- 1. Keep being funny.
- 2. Tell jokes... at the funeral,
or at the party after.
- 3. There'd better be a party after.
- 4. You're always funny at parties.
You always get drunk and overexcited.
- 5. Running around like a fat, little
annoying Santa with your rosy cheeks,
- 6. making everyone laugh.
- 7. Then you have a sort of spiritual hangover
the next day,
- 8. worried you'd offended so and so.
- 9. You never had, though.
- 10. You just made 'em laugh.
- 11. Just keep being funny.
You're a lovely man.
- 12. You all right, George?
- 13. What's the matter?
- 14. Robbie hit me.
- 15. Why?
- 16. He always does, every day.
- 17. Which one's Robbie?
- 18. - Stop it!
- The one with the branch?
- 19. Are you Robbie?
- 20. - Yeah.
- Robbie, come here.
- 21. Listen up, right?
- 22. I'm an escaped lunatic,
- 23. and I like murdering little fat kids
- 24. so if you hit George or anyone else,
I'm gonna come to your house—
- 25. I know where you live—
- 26. and while you're asleep, I'm gonna smash
your stupid head in with this hammer.
- 27. Do you understand?
- 28. I just threatened a ten-year-old kid
with a hammer.
- 29. They've gotta learn.
- 30. He was bullying George, and I said
- 31. I'd murder him in his sleep
if he did it again.
- 32. - Oh... Hello.
- 33. He's going to murder a kid with a hammer
- 34. if it doesn't behave.
- 35. So did you...
go on your date, then?
- 36. Yeah.
- 37. Was it a success?
- 38. No, it was... awful...
- 39. - awkward... just the worst.
- 40. The one good thing about my life is
that I never have to do that shit again.
- 41. Oh, I know what you mean.
- 42. You know, I'm genuinely happy on my own.
- 43. Just me and the dog.
- 44. - Me and my cat.
- 45. When the dog goes, and him,
- 46. I'll have no responsibility
for anything ever again.
- 47. I can do what I like.
- 48. Mm-hm.
- 49. Well, you'll never have
to come here again, so...
- 50. - Right.
- 51. - I've gotta—
- 52. - See you.
- See you later.
- 53. Valerie, erm...
- 54. call me when my girlfriend
gets here, please.
- 55. But you'll see her.
- 56. What?
- 57. Yeah, just call me, huh?
- 58. She's bringing me a treat.
- 59. Women.
- 60. Bloody love 'em though.
- 61. Oh, hey. How was the date?
- 62. The worst.
- 63. - Oh no.
- 64. - I thought you'd have so much in common.
- Well, she didn't want to be there,
- 65. she drank like a fish,
swore like a trooper,
- 66. err, she was narcissistic, rude.
- 67. Yeah, exactly.
- 68. Good one. Luckily, I got it in first
that I didn't want to be there either,
- 69. and that I miss my wife, and that...
- 70. I wanna kill myself.
- 71. And then she teased me
that I couldn't commit suicide
- 72. as well as her dead husband.
- 73. - Sounds brilliant.
- 74. Then I tried to knock a couple of muggers
off a moped.
- 75. Stole their hammer.
- 76. You were mugged again?
- 77. No.
- 78. A woman was—
- 79. But as they went past me.
- 80. I've always wanted to knock a twat
off a motorbike.
- 81. I hate the way they rev up
for no reason.
- 82. The fact they were muggers was a bonus.
It sort of justified it.
- 83. And what d'you mean,
you stole their hammer?
- 84. I confiscated it, really.
They dropped it, so I thought,
- 85. "I'll have that."
- 86. It's a good one as well,
so not a complete waste of an evening.
- 87. Good.
- 88. Can I just talk to you
about something a sec?
- 89. Yeah.
- 90. Did you hear about Julian?
- 91. - The guy who distributes the newspapers.
- 92. He was found dead this morning.
- 93. From an overdose, heroin.
- 94. Yep.
- 95. It's so sad. I didn't even...
- 96. I— I had no idea.
- 97. I gave him the money.
- 98. For what?
- 99. For drugs.
- 100. Yeah, but you couldn't have known
that he would overdose, though.
- 101. Well...
- 102. - Fuck's sake, Tony.
- 103. Don't say that.
Don't even joke about things like that.
- 104. What? Why? What's...
- 105. Because you're the godfather to my son.
- 106. - Right—
- Because you're not a fucking psychopath.
- 107. - Okay.
- Why would you say—
- 108. Why would you even tell me that?
- 109. You didn't know.
- 110. - Just tell me you didn't know.
- Right. I couldn't know...
- 111. - Right.
- ... it was gonna...
- 112. you know, work.
- 113. Work? Are you fucking kidding me?
- 114. He was a heroin addict, okay?
That's what he did.
- 115. Right? It's what he wanted, obviously.
- 116. - So—
- Tell me that you didn't know
- 117. that he was gonna kill himself, or I'm not
gonna let you see George again, okay?
- 118. I didn't know.
- 119. Obviously not.
- 120. Okay.
- 121. You didn't— Yeah, you didn't know.
- 122. Here she is.
- 123. - Who?
- My bird.
- 124. - My bird.
- Come in. Take a seat.
- 125. - Bread pudding delivery.
- Lovely. Thanks, love.
- 126. Um, everyone, it's my girlfriend, June.
- 127. - Hello.
- Hi, June.
- 128. So... what's it like going out with...
- 129. that?
- 130. - Is it?
- 131. What do you mean?
- 132. He's good with my boy.
- 133. - Right.
- Got a lot in common,
- 134. - my two little fatties.
- 135. I love it when
they fight over Creme Eggs.
- 136. - Not fighting.
- You do.
- 137. No, he's just— He gets a bit grabby.
- 138. Ahh. He tells me you were attracted
to his style even before his personality.
- 139. - Yeah.
- 140. - Love everything about him.
- 141. Especially his body.
- 142. Really?
- 143. Wh-wh-why?
- 144. Why? What's—
- 145. He's 'ot.
- 146. Yeah, like his body temperature's warm,
like hot to the touch.
- 147. - Oh, right.
- So when he's naked, it's like cuddling
- 148. - a big baby.
- 149. And his skin's dead smooth
when he gets out the bath.
- 150. Very cuddly, yeah.
- 151. And have you noticed
the roll of, um...
- 152. flab on his neck?
- 153. - Back fat?
- No, not back fat,
- 154. but we'll come back to that, thank you.
- 155. Um, no. Next time he's lying naked,
- 156. just grab the back of his neck.
Or get on him, if you like.
- 157. Sit on him,
grab the roll of fat on his back there,
- 158. and blump him around the room
like a biiiig space hopper.
- 159. - That'd be good.
- Don't want to hurt him, do I?
- 160. - No. You just wanna cudd— I know.
- 161. You should probably...
head off, love, shouldn't you?
- 162. - Yeah.
- Well, come back any time, though,
- 163. 'cause we're a local paper,
so we need sort of... Ahhh!
- 164. We need sort of local interest stories
- 165. - Ah, I forgot the custard.
- Not to worry.
- 166. Okay, next time, though.
- 167. - Never mind.
- Yeah, all right. See you, love.
- 168. - Thanks for...
- See you later.
- 169. Nice to meet you all.
- 170. - Nice to meet you.
- Lovely to meet you. Cheers.
- 171. - Ta-ra.
- Thanks for the pud.
- 172. - Fuckin' hell.
- You make a lovely couple.
- 173. Cheers.
- 174. Someone for everyone, isn't there?
- 175. Thanks.
- 176. She's brilliant, mate.
- 177. Cheers.
- 178. - Oh.
- 179. Hi. Twice in one day?
- 180. - Somebody's popular.
- It's just a slow workday, so—
- 181. - Wish I had a slow workday.
- You busy?
- 182. Err... Yeah, just a bit.
- 183. Just... Well, have a sit down.
- 184. - That's all I've got.
- 185. God.
- 186. - Okay, back to work.
- 187. - Bye!
- 188. Well,
I didn't breastfeed this time,
- 189. not convenient.
- 190. Obviously, I was still lactating,
so I thought, "Waste not, want not,"
- 191. so I expressed...
- 192. and started making rice puddings.
- 193. - Out of your breast milk?
- Good idea.
- 194. It's more natural,
if you think about it, isn't it?
- 195. For people to eat a pudding
made from human milk.
- 196. That's what we're used to, isn't it?
- 197. Well, when we're babies maybe.
- 198. So I kept expressing—
- 199. And making... rice puddings.
- 200. Do other people eat these?
- 201. Yeah, they lap it up.
And they know it's your breast milk?
- 202. Yeah.
- 203. Who eats these?
- 204. Mr. Crosby at number five.
- 205. He can't get enough.
- 206. - I mean, I can't make huge puddings.
- 207. Sometimes I have to top it up
with cow's milk.
- 208. Right.
- 209. Anyway, do you want to try?
- 210. Nah. We're fine, thank you—
- 211. Oh. Oh, God!
- 212. - Are you okay?
- 213. No, it's the sight of him just...
- 214. slurping it up like a fat...
- 215. fuckin' Labrador.
- 216. Oh, god.
- 217. It's—
- 218. Oh, God.
- 219. Change the subject.
- 220. So for the bread,
I use my own vaginal yeast.
- 221. Thank you.
- 222. You never need to use
your own vaginal yeast to make bread.
- 223. If you're making bread,
"Oh, we've run out of yeast.
- 224. Oh, I know. I can use— Forget it.
- 225. I'll go to the shops.
We'll get a lovely loaf."
- 226. You've still got the fuckin' milk
around your mouth.
- 227. Oh, you pig.
- 228. I've got to walk the dog.
I'll see you later.
- 229. All right?
- 230. - Yeah.
- Been waiting for you.
- 231. Why?
- 232. - Who's that from?
- You, obviously.
- 233. What's it say?
- 234. - You know what it says.
- Go on.
- 235. "To Pat. Stop reading my postcards,
you nosy, scruffy cunt."
- 236. Not very nice, is it?
- 237. It's not addressed to you, is it?
It's addressed to me.
- 238. Yeah, but you knew I'd read it.
- 239. And that's my point.
- 240. Good girl. Come on.
- 241. I'm always angry.
- 242. Yeah.
- 243. I hate the fact that people think...
- 244. they can get away with being shit,
- 245. I was wound up the other day
- 246. by a woman walking along the street
next to me,
- 247. and she was shuffling.
She wouldn't pick her—
- 248. Pick your fuckin' feet up.
- 249. Has no one ever told you
how to fuckin' walk?
- 250. You're an adult.
- 251. I wanted to punch a bloke
in the cafe yesterday
- 252. for yawning too loudly.
- 253. He was doing this...
- 254. Shut the fuck up!
- 255. No one cares.
- 256. It's like celebrating being tired.
- 257. We all get irritated by things, okay?
- 258. I hate people who eat the ice
in their gin and tonics.
- 259. So do I.
- 260. But I bet your first thought isn't,
"I hope he chokes on that,
- 261. and as he's on the floor gasping for air,
- 262. I wanna lean in and go,
- 263. "That's what you get for eating ice,
you fuckin' moron."
- 264. No, it isn't.
- 265. Welcome to the contents of my head.
- 266. Excuse me.
- 267. - Spare a moment for homeless children?
- Sorry, no.
- 268. Oh, don't care about children
in poverty then?
- 269. Not at the moment.
I've got bigger problems.
- 270. Do bigger problems exist
than the desperate poverty of a child?
- 271. Sorry, I thought me saying I was busy
- 272. What's the guilt tripping?
And don't give me this altruism shit.
- 273. You're not a volunteer.
Everyone knows you're getting paid.
- 274. You don't give a fuck about the charity
or poverty-stricken kids. You want money.
- 275. I'd effectively be paying your wages,
you wiry, little twat.
- 276. Four-eyes!
- 277. Oh.
- 278. Please can I be in the paper?
- 279. For what?
- 280. Me.
- 281. - My story.
- What story?
- 282. I've got stories.
- 283. You'll do stories about anything in here,
- 284. What was it last week,
"Woman Finds Hat in a Tree"?
- 285. Please...
- 286. come and have a look at my home.
- 287. - Why?
- This is just the tip of the iceberg.
- 288. You don't know.
- 289. No, I believe you.
- 290. It's a tr— trevor tro— treasure trove.
- 291. - Easy for you to say.
- Collected loads of things over the years.
- 292. Memorabilia and trophies and...
- 293. my exploits.
- 294. If you're not convinced, I promise
I'll never darken your door again.
- 295. So if we come and look at your house,
- 296. you'll never bother us—
- 297. Never. No.
- 298. It'll make my year.
- 299. D'you wanna go have a look?
- 300. Yeah.
- 301. Please bring the new girl.
- 302. D'you want to watch us cover this story?
- 303. - Yeah. All right.
- 304. Here we go.
- 305. Here we are.
- 306. - Fuckin' hell.
- Come in.
- 307. This is the dining room.
- 308. Okay, come through.
- 309. This is what I've been talking about.
- 310. Questions?
- 311. What's that smell?
- 312. Which one?
- 313. Like a clawing thing
in the back of the throat.
- 314. - Back of the throat. Dead mice.
- 315. Back of the room. Back corner.
Basically, I put some traps there
- 316. a couple of years ago,
and I can't get to them, so...
- 317. Any other questions?
- 318. - What are they?
- 319. I collect them.
- 320. Basically, these little fellas are um—
- 321. - Don't open it.
- 322. My rule is, if you come onto my property,
then I own you.
- 323. Okay?
- 324. - How long have you been doing this?
When did my wife leave me?
- 325. Seven years.
- 326. Seven years ago. I just thought I could
do what I like with the place.
- 327. So I just went for it.
- 328. Yeah, which brings me to my next question,
- 329. - and don't take this the wrong way...
- 330. Why have you never considered suicide?
- 331. I have.
- 332. And why... didn't you go through with it?
- 333. Because I decided it was too good for me.
- 334. Wow.
- 335. That's what you're dealing with.
- 336. - Cup of tea?
- Definitely not.
- 337. Okay.
- 338. Brian, this isn't right for a local paper.
How can I do a—
- 339. There's no story here, mate.
- 340. Can I stay and try and find one?
- 341. - Really?
- 342. Okay.
- 343. See you later.
- 344. Where are you going?
- 345. - I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not.
- 346. Don't leave her with him.
- 347. - It stinks.
- 348. What d'you wanna know?
Where'd you wanna go?
- 349. Just show me
what you've got, really.
- 350. What I've got?
What haven't I got?
- 351. Okay, thank you. Yeah.
- 352. No, thanks for letting me know.
- 353. Hello, everybody! Hello!
- 354. Hello, everybody! Hello.
- 355. Say hello, everybody.
- 356. - Hello.
- 357. Hello, Mr. Punch.
- 358. Hello, Mrs. Punch.
What are you up to?
- 359. Oh, nothing much. Nothing much.
- 360. Yes, you have.
You've been shagging Mickey the Gypsy.
- 361. No, I haven't.
- 362. Yes, you have.
- 363. Ooh, calm down, Brian.
- 364. Calm down?
You're telling me to calm down?
- 365. Huh? You've made me a laughing stock
around the village,
- 366. and she's telling me to calm down.
- 367. She's been shagging anything that moves.
- 368. For 18 months, she's shagging
Mickey the Gypsy down Green Lane.
- 369. My wife is a slut. There's your headline.
- 370. "My Wife's a Slut."
- 371. This woman has destroyed me.
Yes, please, take a picture. Thank you.
- 372. Tony, can I have a word?
- 373. - Now?
- Yeah, now.
- 374. Shut the door.
- 375. Sit down.
- 376. I just had a phone call from the school.
- 377. Not as a story or anything,
but as a parent.
- 378. Apparently, a middle-aged man
threatened a ten-year-old child
- 379. with a hammer today.
- 380. You threatened a child
with a fucking hammer.
- 381. Who told you it was me?
- 382. Nobody. They don't know it was you.
- 383. I know it was you
'cause I've seen the fucking hammer.
- 384. He was bullying George.
- 385. What the fuck is wrong with you, Tony?
- 386. I can take all the insults, you know,
- 387. Fill your boots with that shit,
but you can't—
- 388. If you carry on like this,
people are gonna get hurt, right?
- 389. - And it's not gonna be George.
- I know.
- 390. I was trying to stop George getting hurt.
- 391. I get enough grief from Jill as it is,
- 392. letting George see you, but I do it
- 393. because I know it makes you happy,
- 394. but I can't risk that anymore.
Do you understand?
- 395. - I'm fucked up.
- You're not fuck— that's not good enough.
- 396. That is not good enough, Tony.
- 397. That's letting yourself
off the hook again.
- 398. People who are fucked up
don't choose to be like that.
- 399. You're doing this on purpose.
You know what you're doing.
- 400. This is the worst thing you've done.
- 401. I don't even know
what you're fighting anymore.
- 402. I don't get this, okay?
There is no enemy in this story.
- 403. This is— You're just doing this
- 404. I'm in pain, all right?
I'm in fucking pain all the time,
- 405. and I do shit like this...
- 406. 'cause it makes me
feel better for a split second.
- 407. Other people are in pain as well.
Other people have shit going on.
- 408. Other people have things
they need to deal with.
- 409. I just want to be out of pain.
- 410. Either live without pain
or die without pain,
- 411. whichever one comes first.
- 412. - I choose that, all right?
- Okay, listen to me.
- 413. If you're saying to me
that you can't be trusted,
- 414. that you're not accountable
for your actions, then that's fine,
- 415. if that's what you're saying.
- 416. But that means
that you don't get to see George.
- 417. Because if you're saying I have to choose
between the safety of my son...
- 418. and you,
- 419. then I choose my son every fucking time.
Do you understand me?
- 420. It doesn't even come close.
- 421. - I'd never do anything to hurt George.
- Look what you've done already.
- 422. I know.
- 423. I won't do anything like this again.
- 424. Well, let's see, okay?
- 425. What was it like?
- 426. - Absolutely mental.
- 427. It's just full of shit.
- 428. Just old shit.
- 429. He did a puppet show!
- 430. - Puppet show?
- Yeah, like an actual puppet show.
- 431. How are you even gonna deal with that?
- 432. It's quite sad.
- 433. Excited to start it.
- 434. Why is it empty?
- 435. What d'you mean?
- 436. Well, usually, there's like a... romantic
scene or a castle or something inside.
- 437. Yeah. This is one of them
that you're meant to put
- 438. a photo of a loved one in, but...
- 439. I haven't met anyone, though.
- 440. Fuck me.
- 441. Put something in it.
- 442. Picture of your cat,
- 443. something you love.
- 444. What d'you love?
Loads of stuff.
- 445. Go on.
Go on what?
- 446. What d'you mean "Go on what"?
- 447. What?
- 448. I said, "Go on,"
- 449. and you said, "Go on what?"
- 450. You haven't heard the phrase, "go on,"
- 451. as in expound,
- 452. give me some examples?
- 453. - No.
- 454. Okay.
- 455. Give me some examples of things you love.
- 456. Having a laugh.
- 457. - Really?
- 458. You've seen the birthday cards
I buy people.
- 459. Funny memes I show around on Twitter.
- 460. Kevin Hart.
- 461. - Fancy seeing you here.
- 462. - You all right?
- 463. Good.
- 464. I need some advice.
- 465. I wanted to kill myself.
- 466. And when I couldn't, or hadn't,
- 467. I thought, "Okay.
- 468. If I'm gonna do this
carrying on living thing,
- 469. it's gonna be on my terms,
I'm gonna do what I want,
- 470. and I've always got suicide
to fall back on."
- 471. Got to have a backup.
- 472. Exactly.
- 473. But it didn't go to plan.
- 474. Erm...
- 475. At first,
I thought it was like a superpower.
- 476. I can do anything. Who cares?
- 477. What's the worst that can happen?
- 478. Nothing can hurt me because I can
always kill myself, you know? And...
- 479. But then...
- 480. I realized you can't...
- 481. You can't not care about things
you actually care about.
- 482. You can't fool yourself and...
- 483. And, err...
- 484. it was something you said,
that it's not all about me,
- 485. and even though I'm in pain,
- 486. it's worth...
- 487. sticking around to maybe...
- 488. make my...
- 489. little corner of the world
a slightly better place.
- 490. That's all there is.
- 491. Happiness is amazing.
- 492. It's so amazing,
it doesn't matter if it's yours or not.
- 493. There's that lovely thing,
- 494. "A society grows great
when old men plant trees,
- 495. the shade of which they know
they will never sit in."
- 496. Good people do things for other people.
- 497. That's it. The end.
- 498. And you're good, Tony.
- 499. You have so much to give.
- 500. Smart...
- 501. fun...
- 502. You forgot "sexy," but...
- 503. Yeah, well,
- 504. didn't want to be too obvious.
- 505. - If you were 20 years younger, right?
- 506. Mind you, if I was 20 years younger,
I think I could do better.
- 507. - Yeah, definitely.
- 508. Ah.
- 509. All right, I'm off.
- 510. Bye.
- 511. - See you tomorrow.
- See ya.
- 512. - See ya.
- 513. - Tony.
- 514. Please be happy.
- 515. What?
- 516. You deserve to be happy.
- 517. Please be happy.
- 518. I love how much you love your wife,
- 519. and I can't wait for someone
to love me as much as you love your wife.
- 520. But... you can still be happy.
- 521. Okay.
- 522. You're so funny.
- 523. You make me laugh all the time.
- 524. Tony, you're breaking my heart.
- 525. Okay.
- 526. - How's the Brian story going?
- Yeah, I've got it here.
- 527. - Do you want to read it?
- 528. Well,
- 529. this can be the front page.
- 530. - Really?
Oh, my God. I could cry.
- 531. Don't cry, and don't be too flattered.
Have you seen our front pages?
- 532. Yeah.
- 533. But still...
It's really good.
- 534. - Really good.
- Thank you.
- 535. No way!
- 536. Tony!
- 537. Oh, my God!
- 538. Hello!
- 539. Hello, you!
- 540. Hello.
- 541. Wow. This is your new home.
- 542. - Oh, God.
- My God, Tony.
- 543. Look at that face.
- 544. She is gorgeous.
- 545. - Hey.
- You all right?
- 546. - I knew I'd find you at the office.
- 547. Prostitute.
- 548. Sex worker.