So... Stan, why are you here?

338. Because my daughter knows all these secrets about the CIA,

339. and they're sending people to have her killed!

340. What? That's right!

341. We have to get you out of here!

342. Stan, look at me. Why are you here?

343. I just told you!

344. Stan... why are you here?

345. Because I'm no good.

346. I pushed my daughter to become a drunk

347. just so I could get ahead at work.

348. And I didn't even prepare her for life.

349. She can't even take care of herself!

350. I'm a terrible father! (sobs)

351. There we go.

352. Dad, that's not true.

353. You're a great father.

354. Oh, you're just saying that because you're so stupid.

355. See, people?

356. We're all about breaking down walls here.

357. Go, go, go!

358. No, stop, stop, stop!

359. Tell me, friend, how did breaking down that wall make you feel?

360. Sir, I don't have time for...

361. (sobs): If only I could have broken down the wall between me and my ex,

362. I might still see my kids!

363. Oh, God.

364. They call Ron "Dad".

365. This is good. This is healthy.

366. I'm creating a connection.

367. And a diversion.

368. Run, you idiot!

369. This way!

370. Hayley, what did you do?

371. We have nowhere to go!

372. Yes, we do. We're gonna drink this,

373. and then we're gonna jump off the roof,

374. but we're gonna be fine, because our bodies'll go limp.

375. This is a terrible idea.

376. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!

377. (slurring): This was, this was a great idea!

378. I know, right?

379. Ooh, grab-grab that cab.

380. Hey, so what's the craziest thing you ever...

381. has ever happened in this cab?

382. So-so how many hours did...? Sir?

383. How many, how long ago when your shift...?

384. Did the cabbie survive?

385. No. The damn fool was driving sober!

386. We gotta find a place to hide!

387. We-we need a parade.

388. When-when's Chinese New Year?

389. Or we could just go in that Dumpster.

390. Mmm, do you smell that?

391. Oh, my God, this must be the Dumpster

392. for a pancake house.

393. Mmm. How good are these?

394. So... good.

395. Oh, my God, I had...

396. My friend went to Vegas once,

397. and he said that he has found,

398. he found a place with, that has, like, the best pancakes.

399. Hey, it's the guys from your office!

400. Oh, right!

401. Leave it! We don't have time!

402. You know what's crazy?

403. This already happened for people in Europe.

404. We're trapped!

405. I'm really scared.

406. See, this is why you should never eat lobsters.

407. Why?

408. 'Cause-'cause they get, they get caught in a trap.

409. I'm sorry it had to come to this, Smith.

410. All right, Hayley, where do you want it?

411. In the face. Yeah!

412. But before you do this, you might be interested

413. to know that I wrote down all those dirty little secrets

414. that you told me at the bar:

415. the Nepal slaughter, the Copenhagen incident,

416. the nuclear war in Chicago.

417. We can't let that get out!

418. It's all in a manila envelope with strict instructions

419. that if anything happens to me,

420. it will be released to every major newspaper in America!

421. So?

422. And to the Internet.

423. Well played, young Smith.

424. As for you, old Smith,

425. you're out of the Inner Circle.

426. Please forget the Wi-Fi password.

427. That was amazing!

428. Hayley, do you realize what this means?

429. It means you can take care of yourself!

430. You're gonna be just fine after all!

431. I told you!

432. Ah, button-nose.

433. You ready to go home?

434. You bet.

435. Hi, I'm Nicholas Vanderbilt,

436. the actor who plays Stan Smith.

437. (Australian accent): And I'm Kate Fagan, aka Hayley.

438. You know, we've had some fun tonight

439. suggesting drunken people are less likely

440. to be injured in falls and crashes.

441. The dark reality is that alcohol makes

442. each of these far more likely... and deadly.

443. So, please, if you're going to crash a car

444. or jump off a building, do it sober.

445. Hang in there.

446. You are loved and you are special.

447. Good night.

448. That was amazing!

449. And so much more meaningful

450. with all the cultural references.

451. I told you.

452. There's only one thing I don't understand.

453. Why were they all fighting in the first place?

454. Yeah. What-what was that all about?

455. What? You don't know why

456. the Americans and Germans were fighting in World War II?

457. Nobody knows.

458. Bye! Have a beautiful time.