After Life 3x1

1. They do make it look easy, don't they, on the telly?

2. - On the Olympics? - Yeah.

3. Yeah. I don't think you'll make it this year.

4. - No? - No.

5. - Oh God. - Oh my God!

6. - Yeah. - We're just going around.

7. - People are looking. - They're not!

8. People are looking at me and going, "Aw."

9. No, they're looking at me and going, "Aw."

10. They're going, "Look at him. He's trying to help her, but she's..."

11. He's not trying to help her!

12. He's just laughing at her and filming her! That's not helping!

13. - Hi. - Hi.

14. The back door was open so I just came in.

15. - Good. Hungry? - Yes.

16. - Where do you wanna we go? - Somewhere quick.

17. - Got to be at work at 10:00. - Okay.

18. Do you want to go rowing sometime?

19. - Rowing? - Yes.

20. Just for a laugh, on the boating pond?

21. Boating pond? Why?

22. Don't know. I just thought it might be something you might quite like to do.

23. Not really.

24. See you later!

25. Come on, Em.

26. - Morning. - Morning.

27. You ready?

28. Oh, hold on.

29. You all right?

30. - What? - Sit down.

31. "What?" What kind of greeting is that? Hello.

32. - Wanna come over later... - No.

33. I haven't finished.

34. To the house for some dinner.

35. You could bring Emma. Do a foursome or something.

36. Me and Emma aren't a twosome.

37. That's fine. I just mean there'll be four of us.

38. Right. Well, I'll bring Brian, then, if it's purely mathematical.

39. God. Nothing is simple with you, is it?

40. Just bring your nice, platonic friend Emma.

41. We'll have a nice, grown-up time.

42. I'll be honest, it'd be good for us. Me and Jill.

43. It's fun having people over, isn't it? We don't get out much and...

44. Well, I think that was part of the problem with the little hiccup in our marriage.

45. What? Not having people over?

46. - No. You know what I mean. - No.

47. Okay, get this, yeah?

48. Jill thinks I'm not very adventurous. Can you believe that?

49. Yeah.

50. But seriously.

51. It's ridiculous. I've got two cagoules.

52. Why would I need those if I wasn't adventurous?

53. Or you could say, how adventurous is a man who doesn't like getting his hair wet?

54. I've been looking at camping gear.

55. - Wow. - I'm probably gonna buy those boots.

56. Come on, come over. Please.

57. Help me prove her wrong. I feel a bit misunderstood.

58. Go on Oprah.

59. Is there any way to prove her wrong without me being involved?

60. It's not a big deal! You don't even have to stay long.

61. Just you and Emma come over, we have some fun, done.

62. - Don't you have to warn Jill? - No, spontaneous.

63. I mean, I will call her now and tell her. Otherwise she'll get in a bit of a tizz.

64. She'll want to get ready and we don't usually do a big sit-down meal.

65. Eat before you come, and then we'll just, you know, have some drinks,

66. put on some tracks, have a few laughs.

67. There'll be no laughter.

68. 7:30?

69. I'm usually on my second bottle of wine by then.

70. Okay, perfect. You can drink it at my place.

71. - Right. - Yeah?

72. - Okay. - Great.

73. If Emma's up for it.

74. - Oh. - Thank you.

75. Oh fucking hell.

76. - I can hear you. - I know.

77. - Wait 'til you're out of the office to... - Come on.

78. What a shit day already.

79. - Hiya. - Hiya.

80. How's it going with your friend, Tony?

81. Hmm. Well, exactly that, really. We're just friends.

82. Even that's a bit tense at times, to be honest.

83. We haven't even taken a selfie together.

84. Oh.

85. Well, he must be mad not to pay you more attention.

86. Right.

87. I thought it would be nice to document my 50th novel.

88. Fifty? Wow. How long have you been writing?

89. Oh, been writing all my life, dear. It's all I've ever wanted to do.

90. Wrote my first published novel when I was 15

91. and I've written at least one a year ever since.

92. Wow. Who is your publisher?

93. Self-published, dear.

94. I designed the cover and everything. It's very professional.

95. Not in a... Not in a money-making sense.

96. I've actually lost money, but, you know, it's a passion, isn't it?

97. - Yep. - I've got to leave something behind.

98. I never married or had children or anything, so, you know...

99. How do you make your money though?

100. I'm a medium.

101. Right.

102. I read people's auras or palms or crystal balls, tea leaves, anything.

103. But this is my passion. Novels.

104. And they're all about one person, are they?

105. Yes.

106. Dr. Barnaby Love, MD.

107. I combine medical drama with erotic fiction.

108. "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed."

109. Why is it "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed"?

110. Well, I always hoped it'd be picked up as a long-running series, like Columbo.

111. But sadly not.

112. Mm, my first choice, back in the day, was Roger Moore,

113. but nowadays it would probably be someone like George Clooney.

114. I mean, he's played a doctor, hasn't he? He'd know what he was doing.

115. Probably knows more than me.

116. You haven't had any medical training?

117. No.

118. - How do you get the technical stuff right? - Eh, just pick things up.

119. Sure.

120. Would you like me to read a bit from my latest one?

121. Yeah.

122. Open Wide.

123. Not that bit. That's filth.

124. Let's have a look. Here's a good bit.

125. So Dr. Barnaby is, um, operating on someone

126. that all the top surgeons in the world said could not be saved.

127. But Dr. Barnaby disagrees.

128. Okay. "Nurse Stacey mopped his brow."

129. "'Is that better, Doctor?'"

130. "Their eyes meet over the masks you have to wear in operating theaters."

131. "'Please, call me Barnaby.'"

132. "She blushes. 'Okay, we're going in!'"

133. "He injects the medicine into the patient's main artery."

134. "'That should do the trick, ' said Barnaby. 'Okay, stitch him up, Nurse.'"

135. "'Dinner later?' 'Ooh, yes, please, ' she said. 'See you at 8.'"

136. There.

137. - Does he live? - Who, dear?

138. The patient.

139. Oh, I didn't say. Didn't bother with that.

140. I'm sure he's fine if they got the medicine into the main artery.

141. Exactly.

142. I wonder why all the top surgeons around the world didn't think of that.

143. Eh, Dr. Barnaby's special, isn't he?

144. He's best in the world.

145. A randy bugger, too, which never hurts.

146. - Good. Take a picture. - Yep.

147. Smile.

148. Ooh.

149. Great.

150. - Will this be in next week's paper, dear? - Yep.

151. Could you mention that I'm doing a live reading and book signing

152. at the Tambury Fair?

153. Sure.

154. Oh, good. And do bring your wife along. It's mostly for women.

155. I, uh... I don't have a wife.

156. Oh, gay? Even better.

157. I'm not gay. Just...

158. I, uh...

159. I lost my wife.

160. Oh, I'm sorry.

161. Would you like to contact her?

162. With all my heart.

163. - Okay. Well... - No, I mean...

164. I... I don't...

165. I don't believe in all that. But... But thank you.

166. This is for you.

167. Open Wide, though.

168. I mean, in this context, that only means one thing.

169. - Yeah. - Doesn't it?

170. I... I hate that.

171. He knew we were crossing the road, but he had to save that ten seconds

172. 'cause he's got such an important job as a full-time cunt!

173. I always wish I had a brick to put through the fucking window.

174. That'd be the last piece of the jigsaw.

175. You actually carrying a brick around with you,

176. hovering around zebra crossings.

177. It'd be a social service. I'd be like Batman.

178. But mental.

179. Yeah. Maybe I'm not grieving.

180. Maybe I'm just an arsehole. I just like punishing people.

181. Classic vigilante story, innit?

182. I am like Batman, or Dexter.

183. He was a serial killer, but his dad taught him only to kill bad people,

184. but he was just mental.

185. Or Spider-Man.

186. His uncle got killed and he went fucking sorting out bad people, didn't he?

187. Didn't he get bitten by a spider? I don't remember the uncle bit.

188. Yeah, and then he made himself a poncy little outfit.

189. I wouldn't bother with that. I'd just wear my own clothes. So, uh...

190. Also, I would fucking batter Spider-Man.

191. Puny little twat in tight kids pajamas?

192. - He's got Spidey senses though. - Yeah? Stomp! Squashed!

193. "Dr. Barnaby leaned back on his leather office chair, thoughtful."

194. "He was worried about a patient who had the worst brain tumor he had ever seen."

195. "There was a knock at the door. 'Come in, ' said Dr. Barnaby."

196. "The door opened to reveal Nurse Cindy,

197. the most attractive nurse in the hospital." Obviously.

198. "'Oh sorry, ' she said. 'The ladies changing rooms are out of order,

199. so I wondered if I could change here, as you're a doctor.'"

200. "'Of course, ' said Dr. Barnaby."

201. "'I'm a surgeon,

202. so a naked female body

203. isn't the same as it would be to the average red-blooded male.'"

204. I can't read any more.

205. - Read it. - No, you read it.

206. Oh God.

207. "Nurse Cindy starts to slowly undress. She was sexy as hell,

208. and she notices Dr. Barnaby looking at her differently

209. than he would if he was operating on her."

210. "'Do I look well, Doctor?'"

211. "'I'll say, ' said Dr. Barnaby."

212. "'Think you'd better check my pulse, Nurse.'"

213. It's sort of sweet, really. Sort of old-fashioned and hopeful.

214. And she's a fortune teller too.

215. - She said she is, yeah. - Why would she lie?

216. - 'Cause it's impossible. - Nothing's impossible.

217. I'm out.

218. Just 'cause you haven't seen something doesn't mean it isn't real.

219. What if no one's seen it?

220. Could be invisible.

221. - Yeah. - Could I visit her?

222. You know, to investigate it?

223. - If you want. - I'd go in with an open mind.

224. You know, if you go in thinking it isn't real, then you'll never believe.

225. Should I arrange that, then?

226. Yeah.

227. Now I wish I was covering the story.

228. Oh, here he is.

229. I told you to wait outside.

230. He's giving me a lift to a meeting. We're not an item, obviously.

231. I just like turning up in a Rolls-Royce. He knows that, don't you?

232. - Yeah. - Yeah, works out well.

233. - What's in it for you, Colin? - People think he's got a girlfriend.

234. But he knows that can never be the case. Shame.

235. What, with the Rolls-Royce and him being a self-made millionaire and a nice bloke,

236. it would've been perfect, if not for the obvious.

237. - What? - The face! Duh.

238. Yeah, the face. Even my mum calls me the ugly one.

239. And you're okay with that, Colin?

240. It's heartbreaking.

241. I'm destroyed.

242. I used to wish I was dead growing up. But what can you do?

243. Exactly, and that is why I want everyone to know he's not my boyfriend.

244. Maybe you should wear a chauffeur's hat.

245. Or a chauffeur's mask.

246. - She fancied him for a bit, didn't she? - She did, Colin. She did.

247. She's obviously got a type.

248. Anyway, come on, we'll be late.

249. Come on.

250. Like a dog.

251. - Could you get back to work, please? - No way. It's not worth it.

252. Please. Come on. Wasted enough time.

253. Hey, here's a new one.

254. - What's worse than a maggot in your apple? - Dunno.

255. Finding your ex-wife in Safeway's car park

256. getting gangbanged by some Dutch lorry drivers.

257. Yeah, finding a maggot in your apple's nothing after that, boy. Trust me.

258. Anyway, I'm gonna start taking my comedy a little bit more seriously.

259. Life has kicked the shit out of me in recent years,

260. but I've reached rock bottom so the only way is up, innit?

261. Yeah. As for me, like, Ken's getting me a couple of auditions here and there.

262. Like small bits and stuff like that.

263. - Shit. - What?

264. I can't believe it.

265. My ex-wife and Micky the Gypsy.

266. Is he violent?

267. Absolutely psycho.

268. Mind you, I've seen her bottle a traffic warden. Aye.

269. You do the mathematics.

270. Heya.

271. - All right? - All right.

272. All right, Micky? Yeah?

273. James, this is Micky. And this is my ex-wife, Elizabeth.

274. Hiya.

275. - All right? - Still together, then?

276. On and off, yeah.

277. She was shagging Spud Head for a while.

278. He caught us at it, didn't you?

279. Awkward.

280. It wasn't awkward.

281. Gave me the excuse to smash the granny out of the cunt.

282. Bloodbath, wasn't it?

283. Proper mess.

284. - Turned out quite well, really. - You know me.

285. I like to look at things in a positive way.

286. I know you do, mate.

287. My problem is I just want to try and please everyone.

288. She's a slag, mate.

289. He knows.

290. You well though? You well though?

291. Can't complain.

292. Anyway, always nice to see you.

293. I'll just, uh, see you later.

294. - Be lucky. - Yeah.

295. Bye.

296. We'll, uh, ease past Elizabeth's hip.

297. - Yeah, do the one-wheel trick. - That's it.

298. That's how pathetic your best mate is, James.

299. - You are not pathetic, sir! - Proper loser.

300. - Not compared to me though. - You're joking, aren't you?

301. - No. - You can sing, dance.

302. Play two recorders with your nose. You can knit. You're great with wool.

303. You're great with wool.

304. If you're a loser, what chance have the rest of us got?

305. Cheers, mate.

306. Do you wanna go up the tip? See if there's any action?

307. You betcha! I've got to swing by my agent's first, if that's all right.

308. - I'll come with you, boy. - Right.

309. All right?

310. Yes.

311. I was just saying to Stan you'd be along soon.

312. Right.

313. - Good day at work? - Yep.

314. - You still talk to him? - Every day.

315. Not just here. Everywhere.

316. I don't get funny looks at home though.

317. It really helps.

318. Saying it out loud, I mean.

319. You hear yourself.

320. Yeah, I've never been one for talking to myself. I'd probably argue.

321. You wouldn't be talking to yourself.

322. No.

323. I do feel like she's still here.

324. And it's like I'm in two minds.

325. One knows the truth.

326. She died.

327. Logical.

328. There's no heaven. No reincarnation, no ghosts.

329. I know that.

330. But then I feel her

331. inside me.

332. All the time.

333. Like she's still part of me, guiding me.

334. It's weird.

335. That's because you're human,

336. and nothing really makes sense.

337. Look at you, Kierkegaard.

338. It's okay to have feelings, you know.

339. Things that aren't logical.

340. Science makes us understand how to stay alive longer.

341. Feelings give us the reason to want to.

342. Or not want to.

343. I was doing so well.

344. I'm fine.

345. Hmm.

346. - Mum. - Hello, darling. What are you doing here?

347. I'm here for a business meeting.

348. - Aw, bless ya. - What are you doing here?

349. - She's doing my highlights. - Yeah, helping out.

350. Never mind that. What are we gonna do with you?

351. Still delivering local newspapers? What's he like?

352. Well, I've got to earn money. Mum says I'm old enough now to pay rent.

353. It's only fair, isn't it, Ken?

354. Oh, hanging round with losers though?

355. - No offense. - None taken.

356. Me and Brian are a team.

357. - He wants representation too. - For what?

358. - To pursue his stand-up. - Big time.

359. I'm ready. I wanna go for it.

360. I'm tired of having my confidence destroyed

361. and being useless.

362. You are useless though.

363. You've got absolutely no chance of getting anywhere in comedy.

364. I can feel my bravado ebbing away.

365. You said you could make anyone a star.

366. I'm not bloody magic!

367. - He's not bloody magic, mate. - I'd be wasting my time on that.

368. - Pointless, innit? - That's not the attitude!

369. - Oh, is it not? - No, it isn't!

370. - You do it, then. - I will!

371. Good! Keep you busy, 'cause I can't get you any work at all.

372. Brilliant.

373. - Don't matter though. - What doesn't?

374. Being a loser.

375. I still love ya.

376. That's nice.

377. - Oh, all right? - Yeah, you?

378. Yeah. You know, bearing up under the circumstances.

379. - What circumstances? - Well, Roxy.

380. What's happened to Roxy?

381. - You know. - No, what?

382. - Well, she's my bird now, isn't she? - Yeah.

383. And?

384. And she's sucking off blokes left, right, and center, isn't she?

385. Oh, right.

386. I don't know.

387. - You do know 'cause I'm telling ya. - Yeah, but why?

388. - It plays on my mind. - Okay, right.

389. I don't know what you want me to say.

390. Gas bill.

391. Right.

392. See ya.

393. See ya.

394. Ugh.

395. It's nice, innit, just to...

396. just to sit down.

397. - End of the day. - Yeah.

398. I've actually been sat down most of the day at the...

399. You weren't wearing a pink jumper at work though, were you?

400. It's not. It's salmon.

401. Salmon pink, yeah.

402. With no T-shirt on underneath. Interesting.

403. Just like the feel of wool against your skin?

404. Well, it's merino wool, so it's super soft. Um...

405. - You were a bit hot. - I did have a T-shirt on, yeah.

406. So I thought,

407. "T-shirt off, jumper on."

408. - Sure. - And never looked back.

409. Oh, um,

410. - Jill got you a house plant. - I mean, it's for both of you.

411. How can a house plant be for both of us?

412. - I live alone. - Well, I just...

413. I can look at it when I come round.

414. Um, she was just being polite, okay?

415. - So Emma didn't feel left out. - Right.

416. Thank you.

417. Don't water it too much. Um...

418. It's a cactus, so...

419. I like your painting.

420. It's one of Lisa's.

421. - It's not one of her best. - What do you mean?

422. - No, I just... - If you don't like it, I'll have it.

423. I do like it. I'm just saying that's how good an artist she was,

424. that it's not one of her best.

425. - Right. - Please don't be like this, okay?

426. Uh, I think I'm gonna go.

427. - Okay, am I coming with you? - No.

428. I'm not in the mood. I knew I wouldn't be. But, no, seriously, stay.

429. Uh, I'll be fine.

430. Thank you.

431. Uh, I...

432. I'm so sorry about that.

433. He's still not well.

434. He's fine.

435. He's obviously still in love with Lisa, and I'm never gonna be a substitute,

436. and I think he wants everyone to know that.

437. - We think you're so... - Cool.

438. - Great for... - Very... Very good.

439. - Patient. - And kind.

440. Well, I'm a grown-up.

441. Don't overwater it.

442. Cunt.

443. Thoughts?

444. Best snowman ever!

445. - Snowperson! - Oh. Yeah.

446. - Yeah. - My bad.

447. - Could be either gender. - Mm-hmm.

448. With a carrot for her massive cock.

449. - Correct! - You hadn't thought it through.

450. Picking me up on sexist language!

451. It's a lovely cock.