1. Look, Howard.
I didn't ask you what I should name it.Copy !req
2. Still loving "Rhinostradamus."Copy !req
3. I just need to know what it eats,
what to feed it.Copy !req
4. Oh, that's easy.Copy !req
5. Squirrels and small children, mostly.Copy !req
6. Hey, what the...Copy !req
7. Uh, you know what happened to the last guy
who did that when I was on the phone?Copy !req
8. - No.
- Exactly. And nobody ever will.Copy !req
9. Industrial wood chippers
are handy that way.Copy !req
10. You and I need to talk.Copy !req
11. As in, you can go now.Copy !req
12. Is this about you taking acid
and destroying your own home? Classic!Copy !req
13. Quick question: did you really drive
a little sports car through your gate?Copy !req
14. Little sports car?Copy !req
15. It's called a De Tomaso Pantera.Copy !req
16. Which I believe is Italian
for "early midlife crisis."Copy !req
17. You should come over sometime
and check it out.Copy !req
18. Of course, you'll have to make your way
through the thousands of fansCopy !req
19. who camp out
in front of Graceland every day.Copy !req
20. You know, I almost named my house once,
and then I remembered,Copy !req
21. I'm not a fucking child.Copy !req
22. Ooh, burn!Copy !req
23. Well, that was fun. You can go now.Copy !req
24. I got your boy Leary back for you.Copy !req
25. Great.
You want a thank-you hug or something?Copy !req
26. Hey, Doyle! Come hug Elvis!Copy !req
27. What? Really?Copy !req
28. Shut the fuck up, Doyle.Copy !req
29. Leary mentioned something
that got me thinking.Copy !req
30. Oh, that right?Copy !req
31. Project Tupelo.Copy !req
32. "Dirty sandwich,"Copy !req
33. in case we're playing a new game
where we just say random words out loud.Copy !req
34. Project Tupelo.Copy !req
35. - You ever heard of it?
- Can't say I have.Copy !req
36. Which doesn't mean you haven't.Copy !req
37. Yeah, it's an idiom. Here's another one:
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.Copy !req
38. Look here.Copy !req
39. I think there's a ton of shit
that you're not telling me.Copy !req
40. Know that.Copy !req
41. - Hang back for a sec.
- What's up?Copy !req
42. You're good
at quietly stalking people, right?Copy !req
43. Allegedly stalking, to quote my lawyer.Copy !req
44. Keep an eye on Elvis for me.
Let me know if he gets up to anything.Copy !req
45. Will do.Copy !req
46. Yeah, not a chance, little guy.Copy !req
47. I'm so gonna die alone.Copy !req
48. You're seriously
just now figuring that out?Copy !req
49. Nice setup, Howard.Copy !req
50. Fuck nice.Copy !req
51. This little baby is state-of-the-art.Copy !req
52. An entire database
that fits inside a single room.Copy !req
53. Say, mind if I give it a whirl?Copy !req
54. Sorry.Copy !req
55. Walt and I are kind of busy.Copy !req
56. - Walt?
- Whoa! Where are my manners?Copy !req
57. Say hello to Walt Disney.Copy !req
58. - Well, a piece of him, anyway.
- What the hell?Copy !req
59. He's my best friend/
business partner/murder victim.Copy !req
60. Walt Disney wasn't murdered.Copy !req
61. Says you.Copy !req
62. But did you know Walt's dying words
were the name "Kurt Russell"?Copy !req
63. - You don't find that a little suspicious?
- Look here, if I say yes,Copy !req
64. can I borrow that computer a sec?Copy !req
65. I don't think
I'm supposed to let you do that.Copy !req
66. Well, Walt here says it's okay.Copy !req
67. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can hear him?Copy !req
68. Why not?Copy !req
69. Now that actually makes
a ton of sense to me.Copy !req
70. Go right ahead.Copy !req
71. What else did Walt say? Did he tell you
about the robot assassins I made for himCopy !req
72. modeled after US presidents?Copy !req
73. Turns out he wanted
something more vanilla.Copy !req
74. What the hell is Sub-Level 7?Copy !req
75. Not what, where? Now...Copy !req
76. It's an ultra-classified area.Copy !req
77. - But shut the fuck up about it.
- Where is it?Copy !req
78. Oh!Copy !req
79. No idea! Only the Commander knows.Copy !req
80. Wait, wait, wait!
Did Walt say anything about his murder?Copy !req
81. Just...Copy !req
82. that he wasn't murdered at all.Copy !req
83. Classic Walt! The king of misdirection.Copy !req
84. Guess it's up to me, then, right, Kurt?Copy !req
85. And the Scatter Cam is up.Copy !req
86. We got the front view, side view, and...Copy !req
87. That's supposed to be a rear view.Copy !req
88. Well, then, unfortunately, it is working.Copy !req
89. Scatter, you read?Copy !req
90. This is kids' stuff,
simple trail and tail, buddy.Copy !req
91. Oh, come on.Copy !req
92. Ah, come on!Copy !req
93. Oh, come on.Copy !req
94. Huh. I always imagined
his days would be busier.Copy !req
95. Oh come on. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
96. Come on. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
97. Got him.Copy !req
98. Bertie, how's my number-one person
in the world doing today?Copy !req
99. Buttering you up?
Come on now, that's nonsense.Copy !req
100. But yeah, I need a pretty big favor.Copy !req
101. Oh, is that a glory hole?Copy !req
102. Guess they're not just
for fun airport bathrooms anymore.Copy !req
103. - What are you doing here?
- Take it easy.Copy !req
104. Are you fucking stalking me?Copy !req
105. Hey, it's not stalking
if I don't think you're hot.Copy !req
106. To quote my lawyer.Copy !req
107. Who I do not think is very good.Copy !req
108. You still haven't answered my question.Copy !req
109. Look, it wasn't my idea.
The Commander asked me to.Copy !req
110. This right here. This right here.Copy !req
111. This is why I am done trusting you people.Copy !req
112. Are you also doneCopy !req
113. being overly dramatic?Copy !req
114. I'm not going to rat you out, okay?
Now, what do you say we hit Sub-Level 7?Copy !req
115. This has nothing to do with you.Copy !req
116. Oh, come on. I've been dying
to see Sub-Level 7 for years.Copy !req
117. Not to mention,
I can maybe find out down thereCopy !req
118. - if the Commander is secretly my dad.
- What?Copy !req
119. Well, I never met my real dad growing up,Copy !req
120. and the Commander got super weird
when I tried to seduce him.Copy !req
121. You do the math.Copy !req
122. Just don't get in my way.Copy !req
123. Oh, uh,Copy !req
124. based on personal experience,Copy !req
125. it's a very bad idea to look
directly into a glory hole like that.Copy !req
126. Jesus,
there are vein lines in there.Copy !req
127. Ooh, custom-fit hole, huh?Copy !req
128. Okay, well, yours still might work.
Give it a shot.Copy !req
129. Maybe it's all out of acid now?Copy !req
130. More like we're totally screwed now.Copy !req
131. So you're gonna give up? Just like that?Copy !req
132. Wow, you would make a terrible stalker.Copy !req
133. Unless there's an exact copy of the guy's
schlong lying around somewhere—Copy !req
134. - Actually...
- What?Copy !req
135. The Commander was once
in a three-way with Marlon Brando.Copy !req
136. What exactly made you think
I wanted to know that?Copy !req
137. Ever heard of Penelope Penis Caster?Copy !req
138. So let me get this straight.
This woman just runs aroundCopy !req
139. making plaster casts
of famous people's private parts?Copy !req
140. Among other things.Copy !req
141. She's sort of
a Cynthia Plaster Caster wannabe.Copy !req
142. Hang on. You mean
there's more than one of these people?Copy !req
143. If by "people" you mean artists, then yes.Copy !req
144. - Not sure this counts as art.
- This is a real skill.Copy !req
145. It takes years to master, okay?Copy !req
146. You can't just pull perfectly-sculpted
cocks out of thin air, you know,Copy !req
147. like some... some birthday party magician.Copy !req
148. What kind of fucked-up
birthday parties have you been going to?Copy !req
149. Elvis Presley, as I live and breathe.Copy !req
150. What brings you to my studio?Copy !req
151. Well, I just figured it was timeCopy !req
152. to wrap my erect penis in plaster
in front of a total stranger.Copy !req
153. Well, then, you've definitely
come to the right place.Copy !req
154. So, how's the papier-mâché dick business?Copy !req
155. Belittling description aside,
it's going well. Thanks for asking.Copy !req
156. I've waited a long time for this.Copy !req
157. Well, you're gonna have to wait
just a bit longer, sweetie,Copy !req
158. because my buddy here, he's going first.Copy !req
159. What?Copy !req
160. You know those folks who taste
your food to make sure it's not poisoned?Copy !req
161. It's basically that, but for erections.Copy !req
162. Don't worry, I got this.Copy !req
163. I can tell what any man's penis looks like
just by looking at him.Copy !req
164. It's a thing, trust me.Copy !req
165. There it is.Copy !req
166. That is definitely the one.Copy !req
167. Huh?Copy !req
168. Oh yeah, well, also could be that one.Copy !req
169. Ow! Damn it!Copy !req
170. - Just relax.
- How's it going in there?Copy !req
171. A little hot at first, but...Copy !req
172. Ooh!Copy !req
173. But then it's like a warm marshmallowCopy !req
174. trying to swallow you whole
from the groin up.Copy !req
175. Well, you're painting
quite a picture there, buddy,Copy !req
176. but we gotta go.Copy !req
177. Wait, what if the Commander's down there?Copy !req
178. Bertie's got it covered.Copy !req
179. Gotta be honest, I was a little
surprised you invited me over.Copy !req
180. You and me both.Copy !req
181. - I'm sorry, what?
- Nothing.Copy !req
182. I mean,
given how our last date ended.Copy !req
183. Oh, you mean the date where you murdered
a bunch of animal rights activists?Copy !req
184. Yeah, that's the one.Copy !req
185. Know what?
Let's not dwell on the ugly past.Copy !req
186. That's my motto. Word for word.Copy !req
187. Mind if I slip into something
a little more comfortable?Copy !req
188. Mm.Copy !req
189. By all means.Copy !req
190. Jesus!Copy !req
191. Christ almighty!
What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
192. Apparently, misreading the room. Fuck.Copy !req
193. Wow.Copy !req
194. What is this place?Copy !req
195. Yeah, and how come he gets all this,
and I can't even get assigned parking?Copy !req
196. - Is that—
- A Beechcraft Bonanza.Copy !req
197. Just like the one that killed Buddy Holly.Copy !req
198. Uh, more than "just like."Copy !req
199. "Project Cricket"?Copy !req
200. Is thatCopy !req
201. the James Dean car?Copy !req
202. - There's the Caddy Hank Williams died in.
- Must have all been TCB agents.Copy !req
203. More like agents
that TCB got killed, apparently.Copy !req
204. Okay, what the hell's with the bathtub?Copy !req
205. Holy shit! Is that the one
Jim Morrison died in?Copy !req
206. Looks like it.Copy !req
207. - Goddamn it!
- What?Copy !req
208. I could've been hanging out
with Jim Morrison this whole fucking time?Copy !req
209. No offense taken,
in case you're wondering.Copy !req
210. Is it just me,
or is it creepy as shit down here?Copy !req
211. Yeah.Copy !req
212. Speaking of,
you know who'd love this place?Copy !req
213. Comfy?Copy !req
214. What the hell is this?Copy !req
215. Are you fucking insane?Copy !req
216. Don't play stupid, Kurt Russell.
You're not that good of an actor.Copy !req
217. So you are insane, then.Copy !req
218. We both know you killed Walt Disney.Copy !req
219. Now you just need to admit it!Copy !req
220. Well, I can't.Copy !req
221. But only because
I didn't invent lung cancer.Copy !req
222. Oh no, no, no, no!Copy !req
223. What's this?Copy !req
224. Kinda looks like the Hall of Presidents
at the World's Fair.Copy !req
225. Want some popcorn?
There's a machine in the corner.Copy !req
226. No. And stop touching things, would you?Copy !req
227. We don't know what's booby-trapped.Copy !req
228. Who booby-traps popcorn?
Hey, what do you think this button does?Copy !req
229. Hey, focus. We're looking for answers.Copy !req
230. Care to be more specific?Copy !req
231. Project Tupelo. You ever heard of it?Copy !req
232. Uh, nope.Copy !req
233. But if I were you, then I'd check out
that creepy-ass tarp over there.Copy !req
234. - You sure you want to do that?
- What?Copy !req
235. I'm just saying,
sometimes ignorance is bliss.Copy !req
236. Like when you give herpes to an entire
lacrosse team without even knowing it.Copy !req
237. Hypothetically.Copy !req
238. You know what you need?Copy !req
239. A splash of vermouth would be nice.Copy !req
240. What you need is more Jesus in your life.Copy !req
241. Ooh.Copy !req
242. Afraid I'm gonna
have to pass on the Jesus, yeah.Copy !req
243. I'm more of an autotheistic nihilist.Copy !req
244. An auto-what now?Copy !req
245. It means if there's a God,
it's probably me,Copy !req
246. and I still don't give a shit.Copy !req
247. See? That right there is exactly why
you need to open your heart to the Lord.Copy !req
248. Uh, why?Copy !req
249. Because then
maybe you wouldn't strip nakedCopy !req
250. in the middle of the damn living roomCopy !req
251. like some half-assed
home invasion porno star.Copy !req
252. Where does it say in the Bible
that Jesus never did that?Copy !req
253. That's my first guitar.Copy !req
254. And there's my old Army uniform.Copy !req
255. And that's me backstage at my first
concert at the Overton Park Shell.Copy !req
256. This is my whole life.Copy !req
257. What's this doing here?Copy !req
258. Yeah, real head-scratcher.Copy !req
259. I'm going for a refill.Copy !req
260. Again!Copy !req
261. Again!Copy !req
262. Are you okay?Copy !req
263. What?Copy !req
264. You were mumbling,
like in a trance or something.Copy !req
265. Holy shit, I remember.Copy !req
266. I mean, not everything, but—Copy !req
267. Well, I bet this file
might fill in the gaps.Copy !req
268. You fucked with the Commander's shit.Copy !req
269. Countermeasures deployed.Copy !req
270. Yeah, how about
we don't find out what those are?Copy !req
271. Fucking Howard.Copy !req
272. Oh hey, listen to me, listen to me.
I didn't fucking kill Walt Disney, okay?Copy !req
273. I barely knew the guy.Copy !req
274. He was on set
for one day of Follow Me, Boys,Copy !req
275. and he was super nice.Copy !req
276. I mean, he gave all the kids cigarettes.Copy !req
277. Ah, you know what, Kurt?Copy !req
278. It kind of feels like
we're just going in circles here.Copy !req
279. Well, the important thing is we tried.Copy !req
280. Ahem, can I go now?Copy !req
281. Or...Copy !req
282. maybe instead, we should focus on how
you can pay Walt back for your treachery.Copy !req
283. Perhaps, and I'm just spitballing here,Copy !req
284. with your entire body.Copy !req
285. Actually, minus the head.Copy !req
286. The hell are you talking about?Copy !req
287. A head transplant, you moron.Copy !req
288. A head transplant?Copy !req
289. What the fuck?Copy !req
290. Just picture it!Copy !req
291. Walt's beautiful head
on your just-okay body.Copy !req
292. Jesus!Copy !req
293. What's that?Copy !req
294. Ugh.Copy !req
295. Shit. I gotta get back to the office.Copy !req
296. Oh, come on.
Can't you just stay a little bit longer?Copy !req
297. Really wish I could. Can't.Copy !req
298. Seriously, you can't go.Copy !req
299. Okay, wait,
what the hell is going on here?Copy !req
300. What? Nothing, I swear.Copy !req
301. I'm leaving.Copy !req
302. I'm sorry, but I can't let you do that.Copy !req
303. Fuck me.Copy !req
304. Oh shit.Copy !req
305. You thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
306. Doubt it. I'm still
kind of stuck on the popcorn.Copy !req
307. Shit! What now?Copy !req
308. What are the chances
that thing's still got gas?Copy !req
309. How are we doing?Copy !req
310. Great! I'm having a wonderful time!Copy !req
311. Ah, ah. Not falling for that again.Copy !req
312. Oh good.
So they're invincible and annoying.Copy !req
313. No, wait!Copy !req
314. We gotta go back!Copy !req
315. Nah, what we gotta do
is find a way out of here.Copy !req
316. I need that file!Copy !req
317. Do you need it more than being alive?Copy !req
318. Close one, huh?Copy !req
319. So, where are we going?Copy !req
320. Maybe go grab a drink, shake it off?Copy !req
321. Okay, this is not a reassuring silence.Copy !req
322. Say, have either of you seen a young man
with a dotted line across his neck?Copy !req
323. I'm going home.Copy !req
324. And don't fucking follow me.Copy !req
325. Fine.Copy !req
326. Nice tone, by the way.Copy !req
327. Met your fun little robot friends.Copy !req
328. George!Copy !req
329. Yep, looks dead to me.Copy !req
330. It wasn't my fault. I swear.Copy !req
331. I was just trying to keep him here
like Elvis told me to.Copy !req
332. Then look on the bright side:
mission accomplished.Copy !req
333. Will you shut the hell up?Copy !req
334. Just relax. It'll be fine.Copy !req
335. How?Copy !req
336. Because this, my friend,
is why God invented unmarked graves.Copy !req
337. - A chain saw?
- Well yeah!Copy !req
338. If you chop them up,
the body fits in a way smaller hole.Copy !req
339. We used to do it on the farm
all the time...Copy !req
340. with cows, mostly.Copy !req
341. Ah!Copy !req
342. Fuck! What the hell are you people doing?Copy !req
343. Sit down.Copy !req
344. You sit down!
Your friends are about to fuck—Copy !req
345. Oh!Copy !req
346. Did you seriously
just give me a warning shot?Copy !req
347. Nope.Copy !req
348. Ah! Fuck!Copy !req
349. That was a warning shot.Copy !req
350. Now sit.Copy !req
351. What the fuck do you want?Copy !req
352. I saw my little tribute wall
down on Sub-Level 7.Copy !req
353. Sub-Level 7? What's that?Copy !req
354. Goddamn it!Copy !req
355. Oh hell, yeah.
Now this is how you get shit done, King.Copy !req
356. Good for you.Copy !req
357. Project Tupelo.Copy !req
358. I told you before, never heard of it.Copy !req
359. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, you mean that Project Tupelo.Copy !req
360. Start talking.Copy !req
361. Okay.Copy !req
362. You know, I've been
a fan of yours for a long time.Copy !req
363. Mm-hmm. Get that a lot.Copy !req
364. Not of your music, sorry.Copy !req
365. But of your power.Copy !req
366. The way you controlled the audience.
Your legions of fans. It was hypnotic.Copy !req
367. Yeah, if you're done blowing me,
how about you get to the point?Copy !req
368. You were the cultural phenomenon.Copy !req
369. You started a revolution,
sonny boy, and that scared people.Copy !req
370. You had Hoover
and the FBI shitting themselves.Copy !req
371. - What?
- Oh yeah.Copy !req
372. But what they saw as a threat,
I saw as an opportunity.Copy !req
373. - For what?
- Oh, you're going to love this.Copy !req
374. Somehow I doubt that.Copy !req
375. The chance to weaponize rock and roll.Copy !req
376. - Sorry?
- Imagine it,Copy !req
377. a device that could duplicate the power,
the control you had over people.Copy !req
378. But to do that, first we needed you.Copy !req
379. So I had you drafted into the Army.Copy !req
380. That was you?Copy !req
381. Exactly how long
have you been fucking with my life?Copy !req
382. We had to study you,Copy !req
383. to see what makes you tick,
and that's where Leary comes in.Copy !req
384. - Oh shit.
- Oh yeah.Copy !req
385. He pumped you full
of all kinds of psychedelic crapCopy !req
386. that frankly,
I don't even wanna understand.Copy !req
387. How come I don't remember any of this?Copy !req
388. Well, probably
the exploratory brain surgery.Copy !req
389. That, or the mind-erasing chemicals
Leary injected into your eyeball.Copy !req
390. It's hard to say which.Copy !req
391. The fuck? What, you went inside my head?Copy !req
392. Hey, we had to.Copy !req
393. That's science. I don't make the rules.Copy !req
394. But the good news is
we eventually had a prototype ready,Copy !req
395. and we put my idea to the test,Copy !req
396. harnessing your essence,
your very DNA, in an actual device.Copy !req
397. I mean, if Elvis can send
an audience into a sex-crazed delirium,Copy !req
398. what else could it do?Copy !req
399. Could it make you punch?
Could it make you kick?Copy !req
400. Could it make you kill?Copy !req
401. And it worked.Copy !req
402. - But—
- But what?Copy !req
403. But we couldn't control it.Copy !req
404. It turns you into an animal,
a homicidal maniac,Copy !req
405. and not in a good way.Copy !req
406. You son of a bitch.Copy !req
407. Yeah, so we had
to shut the whole thing down.Copy !req
408. But hey, you're better now though, right?Copy !req
409. So what do you say? Bygones?Copy !req
410. You know, I was glad
I destroyed your fucked-up Sub-Level 7,Copy !req
411. but now you know
what makes me even more happy?Copy !req
412. The fact that I shot you twice.Copy !req
413. Please.Copy !req
414. The real stuff's on Sub-Level 8.Copy !req
415. Sub-Level 7 was just a decoy in case
someone ever stole a copy of my penis.Copy !req
416. Look,Copy !req
417. I performed
horrifying experiments on your brain,Copy !req
418. you shot me a couple of times.Copy !req
419. Point is, things happened.Copy !req
420. It doesn't matter anymore,Copy !req
421. because you're in TCB now.Copy !req
422. I've been watching you for years,Copy !req
423. and when your '68 comeback special
put you on top of the world,Copy !req
424. I knew it was time.Copy !req
425. Time for Elvis Presley
to become Agent King,Copy !req
426. my greatest triumph!Copy !req
427. You really want to throw all that away?Copy !req
428. Okay, I really thought I sold that better.Copy !req
429. Elvis, look at me.Copy !req
430. That won't solve anything.Copy !req
431. This probably will though.Copy !req
432. Wow! Wow. Solid entrance.Copy !req
433. Picking sides, are you?Copy !req
434. Look, I know he can be
a complete and total dick sometimes...Copy !req
435. Standing right here.Copy !req
436. but you can't kill him.Copy !req
437. TCB is the only family I've got.Copy !req
438. Sad but true.
I mean, you've met her mother, right?Copy !req
439. Look, asshole, I put up
with all your secret agent bullshitCopy !req
440. because I thought I could do some good.Copy !req
441. Maybe make a difference.
Maybe make tomorrow a little bit better.Copy !req
442. Yay. Nice speech. You feeling better now?Copy !req
443. You used me.Copy !req
444. You used me to create
some kind of rock-and-roll terror weapon.Copy !req
445. So no, I'm not exactly feeling better.Copy !req
446. But this might help.Copy !req
447. I quit.Copy !req
448. Now get the fuck out of my house.Copy !req