Agent Elvis 1x8

1. Oh, come on.

2. I am bored out of my fucking mind here. I know you're holding.

3. Just give me a little something.

4. Acid, shrooms, ludes, dealer's choice, I'm not picky.

5. That, or I'm gonna lick you like one of those psychedelic frogs in the Amazon.

6. Swear to God.

7. Ugh. Damn, nothing.

8. Have you seriously been listening to yourself this whole trip?

9. Don't know if you've noticed,

10. but not a lot of entertainment options around here.

11. You know, Tom Jones does a killer version of this song.

12. I don't even know why you bothered doing it.

13. Don't you have something else better to be doing?

14. I guess I could try licking Leary's face again.

15. Tastes like old man balls, by the way.

16. Thanks for the disturbing visuals.

17. Hey, I know you, man.

18. Everybody knows me.

19. That's kind of how being me works, buddy.

20. Now, you mind?

21. No, you don't understand.

22. I know the other you.

23. I worked on you in Germany, man.

24. Pretty sure you're tripping on something.

25. Of course I am. It's kind of my job.

26. I basically invented the whole hallucinogenic business model.

27. I'm like the Ray Kroc of getting fucked up.

28. Good luck with that.

29. Now, if you'll excuse me.

30. No, I know you.

31. You're Tupelo. You're Project Tupelo, man.

32. Tupelo, man.

33. No, it's fine. He won't remember a thing.

34. Jesus Christ. What the hell?

35. - Let me guess, flashbacks? - What?

36. Yeah, I know.

37. Those fuckers can be nasty.

38. I tried to weed them out, but I never got the formula quite right.

39. Here, when you're someplace safe and comfy,

40. take one of these.

41. Sugar cubes? What am I, a fucking horse?

42. Weirdly, yes.

43. Sometimes.

44. Oh, that's a good boy, good boy.

45. Are you out of your goddamn mind?

46. No, no, no, look.

47. Those little magic carpet rides

48. are dosed with my very own Timothy Leary signature brand,

49. organic, pharmacy-to-table, artisan LSD.

50. It's the same batch I gave the Beatles.

51. You do realize I'm a federal narcotics officer, sort of, don't you?

52. Oh, that bullshit Nixon photo-op?

53. Yeah, okay.

54. It makes a great coffee mug.

55. There's an Elvis/Nixon coffee mug?

56. Wow, you need to get a handle on your merchandising, Tupelo.

57. - Yeah. - What is it? Another flashback?

58. That is so weird.

59. Something must be triggering those, Tupelo.

60. I bet it's the word "Tupelo."

61. For God's sake, will you stop saying "Tupelo"?

62. Okay, that one's on you, Tu—

63. Listen, you have secrets deep inside you.

64. Take the LSD and free your mind, brother.

65. Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

66. Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats.

67. We will be landing in Memphis shortly.

68. Okay, okay, listen up, people.

69. When we get in the terminal, form a perimeter around my Elvis,

70. and no matter what, y'all keep moving.

71. All right, whatever. As long as we stop and grab a Goo Goo Cluster.

72. I'm literally starving to death.

73. Stopping's a bad idea.

74. Yeah, that's when they swarm.

75. Swarm?

76. Swear to God, this man is like Marvin Gaye to white people.

77. I don't think the whole swarming thing's gonna be a problem.

78. Okay, now that's fucking trippy.

79. Damn, my shit is good. Mwah.

80. This week's the first-ever Elvis convention at The Peabody.

81. I guess that explains all the extra mes walking around.

82. Although I'm not sure it explains that.

83. Welcome home, E.

84. Got the Caddy waiting outside, all shined up and ready to roll.

85. Mm! These Goo Goo Clusters are fucking amazing.

86. Best thing to ever come out of Tennessee.

87. I think you're forgetting, I came out of Tennessee.

88. Mm, actually, I'm not.

89. Damn, it's good to be me.

90. Listen up, all of you.

91. Starting right now, Graceland is off-limits for the weekend.

92. I need some alone time with my Priscilla.

93. Easy, tiger, it's not like I want to hang out with you either.

94. Professor and I are gonna grab some ribs, see some sights.

95. Oh, you got to see The Peabody ducks.

96. Yeah, I read about those on the plane.

97. Ducks in a hotel lobby.

98. Sounds thrilling, as far as giant health code violations go.

99. I don't care what y'all do

100. as long as whatever you're doing ain't here.

101. But yeah, you should really check out the ducks.

102. 'Scilla, I'm home. Where are my girls?

103. I'll be right down, baby.

104. I had Patsy take Lisa for the weekend.

105. I wanted you all to myself.

106. I sure like the sound of that.

107. Make yourself comfy and put on the blindfold.

108. I got a surprise for you.

109. Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising.

110. Take off that blindfold.

111. It is seriously good to be me.

112. Who the hell is Cowboy Jeb?

113. Ah, sweet, beloved Cowboy Jeb.

114. He had the number-one children's show in Memphis.

115. Cowboy Jeb's Jungle Gymboree!

116. Everybody loved him.

117. Then his show got canceled.

118. Oh. If everybody loved him so much, why'd he get canceled?

119. Turns out old Jeb's idea of a jamboree was getting blackout drunk

120. and hosting wild orgies with that fella from Hogan's Hero.

121. Okay.

122. I love this guy.

123. All right, so how does the chimp fit into this Norman Rockwell painting?

124. Well, it all started when Scatter got kicked out of NASA.

125. That damn fool couldn't keep his monkey junk in his diaper.

126. Knocked up one of the other space chimps.

127. He was devastated.

128. It took him on a nasty spiral of drugs, drinking,

129. and dumpster sex with strangers.

130. Hmm?

131. All he ever wanted was to be the first chimp on the moon.

132. But he only made it as far as Memphis.

133. And when the money ran out,

134. Scatter did photo shoots for Barely Human magazine.

135. Lordy, I pray for that monkey's soul.

136. But every unholy sin he made went to paying for his next fix.

137. Jeb took him in and cleaned him up.

138. Least he could do after pissing on him.

139. He gave Scatter a job as his sidekick,

140. and that nasty-ass chimp turned out to be a big hit with the kids.

141. Things were great.

142. But then the sponsors found out about Cowboy Jeb's kinky side.

143. And gave him a big, fat raise?

144. Cowboy Jeb lost everything,

145. ended up going bankrupt,

146. and sold Scatter to Elvis for 200 bucks.

147. Wow, cheap.

148. How much did he pay for Bobby Ray?

149. Baby... Baby, wait.

150. Look, I got a little surprise for you.

151. As sexy as you look right now,

152. I was thinking maybe we can connect on a...

153. deeper level.

154. Ooh, please tell me that's lysergic acid diethylamide.

155. Didn't realize you're on a first-name basis with LSD.

156. Didn't know you listened to this kind of music either.

157. Baby, it's groovy, don't you think?

158. Well, it definitely fits with the incense and black light posters,

159. that I didn't even know we had, by the way.

160. I'll have you know I happen to be a very cool and with-it chick,

161. which maybe wouldn't be such a surprise if you weren't gone so much.

162. I know. I know. I know.

163. I just...

164. Are you sure you want to?

165. I guess that answers that question.

166. I'm still not feeling anything.

167. Damn, me either.

168. I think maybe it takes a while to kick in.

169. Surprise, asshole. Ha-ha!

170. How's this for kicking in?

171. Buckle up, buttercup!

172. What the fuck?

173. Exactly.

174. I don't see what the big deal is.

175. I thought we'd at least see colors or something.

176. Shit, be right back.

177. What the hell are you doing here?

178. Well...

179. - funny story. - That I don't wanna hear.

180. You know that barbecue place you're always babbling about? Ray Ray's?

181. Yeah, what does Ray Ray's have to do with anything?

182. Okay, well, here's the thing.

183. Don't be mad, but the restaurant is not there anymore.

184. - What? - I mean, as of a few minutes ago.

185. I'm surprised you didn't see the fireball.

186. What are you talking about?

187. Those assholes followed us back to the States,

188. the ones from Algeria who tried to take Leary.

189. The Professor and I had just ordered some ribs

190. when they came out of nowhere, and then we...

191. - We kind of got into a little dust-up. - Dust-up?

192. Okay, fine, bloodbath.

193. So, then you came here, to my fucking home.

194. Relax, nobody followed me.

195. Wanna tell him that?

196. Kill that motherfucker. Finish him. Chew on his dead fucking eyeball.

197. I'm not an animal!

198. I'm not eating anybody's eyeball!

199. - Uh, no one said anything, dude. - Jesus.

200. Oh. I'm losing it.

201. Uh, yeah, by the way, Agent Overkill, I'm pretty sure he's dead.

202. Dear God.

203. You're gonna pass on the eyeballs?

204. You little bitch.

205. Jesus, you really are a pussy motherfucker.

206. I didn't mean to kill him. I wasn't even trying to.

207. Well, his pulverized head begs to differ.

208. Ugh. It's like head soup.

209. Would you get out of here, CeCe? And take Professor Burn-out with you.

210. Relax, we'll be out of your weirdly precise hair in no time.

211. Already called it in. TCB extraction team will be here in a jiff.

212. Screw jiff, you need to go. Get out of here, now.

213. Priscilla and I just took some LSD.

214. Get the fuck out.

215. Look at you being all hip and not square, taking dangerous hallucinogenic drugs.

216. I didn't take it to be cool, okay?

217. Drugs aren't cool, kids.

218. I'm doing research.

219. Oh yeah. Yeah, I know.

220. Me too, since junior high, actually.

221. So, are you gonna hook me up, or...

222. I got it from Leary.

223. Hold the fucking phone!

224. You have been holding out on me this whole time, you piece of...

225. Shit, okay, now I feel bad.

226. Lucky shot, hillbilly.

227. Everything okay out there?

228. I think it's finally kicking in.

229. Ooh!

230. Make that definitely kicking in.

231. Paul McCartney just crawled out of the TV.

232. Oh my, my...

233. - my. - Hello, love.

234. It feels like I should be freaking out right now.

235. Oh relax. You'll be fine.

236. You know, I've done this a million times.

237. - Really? - Oh yeah.

238. People get high listening to Beatles albums, and then blam,

239. there I am.

240. Ideally wearing clothes, you know.

241. Wait.

242. People hallucinate you in the nude?

243. They make me do things, if you know what I mean.

244. It's a bloody horror show, actually.

245. So, are you the only magical tour guide in these trips,

246. or do other Beatles show up?

247. Yeah, well, you know, mostly people hallucinate either me...

248. Or sometimes they hallucinate John...

249. Or sometimes George.

250. Ringo, not so much.

251. You know, if the drugs are really shite, you don't even get a Beatle.

252. You get one of the fucking Monkees.

253. Talk about a bloody horror show.

254. Scatter, you old scamp, you!

255. Oh, I've missed you, partner.

256. I'm totally clean.

257. Sober for two years now.

258. They're even talking about bringing the show back.

259. I know, right?

260. I was kind of hoping you'd come back.

261. Get the old team back together.

262. What do you say?

263. Aw!

264. Oh, this sucks.

265. I feel you, brother.

266. You ever feel, you know, unappreciated?

267. All the damn time.

268. Sometimes it feels like I'm wasting my life with this whole Elvis thing.

269. You shut your damn talk hole.

270. I saw you sing at the airport Howard Johnson's.

271. You are goddamn amazing.

272. Don't pull my chain, man. You really think so?

273. Hey, I ain't going to shit down your neck and tell you it's raining.

274. Pretty sure I know that's not rain.

275. I'm telling you, man. If I close my eyes, I could have sworn you was Elvis.

276. That's the problem. No one closes their eyes.

277. Maybe the world just ain't ready for a Black Elvis.

278. I haven't had a gig in months.

279. Come on, I find that hard to believe.

280. Believe it, brother.

281. The only Elvis working less than me is Orthodox Jewish Elvis.

282. And that's only because he can't work weekends starting sundown Friday night.

283. Ain't that right, Sid?

284. Shabbat, rattle and roll, my brother.

285. Could be more coming here.

286. Or not. Maybe try being more positive.

287. Okay, I'm positive there's more coming here.

288. Oh! Really love what you've done to the place.

289. It's got that whole mid-century modern warfare vibe.

290. Who's your deco?

291. Oh! Good call.

292. Yes, I didn't like that coffee table either, hideous.

293. Shut the fuck up, asshole!

294. Again, weird guy, didn't say anything.

295. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to him.

296. She can't see me, Einstein.

297. Do you not know how LSD trips work?

298. Okay, cupcake, how the fuck did you follow us?

299. With the tracker you left in our submarine.

300. Thank you for that.

301. Don't look at me.

302. You're the one who left the tracker on the sub, dumb-ass.

303. Doesn't mean I want you looking at me.

304. You have no idea what kind of shitstorm is coming your way.

305. We are legion.

306. Uh-oh, sounds like you fucked up, superspy,

307. bringing your dirty work home with you.

308. Wife's gonna be pissed.

309. I'd be nervous if I were you, and not just because

310. Paul fucking McCartney's trying to get in her pants in your basement.

311. Talk about a British invasion.

312. Side note, you may wanna duck now.

313. Ooh-whee, I'm pretty!

314. Now, let's boogie-woogie, motherfucker.

315. Yeah, you know, great times.

316. I did this in Hamburg once, but it wasn't on a Twister board.

317. I can't believe I'm gonna die in your tacky jungle fantasy room.

318. Tacky?

319. What? What? What, like your jungle room's way more refined or something?

320. That's just it.

321. No one else has a fucking jungle room.

322. Uh, the waterfall's a tad much, King.

323. Oh, you still don't get how LSD works, do you?

324. So, this is what dying's like.

325. Get used to it.

326. You're in TCB, baby.

327. You have a bright future in being dead.

328. I'm usually the peace and love guy on these trips,

329. but, uh, this gratuitous violence is actually a nice change of pace.

330. Ah! God, I love your accent.

331. 'Scilla, that was incredible. Where'd you learn to do all that?

332. I've been taking karate lessons,

333. something you would know if you were around more often.

334. Ah, I "sense a" trouble in paradise, pretty boy.

335. Get it?

336. Sense, sensei...

337. You get the wordplay, anybody?

338. How the hell am I gonna explain all this to Priscilla, huh?

339. Well, she's tripping her ass off, so I wouldn't worry.

340. And that's exactly why you shouldn't eat meat.

341. Those poor animals.

342. I'm serious.

343. My house looks like a goddamn war zone.

344. TCB has a cleanup crew.

345. They'll get this place back to all its cheesy splendor in no time.

346. Um, side note, we might want to take care of that first.

347. If you follow us, she dies.

348. Mind if I appropriate this side of your neck?

349. Get the hell off of me!

350. Come on, man, it's The Thing with Two Heads.

351. Rosey Grier and Ray Milland.

352. Great fucking movie.

353. Didn't see it.

354. Oh! Fucking classic.

355. They transplant a white bigot's head onto a Black man's body,

356. and brilliance ensues, right?

357. Somehow, I doubt that.

358. Oh. Well. Excuse me.

359. It might not reach the cinematic heights of that piece-of-shit nun movie you made,

360. but still.

361. I'm going after Priscilla. You get the other two.

362. You're not the boss of me.

363. But yeah, okay, it sounds like a plan.

364. Okay, I get it. They're pretty fucking great.

365. Listen up, some assholes kidnapped Priscilla.

366. I got a brand-new Cadillac for whoever grabs that fucker by the back door.

367. You got this, my man.

368. Hell yeah, I got this.

369. Here's a song by Mr. Chuck Berry.

370. Hit it, boys.

371. There you go, nice gesture letting a brother show you how it's done.

372. You do know that Chuck Berry is the true king of rock and roll, right, King?

373. I can't stress enough how much I need you to shut the hell up.

374. - Did they hurt you? - I'm fine. Just go.

375. You have to be the hero. I get it.

376. Elvis, the schmucks went that way.

377. Thanks, man. Dig the sideburns.

378. Whoa! Goddamn! Who do you think you are? Elvis Knelvis?

379. Oh man, I know I've been giving you shit, but that was pretty badass.

380. Finish him. Kill this asshole.

381. Ah.

382. I don't...

383. I don't know.

384. I don't know what's real anymore.

385. Ain't nothing more real than a memorable beheading.

386. Let's get shit done.

387. I don't have to kill him.

388. Maybe he's got a wife, kids...

389. Motherfucker, you have a wife and kid.

390. This animal came to your house, held a gun to your wife's head.

391. What if your little girl had been home? Kill him!

392. The extra head's got a point, honey.

393. Maybe you should kill him.

394. Normally I'd say kill him, boss,

395. but, hell, I've hardly been in this episode, so...

396. Don't listen to Gomer Pyle.

397. You're a killing machine. You're my killing machine.

398. No, goddamn it. No!

399. No, I'm not.

400. We don't...

401. - We don't have to kill him. - Don't have to kill him!

402. Yes, we do!

403. Damn, it's fucked up to be me.

404. So, how long do you think this LSD lasts?

405. Can't be over soon enough for me.

406. Oh look, it's Scatter.

407. He looks so cute.

408. What? Hey, I thought I was the cute one.

409. Oh fuck, look at the time. I gotta go.

410. I'm late for Jack Nicholson's acid trip.

411. Trust me, it gets dark fast.

412. Now, you know that monkey was better off with that freakshow cowboy, right?

413. Just like I was better off before you, asshole.

414. Exactly how I found them.

415. They've been sitting like that going on 12 hours now.

416. Jesus!

417. And what the hell happened upstairs?

418. Looks like I missed a hell of a party, which is not like me.

419. Well, that's the damnedest thing.

420. You got to see this.

421. That boy was beating his own self up and shooting up his own goddamn house.

422. What the hell did you give him?

423. Ah, one of my custom blends.

424. An earthy, full-bodied acid with an oaky vanilla character.

425. I'm surprised he's still alive, actually.

426. Got any more?

427. Oh come on. I'm bored out of my mind here.

428. I know you're holding. Just give me a little something.