After Life 3x6

1. Oh, leave her alone.

2. - No, no, no! - Hear, hear. Tony, for fuck's sake.

3. It's just a discussion.

4. Right. You say "God," but what do you think God is, exactly?

5. I don't know what God is, exactly,

6. but, you know, I... I believe in something.

7. Vague. Very vague.

8. Well, we obviously go somewhere.

9. - I mean... - Yeah.

10. Yeah, like, maybe heaven's, like, just a peaceful dream or something.

11. I don't know. You don't know.

12. I'll probably end up in the other place.

13. Hope so anyway. More fun. You can drink and have it away down there.

14. Yeah, but I'm not sure you'll enjoy how you'll be having it away.

15. Basically, you'll be Satan's bitch.

16. What... What will you say when he's doing you from behind, Dad?

17. - Gay. - Yeah, that'll show him.

18. Good girl.

19. Yeah.

20. Here we go.

21. Here we go.

22. It's her paw-tograph.

23. Cheers.

24. - Did Brian have a word? - Yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah.

25. - Good. - Yeah, yeah.

26. Yeah, he said I should stop being a worthless slug, and I should be a man.

27. Yeah. Yeah, so I gave Roxy an ultimatum, didn't I?

28. I said it's either being a prossie or being with me.

29. Right.

30. - She chose being a prossie. - Oh.

31. Obviously.

32. - Sorry about that. - Yeah.

33. So, uh, I'm young, free, and single again.

34. So I was wondering

35. do you fancy going on the pull sometime together?

36. - No, fair enough. - See ya later.

37. - See ya. - Cheers.

38. Oh, hello.

39. Hello. Um, I just want you to have a copy of the paper.

40. Oh.

41. Look at my silly face!

42. "That takes the biscuit."

43. Ooh. It's lovely. Would you like a cup of tea?

44. I won't, thanks. But can I just use your toilet?

45. Yes, straight through the kitchen by the back door.

46. Thank you. Won't be a second.

47. Oh.

48. What are you doing?

49. Uh, you know, just, um,

50. leaving this photo.

51. It's me and Lisa when we were kids. I never got round to it before.

52. I know this is sort of your place.

53. I thought you were checking out a good spot

54. 'cause of your really weak heart.

55. - Brilliant. - Cheers.

56. It's okay to admit that you're a nice bloke, you know, Tony.

57. - It's not a weakness. - Right.

58. I think,

59. in your own way, you've always cared.

60. You've always wanted people to feel better and happier.

61. You just really enjoyed

62. poking them

63. until they start thinking.

64. If it didn't kill them, you made them stronger.

65. I'm like an inoculation.

66. More like the actual annoying virus.

67. Yeah.

68. - Good. - See you later.

69. - See you later. - Don't be late for work.

70. I definitely will be late.

71. I know.

72. - Hello. - Hello.

73. I beat you here today.

74. Oh, what's that?

75. It's Lisa and her little brother when they were kids.

76. - Oh. - He just left it there.

77. How did you meet Stan?

78. I was on holiday with my mum.

79. Hmm.

80. It was a caravan park, and we met in the club room at a dance.

81. And then we went for dinner.

82. And he told me a rude joke, and I didn't laugh,

83. and it made him feel bad.

84. Fifty years later, it still eats me up that I didn't laugh.

85. What was the joke?

86. What's the difference between a Rolls-Royce and a dead prostitute?

87. Dunno.

88. I haven't got a Rolls-Royce in my garage.

89. Oh, good old Stan.

90. I wish I'd laughed.

91. I'm sure he never gave it a second thought.

92. No, you're probably right.

93. What's that, uh, Mark Twain quotation?

94. "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which have never happened."

95. Yeah.

96. How did you meet Lisa?

97. Uh...

98. Uh, it was the early '90s.

99. Um,

100. I thought I was a writer,

101. but I was actually on the dole, telling people I was a writer.

102. Lisa was an artist.

103. Fresh out of college. And she had a little exhibition at the Tambury Fair.

104. And I was looking round, mainly at her,

105. and, uh, she thought I was interested in one of her works.

106. So I said I'd like to buy it.

107. And she said, uh, "How would you like to pay?"

108. And I thought, "Good question. I can't."

109. So I said, uh,

110. "I could marry you and pay you back by doing odd jobs around the house."

111. And, uh, then I just said, "I haven't got any money."

112. - She went, "What, on you?" - I went, "No. At all."

113. And she realized it was her I was interested in,

114. and she said, um,

115. "So I have to buy you dinner?"

116. And that was it.

117. We went out, and, uh, we hit it off.

118. We talked about music and stuff.

119. Our love of David Bowie

120. and Joni Mitchell.

121. - That was her favorite. - Hmm.

122. We even played, um, "Both Sides Now" at the wedding.

123. And I just thought I was the luckiest man in the world.

124. I wish I hadn't teased her about there not being an afterlife now because, uh,

125. I think she wanted to believe, deep down,

126. in, like, Heaven and angels and stuff.

127. I hope she wasn't...

128. I hope she wasn't scared.

129. All she'd have wanted was you with her at the end.

130. Oh, and there are angels by the way.

131. They don't have wings and live in clouds.

132. They wear nurse's uniforms and work hard to pay the rent on their houses.

133. Some work for charities because they can't look the other way.

134. Some have four legs and bark.

135. But whatever they look like, they all save lives.

136. Sometimes you bump into them.

137. Like Lisa.

138. And Stan. And you... And you marry them.

139. I know that Lisa and Stan aren't angels now. But they were.

140. If you want to be an angel, you've got to do it when you're alive.

141. Be good. Do good things.

142. Introduce a lonely woman to a nice man.

143. Hmm.

144. You're my angel, Tony.

145. Not sure about that.

146. So,

147. why did you shave your head?

148. Because my sister's hair fell out when she was getting rid of the cancer.

149. And now we look the same again.

150. You do.

151. - Why do you want to look like your sister? - Because she's lovely.

152. She is. And I think you're lovely too.

153. She got sponsored and raised £1,200 to help me.

154. Amazing, £1,200. Wow.

155. Well, I need your names to put 'em in the paper

156. so everyone knows how brilliant you are.

157. - I'm Milly. - Milly.

158. I'm Lisa.

159. Lisa.

160. My wife's name.

161. Where is she?

162. She's at home.

163. - Making your tea? - Yeah.

164. - Why are you crying? - Because I'm happy.

165. - Why are you crying if you're happy? - Because I'm mental.

166. Can we take a picture?

167. Smile.

168. Brilliant.

169. That's it.

170. Thank you. Bye-bye.

171. Are you having chemo?

172. No.

173. His hair fell out 'cause he ate nothing but crisps and biscuits for 30 years.

174. I wish I could just eat those.

175. Yeah, but this way, your hair will grow back.

176. But Lenny will just keep getting balder and balder,

177. and that's not even his worst characteristic.

178. Do you think he looks like Shrek?

179. - He's your friend though. - He is.

180. He is. And it doesn't matter what you look like.

181. It's what's on the inside that matters.

182. And as we all know, what's inside Lenny

183. is just loads of crisps and biscuits.

184. Will you come again?

185. I don't know.

186. Okay.

187. - Why do you ask? - You're funny.

188. Am I?

189. Um...

190. Okay, I'll... I'll pop in and say hello.

191. Tomorrow?

192. - All right. - And the day after?

193. I'll come in every day until you're better.

194. Or until I go to Heaven?

195. Do you believe in Heaven?

196. Definitely.

197. It's me again.

198. Running out of things to say, to be honest.

199. Found a poem that says what I want to say.

200. "Do not stand at my grave and weep"

201. "I am not there, I do not sleep"

202. "I am a thousand winds that blow"

203. "I am the diamond glints on snow"

204. "I am the sunlight on ripened grain"

205. "I am the gentle autumn's rain"

206. "When you awaken in the morning's hush"

207. "I am the swift, uplifting rush

208. "Of quiet birds in circled flight"

209. "I am the soft starshine at night"

210. "Do not stand at my grave and cry"

211. "I am not there"

212. "I did not die"

213. I want you to enjoy life.

214. Mm.

215. I don't want you to worry about money or... Don't worry about me.

216. Just worry about you, yeah? Be...

217. Be happy.

218. And be kind.

219. Be Tony.

220. What's this?

221. Oh, no, Tony, I can't accept this.

222. She was your sister.

223. - I know, but... - You lost her too.

224. I thought not caring was a superpower. I was wrong.

225. Caring about stuff,

226. that's what really matters.

227. Kindness. Making other people feel good.

228. That's the real superpower.

229. And we've all got it.

230. Sometimes,

231. I feel happy.

232. Not happy like normal people,

233. or like I used to

234. feel happy when I didn't appreciate it, but content, you know?

235. A sort of feeling washes over me like the world's all right.

236. In fact, life's pretty fucking amazing.

237. You know, I think how lucky was I to exist at the same time as Lisa?

238. Spend all my time with her.

239. All my love.

240. Then it all comes crashing down, and I remember she died, and I'm alone.

241. I can't wait to die.

242. It all happens in seconds, and constant, you know?

243. And then today, at the hospice,

244. I met a little kid.

245. So sweet and innocent.

246. And all my own troubles...

247. are put on hold.

248. They were still there, but

249. he became my troubles, you know?

250. And, uh, it sort of stopped the cycle,

251. the descent into darkness,

252. because I had a cause.

253. It's like

254. if the kid lives, then so do I.

255. Thank you.

256. Wedding present.

257. Fucking hell. Are you sure?

258. That is so kind.

259. You all right, Kath?

260. Yeah. Yeah. Going to laughter yoga tonight.

261. That's where I am now. Going to a class to learn how to smile.

262. That's to help you get a better flat.

263. - Well, thank you. - No worries.

264. Sorry, I just... Nothing like this ever happens.

265. Okay, everybody, so we've got a new member today. What's your name?

266. - Kath. - Kath. Okay, Kath, so just loosen up.

267. Get those funny bones shaking.

268. Okay.

269. And big smiles, yeah?

270. Yeah.

271. Love life.

272. Feel those endorphins. Yeah?

273. Funny old world. Funny old world.

274. Sorry, hold on, everyone. Can we just... From you?

275. I'm so lonely.

276. I think you'd better leave 'cause you're bringing the whole vibe down.

277. Oh!

278. - Hi. - Hi.

279. Uh, this is Jack.

280. - Hi. - Hello.

281. And this is Tony.

282. My friend.

283. Always.

284. - Nice to meet ya. - Yeah, likewise.

285. - See ya later. - See you.

286. Come on.

287. Yes! Well done!

288. Hi.

289. Oh. You okay?

290. Yeah.

291. More than okay.

292. Oh, good.

293. I couldn't stand to lose another wonderful man.

294. Oh, and by the way, uh,

295. - thank you. - Mm-hmm.

296. My pleasure.

297. See ya later. Come on, girl.

298. "Dr. Barnaby flung open the operating theater doors."

299. "As he walked down the corridor,

300. he saw a pretty, young Afro-Caribbean nurse crying."

301. "She'd straightened her hair so looked like Beyoncé."

302. "'What's the matter, Nurse? Why do you cry?'"

303. "'Racism, Doctor.'"

304. "'Racism?'"

305. "'I hate racism.'"

306. "'I think we are all equal, and I judge people by their character

307. and not whether they're colored or not.'"

308. "'I made love to a Chinese lady once. Beautiful eyes.'"

309. I love this.

310. What, the fair?

311. Everyone comes together for a few hours.

312. They swap ideas and recipes and junk,

313. and they create memories and photos.

314. My dad used to say life's like a ride at the fair.

315. Exciting, scary, fast.

316. And you can only go round once.

317. You have the best time till you can't take any more.

318. Then it slows down, and you see someone else waiting to get on.

319. They need your seat.

320. - Hey, happy Christmas, son! - Mind out!

321. Okay, guys, please, it's for kids.

322. - Boom! Balls deep! - Pick on someone your own size!

323. - You get in, then! Get it! - That's not...

324. You jump in. We'll do it in front of your son!

325. - That's not what I meant. - Show how weak you are.

326. Your child. Do it! Do it! Do it!

327. Come on. Go on, big man.

328. Ah! Ah!

329. - Wanna do this in front of your kid? - Hey.

330. That was too close.

331. That's...

332. - Oh! - Prat!

333. "Oh, you're good at football, aren't you?"

334. Oh, I was rubbish.

335. I don't think sticking up for someone's rubbish.

336. - Do you, George? - No.

337. My hero.

338. And you saved one.

339. - I did save one. - You definitely saved one, didn't he?

340. - Daddy's really good at football. - With my bum.

341. Hey. Remember me?

342. Oh, yeah. Dog shit man.

343. Oh, Marvel missed a trick there.

344. - You still refuse to have a relationship? - No.

345. No, I changed my mind. I'm desperate now.

346. I'm here on the pull. No offense.

347. And not with you either. No, no. You're out of my league.

348. I'm not being sexist, but, you know...

349. - Well, you're saying all the right things. - Really?

350. Absolutely.

351. Desperation, flattery, begging. I mean, what's not to love?

352. Well, I don't know what to say.

353. I'll be honest with you. I lost my mojo over the last year and a half.

354. But I'm over the moon that a woman of your class, well, any woman, really,

355. would consider doing it with me.

356. But you need...

357. You need to know I'm not the stallion I once was, you know.

358. Oh, I get the urge.

359. I think, "Ooh, let's have a bit of me time."

360. I go upstairs and close the curtains.

361. Harry the five-legged spider, he comes out to play.

362. After a couple of minutes, I think, "Nah, can't be bothered with this."

363. I remember the slice of mature cheddar and crusty cob I got downstairs, you know.

364. - Is this foreplay? - Hey.

365. - No strings attached now. - No.

366. Oh. Just dirty, sweaty, ugly sex.

367. Well, I'm your man, then. In fact, I'm sweating already.

368. - And you're ugly. - I got feelings as well though.

369. All right?

370. - See ya later. - See ya.

371. - So what sort of sex do you like? - Quick.

372. - Quick? - Yeah.

373. Go on.

374. Nearly. Better luck next time. Farewell!

375. See you later, buddy.

376. Everyone seems to be having fun.

377. - Yeah, lovely day out, innit? - It really is.

378. Here he is. Knobby the Dickhead Elf. What you come as?

379. - A jester. - Jester?

380. More like a fucking molester.

381. Jester Molester!

382. Fucking Santa's little cunt.

383. Leave him alone, mate.

384. Oh.

385. Kiddy-fiddler on the roof's piped up, inn't he?

386. Fucking hell. You're telling us to leave kids alone?

387. - You should've left them alone. - You little fucking nuisance.

388. - You pig! - You nuisance.

389. Listen, stick your arse in his face, Nonce. Go on.

390. - No, don't stick your arse... - Look at this. Human centipede!

391. Listen, I'll get 'round here and bum him, turn him into a fucking human bentipede.

392. Oh, he likes that.

393. Clean that up. You hungry? I had sweetcorn for lunch.

394. - Really? I wish I was dead. - I wish you were dead and all, darlin'.

395. Fucking hell. Show us your feet. I'm almost there.

396. That's enough, boys. Leave him alone.

397. Fucking hell. It's fucking dumb and dumber, innit?

398. Come again, mush?

399. Fuck it. They got buy one, get ten free on the fucking doughnuts, hey, son?

400. Ooh.

401. You bring it on yourself.

402. Bloody hell, that's awful.

403. Got it.

404. Thank you.

405. Time and again throughout my miserable life,

406. I thought I'd reached my lowest ebb. I never have.

407. Ah.

408. Thousands of times I've thought, "The only way is up." Nope.

409. "Wrong again, Brian. We've got a surprise for you."

410. Surely giving the assistant manager of Tambury FC a blow job in a car park

411. is the depth of depravity?

412. No.

413. Getting bummed

414. in front of my ex-wife and the whole town is.

415. And then Micky the Gypsy comes in, who's actually shagging my ex-wife,

416. and he saves the day.

417. Tell me a joke.

418. Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

419. - Dunno. - She had no arms.

420. That's... That was funny.

421. - Really? - Yeah.

422. Oh, cheers.

423. You've got, like,

424. shit on you.

425. - Um, yeah. - Tomato.

426. Yeah.

427. - Do you want to get a coffee? - Yeah.

428. Yeah.

429. I'll pay.

430. - Good. - Come on, then.

431. Okay.

432. - Are they nice? - What do you mean?

433. Well, they're not here 'cause they're bad?

434. There are no bad dogs, just bad owners.

435. You like having a dog, don't you?

436. She saved my life.

437. She knows when I'm sad.

438. I mean, I'm always sad, so it's hard for her to be wrong, but...

439. At night, when I'm drinking,

440. she's right there,

441. on duty.

442. She recognizes Lisa on video as well.

443. And we sit there missing her, but at least we're missing her together.

444. I don't believe in a soul, but

445. if there is such a thing, dogs have got one.

446. - Oh. - Oh. He likes you.

447. - Does he? - Oh yeah.

448. Can I keep him?

449. Well, yeah.

450. Pending a home visit and a few details.

451. I'll do it.

452. Um, is she all right? She's not unstable?

453. Just a bit lonely.

454. We just need to make sure the dog goes to a good home.

455. She's fine. Remember, there are no bad dogs, just bad owners.

456. If you treat a dog bad and show 'em no love, that's what they act like.

457. If you show 'em kindness and hope, they're fine.

458. - It's the same with people. - What do they eat?

459. Anything. Slippers, sticks, toys, vomit.

460. And dog food.

461. It's easy.

462. All right?

463. - Hiya. - What are you up to?

464. Kath's adopting a dog.

465. - Dogs don't usually like me. - Why?

466. - Well, my job. - What's your job?

467. Postman.

468. Oh.

469. - You? - I sell advertising.

470. Oh, nice.

471. So...

472. I'll, uh, see you later.

473. - See you. - See ya.

474. Come in, Tony!