1. Oh! Oh my god.Copy !req
2. Oh, my— I'm not even in the house.Copy !req
3. - I'm fucking soaked.Copy !req
4. I'm not even in the house.
How long have you had that there?Copy !req
5. About 40 minutes, right.
'Cause I was just waiting like a dogCopy !req
6. - at the window.
- You prick.Copy !req
7. I can't believe that I'm soaked!Copy !req
8. - Ahh, tough day at work?
- No.Copy !req
9. Really easy day at work.Copy !req
10. No. Tough time the second
I get into my own house.Copy !req
11. Look at how happy you are.Copy !req
12. Good girl.Copy !req
13. - Are you goin' in there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
14. - Can you give that to him?
- Yeah, course.Copy !req
15. Ta.Copy !req
16. - You're a friend of his are you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
17. Oh.Copy !req
18. - All right?
- Some post.Copy !req
19. - Where d'you get that?
- Postman gave it to me.Copy !req
20. What?Copy !req
21. Oh, for f—Copy !req
22. Should've made him
put it through the letterbox.Copy !req
23. I was walking along the side of the road
'cause there was no pavement.Copy !req
24. I slipped down this steep bank
and onto some rubbish—Copy !req
25. big chunk of wood with, like, a nail,
metal spike sticking out of it—Copy !req
26. and went right on it.Copy !req
27. Well, it just went right through me,
right through me side,Copy !req
28. out me back.Copy !req
29. There was blood everywhere.Copy !req
30. It's a miracle I'm still aliveCopy !req
31. 'cause the doctor said,
because I'm so big,Copy !req
32. it just went straight through meCopy !req
33. and missed me vital organs.Copy !req
34. - You know, just straight through the—
- Flab.Copy !req
35. So, in a way, my fatness saved my life.Copy !req
36. Not really.Copy !req
37. If you'd have been thin,Copy !req
38. Hmm.Copy !req
39. Cheers.Copy !req
40. Good pictures.Copy !req
41. Lisa's old room.Copy !req
42. Ahh.Copy !req
43. Hungry?Copy !req
44. Stupid question.Copy !req
45. Thought you were gonna grab
the back of my neck.Copy !req
46. Not yet.Copy !req
47. Say you wanna use this photo
here, you just...Copy !req
48. take the file P100124. jpg,Copy !req
49. and you just drag it across
and pop it in the folder and it uploads.Copy !req
50. That's done.
And then check the next image.Copy !req
51. Looks like P100125. jpg.Copy !req
52. You just click it, move it across,
pop it in the folder.Copy !req
53. - Fuck me!Copy !req
54. Why do you wanna work here?Copy !req
55. - It's exciting.
- What is?Copy !req
56. Journalism.Copy !req
57. - This isn't fucking journalism.
- You've gotta start somewhere.Copy !req
58. Yeah, but if you start here,
you'll end here.Copy !req
59. Look at this.Copy !req
60. Not true, actually, no.Copy !req
61. No, this is a great stepping stone,
this place.Copy !req
62. There was a guy
who worked here a while ago,Copy !req
63. - went on to work for The Guardian.
- What was his name?Copy !req
64. - No, I can't remember his name.
- Oh, he made it big then?Copy !req
65. - The point is—
- Bill Coombes.Copy !req
66. Wasn't here long.Copy !req
67. Was a bit grabby.Copy !req
68. I do get that a lot though.Copy !req
69. He's a lorry driver now.Copy !req
70. Since the court case.Copy !req
71. I didn't know that.
But the point is, okay,Copy !req
72. you start here, then you go on
to have a bright future in journalism.Copy !req
73. There is no bright future in journalism.Copy !req
74. By the time you're a features writer,
there won't be newspapersCopy !req
75. as we know them because it'll just be
a shit storm on the Internet.Copy !req
76. People posting nasty, fucking hateful
opinions that aren't even theirsCopy !req
77. 'cause their editor told them to,
to get clickbait for fucking advertisersCopy !req
78. because the world
is full of fuckin' morons.Copy !req
79. It's awful. It's an awful future.Copy !req
80. Tell you what, misery guts.
This might cheer you up... um...Copy !req
81. Just been speaking to Jill,Copy !req
82. and we might've got you a date.Copy !req
83. - For what?
- For...Copy !req
84. - Well, we know a lovely lady—
- Oh, a date?Copy !req
85. - Yeah.
- Forget it!Copy !req
86. Well, hang on. She's also a widow.Copy !req
87. So we'd have a lot in common?Copy !req
88. - I've told her all about you—
- Yeah?Copy !req
89. You told her I'm still married?Copy !req
90. - Well, no. I mean—
- To your sister.Copy !req
91. - No.
- Have you forgotten that?Copy !req
92. Because I haven't. I still know the deal.Copy !req
93. I'm just getting on with stuff
to keep you off my back until it's time.Copy !req
94. Because when you see me,
for one moment you thinkCopy !req
95. I look like I'm enjoying myself
for a split second,Copy !req
96. know that in there I'm still
fucking in pain and the moment's ruinedCopy !req
97. 'cause I can't share it with her, okay?Copy !req
98. And I can't fucking wait to be with her.Copy !req
99. Tony, that doesn't make sense.
You're a rational man.Copy !req
100. You don't even believe in an afterlife.Copy !req
101. I know. She's nowhere, all right?
But get this through your head...Copy !req
102. I'd rather be nowhere with her
than somewhere without her, all right?Copy !req
103. Fucking hell.
Why can't you just leave me alone?Copy !req
104. Oh, God.Copy !req
105. I've been getting a bit of pressure...Copy !req
106. to maybe start dating again.Copy !req
107. I say "again." I've never dated.Copy !req
108. I don't see the point.Copy !req
109. I met someone, by chance,Copy !req
110. and she turned out to be perfect,Copy !req
111. and... I can't see
that ever happening again.Copy !req
112. What about just...Copy !req
113. - having fun?
- It won't be fun.Copy !req
114. Yeah, again, shit attitude, mate.Copy !req
115. All this,
"Oh, where's my soulmate?"Copy !req
116. I'm not even sure it's natural
for us to have one mate for life.Copy !req
117. It's pretty rare in most species,
I've gotta tell you.Copy !req
118. There is... an Australian mouse.Copy !req
119. Now, the male lives for a year,Copy !req
120. because as soon as it becomes an adult
and it wants to mate,Copy !req
121. it goes out and mates...Copy !req
122. with about a hundred females.Copy !req
123. Literally, it gets the horn,Copy !req
124. and it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag
everything that moves."Copy !req
125. And it does.Copy !req
126. You know, there's no wooing,
there's no "Are we compatible?"Copy !req
127. "Is she my soulmate?"
There's none of that.Copy !req
128. He's just on her,
whether she likes it or not.Copy !req
129. I mean, it's basically rape, yeah?Copy !req
130. But there's no silly outcry.Copy !req
131. And then...Copy !req
132. exhausted...Copy !req
133. dead.Copy !req
134. That's £68, please.Copy !req
135. Any plans for the weekend?Copy !req
136. Gonna rape myself to death.Copy !req
137. - Hi.
- Hello.Copy !req
138. - Where's the other one?
- Which one?Copy !req
139. Scottish, mouthy.Copy !req
140. Emma. Do you want to speak to her?Copy !req
141. Err... yeah, please.Copy !req
142. Cheers.Copy !req
143. You all right, Dad?Copy !req
144. - Did you... wanna see me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
145. I'm sorry.Copy !req
146. What for?
Doesn't matter, apparently.Copy !req
147. - What doesn't matter?
- Why I'm apologizing.Copy !req
148. I'm apologizing for...Copy !req
149. being an arsehole in general.Copy !req
150. Oh... right.Copy !req
151. So are you apologizing
for being an arsehole so far,Copy !req
152. or are you apologizing in advance?Copy !req
153. I think you do a great job
with my dad, and...Copy !req
154. I don't spend enough time with him.Copy !req
155. All right. Fine.Copy !req
156. I wouldn't worry about your dad.Copy !req
157. Cheers.
Yeah...Copy !req
158. about your dad.Copy !req
159. You upset quite a few people today,
didn't you, Ray?Copy !req
160. How?Copy !req
161. Well, he told Ireney Tindall
that he'd like to do her from behind.Copy !req
162. Why from behind?Copy !req
163. - I don't really think that's the issue.
- No, sure—Copy !req
164. - Ugly.
- Oh right.Copy !req
165. And he accused Charlie Willis
of sucking off Elton John.Copy !req
166. How old's Charlie Willis?Copy !req
167. Eighty nine.Copy !req
168. Dirty bastard.Copy !req
169. - Anything else? Please say yes.
- Oh, yeah. He told Winston FreemanCopy !req
170. that he has the cock of a Chinaman.Copy !req
171. How do you know what a Chinaman's co—
You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.Copy !req
172. - Ahh.Copy !req
173. - Oh.
- Oh.Copy !req
174. That's cheered me up.Copy !req
175. Tough day at work?Copy !req
176. I...Copy !req
177. Some of the guys are trying to get me
to go on a date.Copy !req
178. Mmm.Copy !req
179. Well, you should probably
go on a date, then.Copy !req
180. - Right, I'd better get back to work.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
181. - All right, bye.
- Cheers.Copy !req
182. All right, Ireney?Copy !req
183. Here she is.Copy !req
184. Get in here, you dirty cow.Copy !req
185. My brother-in-law
wants me to try dating again.Copy !req
186. Oh, excellent.Copy !req
187. You need some tips.Copy !req
188. Why would I need some tips?Copy !req
189. Well, I imagine you're awful with women.Copy !req
190. Yeah?Copy !req
191. She's having a go, Stan.Copy !req
192. Well, all men are awful,Copy !req
193. but grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.Copy !req
194. Oh, all right. Let me take notes.
This is dynamite. Go on.Copy !req
195. Well, go on. What are you going to say
to her? I'll be your date.Copy !req
196. What, role-play?Copy !req
197. If you like.Copy !req
198. Hi, I'm Tony.Copy !req
199. I don't wanna appear ageist,Copy !req
200. - but are those your own teeth?Copy !req
201. That's probably a bad start,
is it, getting hit?Copy !req
202. No.Copy !req
203. It's good. You made me laugh,Copy !req
204. but I'm assuming
that your date isn't as old as me.Copy !req
205. Fuckin' hope not.Copy !req
206. Swearing. Be serious!Copy !req
207. I can't. I...Copy !req
208. I'd just be honest.Copy !req
209. Tell her my situation,
tell her what I'm going through,Copy !req
210. be honest up front, and...Copy !req
211. So just all about you, then?Copy !req
212. What? I can't win, can I?Copy !req
213. I don't wanna date again.Copy !req
214. I don't wanna live without Lisa.Copy !req
215. But it's not just all about you, is it?Copy !req
216. That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
217. What if a nice date made her feel good?Copy !req
218. That might feel nice, right?Copy !req
219. We're not just here for us,
we're here for others.Copy !req
220. I don't do the whole God thing,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
221. No, neither do I. Load of rubbish.Copy !req
222. All we've got is each other.Copy !req
223. We've got to help each other
struggle through till we die,Copy !req
224. and then we're done.Copy !req
225. No point in feeling sorry for ourselvesCopy !req
226. and making everyone else unhappy, too.Copy !req
227. Might as well top yourself
if you feel like that.Copy !req
228. Are you sure you wanna work
for the Samaritans?Copy !req
229. All I'm saying is that...Copy !req
230. I think that deep down,Copy !req
231. that you still think life's worth living.Copy !req
232. It's nowhere near over for you.Copy !req
233. You're in pain.Copy !req
234. But the thing you lost...Copy !req
235. is the same thing that can stop that pain.Copy !req
236. - I'm sorry.
- It's fine, seriously.Copy !req
237. No, it's... I...
I shouldn't have...Copy !req
238. I'll...Copy !req
239. I'll do the date.Copy !req
240. Really?Copy !req
241. Great. Well, I'll call her
and book a restaurant.Copy !req
242. Indian okay?Copy !req
243. Yeah. I don't care what she is.Copy !req
244. No, I meant... food.Copy !req
245. Oh... Err...Copy !req
246. No, Italian'd be best.
Soak up the alcohol.Copy !req
247. Okay. Yeah, I'll book that.Copy !req
248. Great.Copy !req
249. So, what are you gonna wear?Copy !req
250. - Why?
- Well, first impressions are important.Copy !req
251. I mean, look at me and June.Copy !req
252. She'd noticed my style
before my personality.Copy !req
253. I don't care about first impre—
I don't care about any impression, do I?Copy !req
254. If you want any help,
I could give you tips.Copy !req
255. He's had a girlfriend for about a minute
and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.Copy !req
256. And why do people think
I need tips with women?Copy !req
257. Tips on style.Copy !req
258. Tips on style?Copy !req
259. From you?Copy !req
260. - Yeah.
- Go on.Copy !req
261. - Okay. Lunch or dinner?
- What difference does that make?Copy !req
262. Well, for dinner,
she might wear a ball gown,Copy !req
263. in which case
you'll wanna wear a dress suit.Copy !req
264. But for lunch, you'll probably
get away with blazer and slacks?Copy !req
265. - Slacks?
- Are you from the 1940s?Copy !req
266. - No need to wear a suit.
- I won't.Copy !req
267. - Smart jeans, nice shirt.
- Exactly, yeah.Copy !req
268. Have you got smart jeans
and a nice shirt?Copy !req
269. - Err...
- Hm.Copy !req
270. I'll take you shopping, if you like.Copy !req
271. But remember, black is slimming.Copy !req
272. Can't work miracles though, can it?Copy !req
273. Cheers, thank you.Copy !req
274. I don't need to go shopping.Copy !req
275. - Come on.
- Really?Copy !req
276. Yeah.Copy !req
277. Ah. It's embarrassing.Copy !req
278. No, it's not.Copy !req
279. It is.
A grown man being told what to wear.Copy !req
280. Go in here.Copy !req
281. - Fuck off.Copy !req
282. - Do you take requests?
- What?Copy !req
283. Have you got any Bee Gees?Copy !req
284. - What do you mean?
- Oh, sorry, I thought this was a disco.Copy !req
285. He's very old.Copy !req
286. Are you two together?Copy !req
287. - No.
- No, I was gonna say...Copy !req
288. Got one of these in 42 chest?Copy !req
289. - Be nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
290. It's not a waste of time,
you working here.Copy !req
291. It is a good stepping stone,
and you can go on and do...Copy !req
292. anything you want. I didn't...Copy !req
293. 'cause I didn't want to.Copy !req
294. I didn't do overtime,
try and get promoted, or...Copy !req
295. get a better job in a different town.
I just...Copy !req
296. I just wanted to get home every night...Copy !req
297. spend every available minute
I could with Lisa.Copy !req
298. And I made the right decision.Copy !req
299. That's so lovely.Copy !req
300. Don't cry.
Not in front of your new boyfriend.Copy !req
301. - Here he comes.Copy !req
302. Hi.Copy !req
303. It just won't look as good in this size.Copy !req
304. I could see the look of
disappointment when I went in his shop.Copy !req
305. - Hello.
- You all right?Copy !req
306. Yeah.Copy !req
307. This is Sandy, who works for me.Copy !req
308. - Hello, Sandy.
- Hello.Copy !req
309. - This is...
- Nice to meet you.Copy !req
310. Daphne,Copy !req
311. who's a cleaner, my cleaner.Copy !req
312. Yeah.Copy !req
313. I'm his cleaner.Copy !req
314. Err...Copy !req
315. Not his friend or anything with a job
he's embarrassed about on my behalf.Copy !req
316. Anyway,Copy !req
317. I was just on my way to your house
to do some cleaning,Copy !req
318. and I forgot my keys,
so it's lucky we ran into each other.Copy !req
319. But he's just gonna give me his
'cause I'm his cleaner.Copy !req
320. - It's not a problem, is it?
- No.Copy !req
321. Trust your cleaner.
Give your keys to your cleaner.Copy !req
322. It's not like giving them
to a prostitute, is it?Copy !req
323. - See you later!
- Hope so.Copy !req
324. You all right, George?Copy !req
325. You left the keys in the door.Copy !req
326. - Did I?
- Yeah.Copy !req
327. That's amazing.Copy !req
328. Can't believe you've done all this.Copy !req
329. I can't believe you gave me your keys.Copy !req
330. I didn't wanna back down.Copy !req
331. I know.Copy !req
332. How much do I owe you?Copy !req
333. Nothing.Copy !req
334. Just wanted to see if you trusted me.Copy !req
335. Sorry about the whole...Copy !req
336. saying you're my cleaner.Copy !req
337. I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.Copy !req
338. Sex worker.Copy !req
339. And only 'cause people prejudge you
when you say that,Copy !req
340. and I don't wanna scare the new girl.
"This is my friend, she's a prostitute."Copy !req
341. - Sex worker.
- Right.Copy !req
342. No worries.Copy !req
343. D'you want a coffee?Copy !req
344. No, I've just had one.Copy !req
345. Actually, I've got to be going.Copy !req
346. You sure I can't give you anything
for this?Copy !req
347. No, it's my pleasure.Copy !req
348. Not everyone is out to get you, Tony.Copy !req
349. Most people are all right.
They're just having a bad day.Copy !req
350. Sometimes they don't think, they get
caught up. They're just trying to survive.Copy !req
351. Bad things happen to good people,
good things happen to bad people,Copy !req
352. and sometimes...Copy !req
353. it's just no one's fault.Copy !req
354. Cheers.Copy !req
355. Right, shoes on. See you later, mate.Copy !req
356. See you later.Copy !req
357. Good girl.Copy !req
358. Uh-uh-uh.
Good.Copy !req
359. I should say from the off,Copy !req
360. I didn't want to do this,
but Matt said you're a widow, too, and,Copy !req
361. you know, absolutely nothing,
apart from eating,Copy !req
362. could ever come of thisCopy !req
363. because I'm still attached to my wife,Copy !req
364. and... I'm just being honest.
Is this your way of saying
we're gonna split the bill?Copy !req
365. Erm, champagne.Copy !req
366. Definitely splitting the bill.
Whiskey, please.Copy !req
367. - Any particular sort?
- Large.
Oh, discerning.Copy !req
368. You know what?
It's a mouthful of painkiller.Copy !req
369. This is good schtick.
You know, dark and down.Copy !req
370. But you're obviously not really suicidal.
It's just bullshit.Copy !req
371. Right, that's where you're wrong.Copy !req
372. No, I know the story.
But seriously though,Copy !req
373. how hard is suicide?Copy !req
374. My husband did it.Copy !req
375. Threw himself off Beachy Head,
hit the rocks,Copy !req
376. skull exploded. Poof! Efficient.Copy !req
377. He was shit at everything else,
but gotta give him his due.Copy !req
378. He really knew what
he was doing when it came to suicide.Copy !req
379. - Wow.
- Wow indeed.Copy !req
380. And no, I'm not grieving. He was a cunt.Copy !req
381. Well, I'm sure
you gave as good as you got.Copy !req
382. - Oh, I did.
- Oh, I believe you.Copy !req
383. Why are you so sarcastic all the time?Copy !req
384. 'Cause it stops me killing people,
including myself.Copy !req
385. - Gotta do what you've gotta do.
- You have, indeed... and...Copy !req
386. I... nearly took some pills.Copy !req
387. You nearly took some pills?
Jesus Christ.Copy !req
388. - What is wrong with you?
- No, what is wrong with you?Copy !req
389. Why couldn't you go through with it?Copy !req
390. Because I had to look after my dog.Copy !req
391. - That's an excuse.
- It's not an excuse. It's a reason.Copy !req
392. Because I realized that my wifeCopy !req
393. was probably the only human being
I actually liked, and my dog is second.Copy !req
394. Well, maybe I could come third.Copy !req
395. Yeah, good luck.Copy !req
396. No, but I do get it.Copy !req
397. Some people just feel more comfortable
around animals then they do around people.Copy !req
398. I'm comfortable around humans.
I just think animals are better.Copy !req
399. That's because you're hurtCopy !req
400. and you've lost someone
and you think no one compares. Mmm.Copy !req
401. No one does compare.Copy !req
402. No offense.Copy !req
403. No, none taken.Copy !req
404. And the reason
animals are better than peopleCopy !req
405. is because they just get on with it.Copy !req
406. - They don't whinge all the time—
- Unlike you.Copy !req
407. What d'you mean?Copy !req
408. We haven't stopped whinging
since we got here. No offense.Copy !req
409. - Well, this is nice.
- Mmm.Copy !req
410. - Cheers, thanks.
- Cheers.Copy !req
411. - Can I tell you about the specials?
- No.Copy !req
412. Fuckin' hell.Copy !req
413. Good.Copy !req
414. - Fuckin' let go!
- Fuck off!Copy !req
415. Cunt!Copy !req
416. - Well, that was really silly.
- Why?Copy !req
417. Well, they could have had some acid
or stabbed you or something.Copy !req
418. Told you...Copy !req
419. - I don't care.
- What if they'd stabbed me?Copy !req
420. - Oh, cheers.
- Pleasure.Copy !req
421. Me again.Copy !req
422. This must be why they call it a habit.Copy !req
423. - Yep.
- Yep.Copy !req
424. You know I know how you feel?Copy !req
425. Okay, try imagining if...Copy !req
426. everyone you told
about your wife dying just...Copy !req
427. thought it was their own fault.Copy !req
428. What d'you mean?Copy !req
429. Well, Mel was an addict, wasn't she?Copy !req
430. She injected herself, so...Copy !req
431. you know, most people just think
it was her fault.Copy !req
432. Don't feel the same sympathyCopy !req
433. for me or for her. I mean...Copy !req
434. Every minute of every day
that I have my wits about me,Copy !req
435. all I can think about is...Copy !req
436. getting some gear
before I become too fucking conscious.Copy !req
437. When I was with...Copy !req
438. Lisa,Copy !req
439. we'd sort of get home,
open a bottle of wine...Copy !req
440. and go, "Yay! Just us. Let's party."Copy !req
441. And by "party,"Copy !req
442. I mean... sit here like this,
with the dog,Copy !req
443. watching telly,
or listening to music, or just talking.Copy !req
444. Just, the more we talked,Copy !req
445. the more we drank.Copy !req
446. We didn't want the night to end.Copy !req
447. Now I drink...Copy !req
448. 'cause I want the night to end.Copy !req
449. It's like I'm already dead inside,
and yet I'm still...Copy !req
450. in the worst kind of pain.Copy !req
451. Well...Copy !req
452. as long as we're having fun.Copy !req
453. I still can't believe
we've got so much in common.Copy !req
454. We don't have anything in common.Copy !req
455. Why do you say that, though?Copy !req
456. Well... the big difference is...Copy !req
457. you haven't given up yet, have you?Copy !req
458. I mean, me, I would quite happily
die right now.Copy !req
459. If I had enough money,Copy !req
460. I would just take as many drugs
as I possibly could.Copy !req
461. Don't waste it on food.Copy !req