- 1. Oh! Oh my god.
- 2. Oh, my— I'm not even in the house.
- 3. - I'm fucking soaked.
- 4. I'm not even in the house.
How long have you had that there?
- 5. About 40 minutes, right.
'Cause I was just waiting like a dog
- 6. - at the window.
- You prick.
- 7. I can't believe that I'm soaked!
- 8. - Ahh, tough day at work?
- 9. Really easy day at work.
- 10. No. Tough time the second
I get into my own house.
- 11. Look at how happy you are.
- 12. Good girl.
- 13. - Are you goin' in there?
- 14. - Can you give that to him?
- Yeah, course.
- 15. Ta.
- 16. - You're a friend of his are you?
- 17. Oh.
- 18. - All right?
- Some post.
- 19. - Where d'you get that?
- Postman gave it to me.
- 20. What?
- 21. Oh, for f—
- 22. Should've made him
put it through the letterbox.
- 23. I was walking along the side of the road
'cause there was no pavement.
- 24. I slipped down this steep bank
and onto some rubbish—
- 25. big chunk of wood with, like, a nail,
metal spike sticking out of it—
- 26. and went right on it.
- 27. Well, it just went right through me,
right through me side,
- 28. out me back.
- 29. There was blood everywhere.
- 30. It's a miracle I'm still alive
- 31. 'cause the doctor said,
because I'm so big,
- 32. it just went straight through me
- 33. and missed me vital organs.
- 34. - You know, just straight through the—
- 35. So, in a way, my fatness saved my life.
- 36. Not really.
- 37. If you'd have been thin,
- 38. Hmm.
- 39. Cheers.
- 40. Good pictures.
- 41. Lisa's old room.
- 42. Ahh.
- 43. Hungry?
- 44. Stupid question.
- 45. Thought you were gonna grab
the back of my neck.
- 46. Not yet.
- 47. Say you wanna use this photo
here, you just...
- 48. take the file P100124. jpg,
- 49. and you just drag it across
and pop it in the folder and it uploads.
- 50. That's done.
And then check the next image.
- 51. Looks like P100125. jpg.
- 52. You just click it, move it across,
pop it in the folder.
- 53. - Fuck me!
- 54. Why do you wanna work here?
- 55. - It's exciting.
- What is?
- 56. Journalism.
- 57. - This isn't fucking journalism.
- You've gotta start somewhere.
- 58. Yeah, but if you start here,
you'll end here.
- 59. Look at this.
- 60. Not true, actually, no.
- 61. No, this is a great stepping stone,
- 62. There was a guy
who worked here a while ago,
- 63. - went on to work for The Guardian.
- What was his name?
- 64. - No, I can't remember his name.
- Oh, he made it big then?
- 65. - The point is—
- Bill Coombes.
- 66. Wasn't here long.
- 67. Was a bit grabby.
- 68. I do get that a lot though.
- 69. He's a lorry driver now.
- 70. Since the court case.
- 71. I didn't know that.
But the point is, okay,
- 72. you start here, then you go on
to have a bright future in journalism.
- 73. There is no bright future in journalism.
- 74. By the time you're a features writer,
there won't be newspapers
- 75. as we know them because it'll just be
a shit storm on the Internet.
- 76. People posting nasty, fucking hateful
opinions that aren't even theirs
- 77. 'cause their editor told them to,
to get clickbait for fucking advertisers
- 78. because the world
is full of fuckin' morons.
- 79. It's awful. It's an awful future.
- 80. Tell you what, misery guts.
This might cheer you up... um...
- 81. Just been speaking to Jill,
- 82. and we might've got you a date.
- 83. - For what?
- 84. - Well, we know a lovely lady—
- Oh, a date?
- 85. - Yeah.
- Forget it!
- 86. Well, hang on. She's also a widow.
- 87. So we'd have a lot in common?
- 88. - I've told her all about you—
- 89. You told her I'm still married?
- 90. - Well, no. I mean—
- To your sister.
- 91. - No.
- Have you forgotten that?
- 92. Because I haven't. I still know the deal.
- 93. I'm just getting on with stuff
to keep you off my back until it's time.
- 94. Because when you see me,
for one moment you think
- 95. I look like I'm enjoying myself
for a split second,
- 96. know that in there I'm still
fucking in pain and the moment's ruined
- 97. 'cause I can't share it with her, okay?
- 98. And I can't fucking wait to be with her.
- 99. Tony, that doesn't make sense.
You're a rational man.
- 100. You don't even believe in an afterlife.
- 101. I know. She's nowhere, all right?
But get this through your head...
- 102. I'd rather be nowhere with her
than somewhere without her, all right?
- 103. Fucking hell.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
- 104. Oh, God.
- 105. I've been getting a bit of pressure...
- 106. to maybe start dating again.
- 107. I say "again." I've never dated.
- 108. I don't see the point.
- 109. I met someone, by chance,
- 110. and she turned out to be perfect,
- 111. and... I can't see
that ever happening again.
- 112. What about just...
- 113. - having fun?
- It won't be fun.
- 114. Yeah, again, shit attitude, mate.
- 115. All this,
"Oh, where's my soulmate?"
- 116. I'm not even sure it's natural
for us to have one mate for life.
- 117. It's pretty rare in most species,
I've gotta tell you.
- 118. There is... an Australian mouse.
- 119. Now, the male lives for a year,
- 120. because as soon as it becomes an adult
and it wants to mate,
- 121. it goes out and mates...
- 122. with about a hundred females.
- 123. Literally, it gets the horn,
- 124. and it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag
everything that moves."
- 125. And it does.
- 126. You know, there's no wooing,
there's no "Are we compatible?"
- 127. "Is she my soulmate?"
There's none of that.
- 128. He's just on her,
whether she likes it or not.
- 129. I mean, it's basically rape, yeah?
- 130. But there's no silly outcry.
- 131. And then...
- 132. exhausted...
- 133. dead.
- 134. That's £68, please.
- 135. Any plans for the weekend?
- 136. Gonna rape myself to death.
- 137. - Hi.
- 138. - Where's the other one?
- Which one?
- 139. Scottish, mouthy.
- 140. Emma. Do you want to speak to her?
- 141. Err... yeah, please.
- 142. Cheers.
- 143. You all right, Dad?
- 144. - Did you... wanna see me?
- 145. I'm sorry.
- 146. What for?
Doesn't matter, apparently.
- 147. - What doesn't matter?
- Why I'm apologizing.
- 148. I'm apologizing for...
- 149. being an arsehole in general.
- 150. Oh... right.
- 151. So are you apologizing
for being an arsehole so far,
- 152. or are you apologizing in advance?
- 153. I think you do a great job
with my dad, and...
- 154. I don't spend enough time with him.
- 155. All right. Fine.
- 156. I wouldn't worry about your dad.
- 157. Cheers.
- 158. about your dad.
- 159. You upset quite a few people today,
didn't you, Ray?
- 160. How?
- 161. Well, he told Ireney Tindall
that he'd like to do her from behind.
- 162. Why from behind?
- 163. - I don't really think that's the issue.
- No, sure—
- 164. - Ugly.
- Oh right.
- 165. And he accused Charlie Willis
of sucking off Elton John.
- 166. How old's Charlie Willis?
- 167. Eighty nine.
- 168. Dirty bastard.
- 169. - Anything else? Please say yes.
- Oh, yeah. He told Winston Freeman
- 170. that he has the cock of a Chinaman.
- 171. How do you know what a Chinaman's co—
You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.
- 172. - Ahh.
- 173. - Oh.
- 174. That's cheered me up.
- 175. Tough day at work?
- 176. I...
- 177. Some of the guys are trying to get me
to go on a date.
- 178. Mmm.
- 179. Well, you should probably
go on a date, then.
- 180. - Right, I'd better get back to work.
- Oh, okay.
- 181. - All right, bye.
- 182. All right, Ireney?
- 183. Here she is.
- 184. Get in here, you dirty cow.
- 185. My brother-in-law
wants me to try dating again.
- 186. Oh, excellent.
- 187. You need some tips.
- 188. Why would I need some tips?
- 189. Well, I imagine you're awful with women.
- 190. Yeah?
- 191. She's having a go, Stan.
- 192. Well, all men are awful,
- 193. but grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.
- 194. Oh, all right. Let me take notes.
This is dynamite. Go on.
- 195. Well, go on. What are you going to say
to her? I'll be your date.
- 196. What, role-play?
- 197. If you like.
- 198. Hi, I'm Tony.
- 199. I don't wanna appear ageist,
- 200. - but are those your own teeth?
- 201. That's probably a bad start,
is it, getting hit?
- 202. No.
- 203. It's good. You made me laugh,
- 204. but I'm assuming
that your date isn't as old as me.
- 205. Fuckin' hope not.
- 206. Swearing. Be serious!
- 207. I can't. I...
- 208. I'd just be honest.
- 209. Tell her my situation,
tell her what I'm going through,
- 210. be honest up front, and...
- 211. So just all about you, then?
- 212. What? I can't win, can I?
- 213. I don't wanna date again.
- 214. I don't wanna live without Lisa.
- 215. But it's not just all about you, is it?
- 216. That's what I'm saying.
- 217. What if a nice date made her feel good?
- 218. That might feel nice, right?
- 219. We're not just here for us,
we're here for others.
- 220. I don't do the whole God thing,
- 221. No, neither do I. Load of rubbish.
- 222. All we've got is each other.
- 223. We've got to help each other
struggle through till we die,
- 224. and then we're done.
- 225. No point in feeling sorry for ourselves
- 226. and making everyone else unhappy, too.
- 227. Might as well top yourself
if you feel like that.
- 228. Are you sure you wanna work
for the Samaritans?
- 229. All I'm saying is that...
- 230. I think that deep down,
- 231. that you still think life's worth living.
- 232. It's nowhere near over for you.
- 233. You're in pain.
- 234. But the thing you lost...
- 235. is the same thing that can stop that pain.
- 236. - I'm sorry.
- It's fine, seriously.
- 237. No, it's... I...
I shouldn't have...
- 238. I'll...
- 239. I'll do the date.
- 240. Really?
- 241. Great. Well, I'll call her
and book a restaurant.
- 242. Indian okay?
- 243. Yeah. I don't care what she is.
- 244. No, I meant... food.
- 245. Oh... Err...
- 246. No, Italian'd be best.
Soak up the alcohol.
- 247. Okay. Yeah, I'll book that.
- 248. Great.
- 249. So, what are you gonna wear?
- 250. - Why?
- Well, first impressions are important.
- 251. I mean, look at me and June.
- 252. She'd noticed my style
before my personality.
- 253. I don't care about first impre—
I don't care about any impression, do I?
- 254. If you want any help,
I could give you tips.
- 255. He's had a girlfriend for about a minute
and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.
- 256. And why do people think
I need tips with women?
- 257. Tips on style.
- 258. Tips on style?
- 259. From you?
- 260. - Yeah.
- Go on.
- 261. - Okay. Lunch or dinner?
- What difference does that make?
- 262. Well, for dinner,
she might wear a ball gown,
- 263. in which case
you'll wanna wear a dress suit.
- 264. But for lunch, you'll probably
get away with blazer and slacks?
- 265. - Slacks?
- Are you from the 1940s?
- 266. - No need to wear a suit.
- I won't.
- 267. - Smart jeans, nice shirt.
- Exactly, yeah.
- 268. Have you got smart jeans
and a nice shirt?
- 269. - Err...
- 270. I'll take you shopping, if you like.
- 271. But remember, black is slimming.
- 272. Can't work miracles though, can it?
- 273. Cheers, thank you.
- 274. I don't need to go shopping.
- 275. - Come on.
- 276. Yeah.
- 277. Ah. It's embarrassing.
- 278. No, it's not.
- 279. It is.
A grown man being told what to wear.
- 280. Go in here.
- 281. - Fuck off.
- 282. - Do you take requests?
- 283. Have you got any Bee Gees?
- 284. - What do you mean?
- Oh, sorry, I thought this was a disco.
- 285. He's very old.
- 286. Are you two together?
- 287. - No.
- No, I was gonna say...
- 288. Got one of these in 42 chest?
- 289. - Be nice.
- 290. It's not a waste of time,
you working here.
- 291. It is a good stepping stone,
and you can go on and do...
- 292. anything you want. I didn't...
- 293. 'cause I didn't want to.
- 294. I didn't do overtime,
try and get promoted, or...
- 295. get a better job in a different town.
- 296. I just wanted to get home every night...
- 297. spend every available minute
I could with Lisa.
- 298. And I made the right decision.
- 299. That's so lovely.
- 300. Don't cry.
Not in front of your new boyfriend.
- 301. - Here he comes.
- 302. Hi.
- 303. It just won't look as good in this size.
- 304. I could see the look of
disappointment when I went in his shop.
- 305. - Hello.
- You all right?
- 306. Yeah.
- 307. This is Sandy, who works for me.
- 308. - Hello, Sandy.
- 309. - This is...
- Nice to meet you.
- 310. Daphne,
- 311. who's a cleaner, my cleaner.
- 312. Yeah.
- 313. I'm his cleaner.
- 314. Err...
- 315. Not his friend or anything with a job
he's embarrassed about on my behalf.
- 316. Anyway,
- 317. I was just on my way to your house
to do some cleaning,
- 318. and I forgot my keys,
so it's lucky we ran into each other.
- 319. But he's just gonna give me his
'cause I'm his cleaner.
- 320. - It's not a problem, is it?
- 321. Trust your cleaner.
Give your keys to your cleaner.
- 322. It's not like giving them
to a prostitute, is it?
- 323. - See you later!
- Hope so.
- 324. You all right, George?
- 325. You left the keys in the door.
- 326. - Did I?
- 327. That's amazing.
- 328. Can't believe you've done all this.
- 329. I can't believe you gave me your keys.
- 330. I didn't wanna back down.
- 331. I know.
- 332. How much do I owe you?
- 333. Nothing.
- 334. Just wanted to see if you trusted me.
- 335. Sorry about the whole...
- 336. saying you're my cleaner.
- 337. I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.
- 338. Sex worker.
- 339. And only 'cause people prejudge you
when you say that,
- 340. and I don't wanna scare the new girl.
"This is my friend, she's a prostitute."
- 341. - Sex worker.
- 342. No worries.
- 343. D'you want a coffee?
- 344. No, I've just had one.
- 345. Actually, I've got to be going.
- 346. You sure I can't give you anything
- 347. No, it's my pleasure.
- 348. Not everyone is out to get you, Tony.
- 349. Most people are all right.
They're just having a bad day.
- 350. Sometimes they don't think, they get
caught up. They're just trying to survive.
- 351. Bad things happen to good people,
good things happen to bad people,
- 352. and sometimes...
- 353. it's just no one's fault.
- 354. Cheers.
- 355. Right, shoes on. See you later, mate.
- 356. See you later.
- 357. Good girl.
- 358. Uh-uh-uh.
- 359. I should say from the off,
- 360. I didn't want to do this,
but Matt said you're a widow, too, and,
- 361. you know, absolutely nothing,
apart from eating,
- 362. could ever come of this
- 363. because I'm still attached to my wife,
- 364. and... I'm just being honest.
Is this your way of saying
we're gonna split the bill?
- 365. Erm, champagne.
- 366. Definitely splitting the bill.
- 367. - Any particular sort?
- 368. You know what?
It's a mouthful of painkiller.
- 369. This is good schtick.
You know, dark and down.
- 370. But you're obviously not really suicidal.
It's just bullshit.
- 371. Right, that's where you're wrong.
- 372. No, I know the story.
But seriously though,
- 373. how hard is suicide?
- 374. My husband did it.
- 375. Threw himself off Beachy Head,
hit the rocks,
- 376. skull exploded. Poof! Efficient.
- 377. He was shit at everything else,
but gotta give him his due.
- 378. He really knew what
he was doing when it came to suicide.
- 379. - Wow.
- Wow indeed.
- 380. And no, I'm not grieving. He was a cunt.
- 381. Well, I'm sure
you gave as good as you got.
- 382. - Oh, I did.
- Oh, I believe you.
- 383. Why are you so sarcastic all the time?
- 384. 'Cause it stops me killing people,
- 385. - Gotta do what you've gotta do.
- You have, indeed... and...
- 386. I... nearly took some pills.
- 387. You nearly took some pills?
- 388. - What is wrong with you?
- No, what is wrong with you?
- 389. Why couldn't you go through with it?
- 390. Because I had to look after my dog.
- 391. - That's an excuse.
- It's not an excuse. It's a reason.
- 392. Because I realized that my wife
- 393. was probably the only human being
I actually liked, and my dog is second.
- 394. Well, maybe I could come third.
- 395. Yeah, good luck.
- 396. No, but I do get it.
- 397. Some people just feel more comfortable
around animals then they do around people.
- 398. I'm comfortable around humans.
I just think animals are better.
- 399. That's because you're hurt
- 400. and you've lost someone
and you think no one compares. Mmm.
- 401. No one does compare.
- 402. No offense.
- 403. No, none taken.
- 404. And the reason
animals are better than people
- 405. is because they just get on with it.
- 406. - They don't whinge all the time—
- Unlike you.
- 407. What d'you mean?
- 408. We haven't stopped whinging
since we got here. No offense.
- 409. - Well, this is nice.
- 410. - Cheers, thanks.
- 411. - Can I tell you about the specials?
- 412. Fuckin' hell.
- 413. Good.
- 414. - Fuckin' let go!
- Fuck off!
- 415. Cunt!
- 416. - Well, that was really silly.
- 417. Well, they could have had some acid
or stabbed you or something.
- 418. Told you...
- 419. - I don't care.
- What if they'd stabbed me?
- 420. - Oh, cheers.
- 421. Me again.
- 422. This must be why they call it a habit.
- 423. - Yep.
- 424. You know I know how you feel?
- 425. Okay, try imagining if...
- 426. everyone you told
about your wife dying just...
- 427. thought it was their own fault.
- 428. What d'you mean?
- 429. Well, Mel was an addict, wasn't she?
- 430. She injected herself, so...
- 431. you know, most people just think
it was her fault.
- 432. Don't feel the same sympathy
- 433. for me or for her. I mean...
- 434. Every minute of every day
that I have my wits about me,
- 435. all I can think about is...
- 436. getting some gear
before I become too fucking conscious.
- 437. When I was with...
- 438. Lisa,
- 439. we'd sort of get home,
open a bottle of wine...
- 440. and go, "Yay! Just us. Let's party."
- 441. And by "party,"
- 442. I mean... sit here like this,
with the dog,
- 443. watching telly,
or listening to music, or just talking.
- 444. Just, the more we talked,
- 445. the more we drank.
- 446. We didn't want the night to end.
- 447. Now I drink...
- 448. 'cause I want the night to end.
- 449. It's like I'm already dead inside,
and yet I'm still...
- 450. in the worst kind of pain.
- 451. Well...
- 452. as long as we're having fun.
- 453. I still can't believe
we've got so much in common.
- 454. We don't have anything in common.
- 455. Why do you say that, though?
- 456. Well... the big difference is...
- 457. you haven't given up yet, have you?
- 458. I mean, me, I would quite happily
die right now.
- 459. If I had enough money,
- 460. I would just take as many drugs
as I possibly could.
- 461. Don't waste it on food.