Agent Elvis 1x10

Directed by

Priscilla Presley as Self (voice) • Jason Mantzoukas as Howard Hughes (voice) • Ed Helms as Robert Goulet (voice) • Christina Hendricks as Roxanne Ryder (voice) • Kieran Culkin as Gabriel Wolf (voice) • Priscilla Presley as Priscilla Presley (voice)

Elvis tries to stop the mind-control weapon from ruining his "Aloha from Hawaii Via Satellite" concert. To help, a stoned Scatter launches into space.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Gabriel! - Father!

2. Uh, hey, I thought you had a-a-a televised sermon tonight.

3. Yeah, I did.

4. It was all about Jesus and his duel with the devil in the desert,

5. which Jesus won!

6. Thanks to karate.

7. Wait, really?

8. But little did I know that I would come home

9. to find Satan's very own music playing in my house!

10. It... I swear it won't happen again!

11. Boy, I can guarantee that.

12. I banish this devil's vinyl to the fires of...

13. Oh shit!

14. Father!

15. Damn you, polyester!

16. Father!

17. Elvis!

18. You burned/drowned my father!

19. Now, you see? What'd I tell you?

20. This is kind of nice.

21. I promised you more time for us, and that starts right now.

22. Feels like I've heard that before.

23. Oh ye of little faith.

24. Uh, hate to interrupt—

25. But you're gonna muscle through it anyway?

26. Just wanted to say hi.

27. Then your work is done here, ace. Good job.

28. Gabriel Wolf, by the way.

29. President of Wolf World Communications.

30. Very excited about your concert.

31. First ever broadcast via satellite around the world,

32. it's kind of impossible not to be.

33. You know, we bid for the broadcast rights, but we lost out to NBC, damn it.

34. Guess you can't win them all.

35. Well, Gabriel, based on my personal life experience,

36. you actually can.

37. Now, you mind?

38. Of course.

39. Good luck tomorrow.

40. Hey, bet you can't guess who I just ran into.

41. Safe bet, given I'm not even gonna try.

42. Hawaii Five-O's very own Jack Lord.

43. Who, turns out, does not like to be hugged in the men's room, by the way.

44. He's in town filming the show. You know I'm a huge fan.

45. Sounds like Jack knows that now too.

46. Oh, and speaking of fans, yours are starting to pile up over there.

47. Mind if I go say hi?

48. Oh, I'm used to it.

49. Back before you know it.

50. Yes.

51. Mm-hmm.

52. Yes, ma'am.

53. Well, thank you very much.

54. What are you doing here?

55. Oh, well, I thought I was in line to get Don Ho's autograph, so,

56. color me disappointed.

57. Come here.

58. If you're here to try to get me to come back, you can fucking forget it.

59. Somebody's doing just fine in the self-important department. Good.

60. I'm serious.

61. News flash, the world doesn't revolve around you.

62. Wanna bet?

63. Hey there, Mrs. P. You and Elvis having a good time?

64. Do me a favor, Bertie.

65. If he ever gets done over there,

66. tell him I caught a flight back to Memphis.

67. I don't give a shit.

68. Believe whatever you want.

69. You people just stay away from me.

70. Done.

71. Oh, uh, quick question though—

72. No, I don't fucking know where Don Ho lives.

73. And speaking of big things coming in small packages, coming up,

74. Hervé Villechaize, star of the new James Bond film,

75. stops by our studio for an exclusive interview.

76. I'm smoking indoors.

77. What the hell is this shit?

78. First I've seen him since I asked him

79. to go get me some potato chips from the lobby two days ago.

80. Looks like he forgot the potato chips.

81. Is he even alive?

82. No idea.

83. Hey, have you seen Priscilla?

84. Yeah, look, about that.

85. Oh no, no, no, no. Don't you even think about it, goddamn it!

86. - What? - I know your car-chase face when I see it.

87. You left all that secret agent nonsense behind you. Remember?

88. What about Priscilla?

89. - She had to catch a flight to Memphis. - Really?

90. Something came up. You should give her a call later.

91. But right now, you need to get ready.

92. Bobby Ray will be back in a sec to pick you up.

93. Back from where?

94. - From picking up the kid. - What kid?

95. The kid.

96. Beautiful day, top down, wind in your hair. Isn't this great?

97. Yeah, I thought you'd like it. Least I could do after, well, you know.

98. Hang on, are we already filming?

99. Wait, is that my beer back there?

100. And let me tell you something.

101. You, my friend, are an inspiration.

102. Living proof that even with a shattered windpipe,

103. collapsed lung, no spleen, and only half a kidney left,

104. there is always a silver lining.

105. No idea what it is, though, but at least you get to meet Elvis,

106. for a couple seconds, anyway. No promises.

107. Want a beer?

108. After the soundcheck, you'll come back here.

109. And I mean straight back here.

110. I'm sensing a little subtext there.

111. I saw you talking to that woman last night.

112. The bimbo in the tiny bikini.

113. Okay, this may sound bad, but you're gonna need to be way more specific.

114. I'm counting on you. All of you.

115. CeCe, Hawaii Five-O's Jack Lord.

116. Nobody knows this island better than you.

117. Character actor Hervé Villechaize.

118. Time to put that wonderfully compact frame of yours to work.

119. Now get this done. Otherwise, millions of people could die.

120. Oh, so no pressure then. Great. Thanks for that, by the way.

121. Any other fun news?

122. One more thing. These bad guys we've been after?

123. We finally have a name.

124. When we captured the asshole with that blueprint over there,

125. he gave us one word.

126. Malus.

127. And he was wearing this.

128. Oh! Is that the guy's fucking finger?

129. Well, it's not somebody else's fucking finger.

130. I mean, that would be seriously twisted.

131. Oh!

132. Hey there, pookie bear.

133. No. Still not a thing. What are you doing here?

134. What? A girl can't come to Hawaii to have a little fun?

135. With that self-absorbed douchebag?

136. No, she can't.

137. Mm!

138. Isn't he great?

139. We've been sort of rekindling an old flame.

140. Bumped into each other in Vietnam,

141. and he has been sweeping me off my feet ever since.

142. - Whoa, hang on. - It's almost like a fairy tale.

143. I mean, if fairy tales had, like,

144. way more vodka tonics and oral sex.

145. Oh God!

146. You okay?

147. Shut up. What do you mean rekindling?

148. We had a fling years ago, before you were born.

149. If you're about to tell me Robert Goulet is my father,

150. then I am going to shoot both of you.

151. Like, over and over!

152. Relax. There's not a chance.

153. I don't think.

154. Shit! Shit!

155. Oh shit.

156. I gotta go.

157. Telling you, Jack Lord's basically the mayor of this entire island.

158. Even lives here. Show you his house if you want.

159. Only from the car though.

160. The cease-and-desist letter was pretty clear on that.

161. Hey, CeCe with an E!

162. Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

163. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

164. No, no, no! Hervé! The car! The car!

165. Say words. Go.

166. The fuck? Both of them?

167. Think I'll try the Aloha tacos.

168. And put yourself down for a Cadillac, boss.

169. Yes, sir.

170. Anything else I can get you, Mr. Presley?

171. Maybe a side order of giant fucking asshole.

172. Ooh, wait a minute, never mind. Turns out I got one right here.

173. Fuck off.

174. Now, is that any way to talk to an old friend?

175. No, but since you're not, fuck off.

176. Just checking in. Want to see how you're doing, buddy.

177. Well, I'm about to play the biggest concert of my life

178. for the entire fucking planet.

179. - Wow. - So, doing just fine without you.

180. Ha! Obviously. Need a quick favor though.

181. Fuck off.

182. Ah, so you've said.

183. But what if I told you there's a problem with your concert?

184. - Explain. - Okay.

185. You remember that sonic weapon we've been after?

186. Well, we tracked particles emitted by that weapon...

187. Explain faster.

188. to outer space.

189. What are you talking about?

190. Oh, look who's interested all of a sudden.

191. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah.

192. Attached to the satellite that'll broadcast your concert

193. to millions of Elvis fans watching—

194. Uh, try billions.

195. Uh, number sounds a tad high.

196. Your show, your music, is about to infect people around the world,

197. turning them into bloodthirsty lunatics. It'll be a global bloodbath.

198. Then what the fuck are you doing sitting here? Take care of it!

199. That's why I need you.

200. You've got people.

201. I got people? I got people? Guess what.

202. I got two less after your idiot friend ran over them in the parking lot.

203. Fucking Bobby Ray.

204. I'm running out of people I can trust.

205. What are you talking about?

206. TCB's got a mole. A traitor.

207. - What? - The stolen sonic tech. The weapon.

208. It's got to be an inside job.

209. Won't be long now.

210. My grand finale.

211. After tonight, Elvis Presley will no longer be beloved.

212. He'll be reviled.

213. You asked me why I didn't let you kill him at the Jaycees Awards.

214. Well, today is why.

215. The day Elvis goes down in history

216. as the man whose music caused millions to die.

217. The day the world will finally loathe Elvis as I do,

218. for as the Bible foretold,

219. "And the bedazzled, caped man who sangeth evilly

220. was finally brought to his knees."

221. Leviticus 4:12. Pretty sure.

222. Close enough for me.

223. So let me get this straight.

224. You get me drafted into the Army

225. so you could make a mind-control device based on my DNA,

226. that you then lose,

227. and now has ended up on a fucking satellite about to destroy the world,

228. and you want me to do something about it?

229. Ooh! Well, that was kind of a long road,

230. but yeah, pretty much.

231. You realize you're basically asking me to save the world from myself?

232. Yeah. And if it's not this concert, it'll be the next one.

233. Goddamn it. You know what?

234. I was doing a hell of a lot better before I met you.

235. Oh come on. You were moonlighting as a dime-store vigilante.

236. It was pathetic.

237. I took you global, kid.

238. No, what you did was take me down a rabbit hole full of your bullshit.

239. Yeah. And then you shot me twice and quit.

240. After all I did for you.

241. How do you think that made me feel, huh?

242. You'll get over it.

243. - I was emotionally sodomized. - Where do you come up with this shit?

244. Writer's room, I don't know.

245. Point is, are you going to help me or not?

246. We're running out of time.

247. Okay, I'll do it.

248. But not because you asked me.

249. More because these assholes aren't about to ruin my show.

250. And "Elvis Saves the World," it's got a nice ring to it.

251. Ha-ha! And I haven't even told you the best part yet.

252. Do you actually enjoy being this predictable?

253. Excuse me?

254. So knew you'd fall for the jetpack.

255. What's he doing here?

256. And where the hell are my potato chips?

257. Yeah, sorry, had to borrow your little friend here. We need him.

258. - For what? - For that.

259. The capsule was designed for Hervé

260. to fly up to the satellite and disarm the sonic weapons.

261. But since Hervé's busy bleeding out in a parking lot,

262. we're gonna have to go with the next best thing.

263. Remember all those assholes at NASA

264. who kicked you out for arguably understandable reasons?

265. Well, this is your chance to prove them wrong. Own it.

266. Yeah.

267. No way this ends badly.

268. Godspeed, drunk monkey.

269. Godspeed.

270. Bertie, what are you...

271. Scatter okay?

272. He's fine. It's telemetry from the rocket.

273. We knew there was a signal station somewhere on the island

274. that's been hacking into the satellite, and now we know where.

275. Heh. Well, then, what the hell are we waiting for?

276. Elvis had this zapper gun of yours ever since Vegas.

277. He loves it.

278. Oh, and it's growing on me too.

279. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

280. Wait. Okay.

281. First off, kind of turned on right now. I'm just putting that out there. Second—

282. - Shut up! - Copy that.

283. Now where the hell's my Elvis?

284. Doing what he was born to do.

285. I'm not gonna let you ruin that boy's life all over again.

286. Ruin his life?

287. That man's literally trying to save the world right now,

288. and instead, you want him to do what, a fucking sound check?

289. Better not be a scratch on him, or else.

290. Or else what, exactly?

291. Okay, if you don't put that thing down, one of two things is gonna happen here.

292. Huh. Wonder what the other thing was.

293. Guess we aim for the cartoonishly large M.

294. Where are all the bad guys?

295. You just had to fucking ask, didn't you?

296. Ah shit!

297. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

298. Ha-ha!

299. Honestly, I don't know which was better, my aim or my entrance.

300. Thanks for that.

301. Don't mention it.

302. What? You saving my ass?

303. That won't be a problem.

304. Now, you, my friend, have a concert to get to.

305. Not until we take out that dish.

306. Oh, get on with your show. I'll take care of it, trust me.

307. You know what? I don't think I will.

308. Uh...

309. What are you doing?

310. Forgot to check the grip on your rocket launcher there.

311. Goddamn it.

312. You know they put these stupid M's on everything.

313. It's like they're selling fucking time-shares.

314. So you're the fucking traitor.

315. "Traitor" is such an ugly word.

316. Accurate, but ugly.

317. Such a pompous prick!

318. Correction.

319. Tony Award-winning pompous prick!

320. There's a big difference.

321. Okay, that sucked.

322. Oh come on. Don't be like that.

323. We're just getting to the fun part.

324. For me, I mean.

325. Remember those experiments

326. the Commander performed on you in the Army?

327. I was there.

328. Back then, I was the Commander's right-hand man.

329. I watched you turn into an animal. You should have died.

330. Sorry to disappoint.

331. And then you came back.

332. Waltzing into TCB like you own the place,

333. with your sculpted hair and your granite jawline,

334. and-and that pouty yet inviting mouth.

335. Uh, starting to feel like this is about something else.

336. Like you didn't already have it all.

337. The talent, the legions of fans,

338. the amazing music.

339. That wasn't enough?

340. You had to take TCB away from me too?

341. Ah.

342. So you do like my music.

343. Um, is that seriously all you got out of that?

344. Hey! Aren't you supposed to be boning my mom?

345. Hyah!

346. You okay?

347. Yeah.

348. - What was that all about? - Fucking Goulet.

349. Interesting choice of dying words,

350. but hey, at least I'm in there somewhere.

351. Uh, did I miss the fucking meeting? What the hell'd you do that for?

352. Ah, believe it or not, he might be my dad.

353. So the hell what?

354. What in the fuck?

355. Hey, think your super great dad's gonna mind if I borrow this?

356. Shut up.

357. No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

358. By Jesus and his seven glorious dwarf apostles,

359. I swear this ain't over.

360. Fucking Goulet.

361. Are you serious? He's the mole?

362. Very.

363. Hey, I've been telling folks for years, this guy is a bag of shit.

364. Well, either way,

365. job well done.

366. We still gotta get Scatter when he comes back down.

367. Comes back down? What are you...

368. No, no, no, that was a one-way trip. He's stuck up there.

369. What the fuck are you talking about?

370. Which is exactly what Hervé would've said.

371. So, yeah, I didn't tell him either.

372. - Where are you going? - To the airport, goddamn it!

373. God, I love his angry energy.

374. Let me get this straight. You were so consumed with jealousy

375. over the fake Apollo moon landing that you spent millions of dollars

376. to convert this thing into a half-ass space plane?

377. Well, when you put it like that, yeah, it sounds kind of pathetic.

378. You brought your fucking Grammys?

379. Are those... potato chips?

380. That little motherfucker.

381. Hang on.

382. What the hell?

383. Okay, that's just fucking wrong.

384. I'm going to get him.

385. You just happened to have Neil Armstrong's spacesuit handy?

386. Uh, kinda. Yeah.

387. Hang on.

388. You two morons were actually gonna try and fly this piece of shit to the moon?

389. Come on, damn it.

390. I think you're supposed to blow in his mouth or something.

391. Obvious STDs notwithstanding.

392. Why is that like that right now?

393. Ugh, God, can we go home?

394. Oh yeah, about that.

395. Unfortunately, no.

396. What are you talking about?

397. Little problem with the heat shield.

398. Uh, what's the little problem?

399. I haven't installed one yet.

400. Uh, we'll burn up on re-entry.

401. You know, hearing that out loud,

402. it's kind of a bigger than a little problem.

403. God... Jesus!

404. Wait, what?

405. Are you out of your fucking mind?

406. Hang on, E.

407. You can't do this.

408. You can't pretend to be a human heat shield.

409. You'll burn alive!

410. Boss, are you sure about this?

411. I got a show to do, buddy.

412. You never leave a packed house waiting.

413. Hey, look at me.

414. Don't do this!

415. Look.

416. I've gotta at least try.

417. You folks best strap in.

418. You know what?

419. Just now realizing I haven't checked in with Priscilla,

420. and that's probably not a good sign.

421. Just take care of yourself.

422. But yeah, relationship-wise, it's not a great sign at all.

423. Howard, listen, I may need you

424. to resume your cloning research.

425. Uh... I was supposed to stop?

426. Yeah, we're probably gonna need a new Elvis.