1. Okay, it's bottom-line time.Copy !req
2. Who are you people, and what is all this?Copy !req
3. You've got questions.
That's understandable.Copy !req
4. Yeah, starting with,
"What the hell's TCB?"Copy !req
5. All in good time.Copy !req
6. Which happens to be right now.Copy !req
7. - Have a seat, sir.
- Who's this?Copy !req
8. Oh, you're not the only connoisseur
of exotic pets.Copy !req
9. This is mine. His name's Doyle.Copy !req
10. - I actually went to Columbia Law School.
- And now he picks up my dry cleaning.Copy !req
11. So, yeah, joke's on me.Copy !req
12. Yes, it is.Copy !req
13. Shall we?Copy !req
14. Did somebody order a total mindfuck?Copy !req
15. - I thought we told you no more robes.
- Yeah, but come on!Copy !req
16. How many times does a neighbor die
who wears the exact same size as me?Copy !req
17. Whoa, now, hang on.
What the hell is that thing?Copy !req
18. A little something I call
"enhanced being-there-ness."Copy !req
19. I thought we were calling it
"virtual reality."Copy !req
20. "Virtual reality"?
That's literally an oxymoron.Copy !req
21. Maybe try not being that stupid?Copy !req
22. Now, just relax.Copy !req
23. What the hell?Copy !req
24. Hi there. Welcome to TCB.Copy !req
25. What's TCB?Copy !req
26. Well, it stands for "The Central Bureau,"Copy !req
27. and it's been keeping America safe
since long before you kids were even born.Copy !req
28. Huh? How so?Copy !req
29. Put it this way.Copy !req
30. If it wasn't for TCB,Copy !req
31. half of you'd be toiling
in a Japanese salt mine right now,Copy !req
32. and the other half
would be selling fetish sex for foodCopy !req
33. in a Soviet worker's paradise.Copy !req
34. What's fetish sex?Copy !req
35. Kids are so stupid.Copy !req
36. Allow me to introduce myself.Copy !req
37. I am the Commander, the latest in a long,
illustrious line of TCB commandersCopy !req
38. who have quietly shaped history
into the very world you live in today.Copy !req
39. All through the secret power of TCB.Copy !req
40. 1952. World's first hydrogen bomb.Copy !req
41. We checked a big box with that one.Copy !req
42. At the time, many asked, "Why?"Copy !req
43. But at TCB, we ask,Copy !req
44. "Why the hell not?"Copy !req
45. But our technology is nothing
without the secret agents to use it.Copy !req
46. And that's where you come in.Copy !req
47. Now, if you're watching this,
that means you're probably pretty famous.Copy !req
48. Congrats on that, by the way.Copy !req
49. And not just for the fame,Copy !req
50. but more importantly,
for the will to succeed.Copy !req
51. The kind of iron will that saysCopy !req
52. you'll kill what you love and eat it
in a snow cave just to stay alive.Copy !req
53. Because that's what it takes
to be a celebrity in America.Copy !req
54. Oh, doors opened wide
for people like Marilyn,Copy !req
55. just like they do for you.Copy !req
56. And that's why for over 100 years,
TCB has utilized celebritiesCopy !req
57. to infiltrate, instigate, appropriate,
and if this thing in Prague works out,Copy !req
58. fumigate to keep America safe.Copy !req
59. Ben Franklin?Copy !req
60. That guy was fucking dark.Copy !req
61. And like him, as a celebrity,
you're an influencer.Copy !req
62. What you think matters to the world,Copy !req
63. which is just one of the many waysCopy !req
64. TCB has quietly shaped the world
into what it is today.Copy !req
65. You're welcome.Copy !req
66. But remember, at TCB, we don't
just bend civilization to our will,Copy !req
67. we also like to have fun!Copy !req
68. We even have an annual company retreat.Copy !req
69. But not at the beach anymore.Copy !req
70. The last time we tried that, it turned
into what you know as the Bay of Pigs.Copy !req
71. So, lesson learned.Copy !req
72. So, welcome to the team.Copy !req
73. And remember,
you're not just a celebrity anymore.Copy !req
74. You're a gladiator for American greatness.Copy !req
75. Dear God, their abs are like
a basket of snakes.Copy !req
76. And, what, you expect me
to believe all that?Copy !req
77. I think you and I both know
you already do.Copy !req
78. So, what do you think?Copy !req
79. Kick-ass spy gadgets?Copy !req
80. Kind of the whole point.Copy !req
81. Saving America?Copy !req
82. Practically every day.Copy !req
83. Insanely dangerous?Copy !req
84. I can almost guarantee
a very abrupt, violent death.Copy !req
85. Your training starts soon. Be ready.Copy !req
86. Guess I'll be seeing you around,
CeCe with an "E."Copy !req
87. Uh, hang on.
You can't leave with that suit.Copy !req
88. Need that back.Copy !req
89. I've been to the moon and back
in this thing.Copy !req
90. Pretty sure I earned it.Copy !req
91. Oh! Sorry, Miss Nesbit. You are out.Copy !req
92. Motherfucker.Copy !req
93. Oh come on.Copy !req
94. Who doesn't love Elvis?Copy !req
95. That man's a menace.Copy !req
96. He looks like
a male prostitute hairdresser.Copy !req
97. But not too hard to look at.Copy !req
98. Ooh, and don't even
get me started on his butt.Copy !req
99. That man's got an ass
like a mountain lion.Copy !req
100. It's working even better
than we anticipated.Copy !req
101. Response rate?Copy !req
102. Over 50%.Copy !req
103. Hold on a second.Copy !req
104. Ensign. Are you okay?Copy !req
105. That woman looks ridiculous.Copy !req
106. Who even dresses like that
flying around the galaxy?Copy !req
107. Ooh, looks like jealousy wears
a jungle cat-themed pantsuit in... Ow!Copy !req
108. I don't do jealous.Copy !req
109. I still can't believe
you and Captain Kirk are a thing.Copy !req
110. Well...Copy !req
111. Okay, we're not really dating.Copy !req
112. Although the other night, I did let him—Copy !req
113. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, thank you.Copy !req
114. No, thanks. I'm good.Copy !req
115. What is wrong with you? Grow up.Copy !req
116. Which I'd like to continue to do
without images like that in my head.Copy !req
117. Yeah, that's like
walking in on your parents butt-naked,Copy !req
118. but they're both
getting boned by Captain Kirk.Copy !req
119. And nobody needs that.Copy !req
120. Speak for yourself.Copy !req
121. Sorry to interrupt.Copy !req
122. What? What in the hell is this?Copy !req
123. Ah, Miss Bertie, I presume.Copy !req
124. Let me guess.Copy !req
125. You're the jackass
who runs the stupid little secret clubCopy !req
126. that almost got my precious Elvis
killed in a nuclear fireball.Copy !req
127. God, I love your strength.Copy !req
128. And he wasn't almost killed.Copy !req
129. Technically, he was slightly killed.Copy !req
130. - Based on radiation—
- Howard!Copy !req
131. Are you ready?
Because your training starts now.Copy !req
132. Training? What are you talking about?Copy !req
133. We're sending you on your first mission.Copy !req
134. What? Hold the phone, jackass.Copy !req
135. Sending him on his first mission is,
by definition, not training.Copy !req
136. Well, at TCB, we train by not training.Copy !req
137. You actually think those words make sense?Copy !req
138. We train by doing.
By throwing you in the deep end.Copy !req
139. Same way Vikings
taught their babies how to swim.Copy !req
140. And most of them probably did fine.Copy !req
141. Oh, so you think
you can just waltz right into my TV,Copy !req
142. interrupting Bertie's Star Trek,
and send me out on some mission?Copy !req
143. Did I mention a jetpack may be involved?Copy !req
144. - Where are we headed?
- Familiar with Altamont?Copy !req
145. - What's that? Some kind of Buick?
- No, man.Copy !req
146. It's like the Woodstock of the West,
up in San Fran.Copy !req
147. They're calling it
the Summer of Love all over again.Copy !req
148. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.Copy !req
149. Hippie orgy concert kind of shindig.
Got it.Copy !req
150. Indeed. And you'll get briefed
when you get to it.Copy !req
151. Oh, and maybe wear something
a little less... you.Copy !req
152. Watch your speed.Copy !req
153. They're filming a documentary up there.Copy !req
154. Gonna be cameras around,
so just make sure you blend.Copy !req
155. You know what?Copy !req
156. I actually make this look not ridiculous.Copy !req
157. Yep, and not for nothing.Copy !req
158. Pete Fonda's still calling,Copy !req
159. asking when he's getting
these motorcycles back.Copy !req
160. What'd you tell him?Copy !req
161. "What motorcycles?"Copy !req
162. Good man.Copy !req
163. Whoa. Hang on, E.Copy !req
164. I thought this was gonna be, you know,
just you and me cruising up the coast.Copy !req
165. Kind of a guy's trip, as in not the...Copy !req
166. chimp who just threatened to kill me
in three different fucking ways.Copy !req
167. Yeah, well, right back at you,
you furry little fuck!Copy !req
168. Me again.Copy !req
169. Oh dear Lord.Copy !req
170. I'd like to circle back real quickCopy !req
171. on something from earlier
vis-à-vis you calling me a jackass,Copy !req
172. and maybe walk you through
why that doesn't happen.Copy !req
173. Oh, I would, sweetie, but I can'tCopy !req
174. because I don't want to.Copy !req
175. That probably was not
the wisest course of action.Copy !req
176. Spock, can I borrow your ears
for Halloween?Copy !req
177. This year I wanna go
as an asshole in the peanut gallery.Copy !req
178. Oh!Copy !req
179. And to think this all started
with a kid named yours trulyCopy !req
180. buying a seven-dollar guitar
at Tupelo Hardware.Copy !req
181. Good God. Guess we can go ahead
and check the healthy self-image box.Copy !req
182. Oh good. It's, uh... you.Copy !req
183. Fun outfit.Copy !req
184. I'm trying to blend.Copy !req
185. So, you're gonna tell me why I'm here?Copy !req
186. 'Cause this is starting
to feel like a waste of my time.Copy !req
187. And like every conversation
I've ever had with Willie Nelson.Copy !req
188. By the way, is he dead?Copy !req
189. - Nope.
- Okay, here's the deal.Copy !req
190. Some unknown bad guys
stole some TCB technologyCopy !req
191. and may have turned it
into a sort of sonic weapon.Copy !req
192. The Commander thinks it might be here.
Could be dangerous.Copy !req
193. - Dangerous how?
- I don't know. That's all we got so far.Copy !req
194. That's pretty damn vague.Copy !req
195. Which is half the fun!Copy !req
196. That and the monkey
who keeps giving me pot.Copy !req
197. - Keep your eyes out for anything weird.
- And the jetpack?Copy !req
198. I so knew you'd fall for that.Copy !req
199. Uh, yeah, there's no jetpack,Copy !req
200. but you do get one of these,
to stay in touch.Copy !req
201. Well, enjoy the show,Copy !req
202. which I couldn't help but notice
you were not invited to play, by the way.Copy !req
203. You can go now.Copy !req
204. The fucking diaper? Seriously?Copy !req
205. Not gonna wipe it off? Not even a little?Copy !req
206. Yeah, no way this ends badly.Copy !req
207. Like a kid in the world's
most fucked-up candy store.Copy !req
208. Can you at least pretend to know
what "pacing yourself" means?Copy !req
209. I'm afraid not.
The transporter's inoperative,Copy !req
210. thanks to this drunk Scottish bastard.Copy !req
211. I think we got off on the wrong foot.Copy !req
212. Keep interrupting my damn stories!Copy !req
213. Man, all you got are wrong feet.Copy !req
214. How about this? Let me buy you a drink.Copy !req
215. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
216. - What?
- Ha!Copy !req
217. - You're one of those.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
218. A powerful man like you,
used to getting what you want.Copy !req
219. So you're secretly drawn
to women who crap all over you.Copy !req
220. I'm really not.Copy !req
221. Good for you, then.Copy !req
222. Now get your oddly-shaped head off my TV.Copy !req
223. That was hot.Copy !req
224. Turns out I am.Copy !req
225. Come on. How about dinner?Copy !req
226. Drink, gas station popcorn. Something.Copy !req
227. It's about more
than just sex and drugs, man.Copy !req
228. You know, this whole thing, man,
it's about being free, right?Copy !req
229. And I mean, like, with a capital "E."Copy !req
230. Hold that thought, Doug.Copy !req
231. How's the blending going?Copy !req
232. Yeah!Copy !req
233. Best day ever—Copy !req
234. Yeah, my boy Doug says hi.Copy !req
235. Anything to report?Copy !req
236. Yeah, what do you know
about the Hells Angels?Copy !req
237. I know I dated one when I was 19
because my mom's a dick.Copy !req
238. And the ones by the stage,
they're working security for free beer,Copy !req
239. sort of pro bono
but for raging alcoholics.Copy !req
240. - Not them. The fake ones.
- What?Copy !req
241. Those guys by the van
who are dressed like,Copy !req
242. but definitely are not, Hells Angels.Copy !req
243. - How do you know that?
- The jackets.Copy !req
244. They don't have chapter patches.
They're fake.Copy !req
245. - Oh my God.
- Yeah.Copy !req
246. The Grateful Dead just got here.Copy !req
247. Back in a jiff.Copy !req
248. What the hell's a jiff?Copy !req
249. I don't know. How long it takes to meet/
maybe blow Jerry Garcia. You tell me.Copy !req
250. Seriously, I got plans.Copy !req
251. Are you calling me a liar?Copy !req
252. No, no. Of course not.Copy !req
253. Though I have machines
that can tell if you're lying.Copy !req
254. Even a machine that can tell
if you're thinking about lyingCopy !req
255. but are afraid to
because it's so scary-looking.Copy !req
256. And one that lies to itself
about being a machine.Copy !req
257. - But it committed suicide.
- Howard!Copy !req
258. Can't be back here, little lady.Copy !req
259. Says who?Copy !req
260. Me.Copy !req
261. Just now.Copy !req
262. Yeah, I didn't mean it literally, dumb-ass.Copy !req
263. It's a cliché.
You know, like, don't look now, but...Copy !req
264. Whoa, whoa, hang on.
How'd you get past security?Copy !req
265. Uh, quickly. Where the hell's the band?Copy !req
266. - Not here yet.
- But I saw their helicopter land outside.Copy !req
267. Yeah, which they're currently
getting high inside of.Copy !req
268. God, I should have been in a band.Copy !req
269. Sorry, pal. Off-limits back here.Copy !req
270. You want to try that again?Copy !req
271. Holy shit. Hey...Copy !req
272. Hey! Hey, you're Elvis Presley.Copy !req
273. So they tell me.Copy !req
274. All right, lady, look, you need to leave.Copy !req
275. Relax. Jerry and I go way back.Copy !req
276. Assuming recurring sex dreams count.Copy !req
277. - What?
- Oh my God. It's so amazing.Copy !req
278. Middle of the night, he breaks into
my house, he's dressed as Santa Claus.Copy !req
279. And then he chokes me out in my shower,
but it's in a hot way.Copy !req
280. You know what? You're not his type, okay?
Come on, let's go.Copy !req
281. Oh, he's into dudes?
That's cool. I can work with that.Copy !req
282. Nope. Nope. Not gonna happen.Copy !req
283. But if you're interested in sex
with any of the other bands,Copy !req
284. - you can take a number.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
285. I mean literally,
in the groupie trailer next door.Copy !req
286. The first page is a waiver.
Read it carefully.Copy !req
287. A "Cleveland Steamer"? Seriously?Copy !req
288. Yeah.Copy !req
289. Not a fucking chance.Copy !req
290. Sorry, lady. Rules are rules.Copy !req
291. I am an independent,
empowered feminist woman,Copy !req
292. which means I have meaningless sex
in trailers on my own terms all the time.Copy !req
293. I'm not sure that's what "feminist" means.Copy !req
294. Hey. Hey, Elvis.Copy !req
295. Hey, do you know
what my favorite Elvis song is?Copy !req
296. What? You only have one?Copy !req
297. Do I only...Copy !req
298. - Buddy, you're beautiful.
- What the...Copy !req
299. Scatter, 86 that bald prick!Copy !req
300. Still a big fan, I hope.Copy !req
301. Destroy that damn thing, Scatter!Copy !req
302. Uh-huh.Copy !req
303. Okay.Copy !req
304. All right, the band's on their way.
You gotta go.Copy !req
305. - Way ahead of you, loser.
- Groupie trailer to the right.Copy !req
306. - Have a good time. Knock yourself out.
- I'd rather choke on a pile of dicks.Copy !req
307. That's actually in the waiver, by the way.Copy !req
308. - What...
- The hell?Copy !req
309. That dude was harshing the vibe here, man.Copy !req
310. And that's not cool.Copy !req
311. You know, you and your buddies
may not have a fucking clue,Copy !req
312. or own pants, apparently,
but you're all right.Copy !req
313. Anyone ever tell you
you kind of look like Elvis...Copy !req
314. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
315. Oh, we're making
a documentary about the show.Copy !req
316. No, idiot. I mean,
catching me on my bad side.Copy !req
317. Whoa, someone looks like absolute shit.Copy !req
318. Where's the old man?Copy !req
319. Huh.Copy !req
320. What are you doing?Copy !req
321. Talking on a phone
that smells like Scatter's junkCopy !req
322. and trying to do both our jobs.Copy !req
323. Now, you mind?Copy !req
324. Shit.Copy !req
325. Hey.Copy !req
326. Hey, Bobby Ray. Wake up.Copy !req
327. Wake up!Copy !req
328. Oh man, this is gonna be so cool.Copy !req
329. Ah! Ah!Copy !req
330. What the fuck? What the fuck?Copy !req
331. You want to tell me why there's a needle
the size of a fucking ninja swordCopy !req
332. sticking out of my head?Copy !req
333. Not really.Copy !req
334. You flown one of these before?Copy !req
335. No, but this thing's just
an upside-down riding lawn mower.Copy !req
336. I got this.Copy !req
337. Who are you again?Copy !req
338. I'm George. George Lucas.Copy !req
339. Okay. What are you doing?Copy !req
340. It's gone full-on insane out there,
so I'm hiding out here.Copy !req
341. Uh-huh.Copy !req
342. Well, George, from a safety standpoint,
I'm not sure you improved your lot.Copy !req
343. Yeah. Yeah. The lady may have a point.Copy !req
344. Time to mow the fucking lawn.Copy !req
345. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
346. Stay on target.Copy !req
347. Ah!Copy !req
348. Hey, E! Here you go!Copy !req
349. Huh. Look at that.Copy !req
350. Looks like some kind of laser sword.Copy !req
351. More like a lightsaber.Copy !req
352. Yeah, that works too.Copy !req
353. Damn it.Copy !req
354. Here, hold this.Copy !req
355. The missions always like this?Copy !req
356. Only the good ones.Copy !req
357. You know, well,Copy !req
358. hey, either way,
hope you have a good time tonight.Copy !req
359. Oh, I plan to.Copy !req
360. Okay, yeah. Well, but somehow
I doubt your dinner date will haveCopy !req
361. the commanding and compelling
presence of, you know, yours truly.Copy !req
362. Wanna bet?Copy !req
363. Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.Copy !req
364. Captain Kirk? For real?Copy !req
365. Hey, Elvis. How you doing?Copy !req
366. Not now, Kirk.Copy !req
367. - What?
- Well, you're in a mood.Copy !req
368. - Fucking Kirk.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
369. - How'd it go?
- Elvis tracked down that sonic weapon,Copy !req
370. which makes people go fucking insane,
by the way.Copy !req
371. Where's the device?Copy !req
372. Bottom of the ocean.Copy !req
373. Well, this day just keeps
turning to shit, doesn't it?Copy !req
374. Doyle! Come get a beating.Copy !req
375. My pleasure, sir.Copy !req