1. - Boing.
- Boing.
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2. - Boing.
- Hang on.
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3. Boing!
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4. Boing!
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5. - Do you think she likes it?
- Boing!
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6. Yeah.
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7. - Look at her face.
- Boing!
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8. - Oh, I want a dog.
- No.
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9. Yeah, let's get a dog.
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10. No, because they don't live that long,
do they?
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11. - Then it's really sad...
- What?
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12. Sorry, Brandy, but it's true that...
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13. you know, it's just incredibly upsetting
when dogs die.
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14. Yeah, I mean...
Which brings me to my next point, Dad.
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15. It's getting to that time when we need
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16. to start thinking
about your funeral, mate.
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17. Leave him alone! You've got 20 years, Ray.
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18. - I hope not.
- What sort of a question is that?
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19. Well, we need to know, don't we?
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20. Well, what about you?
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21. Don't care. You?
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22. I wanna be buried in the churchyard.
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23. And then people can bring flowers
every day and cry.
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24. For the first couple of days maybe.
Then it's, "Oh, fuck it, it's raining."
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25. - That's nice.
- Cremated.
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26. See? Yeah. Exactly.
No fuss. Not selfish.
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27. And I want you to scatter my ashes
in Midlake, where I met your mum.
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28. Yeah, I'm not going all the way
to Midlake just for that, I'll be honest.
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29. - It's only an hour or so drive.
- Yeah, I don't drive, do I?
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30. Well, it's my last request!
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31. So? Okay, I'll say yes now,
but then you won't know, will you?
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32. - I just won't bother when it comes to it.
- Where in Midlake, Ray?
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33. Uh, The Traveler's Friend.
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34. A lovely old pub.
I proposed there as well.
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35. - It's probably a phone shop now.
- What do you think about that?
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36. Your only son won't drive up the road
to scatter your ashes.
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37. - He'll do it. He's a good boy.
- Aw.
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38. Oh, hi. You all right?
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39. What do you think?
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40. - No?
- Correct.
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41. It's getting too much. What can I do?
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42. I dunno. You knew what she did
for a living. You were all right with it.
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43. But I didn't think she'd still be doing it
when we became an item.
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44. Doesn't happen in the movies, does it?
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45. Richard Gere doesn't turn up
in a white limousine
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46. and climb up the fire escape
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47. and Julia Roberts says,
"Oh, can you give us a sec?"
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48. "I'm just sucking off Bobby Chang,
the dry cleaner."
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49. - How do you know she sucked him off?
- Oh, he told me.
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50. He didn't know she was my missus.
I didn't say anything. I just felt sick.
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51. I was in shock.
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52. I just feel so depressed.
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53. - Well, maybe you should talk to her.
- I can't! I feel stupid.
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54. Why don't you talk to her?
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55. No, definitely not!
I haven't seen her for ages.
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56. She doesn't come around now.
I assumed she was busy.
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57. Oh yeah, she's busy all right.
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58. Sure.
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59. - Well, you should talk to someone.
- I am.
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60. - I'm not qualified...
- Yes, you are.
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61. You were depressed
and suicidal, weren't you?
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62. - You're not suicidal, are you?
- No, couldn't be arsed.
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63. - Good.
- Come on, help us out. It's your fault!
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64. Oh, right.
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65. Oh, please?
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66. Let me have a think. Fuck's sake!
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67. Go on.
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68. - Hi.
- Hi.
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69. Um,
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70. I've decided to go on a little trip
to scatter my dad's ashes.
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71. Oh, that's sweet. Where?
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72. Um, a little village
where he proposed to Mum.
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73. His last wish and all that.
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74. My ashes?
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75. No, not your ashes.
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76. You're not dead yet, are you?
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77. Also, you're not my dad, remember?
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78. Uh, am I adopted?
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79. Fuck me, it's like I've got a replacement.
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80. That would probably work out quite well
'cause his own son never sees him.
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81. Barely had time to stick him in here
before he emigrated to Australia.
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82. - Yeah?
- Okay?
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83. - Oh.
- Life's cruel.
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84. Drink it up, then. Yeah.
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85. Hey. Hey. Hmm.
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86. Okay?
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87. That was touch and go.
Like a goldfish on the carpet.
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88. - Where?
- No, there's no...
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89. There we go.
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90. How's your new place?
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91. Uh, well, I'm grateful to Ken.
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92. But, like, you know, he's not charging me,
and it is better than living at home, but
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93. he keeps coming round looking for me.
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94. Honestly, I hear him on the stairs
and I just freeze,
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95. and then he tries the door
and then I'm just...
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96. I've started staying quiet until
he goes away. I'm living like Anne Frank.
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97. You'll find somewhere better.
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98. Hmm.
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99. Hello, darling.
I'm Ratty. This is the Nonce.
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100. All right? We're here about a story.
We do a podcast.
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101. - Oy, oy. Here he is.
- Hey! Hey!
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102. Remember us, son?
You want to cover our story in your paper.
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103. We do a podcast with your ex-shrink,
you fucking psycho!
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104. You're psychiatrists?
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105. No, not us! No, we're in finance.
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106. But the thing we share is that we're men,
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107. and we're proud of it.
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108. And that's what the podcast is all about.
It's just encouraging men to be men.
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109. Although it is inclusive.
We do get some birds listening in.
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110. Mainly ones that are sick of all
this fucking new man bollocks.
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111. But we just want to help the world man up.
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112. Listen.
We talk about it all day. Why don't we...
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113. Get it out!
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114. We'll broadcast on Twitter
and show you how we do the work.
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115. This is exciting.
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116. Send out a notification
to the followers.
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117. - Get on the live and here we go.
- Tell them we're here.
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118. Hello, you fucking shits!
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119. You dickheads!
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120. We're here at The Tambury Gazette
doing an interview.
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121. Say hello, darling. Go on.
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122. I'd rather not.
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123. Oh, she's shy! But that's all right.
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124. We're just doing this as a test.
Main broadcast tonight.
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125. - Testing. Testing my testicles!
- Testing one, two, three.
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126. Testing my testicles all over.
Oh my God, they're so full!
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127. They're so full of jizz.
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128. Ooh.
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129. Done a sex wee, all in your in-tray!
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130. Tested my testes all over your nan!
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131. I was all like, "Crack, crack, crack,"
right in her fucking mooey.
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132. She was like,
"Oh, thanks, darling. I needed that."
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133. "What you been eating?"
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134. Don't worry about that, Nana.
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135. Don't slip over
on all that hairy monkey slosh plop.
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136. - As for you, gammon_69...
- Okay, guys. Guys! Okay, that's enough.
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137. - Come on. This is an office.
- "Guys, this is an office!"
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138. Fucking hell, Prince Andrew's kicking off,
isn't he?
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139. You fucking rotter!
Get back in your fucking box!
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140. - I'm only fucking about.
- He's just taking the piss. Don't worry.
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141. Ratty and the Nonce Podcast. Namaste.
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142. Health and well-being section, yeah?
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143. Um, I'll get that written up.
Thanks for the scoop. Cheers, boys.
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144. I was that close
to getting a bit physical there.
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145. But violence isn't the answer, so,
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146. definitely not, no.
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147. - Getting the hang of how things work?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so. Getting there.
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148. Come through.
There's a bit more space in here.
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149. Ooh. Has one of you pumped?
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150. - No, that's the house.
- Oh.
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151. Brian smells the same.
You can sniff him. He smells the same.
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152. Oh, yeah.
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153. - That's your smell, innit?
- Yes.
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154. Yeah. Sort of like poo and wee and sweat.
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155. And fear and shame.
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156. Mainly shit.
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157. - Whatever works for you, mate.
- Cheers.
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158. Hmm.
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159. Do you mind if I clear
all this junk up, Brian?
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160. Yeah, go for it.
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161. Do you mind if I don't watch?
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162. Bit emotional.
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163. Right.
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164. - Let's get crackin'.
- Yeah.
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165. - Tired?
- A little bit.
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166. I won't take long. Um...
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167. So,
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168. when did you get banned
from the all-you-can-eat buffet?
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169. Last month.
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170. Still angry about it.
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171. - Sure. And what reason did they give?
- Oh, they were perfectly honest.
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172. They said I was putting them
out of business.
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173. They'd never seen anything like it.
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174. I mean, they'd given me a few warnings
for eating too much, but
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175. I said, "How can I eat too much
if it's all I can eat'?"
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176. Mm.
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177. Good point. And, uh, how often did you go?
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178. Every day. Lunch and dinner.
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179. You went twice a day?
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180. No, just once, from lunch until dinner.
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181. Then I was full.
And I could hardly walk home some days.
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182. And so you went every day
for, what, six hours?
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183. Yeah, six or seven hours.
I wasn't eating the whole time.
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184. I mean, I'd fall asleep now and again, but
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185. I'd wake up if someone came
to clear my plate away.
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186. Right, and how much did it cost?
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187. Ten pounds per person per visit.
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188. That's why I went once and stayed.
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189. You know,
I was really getting my money's worth.
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190. I mean, most people can manage
two or three slices of pizza
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191. and a couple of portions of pasta,
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192. but pizza's mostly bread
and pasta costs nothing,
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193. so that's how the restaurant
makes its profits.
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194. I would get 20 or 30 slices of pizza,
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195. scrape off the toppings.
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196. I'd leave the base.
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197. Decoy.
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198. Same with the spaghetti Bolognese.
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199. I'd make about 15 trips,
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200. and I'd pick all the meat
out of the spaghetti.
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201. Was left with about five pounds of beef.
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202. I had all the time in the world.
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203. - You don't work?
- No.
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204. Took early retirement
to get disability benefits.
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205. Oh, um, if you don't mind me asking,
um, what's wrong with you?
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206. Well, look at me.
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207. I'm absolutely fucked.
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208. Where exactly is this place?
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209. - Just take a picture.
- Yeah? Okay.
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210. Smile.
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211. Great.
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212. That annoyed me.
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213. - Because he's greedy?
- No.
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214. Well, yeah, he is greedy, obviously.
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215. But he's right.
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216. They're building their brand
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217. on the promise
that you can eat as much as you want.
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218. A babyccino afterwards?
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219. You can't suddenly renege on the deal
'cause someone eats too much or too often
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220. or you've got to change the rules.
For everyone though.
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221. - Be upfront.
- The quinoa?
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222. - You love your quinoa.
- There's no honor anymore.
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223. Have you done a big, farmyard poo?
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224. - Oh, for fuck's sake.
- You okay?
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225. - Yeah, why?
- You just said, "For fuck's sake," so...
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226. And you assumed summat had annoyed me?
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227. - Like someone making unnecessary noise?
- Oh shit.
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228. He's a baby.
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229. Yeah, but he's not the one
making all the noise, is he? You are.
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230. To keep him amused. 'Cause if he
was crying, that would annoy people.
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231. No, 'cause he's a baby. You making
all the noise is the annoying bit.
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232. They're sounds.
They shouldn't concern you.
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233. You talk to your friend.
I talk to my child.
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234. But you can't hear
every word I'm saying, can you?
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235. So what? There's noise around.
That's life.
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236. Okay. Good point.
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237. Who's a noisy prick?
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238. - You are! You big annoying prick!
- Well, that's pathetic.
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239. - Sorry, I'm talking to a friend.
- Saying things others don't want to hear.
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240. So are you, but you don't care, so...
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241. Yeah! You're a big, loud cock.
Yes, you are!
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242. You're a hipster,
gnome-looking fucking twat!
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243. You big, annoying, loud cock in public!
You are.
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244. You're a cunt. You are.
You are. You're a cunt!
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245. I'm gonna...
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246. Big belly! You cunt!
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247. You big fucking cunt!
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248. You big fucking cunt!
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249. They're just sounds.
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250. I'll tell you what, I'll drive you
to the table tennis, and we'll go together
Copy !req
251. - to Midlake.
- Okay.
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252. - It'll be fun.
- All right.
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253. We'll do sort of a road trip.
Get some snacks and CDs. It'll be great.
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254. - Yeah. Cheers.
- Okay, good.
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255. Well, that's the rest of my day sorted.
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256. I'm playing him at table tennis,
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257. and then he's driving me to Midlake
to scatter my dad's ashes.
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258. Sounds like quite an exciting day.
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259. Yeah.
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260. Fucking hell.
What a bunch of losers we are.
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261. - Speak for yourself.
- Well, I was.
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262. But also for anyone else
who's a loser like me.
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263. Matt thinks he's adventurous
'cause he owns a cagoule.
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264. Lenny gets excited if he finds
an uneaten biscuit in his pocket. Come on.
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265. You're right. I've absolutely
nothing interesting in my life.
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266. Well, that's not true.
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267. Got a pretend boyfriend. I hate my job.
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268. I'd rather do what you do,
but I've lost my nerve.
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269. Yeah, I can't date anymore.
All the best men are taken.
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270. You know, or gay or mental.
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271. I made a list for my perfect bloke.
How tragic is that?
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272. Oh, yeah, I've done that. What's on yours?
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273. Own car, house, own business, no kids.
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274. Smart, you know, proper bloke.
What was on yours?
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275. Must have a face and a cock.
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276. Kath. Fancy a coffee?
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277. Yeah.
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278. I can't be bothered anymore.
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279. I mean, what's the point, eh?
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280. Yeah, I know how you feel.
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281. Oh.
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282. Excuse me?
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283. - Kath.
- What?
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284. What?
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285. I thought you were gonna ask my name.
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286. - Why?
- Yeah, why?
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287. Don't know.
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288. - Uh, do you have any change?
- Oh, I don't have any money.
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289. I mean, I've got money.
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290. I've got a good job.
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291. I just left it at work.
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292. Right. Okay.
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293. You married?
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294. - Uh, no.
- Girlfriend?
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295. - No.
- Gay?
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296. - No.
- Name?
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297. - Charles.
- Charles.
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298. - You met Kath?
- Yeah.
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299. - Yep.
- Why would you think I'm gay?
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300. Why wouldn't I?
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301. - What?
- It doesn't matter. Either way.
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302. Would you like to go for a drink later?
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303. Yeah.
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304. Okay. Um, let me give you my card.
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305. Thank you.
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306. - Thanks.
- Bye.
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307. Bye.
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308. Oh, I could die.
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309. - Why?
- Of embarrassment! I was so uncool.
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310. - He liked you.
- No, he didn't!
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311. - He panicked and was polite.
- Lawyers don't panic.
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312. That's another thing. He's a lawyer!
He had the costume and everything.
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313. Oh. I can't tell him I work for a free
local paper. He'll think I'm a loser.
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314. None taken.
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315. Tell him you're
an investigative journalist.
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316. No, that'll frighten him.
He'll think I'm looking into him.
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317. What would a lawyer want me to be?
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318. A murderer.
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319. What?
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320. Just be yourself.
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321. Tell the truth.
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322. Always tell the truth.
Copy !req
323. This is even worse.
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324. What is?
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325. You sat there doing a fucking word search!
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326. Used to be porn, mate, stacked that high.
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327. Those days are gone.
Copy !req
328. Five years ago, I could've knocked one out
and got you right in the face.
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329. I've wasted my life.
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330. - Ready?
- Yeah.
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331. All right. Let's go.
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332. Oh.
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333. One, nil.
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334. Come on.
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335. Okay. All right, three, nil.
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336. - Oh, did that get a little nick on...
- No.
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337. - Ow. Ooh.
- Right in the bollocks!
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338. Okay.
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339. Oh.
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340. - Nineteen, two?
- Three!
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341. - Is it? Okay.
- Yeah.
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342. - Twenty, three.
- Yeah. Fine.
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343. Ugh.
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344. Good game.
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345. I mean, it wasn't athletic enough, really,
was it? Just...
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346. - You were just standing there.
- Yeah, hitting it back.
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347. Yeah, but you're not.
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348. - You're barely moving.
- Right.
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349. So I think we need to do something
a bit more sporty.
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350. - Okay.
- Um, like tennis or something.
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351. - Yeah, great.
- Good. Okay.
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352. 'Cause table tennis is just luck,
isn't it? It's like pinball.
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353. - Nah, that's enough of that.
- Put something you like on, then.
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354. Yeah. There's the challenge.
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355. Will Smith, Willennium.
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356. - Yes, as in the Millennium.
- Yeah, the last time anyone bought a CD.
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357. - Lighthouse Family.
- Good band.
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358. Love the Lighthouse Family.
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359. - Susan fucking Boyle?
- Yeah?
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360. What?
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361. - Out she goes.
- Hey! What are you doing?
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362. Did you... Not Bublé.
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363. Yes, Bublé.
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364. No! Are you mad?
You'll kill someone! Tony!
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365. - Radiohead.
- That's not mine.
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366. No, I know. It's good.
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367. It's Jill's.
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368. - Lisa got it for her.
- Did she?
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369. Yeah, she loved 'em.
Copy !req
370. - Cheers.
- Cheers.
Copy !req
371. Um, so you're a lawyer?
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372. Uh, yes, a barrister.
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373. - Right.
- You?
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374. No.
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375. - What?
- No, I'm... I'm not a barrister.
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376. Okay. Uh, what is your job?
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377. Oh, my job?
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378. Hmm.
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379. Um,
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380. okay, I... I'm not gonna lie.
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381. I'm
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382. a doctor.
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383. - Wow.
- Yeah.
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384. - You got a practice?
- No need! Done all that!
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385. Got my certificate and everything.
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386. What?
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387. What did you say?
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388. Oh, um, do you have a practice?
Are you a GP or a surgeon in a hospital?
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389. Oh, yeah.
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390. Um, I work in a hospital
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391. as a doctor.
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392. Right.
Copy !req
393. - Should we order?
- Yeah.
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394. Huh.
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395. I have lived a life, boy.
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396. - Yeah?
- Yes.
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397. Yeah, roller-coaster.
Copy !req
398. She was one hell of a woman, sexually.
Copy !req
399. A wild creature that could not be tamed.
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400. Great sex.
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401. Great sex.
Copy !req
402. I made a porno of her.
Copy !req
403. Right on this very carpet.
Copy !req
404. She said she wanted a threesome
with me and Roly Carter.
Copy !req
405. Absolute monster of a man.
Do you know him?
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406. - No.
- Six foot three.
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407. 280 lb. with his jewelry on.
Copy !req
408. I agreed.
Copy !req
409. Turns out she just wanted me
to hold the camcorder.
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410. Not a problem.
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411. "Whatever you want, my darling."
Copy !req
412. So she's on all fours
and he's round the back door,
Copy !req
413. doing her doggy style.
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414. I'm capturing the whole damn thing.
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415. She was absolutely fucking loving it.
I could see it in her eyes.
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416. And then Roly looks at me,
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417. out of the blue, straight down the lens,
and shakes his head,
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418. as if to say,
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419. "This is absolutely fucking awful."
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420. I didn't know
if he meant the quality of the production
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421. or the rough carpet on his knees. Turns
out he meant the smell of her growler.
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422. - Here we go.
- Thank you.
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423. Thanks.
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424. Lovely.
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425. Do you, uh... Do you get
a chance to cook much? In your...
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426. Oh, no. No, I'm rushed off my feet.
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427. Yeah.
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428. - Most days.
- Yeah.
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429. Yeah.
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430. I just have to get
frozen meals for one in.
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431. - Oh, that's so sad.
- Yeah.
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432. - Um, she's a doctor!
- Off duty!
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433. - What?
- I'm off duty.
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434. Okay.
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435. - That's it.
- She's fine. Thought so.
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436. Why didn't you help her?
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437. This place is amazing.
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438. Built in the 14th century or something?
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439. - I dunno.
- Oh.
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440. This must be the table he proposed at.
It was under the portrait of the Queen.
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441. - Really?
- Yeah, let's sit here.
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442. That's great.
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443. Wow.
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444. Think of all the people
that have been here.
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445. - Here's a good place.
- Okay.
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446. Um...
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447. What are you doing?
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448. I'm just sprinkling
a few of my dad's ashes.
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449. On the carpet?
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450. Yeah, it was his last request.
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451. Oh, was it? It's not him
who's gonna have to clear it up, is it?
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452. Mate, it's a silly little ritual. Okay?
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453. There's no harm.
I know they get cleared away. So...
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454. - It's vandalism.
- It's not vandalism, is it?
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455. - There's no damage.
- Littering, then.
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456. It's my dad's ashes, okay?
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457. He used to come here all the time.
It's my way of paying my respects.
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458. Well, sprinkle 'em in the bin.
What difference does it make?
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459. I'm sure he didn't specify
sprinkling them on the bloody carpet.
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460. No, but this is the table
he proposed to my mother at, okay?
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461. I recognize it from his description.
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462. It's dust, for Christ's sake!
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463. It's disgusting.
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464. - What about diseases?
- What diseases?
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465. - From dead bodies!
- It's not a dead body, is it?
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466. If I dragged him in from the morgue
and dumped him on the carpet,
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467. maybe you'd have every right
to be annoyed.
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468. Well, I do have every right.
I can do what I want. It's my pub.
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469. I can bar you, and I don't have to give
a reason. The two of you, out!
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470. Take your rubbish with you.
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471. Rubbish?
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472. Ugh. You stupid bastard!
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473. A bit went in my mouth!
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474. Good. I hope that was his cock,
you stupid cunt.
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475. Ugh.
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476. Ugh.
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477. "I hope that was his cock,
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478. you stupid cunt."
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479. Oh.
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