1. Well, he came to the door
Copy !req
2. and said he was doing security checks
on vulnerable people like myself.
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3. And did you ask for ID?
Copy !req
4. No! Well, he was in uniform.
Helmet and everything.
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5. - Oh, am I stupid?
- No, no, not at all.
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6. Then he came in,
and I made him a cup of tea.
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7. And he was asking about burglar alarms,
but I said I didn't have one.
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8. Locks on doors.
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9. He was very convincing,
and he really knew his stuff.
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10. Then he asked me
where I kept my jewelry and valuables.
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11. I said I didn't really have
anything of value,
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12. but I had been saving up
out of my pension for a couple of years,
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13. and I had about £500
in the biscuit barrel.
Copy !req
14. And he asked me to show him, so I did.
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15. And he said, "That's good.
They probably wouldn't look in there."
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16. We went back in the living room,
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17. and he asked to use the toilet,
and he must have come in here and...
Copy !req
18. - Yeah. And, uh, are you insured?
- No.
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19. I won't get it back
even if they catch him.
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20. He's probably spent it on drugs.
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21. Probably.
Copy !req
22. Um, you reported it to the police though?
Copy !req
23. Yes, and they confirmed
he wasn't a real policeman,
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24. because they said there is no officer
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25. with a "Made in Britain" tattoo
across his forehead.
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26. - A "Made in Britain" tattoo on his head?
- Yes.
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27. - Take a picture.
- Yeah.
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28. Oh, I'm so stupid.
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29. You're not stupid.
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30. - The world's a fucked-up place.
- Smile.
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31. Life really is unfair, isn't it?
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32. Old people shouldn't feel ashamed
'cause they get conned by fucking scum.
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33. I'll pop in here and get summat.
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34. - See you later.
- See you later.
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35. Brought your chess set, Dad.
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36. - Oh, you remembered!
- One of us has got to.
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37. - Got to what?
- Remember.
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38. Remember what?
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39. Fucking hell.
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40. - You all right?
- Yeah.
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41. My birthday today.
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42. - Is it?
- Mm-hmm.
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43. You didn't warn me.
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44. - It's no big deal.
- Do you want to go for a drink later?
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45. You don't have to.
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46. What, are you my sponsor?
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47. Okay. Well, if you're not busy.
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48. Never busy. Look.
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49. - No segregation on this board.
- Shh!
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50. - Oh.
- Please. I'm trying to concentrate.
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51. Oh. Um...
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52. No. There's someone there.
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53. Oh, doesn't...
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54. - That better? That please you?
- Yeah.
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55. Off you go!
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56. Your move!
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57. Well, I'll probably start with this one.
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58. Aw.
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59. That is just ridiculous.
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60. Here's some water.
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61. All right. Come on in.
Oi, shush, all of ya!
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62. Right, we're all here.
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63. Tambury Fair, the big one.
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64. I'll be emceeing the whole event.
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65. I've got me costume and everything.
Leather pants and a whip.
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66. - What are you going as?
- Slave trader.
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67. It was quite big round here
back in the day.
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68. Now, we got one of them things
with a target.
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69. And you hit it with a ball,
and then it dunks a witch in the water.
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70. - June's gonna be our witch, aren't you?
- Yeah. Love witches. Hmm.
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71. Now, we need a volunteer
to stand in the stocks,
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72. and you get pelted with tomatoes
and rotten eggs and stuff like that.
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73. - James.
- No. I'm not doing it.
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74. It's for charity.
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75. Yeah, but anyone can do that.
I'm a skilled performer.
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76. Oh bless.
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77. Right, skilled performer,
what are you gonna be, then?
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78. It's gotta be something classic
from hundreds of years ago.
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79. Uh...
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80. - What about a hillock?
- Perfect.
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81. What's a hillock?
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82. It's like an old-fashioned thing,
isn't it? I don't know.
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83. - Like a little hill.
- How can I be a hill?
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84. Well, we lay you down,
we cover you in mud and turf...
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85. Put some little flowers on.
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86. Put some little lovely flowers
around you. It'll look lovely.
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87. And then people will go by and go,
"Oh, look, it's a hillock!"
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88. I'm not gonna be a fucking hillock!
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89. Language!
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90. No. No, no, I can't believe
that's your idea for me!
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91. You're supposed to be my agent.
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92. I know you can't get me real work. I mean,
that's obviously out of the question.
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93. But to suggest
that you cover me in mud in public?
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94. Unbelievable.
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95. Sorry you had to hear that, everyone.
He's like a wild bull at the minute.
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96. - He's... He's constipated.
- No excuse!
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97. And you're wrong, actually, James.
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98. Because I have found work for you.
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99. - I was gonna tell you about it later.
- Right. What?
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100. Have you seen a show
called The Undatables?
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101. No. What is it?
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102. Well, people go on dates, and they see
if they get along. It's lovely.
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103. A reality show?
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104. Yes, but it's brilliant!
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105. It's not a professional acting job, is it?
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106. Ah, well, that's the clever bit, right?
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107. 'Cause it's for people
who can't normally get dates,
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108. you know, because they're disabled
or disfigured or something.
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109. - So how does that apply to me?
- Well, I told them about your shape.
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110. - Of course.
- But that wasn't enough.
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111. So I said...
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112. "He's mentally retarded."
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113. Fucking hell!
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114. What?
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115. I'm not going on
a fucking reality dating show,
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116. pretending to be mentally disabled,
just 'cause you can't get me any work.
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117. I cannot win, can I? It is work.
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118. It is not work!
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119. It's pretending to be disabled.
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120. Acting is pretending!
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121. What did you even say was wrong with me?
Huh?
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122. Well, I didn't go into specifics, did I?
This is every actor's dream!
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123. Look at Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot.
Fuck me, what was up with him?
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124. - Dunno.
- No one cared.
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125. Rain Man. What was that little twat doing?
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126. It's not hard!
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127. - Forget it.
- You're an actor!
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128. Forget it. It's offensive.
You're offensive.
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129. I'll do it.
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130. It wouldn't be the same with you, Brian.
You actually are a bit mental.
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131. Fair point.
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132. Uh, I've got a package for Kath.
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133. - Yeah, I'll sign for it.
- I'll sign for it if you want.
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134. - It's all right. I've got it.
- I'm Kath.
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135. You ride a motorbike?
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136. No, I just get very nervous on the bus.
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137. Oh.
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138. - Very funny.
- I ride a Honda.
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139. All right. Sweet, man.
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140. - You a journalist?
- For my sins.
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141. What does that mean?
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142. Nothing.
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143. Yeah, journalist.
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144. Well, I sell adverts
that go next to the journalism.
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145. Yeah, it's long hours,
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146. you know, but it's very rewarding.
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147. And, uh, I don't mind burning
the midnight oil 'cause I'm single.
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148. Young, free, and single.
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149. - Do you want to go for a drink sometime?
- Yes, please.
Copy !req
150. Hiya!
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151. - All right?
- Hiya.
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152. - Brought you some cake, darling.
- Ooh, thank you.
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153. - Bang goes the diet.
- Yeah.
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154. Won't be able to get in your wedding suit.
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155. I'll be all right. Making me own dress,
so I'll make it a bit bigger.
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156. Oh, making your own wedding dress?
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157. - Yeah, saving money, in't it?
- That's so sad.
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158. Why?
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159. Well, not having enough money
for the most important day of your life.
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160. I have got enough money,
which is hardly any.
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161. You don't need money if you've got love.
It's just a dress.
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162. - I haven't got money or love.
- Oh, everyone loves you, darling.
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163. What about me?
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164. Well, there's someone for everyone.
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165. Had a date with a teacher
who thought I was thick.
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166. Patronizing me about poetry,
slagging off Kipling.
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167. I love his cakes.
Have to have them at the wedding.
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168. If it makes you feel any better, maybe
he just pretended to think you were thick
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169. 'cause he didn't fancy you.
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170. - You'd know if he liked ya.
- How?
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171. You can feel it. He's not just polite.
He's considerate and caring.
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172. Shows an interest,
not just a courtesy either.
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173. There's a warmth that he can't help.
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174. Smiles when he looks at ya,
touches his hair.
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175. Picks something up for you,
not just say you've dropped it.
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176. Wants your hands to be close.
Copy !req
177. So next date,
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178. see if he smiles, touches his hair,
and picks up any chips you drop.
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179. Lenny told me
about the life insurance money.
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180. Right.
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181. He hasn't cashed it. He don't want it
under these circumstances.
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182. Oh my God, that's so romantic.
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183. Well, it is, but the money's
not symbolic of Lisa, darling.
Copy !req
184. Money's just spending tokens.
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185. Lisa was a beautiful person
who you spent your life with.
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186. She lives in your heart.
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187. She only took out the life insurance
so you didn't have to worry about stuff.
Copy !req
188. Take it from the insurance company
at least. Enjoy it.
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189. Blow it at a casino if you have to.
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190. But if you don't spend it,
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191. Lisa wasted her time.
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192. I want you to live, Tony.
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193. Not just not kill yourself
or wait patiently for death,
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194. but live.
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195. Live your life as if there's no tomorrow
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196. and then you wake up and there is
a tomorrow and you do it again.
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197. Hmm.
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198. It doesn't matter what you do
so long as you live your life to the full
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199. and enjoy every second of it.
Copy !req
200. And if you don't think it's worth trying,
why should I?
Copy !req
201. I used to sit on this bench every day,
Copy !req
202. by myself,
Copy !req
203. hoping that someone would come along
who would understand.
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204. And it was you.
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205. You were in the same boat as me.
You'd lost someone.
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206. Well, it's a graveyard,
so the chances are...
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207. You see, you still think and listen
and make people laugh,
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208. make them feel they're worth something,
worth listening to.
Copy !req
209. I just want you to find something that
makes you want to get up in the morning.
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210. I'm still going.
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211. I know I'll never replace Stan,
but I'm not gonna throw in the towel,
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212. and the only thing that's worrying me now
is you not being happy.
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213. It's all about hope.
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214. Hmm.
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215. You're allowed to
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216. miss Lisa and grieve and feel angry.
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217. But I can't bear
the thought of you having no hope.
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218. That's the saddest thing
in the world to me.
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219. Giving in.
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220. Please,
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221. tell me you have hope.
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222. I do.
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223. But
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224. I'll never find anyone to replace Lisa.
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225. And I've realized I...
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226. I don't want to.
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227. But I do wanna find a reason to live.
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228. That's not out of the question.
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229. Blimey, you work fast, don't you?
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230. What do you mean?
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231. Well, you know, just met and you're like,
"Wanna go for a drink?"
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232. I thought
that's what you wanted me to say.
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233. Right.
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234. Oh, whoops.
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235. Have you got Parkinson's?
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236. No.
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237. - Emma?
- Yes?
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238. It's Jack.
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239. Jack... Jack! Oh my God!
Copy !req
240. - I'm so sorry. It's been so long.
- Yeah.
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241. Well, 30 years. Yeah.
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242. I mean, look. I used to have hair.
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243. - You did!
- Yeah.
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244. So how are you?
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245. Yeah, you know.
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246. Yeah. Yeah.
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247. - You married? You got kids or anything?
- No, nope, none of that.
Copy !req
248. You? Are you...
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249. Me? No, no, I'm divorced. No kids.
So, um, complete loser.
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250. Oh. Pfft.
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251. And what do you do now?
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252. I'm a nurse in a care home.
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253. Oh.
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254. Yeah, perfect.
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255. You?
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256. Uh, I import wine.
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257. Oh, perfect.
Copy !req
258. We should hook up.
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259. - Uh...
- Oh, don't worry.
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260. I shall give you my number.
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261. - There you go. That's me.
- Cheers.
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262. - It was so lovely to see you again.
- You too.
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263. All right.
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264. You can't have beer before playing squash.
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265. Course you can. Go on.
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266. - You're bringing it with you?
- Yeah, in case I get thirsty.
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267. Unbelievable.
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268. Oh my... Hello.
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269. - Hiya.
- That stinks. Oh my God.
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270. Right.
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271. Oh.
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272. Ah.
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273. - Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.
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274. - Love all.
- Tits!
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275. Okay, let.
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276. - Oh, is that...
- Let.
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277. You can't shout "tits" before a serve.
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278. - What if I've got Tourette's?
- You...
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279. It'd explain a lot actually.
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280. Oh, come off it.
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281. - Oh.
- Come on!
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282. How are you doing this?
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283. You didn't even run for that.
You knackered?
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284. I had to go round you.
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285. - Right.
- Long journey.
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286. No! How are you...
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287. - Oh my...
- Unlucky!
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288. Oh no!
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289. Go on! Run!
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290. Unlucky!
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291. - Oh, will you just...
- Unlucky!
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292. Unlucky!
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293. Ooh!
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294. - Will you stop shouting, please?
- Unlucky.
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295. It's like playing with a wild pig.
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296. - Why didn't you go for it?
- I didn't know where it was going.
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297. All right, I'll tell you
where I'm gonna put it.
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298. It's down there! It's over there!
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299. Over there!
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300. Unlucky!
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301. Watch the wall.
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302. Go on, over there!
Copy !req
303. - Is that helping or not?
- No, it's not helping.
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304. - Okay.
- Assume nothing is helping.
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305. - Okay. Okay.
- Just be quiet.
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306. Ah.
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307. This is ridiculous.
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308. - Yeah, all right.
- It's fizzy, innit?
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309. Is it?
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310. Oh my God.
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311. Oh, fuck.
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312. - I feel sick.
- Absolutely gross.
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313. Oh my God. Come on.
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314. Oh my God!
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315. Ah.
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316. - I mean, that's disgusting.
- What?
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317. What?
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318. What you...
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319. Don't slip on it.
Copy !req
320. What are you saying?
It's in the middle of the court!
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321. How am I not gonna
fucking slip on it, Tony?
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322. Honestly, it's...
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323. It's... Ugh. Ah.
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324. - What's the matter?
- Ah.
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325. Just breathe.
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326. Oh no.
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327. Oh no.
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328. Oh no.
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329. Go on.
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330. What?
Copy !req
331. Laugh.
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332. Why would I laugh?
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333. It's nothing. It was just
a little warning. I'm fine.
Copy !req
334. - How have I got a weaker heart than you?
- It's classic.
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335. - You're all pent up.
- I'm all pent up?
Copy !req
336. You're like a ball of fury all the time!
Copy !req
337. Calm down. Breathe.
Copy !req
338. Yeah. Very funny.
Copy !req
339. You've got all the same stress
and anger as me,
Copy !req
340. but I shout at people
and call them cunts and smash things up.
Copy !req
341. You keep it all in.
It's gotta go somewhere.
Copy !req
342. It's not fair.
Copy !req
343. No. Life's not fair.
Copy !req
344. And then you die.
Copy !req
345. I don't smoke. I watch what I eat.
Copy !req
346. I do yoga, Pilates, stretching.
Copy !req
347. - I hardly ever drink booze.
- Exactly.
Copy !req
348. And this is a punishment for all that.
Copy !req
349. Seriously, though, you don't have to have
the weight of the world on your shoulders,
Copy !req
350. always trying to please people.
Copy !req
351. You know, they'll be fine
if you tell 'em to fuck off now and again.
Copy !req
352. You worry about everything.
Copy !req
353. At work, at home, social occasions.
Copy !req
354. You worry about me.
Copy !req
355. All this was to help me,
and look where it got ya.
Copy !req
356. I know I stole
all the sympathy for Lisa dying.
Copy !req
357. She was your big sister.
Copy !req
358. And I think you couldn't afford
to have your breakdown because of me.
Copy !req
359. You couldn't grieve because
you were worried about what I'd do next.
Copy !req
360. So...
Copy !req
361. thanks for that.
Copy !req
362. Oh.
Copy !req
363. And you're such a feeble
little fucking pussy at sport.
Copy !req
364. There we go. Good.
Copy !req
365. Well, thanks for your kind words, Tony.
I think I counted about three in there.
Copy !req
366. I'm just glad
we're only related by marriage
Copy !req
367. because I'd be embarrassed
Copy !req
368. to share actual genetic material
with such a mutant weakling.
Copy !req
369. Yeah, lovely, this is helping.
Copy !req
370. We've got to build you up, do you know
what I mean? But slowly and carefully.
Copy !req
371. Squash is way too dangerous for someone
that modern medicine refers to as "puny."
Copy !req
372. Let's start on something
like flower arranging
Copy !req
373. and work our way up to hopscotch.
Copy !req
374. - Will you keep the dress afterwards?
- It's not a dress. It's a gown.
Copy !req
375. A gown is a dress.
It's a little lady's dress.
Copy !req
376. They put you in something
they thought you'd like to wear.
Copy !req
377. - Want me to have another heart attack?
- No, they weren't sure.
Copy !req
378. If you keep doing this, it will be murder.
Copy !req
379. They said, "It's a lady, isn't it?
Check the genitals." Still no clue.
Copy !req
380. Put it in a dress.
Did they give you a smear test?
Copy !req
381. They might as well while they're here.
Copy !req
382. - They need to test everything because...
- Can you... I've just had a heart attack!
Copy !req
383. - Stop making me stressed!
- Calm down.
Copy !req
384. Calm down? If I have another one,
it'll be your fault.
Copy !req
385. How dare you, madam?
Copy !req
386. - Have you not got somewhere else to be?
- I have, actually.
Copy !req
387. - Great.
- I'm going out for a drink.
Copy !req
388. I can still do that.
I've got a good heart. I can enjoy myself.
Copy !req
389. Okay. See you tomorrow.
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390. - Hopefully not.
- Wow. Don't say that.
Copy !req
391. See you later.
Copy !req
392. You look down, boy.
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393. Yeah.
Copy !req
394. Need some advice
from a dude who's been there, done that?
Copy !req
395. I'm not gonna make it in showbiz.
It just doesn't happen to people like me.
Copy !req
396. - Fat people?
- No!
Copy !req
397. I mean ordinary people
who live in small towns
Copy !req
398. with the worst agent in the world
whose idea of a big break
Copy !req
399. is pretending to be disabled
on a reality show.
Copy !req
400. I think you might be right, mate.
Copy !req
401. That's a first.
Copy !req
402. - Wish I was wrong in this case.
- Ah, spot on, son.
Copy !req
403. Who cares anyway?
Copy !req
404. Huh?
Copy !req
405. Got everything you need right here.
Copy !req
406. Tambury's a lovely town.
Copy !req
407. Hmm?
Copy !req
408. Easy job. Nice mum.
Copy !req
409. - Great friend. You.
- Back at you, boy.
Copy !req
410. Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
411. Why do you wanna be a fake wannabe anyway?
Copy !req
412. Huh?
Copy !req
413. Showbiz-shmobiz, isn't it?
Copy !req
414. All bloody pedos anyway.
Copy !req
415. I know the score, mate.
Copy !req
416. You thought if you were famous,
people would respect you more.
Copy !req
417. I guess you're right.
Copy !req
418. Works for some,
but when you're a proper loser like us,
Copy !req
419. soon comes out and you're even worse off.
Copy !req
420. Because at the moment, you're a loser,
but the world doesn't know about it.
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421. - Good point.
- Hmm.
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422. You don't need the adoration of strangers.
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423. You've got people who like you
for who you really are.
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424. - Yeah.
- Mmm.
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425. Mum says you can't expect other people
to love you until you love yourself.
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426. Hmm.
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427. - Wise woman, your mum.
- She is.
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428. If it wasn't for Lenny,
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429. I'd hit her little ass
like a ginger stepchild.
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430. Huh.
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431. Hey?
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432. - Cheers, mate.
- Yeah. Love you loads.
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433. - And you.
- Yeah.
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434. Oh, fucking hell.
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435. - What?
- This is depressing, innit?
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436. None taken.
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437. Do you know I work
with lonely, old people every day,
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438. and I think I could quite honestly say
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439. that... they're probably happier than I am.
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440. No! Sorry, did that sound a bit pathetic?
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441. No. It's funny.
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442. I'm always the one who does the overtime,
who covers for everybody's holidays
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443. because I figure
that it's less depressing than actually
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444. being at home by myself.
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445. And then you came in
like a little breath of fresh air.
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446. Sorry. Um...
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447. Listen,
I know you're still in love with Lisa.
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448. I know you are,
and I know you always will be.
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449. And I think that's why I'm able
to just sort of sit here and just...
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450. Like, pour my heart out,
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451. you know,
without any weird complications or...
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452. - Definitely.
- Yeah.
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453. - I just think I sort of wasted my life.
- You haven't.
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454. And I know that's not a reason
for you to care.
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455. I do care.
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456. No, I know you care,
but not, you know, care.
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457. I just think that it's not a reason
for you to be with me.
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458. No, I know.
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459. But I do care about you.
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460. And I want you to be happy.
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461. Well, I actually bumped into an old flame
earlier today, so...
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462. Who's that?
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463. Uh, it was someone I went to college with.
A long time ago, obviously.
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464. He went off, did his thing,
and I stayed here and did my thing.
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465. Hmm.
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466. Anyway, uh,
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467. he said that we should hook up.
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468. So, hmm.
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469. You should.
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470. Yeah? Should I?
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471. Definitely.
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472. I want you to be happy.
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473. Like I was.
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474. Just glad you're better.
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475. I know, and...
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476. Happy birthday!
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477. Thank you.
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478. - Cheers.
- Hey!
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479. Hey!
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480. - Oh fuck.
- It's kicking off now, innit?
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481. Good girl.
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482. Hello.
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483. Come on!
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484. Yeah.
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485. - Oh, don't disturb her.
- I won't.
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