1. Oh! Oh my god.Copy !req
2. Oh, my— I'm not even in the house.Copy !req
3. - I'm fucking soaked.Copy !req
4. I'm not even in the house.
How long have you had that there?Copy !req
5. About 40 minutes, right.
'Cause I was just waiting like a dogCopy !req
6. - at the window.
- You prick.Copy !req
7. I can't believe that I'm soaked!Copy !req
8. - Ahh, tough day at work?
- No.Copy !req
9. Really easy day at work.Copy !req
10. No. Tough time the second
I get into my own house.Copy !req
11. Look at how happy you are.Copy !req
12. Good girl.Copy !req
13. - Are you goin' in there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
14. - Can you give that to him?
- Yeah, course.Copy !req
15. Ta.Copy !req
16. - You're a friend of his are you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
17. Oh.Copy !req
18. - All right?
- Some post.Copy !req
19. - Where d'you get that?
- Postman gave it to me.Copy !req
20. What?Copy !req
21. Oh, for f—Copy !req
22. Should've made him
put it through the letterbox.Copy !req
23. I was walking along the side of the road
'cause there was no pavement.Copy !req
24. I slipped down this steep bank
and onto some rubbish—Copy !req
25. big chunk of wood with, like, a nail,
metal spike sticking out of it—Copy !req
26. and went right on it.Copy !req
27. Well, it just went right through me,
right through me side,Copy !req
28. out me back.Copy !req
29. There was blood everywhere.Copy !req
30. It's a miracle I'm still aliveCopy !req
31. 'cause the doctor said,
because I'm so big,Copy !req
32. it just went straight through meCopy !req
33. and missed me vital organs.Copy !req
34. - You know, just straight through the—
- Flab.Copy !req
35. So, in a way, my fatness saved my life.Copy !req
36. Not really.Copy !req
37. If you'd have been thin,Copy !req
38. the spike would have missed you
altogether, wouldn't it?
You'd just be lying next to a spike.
Not a problem.Copy !req
39. Hmm.Copy !req
40. Cheers.Copy !req
41. Good pictures.Copy !req
42. Lisa's old room.Copy !req
43. Ahh.Copy !req
44. Hungry?Copy !req
45. Stupid question.Copy !req
46. Thought you were gonna grab
the back of my neck.Copy !req
47. Not yet.Copy !req
48. Say you wanna use this photo
here, you just...Copy !req
49. take the file P100124. jpg,Copy !req
50. and you just drag it across
and pop it in the folder and it uploads.Copy !req
51. That's done.
And then check the next image.Copy !req
52. Looks like P100125. jpg.Copy !req
53. You just click it, move it across,
pop it in the folder.Copy !req
54. - Fuck me!Copy !req
55. Why do you wanna work here?Copy !req
56. - It's exciting.
- What is?Copy !req
57. Journalism.Copy !req
58. - This isn't fucking journalism.
- You've gotta start somewhere.Copy !req
59. Yeah, but if you start here,
you'll end here.Copy !req
60. Look at this.Copy !req
61. Not true, actually, no.Copy !req
62. No, this is a great stepping stone,
this place.Copy !req
63. There was a guy
who worked here a while ago,Copy !req
64. - went on to work for The Guardian.
- What was his name?Copy !req
65. - No, I can't remember his name.
- Oh, he made it big then?Copy !req
66. - The point is—
- Bill Coombes.Copy !req
67. Wasn't here long.Copy !req
68. Was a bit grabby.Copy !req
69. I do get that a lot though.Copy !req
70. He's a lorry driver now.Copy !req
71. Since the court case.Copy !req
72. I didn't know that.
But the point is, okay,Copy !req
73. you start here, then you go on
to have a bright future in journalism.Copy !req
74. There is no bright future in journalism.Copy !req
75. By the time you're a features writer,
there won't be newspapersCopy !req
76. as we know them because it'll just be
a shit storm on the Internet.Copy !req
77. People posting nasty, fucking hateful
opinions that aren't even theirsCopy !req
78. 'cause their editor told them to,
to get clickbait for fucking advertisersCopy !req
79. because the world
is full of fuckin' morons.Copy !req
80. It's awful. It's an awful future.Copy !req
81. Tell you what, misery guts.
This might cheer you up... um...Copy !req
82. Just been speaking to Jill,Copy !req
83. and we might've got you a date.Copy !req
84. - For what?
- For...Copy !req
85. - Well, we know a lovely lady—
- Oh, a date?Copy !req
86. - Yeah.
- Forget it!Copy !req
87. Well, hang on. She's also a widow.Copy !req
88. So we'd have a lot in common?Copy !req
89. - I've told her all about you—
- Yeah?Copy !req
90. You told her I'm still married?Copy !req
91. - Well, no. I mean—
- To your sister.Copy !req
92. - No.
- Have you forgotten that?Copy !req
93. Because I haven't. I still know the deal.Copy !req
94. I'm just getting on with stuff
to keep you off my back until it's time.Copy !req
95. Because when you see me,
for one moment you thinkCopy !req
96. I look like I'm enjoying myself
for a split second,Copy !req
97. know that in there I'm still
fucking in pain and the moment's ruinedCopy !req
98. 'cause I can't share it with her, okay?Copy !req
99. And I can't fucking wait to be with her.Copy !req
100. Tony, that doesn't make sense.
You're a rational man.Copy !req
101. You don't even believe in an afterlife.Copy !req
102. I know. She's nowhere, all right?
But get this through your head...Copy !req
103. I'd rather be nowhere with her
than somewhere without her, all right?Copy !req
104. Fucking hell.
Why can't you just leave me alone?Copy !req
105. Oh, God.Copy !req
106. I've been getting a bit of pressure...Copy !req
107. to maybe start dating again.Copy !req
108. I say "again." I've never dated.Copy !req
109. I don't see the point.Copy !req
110. I met someone, by chance,Copy !req
111. and she turned out to be perfect,Copy !req
112. and... I can't see
that ever happening again.Copy !req
113. What about just...Copy !req
114. - having fun?
- It won't be fun.Copy !req
115. Yeah, again, shit attitude, mate.Copy !req
116. All this,
"Oh, where's my soulmate?"Copy !req
117. I'm not even sure it's natural
for us to have one mate for life.Copy !req
118. It's pretty rare in most species,
I've gotta tell you.Copy !req
119. There is... an Australian mouse.Copy !req
120. Now, the male lives for a year,Copy !req
121. because as soon as it becomes an adult
and it wants to mate,Copy !req
122. it goes out and mates...Copy !req
123. with about a hundred females.Copy !req
124. Literally, it gets the horn,Copy !req
125. and it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag
everything that moves."Copy !req
126. And it does.Copy !req
127. You know, there's no wooing,
there's no "Are we compatible?"Copy !req
128. "Is she my soulmate?"
There's none of that.Copy !req
129. He's just on her,
whether she likes it or not.Copy !req
130. I mean, it's basically rape, yeah?Copy !req
131. But there's no silly outcry.Copy !req
132. And then...Copy !req
133. exhausted...Copy !req
134. dead.Copy !req
135. That's £68, please.Copy !req
136. Any plans for the weekend?Copy !req
137. Gonna rape myself to death.Copy !req
138. - Hi.
- Hello.Copy !req
139. - Where's the other one?
- Which one?Copy !req
140. Scottish, mouthy.Copy !req
141. Emma. Do you want to speak to her?Copy !req
142. Err... yeah, please.Copy !req
143. Cheers.Copy !req
144. You all right, Dad?Copy !req
145. - Did you... wanna see me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
146. I'm sorry.Copy !req
147. What for?
Doesn't matter, apparently.Copy !req
148. - What doesn't matter?
- Why I'm apologizing.Copy !req
149. I'm apologizing for...Copy !req
150. being an arsehole in general.Copy !req
151. Oh... right.Copy !req
152. So are you apologizing
for being an arsehole so far,Copy !req
153. or are you apologizing in advance?Copy !req
154. I think you do a great job
with my dad, and...Copy !req
155. I don't spend enough time with him.Copy !req
156. All right. Fine.Copy !req
157. I wouldn't worry about your dad.Copy !req
158. Cheers.
Yeah...Copy !req
159. about your dad.Copy !req
160. You upset quite a few people today,
didn't you, Ray?Copy !req
161. How?Copy !req
162. Well, he told Ireney Tindall
that he'd like to do her from behind.Copy !req
163. Why from behind?Copy !req
164. - I don't really think that's the issue.
- No, sure—Copy !req
165. - Ugly.
- Oh right.Copy !req
166. And he accused Charlie Willis
of sucking off Elton John.Copy !req
167. How old's Charlie Willis?Copy !req
168. Eighty nine.Copy !req
169. Dirty bastard.Copy !req
170. - Anything else? Please say yes.
- Oh, yeah. He told Winston FreemanCopy !req
171. that he has the cock of a Chinaman.Copy !req
172. How do you know what a Chinaman's co—
You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.Copy !req
173. - Ahh.Copy !req
174. - Oh.
- Oh.Copy !req
175. That's cheered me up.Copy !req
176. Tough day at work?Copy !req
177. I...Copy !req
178. Some of the guys are trying to get me
to go on a date.Copy !req
179. Mmm.Copy !req
180. Well, you should probably
go on a date, then.Copy !req
181. - Right, I'd better get back to work.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
182. - All right, bye.
- Cheers.Copy !req
183. All right, Ireney?Copy !req
184. Here she is.Copy !req
185. Get in here, you dirty cow.Copy !req
186. My brother-in-law
wants me to try dating again.Copy !req
187. Oh, excellent.Copy !req
188. You need some tips.Copy !req
189. Why would I need some tips?Copy !req
190. Well, I imagine you're awful with women.Copy !req
191. Yeah?Copy !req
192. She's having a go, Stan.Copy !req
193. Well, all men are awful,Copy !req
194. but grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.Copy !req
195. Oh, all right. Let me take notes.
This is dynamite. Go on.Copy !req
196. Well, go on. What are you going to say
to her? I'll be your date.Copy !req
197. What, role-play?Copy !req
198. If you like.Copy !req
199. Hi, I'm Tony.Copy !req
200. I don't wanna appear ageist,Copy !req
201. - but are those your own teeth?Copy !req
202. That's probably a bad start,
is it, getting hit?Copy !req
203. No.Copy !req
204. It's good. You made me laugh,Copy !req
205. but I'm assuming
that your date isn't as old as me.Copy !req
206. Fuckin' hope not.Copy !req
207. Swearing. Be serious!Copy !req
208. I can't. I...Copy !req
209. I'd just be honest.Copy !req
210. Tell her my situation,
tell her what I'm going through,Copy !req
211. be honest up front, and...Copy !req
212. So just all about you, then?Copy !req
213. What? I can't win, can I?Copy !req
214. I don't wanna date again.Copy !req
215. I don't wanna live without Lisa.Copy !req
216. But it's not just all about you, is it?Copy !req
217. That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
218. What if a nice date made her feel good?Copy !req
219. That might feel nice, right?Copy !req
220. We're not just here for us,
we're here for others.Copy !req
221. I don't do the whole God thing,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
222. No, neither do I. Load of rubbish.Copy !req
223. All we've got is each other.Copy !req
224. We've got to help each other
struggle through till we die,Copy !req
225. and then we're done.Copy !req
226. No point in feeling sorry for ourselvesCopy !req
227. and making everyone else unhappy, too.Copy !req
228. Might as well top yourself
if you feel like that.Copy !req
229. Are you sure you wanna work
for the Samaritans?Copy !req
230. All I'm saying is that...Copy !req
231. I think that deep down,Copy !req
232. that you still think life's worth living.Copy !req
233. It's nowhere near over for you.Copy !req
234. You're in pain.Copy !req
235. But the thing you lost...Copy !req
236. is the same thing that can stop that pain.Copy !req
237. - I'm sorry.
- It's fine, seriously.Copy !req
238. No, it's... I...
I shouldn't have...Copy !req
239. I'll...Copy !req
240. I'll do the date.Copy !req
241. Really?Copy !req
242. Great. Well, I'll call her
and book a restaurant.Copy !req
243. Indian okay?Copy !req
244. Yeah. I don't care what she is.Copy !req
245. No, I meant... food.Copy !req
246. Oh... Err...Copy !req
247. No, Italian'd be best.
Soak up the alcohol.Copy !req
248. Okay. Yeah, I'll book that.Copy !req
249. Great.Copy !req
250. So, what are you gonna wear?Copy !req
251. - Why?
- Well, first impressions are important.Copy !req
252. I mean, look at me and June.Copy !req
253. She'd noticed my style
before my personality.Copy !req
254. I don't care about first impre—
I don't care about any impression, do I?Copy !req
255. If you want any help,
I could give you tips.Copy !req
256. He's had a girlfriend for about a minute
and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.Copy !req
257. And why do people think
I need tips with women?Copy !req
258. Tips on style.Copy !req
259. Tips on style?Copy !req
260. From you?Copy !req
261. - Yeah.
- Go on.Copy !req
262. - Okay. Lunch or dinner?
- What difference does that make?Copy !req
263. Well, for dinner,
she might wear a ball gown,Copy !req
264. in which case
you'll wanna wear a dress suit.Copy !req
265. But for lunch, you'll probably
get away with blazer and slacks?Copy !req
266. - Slacks?
- Are you from the 1940s?Copy !req
267. - No need to wear a suit.
- I won't.Copy !req
268. - Smart jeans, nice shirt.
- Exactly, yeah.Copy !req
269. Have you got smart jeans
and a nice shirt?Copy !req
270. - Err...
- Hm.Copy !req
271. I'll take you shopping, if you like.Copy !req
272. But remember, black is slimming.Copy !req
273. Can't work miracles though, can it?Copy !req
274. Cheers, thank you.Copy !req
275. I don't need to go shopping.Copy !req
276. - Come on.
- Really?Copy !req
277. Yeah.Copy !req
278. Ah. It's embarrassing.Copy !req
279. No, it's not.Copy !req
280. It is.
A grown man being told what to wear.Copy !req
281. Go in here.Copy !req
282. - Fuck off.Copy !req
283. - Do you take requests?
- What?Copy !req
284. Have you got any Bee Gees?Copy !req
285. - What do you mean?
- Oh, sorry, I thought this was a disco.Copy !req
286. He's very old.Copy !req
287. Are you two together?Copy !req
288. - No.
- No, I was gonna say...Copy !req
289. Got one of these in 42 chest?Copy !req
290. - Be nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
291. It's not a waste of time,
you working here.Copy !req
292. It is a good stepping stone,
and you can go on and do...Copy !req
293. anything you want. I didn't...Copy !req
294. 'cause I didn't want to.Copy !req
295. I didn't do overtime,
try and get promoted, or...Copy !req
296. get a better job in a different town.
I just...Copy !req
297. I just wanted to get home every night...Copy !req
298. spend every available minute
I could with Lisa.Copy !req
299. And I made the right decision.Copy !req
300. That's so lovely.Copy !req
301. Don't cry.
Not in front of your new boyfriend.Copy !req
302. - Here he comes.Copy !req
303. Hi.Copy !req
304. It just won't look as good in this size.Copy !req
305. I could see the look of
disappointment when I went in his shop.Copy !req
306. - Hello.
- You all right?Copy !req
307. Yeah.Copy !req
308. This is Sandy, who works for me.Copy !req
309. - Hello, Sandy.
- Hello.Copy !req
310. - This is...
- Nice to meet you.Copy !req
311. Daphne,Copy !req
312. who's a cleaner, my cleaner.Copy !req
313. Yeah.Copy !req
314. I'm his cleaner.Copy !req
315. Err...Copy !req
316. Not his friend or anything with a job
he's embarrassed about on my behalf.Copy !req
317. Anyway,Copy !req
318. I was just on my way to your house
to do some cleaning,Copy !req
319. and I forgot my keys,
so it's lucky we ran into each other.Copy !req
320. But he's just gonna give me his
'cause I'm his cleaner.Copy !req
321. - It's not a problem, is it?
- No.Copy !req
322. Trust your cleaner.
Give your keys to your cleaner.Copy !req
323. It's not like giving them
to a prostitute, is it?Copy !req
324. - See you later!
- Hope so.Copy !req
325. You all right, George?Copy !req
326. You left the keys in the door.Copy !req
327. - Did I?
- Yeah.Copy !req
328. That's amazing.Copy !req
329. Can't believe you've done all this.Copy !req
330. I can't believe you gave me your keys.Copy !req
331. I didn't wanna back down.Copy !req
332. I know.Copy !req
333. How much do I owe you?Copy !req
334. Nothing.Copy !req
335. Just wanted to see if you trusted me.Copy !req
336. Sorry about the whole...Copy !req
337. saying you're my cleaner.Copy !req
338. I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.Copy !req
339. Sex worker.Copy !req
340. And only 'cause people prejudge you
when you say that,Copy !req
341. and I don't wanna scare the new girl.
"This is my friend, she's a prostitute."Copy !req
342. - Sex worker.
- Right.Copy !req
343. No worries.Copy !req
344. D'you want a coffee?Copy !req
345. No, I've just had one.Copy !req
346. Actually, I've got to be going.Copy !req
347. You sure I can't give you anything
for this?Copy !req
348. No, it's my pleasure.Copy !req
349. Not everyone is out to get you, Tony.Copy !req
350. Most people are all right.
They're just having a bad day.Copy !req
351. Sometimes they don't think, they get
caught up. They're just trying to survive.Copy !req
352. Bad things happen to good people,
good things happen to bad people,Copy !req
353. and sometimes...Copy !req
354. it's just no one's fault.Copy !req
355. Cheers.Copy !req
356. Right, shoes on. See you later, mate.Copy !req
357. See you later.Copy !req
358. Good girl.Copy !req
359. Uh-uh-uh.
Good.Copy !req
360. I should say from the off,Copy !req
361. I didn't want to do this,
but Matt said you're a widow, too, and,Copy !req
362. you know, absolutely nothing,
apart from eating,Copy !req
363. could ever come of thisCopy !req
364. because I'm still attached to my wife,Copy !req
365. and... I'm just being honest.
Is this your way of saying
we're gonna split the bill?Copy !req
366. Erm, champagne.Copy !req
367. Definitely splitting the bill.
Whiskey, please.Copy !req
368. - Any particular sort?
- Large.
Oh, discerning.Copy !req
369. You know what?
It's a mouthful of painkiller.Copy !req
370. This is good schtick.
You know, dark and down.Copy !req
371. But you're obviously not really suicidal.
It's just bullshit.Copy !req
372. Right, that's where you're wrong.Copy !req
373. No, I know the story.
But seriously though,Copy !req
374. how hard is suicide?Copy !req
375. My husband did it.Copy !req
376. Threw himself off Beachy Head,
hit the rocks,Copy !req
377. skull exploded. Poof! Efficient.Copy !req
378. He was shit at everything else,
but gotta give him his due.Copy !req
379. He really knew what
he was doing when it came to suicide.Copy !req
380. - Wow.
- Wow indeed.Copy !req
381. And no, I'm not grieving. He was a cunt.Copy !req
382. Well, I'm sure
you gave as good as you got.Copy !req
383. - Oh, I did.
- Oh, I believe you.Copy !req
384. Why are you so sarcastic all the time?Copy !req
385. 'Cause it stops me killing people,
including myself.Copy !req
386. - Gotta do what you've gotta do.
- You have, indeed... and...Copy !req
387. I... nearly took some pills.Copy !req
388. You nearly took some pills?
Jesus Christ.Copy !req
389. - What is wrong with you?
- No, what is wrong with you?Copy !req
390. Why couldn't you go through with it?Copy !req
391. Because I had to look after my dog.Copy !req
392. - That's an excuse.
- It's not an excuse. It's a reason.Copy !req
393. Because I realized that my wifeCopy !req
394. was probably the only human being
I actually liked, and my dog is second.Copy !req
395. Well, maybe I could come third.Copy !req
396. Yeah, good luck.Copy !req
397. No, but I do get it.Copy !req
398. Some people just feel more comfortable
around animals then they do around people.Copy !req
399. I'm comfortable around humans.
I just think animals are better.Copy !req
400. That's because you're hurtCopy !req
401. and you've lost someone
and you think no one compares. Mmm.Copy !req
402. No one does compare.Copy !req
403. No offense.Copy !req
404. No, none taken.Copy !req
405. And the reason
animals are better than peopleCopy !req
406. is because they just get on with it.Copy !req
407. - They don't whinge all the time—
- Unlike you.Copy !req
408. What d'you mean?Copy !req
409. We haven't stopped whinging
since we got here. No offense.Copy !req
410. - Well, this is nice.
- Mmm.Copy !req
411. - Cheers, thanks.
- Cheers.Copy !req
412. - Can I tell you about the specials?
- No.Copy !req
413. Fuckin' hell.Copy !req
414. Good.Copy !req
415. - Fuckin' let go!
- Fuck off!Copy !req
416. Cunt!Copy !req
417. - Well, that was really silly.
- Why?Copy !req
418. Well, they could have had some acid
or stabbed you or something.Copy !req
419. Told you...Copy !req
420. - I don't care.
- What if they'd stabbed me?Copy !req
421. - Oh, cheers.
- Pleasure.Copy !req
422. Me again.Copy !req
423. This must be why they call it a habit.Copy !req
424. - Yep.
- Yep.Copy !req
425. You know I know how you feel?Copy !req
426. Okay, try imagining if...Copy !req
427. everyone you told
about your wife dying just...Copy !req
428. thought it was their own fault.Copy !req
429. What d'you mean?Copy !req
430. Well, Mel was an addict, wasn't she?Copy !req
431. She injected herself, so...Copy !req
432. you know, most people just think
it was her fault.Copy !req
433. Don't feel the same sympathyCopy !req
434. for me or for her. I mean...Copy !req
435. Every minute of every day
that I have my wits about me,Copy !req
436. all I can think about is...Copy !req
437. getting some gear
before I become too fucking conscious.Copy !req
438. When I was with...Copy !req
439. Lisa,Copy !req
440. we'd sort of get home,
open a bottle of wine...Copy !req
441. and go, "Yay! Just us. Let's party."Copy !req
442. And by "party,"Copy !req
443. I mean... sit here like this,
with the dog,Copy !req
444. watching telly,
or listening to music, or just talking.Copy !req
445. Just, the more we talked,Copy !req
446. the more we drank.Copy !req
447. We didn't want the night to end.Copy !req
448. Now I drink...Copy !req
449. 'cause I want the night to end.Copy !req
450. It's like I'm already dead inside,
and yet I'm still...Copy !req
451. in the worst kind of pain.Copy !req
452. Well...Copy !req
453. as long as we're having fun.Copy !req
454. I still can't believe
we've got so much in common.Copy !req
455. We don't have anything in common.Copy !req
456. Why do you say that, though?Copy !req
457. Well... the big difference is...Copy !req
458. you haven't given up yet, have you?Copy !req
459. I mean, me, I would quite happily
die right now.Copy !req
460. If I had enough money,Copy !req
461. I would just take as many drugs
as I possibly could.Copy !req
462. Don't waste it on food.Copy !req