1. Oh! Love it!Copy !req
2. "Trouble"! One of the greatest
Elvis songs of all time.Copy !req
3. How was the sound?Copy !req
4. Hell yeah. Felt great.Copy !req
5. But since that song's about
beating the shit out of somebody,Copy !req
6. which is great in its own way,Copy !req
7. maybe we try something more...Copy !req
8. Christmassy?Copy !req
9. Yeah. I'm having kinda second thoughts
about the whole Christmas angle.Copy !req
10. I hear you. Great. Good thought.Copy !req
11. So, let's try one
with Tiny Tim and the Elvis Elves.Copy !req
12. Thoughts?Copy !req
13. Ladies.Copy !req
14. Oh, for fuck's sake, Scatter.Copy !req
15. I guess "Wait in the limo"
is a little too open-ended, huh?Copy !req
16. What the hell?Copy !req
17. You said we'd get to hang out with Elvis.Copy !req
18. Now, you realize
that vest has pockets, right?Copy !req
19. Hello?Copy !req
20. Oh hey, baby. Did I call too late?Copy !req
21. Only for one of us,
and she's sound asleep.Copy !req
22. Well, give her a kiss for me, will you?Copy !req
23. You sound tired, baby. You doing okay?Copy !req
24. I don't know, 'Cilla.Copy !req
25. Feels like the world out there
is going insane, and I'm stuck hereCopy !req
26. doing a shitty Christmas show
the Colonel locked me into.Copy !req
27. Aw, I'm sure the show will be great.Copy !req
28. Yeah. You mean
the one with the Elvis Elves?Copy !req
29. Come on. "Elvis Elves"?Copy !req
30. Trust me,
it's actually worse than it sounds.Copy !req
31. No way.Copy !req
32. Hello? 'Cilla?Copy !req
33. Hey, ace, what happened to the phone?Copy !req
34. Sorry, just trying to speed things up.Copy !req
35. Speed what up?Copy !req
36. My job. Killing you.Copy !req
37. Oh, and for whatever reason,Copy !req
38. they wanted you to hear this
while you, you know, die.Copy !req
39. Did he just say, "Killing me"?Copy !req
40. Goulet?Copy !req
41. Well, this fucking day
just keeps getting better and better.Copy !req
42. Damn it, Scatter! You shot me!Copy !req
43. I swear to God, I should have
never gotten out of bed this morning.Copy !req
44. Oh what, huh?Copy !req
45. I'm not allowed to have a bad day?Copy !req
46. Aw, shit!Copy !req
47. Look here, pal. I've had a shit day,
so I'm gonna go ahead and kick your ass.Copy !req
48. Hyah!Copy !req
49. Huh? What in the hell?Copy !req
50. Holy shit. Is that Elvis?Copy !req
51. Sorry about that.Copy !req
52. Oh my God, Elvis. That was amazing.Copy !req
53. What was all that?Copy !req
54. Oh that? Yeah.Copy !req
55. You know, that... That was a rehearsal.Copy !req
56. It's what I'm doing for my new TV show.Copy !req
57. Jesus, is that guy okay?Copy !req
58. Oh yeah,
that's just fake blood, everybody.Copy !req
59. And that there is fake, uh...Copy !req
60. Well, whatever that is. And—Copy !req
61. What's the new show called?Copy !req
62. Rise and shine, asshole.Copy !req
63. Oh, where am I?Copy !req
64. Oh, you are fucking dead. I'll fucking—Copy !req
65. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
66. You gotta be dumber
than a mud fence to be talking right now.Copy !req
67. That's my friend, Bobby Ray.Copy !req
68. You might want to listen to him.Copy !req
69. Which house rule
am I thinking about right now?Copy !req
70. Definitely not the one
about personal space.Copy !req
71. You promised none of your vigilante
nonsense in this house, remember?Copy !req
72. Won't even know we're here,
Miss Bertie.Copy !req
73. Hey, when I get out of this,
I'm gonna fucking—Copy !req
74. More or less.Copy !req
75. Mm.Copy !req
76. That was Bertie, my rock.Copy !req
77. Runs everything around here,
known me since I was in diapers.Copy !req
78. And speaking of diapers, you see my chimp,
Scatter, over there with the hand cannon?Copy !req
79. That is a problem for you, friend.Copy !req
80. You see, I decided a while ago,Copy !req
81. I wasn't gonna just sit around
while this country's torn apartCopy !req
82. by all the chaos, the dirtbag hippies,
the drugs, the crime.Copy !req
83. No, no, no, not on my watch.Copy !req
84. But Scatter here?Copy !req
85. Hell, he just does it
because he gets off to it.Copy !req
86. Not where I was going with that.Copy !req
87. You know, here's an idea.Copy !req
88. Maybe try not
being disgusting all the time,Copy !req
89. including in the hot tub that you clogged
with your damn monkey spunk.Copy !req
90. That filter looked like a war crime!Copy !req
91. Look at me. Here and now is
where you tell me who sent you to kill me.Copy !req
92. Fuck you, singer boy.Copy !req
93. They're not paying me to talk.Copy !req
94. They? Well, who the hell's "they"?Copy !req
95. Now you listen to me, scumbag. I promise
you Scatter's going to pull that trigger...Copy !req
96. Oh fuck!Copy !req
97. "If"!Copy !req
98. Goddamn it, Scatter.
I was gonna say, "If" he didn't talk!Copy !req
99. Not sticking up for the chimp here,
boss, but it was a little confusing.Copy !req
100. So...Copy !req
101. is this me not knowing you're here?Copy !req
102. Just a little hiccup, Miss Bertie.Copy !req
103. Just a little hiccup. Everything's fine.Copy !req
104. Though technically
the living room has seen better days.Copy !req
105. You know, there are waysCopy !req
106. to turn you into
a quarter-sleeve cardigan.Copy !req
107. You need to clean this up, now.Copy !req
108. Because that sweater thing
sounded real specific.Copy !req
109. Yeah. Like I know where the mop is.Copy !req
110. Pull!Copy !req
111. I swear this crime-fighting crap's
gonna get you killed one day.Copy !req
112. Yeah, but this one wasn't my fault.Copy !req
113. The guy with the exploded head
started the whole damn thing.Copy !req
114. Just like that, huh?Copy !req
115. All I know is somebody wants me dead.Copy !req
116. Pull!Copy !req
117. You know, my money's on them Bolivians.Copy !req
118. Negatory.Copy !req
119. All those guys
are not really around anymore.Copy !req
120. What is that? A to-go bag?Copy !req
121. Put that shit back.Copy !req
122. Hey! What about that mob guy
you ran into in MiamiCopy !req
123. when you were doing that Sinatra show?Copy !req
124. Definitely not him.Copy !req
125. There's that biker gang from last month.Copy !req
126. Not after that explosion, there isn't.Copy !req
127. Or maybe just another jealous husbandCopy !req
128. sick of his wife flooding her basement
every time you're on the TV... Ow!Copy !req
129. Doesn't really narrow it down, does it?Copy !req
130. Besides, though, this felt different.
This guy... This guy was a pro.Copy !req
131. You even hear yourself?Copy !req
132. I promised your mama
I was gonna look after you,Copy !req
133. but if she was alive today, she'd—Copy !req
134. Say, "Thank you, Elvis, for trying
to make the world a better place."Copy !req
135. "You're such a good boy, Elvis.
How about a snack?"Copy !req
136. Oh, and then Mom would
probably cover her ears,Copy !req
137. because this is going to get real loud.Copy !req
138. Wait, wait, wait! Check it out, E.Copy !req
139. Got bored and souped up
a pair of your sunglasses for you.Copy !req
140. Yeah.Copy !req
141. Watch this.Copy !req
142. Hang on.Copy !req
143. What happened to all the Christmas stuff?
There was a bunch of tinsel and shit.Copy !req
144. I'm taking this thing over.Copy !req
145. It's not gonna be
a Christmas special anymore.Copy !req
146. Well, what then?Copy !req
147. Glad you asked, buddy.Copy !req
148. Because if I can dream,
this show's gonna make a statement.Copy !req
149. - A statement?
- Damn straight.Copy !req
150. Just full-tilt rock and roll, boys,Copy !req
151. how we used to do it before
all the movies and all the bullshit.Copy !req
152. Now, that, my chiseled friend,
is what I'm talking about.Copy !req
153. Just you and the boys cranking it out.Copy !req
154. Already got Scotty and DJ on a plane.Copy !req
155. - Blowing the fucking doors off.
- Always.Copy !req
156. If we deck this place out
with, like, a shit-ton of balloons...Copy !req
157. - What?
- ... multicolored streamers,Copy !req
158. and... Ooh! Bunting.Copy !req
159. Absolutely not. Go get the car.Copy !req
160. Excuse me.Copy !req
161. Well, well, well.
Lady One, Lady Two, Lady Three.Copy !req
162. Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, and yes, ma'am.
Now, how'd you get in here?Copy !req
163. Any chance we can get a picture?Copy !req
164. Well, sure thing, you bet. Come here now.Copy !req
165. Okay, last one, I swear.Copy !req
166. Sure, anything for the fans.Copy !req
167. Which you, apparently, are not.Copy !req
168. Okay, piggy, let's see those teeth.Copy !req
169. - Say—
- Wait. I think I know this one.Copy !req
170. Cheese, dipshits!Copy !req
171. Hyah!Copy !req
172. Now that's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
173. That was fucking weird, huh?Copy !req
174. - What the hell was all that?
- Just doing my job.Copy !req
175. - Sorry?
- Don't be. Later, gator!Copy !req
176. Uh, okay.Copy !req
177. I have a few notes.Copy !req
178. You mind telling me
what the hell's going on?Copy !req
179. Okay, this is gonna sound
a little/extremely weird, butCopy !req
180. you're on a kill list.Copy !req
181. I know. Sucks, am I right?Copy !req
182. Hey, what's up, boss man?Copy !req
183. Think I might be on a kill list.Copy !req
184. Hmm. Well, that sucks.Copy !req
185. Scatter, you got her?Copy !req
186. Oh, you sure this is a good idea, E?Copy !req
187. When someone says, "Kill list,"
I've got a few follow-up questions.Copy !req
188. No. I mean, trusting the chimp
to track some woman's... lady parts scents.Copy !req
189. Scatter's got it.Copy !req
190. Does he? Because last time we tried this,Copy !req
191. we ended up
at Gloria Steinem's crawfish boil.Copy !req
192. You boys stay with the car,Copy !req
193. which means not buying coked-up hookers,
he said really clearly this time.Copy !req
194. If I'm not back in five, come and get me.Copy !req
195. Mr. Presley?Copy !req
196. You got room for one more?Copy !req
197. Of course, sir. Let me just check.Copy !req
198. At ease, ace.
Wasn't really asking.Copy !req
199. Now, there she is. Never got your name.Copy !req
200. No. And there's a reason for that.Copy !req
201. I want some answers.Copy !req
202. No, I think what you really want
is the scallops mimosa. Oh!Copy !req
203. - Sorry?
- Oh God, you won't be. Trust me.Copy !req
204. First time I tried some,
so good I literally shit my pants.Copy !req
205. You know, hearing that out loud,
they may have been undercooked—Copy !req
206. - Skip to the kill list.
- Oh, that.Copy !req
207. - Yeah, somebody wants you dead.
- Who?Copy !req
208. The name Charlie Manson
mean anything to you?Copy !req
209. Ooh. Oh, you are bad!Copy !req
210. Oh no. Don't you fucking do it, Jughead!Copy !req
211. Hey there, daddy-o. Borrow a light?Copy !req
212. Ooh! Yes, ma'am.
You can borrow whatever the hell you want:Copy !req
213. a light, my car keys, my spleen.Copy !req
214. We'll borrow you too,
while we're at it, Jack.Copy !req
215. Don't just stand there, pick him up!Copy !req
216. Am I talking to myself here?Copy !req
217. That wasn't rhetorical. I'm really asking.
I've got six voices in my head right now.Copy !req
218. Absolute psychopath...Copy !req
219. who, small side note,
technically just kidnapped your friend.Copy !req
220. - What?
- The one not wearing a diaper. Bobby Ray.Copy !req
221. Oh, the fucking waiter just tell you that?Copy !req
222. "Oh, did the fucking waiter..." Yeah.
We've got eyes everywhere. Creepy, right?Copy !req
223. You're not kidding. Where'd they take him?Copy !req
224. - Can't tell you that.
- You're coming with me.Copy !req
225. And cancel dinner
with a not-too-clingy radiologistCopy !req
226. with size 13 shoes and a beach house?Copy !req
227. I don't think so.Copy !req
228. Try again.Copy !req
229. Mm. Careful.Copy !req
230. You don't look like an honorary
Shelby County deputy to me.Copy !req
231. You mind telling me why
Dean Martin has a.38 aimed at my head?Copy !req
232. That feels like a you problem.Copy !req
233. Well, speaking of "you problems,"Copy !req
234. if this Manson guy
really did take Bobby Ray...Copy !req
235. then you're about to see
why we don't let Scatter drive. Ever.Copy !req
236. Let's take a ride.Copy !req
237. Hey!Copy !req
238. It's called Spahn Ranch.Copy !req
239. It used to be
a movie set for old westerns.Copy !req
240. Huh. Looks like nobody's home.Copy !req
241. No?
Well, "nobody" sure has a lot of horses.Copy !req
242. Good point.Copy !req
243. No shit. Trust me. This is home base
for Manson and his people.Copy !req
244. So, now can we cool it
with whatever the fuck this is?Copy !req
245. Oh. Don't mind if I do.Copy !req
246. You're my new favorite.Copy !req
247. Only one way to find out.Copy !req
248. You can get out now.Copy !req
249. Hey, what do you think you're do...Copy !req
250. Uh, what am I doing? My job,
which is keeping you unmurdered.Copy !req
251. And more importantly,
getting high with a monkey.Copy !req
252. Either way, can we hurry this up?Copy !req
253. So boring.
You know your friend's already dead—Copy !req
254. Hey, let me tell you something.Copy !req
255. Bobby Ray grew up in the backwoods,Copy !req
256. where the only things to do were
making moonshine and catching rabies.Copy !req
257. Uh-huh.Copy !req
258. And what is your insanely grim point here?Copy !req
259. Bobby Ray is a survivor.Copy !req
260. Stay here.Copy !req
261. Done.Copy !req
262. Goddamn it, Bobby Ray.Copy !req
263. Sweet mother of God.Copy !req
264. Hey! Hey, they may be coming back soon.Copy !req
265. So let's get you out of here.Copy !req
266. What? No, I mean to fuck me again.Copy !req
267. Seriously, E, these batshit-crazy
free-love chicks are on fire.Copy !req
268. Uh, is that blood?Copy !req
269. Okay, yeah, the sex got a little dark.
Not proud of it, but I'd do it again.Copy !req
270. What in the hell is that?Copy !req
271. Whoa, whoa, easy with the gun, man.Copy !req
272. What's with all the hostility?Copy !req
273. You assholes kidnapped my friend.Copy !req
274. Kidnapped?Copy !req
275. Who are you,
the charred remains of my last lawyer?Copy !req
276. No, we just borrowed your friend
to get you here.Copy !req
277. Now, relax, grab a seat.Copy !req
278. We're all friendly here.Copy !req
279. - Join us.
- Come join us, man.Copy !req
280. - Right.
- Hey, E?Copy !req
281. Maybe let's get the hell out of here.Copy !req
282. So, you gonna introduce us
to your fun new friends?Copy !req
283. - Just fucking drive, Bobby Ray.
- Yep!Copy !req
284. Step on it. Maybe I can still make dinner
with Dr. Timmy and his insanely big...Copy !req
285. What?Copy !req
286. Nice nap?Copy !req
287. What the hell is this?Copy !req
288. Oh, this?Copy !req
289. This is the gallows they used
filming Linda and Abilene,Copy !req
290. an underappreciated psychosexual western.Copy !req
291. And these folks here?Copy !req
292. These are my people, man!Copy !req
293. Thank you, yes!Copy !req
294. So are they here to just fuck around in
the dirt or to watch you try and kill me?Copy !req
295. Kill you? Oh no, brother.
What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
296. - The kill list.
- Ugh.Copy !req
297. I told Bloodlust Charlie
not to call it that.Copy !req
298. But then Angry Charlie told me,
"Shut the fuck up!"Copy !req
299. - No, you shut up.
- You shut up!Copy !req
300. - Be quiet.
- Whose voice is that?Copy !req
301. Everyone be quiet.Copy !req
302. Shh.Copy !req
303. Nothing completely insane
about any of that.Copy !req
304. Can I go now?Copy !req
305. Sure.Copy !req
306. Well, assuming you want
to join the family.Copy !req
307. Family? What fucking family?Copy !req
308. We're all brothers and sisters here, man.Copy !req
309. We're a family. Seriously.Copy !req
310. Jerry over there does the dishes.Copy !req
311. Martha's in charge of snacks.Copy !req
312. Frank gets the drugs.Copy !req
313. Betty over there,
well, she gets drugs too.Copy !req
314. Actually, pretty much
everybody else gets drugs.Copy !req
315. Don't forget to get drugs, everybody!Copy !req
316. Now, I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
317. You're worried you might not fit in.Copy !req
318. Losing sleep over it.Copy !req
319. You just got to give it time, man.Copy !req
320. After we force-feed you LSD
for three straight months,Copy !req
321. I promise you, you're gonna feel the love.Copy !req
322. And by that, I mean
we fuck each other constantly, am I right?Copy !req
323. Yeah, bravo. Afraid I'm not your guy.Copy !req
324. Of course you are. Don't you get it?Copy !req
325. Pretend I don't.Copy !req
326. You and me, we're the same.Copy !req
327. We're both electric personalities,
making music that'll change the world.Copy !req
328. - Music?
- With the help of youCopy !req
329. and everybody else on this list,
I'm going all the way to the top.Copy !req
330. What the hell are you—Copy !req
331. Sweet mother of God.Copy !req
332. Does that answer your question?Copy !req
333. - Not the way I think you wanted.
- So what do you say?Copy !req
334. Yes. Say yes.Copy !req
335. I'd say, if I wanted to hang out
with a bunch of shitbag hippies,Copy !req
336. I'd return Dennis Hopper's phone calls.Copy !req
337. - E!
- Oh, goddamn it.Copy !req
338. You know, I'm not so much angry
as I am disappointed.Copy !req
339. I blame myself, really.Copy !req
340. The king piggy goes down, man.Copy !req
341. Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!Copy !req
342. Hey.Copy !req
343. You owe me a new badge, dickhead.Copy !req
344. Oh God. Oh Daddy, is anything broken?Copy !req
345. Get him.Copy !req
346. Okay, some of those
seem awfully big to keep in your pants.Copy !req
347. Huh. Well, that's new.Copy !req
348. They're not going down!Copy !req
349. They're like hippie zombies!Copy !req
350. Even better.Copy !req
351. They're so high, they can't feel a thing.Copy !req
352. It's beautiful, man!Copy !req
353. Blah, blah, blah!
God, it's nonstop with that guy.Copy !req
354. No! Let go!Copy !req
355. Shit.Copy !req
356. Hey, jackass. This...Copy !req
357. This is why I didn't want to come here.Copy !req
358. No!Copy !req
359. Fucking animals!Copy !req
360. Look what you did to my beautiful family.Copy !req
361. Now you have to pay.Copy !req
362. - Huh. Okay.
- A grenade?Copy !req
363. Ah!Copy !req
364. Planet of the Apes.
God, he loves that movie.Copy !req
365. Aw, fuck.Copy !req
366. You killed my sister/daughter-wife!Copy !req
367. You fucking ass—Copy !req
368. Say, I've been meaning to ask you.
Nice outfit. What kind of leather's that?Copy !req
369. - Italian. I'm not an animal.
- Where do you get something like that?Copy !req
370. With your waistline? You don't.Copy !req
371. You sure we can't give you a ride?Copy !req
372. Nope, nope. Got some cleaning up to do.
Don't worry, we got people.Copy !req
373. "We" being...?Copy !req
374. - Good luck with the show.
- Hey, speaking of... Bobby Ray!Copy !req
375. - Yo!
- Score our new friend here some tickets.Copy !req
376. Oh. Thanks, but no, thanks.Copy !req
377. Not a big rock and roll fan, huh?Copy !req
378. Sure, sure, let's go with that.Copy !req
379. Definitely my favorite.Copy !req
380. So,Copy !req
381. you think he's ready?Copy !req
382. You tell me, boss. How'd he do
on your little fake limo assassin test?Copy !req
383. Yeah, um, been meaning
to talk to you about that.Copy !req
384. - What?
- Were you and Doug... close?Copy !req
385. I don't know, we were kinda dating,
mostly over-the-pants stuff, why?Copy !req
386. Mm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
387. Well, because I gave Doug
the limo assignment, and it didn't go...Copy !req
388. Gosh, what's the word?Copy !req
389. Uh, perfectly.Copy !req
390. Oh. He's a big boy. He'll be fine.Copy !req
391. Well...
maybe I'm underselling this a bit.Copy !req
392. The monkey shot him in the face
and blew his head off.Copy !req
393. Seriously?Copy !req
394. Yes. I'm making my serious face.Copy !req
395. Meh. He was kind of a dick anyway.Copy !req
396. Thank you, and good night.Copy !req