1. Every once in a while,
man accomplishes the impossible.Copy !req
2. Visual confirm. Landing gear deployed.Copy !req
3. Copy that, Columbia.
The Eagle has wings.Copy !req
4. All it takes
is someone with a dream.Copy !req
5. Godspeed, Eagle.Copy !req
6. Because when a man dreams...Copy !req
7. you know what happens.Copy !req
8. He can change the world.Copy !req
9. All right, cut.Copy !req
10. Okay, listen. I don't want
to obstruct your process here,Copy !req
11. but I'm looking at the script,
and I'm pretty sure... Yep.Copy !req
12. There are zero of those words in it.Copy !req
13. True, but only because
the words in the script are dog shit.Copy !req
14. All right. Now, look.
Look. Just forget the words.Copy !req
15. Ride the truth, buddy.Copy !req
16. You're Dr. John Carpenter,
idealistic ghetto physician.Copy !req
17. You help everybody: the poor, the sick,
the hungry. You know, blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
18. You're Jesus, mate. You're the journey.Copy !req
19. Your journey is the journey of America.Copy !req
20. And at some point,
you make out with a nun.Copy !req
21. Oh, and how good is that?Copy !req
22. Yeah. Well, listen up here, rookie.Copy !req
23. America doesn't make out with nuns.Copy !req
24. Oh yeah?
Well, that's America's loss, isn't it?Copy !req
25. All right, listen up.
We're gonna go again. And action!Copy !req
26. What the fuck?Copy !req
27. Oh come on, people.
What's more important?Copy !req
28. Some human buzz cuts
riding a glorified firework to a rock,Copy !req
29. or the living art
that we're here making on Earth?Copy !req
30. All right, fuck me, let's take five.Copy !req
31. Direct from our newsroom in New York,Copy !req
32. this is the CBS Evening News
with Walter Cronkite.Copy !req
33. The lunar module will descend
to the surface in the next few hours.Copy !req
34. The heroism of these men
cannot be overstated.Copy !req
35. Oh, will you look at that.Copy !req
36. Hmm. Say, you ever get the feeling
we could be doing something more?Copy !req
37. - More?
- Yeah.Copy !req
38. You know, something,
I don't know... bigger.Copy !req
39. Nothing bigger than being Elvis.Copy !req
40. I mean, look here.
Right in front of us, right now,Copy !req
41. human beings are about to land
on the goddamn moon.Copy !req
42. Ha! And what am I doing?Copy !req
43. Well, the next scene, you teach a child
about tolerance through the power of song,Copy !req
44. which apparently makes a nun horny.Copy !req
45. Yet somehow, not enough.Copy !req
46. You feeling okay, boss?Copy !req
47. Be better if I was on that space capsule.Copy !req
48. Oh, bullshit? This is not bullshit.Copy !req
49. This is a giant moment in history.Copy !req
50. You know it. Right up there
with your comeback TV special.Copy !req
51. Arguably.Copy !req
52. Hey. You promised me you'd quit that shit.Copy !req
53. Technically speaking, boss, he said
he'd quit coke every day except Tuesdays.Copy !req
54. Ooh, cocaine Tuesdays? Love it.Copy !req
55. It's like taco Tuesdays,
but for awesome people.Copy !req
56. Oh, goddamn it. What are you doing here?Copy !req
57. Uh, eating, obviously.Copy !req
58. Oh my God.Copy !req
59. Oh, I would kill an actual human baby
for, like, ten of these.Copy !req
60. What? No, not one I know. Jesus.Copy !req
61. So, what, is this what you do?Copy !req
62. You just keep showing up
whenever you feel like it?Copy !req
63. Same way I got into Yale. True story.Copy !req
64. But look, I want—Copy !req
65. Stop. I don't even
want to know why you're here.Copy !req
66. What? I'm just a huge fan.Copy !req
67. Well, of your movies. They're hilarious.Copy !req
68. I mean, not the comedies, obviously.Copy !req
69. - There's a compliment in there somewhere.
- Enough. You need to go. Now.Copy !req
70. Fine. Rude.Copy !req
71. Uh-oh, missed a spot there. I gotcha.Copy !req
72. Get rid of this.Copy !req
73. Where the fuck
are you getting all this coke?Copy !req
74. Flyboy?Copy !req
75. Oh, he's this fella selling maps
to movie star houses in the parking lot.Copy !req
76. Oh, and a shit-ton of cocaine.
Probably should've led with that.Copy !req
77. - How about you introduce me?
- Now?Copy !req
78. What about the next scene?Copy !req
79. Okay, people.
Nuns, put on your roller skates.Copy !req
80. It can wait.Copy !req
81. Hold up.Copy !req
82. Set's that way, but you're heading
this way. Seems like a disconnect.Copy !req
83. Oh, just gonna step out for a bit.Copy !req
84. Uh-huh? Then what's with
the vigilante face?Copy !req
85. What vigilante face?Copy !req
86. The one that comes right before some
godforsaken karate, gunfight, bloodbath.Copy !req
87. Oh, you mean that vigilante face.Copy !req
88. Come on. We're here to make a movie.Copy !req
89. The director's setting up the next shot.Copy !req
90. Oh, now, just relax, Miss Bertie.
Heck, it's just an over-the-shoulder shot.Copy !req
91. Bobby Ray can stand in for me.Copy !req
92. Am I the only one
who remembers how badly this can go?Copy !req
93. Ha-ha! Hang on. Are we already filming?Copy !req
94. Wait, is that my beer back there?Copy !req
95. Hmm, and we're still paying
for that poor boy.Copy !req
96. Oh, relax. No kids in this movie.
He'll do great.Copy !req
97. Puerto Rican street urchins,
over here, por favor. Chop-chop!Copy !req
98. Um, I'm not actually Puerto Rican.Copy !req
99. Yeah, well, none of you are.Copy !req
100. That's why God invented
the magic of makeup, mate.Copy !req
101. Do you even read these scripts?Copy !req
102. I actually try not to.Copy !req
103. Holy shit. Fucking Elvis.Copy !req
104. Oh man. Oh wow.Copy !req
105. What are you, a doctor now?Copy !req
106. Uh, let me guess. You're Flyboy?Copy !req
107. Uh...Copy !req
108. Does that answer your question?Copy !req
109. - Not remotely.
- All right.Copy !req
110. So, uh, you want a star map or what?Copy !req
111. Five buck extra gets you
Paul Newman's gate code.Copy !req
112. Tell you what, Flyboy.Copy !req
113. I'm a lot more interested
in that other shit you're selling.Copy !req
114. - Know what I mean?
- Ah.Copy !req
115. Right, right, right. Yeah.Copy !req
116. Check it out.Copy !req
117. So, tell me, Flyboy,Copy !req
118. if you're a drug dealer,
how come you're dressed like a pimp?Copy !req
119. Okay. Yeah, well,
I mean, there is some overlap.Copy !req
120. But come on,
you want some of this coke or not?Copy !req
121. More like all of it.Copy !req
122. All of it? Oh.Copy !req
123. Oh!Copy !req
124. Well, guess who's
an official fucking Elvis fan!Copy !req
125. Right on, man!Copy !req
126. All right. All right.Copy !req
127. Now, um, I don't normally
deal in bulk, but I—Copy !req
128. - Shut up.
- Uh, done.Copy !req
129. Now, ordinarily, I'd just kick your ass
for being a piece-of-shit drug dealerCopy !req
130. who happens to be dressed like a pimp,
and I'd be on my way,Copy !req
131. but I'm having kind of
a weird fucking morning.Copy !req
132. I mean, honestly, same here.Copy !req
133. - And I'm after bigger fish than you today.
- Right.Copy !req
134. Long story, but I'm kinda pissed off
that I am not in space right now.Copy !req
135. Yeah, that tracks. That makes sense to me.Copy !req
136. But I can't exactly walk around
without being noticed.Copy !req
137. So, I'll need to borrow a few things.Copy !req
138. Wow, that actually looks way better
on you than it did on me, honestly.Copy !req
139. Yeah, like nobody saw that coming.Copy !req
140. Mission Control awaits word. The lunar—Copy !req
141. What are you doing, Agent Ryder?Copy !req
142. Um, nothing.Copy !req
143. Oh good, good.Copy !req
144. Then you have plenty of time to tell me
why Elvis isn't on his Elvis movie set,Copy !req
145. which, as you know,
is extremely important to me.Copy !req
146. Oh, fist me sideways!
Where the hell'd he go?Copy !req
147. So where are we headed?Copy !req
148. Come on, man.
You know I can't tell you that.Copy !req
149. Because snitches end up
getting fucking stitches.Copy !req
150. Yeah, I heard somebody say that once.Copy !req
151. But you know what's worse than stitches?Copy !req
152. Turns out I do.Copy !req
153. Okay. E, but baby,
whatever you do, don't hurt the coat.Copy !req
154. I actually get that.Copy !req
155. Paging Dr. John Carpenter.Copy !req
156. Damn it!Copy !req
157. Uh, shouldn't you be making a movie now?Copy !req
158. All right, look,
just cut the shit, will you?Copy !req
159. - What are you really up to?
- Oh my God, paranoid. Nothing.Copy !req
160. - Where's the trust?
- Irradiated.Copy !req
161. In a nuclear fireball back in Vegas.Copy !req
162. Okay, so, what's this?Copy !req
163. Sneaking out
on another little vigilante kick?Copy !req
164. Just a man standing against the tide.Copy !req
165. Yeah, which totally works.
That's why you don't see tides anymore.Copy !req
166. It's called making a difference.Copy !req
167. No, it's not.
It's called a complete waste of time.Copy !req
168. I know what this is really about,
so let me bottom-line it for you.Copy !req
169. No matter how many tiny little
drug dealers you take down,Copy !req
170. it won't get you to the moon today.Copy !req
171. - You got mustard on your face.
- Yes, I know.Copy !req
172. You good with that?
Walking around with mustard on your face?Copy !req
173. Oh shit! Dr. Carpenter carries a gun?Copy !req
174. Ooh! Plot twist.Copy !req
175. Whoa, whoa, wait. What's the line again?Copy !req
176. Your line is, "Yes." Fucking dipshit.Copy !req
177. Night vision.Copy !req
178. Oh shit. Goddamn it.Copy !req
179. Hmm. Okay. As much as I did love
the on-fire glasses,Copy !req
180. these fuckers see through walls.Copy !req
181. - Are you serious?
- Dead serious.Copy !req
182. And if you reverse the polarity,
they'll scorch a human eyeball.Copy !req
183. I'm talking full-on badass here.Copy !req
184. - Bullshit.
- Just ask my roommate.Copy !req
185. But don't look her
in the eyes when you do,Copy !req
186. because they look super weird now.Copy !req
187. Ooh!Copy !req
188. Yes, please.Copy !req
189. Uh, oh my. Okay, I am so moving here.Copy !req
190. Okay, as soon as those guys move out.Copy !req
191. Yeah, cool, but how much for the goggles?Copy !req
192. Oh, you can't afford them.
Beatles money, maybe, but not you.Copy !req
193. Any chance
your "magic goggles" can tell meCopy !req
194. what's waiting
on the other side of that door?Copy !req
195. Where's the fun in that, dumb-ass?Copy !req
196. Just hurry this up.Copy !req
197. Dr. Carpenter has to cure
an orphan's tuberculosisCopy !req
198. by making him believe in himself.Copy !req
199. Oh God, that script's a piece of shit.Copy !req
200. Copy that, Houston.Copy !req
201. And now, all we can do is wait.Copy !req
202. As the lunar module begins to descend...Copy !req
203. Hey, Flyboy. Back to re-up already?Copy !req
204. Hey, that was—Copy !req
205. Jesus.Copy !req
206. It's quite an operation you got here.
Why don't you tell me who's in charge?Copy !req
207. Fuck you!Copy !req
208. Try again.Copy !req
209. I was trying to whistle,
but you knocked out my tooth.Copy !req
210. Guys! Get in here!Copy !req
211. Shit!Copy !req
212. You know this shit's not gonna
make you feel any better, right?Copy !req
213. Agree to disagree.Copy !req
214. Okay, tough love time.
No matter what you do,Copy !req
215. it's not gonna turn you
into a fucking astronaut.Copy !req
216. I will literally pay you to stop talking.Copy !req
217. Whoa, you sound
just like my mother when I was little.Copy !req
218. Sounds like a super lady.Copy !req
219. She paid me in cigarettes, by the way.
So, yeah, real gem.Copy !req
220. Open wide, asshole.Copy !req
221. About to lose a lot more than that tooth.Copy !req
222. Talk. That was way more
than just local dealer coke up there.Copy !req
223. That shipment. There's a...Copy !req
224. Goddamn it, Scatter!Copy !req
225. Oh man!
This looks so cool through these.Copy !req
226. Hey, it's snowing!Copy !req
227. It's snowing!Copy !req
228. - It's snowing!
- Yay!Copy !req
229. Yay!Copy !req
230. Damn it, Scatter. Get back here.Copy !req
231. - Fucking Tuesdays.
- Well, look at it this way.Copy !req
232. You know, at least you introduced
a bunch of kids to the dangers of drugsCopy !req
233. by actually giving them a ton of drugs.Copy !req
234. Hey! You're ditching me?Copy !req
235. Yes!Copy !req
236. - What?
- "Yes."Copy !req
237. "Yes" to what?
Me saying the line, or that's the line?Copy !req
238. Just say it, mate. "Yes."Copy !req
239. Okay. I mean, yes! Damn it!Copy !req
240. Cut!Copy !req
241. Where's Elvis?Copy !req
242. Just, uh, stepped out
to buy some cigarettes.Copy !req
243. He doesn't smoke.Copy !req
244. Did I say cigarettes? I meant Cadillacs.Copy !req
245. You realize how incredibly bad you are
at lying to me, right?Copy !req
246. Sadly, I do.Copy !req
247. What the fuck?Copy !req
248. Oh damn, E.
What the hell happened to my coat?Copy !req
249. Different things.Copy !req
250. Shit, man. You know
how much that fucking coat costs?Copy !req
251. Yeah, you're gonna tell me
about expensive clothes.Copy !req
252. Look here, rookie,
what you need to talk about insteadCopy !req
253. is the cocaine shipment.Copy !req
254. The same cocaine shipment
somebody else was telling me aboutCopy !req
255. before somebody else exploded.Copy !req
256. Somebody fucking exploded?
What the... And what shipment?Copy !req
257. They don't tell me shit, man. Okay?Copy !req
258. I swear.Copy !req
259. You see that? That means
Scatter doesn't like your answer.Copy !req
260. Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Just go find Big Rod. He'll know.Copy !req
261. He's always down by Pier 4.
I swear, this time for real.Copy !req
262. I'm gonna have a bruise on my dick.Copy !req
263. Good. And listen, Flyboy.
Sorry about the coat.Copy !req
264. What the hell are you wearing?Copy !req
265. Ooh, long story.Copy !req
266. Looks like you stole some pimp's clothes.Copy !req
267. So it's not just me.Copy !req
268. - And what are you doing?
- Just dropped by to grab a few things.Copy !req
269. You mean a bunch of guns and bullets.Copy !req
270. Uh-huh, see, I know
your I'm-out-of-ammo face when I see it.Copy !req
271. What we need
is to get you back to that set right now.Copy !req
272. - Bobby Ray can handle it.
- Wanna bet?Copy !req
273. And action!Copy !req
274. Now, hang on a sec. Uh...Copy !req
275. What's my motivation?Copy !req
276. For opening a door, you dipshit?Copy !req
277. You want to be
on the other side of the door.Copy !req
278. It's moments like these
that truly make you feel likeCopy !req
279. we're part of the tides of history.Copy !req
280. Just quit it, will you?Copy !req
281. I know you're bitter
because you washed out of NASA.Copy !req
282. "Full of shit"? Who, Neil Armstrong?Copy !req
283. American heroes, each and every one.Copy !req
284. The hopes and dreams of an entire nation
rest on their shoulders.Copy !req
285. CeCe, I noticed
Elvis still isn't on the set,Copy !req
286. with menacing emphasis on "still."Copy !req
287. Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.Copy !req
288. - Might want to work faster.
- Yes, sir. Understood.Copy !req
289. Funny unrelated story.Copy !req
290. I once had to wait too long
for an appetizer,Copy !req
291. so I carved the waiter's femur
into a salad fork.Copy !req
292. Oh my God. You should have seen
the look on his grandkids' faces.Copy !req
293. And what the hell were his grandkids
doing there? So many questions.Copy !req
294. Oh good. You made it back.Copy !req
295. So now I guess we're overcompensating
for our moon-landing inadequacies.Copy !req
296. Quit it with that crap.Copy !req
297. Listen, I get it.Copy !req
298. When my mom beat me
in a wet T-shirt contest,Copy !req
299. I stopped eating for three months
and burned the bar down.Copy !req
300. - Where are we headed?
- There's no "we" happening here.Copy !req
301. And you still have mustard on your face.Copy !req
302. - Thank you for noticing me. I feel seen.
- You're not getting it.Copy !req
303. - Well, at least let me give you a ride.
- No, thanks.Copy !req
304. Oh yeah? You sure about that, big guy?Copy !req
305. Shouldn't be long now as we await word
from the valiant crew of Apollo 11Copy !req
306. on final descent.Copy !req
307. Come on, guys. Get it done.Copy !req
308. Yeah, speaking of,
how about we get this doneCopy !req
309. - and get you back to that set?
- No, the movie can wait.Copy !req
310. We're trying to stop
a major drug shipment here.Copy !req
311. Yeah, which there are literally
thousands of every fucking day.Copy !req
312. Where'd you score this ride, by the way?Copy !req
313. It's pretty great, right? Company car.Copy !req
314. - Mind if I push these buttons?
- Sure.Copy !req
315. Wait. And not get electrocuted or ejected
out of my seat or some other bullshit.Copy !req
316. Oh, then, no.
No, I wouldn't touch most of those.Copy !req
317. Uh, thank you?Copy !req
318. He wants to know if there's any booze.Copy !req
319. It's a high-performance, state-of-the-art
intelligence-gathering asset.Copy !req
320. It's the third button on your right.Copy !req
321. Make that the fourth button
on your right. I think.Copy !req
322. Oh my God.
You know we'll never find this guy, right?Copy !req
323. Yep. That's why God invented
dickheads with vanity plates.Copy !req
324. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
325. Need to have a word.Copy !req
326. Damn it, Scatter!Copy !req
327. The buttons are not toys!Copy !req
328. Looks like you're all out
of foot-chase clichés.Copy !req
329. What the hell do you want?Copy !req
330. Tell me about the drug shipment.Copy !req
331. Shit, man,
Cleopatra shipped out with that yesterday.Copy !req
332. Cleopatra?Copy !req
333. Kinda sick of you guys ditching me.Copy !req
334. So where's this major
big-time drug shipment anyway?Copy !req
335. Already gone.Copy !req
336. Oh good.Copy !req
337. Okay. So, I guess
that makes this, to quote myself,Copy !req
338. "A complete fucking waste of..."Copy !req
339. "... time." Damn it.Copy !req
340. Uh, sorry.
What was that you were you saying?Copy !req
341. Something about you
being completely wrong?Copy !req
342. Nice coat.Copy !req
343. Cover you? Wait, wait...Copy !req
344. Fucking Tuesdays.Copy !req
345. We need a plan, all right?
They're getting away.Copy !req
346. Here's a plan: who gives a shit?Copy !req
347. - Cover me!
- Ah, fuck.Copy !req
348. I hate hero time.Copy !req
349. For the record, my "Who gives a shit?"
plan was way easier.Copy !req
350. Angle down three. Ten feet.Copy !req
351. Houston, Tranquility Base here.
The Eagle has landed.Copy !req
352. Wait for it.Copy !req
353. For what?Copy !req
354. You giving away my fucking car?
Already checked that box.Copy !req
355. No, I pushed all the buttons
before I dove out.Copy !req
356. That car's gonna explode
all over the place.Copy !req
357. Wait, you pushed all the buttons?Copy !req
358. - Yeah.
- Oh shit.Copy !req
359. - What?
- That just locks the doors.Copy !req
360. But it did come
with this fun little doohickeyCopy !req
361. from the Philadelphia office.Copy !req
362. - Holy shit.
- Big time.Copy !req
363. Where'd it go?Copy !req
364. Oh, I don't know.
We haven't figured that out yet.Copy !req
365. What's with the dumpy face?Copy !req
366. Missed the moon landing.Copy !req
367. All right, don't pout.
I'm sure we can get them to do it again.Copy !req
368. - What?
- Just... follow me.Copy !req
369. Come on. Is anybody out there?Copy !req
370. Fuck that fucking monkey
shoving a gun in my fucking dick.Copy !req
371. Could this day get any fucking worse?Copy !req
372. - Line.
- You don't fucking have one!Copy !req
373. Just stand there!Copy !req
374. Listen, I didn't
bloody well spend 12 yearsCopy !req
375. getting a PhD in fucking film theoryCopy !req
376. to be thwarted by a fucking moron, mate!Copy !req
377. Oh, I hear you. That sounds frustrating.Copy !req
378. - Who's the moron?
- Ugh!Copy !req
379. Fuck this. I'm out of here.Copy !req
380. Oh God,
did Mary Tyler Moore just say "fuck"?Copy !req
381. Officially love her.Copy !req
382. Get ready to have your mind
completely fucking blown.Copy !req
383. Jesus.Copy !req
384. Maybe Scatter was right.Copy !req
385. What in the hell is this?Copy !req
386. This is history in the making.Copy !req
387. - Who are you?
- Elvis, I'd like you to meet my boss.Copy !req
388. Ooh, been looking forward to meeting you.Copy !req
389. Even financed that dogshit movie
next door to get you here.Copy !req
390. Had a whole thing planned too.Copy !req
391. Drinks, snacks, chocolate volcano,Copy !req
392. cuddles, watch the moon landing together,Copy !req
393. but a certain somebody was a little late.Copy !req
394. Well, yeah,
thanks to his vigilante bullshit.Copy !req
395. Also, hi, hello, I didn't know
we had a chocolate volcano.Copy !req
396. So, wait a minute.Copy !req
397. The moon landing, our finest hour,Copy !req
398. you faked it?Copy !req
399. Not without help from a cinematic genius.Copy !req
400. Say hello to Stanley Kubrick.Copy !req
401. Problem, Stan?Copy !req
402. Our star seems to be indisposed.Copy !req
403. Aw, he in the can?Copy !req
404. No. He somehow accidentally
drank a Tang laced with cocaine,Copy !req
405. and now he's coked out of his mindCopy !req
406. on top of the building
and refuses to come down.Copy !req
407. - Damn it, Scatter.
- What?Copy !req
408. - Nothing.
- Well, somebody's gotta wear the suit.Copy !req
409. Ah.Copy !req
410. Elvis.Copy !req
411. Excuse me?Copy !req
412. Hush, hush. Don't worry.
You're about Neil's size.Copy !req
413. We've already got the line recorded.
You just have to look pretty.Copy !req
414. Hang on a minute. You mean, you want me—Copy !req
415. That's right.
Be the first man on the moon.Copy !req
416. One small step for man, one...Copy !req
417. - Line?
- "Giant leap for mankind."Copy !req
418. Shouldn't it be small step for "a" man?Copy !req
419. I mean,
if we're gonna be grammatically correct?Copy !req
420. - No.
- You know what? Leave it.Copy !req
421. Look, someone's gonna figure out
that this isn't real.Copy !req
422. We decide what's real.Copy !req
423. Which this isn't.Copy !req
424. To the world, it is.Copy !req
425. You know how I know?Copy !req
426. Because Walter Cronkite said so.Copy !req
427. Hold on. Is there fucking mayo on this?Copy !req
428. Because that would be a national tragedy.Copy !req
429. Unless, of course,
you wanna get back to the nuns next door.Copy !req
430. That's one small step for man...Copy !req
431. one giant leap for mankind.Copy !req
432. Welcome to TCB.Copy !req